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top 200 commentsshow all 294

[–]captainondeck 211 points212 points ago

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I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

[–]cdemps62 84 points85 points ago

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If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.

[–]shunt110 4 points5 points ago

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I really wanted to hear the rest of that joke... then he died

[–]my_personal_army 2 points3 points ago

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Scumbag Mitch

[–]bmackie1987 21 points22 points ago

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i went to the store and bought 8 apples. the clerk asked me if i wanted them in a bag. i said "no man i juggle! but i can only juggle 8, so if you see me in here buying 9 apples, BAG EM UP!!"

[–]Gerdel 10 points11 points ago*

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"I got this belt, which is holding up my pants, but then I got these pant loops, which are holding up my belt. I don't know what the hell is really going on down there! Who is the real hero?"

[–]werealldoodshey 6 points7 points ago

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i used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

[–]av_e_ator 228 points229 points ago

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I used to upvote. I still do, but I used to too.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Sometimes I upvote. Sometimes I do not. I think I will continue to do this.

[–][deleted] 329 points330 points ago

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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, "no, but I want a regular banana later, so...yea."

[–]Africanzambian 248 points249 points ago

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It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

[–]Duckbilling 167 points168 points ago

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I think when pringles opened up they origionally set out to make tennis balls. On the first day a truck showed up with potatoes, and they said "fuck it, cut em up."

[–]apekillape 37 points38 points ago

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This is my favorite one right here, and there's a lot of hilarious out there. Something about the way he just says "Fuck it, cut 'em up!" kills me every time.

[–]warchamp7 28 points29 points ago

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The main thing that made Mitch as hilarious as he was was his delivery. I have yet to see anyone better.

[–]Bloqhead 14 points15 points ago

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His delivery was signature. It's absolutely impossible for me to read his jokes without reading them in his voice.

[–]CocoSavege 10 points11 points ago

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It's not just his delivery - although gotta give him props when he performed well.

It's also the density of the funny. He distilled bits down to single lines and would rattle them off boom boom boom.

Take a more traditional hack and they would surround the funny with pander. A hedberg line would be expanded into like 2 minutes of diluted funny by a less gifted comedian.

I'll try an example.

Hedberg: "I like rice. It's great when you want to eat a thousand of something".

Hack: "Do you ever get hungry? I mean, really hungry? Wow. Sometimes I get really hungry and I want to eat a ton of food, but nothing is enough. I'll eat a steak, then a chicken, then bacon! Bacon is good, amirite? But then you know what hits the spot? Rice. Don't knock it. How often can you say you ate a thousand of something?"

Yeah. By the time you wade through the shit it's not even remotely funny. Hedberg (including his delivery) would hone his bits down to weapon grade.

[–]case2000 2 points3 points ago

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FTR - I read your comment in his voice - it was abs-so-lutly-em-possible... not to.

[–]pipsqeek 12 points13 points ago

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Now it all makes sense.

[–]tyredditsaurusrex 40 points41 points ago

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Dammit Mitch, why did you have to leave us? RIP mate.

[–]Entourageman 15 points16 points ago

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Think of all the comedy he would've made in the past 6 years. Dammit :(

[–]Raakam 12 points13 points ago

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Instead, we got Dane Cook...

THANKS BARACK!

[–]amaltheas2 63 points64 points ago

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I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't you even act like I didn't buy this donut! I have the receipt... damn ... I forgot it... at home... in the filing cabinet... under D... for donut."

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points ago

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We do not need to bring ink and paper into this transaction.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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We do not need to bring ink. and paper. into this transaction. I am trying to type the way he used to talk. Kinda choppy.

[–]bret_with_1_t 33 points34 points ago

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"You guys are a smart crowd - I didn't even have to tell you why I was filing it under D."

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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This is the first Mitch joke I heard.

[–]Petree53 5 points6 points ago

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i always hear him saying it as "D for Donit" Like sammich but for small round pastries

[–]Bobaganoosh 157 points158 points ago

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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana? at?'

[–]LucasRiley 46 points47 points ago

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[–]Bobaganoosh 7 points8 points ago

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I wouldn't tell Mitch that. He wouldn't be too pleased.

[–]extemporaneous 68 points69 points ago

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Unless he was actually looking for an answer to his question.

Also, he might be happy to suddenly be alive.

[–]saintdog 5 points6 points ago

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He might be less happy if he's a zombie. Maybe not.

[–]palehorse864 5 points6 points ago

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If there were a zombie apocalypse, and Mitch was a zombie; I wouldn't shoot him.

[–]YellowRedBlack 3 points4 points ago

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Also, don't tell him when you see a broken escalator.

[–]Bobaganoosh 8 points9 points ago

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I would. He'd be the most optimistic person in the room about the situation.

[–]KOWguy 8 points9 points ago

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Diddy in Donkey Kong 64

[–]LifesSweetDrug 18 points19 points ago

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

[–]hikid 11 points12 points ago

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I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. AND. So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.

[–]poktanju 18 points19 points ago

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A guy told me he liked cherries, but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato, before I realized he likes cherries, just. Okay, that was ridiculous. That was like a carbon copy of the previous joke, just with different... in-gre-di-ents.

[–]GuyWithFace 6 points7 points ago

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See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!

Lemme have the Steak Fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up! It's for a duck!

[–]rabbitrun 7 points8 points ago

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There are six ducks out there, and they all want sun chips!

[–]kupoforkuponuts 29 points30 points ago

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There's always money in the banana stand.

[–]Devz0r 44 points45 points ago

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Steve Holt: [after GOB opens a new frozen banana stand] We don't even really know the recipe.

George Michael Bluth: There's no recipe. You just freeze a banana and stick it in the...

Michael: [quickly interrupting] Don't tell them!

Steve Holt: Stick it in the what? Stick it in the what?!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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STEVE HOLT!

[–]kupoforkuponuts 6 points7 points ago

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\o/

[–]Mister_Big 124 points125 points ago

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I like club sandwiches, man, but I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]haddock420 38 points39 points ago

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Instead of cutting the sandwich once, we shall cut it again!

[–]telekinetic 37 points38 points ago

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And in the center, we shall dump chips!

[–]cmerrett 25 points26 points ago

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Or potato salad...

[–]deselby12 4 points5 points ago

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Alright.

[–]Derbl 8 points9 points ago

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DIAGONALLY!

[–]banjer 17 points18 points ago

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I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.

[–]Mr_Guy_34 40 points41 points ago

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well then your not in the fucking club

[–]mgoreddit 6 points7 points ago

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Well then you're not in the club!

[–]4pumpWonderChump 57 points58 points ago

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Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

[–]BangarangRufio 36 points37 points ago*

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Not Mitch, but true story:

My brother and his friends were riding bikes through a neighborhood in town that they had never been in before. Being the 10-11 year old boys that they were, they decided to try out some "tricks", weaving around mailboxes and attempting to pop wheelies. As soon as they saw a woman jogging in their direction, his buddy stood on his pedals and lifted his hands in the air exclaiming "Look guys, no hands!". The woman who had been running towards them made a slow u-turn, just long enough for my brother to see tears welling up in her eyes.. She had. no. hands.

[–]6r3nn4nhax 6 points7 points ago

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I wish I could provide more than one upboat.

[–]michellelt 18 points19 points ago

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I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and catch up with them later.

[–]Presii 64 points65 points ago

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I logged in for this.

[–]haddock420 54 points55 points ago

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I convinced myself that it wasn't funny.

[–]Mobula 59 points60 points ago

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You're a liar.

[–]CiD7707 13 points14 points ago

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Now we will pull the pin shut. Now he can't say shit.

[–]9ren 1 point2 points ago

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Show me your lip!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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After two hours of

an error occurred while posting (status: 502)

I had just convinced myself that there wasn't anything funny on reddit, when it finally let me log in.

[–]unussapiens 1 point2 points ago

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I didn't have to do much convincing for myself. Mitch makes me think of Forrest Gump and Napoleon Dynamite's mentally handicapped offspring.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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there are 10 ducks outside, and they all want sunchips!

[–]haddock420 32 points33 points ago

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Ducks love bread, but they don't have the ability to buy a loaf. That's the cruelest joke on the duck ever.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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If ducks were able to purchase bread I'd feel bad for them because they would all be obese.

[–]kibitzor 5 points6 points ago

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Do not bother ringing it up.

[–]tbird24 68 points69 points ago

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Mitch would make such a good redditor :)

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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I don't know if he'd actually like 224 comments of people repeating his jokes every time he's brought up.

There'd be no shortage of people willing to suck his dick, though.

[–]decoyq 2 points3 points ago

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I'm not gay, but if that would bring him back, I'd surely do it.

[–]the_mattador 46 points47 points ago*

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Besides, I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

EDIT: punctuation

[–]poktanju 19 points20 points ago

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That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Hey, look at that dead guy ... let's go that way."

[–]undercoveruser 35 points36 points ago

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Arrows? Just click on the upper (or lower) part of the invisible H.

[–]Cup_O_Bacon 15 points16 points ago

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The H is for Hedberg

[–]Nebu 1 point2 points ago

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How do you explain the [M] next to some user names?

[–]themantiss 1 point2 points ago

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You can't explain that!

[–]neverforgetyourtowel 16 points17 points ago

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Cannot unsee!

[–]Quazifuji 4 points5 points ago

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Everyone always says that, but I forget about it every time until it comes up again. I really don't find it hard to unsee at all.

[–]rockne 5 points6 points ago

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The H prefers differently visible.

[–]undercoveruser 3 points4 points ago

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Sorry about that. I didn't meant to hurt its feelings.

[–]LSDemon 5 points6 points ago

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Maybe they could make up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

[–]CiD7707 17 points18 points ago

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Smokey the Bear is way more intense in person

[–]SierraEcho 1 point2 points ago

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He's an asshole!

[–]CapnCrunchHarkness 6 points7 points ago

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My house was infested with koalas. It was the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. I'd turn on the lights and a bunch of koalas would scatter. But I didn't want them to! I was like, "hold on fellas...let me hold one of you...and feed you a leaf."

[–]standardnerds 16 points17 points ago

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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!

[–]NotSoFatThrowAway 25 points26 points ago

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I'm so sad that Mitch is no longer with us, but then I remember he is never going to be gone. He was just in my head reading this to me.

[–]liquidco2 6 points7 points ago

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I had an ant farm.... Them fellas didn't grow shit!

[–]repoman79 4 points5 points ago

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"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake."

[–]Punkrockprincess 16 points17 points ago

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I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"- Rip Mitch

[–]gordenvr6 9 points10 points ago

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You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"

[–]Bha-Ku 7 points8 points ago

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I have days where I read everything in his voice. Then again.. I do that everyday. And I'm usually stoned when I do it. But.. I'm always stoned.

[–]Funkagenda 2 points3 points ago

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[5]

[–]HottieHickson 3 points4 points ago

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Sometimes i like to take a toothpick to the woods. Then i throw the toothpick at a tree and say " Your Home!"

[–]groybord 7 points8 points ago

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you... you're... uhh.. fuck it nevermind

[–]GauchoBearBulldog 2 points3 points ago

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Just a comment about Mitch Hedberg: I saw him perform once in Berkeley, California at a venue of a few hundred and he was very funny. I was sitting near the front and could see behind his sunglasses. After a few minutes I realized that he was closing his eyes during the entire set. He must have had terrible stage fright and that's why he closed his eyes. Any man that realizes what he loves to do and still does it despite such a debilitating fear has my upvote. Rest in peace, good man.

[–]chupathingy193 6 points7 points ago

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If you're lost in the woods... fuck it... build a house.

[–]millertime0503 6 points7 points ago

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I have severly improved my prediacment!

[–]Acidyo 7 points8 points ago

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Haha, happened to me alot lately. I'm like, nah.

[–]m_not_logged_in 8 points9 points ago

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I wanted to upvote it, but then I realized, it isn't funny..

[–]NonSequiturMitch 3 points4 points ago

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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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You ain't no Mitch Hedberg.

[–]Ilyanep 2 points3 points ago

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This is similar to some results within the theory of cognitive dissonance, which is something I'm learning about in my introductory social psychology class this term (whoo general humanities and social science requirements!). Pretty cool stuff.

[–]dquizzle 2 points3 points ago

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Actual Laughter Was Produced. These Mitch threads never get old. May the legend never die!

[–]cars15 2 points3 points ago

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i haven't laughed at something that hard for quite some time

[–]TheWingedPig 2 points3 points ago

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Is that Steven Wilson of Porcupine Tree?

EDIT* Ok, after looking at other people's posts, I answered my own question; the answer being no. Mitch Hedburg.

[–]mcfarag 9 points10 points ago

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RIP Mitch :(

[–]Devious_ 25 points26 points ago

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Who else read that in his voice and with his delivery style?

[–]Imperial_Walker 126 points127 points ago

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...Everyone?

[–]TeddyPicker 10 points11 points ago

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I Imagine most people who listen to Mitch did. Come to think of it, I tend to do that with most jokes I read, I just love Mitch's style of delivery.

[–]ftc08 9 points10 points ago

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This entire thread has been in his voice for me.

I can make him say interesting things.

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

[–]kyurah 3 points4 points ago

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This link made me laugh. Then it made me sad all over again. He is without a doubt my favorite comedian of all time. RIP.

[–]thebluebeagal 1 point2 points ago

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Lucky for you I happened to be logged in when I saw this.

[–]db0255 1 point2 points ago

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I logged in just to upvote this.

[–]starvingchild 1 point2 points ago

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samezies

[–]Berlusconi 1 point2 points ago

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I'm logged in automatically on everything. Having to log into a website manually has become a huge nuisance.

[–]drfinklestein 1 point2 points ago

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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. RIP Mitch.

[–]workerparasite 1 point2 points ago

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Logged in just to upvote. Sorry, Mitchell.

[–]Herpandaderp 1 point2 points ago

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A man handed me a picture and said "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Of course it was, every picture of you is when you were younger.

[–]giunta13 1 point2 points ago

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RIP

[–]ZombieSociety 1 point2 points ago

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"I helped a friend stay put. It was a lot easier than helping him move. I just had to make sure he did not start to load shit into a truck."

[–]pubup 1 point2 points ago

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I tried to walk into target, but I missed.

[–]GreatBabu 1 point2 points ago

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Ahhhhhh... Mitch.

Uptoke...

[–]ifff 1 point2 points ago

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why would you be logged out of reddit?

[–]theneonbible 1 point2 points ago

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Waffles are, like, maple syrup traps..

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Oh Mitch. We hardly knew ye.

[–]FactsEyeJustMadeUp 1 point2 points ago

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this joke used to be funny.

still is. but it used to be too.

[–]moochicken22 1 point2 points ago

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RIP: You are missed.

[–]NeverInformed 1 point2 points ago

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i feel like im re-encountering all the mitch standups.. im cracking up reading all of these

[–]Isaac_Shepard 1 point2 points ago

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I miss him

[–]layout420 1 point2 points ago

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Let's just call fishing what it really is, tricking... and killing.

[–]coderedmountaindew 1 point2 points ago

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Here's a story about Mitch I was told. Im a standup comic and heard this from another well known comic when we were discussing him. " You know when you havent seen anybody for a long time, you're like "HEY So and so! Good to see you!", Well I was doing this show in Seattle with Mitch, and we havent seen each other for like 2 years and Mitch just says "Hey So and so, do you have any cocaine?" and i told him no. All he said was "Neither do I, thats why i was asking."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Mitch Hedberg is the real life "The Dude." But without all the drama, just abiding.

[–]heyoumotherf 1 point2 points ago

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Why someone with account doesn't log in?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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wow

[–]pseudonym42 1 point2 points ago

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Very well done. I love Mitch threads.

-- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  • Mitch Hedberg

Read more

[–]Ludovico 1 point2 points ago

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yo! mitch hedberg doesn't use contractions!

"or, if i am not logged in, i have to convince myself that it was not that funny."

FTFY

[–]chrisman2000 1 point2 points ago

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Saw this and I am now immediately going to YouTube to watch some clips

[–]chka 1 point2 points ago

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What does this mean: "if I'm not logged in"?

[–]flippityfloppityfloo 2 points3 points ago

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In DC, we constantly have issues with the escalators being broken in the metro. He would make an excellent DC'er as well as a Redditor.

[–]citybythesea[S] 3 points4 points ago

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The following escalators are now stairs in the Metro Rail system

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I think of that everyday as I walk down the broken escalator at Union Station

[–]Sorkijan 3 points4 points ago

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Escalator temporarily out of service. Sorry for the convenience.

[–]CapnCrunchHarkness 1 point2 points ago

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Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. You can still get up there.

[–]token_female 2 points3 points ago

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Joke made repeatedly in rage comics + picture of Mitch Hedberg = karma.

[–]millennia20 2 points3 points ago

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He still put it in a new context. And thats what counts.

[–]Burnafterposting 5 points6 points ago

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OP makes a good kill, and the people posting smell karma and commence the feeding frenzy. It's like watching a nature doco.

[–]NothingInsightful 1 point2 points ago

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I'm pretty sure Mr. Hedberg didn't actually say that.

[–]dx30 2 points3 points ago*

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could someone link me to the original joke rather than this unfunny bastardization of it?

[–]Cup_O_Bacon 17 points18 points ago

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"Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

[–]ZombieOverlord 8 points9 points ago

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"See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny"

-RIP Mitch Hedburg

[–]FSucka 0 points1 point ago

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Forever missed

[–]Ga-Stoned_Again 0 points1 point ago

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we miss you mitch.

[–]tacotaskforce 0 points1 point ago

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Alternatively, if the title of a self post interests me, I click the Aa+. If it doesn't load in five seconds, I decide the title wasn't that interesting after all.

[–]snarkymalarkey 0 points1 point ago

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well played.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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The hell, Mitch Hedberg was a redditor?

[–]brainflakes 0 points1 point ago

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You could always pick a more memorable password

[–]puffynipples_r_swell 0 points1 point ago

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OR... an error occurred while posting (status: 502)

FUCK!

[–]squid42 0 points1 point ago

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RIP =(

[–]AEternal 0 points1 point ago

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I logged in just to upvote this. ]

[–]suddenlyreddit 0 points1 point ago

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RIP, Mitch.

[–]PyroX7 0 points1 point ago

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Man, I love club sandwiches. I don't know how I get away with it, I'm not even a member!

[–]downvoted_u_heres_Y 0 points1 point ago

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When I'm not logged in but I want to upvote, I think to myself "will logging in to upvote get me laid?"

[–]madmanmunt 0 points1 point ago

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My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever...

[–]deafpitbull 0 points1 point ago

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escalator temporarily stairs sorry for the convenience

[–]AnonSatanCos 0 points1 point ago

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I hear this in his voice when i read it.

[–]maxreynolds420 0 points1 point ago

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I would have upvoted this, but I wasn't logged in.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Oh Mitch. We hardly knew ye.

[–]NeverInformed 0 points1 point ago

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i feel like im re-encountering all the mitch standups.. im cracking up reading all of these

[–]bogus_idea 0 points1 point ago

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If I got an upvote, I would place it in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate the environment it is used to.

[–]cars16 0 points1 point ago

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haha, good stuff

[–]mikemcd 0 points1 point ago

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RIP Mitch. Dude was crazy funny.

[–]yoceD 0 points1 point ago

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I used to upvote funny things, I still do but I used to too.

[–]Nyquillvr 0 points1 point ago

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A dog is forever in the push up position

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Have you ever seen a UFO? I have. I was abducted once, and was subjected to an intense physical exam. I'd like to know if others have had similar experiences, and are willing to discuss it openly.

[–]jgfoto 0 points1 point ago

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I hate when i see something worth an upboat on the front page but when i log in, it gets buried and i end up losing it.

[–]chronosphere 0 points1 point ago

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I play sports- no I don't, what the fuck? That was a major faux pas...

[–]Cybernetic 0 points1 point ago

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I've never seen his standup, but reading these posts it seems his style is similar to Steven Wright's, not his delivery, but the type of humor. I'll definitely check him out on YouTube, what I've read here sounds hilarious.

[–]DaChaos 0 points1 point ago

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NICE

[–]festtt 0 points1 point ago

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I love you. I have to go through so much internal turmoil when I can't upvote and Mitch is just cherry on the cake.

[–]shankytay 0 points1 point ago

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Bless you for this. He was truly one of the greats.

[–]snaark 0 points1 point ago

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I used to do drugs, I still do, but i used to, too

alright

[–]okreally 0 points1 point ago

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I logged in, just so I could upvote this.

[–]KindaOffTopic 0 points1 point ago

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How can you not be logged in once you get an account. Does reddit have a logout button?