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top 200 commentsshow all 311

[–]sciencetobedone 239 points240 points ago

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"The Fermata" by Nicholson Baker is all about this very premise. The main character, Arno Strine, discovers that he has the ability to stop time and he uses this ability to create increasingly elaborate perving/voyeuristic scenarios for himself. For example, on one occasion he spots a gorgeous girl sunbathing on the beach. She's lazily digging her fingers into the sand. He stops time and goes home where he spends hours writing a filthy sex story which he then seals in a polythene sleeve, before returning to the beach and burying the story just under the girl's fingers where she was digging. He then sits a safe distance away and restarts time, watching her while she finds and reads the story, getting turned on by the knowledge that she is also getting turned on by his story. I thoroughly recommend it, it's the filthiest story I've ever read whilst also being hilarious.

[–]lasergumball 57 points58 points ago

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Wait wait, so what happened? Did she get turned on and nail him?? I MUST KNOW

[–]sciencetobedone 191 points192 points ago

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He follows her home and hides in her laundry basket watching her masturbate in the bath. Then at the moment of her orgasm he freezes time, gets out and masturbates onto her face. He then hides again and unfreezes time for a second - just long enough for her to feel his jizz on her face, then freezes time again, washes her face off and makes his escape. Just one of his many adventures!

[–]Godtiermasturbator 114 points115 points ago

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I must read this.

[–]PropMonkey 43 points44 points ago

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But even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything.

[–]ShitAssPetPenetrator 43 points44 points ago

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That's deep, bro.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ShitAssPetPenetrator 4 points5 points ago

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This time freezing story makes me wonder how many pets I could fuck without their owner's consent. Sigh.

[–]proud_to_be_a_merkin 7 points8 points ago

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I guess banging someone's pet with their owner's consent just doesn't do it for you anymore?

[–]Fenris_uy 16 points17 points ago

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The early stages of I_RAPE_CATS

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Magoran 6 points7 points ago*

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freezes time again, washes her face off

...what?

[–]Fenris_uy 6 points7 points ago

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she gets to feel the cum on her face, but then he removes it so she thinks it was all part of her orgasm

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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Who writes this shit?! It's amazing!

[–]xtirpation 38 points39 points ago

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Nicholson Baker, apparently.

[–]ryanr345 1 point2 points ago

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We read him in my high school English class. His work "Box of Matches" is quite incredible.

[–]chill3willy 0 points1 point ago

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this one is better than the first one. lol

[–]SangamonTaylor 0 points1 point ago

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Anyone else think it's weird that he dedicates that to his father?

[–]Scottify 10 points11 points ago

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Everything went okay.

[–]OleSlappy 31 points32 points ago

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There is no tl;dr for books.

[–]BrotherSeamus 41 points42 points ago

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CliffsNotes?

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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Someone should start a competitor called TL;DR.

[–]Protuhj 12 points13 points ago

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brb

[–]caprincrash 2 points3 points ago

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I always thought that was what the movie adaptation was for?

[–]phormality 0 points1 point ago

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I think this needs to be made into a movie.

Edit...

I guess it is in the works http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/gc4ay/if_you_could_stop_time/c1mhokr

[–]datn 3 points4 points ago

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If only it were so, English teachers would be much, much happier. However, then we wouldn't be able to determine whether a book was worth reading by virtue of its synopsis!

[–]KingGorilla 2 points3 points ago

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But you don't have to take my word for it

-LeVar Burton

[–]jjremy 0 points1 point ago

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/Gill Hicks

[–]HolyTryst 25 points26 points ago

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According to the Wiki page, Neil Gaiman and Robert Zemeckis are working on a screenplay. Awesome.

[–]mindbleach 7 points8 points ago

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Somehow I feel it will be R-rated at worst and thus deeply disappointing.

[–]MaskedKoala 2 points3 points ago

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Not looking good. The latest info I could find on it was this bit from 2007. http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2007/08/16/gaiman-hopes-to-stop-time-with-zemeckis-in-fermata/

[–]Khalexus 13 points14 points ago

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...This sounds amazingly perverted. I wonder if I can find an ebook of it somewhere (I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable buying it from a store <.<)

[–]dosFool 47 points48 points ago

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[–]dharlem39 3 points4 points ago

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i find it disturbing that the book is "For [his] Father"

[–]dosFool 8 points9 points ago

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I thought that too at first, but than it kinda made sense. What would be really creepy is if it was for his mother.

[–]Khalexus 8 points9 points ago

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Aaaaand saved!

[–]dosFool 6 points7 points ago

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let me know if it's the right one, I found a couple decoys in my search.

[–]Khalexus 7 points8 points ago

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Skimmed through it, checked through chapters to make sure there weren't any fake pages, checked to see if the story actually finished, looks legit to me. Good find!

[–]dosFool 2 points3 points ago

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Awesome - thanks for the check. No problem, just took a couple google searches. Glad to be of service. Anyways, I want to read it too.

[–]mtheoryx 3 points4 points ago

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Looks legit to me.

[–]m741 1 point2 points ago

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It's the right one.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]dosFool 0 points1 point ago

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Sweet thanks!

[–]AbadH 2 points3 points ago

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I'm getting an "Object not Found" when I click on the link.

[–]NoxMortalitus 20 points21 points ago

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[–]AbadH 4 points5 points ago

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It works! Thanks a lot man. I really appreciate it. This is really going to help me pass the down time.

[–]hookedupphat 0 points1 point ago

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The part about the girl finding the story he wrote in the sand is on page 142.

[–]psykiv 0 points1 point ago

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I love how the story doesn't actually start until page 15

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Thank you! I was just about to start searching after I was done looking at the comments.

[–]psykiv 0 points1 point ago

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Just read a little over half of it. Wow!

[–]CabbageHands 1 point2 points ago

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Amazon is your friend.

[–]shitfaceddick 7 points8 points ago

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Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought...

[–]Poes_Law_in_Action 2 points3 points ago

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I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide by Dorian Solot

[–]brianberns 5 points6 points ago

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Came here to mention this book. I love Nicholson Baker. "The Mezzanine" is amazing.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Came here

[–]CuntSmellersLLP 9 points10 points ago

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So is Massive Attack's Mezzanine. Their best album, by far.

This coincidence has convinced me to name my penis Mezzanine, so that it will also be amazing.

[9}

[–]Khalexus 1 point2 points ago

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My penis is named Excalibur.

[–]pdclkdc 2 points3 points ago

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Do you stick in stone and then strain to pull out?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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When he whips out his penis in a lake, a hand comes out of the water and grabs it.

[–]HitTheGymAndLawyerUp 3 points4 points ago

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No, but it is handled by beautiful women in ponds.

[–]Relevant_Comment 0 points1 point ago

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As mentioned by the other two commenters, there were actually two swords in Arthurs' legends. One was the Sword in the Stone, and the other one was the Sword given by the Lady of the Lake.

Excalibur was the second one, and on it, was written "Use Me" on one side, and "Throw me" on the other.

looks at "Throw me" ಠ_ಠ

Khalexus, you don't want your Excalibur to be thrown, do you?

[–]Khalexus 2 points3 points ago

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See, "Throw Me" is a literal, yet erroneous translation of the original writings. The correct translation is actually "toss me"

[–]Boon_Retsam[!] 1 point2 points ago

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I've heard the first one was called Caliburn, but that may have been in some of the earlier stories where the distinction between the two swords isn't very clear.

Also, the scabbard for Excalibur was even more important than the sword--it made it so the bearer wouldn't bleed (or die of blood loss).

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Excalibur is definitely uncut.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I love that book. The part about putting deodorant on via the button gaps on his shirt, a la Napoleon, cracked my shit up for a good while.

[–]Sevryn08 2 points3 points ago

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I need to read this... for obvious reasons...

[–]GazUtd 1 point2 points ago

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For science!

[–]HelloThereGoodSir 1 point2 points ago

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I just started reading it now (on Pg 35). I hate books but i find this to be hilarious, deep, and very well written. My only gripe is that when he experiences his first drop in he acts like it's no big deal. Other than that so far so good, thank you for the recommendation.

[–]Earthy_Artificer 0 points1 point ago

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Congrats on somehow managing to say 'I hate books' on reddit and not get downvoted into oblivion.

[–]WiseBinky79 0 points1 point ago

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Is this where I point out I have difficulty reading a book by him because I think it was based on a 3-hour conversation he and I had? Not Fermata... Thanks for the set up.

[–]thebrucewayne 0 points1 point ago

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ahahaa I read this back when it came out and I still do Arno's clitoral stimulation mime at bars when I'm talking to hotties. They never catch it, or get it ... but I do.

[–]thejoyoflex 0 points1 point ago

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I read that comment at 0420am... I bought the book from amazon at 0423am. Thank you sir

[–]Geekazoid94 0 points1 point ago

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Nice try, Nicholson Baker.

[–]roland_cube 0 points1 point ago

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That sound's a lot like the plot to Good Will Hunting

[–]hookedupphat 0 points1 point ago

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http://www.99chan.in/lit/src/NicholsonBaker-The_Fermata(1994).pdf.pdf (page 142)

Credit to dosFool for finding the pdf.

[–]RidinCoogi 0 points1 point ago

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[–]zombiegeezus 0 points1 point ago

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must...read...

[–]silent_p 0 points1 point ago

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Heh. The dedication at the beginning of "The Fermata".

For My Father

He must be so proud.

[–]CitrusFreak12 0 points1 point ago

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I finally got around to picking it up from the library today and I'm enjoying it so far. Thanks!

[–]ijustwanttobefamous 195 points196 points ago

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it's times like this that I really miss Sure_I'll_Draw_That

[–]Sure_Ill_Draw_That 650 points651 points ago

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[–]shitfaceddick 279 points280 points ago

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We want to see the other thing.

[–]socrates200X 16 points17 points ago

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Wouldn't that just be a blank white screen?

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points ago

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My thought exactly.

[–]Pravusmentis 8 points9 points ago

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You don't understand.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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What?

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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Exactly.

[–]Ancaeus 27 points28 points ago

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I love you

[–]Weakgrip 9 points10 points ago

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You miss your sunglasses?

[–]Urschleim_in_Silicon 9 points10 points ago

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No, the person on the ground is missing Sure_I'll_Draw_That and looking up to the sky where in the constellation Sure_I'll_Draw_That lingers, ever vigilant, looking down from afar. (with sunglasses)

[–]VonAether 6 points7 points ago

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YOU MUST AVENGE MY DEATH, SIMBA.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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That one was elaborate.

[–]Trolls-N-Stuff 12 points13 points ago

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Have you been hiding in the shadows all this time!?

[–]Sure_Ill_Rape_Cats 11 points12 points ago

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I will avenge you father.

[–]whatevers_clever 7 points8 points ago

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There's... soo... much... white... stuff.. oh my god

[–]vintageghost 2 points3 points ago

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Dude, new phone wallpaper.

Thanks.

[–]Ineedbraains 3 points4 points ago

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:(

[–]Orbixx 6 points7 points ago

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How long did that take?

[–]Jyggalag 15 points16 points ago

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  133 points 9 hours ago
- 420 points 6 hours ago
_________________________
  -287 points 3 hours ago

My Reddit forensics lead me to believe that the image was created within 3 hours or less.

[–]Moeri 4 points5 points ago

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Wait why did you subtract the points as well?

[–]knight666 4 points5 points ago

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That was the fine deducted from his account for asking silly questions.

[–]pimpmasterspaceman 0 points1 point ago

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So... he gets 287 points?

[–]CreepyCoyote 1 point2 points ago

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You've inspired me to smash my creativity block and take up art again. I just bought my first drawing tablet. Thanks, SIDT! Also, will you by any chance be at Anime Boston, or is that not your type of convention?

[–]sonicmerlin 6 points7 points ago

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You're the greatest thing that ever happened to reddit.

[–]Omaromar 14 points15 points ago

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[–]Iamametameta 6 points7 points ago

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What happened to him?

[–]Vuvuzelabzzzzzzzz 36 points37 points ago

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Minecraft

[–]NoxMortalitus 6 points7 points ago

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Vuvuzela speaks the truth.

[–]Iamametameta 1 point2 points ago

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This is a logical explanation.

[–]coolkid1717 0 points1 point ago

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if time was stopped the computer would stop working :(

[–]Lampmonster1 62 points63 points ago

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Eaten by wolves. It was tragic.

[–]Kiram 14 points15 points ago

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To shreds you say? My my, how tragic. How is his wife taking it?

[–]Downvoted_Defender 14 points15 points ago

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To shreds you say?

[–]WinterPhoenix 2 points3 points ago

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He was delicious

I couldn't find an actual video for this. Damn you, NBC

[–]KaylaS 2 points3 points ago

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Got a job.

[–]Bunco 1 point2 points ago

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Probably putting his 4Chan experience to good use drawing depraved porn for some Japanese hentai studio.

[–]spendtoomuchtimehere 5 points6 points ago

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He has a twitter! :D Link If you folk care about that sort of thing...

[–]dnew 38 points39 points ago

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He chose ... poorly.

[–]AngryScientist 10 points11 points ago

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This just made me rethink that part of the movie. What if instead of the rapid aging it shows, drinking from the wrong grail simply caused time to slow around him?

[–]blongo 29 points30 points ago

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If that's the case, then he really choose poorly since he never moved.

[–]mcaruso 17 points18 points ago

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Maybe he actually led a long and fulfilling life, just returning periodically to that very spot to keep up the illusion.

[–]ClownsAteMyBaby 8 points9 points ago

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Lived a long and fulfilling life while the rest of the world crawled forward about 5 seconds? What exactly could he have done with his time?

[–]pdclkdc 16 points17 points ago

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See the first comment in the link.

[–]adaminc 9 points10 points ago

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Banged Elsa a bazillion times.

[–]cole1114 3 points4 points ago

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Raped every woman on the planet, held every single piece of gold on the planet, fondled the president/king/prime minister of every country, shaved Hitler's mustache and then glued it back on, etc.

[–]Fazaman 7 points8 points ago

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held every single piece of gold on the planet

Made me think:

"Those pennies you're holding have been in my ass!"

[–]_quickdrawmcgraw_ 2 points3 points ago

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you think you're better than me? you're not better than me....you handle my ass pennies!

[–]ForgettableUsername 3 points4 points ago

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Access to the entire world with no consequences and number three on his to-do list is to give hand jobs to Winston Churchill and George VI? WTF?

[–]cole1114 1 point2 points ago

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Not hand-jobs, just groping. I don't know why I would do that, I guess it would be just for the hell of it. I mean, wouldn't you love to say that you inappropriately touched the president? I mean, no one would know so it wouldn't matter, but if you're trapped in time you might as well do that.

[–]ForgettableUsername 2 points3 points ago

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You've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this....

[–]Squid_Tamer 1 point2 points ago

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Anything.

[–]blongo 2 points3 points ago

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I had that thought too. Definitely plausible if we're already considering time control.

[–]Pravusmentis 0 points1 point ago

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It's be real boring I bet.

[–]rosssiuk 9 points10 points ago

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Anyone seen the film Cashback? Its about a worker in a supermarket who can stop time. He uses this power to strip women naked and draw them. I thought it may be relevant to your interests.

[–]BlazmoIntoWowee 3 points4 points ago

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And it turns out it's available on Netflix instant. Huzzah!

[–]zombiebarbie 40 points41 points ago

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I just imagined this in my mindgrapes and it.was.beautiful.

[–]WaterMist 23 points24 points ago

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And for some reason the dude was wearing a flowing white robe with the sun shining from behind him, while his growing hair and beard changed color in the dancing wind as a steady stream of cum continued to flow.

What godly jizz.

[–]Robertjordanforever 17 points18 points ago

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So you imagined Gandalf as a young to old pornstar?

[–][deleted] 80 points81 points ago

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A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he cums precisely when he means to.

[–]RemarkablyGoodTaste 17 points18 points ago

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BILBO BAGGINS! Do not take me for some cheap conjurer of pricks!

[–]thelazyasian 18 points19 points ago

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YOU SHALL NOT LAST

[–]Robertjordanforever 4 points5 points ago

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You glorious bastard.

[–]IHaveALargePenis 5 points6 points ago

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If I could stop time I would look at many many MANY naked women. Then at some point I would realize I'm a fucking retard, rob a few banks and simply start my own personal playboy mansion.

[–]icko11 5 points6 points ago

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And with the final spurt he dies of a heart attack, 95 years old.

It would probably be best if he could avoid growing hair or beard. Seeing him growing old and dying from that monumental ejaculation... Should preferably be made live on stage. Otherwise, people will call it a fake.

[–]burf 9 points10 points ago

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He'd have to reposition himself precisely every time, or he'd end up jerking around like a bad jump shot.

[–]Veidt_Industries 0 points1 point ago

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Or make sure it happened on live TV. At the Grammy's or some shit. On you time during breaks, go around and make sure that all of the cameras are still rolling and you are still on the air.

[–]phormality 0 points1 point ago

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He is assume he is immortal I think. This is taking place over centuries.

[–]Grighton 1 point2 points ago

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He is assume he is immortal O.o

[–]or4n 17 points18 points ago

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I'm not sure if I even want to comment this... Rule 34

[–]zombiebarbie 5 points6 points ago

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Animate it!

[–]SHFT 5 points6 points ago

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Directed by Christopher Nolan

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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produced by Ron Jeremy.

[–]HolyTryst 2 points3 points ago

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See sciencetobedone's comment above. According to the Wiki page on the book, the screenplay is being drafted by Neil Gaiman and Robert Zemeckis.

[–]phormality 1 point2 points ago

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This is the closest I can recall. Obviously NSFW, possible not safe for life

http://efukt.com/20585_Literally_Drowned_In_Semen.html

[–]desquibnt 3 points4 points ago

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Jesus Christ. March 2010. And I can guarantee you that this copy-pasta is even older than that.

[–]Teamhank 7 points8 points ago

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I have been waiting for people on reddit to bring out the copy pasta claim, I was gonna do it, seriously but i got into some trouble. I said it once or twice it wasn't a big deal. But apparently I threw out the copy pasta claim on a reddit big wig and all of a sudden my mama got scared and she said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air.

[–]gunshine 2 points3 points ago

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you son of a bitch

[–]ProbJustBSing 4 points5 points ago

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[–]shipdestroyer 11 points12 points ago

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is it weird that I've already considered this?

[–]shockfyre 2 points3 points ago

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Holy repost, Batman!

[–]NSFW_Full_Stop 12 points13 points ago

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I would probably go for the second comment and so would you. Don't say you wouldn't. You would.

[–]joss33 10 points11 points ago

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The first pic isn't NSFW enough!

[–]Downtown 6 points7 points ago

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RES makes your posts lose their special touch.

[–]aredash 1 point2 points ago

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RES should make a special exception for NSFW_Full_Stop. I'd say he's enough of a part of reddit to make it into the RES code.

[–]OldTimeGentleman 1 point2 points ago

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I like it when you write short sentences.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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They aren't mutually exclusive.

[–]NeverCompromise 0 points1 point ago

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do you post pictures of the same persons all time?

[–]magister0 5 points6 points ago

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someone screencap

Why don't you just do it, fuckface?

[–]frissonFry 1 point2 points ago

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Forget stopping time.

If I could turn back time...

[–]theoric 2 points3 points ago

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...if i could find a way...

[–]verisimilarity 1 point2 points ago

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He'd still age and need to eat, et cetera. So there'd be a lot of lost time. He'd get in maybe a few thousand cumshots if he were fucking dedicated.

[–]TheGiantPanda 1 point2 points ago

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Someone get relevantrule34 here quick!

[–]phormality 0 points1 point ago

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Try this... they just use multiple guys instead of stopping time

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/gc4ay/if_you_could_stop_time/c1mik47

[–]Ravenhaft 1 point2 points ago

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I've definitely seen a Japanese Porno where the guy finds a clock and fucks an entire bath house full of girls. Censored but pretty awesome. It's also amazing how the girls don't react through the entire video.

[–]braniac 1 point2 points ago

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...and that was the day I upvoted a repost from 4chan.

[–]kaosethema 1 point2 points ago

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i came....

to the conclusion that the post was genius

[–]Ike_Snopes 2 points3 points ago

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Zack Morris could stop time. Imagine him doing that to Kelly Kapowski. The entire "Saved by the Bell" series transformed into one, long, Saturday morning money shot.

[–]phormality 1 point2 points ago

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Time out!

[–]SnakeGriffin 3 points4 points ago

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I would repost hundreds...no thousands of times

[–]tvc_15 5 points6 points ago

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stay classy, 4chan.

[–]1htaehn 5 points6 points ago

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I haven't seen this repost in a month or two.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Relevant_Comment 2 points3 points ago

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To be honest, if you stopped time, you'd have more pressing problems like Air Friction heating up your skin as you walk. Remember, viscosity of air molecules is a property/function of time. He'd be lucky if he din't burn up after taking 10 steps.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Imagine how terrifying this would be if you were filming it.

[–]SirPeaches 2 points3 points ago

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That doesn't make any sense. Does the time machine also make him immortal?

[–]magister0 26 points27 points ago

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YEAH, THIS STORY HAS MORE HOLES THAN A KITCHEN SPONGE. I'M PRETTY SURE IT COULDN'T HAPPEN. GOOD DETECTIVE WORK SIR

[–]dnew 10 points11 points ago

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No. That's why his beard and hair keep growing and turn gray.

[–]SirPeaches 4 points5 points ago

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But he can stay alive "for centuries"?

[–]MonkeyDog453 12 points13 points ago

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If we wanted to get philosophical about this. If in fact the dimension of "time" is stopped then he wouldn't age since time is necessary for this to occur. However, without "time" our physical existence is impossible since we are dependent on the flow of time (we are not tralfamadorians), so everything he said is impossible. Unless we allow ourselves a moment of disbelief that it is somehow possible to split up the dimension of time and stop it for some people but still allow it to exist for others; but even allowing us that, he still wouldn't live any longer than a normal human being.

[–]datn 0 points1 point ago

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The Space Wizard pic makes this even better. And may show what he'd look like after.

[–]wandering_mind 0 points1 point ago

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Why are the last three digits of each post X'd out? The response in question is obviously post 206910775, since it's included in the last three...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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To stop get threads. Clearly you've never explored the thoroughly awful place that is /b/.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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What do you mean if I could?

[–]pianobadger 0 points1 point ago

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I wouldn't use it. How would you start time again?

[–]ShowMeUrrGenitals 0 points1 point ago

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Am I going to admit I have no faith in humanity and start reading /b/?

[–]IDoThatForBreakfast 0 points1 point ago

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I tried stopping time, but I always get hungry an hour later.

[–]PaperbackBuddha 0 points1 point ago

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Why does this make me think of Cher on a battleship?

[–]japaneseknotweed 0 points1 point ago

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One of the best books on this.

John D. MacDonald -- best known for his Travis McGee series -- gets blasted by many for being misogynistic. He's not, he's simply a product of his time.

If you like vintage Heinlein, the old Rockford Files TV series, Carl Hiaasen, and the clothes in Mad Men, I cannot recommend MacDonald enough.

[–]Laced_Sack 0 points1 point ago

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That's probably how OG Mudbone does it..

[–]runswithelves 0 points1 point ago

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Hate to be that person and know I'm over thinking this but;

  1. Wouldn't she die of asphyxiation after a few minutes or would her organs go into some sort "hibernation" while time is frozen?

  2. Doesn't cum harden after a while? She'd end up look like some sort of crust faced/bodied monster.