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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]pleatedjeans 942 points943 points ago

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in my experience, I've found that having a wallet photo of a falcon is a nice added touch of authenticity.

[–]Pravusmentis 485 points486 points ago

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Here we are together at the grand canyon; he really loved to fly in those canyons

[–]TegaNaft 301 points302 points ago*

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Oh, here's us at the Mall in DC. What was that, 97? 98?

[–]internetsuperstar 177 points178 points ago

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Remember that time we were in an eating competition and you blinded the elderly man judging the contest after he said "no birds allowed" ?

[–]drippysoap 72 points73 points ago

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Yes, those were most certainly good times.

[–]cluster-fuzz 31 points32 points ago

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Truly our salad days.

[–]guisar 5 points6 points ago

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Thank you for increasing my vocabulary.

[–]Moogel 76 points77 points ago

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Here's us in Russia fighting communists.

[–]shawndw 29 points30 points ago

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Here's us in U.S. fighting capitalists.

[–]thedoge 21 points22 points ago

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The Falconer has no loyalties except to the sky

[–]mstupid3000 7 points8 points ago

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Duh it was '97... he just turned three

[–]Scottify 254 points255 points ago

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Do you know where I could see a video showing how I may place a photo in my new wallet?

[–]DoctorMiracles 133 points134 points ago

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Too soon.

[–]Taer 38 points39 points ago

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This is Reddit. It's never too soon.

[–]Lurking_Weasel 73 points74 points ago

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Nope, but I got this

[–]orange_jooze 32 points33 points ago

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Awwwwww

[–]RuDreading 10 points11 points ago

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Nope. No such video.

[–][deleted] 154 points155 points ago

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I tried...it didn't work

I used this: http://kaszpir.hlds.pl/4chan/wtf.man.jpg

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points ago

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WTF MAN?

What does WTF stand for? Where's The Falcon?

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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Where's the...

FALCON MAN!!!

[–]Aihwa 46 points47 points ago

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What if you find a different falcon?

[–]anonymous-coward 117 points118 points ago

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Keep a baby photo.

[–]UnnamedPlayer 31 points32 points ago

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What if the baby's parents complain to the police?

[–]Damaband41 18 points19 points ago

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Say "No it's ok, this is her food source"

[–]captainAwesomePants 50 points51 points ago

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Exclaim, "Julio! I told you, we're through. What have you done with George?!"

[–]trdn89 35 points36 points ago

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Or if you're feeling forward, perhaps a few carefully-selected shots from eroticfalconry.com

[–]darthnuri 82 points83 points ago

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[–]a_sentient_cicada 117 points118 points ago

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You win the weekly Link Clicked With Most Trepidation award.

[–]monkeyfett8 25 points26 points ago

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Why does an Erotic Falconry Section even exist?

also relevant should this succeed and you find a falcon. Aww yeahh.

[–]SemifunctionalDrunk 5 points6 points ago

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My favorite pic is the ultra-artistic one where only the shadow of the falcon is visible.

Wait, umm... I mean, what the hell are you talking about... such a site can't really exist!?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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That was disappointing. I was hoping for more eroticism.

[–]Makido 24 points25 points ago

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Having a few dead mice in your pocket also helps. Or live ones, whatevs

[–]legodt 46 points47 points ago

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Thanks for the tip, Mr. Steinbeck.

[–]Generation_Why 11 points12 points ago

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Lennie! I told you not to do that!

[–]ManOfPopsicle 6 points7 points ago

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I have a friend who has a picture of him actually holding a falcon. This is too perfect for him not to try.

[–]TheCloned 218 points219 points ago

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As someone who has worked with falcons, I can tell you they are horrible wingmen.

"Oh can I pet your falcon, he's so cute!"

"Not really, they don't like to be touched."

*Falcon then projectile shits.

[–]renegade_9 122 points123 points ago

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horrible wingmen

I see what you did thar.

[–]pokie6 15 points16 points ago

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How did you get to work with falcons?

[–]TheCloned 21 points22 points ago

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I work with animals (though not right now). I spent a summer working for an educational birds of prey program at the local arboretum.

[–]ogto 6 points7 points ago

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please do an AMA

[–]paralacausa 4 points5 points ago

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You should do a post on this. I think a lot of people on Reddit would be interested in asking you some questions

[–]TheCloned 7 points8 points ago

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Really? I'll try to do one today.

[–]paralacausa 1 point2 points ago

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I would definitely be interested around the birds of prey questions and I bet a lot of other people would be interested in how you train them, how responsive they are, why don't they just fly off, whether an 'average' person could realistically do it. Falconing is actually illegal where I live (in Australia) unless you're a zoo or doing it for other special purposes, so I'm particularly keen to hear more

[–]TheCloned 5 points6 points ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]capnthermostat 229 points230 points ago

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Two falcons with one stone, so to speak

[–]Jorgeragula05 149 points150 points ago

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A falcon in the hand is worth two in the bush

[–]go_go_bannananas 38 points39 points ago

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Fact is stranger than falcon.

[–][deleted] 95 points96 points ago

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You can fit two falcons in her bush?

[–]Specnerd 87 points88 points ago

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The girl of my dreams could.

[–]leaveandletlive 24 points25 points ago

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The girl in my dream does.

[–]Man_In_The_Middle 5 points6 points ago

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Dream is collapsing.

[–]2percentright 15 points16 points ago

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[–]Damaband41 17 points18 points ago

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The early falcon gets the falcon.

[–]StupidDogCoffee 217 points218 points ago

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I'm happily married, but I might just start doing this if there's a chance I could get a free falcon!

[–]reallyangrydinosaur 195 points196 points ago

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You could role play with your wife. She was a gullible woman, wondering through the grass plot outside of wal-mart, he was a lowly redditor, searching for love, and possibly a new falcon.

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points ago

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Hot.

[–]Damaband41 25 points26 points ago

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I'll do anything for a free falcon.

[–]Kristler 66 points67 points ago

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You wouldn't download a falcon!

[–]thekiwifish 20 points21 points ago

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But on meth you would

[–]wingzeromkii 14 points15 points ago

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Would you pay for one?

[–]Maarek 3 points4 points ago

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I would so anything for a falcon, but I won't do that.

[–]TheChickenLover 1227 points1228 points ago

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Pro Tip: This will only work if you are outdoors.

[–]darkflighter100 504 points505 points ago

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If she turns you down, give her a falcooooooon PUUUUUUUUNCH!

[–]gbeebe 157 points158 points ago

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Make sure you time it right. That's a pretty hard move to land.

[–]thrik 53 points54 points ago

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not nearly as bad as ganondorf's punch

[–]darkflighter100 34 points35 points ago

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EDIT: warlock punch.

[–]legodt 34 points35 points ago

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Not if you Wombo Combo it.

[–]AncientThong 4 points5 points ago

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That ain't Falco!

[–]Sinkemlow 39 points40 points ago

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[–]BroolStoryCo 22 points23 points ago

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This is actually the proper way to perform an abortion.

[–]Rainfly_X 2 points3 points ago

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I don't know about "proper," but it'll certainly git 'er done.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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A punch to the cunt! Thats straight game ovary.

[–]3rdOctJaded 309 points310 points ago

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I thought this was pretty funny, but then I realized that the humor of this only gets exacerbated by the fact that most Redditors probably don't get outdoors much. Have an up arrow.

[–]Pravusmentis 124 points125 points ago

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It's a beautiful day outside, one of the first for many days past. spends all daylight hours inside on computer

[–]tomrhod 345 points346 points ago*

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[–]Chris-T 125 points126 points ago

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How does the sun know my name?

[–]waldron76 111 points112 points ago

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Well, it does spend half the day watching you.

[–]PepEye 57 points58 points ago

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Not if you are a redditor apparently.

[–]waldron76 101 points102 points ago

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That's a great excuse:

"Why do you never go outside?"

"The sun's stalking me."

"..."

[–]RielDealJr 12 points13 points ago

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I may have to use this now.

[–]waldron76 22 points23 points ago

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I think you'll find the fee quite reasonable.

[–]spherecow 18 points19 points ago

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that's amazing, "taka" means falcon in Japanese.

[–]tian2992 5 points6 points ago

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[–]BurningBright 45 points46 points ago

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I actually had to shut my curtains to reduce the glare on my monitor. Sunny days suck.

[–]Pravusmentis 36 points37 points ago

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Every morning I get monitor glare, stupid windows; I wish I had a cave

[–]raznog 52 points53 points ago

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Yeah I know windows sucks. Linux all the way.

[–]bettse 11 points12 points ago

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[–]shadow1515 11 points12 points ago

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Outwhat?

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points ago

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THANKS FOR THE CLARIFICATION, FRIEND!

[–]PleaseNotTheTruth 2 points3 points ago

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Hey, I'm not your friend, pal.

[–]morleydresden 1 point2 points ago

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[–]FuelUrMind 75 points76 points ago

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In other news, falcon glove sales have skyrocketed.

[–]Zomoco 513 points514 points ago

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4chan advice that doesn't end in rape. I am impressed.

[–]zoinks_raggy 523 points524 points ago

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Its implied

[–]confoundedvariable 133 points134 points ago

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[–]TheGateIsDown 14 points15 points ago

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I just read the best comment I have ever seen on youtube:

We should go out into the ocean where its romantic and you can make big decisions based on fear.

Thank you for that.

[–]BRsteve 3 points4 points ago

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Actually, that's a direct quote from the episode. The delivery actually makes it even better.

[–]dominic-cobb 495 points496 points ago

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plan /b/

[–]Damaband41 40 points41 points ago

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the only plan that 4channers ever have

[–]deadbabby 44 points45 points ago

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She's not gonna say no. She would never say no. Because of the implication.

[–]osabr22000 15 points16 points ago

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No such thing, all 4chan advice ends in rape. The submitter merely removed the ending.

[–]1wiseguy 61 points62 points ago

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This reminds me a a trick from Ted Bundy. He would put his arm in a fake cast, and then approach a girl at a state park by a lake, and ask her to come help him connect his boat trailer. Then they would go to his van, and he would club her over the head and stuff her in the back.

More violent than the falcon glove trick, I suppose, but just as good for starting a relationship.

[–]waaaghbosss 22 points23 points ago

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Somehow I had Al Bundy in my head. Sounded like a funny episode until the clubbing part.

[–]makesureimjewish 202 points203 points ago

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Use falcon to get a date with girl:
FALCON L U N C H!!

[–]Darchitect 55 points56 points ago

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Falcon: Hey I think she likes you.

Me: Oh yeah? Why's that?

Falcon: FALCON H U N C H!!

[–]brycedriesenga 47 points48 points ago

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Use falcon to get a date with a girl in the early afternoon:

FALCON B R U N C H!!

[–]CherryVimto 30 points31 points ago

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In what universe is a fusion of Breakfast and Lunch held in early afternoon?!

[–]s1r_art0r1us 4 points5 points ago

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My universe-that's when my suitemates and I get brunch every single weekend.

[–]Lampmonster1 235 points236 points ago

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It's brilliant. They even account for what to do if a random falcon lands on your hand.

[–]RP-on-AF1 136 points137 points ago

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All possible contingencies have been accounted for.

[–]meltedlaundry 31 points32 points ago

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What if a pterodactyl lands on your hand?

[–]isarl 61 points62 points ago

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If you have to ask, then /b/ cannot help you.

[–]CalvinLawson 16 points17 points ago

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Put your shoe on it.

[–]KareasOxide 40 points41 points ago

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Problem: what if the girl is a falconer herself and starts asking falcon related questions?

[–]acmecorps 55 points56 points ago

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Say you're just learning to become a falconer. Bond with the girl by asking a lot of falcon related questions. Instant date.

[–]flyguy2005 23 points24 points ago

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This would be totally believable, seeing how you did lose the falcon. Not losing the falcon is probably an important part of falconing.

[–]pfohl 7 points8 points ago

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You have to take a test and while you're an apprentice you need to go out with a Master Class falconer.

My best friend in high school had a red-tailed hawk and I would go hunting with him a lot.

[–]appointment_at_1_am 13 points14 points ago

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Well if you weren't new you wouldn't have lost your falcone...

[–]Topher28 305 points306 points ago

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Nice try, falconer's glove salesperson.

[–]CloneCmdrCody 41 points42 points ago

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Ah, shit! I fell for it!

[–]catlet 11 points12 points ago

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I'd start a company just to have this salesperson as my employee.

[–]setthecontrols92 263 points264 points ago

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I wasn't expecting this to be good advice, but it was.

[–]ofcoursemyhorse 86 points87 points ago

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upon first seeing the falcon glove and knowing its from 4chan I expected some dirty sadistic ending, but hey, 4chan prevails!

[–]Pravusmentis 13 points14 points ago

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I just saw that it was a glove on a story about meeting girls and figured it was instructions get your own glove or something

[–]propagationofsound 21 points22 points ago

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I was disappointed when it didn't mention falcon punches anywhere.

[–]JonnyTrump 29 points30 points ago

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That's in the "How to cope with unwanted pregnancy" advice section.

[–]Peatore 9 points10 points ago

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[–]pseudolobster 6 points7 points ago

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As always, 4chan is a shining bastion of polite and helpful advice on the internet. Good show, all around!

Reddit could learn a thing or two from these guys! I'll bet any day you'll start to see signs of 4chan's cultural influence on reddit.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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Except for when she asks you about your falconry hobby.

[–]catlet 16 points17 points ago

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Solution: acquire falconry hobby

[–]elijha 114 points115 points ago

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TIL Barney Stinson is on 4chan.

[–]Peatore 23 points24 points ago

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No, someone just got a hold of the play-book.

[–]YeahWhyNot 14 points15 points ago

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No way. The play-book would never encourage marriage.

[–]Wanderlustfull 3 points4 points ago

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[–]Specnerd 15 points16 points ago

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"The Lost Falcon"

It's in the playbook.

[–]yo_saff_bridge 24 points25 points ago

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Once, a woman came into our vet clinic with a "stray" falcon. She'd been walking on a suburban street, and a falcon landed on her shoulder. Instead of googling the local falconer (falconing?) society, she brought the bird to us (maybe she had errands to run). We made the bird comfortable, and tracked down the falconer. I do not know if he got a date out of it, but he was very happy to have his bird back. (Falcon had somehow slipped his jesses and tracking device, but I guess he got scared or hungry or tired and decided to land on a random human who happened to be wearing leather gloves.)

[–]angrybread 21 points22 points ago

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Or actually learn how to and then train a falcon. You'll be getting so many girls you'll be threatening them with falcon injuries to stay away.

[–]OseOseOse 56 points57 points ago

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Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but this isn't 4chan's work*.

Dallas Clayton wrote it on his blog a while ago. I remember this because I was the one who posted his article to reddit.

*Unless Dallas Clayton happens to be a /b/tard or something.

[–]PrinnieDood 37 points38 points ago

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An absurd idea that is surprisingly hard to poke holes in. Would probably work if you had the balls to try it. I mean who in their right mind would fake that.

[–]edman007 19 points20 points ago

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Other than the whole "what happens when she finds out you lied" issue that is going to popup?

[–]flamyngo 41 points42 points ago

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Okay, admittedly-- if you play this half ass, then she will find out you lied, but what if, instead you went for it?

First, you meet the girl of your dreams. She's super hot, and even willing to help you find your lost falcon. When you're heart broken, you take the bonus consoling, but end the date with a hug. Sure, you could score some sweet ass... but this is the girl of your dreams here, bub. These things take time. You end it with a tear filled hug and perhaps a kiss on the cheek, but because you're a suave falconer, you scored her digits and now it's time to move on to the next part of the plan.

Three to five days later, you still haven't seen your falcon, so you have no choice but to call her, because she's the only one who understood your pain. Here's where you have the chance to figure out if she's the one. Sure, you're broken up about the falcon, but it's time to find out more about her. A phone call and an email or two later you're ready to be around people again, and she's the one you want to be with when you do it.

She finds this incredibly hot, and her mothering instincts kick in a bit--so now you get to find out if she'll be a shit mom or not. You meet her at a restaurant-- sitting out on the patio, so you can stare longingly at at tree or two-- reminiscing about 'ol Flaconey, but not so much that you seem needy, you're over that business and ready to move on to your next thing. (Cheesy grin here so she knows you're embarrassed to have admitted that so soon.)

When the date is over, it ends in a kiss, you're in mourning-- don't try to touch her boob.

And the third date? That's when you invite her over for homemade spaghetti. (Get the kind in a jar, no one can really tell the difference.) She'll ask where your falcon stuff is, and you'll tell her you gave it all away on Craig's list because it was just too much to bare.

She'll hug you, this time... you're home free-- go for the boob.

TL;DR: It won't work unless you totally go for it.

[–]nmvzco 18 points19 points ago

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Get the kind in a jar, no one can really tell the difference.

I think this pretty much sums up how easy you think it is to fool people.

[–]SpiderHands 3 points4 points ago

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It's all about the attitude.

[–]travio 13 points14 points ago

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This happens in every romantic comedy that starts with deception. Love will see you through.

[–]atomicmedic 18 points19 points ago

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we need a reddits guide. Bonus if you make it include never leaving my house

[–]quantum-mechanic 43 points44 points ago

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  1. Buy falconer's glove.
  2. Order delivery flowers
  3. If delivery person is female, say you lost your falcon (etc.) Also, you can say you just bought her some flowers.
  4. If delivery person is male, go back to 2.

[–]PandaBearShenyu 33 points34 points ago

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  1. Buy falconer's glove.

  2. Buy a falcon.

  3. Now you have a falcon!

[–]sumo_intellectual 5 points6 points ago

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But you have no dream girl and your falcon wasn't free!

[–]PandaBearShenyu 9 points10 points ago

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*buy a female falcon

[–]sacramentalist 50 points51 points ago

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Me: "How was the visit to the park?"

She: "Kinda weird. It was full of falconers. There were like 25 nerds wandering around with these gloves on. But I didn't see a single falcon"

Me: "Tee hee"

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points ago

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Screw the women. I want my free falcon!

[–]Volsunga 81 points82 points ago

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the point of the falcon is to screw the women.

[–]mattmentecky 14 points15 points ago

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Cutting to the chase: approaching women and more so, having something interesting to say, will eventually, lead to success with women.

[–]thedeathmachine 11 points12 points ago

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nah, that only works if there is a falcon in the equation.

approach women + interesting conversation =/= success with women

however, if we add aforementioned falcon:

approach women + interesting conversation + falcon = success with women.

you cannot argue mathematics.

[–]szand0r 24 points25 points ago

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brb buying falconry glove

[–]el-rodeo 10 points11 points ago

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Someone once tried this with an (imaginary) eagle on my (at the time) girlfriend. She then became friends with him, later cheated on me with another person and eventually left me for a 3rd dude. I naturally blame the eagle for everything and have since developed an awkward relationship to birds. I am writing from an abandonned cliff-side nest clad in glue & feathers faintly cawing at a passing flock of seagulls as i feed pre-chewed worms to some empty eggshells i found, AMA.

[–]Psico1 30 points31 points ago

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4 Chan. Proving the infinite monkey theorem regularly.

[–]mercurygirl 53 points54 points ago

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Girl here - this would possibly work.

But it would be even better if you "lost" a cute puppy like a German Sheppard or Labrador/golden retriever, well then I would be finding ways to spend more time with the puppy you.

[–]koalaberries 201 points202 points ago

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I don't know, you would look pretty damn irresponsible if you manage to lose a puppy.

Also, why would you have a falconer's glove on? Your post doesn't even make sense.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]waldron76 46 points47 points ago

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You'd probably just find a well-fed falcon.

[–]CloneCmdrCody 9 points10 points ago

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Can a falcon still fly with a puppy in it's stomach?

[–]waldron76 11 points12 points ago

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Get me a puppy and a falcon, FOR SCIENCE!

[–]rebel 3 points4 points ago

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If they can fly off with it in it's talons, if it would fit, there would be no problem if it were in it's stomach.

Some birds of prey are quite large.

Small dogs are taken from Central Park every year.

Interesting anecdote, at my mothers place in rural PA, a falcon grabbed one of her cats in the yard by it's head and started to get aloft with it. Her Chihuahua, Ickabod, attacked and the falcon dropped the cat. Apparently it was epic. The cat was really fucked up, but lived. They slept together after. He even helped whelped her kittens when she would let no one anywhere near.

[–]mercurygirl 6 points7 points ago

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if you "sell" it like that i would certainly help you find and rescue that puppy

[–]dishie 78 points79 points ago

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Another girl here. Approach me holding a glittery bridle and ask me to help you find your lost unicorn, and you're fucking in.

[–]klokkan 36 points37 points ago

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and you're fucking in.

Intriguing. Please continue.

[–]dishie 26 points27 points ago

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I put on my robe and wizard hat...

[–]General_Mayhem 33 points34 points ago

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Problem is, one would think you'd be much more likely to actually find the dog had you lost one. The point of the falcon thing is that falcons are extremely hard to find/catch up to. A Lab? Not so much.

Also, "come help me find my puppy" has been appropriated by the pedophile community.

[–]mercurygirl 6 points7 points ago

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You have brought up many good and well thought out points. Obviously I will never master the art of chatting up "woman" as well as the typical redditor.

If you want something that cant be found how about a unicorn, or a dolphin?

PS: It does sound like these pedophiles have ruined the "come help me find my puppy" line. In my days they would just offer candy.

[–]waldron76 8 points9 points ago

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Well, that's the first time I've ever seen nostalgia about pedophiles.

[–]MisterSister 18 points19 points ago

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Losing a puppy connotes a lack of responsibility.

Your falcon flying away from you just means that you're a man.

[–]purple_bottle 7 points8 points ago

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Agreed, a falcon just adds so much more mystique to your persona. I would say that one should add a sense of confidence in their falcon's abilities to come back in the future.

Her: Aren't you worried that you'll never see your falcon again?

You: Oh, I have a feeling he'll return to me one day. It's up to the falcon to decide when I'm ready...

[–]bentley 9 points10 points ago

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Liz Lemon tried this and she landed Don Draper. Proof positive.

[–]dafones 7 points8 points ago

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Even if you don't get a falcon out of the deal, that's still a badass glove.

[–]itsthatFLO 14 points15 points ago

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GO MORDECAI!

[–]w2tpmf 26 points27 points ago

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Sadly, 4chan seems to be more full of wisdom than Reddit of late.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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4chan has always been better than Reddit. Reddit's finest hour is usually a repost from 4chan anyway.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]bkoatz 12 points13 points ago

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But what if the girl of your dreams is a falcon??

[–]Thorium90 5 points6 points ago

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As in "Ladyhawke"? (OK, she was a hawk. Close enough.)

[–]RightOnWhaleShark 59 points60 points ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]iFartSunshine 13 points14 points ago

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*disclaimer: This will not work if you are fat and/or unattractive

[–]thedeathmachine 4 points5 points ago

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but what if you are looking for... BOTH of your falcons?

[–]whizzard 4 points5 points ago

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This sounds like a variation of "Hey little girl, can you help me find my puppy?"

[–]nanikun 6 points7 points ago

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When I get my falconer's permit, I'm going to teach my bird to "hide" so I can find him. And then I will use this trick to get ALL THE GIRLS.

[–]S1NG1NGR3TARD5 3 points4 points ago

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Getting girls to console you for anything will usually work ;)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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This sounds like a Ted Bundy trick.

[–]osabr22000 11 points12 points ago

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Wow. 4chan has sure grown up from the days when chloroform and rape were the accepted means of procreation.

[–]bkoatz 21 points22 points ago

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Since when are those days over?

[–]brainlessnick 1 point2 points ago

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4chan is the living proof that the infinite monkey theorem not only applies to poetry but also relationship advice and porn.

[–]Jayx 3 points4 points ago

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  • guide to meeting girl of your dreams

  • 4chan

something here just doesn't add up

[–]zafu[!] 3 points4 points ago

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It would work on me, but now I'm on to you!

[–]infrikinfix 3 points4 points ago

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Try to impress a girl by making it appear you've failed at a responsibility you've taken on. That should work.

[–]Windle_Poons 15 points16 points ago

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You would have to invent a falcon call. That way if you don't get a date, or free falcon, you would at least have caused some stranger to run around yelling nonsense.

[–]vox35 11 points12 points ago

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Hilarious, but also kinda creepy because it is the adult (hopefully) version of the "help me find my lost kitten" ploy used on kids by scary pedos.

[–]Haximus 7 points8 points ago

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Nice try falcon glove manufacturers.

[–]PessimistPrime 6 points7 points ago

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Real 4chan's guide to meeting the girl of your dreams:

Right click -> Save as -> girl_of_my_dreams.jpg (In your forever_alone/fap folder ofcourse)