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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]girsanov 414 points415 points ago

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baby wipes to the rescue. Grab a baby, then wipe !

[–]stoptherobots 128 points129 points ago

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But really, baby wipes are amazing.

Once over with tp to get any large deposits, and one wipe to freshen up, especially ones with aloe.

[–]rotzooi 125 points126 points ago

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No shit.

No, really, I mean that. Shit begone. Always have a package with me when I travel. First time my friends saw that: "so gay, man". Three days later: "sorry dude, friend #3 used up your last wipe, have some more?"

[–]STUN_Runner 89 points90 points ago

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I was at a convention a few years ago and took what had to be the worst shit of my life. Just horrible, and I was in a public restroom in a convention center, so you can imagine what the TP was like. Sandpaper would've been an improvement.

But... I had my backpack with me, hanging on that hook on the inside of the stall door, and in my backpack there was, cue the angelic choir, a fresh pack of flushable wet wipes. Like you, I had come prepared.

I saw my defeat turn into a victory!

[–][deleted] 129 points130 points ago*

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Shamans of old, when man was sill new on this earth, used to hallucinate in their caves about one day being able to communicate their toilet habits to someone on the far side of the planet.

[–]Creepwood 20 points21 points ago

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Did you even see Valhalla Rising? They just raped people and yelled.

[–]MuseofRose 6 points7 points ago

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Was the angelic choir singing this song?

[–]BillyBBone 26 points27 points ago

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You number your friends? That's cold, dude. Real cold.

[–]rotzooi 44 points45 points ago

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I use the FFS (Friend File System) to number them. Say, #4 has not returned my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to me within the time I allotted. That obviously means the friendship is worth nothing to him, so I now have an empty #4 spot.

When I then make a new friend at, say, the book store while I am purchasing a new copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I insert that new friend in the #4 slot, instead of adding him to the end at what could well be #7. This prevents unnecessary fragmentation.

[–]inn0vat3 25 points26 points ago

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7? Someone's pretending to be popular.

[–]persona 45 points46 points ago

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HEY EVERYBODY THIS GUY HAS SIX FRIENDS

[–]MorningRooster 3 points4 points ago

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So, like Supreme Court seats.

[–]zuggies 6 points7 points ago

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Once you go baby wipe you can't go back to dry alone. It's really the only way to do it properly. We've got a bunch stacked in the bathroom closet like bricks. Absolutely essential.

[–]F0REM4N 17 points18 points ago

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Baby wipes are great, but what you really want is something like Cottonel fresh wipes. They don't harm anything when you flush them because they break down unlike normal baby wipes. Yours truly - a dad, and a pooping machine.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Baby wipes are cold. They should make heated ones. Actually, I think this would probably be one of the greatest inventions known to mankind.

[–]rotzooi 19 points20 points ago

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Sounds like a perfect post for /r/firstworldproblems !

[–]zuggies 13 points14 points ago

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Sometimes you want it cold...for one of those bad burning shits. We've all been there.

[–]theeuropean 2 points3 points ago

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Amen brother!

[–]wipesWarm 9 points10 points ago

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[–][deleted] 20 points21 points ago

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Why I have never thought of this? I should put some in my bathroom so that my obese roommate will use them as well. It will probably cut down on her rotten vagina/asshole stank after she doesn't get off her ass and bathe for 3-4 days. Sometimes she smells like the air of a dirty toilet that wafts up from between your legs when you're taking a deuce.

[–]chrissyseebs 49 points50 points ago

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Dear God.

[–]truffle_shuffle 13 points14 points ago

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Oops, sorry, I was busy dicking around with dominoes, Jenga pieces and rocks. I'll get right on this.

-God

[–]chrissyseebs 2 points3 points ago

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God is drunk again!!

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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It's pretty gross.

I can tell she's got issues and her weight is a problem for her, but after a few months I finally had to tell her "Listen, I'm really sorry and i know you don't want to hear this... but sometimes there's such a bad b.o. smell coming from your room that I can smell it as soon as I walk into the house."

[–]GrapeYourMouth 12 points13 points ago

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There are few things that frighten me more than obese women who care nothing about hygiene.

[–]BannedINDC 2 points3 points ago

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You can shower with them!

[–]Merlaak 6 points7 points ago

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I hope you're not flushing those. They don't actually break down like tp or the flushable wipes do.

[–]Didorian 91 points92 points ago

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I keep mine in my jacket pocket and simply rinse them at the nearest tap after use. I like to think it's my humble contribution to a better environment.

[–]Simnol 116 points117 points ago

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Not... not sure if serious.

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 14 points15 points ago

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In parts if South America, they don't actually flush their used toilet paper. They just throw it in the trash.

[–]Bob3333 28 points29 points ago*

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This is very common in Mexico, and that can be a real problem in the United States in areas with a high population of Mexican immigrants. In some National Forest restrooms they have to put up signs to prevent mountains of toilet paper thrown on the floor next to the toilet (not that it does any good). That picture was taken in the Sequoia National Forest.

Then after a typical summer day like this, the bathrooms in the forest look like this on the outside and this on the inside. Just for reference, the outside of that bathroom had been painted the day before. When you go somewhere where the rivers look like this on a typical summer day, the restrooms look like this. Just sayin'. You've got to experience it to believe it.

I have a Mexican friend who's always joking about having to take the trash cans out of the bathrooms when the relatives from Mexico come for a visit.

[–]marquizzo 6 points7 points ago

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I was born in Guatemala, and I was always taught that if you flush toilet paper down the toilet, it would get clogged. It probably isn't true, since paper is significantly smaller and more malleable than shit. Nonetheless, this is common in many Latin countries.

I moved to the US in 96, and I didn't find out until my best friend was visiting, then he straight up asked me "Why is there so much shitty paper in your trash can?" He laughed for a good couple of minutes after I explained this to him. I really had no idea I was doing anything wrong.

I've adapted to the American ways since then. My family has been informed as well.

[–]crash331 5 points6 points ago

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I don't get your comparison.

You are saying that a heavily used bathroom looks much worse than one that didn't get used at all?

[–]Bob3333 11 points12 points ago*

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I don't get your comparison.

You probably don't live anywhere where you see something like that on a regular basis.

You are saying that a heavily used bathroom looks much worse than one that didn't get used at all?

I'm saying that the effects of heavy use depend on the users. The bathroom that looks "not used" is in one of the most popular campgrounds in the White River National Forest in Colorado. You have to make reservations months ahead of time to even have a spot. Frequently you have to wait to use the restroom, but somehow those crowds manage not to shit and piss all over the floor, break all the windows, and spray paint their name (or whatever that illegible scribble is) on everything.

EDIT - I was only showing pictures illustrating restrooms because that was loosely what the discussion was about, but if you want to expand the scope to include the effects of heavy use on public forests, I'm all game. You don't see people spray painting fucking trees and rocks at Yellowstone, do you? It's busy enough there. You've got to compare your demographics.

[–]ProEJockey 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah, same in small towns in Mexico too.

[–]cannontrodder 2 points3 points ago

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They aren't doing this to be disgusting, it is because the sewage pipes are simply too unreliable (narrow, poorly serviced, partially blocked) that putting paper down can cause serious blockages.

[–]theheklor 9 points10 points ago

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I buy the flushable ones. The non flushables are for diapers and smell like baby shit (by association). The flushables I get don't have that scent.

[–]stoptherobots 5 points6 points ago

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I use the flushable ones, I just use the term "baby wipes" for any moist wipe.

[–]nickstl77 2 points3 points ago

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They make flushable baby wipes.

[–]Yorrick_Brown 15 points16 points ago

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My old roommate use to do this. When my friends and I found out about this, we would make fun of him about it and he would just get really mad at us and argue why would you NOT use baby wipes? He said it disinfects your asshole and now he has the cleanest asshole in all of Southern California. Can't argue with logic.

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 15 points16 points ago

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Nothing like sting of a Clorox disinfecting wipe on an exposed bum hole.

[–]BDaught 9 points10 points ago

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And if you don't that's the worst fucking itch to have.

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 9 points10 points ago

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Raw ass is the WORST

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Ever seem a Muslim walk into a bathroom with a water bottle?

Now you know.

[–]lawrnk 11 points12 points ago

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Explosives?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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try cleaning your butt with water then wiping. You'll feel so glorious the rest of the day you'll wonder why you haven't done it your whole life.

[–]yesnewyearseve 4 points5 points ago

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Smartass!

[–]jackHD 5 points6 points ago

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[–]m_Pony 94 points95 points ago

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do you ever get that "not so fresh" feeling?

[–]Yes_or_No_answer 74 points75 points ago

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Yes

[–]Maximum_DownVotes 118 points119 points ago

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You poor bitches need to go buy a fucking bidet.

[–]EncasedMeats 14 points15 points ago

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Or eat more fiber.

[–]wtf_ever 16 points17 points ago

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Totally. On a whim, I started eating my wife's fiber tablets. It's now a perfect dump every single time. One wipe and I'm done.

[–]King-Babar 19 points20 points ago

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I read your name in the crysis suit-voice "maximum armor," i hope that's intentional.

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 12 points13 points ago

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Have you stopped beating your wife?

[–]EulerDiagramOfThat 27 points28 points ago

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[–]TerrorBite 11 points12 points ago

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TIL that Venn diagrams and Euler diagrams are different things, with Venn diagrams being a specialised subset of Euler diagrams. Here's a Euler diagram of that.

[–]Howisdiscool 6 points7 points ago

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[–]jetboyterp 161 points162 points ago

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The worst is when you get that turtle head that keeps popping out. And no matter how much you wipe, it never ends.

[–]ulyssanov 159 points160 points ago

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God I HATE that. It's like a troll shit, it should just stay the fuck inside but instead it makes you feel like you absolutely HAVE to get it out but it won't let you. Then at some point when you realize it's not going to happen, you just give up and actually have to suck the rest of the shit back in to shit it out later when there's more to push it out. Then you have this unstatisfied feeling the whole day of having that last piece of shit still in there. And the worst thing? By the time you finally get to shit it out with the next shit, you've forgotten about it and you don't even get the statisfaction of getting rid of it. FFFFFFFFFF

[–]dalore 31 points32 points ago

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Don't force your shits, best way to get haemorrhoids.

[–][deleted] 122 points123 points ago

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Nope. I can confirm that the best way to get them is by packing baking soda inside your butthole and then squirting apple cider vinegar into it through a spray bottle.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points ago

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I can also confirm this.

[–]trollus_maximus 10 points11 points ago

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I cannot, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

[–]TreeFan 34 points35 points ago

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Ever have one of those moments, when you think "I can't believe I'm here, engaging in this conversation on this topic!"

That's me now.

[–]xilpaxim 10 points11 points ago

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Yes after reading the apple cider coming

[–]Just2UpvoteU 2 points3 points ago

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Manual dis-impaction my friend, manual dis-impaction.

[–]justinrice 29 points30 points ago

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The worst is when you have a big clump of shit hanging out of your butthole that didn't cleave off like it should have.

[–]ulyssanov 69 points70 points ago

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Because it was getting longer and longer and you tried to keep your butthole open until it comes out completely but then you can't hold it anymore and just cut off the shit involuntarily.

BUTTHOLE, Y U NO DO WHAT I TELL YOU

[–]heybebeh88 37 points38 points ago

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BUTTHOLE, Y U NO DO WHAT I TELL YOU

I have to say that's pretty high on the list of words I never expected to see together in a sentence.

[–]B5_S4 24 points25 points ago

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High school didn't prepare me for any of this!

[–]Oatmeel 3 points4 points ago

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"Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me."

[–]shriek 9 points10 points ago

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Simple solution:-

Shake your ass. It helps.

[–]turnyouracslaterup 19 points20 points ago

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But watch yo self.

[–]dafragsta 5 points6 points ago

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You gotta show it what you're working with.

[–]forgettokillphilip 3 points4 points ago

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I love poo stories on reddit, because i realise i'm not the only one doing all that.

[–]GinsuGuy 12 points13 points ago

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Sounds like you're wiping before you poop.

[–]Daemon_of_Mail 6 points7 points ago

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You just have to push the paper in your butthole with your finger and wipe in a circular motion. It will take several clumps of paper.

[–]Eduel80 9 points10 points ago

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┌─┐
┴─┴ 
ಠ_ರೃ barbarians

Least we don't have this in the Lounge.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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:|

[–]link3988 4 points5 points ago

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Ah yes, the old brown crayon out the ass.

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points ago

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I still don't understand why there is so much hair back there.

[–]akise 6 points7 points ago

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Friction. Marathon runners can chafe themselves bloody down there. Being hairy helps with that.

[–]Madmusk 3 points4 points ago

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But, women don't usually have much hair in that area...

[–]TreeFan 5 points6 points ago

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Good question, but still - don't ever NAIR it!!!

[–]Aleriya 2 points3 points ago

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You can use a body hair trimmer to trim it to about 1/4 inch, short enough that it won't cause as many problems, but long enough that there's no stubble and it's still comfortable.

[–]helloimback 39 points40 points ago

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Just take a shit right before taking a shower. Unless you're one of those who has to take a shit several times a day.

[–]MoNDoGuY 70 points71 points ago

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One of my biggest pet peeves in life is taking a shower only to be quickly followed by a shit attack. All that effort in detailed hygiene was for nothing!

[–]other_one 26 points27 points ago

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And that is because... you shit all over yourself?

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 12 points13 points ago

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EVERYONE knows that you dump BEFORE you take a shower. Never after.

[–]BenCelotil 8 points9 points ago

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I've noticed that a high protein diet, very low in carbohydrates, usually results in taking a dump once a week.

However, certain food stuffs or alcoholic beverages may shorten this time.

Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV).

[–]SuperDuperAwesome 23 points24 points ago

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Once a week? LOOOL!

[–]dghughes 16 points17 points ago

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You need some fiber, all that crap sitting in there for a week isn't good.

Followed by a coffee two hours later.

[–]NJBarFly 17 points18 points ago

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I experienced the same thing. It's called constipation. Eat more carbs like oatmeal, sweet potatoes, high fiber bread, a fiber supplement, etc... Just stay away from shitty carbs like cake and sugar.

[–]blkeys 19 points20 points ago

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Thats why I wipe continously until nothing shows on the TP, I don't care how much time or TP it takes. I cannot stand having an itchy asshole.

[–]TreeFan 7 points8 points ago

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Yeah, but the problematic paradox is that sometimes a lot of wiping - however necessary to eliminate fecal remnants - can actually do as much or more to cause itchiness as the remnants themselves.

[–]maz-o 2 points3 points ago

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My mom taught me this when I was a tiny kid. I just couldn't understand the concept of the more you wipe, the cleaner the paper gets.

[–]Karma_Grenade 13 points14 points ago

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Sometimes I feel like it's impossible to get completely clean. Like I could literally wipe all day and there'd still be a tiny brown spot on the toilet paper. Shit's frustrating.

[–]moby323 30 points31 points ago

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That shit happened to me yesterday.

[–]GinsuGuy 42 points43 points ago

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It's called butt rust.

[–]AlwaysDownvoted- 12 points13 points ago

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Sounds like a new bank

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 5 points6 points ago

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Buttrust. But Trust!

[–]Stinktaint 7 points8 points ago

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also mud butt..

[–]GinsuGuy 64 points65 points ago

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No, mud butt is diarrhea, swamp ass is pure sweat, and butt rust is when you didn't wipe enough.

[–]Stinktaint 26 points27 points ago

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Every once in a while a comment comes along that changes your whole outlook on life. This my friend, is mine.

Thank You, GinsuGuy.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]mothsmoke 72 points73 points ago

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I come from a culture where we actually wash our assholes using spray bidets or a receptacle filled with water and may or may not use the left hand for assistance. I don't think I would ever be able to wipe my ass with tissue and get up.

Seriously. If shit touches any part of my skin, I would want to at the very least wash it with water and not simply wipe it off with tissue. Why should my asshole be treated any differently?

[–]rotzooi 42 points43 points ago

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My neighbor employs a Turkish guy, who always brings a bottle of water to the toilet with him. Not sure about the exact goings-on, but I'm sure the man has a clean butt.

[–]Grayswandir 52 points53 points ago

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I've heard of having domestic help, but hiring a guy to wash out your ass for you? That's posh.

[–]BillyBBone 56 points57 points ago

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Your culture is most wise and learned. Do they have a newsletter I could subscribe to?

[–]paro 29 points30 points ago

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He wipes his ass with his bare hand and you're telling me they're most wise and learned? Did you skip over the part where the bidet doesn't get everything off your ass and you have to manually use your roughness of your hand to get the remaining chunks off?

Ever since I learned this I have been a 3 shells man.

[–]lawrnk 38 points39 points ago

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I try to explain the bidet to friends. If some guy ran up to you in the street and smeared shit on you, would you wipe it off with paper, or would you wash the hell of it with water?

They usually get the point then.

[–]bomber991 13 points14 points ago

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I'd probably want to use soap and water.

[–]hypernova2121 9 points10 points ago

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soap AND water? you greedy bastard

[–]the-ron 4 points5 points ago

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my bidet changed my life. www.pilotbidet.com

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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I loved this about Thailand when i was there - every toilet had an ass-shower next to it. I'm going to get one installed in my house in england when I get the chance.

[–]mothsmoke 2 points3 points ago

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If we're on the topic of plumbing in England...you guys should get mixer taps installed in all the sinks!

[–]Tr33 6 points7 points ago

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.. India?

[–]forgettokillphilip 2 points3 points ago

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That reminds me of the great laugh i had with Italian girls who were horrified at the lack of bidets in the rest of the world. They went "but how do you clean yourselves?!!". Us "well we just.. wipe". Them "EWWWW", followed by Italian words i did not understand, but i got the general meaning.

[–]Vicinus 37 points38 points ago

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I only stop when it`s bleeding.

[–]HumbertHumbertHumber 7 points8 points ago

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The worst part is when you start to see a few red spots AND you're still not finished. Biggest FUUUU moment ever.

[–]Pride_Of_Scotland 37 points38 points ago

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Some Scottish wisdom, applicable to all walks of life: NEVER get in the hot tub with a fat person. They can't wipe their ass.

[–]Neoflare 24 points25 points ago

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That's why I wear dark underpants.

[–]justinrice 66 points67 points ago

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Stopped wearing white underwear when my ass got hairy. Impossible to get totally clean with TP, like trying to get peanut butter out of your carpet.

[–]the_cereal_killer 15 points16 points ago*

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dude - i feel the same way. i try to time my bowel movements to be before i take a shower. i always get a sore butt when i only use toilet paper. it's like shitting through mesh panties.

[–]peeweerunt 4 points5 points ago

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Use baby wipes, try to use them sparingly- or else you'll clog the toilet.

[–]Alien_Vs_Skeletor 2 points3 points ago

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I heard those carpet steam cleaners are amazing.

[–]SpanishInfluenza 6 points7 points ago

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Brown briefs can be bought on U.S. military bases. That is the way to go.

[–]Neoflare 4 points5 points ago

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Too bad I am nowhere near a military base...Or in the U.S.

[–]B5_S4 27 points28 points ago

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Are you near any oil deposits? If so, we'll be there soon enough.

[–]greengoddess 5 points6 points ago

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Tidy whities should cease to exist.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago

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or when you're drivin in your chevy and youre feelin somethin heavy...

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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how does everyone know this diarrhea joke? where did it begin? was it an ad for imodium or something?

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points ago

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No idea where it came from, but in my recollection it was sheer comedic genius back at summer camp before entering the second grade.

It was second only to the "are you PT?" question in which a yes response meant you were a pregnant teenager, and a no response meant that you were not potty trained.

[–]bomber991 8 points9 points ago

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It was second only to the "are you PT?" question in which a yes response meant you were a pregnant teenager, and a no response meant that you were not potty trained.

I hated those questions.

[–]Punder 21 points22 points ago

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or when you thought you just passed gas but it feels wet inside your ass...

now you think you're feeling better but you keep on getting wetter...

[–]fikissupren 15 points16 points ago

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and then you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter...

[–]JeanLucPicante 14 points15 points ago

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people think it's funny, but it's really wet and runny...

[–]stunt_penguin 18 points19 points ago

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when you're climing up a tree something's crawlin' down your knee..

[–]leif777 28 points29 points ago

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People think it's gross but it's really good on toast...

[–]Ndrd 19 points20 points ago

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Vegemite?

[–]heybebeh88 12 points13 points ago

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aristocrats!

[–]LupineChemist 6 points7 points ago

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When you're riding on a plane and suddenly there's a stain.

[–]yarnage 2 points3 points ago

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Or when you're climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter...

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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Or when you're sliding into first and you feel something burst...

[–]three_dee 2 points3 points ago

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I never liked that one, because almost no one slides into first.

[–]lawrnk 51 points52 points ago

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Bidet solves this.

[–]RedGene 40 points41 points ago

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I wish those were more popular in america.

[–]lawrnk 4 points5 points ago

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Agreed. I'm in texas, and the bidet is very rare. Amazon has it for 40 bucks, joy bidet.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lawrnk 14 points15 points ago

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Sure. Mine attached to the toilet. After crapping, flip it on, and it blasts your pucker with water until clean. Use a small amount of paper, but only for drying. Way more sanitary.

[–]Darkmushy 13 points14 points ago

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[–]aengvs 14 points15 points ago

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Shouldn't the water be shooting up his ass? That looks like he's washing his hands behind his back... Unless that's how aliens use bidets? (or I have no idea what a bidet is)

[–]tiasg 2 points3 points ago

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The alien depicted is in the process of filling the bidet with water, or simply letting the water flow into the drain, while he cleans the anus area using his hands.

A bidet is simply a sink you squat over, making it possible to clean the buttocks. I guess some bidets also shoot water upwards, but I don't think that's very common.

[–]aengvs 8 points9 points ago

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I've always thought a bidet was a jet built into the toilet that would shoot water upwards towards your ass, so it was an automated process. I'm not sure if this realisation makes me more or less comfortable.

[–]Madmusk 5 points6 points ago

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The thought of the walk between the bidet and the sink while knowing that there's literally shit all over my hands seems a bit unpleasant though.

[–]Seiesnalli 10 points11 points ago

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Protip: wipe until paper wiped white. For the paranoid, until red.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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Everyone in this goddamn thread needs to eat more whole foods. Fruits vegetables meat potatoes water milk. NOTHING ELSE. Jesus fuck it's not that hard guys. If you live off of doritos and pop tarts your turds get weird.

[–]roybot 14 points15 points ago

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go on..

[–]akise 6 points7 points ago

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One solid log, three sheets of toilet paper max. Often less.

[–]GoodToiletEtiquette 19 points20 points ago

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Hang up your pants before you shit, make sure your legs have room to be free. No animal craps with their legs bound. Try it and thank me later..

[–]twrn 5 points6 points ago

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No animal craps with their legs bound.

Dogs curl into a machine to make sure they don't get any shit on them. It's all about work ethic really.

[–]Neuro420 7 points8 points ago

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curl into a machine

[–]adamdavid85 4 points5 points ago

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So you're saying we should use a wide stance?

[–]TreeFan 6 points7 points ago

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The Larry Craig stance.

[–]JizzblasterBoris 7 points8 points ago

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It's that sinking feeling, and you only feel it once you've sat down and everything's fucking gross.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]sjseven 7 points8 points ago

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Toto washlet is the best money I have ever spent. No more TP. My septic and butt have been thanking me. Http://www.totousa.com/Washlet/WashletS400.aspx

[–]not_handling_it 18 points19 points ago

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Take a couple of squares of toilet paper and wet them under a tap. Now wrap those in about 2 ft of dry toilet paper or slightly less - just enough that the outer layer is damp but the resulting wad won't break apart in your hand. Use that for the last wipe. Ideally, do this at work so that you don't have to give a fuck about how much toilet paper you use, and also you can get paid to shit.

[–]rychan 56 points57 points ago

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It might be a little awkward shuffling from the stall to the sink with your pants around your ankles.

[–]westyplz 10 points11 points ago

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Feign a disability, get into the executive bathroom a la Costanza.

[–]sapiophile 8 points9 points ago

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I just use spit.

[–]DeLoreanMotorCars 3 points4 points ago

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Nobody talks about this, yet it's super effective. I did a ctrl+f spit just to make sure I wasn't alone. I got used to doing this while in Iraq using portoJohns with an abundance of wet ones. Spit is good, but wetones are the fucking rolls royce of shitting. Sorry for typing like a dumb ass, I'm drunk and it's how I deal with pstd.

[–]ecancil 4 points5 points ago

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the fact that this is the number one post on reddit is kind of weirding me the fuck out

[–]ariesgeek 12 points13 points ago

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Protip: On your "last" wipe, soak the TP. You'll soon learn it wasn't your last wipe.

[–]TreeFan 13 points14 points ago

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Soak it how? Dip it into the toilet?

Or - again - shuffle out of your stall with pants around ankles and use the sink???

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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His sink is probably right next to the toilet.

[–]lemonparty 5 points6 points ago

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I just leave the top off of the tank. I have a little brass cup on a chain in there so I can get a drink if I get thirsty.

[–]HoneyBaked 4 points5 points ago

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Seriously people, we can't wipe our asses?? Your parents have failed you.

Clean those fucking things every time.

I think this is called a "pro tip":

If you are in a country that doesn't know what a bidet is, wet a few paper towels (3, 5, 50 -- whatever it takes) on your way into the stall and use those to clean your ass thoroughly and then use the toilet paper to wipe everything dry.

If the toilet has a weak flush, don't flush the towels, ball them up and throw them away (preferably without any shit visible). If the toilet has a strong flush, flush a few at a time so as not to clog it.

And for the home, buy some baby wet-wipes and put them next to the toilet. Carry a travel pack in your car. And if you are a lady, carry a packet of wet-wipes in your purse.

You are welcome.

[–]chickenrevolution 4 points5 points ago

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If at first you don't succeed, wipe wipe again.

[–]ponyboy_coitus 3 points4 points ago

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Maintenance wipe!

[–]Ninjroid 2 points3 points ago

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My friend coined the term "shitchies" for this problem.
Me: You all right? Him: Gotta go to back to the bathroom - got the shitchies.

[–]snarfy 4 points5 points ago

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Sometimes it's like smearing peanut butter through a shag carpet.

[–]QuikFalcon 6 points7 points ago

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It's that or try to hard when you wipe then you get sore, or itchy butthole.

[–]kahoonas 6 points7 points ago

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Bidet FTW

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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every. goddamn. day.

[–]yarnage 6 points7 points ago

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Wipe more

[–]geenomike 2 points3 points ago

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Story of my life.

[–]granola_brother 2 points3 points ago

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I'd read it.

[–]weeone 2 points3 points ago

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Apparently you just did.

[–]sil0 2 points3 points ago

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A case of the itchy asshole is no laughing matter.

[–]Sehs 2 points3 points ago

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Toto washlet.

[–]pineapples_express 2 points3 points ago

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im a fan of when you wipe and you didnt need to, best feeling.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]cesarjulius 8 points9 points ago

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When I got to the word "cain't" I went back and re-read your comment with a hillbilly accent. It adds another dimension to it.

[–]AndyOB 1 point2 points ago

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I hate it when this shit happens.

FTFY

[–]ultimatekarlos 1 point2 points ago

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I would like this on a tshirt.

[–]cesarjulius 6 points7 points ago

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I would like this on my tombstone.

[–]observinginsanity 1 point2 points ago

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This thread is rather interesting and disturbing at the same time.

[–]shylock- 1 point2 points ago

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That's why you've got to dig in deep.