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top 200 commentsshow all 290

[–]brokenzion410 371 points372 points ago

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says it anyway

[–]guitaristry 232 points233 points ago

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Brain: We've waited too long, we can't do this.

Mouth: Too late, this is happening. This is happening right now.

Awkwardness ensues.

[–]internetsuperstar 91 points92 points ago

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Brian: The word brain looks a lot like Brian.

Mouth: The word brain looks a lot like Brian.

[–]ihavenomp 124 points125 points ago

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Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing.
[camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything]
Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off]

[–]beanswiggin 47 points48 points ago

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I'm just going to...STALK........Lenny and Carl...

[–]icewahine 2 points3 points ago

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Lenny:White Carl:Black

[–]wallychamp 1 point2 points ago

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My God, man, what are you doing? That's Carl!

[–]internetsuperstar 16 points17 points ago

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Lisa: World domination?

Homer: Oh that's a typo.

[–]Mr_A 22 points23 points ago

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Homer: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Lisa: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

[–]smurflogik 2 points3 points ago

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This is my name and this is exactly how I read it.

[–]Wootsat 1 point2 points ago

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[–]MaDLeTerrible 24 points25 points ago

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Fuck it! We'll do it live!

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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Fucking thing sucks!

[–]rockhopper92 6 points7 points ago

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Always a miscommunication.

[–]wtfno 1 point2 points ago

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Friends say "Welcome to ten minutes ago."

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Or: "Step into the present".

[–]Sandcat7 5 points6 points ago

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I definitely thought this was going to be Pinky and the Brain and then I saw "Mouth." :(

[–]guitaristry 7 points8 points ago

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Narf

[–]gt_9000 40 points41 points ago

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COURAGE WOLF!

[–]shrodikan 2 points3 points ago

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So... where did the different <attribute> <animal> thing come from? Is there like a list or something?

[–]Graviteh 23 points24 points ago

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It came from /b/, starting with advice dog

It used to be humorous.

but you can refer to them as advice animals now

[–]TeethofBusey 10 points11 points ago

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And if you put the wrong advice on the incorrect animal picture, redditors get upset.

[–]funnyresume 9 points10 points ago

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it is known.

[–]gabstah 4 points5 points ago

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Yeah and when I mess up the punchline of my jokes no one laughs :(

[–]thesaddestpanda 2 points3 points ago

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Depends on how old the reference:

A few minutes: courage wolf.

A few years: insanity wolf.

"You guys see last night's Dharma and Greg? More like Boreda and Beg to shut off the TV!!!"

[–]dvdov 9 points10 points ago

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"Hey guys, TVs are now in color!" - Slowpoke

[–]strazzerj 6 points7 points ago

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says it anyway (too late?)

[–]borlak 4 points5 points ago

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room goes quiet as everyone tries to figure out what you are referencing

[–]libertao 4 points5 points ago

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awkward silence

Regrets saying almost immediately.

[–]thesatsui 1 point2 points ago

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I do this all the time. My friends are used to it. Other people... not so much.

[–]pelanderfunk 32 points33 points ago

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Half of being witty is being clever. The other half is timing.

[–]BHSPitMonkey 27 points28 points ago

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I think the situation here is when other people in the conversation don't leave long enough of a break for you to get your reply in, and then they switch topics, thus rendering your reply now unusable. After it happens a few times consecutively, you wonder why you're even there.

[–]pelanderfunk 4 points5 points ago

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Then I guess the other, other half would be letting go of the clever lines that got away.

[–]squired 1 point2 points ago

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And participating in the conversation and not just waiting to snipe.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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after a few times i excuse myself from the conversation, then get asked later why i was in such a bad mood and not talking

[–]miss_appropriate 1 point2 points ago

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The other half is timing. Half of being witty is being clever.

fuck!

[–]DigTheDoug 82 points83 points ago

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Yeah? Well the jerk store called...

[–]mybreathyourlung 29 points30 points ago

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Who cares? You're their biggest seller!

[–]Django665 34 points35 points ago

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Well I had sex with your wife!

[–]mybreathyourlung 21 points22 points ago

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His wife is in a coma.

[–]UpliftMofo 53 points54 points ago

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yeah, a sex coma

[–]BurtMacklinFBI 16 points17 points ago

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I always wanted him to respond with "I guess that's why she didn't move that much."

[–]mybreathyourlung 14 points15 points ago

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This is a good, probably a little too good for George. He's not smart enough to come up with a line like that.

[–]brownsound00 6 points7 points ago

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More of a Kramer line to be honest.

[–]dquizzle 5 points6 points ago

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Probably a little risque for the time too.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Who cares she's still breathing!!!!!

[–]HAL2TB 2 points3 points ago

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Believe it or not, but I was watching this episode when I saw this post.

[–]jewber123 8 points9 points ago

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Believe it or not, I'm not home.

[–]ron_howard_narrates 2 points3 points ago

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Most of jewber123's reddit surfing was done on the toilet.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Hah! The ocean called too....

[–]xkontemplatex 1 point2 points ago

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WTF I was thinking about this scene from Seinfeld an hour ago... before I knew this post existed. Damn your telepathy!

[–]breakbread 3 points4 points ago

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So meta. I came here to reference this, got beaten to the punch. WHY!?!

[–]hotboxeroni 82 points83 points ago

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Not just witty, but trying to say anything with more than two people around. It's like two people having conversational sex (maybe they're just masturbating each other) and I'm trying to awkwardly insert my penis in the hopes that it's met with approval. That's what it feels like inside my head, anyway...

[–]wtfno 16 points17 points ago

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it's not always like that, in this case you are the third wheel.

[–]GhostGuy 15 points16 points ago

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I hate it when I'm talking to someone, then someone else walks into the conversation and pushes me into the third wheel position. I get uncomfortable and walk away usually. okay.jpg :(

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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You have been replaced with a more interesting and capable companion, please be quiet, or best, leave the premesis with no fuss.

There's a good awkward penguin.

I can still call for you if I get bored can't I?

Great! Go away now! I have important relationships to develop!

[–]ron_howard_narrates 3 points4 points ago

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In the next post, hotboxeroni reads a day's worth of his own words... and realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.

[–]allADD 1 point2 points ago

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Hotboxeroni, you blowhard!

[–]gt_9000 61 points62 points ago

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Think of something witty, defer saying it out of politeness.

Topic changes 3 times, no longer relevant :(.

[–]BoroPaul 38 points39 points ago

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So Fricking ANNOYING. Most of the time it is the most amazingly witty statement you have said in months nay years and some gasbag is rattling on about something incredibly boring! GOD!

[–]gt_9000 21 points22 points ago

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And the problem is: The only good moment to deliver some witty comments are during that split moment of quiet. Which some other overeager person will deny you :(.

[–]dclowd9901 1 point2 points ago

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Just think, though, you're deferring to someone else to make their day a little bit nicer by allowing them to be the clever one :) You'll have another chance, if you're actually clever.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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What makes you think there won't be other gasbags vying for attention at those moments as well?

Forever invisible.

[–]ihavenomp 4 points5 points ago

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That's the awesome part about reddit, a comment thread can constantly fork off so of those three of those topics which are relevant to the parent comment and you can just [-] two threads and reply to the one relevant to you. Meanwhile, sites still using linear forums are constant victims to "First!" and flame wars.

Relevant: collegehumor.com (minorly nsfw: language)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Not only that but if you wait too long to check responses to your post, the point is moot.

[–]silentchris 13 points14 points ago

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This goes hand in hand with

"Have a valid point to add to conversation. Don't want to interrupt." ... "Conversation changes topic. Nobody cares about valid point anymore."

[–]TheGhostOfReddit 2 points3 points ago

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hugs you with my cold arms and runs away

[–]winampman 1 point2 points ago

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Also:

Help someone (e.g., cute girl) with directions or advice.... Remember crucial piece of information right after they leave.

[–]sexyalterego 9 points10 points ago

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Wait too long to post old Socially Awkward Penguin pic.

No longer relevant.

FTFY.

[–]I_upvote_doubleposts 1 point2 points ago

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[–]luv2bike 16 points17 points ago

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Thinks of funny comment way too late.

Gets buried. Never receives upvotes.

[–]manicmonty 8 points9 points ago

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I'm pretty sure the majority of Reddit is angry circlejerking bots who upvote each other, and whenever real people post anything they're all like GTFO.

[–]Johnofthewest 6 points7 points ago

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I'm so happy when I hit 30 upvotes. It feels like I sneaked into the secret cabal of upvoteyness. I have no idea how people get 800 odd. Those are just pipe dreams to me.

[–]orange_jooze 2 points3 points ago

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go to r/all/top and sort by hour. You'll see all the posts that are most likely to hit the frontpage in a few hours.

[–]IAmAnAnonymousCoward 41 points42 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]cough_e 8 points9 points ago

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You think he/she would figure that out after 63,000 karma, eh?

[–]whitefoot 29 points30 points ago

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You think they got to 63,000 karma by submitting to small(er) subreddits?

[–]IAmAnAnonymousCoward 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]shunny14 1 point2 points ago

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Or delete posts in the wrong subreddit.

[–]Reginault 1 point2 points ago

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Exactly, I thought we had been over this. I can't stand fucking advice animals, so I don't subscribe to their subreddit. That doesn't work if people don't use the right subreddit.

"Waah but I want more karma from /r/pics!!!"

Fuck you karmawhore!

[–]IAmAnAnonymousCoward 15 points16 points ago

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I don't blame people for not posting to obscure subreddits, but /r/AdviceAnimals/ is in the top 15 most active subreddits for fuck's sake.

[–]Backpedal 8 points9 points ago

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something, something, epic beard, midnight.

[–]dwaxe 29 points30 points ago

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[–]Chaiking 24 points25 points ago

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It is actually kinda the opposite. You know exactly what to say before you should say it, and then you wait too long.

[–]genghistom[!] 16 points17 points ago

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reilacse'l ed tirpse'L

phonetically: Ryle-axle ed terp-sel!

[–]mathiasbynens 9 points10 points ago

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Also known as tiw esacriats.

[–]genghistom[!] 2 points3 points ago

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Hey that's good too, I rather like the sound of "teave ease uh cree otts"

[–]mtheoryx 8 points9 points ago

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Is there anything for which the French don't have a phrase already?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]mtheoryx 4 points5 points ago

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Touché ;)

[–]SunCrushr 1 point2 points ago

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Veni, vidi, vici?

[–]eccolo 2 points3 points ago

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i came here to say the same thing...but it's no longer relevant. aargh

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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CLAMMMM CHOWDAHHHH!!!

[–]Mister_Snrub 2 points3 points ago

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Glad I'm not the only one. I swear they actually said it on Community this season.

[–]orange_jooze 2 points3 points ago

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Explain?

[–]hazardous69 1 point2 points ago

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Only thing I can think of is The Simpsons episode The boy who knew too much, where Joe Quimby's nephew Freddy Quimby has an argument with a French waiter over the pronunciation of "Chowder".

[–]Mister_Snrub 1 point2 points ago

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It's from Saturday night live. Rob Morrow was the host and I believe Nirvana was the musical guest. It was from either 1993 or 1994.

In the sketch, a group of friends are hanging out at a restaurant, and talking about clam chowder or New England or something, and then move on to some other topic. Rob Morrow kept chiming in with good comments, but he was way late on all of them. One was the Clam Chowdah! line. I think he went to the bathroom and found a time machine and did it all over again.

[–]zagood 1 point2 points ago

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lol wish I could find the video. Found the transcript but it's just not the same.

[–]RBeck 4 points5 points ago

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...the toilet..store?!?

[–]athermis 6 points7 points ago

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Or when you want to say something funny and someone else cuts you off to tell something else and next thing you know the whole conversation switched to something completely different and now you can't say something funny =(

[–]Frankeh 5 points6 points ago

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Worse still, someone cuts you off and changes the subject with their crap wit. FUCK YOU, STEVE!

[–]orange_jooze 2 points3 points ago

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Did he also tell everyone that you're a large water-dwelling mammal?

[–]bbbbbtony 2 points3 points ago

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i think i'm going to start blurting out my witty responses as soon as they come to me. maybe, then, people will think i'm funny or just obnoxious.

[–]EvilHom3r 2 points3 points ago

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I know that feel, bro.

[–]werko 2 points3 points ago

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Don't discard your comment, save it in your brain memory and I can guarantee you it will be useful in the near or maybe not so near future. Not only that it usually fits better on the second chance.

[–]diesel828 2 points3 points ago

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[–]patpend 4 points5 points ago

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I think they call that a "Costanza"

[–]Tsukasa009 1 point2 points ago

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Happens too fucking often lol...

[–]CooperHaydenn 1 point2 points ago

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this is socially AWESOME penguin. not awkward. so this dosent make sense.

[–]feelmyice 1 point2 points ago

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Either that or I wait too long and forget what I was going to say even though it would of blown their minds and I would've looked like a champion.

[–]sgnmac 1 point2 points ago

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That's what she said!

[–]987417 1 point2 points ago

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Everyone does this, if you have a sense of humor that is.

[–]echidnaman 1 point2 points ago

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Waiting for the perfect time to say something witty.

Forgets.

[–]Bender22 1 point2 points ago

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Socially Awkward Slowpoke.

[–]Supernyan 1 point2 points ago

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ALL THE TIME

[–]Stealth1927 1 point2 points ago

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Want to post a great reply. Wait too long. Reply gets buried and no one reads it.

[–]shwiggy 1 point2 points ago

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...because not really witty at all.

/okay

[–]HumbleSuperGod 1 point2 points ago

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaand ........... NOW!

[–]imaunitard 1 point2 points ago

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Marge: Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late? "Shut up, Becky!" Oh, that would have been sweet.

[–]sexyalterego 1 point2 points ago

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Wait too long to post old Socially Awkward Penguin pic.

No longer relevant.

FTFY.

[–]keneke 1 point2 points ago

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Good sir, I believe what you are trying to convey is the french phrase L'esprit de l'escalier. Have a free TIL

[–]shlomo_california 1 point2 points ago

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Here is a free advice that would benefit you greatly: when talking, you should favor quantity over quality. Especially if you want to break away from the role of the shy, quite person.

[–]LaughingMan42 1 point2 points ago

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Next step: say it anyway, get talked over.

[–]gabriot 1 point2 points ago

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r/adviceanimals

[–]mendicant1116 1 point2 points ago

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"Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!"

[–]anexanhume 1 point2 points ago

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says it anyway

wait... fuck

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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I was going to post that this is called L'esprit de l'escalier (Staircase Wit) because you think of the comeback when you're already on your way out.

I'm probably too late to this thread for this to be at all relevant though.

[–]LaurelQuade 0 points1 point ago

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Thinks of the wittiest coment for a submission

Submission is more than 5 hours old, no one will read it anyway

[–]darkangelx 0 points1 point ago

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Usually after typing a long response into a comment and it starts to go some where that is.. f nm...

[–]Jammin420 0 points1 point ago

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I'm pretty sure that even The Most Interesting Man in the World does this from time to time.

[–]dinker 0 points1 point ago

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Ill be lying in bed at 2am and Ill think of the perfect witty response to a Reddit post. A couple of times I`ve got up, started the PC and searched for the post - but can I find the damn thing?

[–]SupermanKickedMyAss 0 points1 point ago

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Think of something witty, Say it

No one laughs

[–]seryously 0 points1 point ago

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[–]nodnarb91 0 points1 point ago

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I always have bad timing when I have something to say. I wait till everyone isn't speaking then somehow someone speaks at the time I speak and no one hears it.

[–]onedownfiveup 0 points1 point ago

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I do this all the time. Only, I do it with asking girls out. I wait till the time is perfect (when I have the best chance) and then when it finally happens they usually just got into a relationship and I didn't know. :(

[–]iliveinabucket 0 points1 point ago

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Doesn't happen when you are sending online messages. HOORAY FOR THE INTERNET!

[–]penelaine 0 points1 point ago

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he gets me.

[–]Ottersteak 0 points1 point ago

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Yes, this usually happens constantly in converstions. Think of new shit, say it when appropriate. For the love of god, don't say stuff when it's not relevant anymore, I know a person who does that all the time, and it just kills good conversations. Sorry about the rant.

[–]GalacticNexus 0 points1 point ago

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Waited one week for another chance to say "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana".

I was not disappointed.

[–]terabyter9000 0 points1 point ago

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Never be too attached to what you have to say. It communicates neediness. Just move on bro. Half the battle is talking louder to get a word in.

[–]gwyd 0 points1 point ago

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I found this and showed it to my boyfriend just after he had mentioned this phenomenon. Meta.

[–]aari13 0 points1 point ago

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Ahem... /r/new

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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TIL the real definition of a meme

[–]mherdeg 0 points1 point ago

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Ha ha, let me guess, It went okay?

[–]SpraynardJKruger 0 points1 point ago

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Since this made it to the front page really quickly, I'm sure many a redditor has dollar signs in his eyes. Now's your chance for a witty comment!

[–]AlyoshaV 0 points1 point ago

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just fyi, the solution is amphetamine

[–]senseiwalex 0 points1 point ago

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I tend to wait too long...and then one of my retarded friends comes up with the same witty response...I proceed to kick myself afterwards.

[–]callummacinnes 0 points1 point ago

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This happens a lot.

Then I try to bring the subject up again, I say it and no one laughs!

[–]westtoeast 0 points1 point ago

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"That tree is far away!"

[–]viniesposito 0 points1 point ago

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That's exactly how I felt when I took part of a UN simulation last week.

[–]ajoiner 0 points1 point ago

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A thousand times yes

[–]dragnalus 0 points1 point ago

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Waiting for perfect time to post something witty

somebody already posted it

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I feel your pain.

[–]LionLager 0 points1 point ago

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[–]cryer 0 points1 point ago

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[–]pcnerd37 0 points1 point ago

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My problem is that I wait too long and somebody else has already said it.

[–]DelRio1991 0 points1 point ago

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Hi, I'm Ray Bingo

[–]ThaHarterIII 0 points1 point ago

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what pisses me off is right as you start talking, someone else starts talking louder

[–]ohnoohyes 0 points1 point ago

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i love all the people here identifying with this. sry, but most of the shit that sounds witty in your head is best left unsaid.

[–]shampoocell 0 points1 point ago

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THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

Ah, fuck.

[–]PsyanideInk 0 points1 point ago

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How are these memes any different than joining groups and liking pages on facebook that express ridiculous truisms?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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you're too fucking slow

[–]camelCaseIsLame 0 points1 point ago

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Stash those gems! You'd be surprised how often conversational contexts repeat themselves.

[–]sorryimlate 0 points1 point ago

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This is the story of my life.

[–]victrojas7 0 points1 point ago

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Wait, I got it.......nevermind...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Where's the beef?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Wazzzzaaaaaaaap!!!

[–]CatProfessor 0 points1 point ago

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I read it as "too busy wanting to say my piece instead of listening to what the other person has to say"

[–]Malarkie 0 points1 point ago

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I usually have something witty to say on the current topic, but then people won't shut the hell up so then it is no longer relevant, this usually pisses me off.

[–]doesnotknowtrolling 0 points1 point ago

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lol I love how you're trolling everybody with this!

[–]parqkay 0 points1 point ago

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Ummm .... Yah

[–]dj5142 0 points1 point ago

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Story of my life...

[–]the_cat_kittles 0 points1 point ago

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brevity- the soul of wit, yo

[–]iAmericA45 0 points1 point ago

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Even worse:

Says something you think is funny.

No one laughs.

Repeat it because you thought nobody heard.

"Yeah, we heard you."

[–]sm4k 0 points1 point ago

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Quiet talker, says something witty.

One person hears, repeats verbatim to much laughter.

[–]stalking_ya_mom 0 points1 point ago

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The story of my life

[–]mostavgguy 0 points1 point ago

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Wait too long to post witty comment, too late someone else posted it

[–]isoT 0 points1 point ago

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This only happens to me when I'm trying to be polite. It gives me a smug feeling to be witty on my own, but all in all not very enjoyable. That's why I'm not very polite.

[–]Abraham_Shovelhands 0 points1 point ago

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In here witty comment loses relevance by the time you've typed it.

[–]hexhead 0 points1 point ago

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for me it's more like: think of dead witty response... 2 days later while I'm taking a piss.

[–]sucka 0 points1 point ago

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I read the title in Flo's voice.

[–]casper4204 0 points1 point ago

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all day long

[–]Warbieful 0 points1 point ago

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Story of my life.

[–]LocalMadman 0 points1 point ago

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I was taught not to interrupt someone else when they are talking, and I still believe it's the polite and reasonable thing to do. As a consequence 90% of the relevant and witty comments I think of are not spoken.

[–]crookedsoul09 0 points1 point ago

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Wait! Wait! Wait! I've got the perfect thing...Cuckacaw! Cuckacaw! Cuckacaw!...everyone's gone.

[–]zipzag 0 points1 point ago

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air horn -> creates space in a conversation

[–]ElAvestruz 0 points1 point ago

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That or someone already said it.

[–]CaptainShanks 0 points1 point ago

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This is literally my life.

[–]dorkwayne 0 points1 point ago

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[–]ShingoYamamoto 0 points1 point ago

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more like somebody says it before you

[–]the_baron 0 points1 point ago

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Anyone else read this in Flo's voice? God I hate those commercials.

[–]HonkiusMaximus 0 points1 point ago

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That used to happen to me in Stand-up comedy. Not so much with conversations, but while I'm doing a bit, I'll think of something clever about an audience member or something, but by the time I get around to saying it, it no longer makes sense.

[–]Jaboomaphoo 0 points1 point ago

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I consider myself to be pretty awkward but this has never happened to me.

[–]bugti 0 points1 point ago

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so dammm true

[–]scottbre 0 points1 point ago

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Not very witty if you have to wait for the perfect time to say it. Witty is when you come up with it in that instant.

[–]get_on_it 0 points1 point ago

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Like I have said before: "It is never too soon but can easily become too late" My motto for life on the interwebs

[–]aurablithe 0 points1 point ago

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It happens to me when I have the best joke...

No one wants to hear... :P

[–]FakePlasticShrimp 0 points1 point ago

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OP isn't American. An American wouldn't wait for an acceptable time to voice a witty comment they'd just SHOUT IT OUT ABOVE EVERYBODY ELSES VOICES!!! /fuckyeahMERICUH

[–]newcollegetraveller 0 points1 point ago

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Staircase Wit! I'm great at it...and that sucks.

[–]fleetze 0 points1 point ago

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Just say it anyways. In your best Norm MacDonald. Works every time.