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470
471

What a cute dog (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by Owlyy

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[–]AppleAtrocity 59 points60 points ago

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I made my dog's appointment to get fixed yesterday and the woman asked me if he had any issues they should be aware of. I almost said "Well, he is retarded." but I caught myself and said "Umm....anxiety issues?" He is retarded.

[–]JustHere4TheDownVote 13 points14 points ago

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How does a retarded dog act?

[–]Stebun 115 points116 points ago

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Retarded

[–]AppleAtrocity 14 points15 points ago

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Yes. He hates anyone who isn't me or my sister, so he barks his face off if anyone else comes to my house. He loves me to the point of being smothering. Climbing all over me, kissing my face constantly, trying to stick his tongue up my nose and in my mouth 24/7. Constantly harasses my other dog. Eats cat poop if he can, and cat nip for some reason. Pees on anything he feels the need to. Eats cat food more than his own food. I could go on and on. He is just a stupid ass dog. Cute as hell though. I am hoping the cutting off of his balls calms him down a lot and makes it easier for me to rid him of his bad habits/asshatery. I'm going to have to muzzle him when I take him because he will probably try to bite anyone else who touches him. It's not his fault though, he was mistreated before I got him. Pain in the ass.

[–]Romanc3r 40 points41 points ago

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Sounds like a regular dog to me!

[–]Ecl1pse -1 points0 points ago

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What sort of dogs have you had? 0_o

Every dog I have ever had has been chilled out, even when they were young and full of energy, as soon as you even gave them a stern look they'd know when not to misbehave.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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You had a bunch of labs or golden retrievers then.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Or any other dog not rabbit sized.

[–]skarface6 0 points1 point ago

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hamster sized

FTFY

[–]Ecl1pse 1 point2 points ago

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Kelpie's and Beagle's actually.

[–]kapson 4 points5 points ago

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Maybe a professional trainer is what he needs? It helped my dog.

[–]Sporkfortuna 13 points14 points ago

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Helped my retarded brother, too.

[–]kapson 2 points3 points ago

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Film him doing tricks and post it on reddit! Free karma :D

[–]fencefry 4 points5 points ago

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Done.

[–]psychonavigator 1 point2 points ago

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Can he post a video of you linking to Hulu? Then you'd be even.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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There is no pack leader in your house. The dog is dominating you by "smothering" you, climbing on you, kissing your face, etc. Unless you take the leader role, your dog will continue this behavior. Dogs are not born "retarded" but if they are the results of inbreeding, they will have 'issues'. Most behavioral issues are caused by humans. Neutering your dog will help to calm him down but sounds like your dog needs a lot of exercise, training and leadership from you. It is sad that your dog was mistreated but he can over come this by some consistent training. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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DOMINATE IT

[–]GoinBossanova 1 point2 points ago

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TSST

[–]Dracius 1 point2 points ago

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Really, so you mean to tell me humans are the only species on the planet capable of being born retarded?

Come on now... Are YOU retarded? Because you might be if you think that.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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My post did not state that.

[–]Dracius 0 points1 point ago

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And yet, you did,

Dogs are not born "retarded"

You went on to say that they can have "issues" from inbreeding, which could mean any number of things, but you very clearly stated "dogs are not born 'retarded'".

[–]bohemianmomo 1 point2 points ago

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Out of curiosity, what kind of dog is it?

[–]AppleAtrocity 0 points1 point ago

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Chiweenie. It isn't as bad because he weighs all of 6 pounds and can't actually rip anyone's face off, but yeah. He is a dick. I can't believe someone would beat him (or whatever happened to him) since he was really fucking tiny when I first got him.

[–]DaftGretel 2 points3 points ago

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Maybe that's just how Chiweenie's act. We got my dog last year, when she was about 7, after she'd been through at least three owners in 4 months. She thinks I'm God and likes other women, but hates most men, and acts like she wants to kill the neighbor's kids any time they come over.

If anyone is holding anything that could possibly look like a gun, she goes insane, trying to attack them, and chewing at their pants legs. If she hears clapping, or anything that can be mistaken for the sound of someone getting hit, she does the same thing.

Any unexpected noises set off a round of loud barking, which also causes her to fart with every bark, since she's putting her entire body into killing the invisible demons that rang a doorbell on the TV, or put mail into our mailbox, or drove by on a bicycle with noisy breaks, etc...

[–]dmcnelly 0 points1 point ago

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I can't believe someone would beat him

Sounds like you're about ready to yourself.

[–]AppleAtrocity 2 points3 points ago

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Nah. I think swatting at him would be counterproductive since that is why he is like this. I have contemplated leaving the gate open though... :P

[–]anthony955 1 point2 points ago

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Just read this after responding to your first post. Yeah all that sums up my dog. He's neutered and still retarded so I wouldn't count on that calming him down. I finally resulted in making him stay in his crate when he can't be supervised as he instantly destroys the garbage can if he's free with nobody here (even if I'm gone for 5-10 minutes). I've raised enough dogs to know that he fully understands the things he's done so training has been futile.

[–]AppleAtrocity 1 point2 points ago*

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Well, fuck me. He has to go in his crate when I am not here too. Jack totally knows when he has done something wrong. If I yell at him or click his "bad boy" clicker at him he immediately rolls over on his back as if to say "Please don't beat me!". He hides after eating cat poop because he knows he has to have his teeth brushed. I'm going to have to invest in some serious training classes if he doesn't relax. The problem with that is he will try to bite everyone else and have a freak out. He is lashing out out of fear, so it's hard to get him to calm the fuck down.

[–]anthony955 1 point2 points ago

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Fortunately my dog isn't a biter, he just jumps on new people. This of course isn't good since he's big enough to knock you over if you're not paying attention. The funny thing is he's smart enough to understand when he's going in the crate and late in the evening I'll walk him without a leash and when I say come on he'll beat me back to my apartment and wait, no matter how far away we are.

One thing I've done for punishment is I have a foyer coming from the garage. If he does something wrong I get all intimidating, raise my voice some, then take him to the foyer. This places him in a small, secure location with no people contact and avoids ruining his crate training.

I'm sure there are obedience classes that specialize in hyperactives, biters, and just all around hard to train dogs. It might be worth taking him there to get assessed and see if there is any hope in breaking him of the habits he has.

[–]BubbaJimbo 0 points1 point ago

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Clickers are for GOOD behavior!!!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Clickers are for training.

[–]BubbaJimbo 0 points1 point ago

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I'm surprised you would suggest clickers be used to reinforce bad behavior based on your comments about crate training. I would use a penny shaker to punish bad behavior instead.

[–]AppleAtrocity 0 points1 point ago

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Since he is scared of any loud noise it actually works as well as a penny shaker would.

[–]otherwiseguy 0 points1 point ago

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Clickers are for immediately associating an action the dog has taken with whatever action you are about to take. Often this is for associating a good behavior's completion with a treat that you are about to give for positive reinforcement, but it should work just as well for negative reinforcement as long as the same sound isn't linked to both good and behaviors/reinforcements.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Nowhere in my post did I say that clickers "be used to reinforce bad behavior". I said, "Clickers are for training". My comments on crate training IMO are accurate. A crate is not supposed to be used as a form of punishment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, sounds like he is a fear biter. That can be trained out of him. He doesn't trust anyone most likely because of what happened to him in the past. Trust is very important as you can imagine. A lot of dogs eat poop and it's called, Coprophagia. Some dogs never stop doing it. Cat food is very enticing to dogs because of the fish. You can try sprinkling cayenne pepper on the cat feces and see how your dog reacts. There are several things you can do but like I said, some dogs never stop doing this behavior. Yes it's gross and yes your dog can get sick from the bacteria. Putting a dog in a crate as a form of punishment is incorrect. I'm not suggesting that you are guilty of this. Some people do punish their dog in this manner but all it does is make the dog hate going in the crate. It also doesn't teach the dog anything positive. A dog must be corrected for bad behavior at the very place the behavior was done and the correction must be done right away. Dogs live in the 'now' and will not remember what they did five minutes ago. Most of all, your dog needs for you to be his pack leader.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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You just haven't found the right trainer. A lot of exercise will definitely help calm your dog down.

[–]anthony955 1 point2 points ago

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Never really consulted a trainer as I've got a history of training everything from Cairns to Huskies. I'm certainly no expert, just have experience training difficult breeds but none with pre-existing conditions. My girlfriend also worked in a kennel for a few years.

In my dog's case he's responded to some things, like learning not to snatch treats from my hand. I've done the cup test in the "how to know if your dog is retarded" test, only I used an open box so he could sniff it out. He failed the test but it was more due to his hyperactivity in knowing I had a treat for him that he completely ignored me placing the treat in a box right in front of him. I finally had to guide his head to it and he attempted to lick my hand clean of any scent created by the treat.

[–]PantsMcGee 1 point2 points ago

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I believe that the smaller the dog the more chance it has of having a touch of the downs, after all that thing used to be a wolf, it took a lot of crossbreeding / inbreeding over a few thousand years to get it to look like a Chiweenie.

[–]AppleAtrocity 1 point2 points ago

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Totally. He is probably so inbred. I'm hoping the neutering will help.

[–]skarface6 0 points1 point ago

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Cat food is tasty.

[–]ZombieBroad 0 points1 point ago

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Sounds like your dog needs trained...

[–]palijer 6 points7 points ago

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Here is a good example

[–]missstar 0 points1 point ago

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I was disappointed that I had to scroll so far to find Allie's post. Awesome blog, for people who want to actually laugh out loud at MS Paint stories.

[–]anthony955 1 point2 points ago

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I have a similar problem. See my dog is retarded as well but I pass it off as separation anxiety. Anxiety really can't explain how he'll eat an entire bowl of food then immediately go to the cat's litter box for dessert.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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That isn't separation anxiety. That is the dog likes the ingredients in the cat poop. I had a dog with separation anxiety and he had it before I owned him. No amount of training ever stopped this behavior. He whined and cried when I left the house and I even hired a professional trainer who worked with him. He continued this behavior until he passed.

[–]Mechakoopa 1 point2 points ago

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My dog did the same thing when we first got her, we took to moving her favorite bed by the door when we left and having her stay in the bed when we went out the door. She was always in the bed when we came home, no matter how long we were gone, and she stopped whining. We found out after a few months of this (I got bored and set up video surveilance one day with some webcams) that she was actually waiting until we left, then going about her business wandering around the house until she heard us coming home, at which point she would run back to her bed and pretend to be sleeping when we came in the door.

She was so distracted by winning the "game" we were playing with her that she completely forgot about her anxiety.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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That is a very cool story. Upvote!

[–]anthony955 0 points1 point ago

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Never said they were connected, just agreed with Apple and played it off with something retarded he does.

His separation anxiety is a result from a neglectful past with his previous owner. The owner's girlfriend gave him to a friend because her boyfriend treated him so poorly to the point that the hair follicles on his rear died as a result of chewing fleas. He was neglected to the point that he acts like the last bit of attention you gave him will be the last he'll ever get.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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That's sad. I'm glad he has a good home now.

[–]barcodescanner 56 points57 points ago

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Obligatory. And hilarious. Cracks me up every time I read it.

[–]zerkcies 2 points3 points ago

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I shouldn't have tried to read that at work, I'm laughing so hard. Great stuff.

[–]barcodescanner 9 points10 points ago

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Read the one about moving. Possibly even funnier.

[–]AppleAtrocity 7 points8 points ago

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"I made food! I'm MAGICAL!"

[–]klactodjango 0 points1 point ago

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Someone at work actually suggested this blog recently, I'm glad work and reddit forced me to read it at work :D

[–]anthony955 3 points4 points ago

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Ha, I did the same biscuit test on my dog but I used a small open cardboard box so it wouldn't mask the scent at all. He failed.

[–]heidihannah 1 point2 points ago

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I introduced this blog to my sister in the surgical waiting room (our father was the one in surgery). We were in hysterics as we went through each of her entries while surrounded by a room of solemn seriousness - it was awesome

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Too funny. Sad and funny at the same time.

[–]sexytronx 1 point2 points ago

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oh god, I have tears of laughter from this one. "I Googled 'how to tell if your dog is retarded...'" I lost it when I got to that part.

[–]iLEZ 1 point2 points ago

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I thought i'd never forget how extremely funny this was, but i was wrong.

[–]anotherdroid 10 points11 points ago

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but... that dog is most likely medically retarded. so that kinda kills the funny. with that being said, i believe it would it be best to market the poor thing as a cat.

[–]Sherm 12 points13 points ago

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Wouldn't pass the emissions standards.

[–]GreenGlassDrgn 2 points3 points ago

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Nah, not a cat. This poor thing doesnt have the capacity to murder you in your sleep. A droll Roomba-cover, perhaps?

[–]Elbowgreez 6 points7 points ago

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Anyone else find it odd that they measured this dog's weight down to the 10,000th of a pound? Were they concerned that some little old lady who knows her strength down to the microjoule might want to know if she could find the heaviest lap-dog she could possibly support? Or is measuring things really just that much fun?

[–]Clit_Commander 6 points7 points ago

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truth in advertising...

[–]legion_of_dumb 6 points7 points ago

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Try using unsharp mask next time you shooop.

[–]guiltypearl 1 point2 points ago

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I noticed that too. le sigh

[–]monofonik 23 points24 points ago

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derp

[–]iFinishYourComments 18 points19 points ago

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". The word sat still yet boldly in the air. All of the baffling mysteries of the perverse, the nonsensical, and the confounding presence of things that defy the logical discourse of our kind's entire timeline of wisdom were congealed, refined by fire, and then shaped the potter's hand of the wisest wordsmith to produce such an epitomized and succinct form the world will ever digest, "derp".

[–]sgt_hatred 1 point2 points ago

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wtf do you do for a living? seriously, tell me you get paid to be this funny.

[–]soopercooper 2 points3 points ago

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did anyone else think of this immediately?:

http://worldsstrongestlibrarian.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/08_07_23_animal_muppet.jpg

[–]camwow 0 points1 point ago

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I did and you beat me to it!

[–]PeaceOfDischord 2 points3 points ago

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I will call you Derp. And you shall be mine.

[–]Paxman94 2 points3 points ago

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Mental status: maximum overderp.

[–]mtheory007 2 points3 points ago

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Never go full retard.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]SebastianTyr 1 point2 points ago

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Yay OHS! (I work there, thanks for adopting your cat from us!!!)

[–]Okami_Revolution 1 point2 points ago

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this + trees = about 15 min of laughter.

[–]Hellzapoppin 1 point2 points ago

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Haha, oh fuck...

[–]backbeatbozo 1 point2 points ago

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I cant stop staring at it.. Its.. Mesmerising..

[–]mi_nombre_es_ricardo 3 points4 points ago

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so that bitch went full derp.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Science_Smartass 28 points29 points ago

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Growing up with a Lhasa Apso, I can attest to this. He apparently ran into a closed sliding glass door and would not use that doorway anymore. Instead, he would sit at the bottom of the stairs and whine until we picked him up.

He also never did quite figure out how to kill his reflection, but he sure tried.

He was loyal as hell, but pants on head retarded.

[–]pzer0 7 points8 points ago

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pants on head retarded

That just made me literally LOL at my desk. Have an upvote, you bastard!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]thekidsgotmoxy 1 point2 points ago

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i too have a lhasa apso mix (i think that's what he is - about the best i can guess). he is, unfortunately, not the world's smartest dog. but then again, if he was really smart, he might be dangerous.

my favorite is when he holds a large stuffed toy sort of jutting straight forward from his mouth and then tries to jump on the couch. the toy acts sort of like a spring and compresses then rockets him off the couch so he bounces immediately back off. usually, he'll try this 6 times in a row, and the same thing happens over and over. then he's like "well, i'll just lay right in front of the couch with my baby."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Put it on YouTube.

[–]Science_Smartass 0 points1 point ago

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Oh yes, I agree with stubborn. And perhaps my dog smashed his head into a jet engine when i wasn't looking. Most stubborn breed I've ever met.

[–]AtomicDog1471 1 point2 points ago

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Adoption fee

WTF? I've never known an animal rescue place charge before, they're usually happy to find a home for the animals. Is this an American thing?

[–]ReplaceSelect 21 points22 points ago

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I've never known an animal rescue to NOT charge. Yes, I'm in the US.

[–]dpark 8 points9 points ago

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How are animal rescues funded in your area? Most animal rescues in the US rely on adoption fees to help fund their activities.

[–]AtomicDog1471 1 point2 points ago

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Registered as a charity and supported through the government/donations

[–]Scops 6 points7 points ago

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In the US, I believe there are county-run animal shelters where animals picked up by Animal Control go, and then there are shelters run by organizations like Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and (shudder) PETA.

The latter are funded by donations and adoption fees, which can vary widely. I volunteered at a county-run shelter and it did the job, but was not a nice place. Dogs were put in small concrete pens with no beds (unless someone brought in a blanket or something when they dropped off the animal) and typically there were two or more dogs in each pen. Cats were put in a wall of cages.

I adopted my dog from an SPCA shelter, and the facility was much nicer. Dogs were confined to small rooms, and three or so per room, but they each had their own crate with bedding in it. My dog was crate trained when I got him (ten months old). Cats had similar cage walls, but the doors were left open, and they were allowed to explore a play area with scratch posts, etc. I paid about USD$180 in adoption and medical fees, but I feel that the quality of the facility reflected that price.

On the other side of the spectrum, I've heard of no-kill shelters which are brutally overcrowded, dirty, and nasty. Adoption fees are negligible, but they don't have any money for medical procedures, antibiotics, etc.

tl;dr - There are options. In some respects, you get what you pay for.

[–]akirarat 8 points9 points ago*

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adoption fees are to prevent dog fighters from picking up stray or lost animals and using them as bait, among other things.

[–]Chromavita 4 points5 points ago

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This. I've heard that you shouldn't give pets away for free on craigslist or anything like that because some people use them for sadistic things like this.

Then again it sounds like the kind of thing that could just be an urban legend, or something that happened a few times and got blown way out of proportion.

[–]akirarat 1 point2 points ago

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it also deters the non-serious adopters who just want a pet for their kid to pay with but can't handle the maintainance. the fee keeps them away.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Not an urban legend. Laboratories will often take unwanted dogs (and other pets) to do testing on them. Some people will take pets and resell them.

[–]cr3ative 4 points5 points ago

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UK reporting in, this is absolutely expected.

[–]Crawlerado 3 points4 points ago

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If you think that's bad check this place out. We went to look at a pup, they needed to know:

Where we worked, how much we made, where we lived, including footage and yard space, when we would be with the dog, criminal history, how long we'd been dating, etc. etc.

But I can go to a bar, get drunk, bang some rando and make another human with no oversight whatsoever.....

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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What do you expect from a place called, "Dumb Friends"?

[–]Shieya 2 points3 points ago

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You also have to pay a fee to drop an animal off, at least at the Humane Society I went to.

[–]skarface6 -2 points-1 points ago

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So, to 'the farm' it is!

[–]JustHere4TheDownVote 1 point2 points ago

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I'm sure its not a big fee, they do need income to come in from some where.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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They do. There are millions of unwanted animals in shelters every year so all donations are much needed.

[–]badredah 1 point2 points ago

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Many of the places want to make sure you're serious about adopting it and simultaneously want to get just enough money going to keep the place up and running.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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All of the ones I know of do charge a fee. It's mostly for vaccinations and sterilization. Shelter dogs are awesome.

[–]Shieya 1 point2 points ago

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I really do feel bad laughing at this. But OMG.

[–]Styleofdoggy 0 points1 point ago

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Herp

[–]tacul -1 points0 points ago

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herpderp?

[–]cmaxim -5 points-4 points ago

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derpherp be-derp!

[–]GumboVision 0 points1 point ago

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At the risk of being mean, she's gone the full Gumby! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTXn0JSqwxc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[–]Helmet_Icicle 0 points1 point ago

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I CAN. I CAN BLAME HER. THERE ARE NO FREE LUNCHES, JASMINE. NO FREE LUNCHES.

[–]hiima 0 points1 point ago

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TIL dogs can go full derp

[–]YouHadToBeThere 0 points1 point ago

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Did anyone else initially notice its weight is listed to the ten-thousandth decimal place? hmmm

[–]iezugod 0 points1 point ago

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I laughed, but the fonts are clearly different. It's fake (look at the lowercase e's and a's) but still funny.

[–]xbepox 0 points1 point ago

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thats a very specific weight...

[–]TheMusicalVito 0 points1 point ago

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Read that as, "Jasmine is a lovely little girl who wants out of this world."

[–]gonz0 0 points1 point ago

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They laughed at my eyes....

[–]ArseAssassin 0 points1 point ago

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Aww. It's not retarded, just a little derped.

[–]Spikeu 0 points1 point ago

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Dating agencies should use this kind of system.

[–]JimJongChillin 0 points1 point ago

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Isnt anything a dog does considered retarded?

[–]AnalBumCovers 0 points1 point ago

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i laughed and then immediately felt really sad

[–]wtb2612 0 points1 point ago

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Funny, but it's a bad fake job. The text is slightly smaller and is sharper.

[–]dead_ohio_sky 0 points1 point ago

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This dog looks like Kitty from Arrested Development. Cannot un-see.

[–]sigilvii 0 points1 point ago

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I laughed a lot. LAL'd.

[–]jalien 0 points1 point ago

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Fake - this is shopped - dog was from the Oregon humane society - they don't have a mental status category on the pets. The original dog has been adopted but you can see from here. http://www.oregonhumane.org/adopt/detail.asp?animalID=88276

[–]ZombieBroad 0 points1 point ago

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But it's ok for dogs to be dumb as long as they're cute.

[–]skybike 0 points1 point ago

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It's funny because all dogs are just retarded wolves.

[–]hxue 0 points1 point ago

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Herp Derp

[–]chollenb 0 points1 point ago

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Goddammit, Reddit. I'm sitting in the front row of my Business Law class and almost crying from trying not to laugh out loud.

[–]thegreatgoldenbaby 0 points1 point ago

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that dog looks like the Monster from "Halloween at Eureka's Castle"

[–]pansartax 0 points1 point ago

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Different fonts, fake and gay

[–]Brokim 0 points1 point ago

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Derp.

[–]rustyneuron 0 points1 point ago

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$250?! Do they actually WANT to have these dogs adopted? Do they know what people can buy with $250 or get a non-retarded dog for free?!

[–]arcadiegirl 1 point2 points ago

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It's not uncommon for that to be an average price for an animal.

[–]krazzek -1 points0 points ago

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I just shot rice out my nose laughing at this.

[–]skarface6 0 points1 point ago

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GO TO THE DOCTOR

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago*

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Five bucks says someone from /r/trees weighed this dog.

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