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top 200 commentsshow all 214

[–]two-headed_boy 119 points120 points ago

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...Sale.

[–]jameskpork 38 points39 points ago

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OHH THE BURNING! IT BURNS ME!

[–]tip_ty 29 points30 points ago

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EVACUATE ALL OF THE SCHOOLCHILDREN

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points ago

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AAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIING GRAAAAAAAACE.......

[–]jameskpork 13 points14 points ago

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THIS ISN'T A FEVER!

[–]flac_id 14 points15 points ago

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would you like to try that a little simpler maybe?

[–]bluthbanana20 20 points21 points ago

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No.

[–]YiffSkritchMurr 1 point2 points ago

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For some reason, I read that as EVISCERATE ALL OF THE SCHOOLCHILDREN

[–]EthicalReasoning 0 points1 point ago

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you need some penicillin and cranberry juice, 3 days it'll stop

[–]Phortgang11 1 point2 points ago

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Arrested Development AND Neutral Milk Hotel

UPVOTE!!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]BoofBop 20 points21 points ago

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He's broken in half, King, he's broken in half!!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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What a debacle!

[–]dhaft88 1 point2 points ago

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ooooh fuck this made me lawl :D

[–]HoboWithAGlock 13 points14 points ago

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It made me Lawler.

[–]gunslinger81 1 point2 points ago

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I've never seen such a miscarriage of justice!

[–]savagejesus -1 points0 points ago

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"Well of course he's broken in half" -Paul Heyman

[–]ZombieSociety -5 points-4 points ago

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If you want to be a giant fucking nerd about it like I do, I think technically it's a Flatliner.

[–]ChampRamp 0 points1 point ago

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Isn't a flatliner just a inverse STO?

[–]savagejesus 0 points1 point ago

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I'm gonna have to disagree and say it looks more like an angle slam...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Waa1MZedqfc

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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Can you smellllll what The Rock is cookin'?!

[–]Magoran 5 points6 points ago

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Fuck, beat me to it.

[–]skameeto 2 points3 points ago

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Me too, shit.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Not me.

[–]carmenqueasy 21 points22 points ago

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I had this hanging in my cubicle for 2 years...it helped introduce me to my now husband.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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Well at least you have a nice way of saying this is old.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]im-you-from-the-past 23 points24 points ago

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My favorite fantasy was being able to stop time while I was in class. Then I would get all the girls naked and make them have sex with the teacher and me. Days would go by with me just pounding all of my female classmates in every position you could imagine. Then i'd dress them back up and put em back in their seats and restart time.

[–]BarrogaPoga 9 points10 points ago*

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There's a weird Japanese porno that acts this out, only it's a dude in an office with like 8 other girls.

EDIT: OK i don't remember if this is the exact one that i saw on r/wtf. Apparently there are a shit ton of these "time stop and fuck" videos. It's fucking creepy in my opinion.

[–]im-you-from-the-past 8 points9 points ago

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One time, when i was little, i was cleaning my ears with a Q-Tip and sneezed while one was in my ear. The Q-Tip ended up shoved all the way in my ear and i couldn't get it out. My dad had to drive me to the hospital where my mom was working as a nurse. A doctor came and got it out (i don't remember how) and said to me, "You're lucky it didn't go any further. It was almost touching your brain!" ---- i'll never forget that line and it's made me wary of Q-Tips ever since, even though i know it's impossible. [True Story]

[–]MooBaloo 1 point2 points ago

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I need to know the title of this film.

[–]Cabr0n 5 points6 points ago

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Same here, you know, for science

[–]royrules22 4 points5 points ago

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You'd like the movie Cashback

[–]im-you-from-the-past 2 points3 points ago

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This. I was a terrible kid when I was a little and was horrible to my Mom. She taught at the same school as I and we'd usually get a ride back from her teacher friends (they all taught higher classes than mine). I was 6 years old and just absolutely fucking horrible. The worst was when she told me that I couldn't have something and I lost it and started yelling and throwing shit out of a moving car. I embarrassed her in front of her friends. I still remember her crying about it. A year later my little brother was born and I became the most mellow and shyest kid around (unfortunately I also took that to the extreme... sigh). I have apologized to my Dad and Mom many times about what I did when I was young but now they both laugh and said they always knew I would grow out of it.

[–]monkius 1 point2 points ago

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You are going to like this. NSFW

[–]im-you-from-the-past 4 points5 points ago

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Visiting a foreign country and our family got into an auto rickshaw. It was crammed so my mother sat on my knees. The motion of the auto rickshaw inadvertently caused her to move on into my lap. Yeah....I got a boner.

[–]Teotwawki69 0 points1 point ago

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Speaking of awwkward.

Dude...

[–]im-you-from-the-past 0 points1 point ago

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If you swallow a flute, will you sheet music, meester?

[–]cypher210 6 points7 points ago

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[–]808140 16 points17 points ago

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Go on ...

[–]DownvoteALot 14 points15 points ago

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I propose a user merge with StoryLeadsToMyDick.

[–]Infenwe 2 points3 points ago

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So... you "convinced" him to put your dick in his mouth to cancel out the gay polarity?

[–]A-H 0 points1 point ago

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Thaaaaat's what we were forgetting

[–]circumstantial 34 points35 points ago

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Upvote for appropriate screen name.

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 136 points137 points ago

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What the hell kind of logic is that? "I don't normally vote up off topic stories about kids having gay oral sex, but since his username is accurate, this post should definitely be at the top?"

You know what's going to happen to you? You're going to be driving past the "discount stereo and castration store" and you're going to go in out of curiosity as to what they actually sell, but end up dickless with a cheap sound system thinking what a great fucking deal it was.

[–]Menzlo 88 points89 points ago

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You talk too much.

[–]shillbert 17 points18 points ago

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He doesn't talk at all! He just likes to type sometimes. This typing is always a rant.

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 5 points6 points ago

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And apparently I'm getting downvoted for the inaccurate username |: /

[–]jthei 21 points22 points ago

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Your emoticon ... can't decide which side is mouth

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 15 points16 points ago

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its obviously a gorilla. The / is eyes and the : is nostrils

[–]Driese 1 point2 points ago

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Nah, it's just Johnny Bravo.

[–]HittingSmoke 1 point2 points ago

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I downvoted for incorrect use of "castration"

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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Not my fault, it's his fault for picking "scrotum removal" option instead of just a regular neutering.

[–]HittingSmoke 0 points1 point ago

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but end up dickless

That is not how scrotum removal works.

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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Tell you what, remove your scrotum and then come back to us with some firsthand knowledge and the world will take your insight for granted.

[–]HittingSmoke 0 points1 point ago

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It's not a matter of insight. scrotum != dick.

[–]magister0 0 points1 point ago

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I think it's a novelty account, dude

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch -5 points-4 points ago

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That's the whole point. My post was a dig at people who vote up novelty accounts. A poorly written fictional story should not be any funnier just because it's also the punchline to a joke you've heard a thousand times before..

[–]JZervas 0 points1 point ago

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How is this "off topic"? The image is of a fireman's carry, a common wrestling move. Dude mentioned wrestling in his story. Seems pretty on topic to me.

[–]circumstantial 0 points1 point ago

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Upvote for inaccurate user name.

[–]microfortnight 0 points1 point ago

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Nothing in that story implies the poster is male. why do you assume it's "gay oral sex"?

[–]DeathsHeadJoker 13 points14 points ago

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Because they "take turns blowing each other". I would assume it's pretty hard to blow someone without a dick.

[–]dgpx84 5 points6 points ago

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heh. you said HARD.

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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I didn't assume. I read "blowing" as the act of servicing a male. I have not seen that term (although I've seen a plethora of other colourful terms) to describe the act for females.

[–]microfortnight 0 points1 point ago

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Must be a geographic cultural thing then... I've seen it used for both

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 6 points7 points ago

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Let the official record state that "blowing" is generally short for "giving a blowjob," which specifically refers to "fellatio" rather than "cunnilingus"

[–]Goldcut 0 points1 point ago

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Whew. Thanks for clearing that up.

[–]magister0 0 points1 point ago

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Where do you live, if you don't mind me asking?

[–]microfortnight 0 points1 point ago

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Canada

[–]die444die 0 points1 point ago

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No you haven't.

[–]JannMDK 0 points1 point ago

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Wouldn't that result in some massive pussy farts ??

[–]RAG1NGLUNAT1C 7 points8 points ago

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...because it's a novelty account. You should check out his comment history. It's full of comedy gold.

[–]Scarker 0 points1 point ago

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I would have preferred cockward.

[–]ThickStick 1 point2 points ago

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This may also work for drunk people at parties. Except you take them to to a room and do stuff wi...

I am just going to stop here.

[–]zersch 0 points1 point ago

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Hey Jim Norton, big fan of your comedy. Didn't know you were a redditer!

[–]Potatonet 0 points1 point ago

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Indeed...

[–]Juute3 0 points1 point ago

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oh my..

[–]zerovox -2 points-1 points ago

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awwkward

[–]Spenceuk 4 points5 points ago

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This is a t shirt made by threadless btw. I thinks it's called "in case of fire"

[–]Enex 0 points1 point ago

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Yep, I have it. It's actually a little old. /shrug

[–]justsumguy 0 points1 point ago

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How about a link? My Google-Fu is not strong enough

[–]wearethat 1 point2 points ago

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http://www.threadless.com/product/1599/Television_Made_Me_Do_It

It has been sadly sold out for quite a long time.

[–]seedywonder 0 points1 point ago

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I searched for the source. This is close enough. upvoted

[–]sggrant323 14 points15 points ago

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RIP Macho Man

[–]Saac 11 points12 points ago

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It's a little known fact that Macho Man was a firefighter in his younger years and this is the illustration of the transition from one career to the next. Not really though.

[–]KnifeParty 45 points46 points ago

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If I had a dollar for every time this was posted in the past week I'd have a lot a dollars.

[–]Problemzone 15 points16 points ago

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take some karma. thats almost the same.

[–]Ass4ssinX 8 points9 points ago

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You'd be making money in a really weird way.

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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I don't think you could make money that way. The only way I could envision it happening would be if he just happened to have the same number of dollars as the number of times this was posted in the past week, and the method he used to acquire them was unrelated.

[–]_christopher_ 2 points3 points ago

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Should change your name to "Doesn'tGetJokesMuch".

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 3 points4 points ago

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You can't change reddit usernames, you have to re-register.

[–]mockidol 0 points1 point ago

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lol. It's funny because you acted like you didn't get that joke much. Also, I'm not laughing out loud. That was an emoticon of a guy cheering much like this man is clapping: (o)

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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I usually use \o/

[–]_YourMom 1 point2 points ago

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Steve Holt!

[–]mockidol 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like he's about to catch something

O

\o/

[–]poktanju 1 point2 points ago

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No, it looks more like a man, possibly a young neighborhood tough, exclaiming his own name.

[–]mockidol 0 points1 point ago

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( SHITZ DOG. IT'S ME, TYRONE)

V

\o/

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 0 points1 point ago

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Well, he's saying "If I had a dollar for" which doesn't necessarily mean "If I had a dollar because of"

If he had a dollar for every time this was posted in the past week, it would probably be because he'd made the money some other way and the amounts just coincidentally ended up the same.

[–]iiirrrvvv 23 points24 points ago*

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If I had a dollar for every time someone pointed out a repost I'd have a lot of dollars.

FTFY

[–]DoesNotTalkMuch 3 points4 points ago

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You would have a lot more dollars if that were the case though.

[–]granola_brother 0 points1 point ago

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First time I've seen it.

[–]I_want_some_taquitos 6 points7 points ago

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Super Samoan Drop

[–]SagebrushFire 2 points3 points ago

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Pic 3: The beginning of the first slow step in an Argentine Tango.

[–]teamramrod456 2 points3 points ago

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For some reason I read this post in this guy's voice

[–]Tikay 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you Tyler Durden, For the updated fire safety sheet.

[–]XWUWTR 2 points3 points ago

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Another version.

[–]DoctorElectron 2 points3 points ago

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cue Mankind entering in with a chair and bashing it on that celebrator's head! Then bashing it on the guy who's already down's head!!

[–]buakaw 2 points3 points ago

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Jim Ross: Oh my god! Not from the top rope!

[–]eromitlab 1 point2 points ago

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MAH GAWD KING HE'S BEEN BROKEN IN HALF THAT'S GOTTA BE IT!

[–]byronimation 0 points1 point ago

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MY GOD!! MY GOD!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!

[–]Marcismyname 2 points3 points ago

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OH NO!!! IT'S A FIRE.... SALE! OH THE BURNING!

[–]codefocus 2 points3 points ago

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[–]CanusNero 8 points9 points ago

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John Cena wins again.

[–]Niqulaz 1 point2 points ago

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Bitch please, when was the last time you saw Cena on the top rope for anything other than to receive a quick flash-kick to the face?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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He usually does the Fameasser

[–]Whaddaulookinat 0 points1 point ago

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Man I miss the old stuff.

[–]Niqulaz 0 points1 point ago

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He does it maybe once every seventy matches. (Or about as often as he gets through his five moves of doom uninterrupted.)

[–]theaznone 0 points1 point ago

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Its a top-rope Samoa Drop...

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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I'm glad to see he's taken it upon himself to dress in a more formal attire in the ring.

[–]Str82thaDOME 4 points5 points ago

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Pro Wrestling.... in my Reddit?

Imokaywiththis.png

[–]Zodiack 1 point2 points ago

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I read that in Bruce's voice.

[–]j00bag 1 point2 points ago

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I'll just leave this here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=280yPTyei0U

[–]King_of_all_Dorks 1 point2 points ago

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Fire Pro Wrestling

[–]Eighter 0 points1 point ago

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CRITICAL!

[–]MarmaladeMatt 1 point2 points ago

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I swear every time I use the internet this picture comes up.

[–]TheJerit 1 point2 points ago

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WHATCHU GONNA DO BROTHA WHEN DA FIRE COMES FOR YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!

[–]akukame 1 point2 points ago

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And now an slightly on topic anecdote.

So, I used to work for geek squad (yeah, I know, hate all you want, but it paid well enough). We had a computer that came in because it would not turn on. It had recently been storming, I figured some caps were blown or something, so I openned it up and layed it horizontal and was inspecting the motherboard. It was dusty, but not anything too out of the ordinary, and I saw nothing suspicous, so I plugged it in and pressed the power button to see what happened. Next thing I know, I see some arcing and the motherboard lights on fire. I was compeltely caught by surprised, and proceeded to throw my arms into the air and spin in a circle like a character from The Sims. This continued for 5 or 10 seconds before I yanked the power cord from the wall.

Needless to say, all other employees that were within an eyeshot of me were dying of laughter (rather than helping). They ended up drawing a similar picture, but it had the caption "In case of fire, dance!"

[–]thephenom21 1 point2 points ago

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EC-DUB!

[–]dqjones 1 point2 points ago

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how Hulk Hogan met Linda

[–]LookAtMyHat 1 point2 points ago

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It's okay, I sent an email about it.

[–]daringlunchmeat 1 point2 points ago

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[–]shagg187 1 point2 points ago*

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OHHHHH YEAHHH... A FIRE!!!!

http://i.imgur.com/yYNZj.jpg

[–]nogoodlazybastard 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Spitfire15 2 points3 points ago

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Ohhh no... a repost!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lotlotters 0 points1 point ago

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you have to stop posting this fuckin' link man. Makes no sense, subreddit has (almost) no readers, (almost) no posts.

[–]vachular 1 point2 points ago

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Ohhh no... a repost!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lotlotters 0 points1 point ago

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you have to stop posting this fuckin' link man. Makes no sense, subreddit has (almost) no readers, (almost) no posts.

[–]RepostJesus -1 points0 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]SpoonNinja123 1 point2 points ago

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Repost.

[–]Eugenides 0 points1 point ago

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Seriously. Remind me to post this again in two months for 1k instant karma please

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lotlotters 0 points1 point ago

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you have to stop posting this fuckin' link man. Makes no sense, subreddit has (almost) no readers, (almost) no posts.

[–]MartialLol 0 points1 point ago

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Ohhhhh yeeeeeeeeah!

[–]trixter192 0 points1 point ago

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Unfair fight, disqualified. Would make a good bumfights video, though.

[–]aquasucks 0 points1 point ago

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Up to the sixth drawing I thought it would be a rape joke.

[–]fintheman 0 points1 point ago

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I thought you need to lower your base with your legs and not lift with the back to do a proper fireman's carry?

[–]luxlloth 0 points1 point ago

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you do.

[–]Lonelan 0 points1 point ago

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This has been more inappropriate times to do a "Macho Man" Randy Savage impression.

[–]hobes88 0 points1 point ago

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Oh shit a fire ಠ_ಠ !!!! Somebody throw some muthafuckin spiders on it!

[–]mcorbett 0 points1 point ago

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this is pretty awesome

[–]cinemania 0 points1 point ago

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I can't help not hearing the crowd roar while looking at that last image.

[–]Paralda 0 points1 point ago

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Oooohhhh yeahhhhhh!

[–]darkstar806 0 points1 point ago

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[–]inbloom27 0 points1 point ago

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Had this on my dorm door at school

[–]Enex 0 points1 point ago

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I have this shirt.

[–]dariyam 0 points1 point ago

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And just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse...

[–]Yippster21 0 points1 point ago

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I LOL'ed.

[–]TropicalDeathPunch 0 points1 point ago

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I definitely LOL'ed so loud that someone had to come check on me. I'd like to see a Dub Step version to this.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Ohhh no... a repost!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lotlotters 0 points1 point ago

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you have to stop posting this fuckin' link man. Makes no sense, subreddit has (almost) no readers, (almost) no posts.

[–]Kylde 0 points1 point ago

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unethical, removed

[–]notthatbright 0 points1 point ago

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That is bad advice, always lift with your knees not your back.

[–]CactusOwl 0 points1 point ago

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Four! I mean, five! I mean, fire!

[–]Internaut_Joe 0 points1 point ago

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Sometimes you just have to take advantage of these opportunities.

[–]TheUsher 0 points1 point ago

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Oooooooh yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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THATS WHAT HE GETS FOR MESSIN WITH THE CHAAAAAAAAAAMP

[–]GeorgeForemanGrillz 0 points1 point ago

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...and now you'll see a perfect plex.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like his chances of winning were... Extinguished.

[–]ArtSmass 0 points1 point ago

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RIP Randy Jackson.

[–]iznou 0 points1 point ago

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[–]ex-lurker12 0 points1 point ago

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ALWP.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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THIS IS SHOCKING! SHOCKING! IN ALL MY YEARS IN THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A FLAGRANT VIOLATION-WHERE'S THE DAMN REF! OH MY GOD!

[–]the_victor 0 points1 point ago

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is this new here?

[–]RicWooFlair 0 points1 point ago

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SO YA THINK YA KNOW WRESTLING, HUH!?

WELL AH'M THA NAITCHA BOY, AND I'M TELLIN YOU-WWOOOOOO! PAL! You don't know NOTHING!

Lookin' at those cheap diagrams isn't gonna help you style AND PROFILE like Ric Flair!

I thought it was reeeaal cute, you put that poster on Reddit, trying to get lots and lots of karma, thinking that it'll help you get a Rolex watch, or a pair of leather Gucci shoes that probably cost more than your house. But pal, I'm telling you and I'm telling you right now IT. WON'T. GET. YOU. NOTHIN'.

IF YOU REALLY THINK THAT THOSE KARMA POINTS WILL DO YOU ANY GOOD, WELL WHY DON'TCHA GET IN THA RING WITH ME! I'M THA STYLIN' PROFILIN' LIMOUSINE RIDIN'! JET FLYIN'! KISS-STEALIN'! WHEELIN'-DEALIN' SON OF A GUN AND I'VE KISSED MORE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT AND MADE DEM CRY THAN YOU EVER WILL IN YOUR LIFETIME!

WWWWWOOOOOOOOO!

[–]multivoxmuse 0 points1 point ago

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GOLF

[–]PoopsMcG 0 points1 point ago

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We used to have that hanging up in our office, but it got lost in the move and we all forgot about it. Going back up now. Thanks!

[–]elementalrain 0 points1 point ago

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This is a Threadless shirt right?

[–]HerrUggla 1 point2 points ago

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Ooh! You must be new on the internet. Welcome!

[–]Billy_Pilgrim 0 points1 point ago

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I've been on the internets since Prodigy. I've never seen this.

[–]cstyles 0 points1 point ago

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This one of my favorite tshirts from threadless, bought it a few years ago

[–]proton_gradient 0 points1 point ago

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I'm pretty sure that if this gets reposted one more time, it'll become self aware.

[–]rwingvr6 0 points1 point ago

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Holy shit that was hilarious!!!

[–]deathwebo 0 points1 point ago

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motherfucker made laugh my ass off

[–]Panthertron -1 points0 points ago

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i just spit all over my screen. thank you

[–]Vortex17 -2 points-1 points ago

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OOOHHH YYEEEEEUHH....a fire! FTFY

[–]IMadeThisShitUp -2 points-1 points ago

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You all laugh, but this actually happened once in the summer of 1996. A man by the name of Keith Alpert was smoking a cigarette while watching television and accidentally fell asleep, dropping the lit stub of the cigarette and setting fire to his couch. His flat mate, Leon Curtis, came home from work early to see smoke pouring out of the apartment window. He ran upstairs, unlocked the front door, and kicked his friend in the testicles.

The rest, as they say, is history.

[–]microfortnight 0 points1 point ago

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Call me suspicious, but you made that shit up, didn't you?

[–]IMadeThisShitUp 0 points1 point ago

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I read it in the Book of Realisations, a 19th century manuscript detailing events such as the above. Another interesting story involved a woman called Susan Biggs shooting pheasants out of the sky using dessicated sausage meat, but that's another story for another time.

The Book of Realisations was only discovered recently by an explorer known as George Turpin. He quickly realised the importance of his find, and donated it to the British Museum, where it resides in the Department of Prints and Drawings as they weren't sure where else to put it.

The rest, as they say, is history.

[–]imtrappedinabox -1 points0 points ago

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You got knocked the fuck out!

[–]ThePCKid -1 points0 points ago

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  • Superman -- the one that is knocked out
  • Winner -- some random person with cryptonite