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top 200 commentsshow all 297

[–][deleted] 444 points445 points ago

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spend the money trying to obtain a relationship

Bitches love six bucks in coins.

[–]l2izwan 340 points341 points ago

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Yeah, I'd use pennies too...

[–]SpaceWorld 126 points127 points ago

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I would also use penis.*

*The above is best read in a Russian accent.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points ago

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Surprisingly funny.

5* would read in my head again

[–]myoidenramre 18 points19 points ago

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People through-out the world tonight are mumbling to themselves that they would also use penis, in a stereotypical Russian accent.

[–]faprawr 5 points6 points ago

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Shut up and spank my monkey!

[–]PSBlake 1 point2 points ago

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l2izwan USED PENIS!

It's not very effective...

[–]cold_shot_27 112 points113 points ago

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This is useless for me I gave up masturbating 24 minutes ago.

[–]Deeterific 74 points75 points ago

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I quit three times today alone!

[–]Frix 4 points5 points ago

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Though I'm feeling a relapse is coming any minute now...

[–]impulsivedryer 4 points5 points ago

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coming

[–]cdxliv 58 points59 points ago

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Six bucks? For a month? Your salami needs more spanking.

[–]Fozanator 108 points109 points ago

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6 dollars is 600 pennies, and in one month, that would be an average of ~20 sessions with Palmela Handerson every day. I think that that much is actually potentially dangerous.

[–]douglasr007 23 points24 points ago

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This is where I post that quote from Upright Citizens Brigade about ass pennies.

[–]Balseraph 28 points29 points ago

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"You think you're better than me? You have ALL handled my ass pennies!"

[–]KZissou 10 points11 points ago

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I prefer Handgelina Jolie

[–]emceeeloc 2 points3 points ago

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Handie Newton

I just like black chicks.

[–]mage2k 7 points8 points ago

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Pennies?! Those things are worth so little that the government loses other money on them. Now, 600 quarters & you have $150. That's at least a couple dates for those frivolous wankers of us out there. Or, you could go with the other suggestion: charity. That's how you turn those Pamela Andersons, and Handersons, too!, into a force of good on more than one level.

[–]Fozanator 17 points18 points ago

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...Are you saying that more people should be giving handjobs to the homeless?

[–]rickreflex 9 points10 points ago

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no responsibility AND free handies?? ...sign me up

[–]i_practice_santeria 4 points5 points ago

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Ah dammit, I thought Palmela Handerson was a porn star.

[–]Fozanator 7 points8 points ago

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Hmm, I don't know about that. If she is though, that is a kind of surprisingly hand-centric porn name. She must have hands like Lana's.

[–]DUmpy-Pillow 8 points9 points ago

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"So that's what you want?"

"YeEUP!"

[–]digitalundernet 2 points3 points ago

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She is to me...she is to me.

[–]FortyFs 20 points21 points ago

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Bitches love six bucks in coins.

That's only three coins in Canada.

[–]barnes80 18 points19 points ago

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and therefore the rest of the world.

[–]epicphoton 11 points12 points ago

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This is definitely not tradition.

[–]theanswerisfries 14 points15 points ago

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Bitch, I'm a bus. accepts coins for ride

[–]bestbiff 1 point2 points ago

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You either have not nearly enough spare money to obtain a relationship, or you have way too much money produced by your extreme masturbation habit.

[–]sm4k 239 points240 points ago

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I'm a little bit frightened/shocked that I clicked an imgur.com link with the name of 'Masturbation jar' without skipping a beat.

[–]Shins 64 points65 points ago

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I expected the worst.

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points ago

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I was expecting the image of that person describing how he keeps all of his sperm in a large jar and then uses it to make alcohol.

And I still clicked it :/

[–]sameBoatz 28 points29 points ago

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Same here. WTF is wrong with us?

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points ago

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We're from the internet.

[–]h4mburgers 8 points9 points ago

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Was expecting this NSFW.

[–]7aji88 4 points5 points ago

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I felt a bit disappointed. My mind started going places while the image was loading.

[–]V2Blast 2 points3 points ago

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We would have been warned were it truly NSFW.

[–]rotzooi 2 points3 points ago

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I was expecting something relating to the infamous 4chan Christmas Bottles Of Cum. And still clicked it.

[–]dubloe7 5 points6 points ago

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Yeah, I kind of expected this. (sfw pic, barely nsfw text)

[–]scaredsquee 8 points9 points ago

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Why is it so... yellow....

[–]Rocketeering 3 points4 points ago

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it's fermenting for later use

[–]Pravusmentis 246 points247 points ago

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Well it is actually a good idea, too bad I'm also poor

[–][deleted] 248 points249 points ago

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It's a coin jar. How much masturbating are you doing?

[–]ImNotJesus 261 points262 points ago

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I spend all of my money on tissues

[–]sczmbz 221 points222 points ago

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Guess what came in the mail today? I did. Ran out of tissues.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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Well then dump all those nickels out of your masturbation jar and put it to a better use!

[–]nimitzhunter 18 points19 points ago

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Like going to a strip club?

[–]oddsmojo 110 points111 points ago

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Make it hail!

[–]renkluaf 29 points30 points ago

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I'm a baller on a budget!

[–]mage2k 2 points3 points ago

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Damn. What movie was that?

[–]Shorties 2 points3 points ago

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I saw it in either Daniel Tosh's or Wyatt Cenac's recent stand up special.

[–]Trowzers 1 point2 points ago

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Daniel Tosh's standup. He's amazing live. Laughter for 2 straight hours. My cheeks hurt after.

[–]thefreshscent 5 points6 points ago

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Please do not throw coins at the dancers.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 2 points3 points ago

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And when it's full you can donate it to your favorite bukkake star!

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

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I'm not running some socialist cum jar charity here.

[–]shitfaceddick 10 points11 points ago

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Megumi this is for yooooouuu!!!

[–]douglasr007 1 point2 points ago

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I'm sorry but "donations" to whores is still prostitution

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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You think that's bad. I masturbate so much that all of my money goes on healthcare premiums, to take care of the scar tissues.

[–]ImNotJesus 3 points4 points ago

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Gives a whole new meaning to "Scar tissue that I wish you saw"

[–]clippys_bad_advice 1 point2 points ago

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It looks like you're trying to spank the monkey. Would you like some pointers on Kegel Exercises?

[–]Pigeon_Logic 149 points150 points ago

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It sure is repost in here. The original has a link to the author's site, too. http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/hie6k/masturbation_jar_sfw/

[–]mwardle 30 points31 points ago

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I bet the guy who posted that originally is also handsome and an all around great fellow... just saying

[–]Pigeon_Logic 18 points19 points ago

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People who link to the source are always handsome people.

[–]douglasr007 1 point2 points ago

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but this is reddit

[–]maryannevans 1 point2 points ago

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Masturbation Jar Hipster - I prefer the original post. Me sending karma your way. Relevant.

[–]MightyWarWren 1 point2 points ago

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Nice try, guy who posted that originally.

[–][deleted] 62 points63 points ago

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Source for those interested. I'm normally okay with reposts, but these were posted about 2 hours apart? Come on!

[–]lowScore 26 points27 points ago

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[–]ihaveacalculator 43 points44 points ago

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[–]GeorgeCauldron 3 points4 points ago

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[–]Feduppanda 11 points12 points ago

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You think the guy in the $6000 suit is worrying about reposts? COME ON!!

[–]RanRanRuu 21 points22 points ago

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Telling Mistress!

[–]apekillape 12 points13 points ago

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Permission to splash on your tits?

[–]nothing_clever 2 points3 points ago

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It's been another Sunday, hasn't it? I haven't quite gotten into the swing of a weekly oglaf.

[–]apekillape 2 points3 points ago

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I try to forget it exists for as long as possible, so when I go back there are a least a couple up. It rarely lasts for more than a week or two though. Damnable shame.

[–]zjbird 36 points37 points ago

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Glad I finished it.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]zjbird 13 points14 points ago

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lol, drink some water you silly hungover owl

[–]Nefariousmg 3 points4 points ago

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I came to the end as well!

[–]kriegz01 3 points4 points ago

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I nearly puked as soon as i saw the title and the concept in my mind...Curiosity got the best of me and i clicked the link anyway..whew!

[–]Vendi 22 points23 points ago

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"Spank the salami" I think you meant "Beat the meat"

[–]conwyt 17 points18 points ago

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"Beat the meat" I think you meant "Tickle the pickle"

[–]pwnyoudedinface[S] 14 points15 points ago

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"Tickle the pickle" I think you meant "Slickin' the stick"

[–]crackerjam 5 points6 points ago

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"Slickin' the stick" I think you meant "Spank the monkey"

[–]pwnyoudedinface[S] 3 points4 points ago

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"Spank the monkey" I think you meant "Rubbin the rabbit"

[–]conwyt 3 points4 points ago

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"Rubbin the rabbit" I think you meant "Caressing the carrot"

[–]frodokun 47 points48 points ago

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"Caressing the carrot" I think you meant "Whacking the Waffle"

[–]RidiculouslyLongName 19 points20 points ago

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[–]bookey23 5 points6 points ago

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"Whacking the Waffle" I think you meant "Flogging the Dolphin"

[–]34enjoythelilthings 4 points5 points ago

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"Flogging the Dolphin" I think you meant "Petting the Puppy"

[–]crackox 9 points10 points ago

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"Petting the Puppy" I think you meant "Raping the Cat"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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"Petting the Puppy" I think you meant "Choking the Chicken"

[–]TheNickLovin 1 point2 points ago

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"Whacking the Waffle" I think you meant "Releasing the Fairies"

(Wouldn't "waffle" apply to the feminine, as in "blue waffle"?)

[–]remz22 7 points8 points ago

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DON'T YOU MEAN CARROTS

[–]nrfx 8 points9 points ago

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"This" I think you meant "That"

[–]lskdns 16 points17 points ago

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I have non-consensual sex with my left hand

[–]zzorga 4 points5 points ago

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That would be awkward with alien hand syndrome.

[–]Pyromoose 1 point2 points ago

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can't wait to try that one day, sounds....useful.

<_ <> _>

[–]mrpickles 1 point2 points ago

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Oooh Hooo!

[–]tyme 5 points6 points ago

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it's euphemisms all the way down.

[–]green_lighter 23 points24 points ago

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"here mom, this is reddit" opens to *MASTURBATION JAR** *mom pats on shoulder, walks away

thanks alot guys.

[–]VantasKarkat 8 points9 points ago

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In all fairness, this is Reddit. What did you expect would show up? Even LOLcats has ceiling cat.

[–]RambiTheRhino 23 points24 points ago

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The family that cums together saves together.

[–]DontActuallyDoThis 8 points9 points ago

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[–]douglasr007 0 points1 point ago

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Why not?

[–]Boredpotatoe2 4 points5 points ago

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[ಠ_ಠ](/ "ಠ_ಠ")

[–]youre_on_a_list_now 3 points4 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]Clowncopter 1 point2 points ago

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The Aristocrats!

[–]korbels 10 points11 points ago

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Disapointing. I keep a jar of my ejaculate in my room. Thought this was a DAE.

[–]Ibitemynails 3 points4 points ago

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The title gave me and uncomfortable flashback to a friend's dorm room, when we were all sitting around and a girl saw a can of Pringles. She opened it to find that the guy had been using the can for weeks as a Masturbation Jar. The smell was the fucking worst.

[–]FckingGyarados 29 points30 points ago

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Why was I expecting a large jar filled with seamen..

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points ago

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That would be a very large jar

[–]ImNotJesus 45 points46 points ago

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Or a very tiny pirate

[–]panamaspace 1 point2 points ago

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Also, long, hard and often seen underwater.

[–]thehomie 1 point2 points ago

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yeah, and probably easy to masturbate to in.

[–]mrpickles 2 points3 points ago

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How interesting. I was expecting a jar filled with semen...

[–]IHaveALargePenis 3 points4 points ago

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I was SOOOOO confused I can't even begin to start. I kept thinking "a monkey who wants to obtain a relationship? Donate it? WTF is this guy going on about?". Then I realized I miss read it. But seriously, no monkeys will show up if I jack off one too many times in a month, right?

[–]manboat 4 points5 points ago

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Alternate ending - the patent clerk walks back in and looks at the jar with a horrified expression on his face. There's a coin in the jar.

Cut to the other individuals face - he goes from shocked to horrified.

Cut back to the jar - there's two coins in it.

[–]Harold_Grundelson 3 points4 points ago

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How do you determine the amount of money you put in? Like for a swear jar, 'fuck' is probably going to cost you a buck or two while 'ass' would be a quarter or a dime.

Is it prorated for the duration, if porn is involved or not, etc.?

[–]cerebron 4 points5 points ago

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Also, do you feel like a whore afterwards?

[–]Harold_Grundelson 4 points5 points ago

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I feel like an entrepreneur - a dirty, whorish entrepreneur.

[–]BaconChapstick 1 point2 points ago

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Actually it's measured in how much you cum. One tissue is 50 cents. Two tissues is $1 etc.

[–]bj12y3 1 point2 points ago

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I think its based on what you masturbate to, the worse it is, the more you pay. Then you don't feel as guilty.

[–]cdxliv 2 points3 points ago

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More like a masturbation vault, a jar is only good for daily deposits.

[–]artichoke_heart 2 points3 points ago

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Totally predictable but I like it anyway.

[–]login_or_register_ 2 points3 points ago

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Oh boy! I certainly didnt see that coming.

[–]tcisme 2 points3 points ago

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Did anyone else first think that the back of the label on the jar in the last frames was a puddle of his semen?

[–]bforbes 2 points3 points ago

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Laughed aloud

[–]slothorentropy 5 points6 points ago

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Why in the fuck is this getting so much love?

[–]BTMPL 1 point2 points ago

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STOP LIKING STUFF I DON'T LIKE!

[–]_Volpina_ 1 point2 points ago

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I wouldn't want that money. It'd be all sticky and gross. No thanks.

[–]fuller44 1 point2 points ago

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We're going to need a bigger jar...

[–]benw24 1 point2 points ago

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I don't get it.

[–]The-Dudemeister 1 point2 points ago

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Made me think of a post on reddit that came from 4chan I saw a year or so ago. It was about a guy that actually had a masturbation jar that he filled up. After it was filled he would drink it and claimed it was like some sort of super viagra that would make him really horny give him ranging erections and blow huge mind blowing loads for a few days after. Probably was bs, but who knows. I tried to find it so I can link it, but I failed.

[–]Peroxyde 2 points3 points ago

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He made 15% ABV cum wine. Why the fuck do I remember that?

[–]The-Dudemeister 1 point2 points ago

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Like learning that velociraptors can open doors, that post is not easy forgotten.

[–]tanmandu 1 point2 points ago

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I see. So he masturbated while the other man was out of the room.....interesting.

[–]Jurynelson 1 point2 points ago

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Thanks for rehosting this on imgur. I also hate artists.

[–]thepompano 1 point2 points ago

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this was posted 3 hours prior, in the same subreddit, by mwardle - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/hie6k/masturbation_jar_sfw/

[–]mikedave 1 point2 points ago

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Was anyone else expecting a jar full of semen? ...really got to stop going to 4chan.

[–]Jerakeen 1 point2 points ago

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I imagine the sum total of trepidation amongst redditors in the time between clicking the link and the picture coming up was quite high.

[–]Bukowskaii 1 point2 points ago

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Is the image fucked up or is that just me?

[–]idkydi 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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the drawing is cool but it is not so funny when it is predictable! and this one was.

[–]sedmonster 1 point2 points ago

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Somebody call Monsanto, unauthorized party paying for seed!

[–]Hands 1 point2 points ago

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Lame cumvase variant.

[–]WouldYouTurnMeOn 1 point2 points ago

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Could have done without the last 4 panels.

[–]mauicormac 1 point2 points ago

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I was deployed in Iraq and one of the guys in my room caught a rat with a trap and needed somewhere to put it until we could make a dump run (The dump was miles away). Our third roommate was into lifting and had left an empty protein tub next to the trash. The guy who caught the rat opened the tub, looked inside and let out a scream like he caught his dad balls deep in his mom. Luckily he didn't drop the tub because inside was about 25-30 used condoms. Our roommate was whacking off into condoms and putting them into a protein tub.

When we asked him wtf he was doing he replied that it "saves on cleanup", and he couldn't think of a better place to put the used condoms. This dude must have spent like a $1000 on condoms by the time the deployment was over...

True masturbation jar.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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this is the dumbest fucking comic... people are so stupid

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I am very scared that tomorrow I am going to wake up to see reddit plastered with 'Masturbation Jar [Fixed]' links

[–]kirkoswald 1 point2 points ago

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hahahahhah seriously gave me a good laugh out loud moment

[–]rreegg 6 points7 points ago

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Front page? Really?

[–]lesgo -1 points0 points ago

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Crap like this reaching #1 makes me feel that maybe I don't belong on Reddit anymore : \

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]tclineks 1 point2 points ago

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I concur but don't you mean lower?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I'm not sure what's worse. The idea of this or the term "spank the salami"

[–]Stucifer2 1 point2 points ago

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I put 3 coins in the jar while reading that comic...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I would go bankrupt day one.

[–]StoryGopher 0 points1 point ago

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Well that went way better than I expected.

[–]jthompson68 0 points1 point ago

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I'm putting one in the break room at work tomorrow. Team building FTW!

[–]kaptinkracker 0 points1 point ago

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poker face

[–]otsegotuesday 0 points1 point ago

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it got filled up after i got engaged

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I dont get it. Does that mean i "salami" too much?

[–]Blaueziege 0 points1 point ago

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I definitely expected to see a jar of cum when I clicked that. Not sure why I did.

[–]KhalilRavanna 0 points1 point ago

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B===D -=LooooL=-

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I thought that was called the "Spank Bank"

[–]DontBreatheThis 0 points1 point ago

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JIZZRATE

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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The masturbation jar: the literal spank bank.

[–]littleninja89 0 points1 point ago

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Thank you for not showing me a 4chan-ish cum dumpster. I enjoyed it.

[–]paraiahpapaya 0 points1 point ago

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Where did it go?

[–]Dmelvin 0 points1 point ago

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This is relevant on so many levels, I just got done filling out a patent application an hour ago.

[–]perrin85 0 points1 point ago

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better start getting rolls of quarter from the bank!

[–]tylerdurden77 0 points1 point ago

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coins? how cute, I put baby batter in mine

[–]ChadwickHenryWard 0 points1 point ago

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I'm out.

[–]MongolianBBQ 0 points1 point ago

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Sounds like a good way to go bankrupt.

[–]carpeltuna 0 points1 point ago

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if this were 4chan, clicking on that link would lead somewhere very different.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I was pretty sure the last few panels would be a full jar, patent clerk with dick in hand yelling "I'LL BE A MILLIONAIRE!!!!"

[–]Osiiris 0 points1 point ago

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Come on Forever Alones of reddit. If we pool our masturbation jar funds we can probably lift the entire continent of Africa out poverty.

[–]HPLovemuffin 0 points1 point ago

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It's not often I'm afraid to click on a link. This was one of those times.

[–]Suplalmo 0 points1 point ago

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The important thing to take away from this comic is the fact that masturbation is more often a result of boredom than arousal.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Did not need the last four panels.

[–]takatori 0 points1 point ago

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Should have called it a jerk jar.

Or wank bank.

[–]dominick79 0 points1 point ago

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Oh, wow, I did not see that cumming.

[–]teratomata 0 points1 point ago

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This is why I stopped masturbating this summer, and instead decided I will only get off if someone else does it for me. I'm a few weeks in and doing A-OK.

[–]nadeemsrf 0 points1 point ago

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I think you meant "Spank the monkey" and i will sent you link for help http://www.hungamatime.com/wallpaper/latest-wallpaper.html

[–]markipoo 0 points1 point ago

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kudos to the artist of this comic, amazing idea

[–]Superstingerbee 0 points1 point ago

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Panel 9 really looks like Charlie Brooker!

[–]91Jacob 0 points1 point ago

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This is an awesome idea.

[–]AkshayaSingh 0 points1 point ago

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Masturbation Jar ??? ... REALLY ? .... Stay Classy Reddit .. Stay Classy .. (because that's why I love this website)

[–]jt004c 0 points1 point ago

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I don't get it. Is he supposed to be embarrassed that the guy now knows he just masturbated?

[–]dannylandulf 0 points1 point ago

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Saw that cumming a mile away.

[–]sloonark 0 points1 point ago

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The last three panels were unnecessary, and in fact lessened the impact of the punchline.

[–]Bichofelix 0 points1 point ago

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This deserves an upvote. Woke up at 5am in the morning and this made my day. Thank you OP.

[–]Bat-Jesus 0 points1 point ago

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we've all done it

[–]FlyingSalt 0 points1 point ago

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ROFL'ed so hard.

[–]TheBiles 0 points1 point ago

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This is extra hilarious after coming from the most awkward fap thread.

[–]jeannaimard 0 points1 point ago

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Well, I didn’t have a masturbation jar per se, but a sweatshirt (I still have it) which I would wear whenever I masturbate, and I did ejaculate on it.

I never washed it for the whole winter, and in the spring, it was quite crusty.

[–]kromak 0 points1 point ago

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Why do people think one only masturbates when not on a relationship? I never stopped since starting so many years ago..

[–]Goose31 0 points1 point ago

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I saw the punchline coming from a mile away, and I still laughed. Upvoted :)