Best quote from The Office. Always makes me laugh.

seanmharcailin · 1 year

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

KibblesnBitts · 1 year

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton - Creed Bratton

fixedzero · 1 year

"If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides." - Dwight Shrute

dinod8 · 1 year

I love the part after it. Michael asks how they (other office members) would do it. Dwight Shrute says "Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it, you line them all up, you take one bullet shoot them all through the throat at the same time. [stands up] Watch this, Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. Throats together. Ready? One bullet, and, boom!" The office bursts into applause

1 year

[deleted]

PixarLamp · 1 year

Future Dwight is my favorite

NinetiesGuy · 1 year

"Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" - Kelly Kapoor

pacmantwo · 1 year

"I hate so much of the things you chose to be" Love this one... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5d5jxJ5vbM&feature=related

funkminister · 1 year

"R is the most menacing letter in the alphabet. That's what it's 'murder', not 'mukduk'." - Dwight Schrute

heartbeats · 1 year

"There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?' He said, 'if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'"

dvsbastard · 1 year

When it comes to office quotes, Dwight's words of wisdom wins hands down:

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

MikhailsModernLife · 1 year

*Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

*Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.

*Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

*Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?

SirCadburyWadsworth · 1 year

You can all stop trying... Nothing beats Dwight's Hannibal moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pQdaMKTmUw

tidder112 · 1 year

Michael: Can't talk, saving the planet.

Pam: Oh, we don't recycle.

Michael: ...we don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?

Pam: I'm sure no one asked you to do that.

Michael: Eight years...

alkaline810 · 1 year

Michael: I like colored greens

Stanley: Collard.

Michael: What?

Stanley: They're called "collard" greens.

Michael: No, no. That's offensive. They're not called "collard" people.

feedmestraycat · 1 year

Boom roasted.

notfeelingthat · 1 year

Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry.

SnakeVanPotamus · 1 year

Michael: There's no criminals in this office. Except for Toby, convicted rapist!

AestheticDeficiency · 1 year

Personally I like the dialogue between Dwight and Stanley about the Schrute Bucks. I searched youtube for the video, but to no avail. If someone finds it, or if you know what I'm talking about it's hilarious.

PapaAlphaTango · 1 year

Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

iacfw · 1 year

I think that whole STD scene was better.

"I have h.. i..."

'OH GOD'

"r p e e s"

poorbanker · 1 year

No God

ghostchamber · 1 year

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!!

granola_brother · 1 year

Jan: Michael, you can't fire Toby without cause.

Michael: I have cause. It's be-cause I hate him.

BeingAwesomeInstead · 1 year

My philosophy is basically this – and this is something that I live by, and I always have, and I always will. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where or who or who you are with, or…or where you are going, or…or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever....

maccam912 · 1 year

Michael: "How long does it take for you to do something simple, like, say, brush your teeth?" Handicapped man: "I don't know, like 30 seconds?" Michael: "See! That's three times as long as it takes me!"

qvindtar · 1 year

Abraham Lincoln once said that "if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

mumbles_gh · 1 year

Season 5 Episode 13 when Dwight sets fire to the office: "Today, smoking is gonna save lives" Personal favourite.

Hsudoku · 1 year

Michael: Stanley, your heart sucks and you crush your wife during sex.

thecaseyjames · 1 year

Holly: Lifts up ring finger Kevin: Right back at you bitch! Flips her off

duckwizzle · 1 year

My personal favorite

Forensik · 1 year

I'd shoot Toby too after watching this

smplejohn · 1 year

Really? No one's brought up William Buttlicker? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT3IYkkWYiQ

citizen_lame · 1 year

Darryl: "Tell them your story Heday." Heday: "In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. On day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza died. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!"

Video Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQDIbfIpFyw

Teflonscribe · 1 year

"No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around, fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."-Dwight Shrute

originalnutta · 1 year

Gareth: I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

i_got_this · 1 year

The best part is that Toby is a lead writer on the show, meaning his probably wrote that line about himself

gradyp · 1 year

Not at all the best line. I've heard that one since high school.

Not that it's not a great line, there are just so many better ones. Tonight the Dinner Party episode was on, one of my favorite subtle lines from that is when Pam gives Jan a bottle of wine and Jan says something to the effect of "oh thank you, this will be great for cooking." I love those little subtle lines, such an incredibly bitchy thing to say, especially in the context of the episode where Jan was inconsiderate enough to need several hours to "braise the ossobuco."

SGT_756 · 1 year

Very recent,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wr2ae8EvQY

CHAMPANERIA · 1 year

I declair bankrupcy!!!

Nine_Inch_Nailed_IT · 1 year

Clearly the office's best moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC7v01Om9yQ

pimpybra · 1 year

I love:

Pam: Michael, 5K means five kilometers, not five thousand miles.

Makes me laugh every time I hear or see something about a 5k race.

ramerica · 1 year

Fool me once, strike one.

Fool me twice, strike three.

Dforlife · 1 year

I hate so much about what you choose to be. -Michael Scott to Toby

brentywat · 1 year

My friends call me toby. They say it's because i look and act like him but part of me suspects they just all hate me and keep me around for this really funny long term joke.

Bthulhu · 1 year

This always gets me.

Also when Karen thinks Phyllis's perfume stinks.

Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It’s made from real pine.

Karen: Who’s Bob Vance?

Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town sweetie.

tidu · 1 year

Michael vs. Toby has always been my favorite part of the show. Michael's concealed threats in the exit interview in Goodbye Toby are perfect. And Michael's reformed delivery of his questions is great too.

ju2tin · 1 year

Michael's decision makes sense, since Hitler and Bin Laden are already dead.

ieatstickers · 1 year

""You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky" - Michael Scott

ShapesforSounds · 1 year

Deleted scene. Michaels hunting trip. I can't understand how this wouldn't make the cut.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz9qoMCQPEc

Iron_Boy · 1 year

Dwight Schrute: So anyways she said that is the biggest penis I have ever seen, and I said I know! That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a "thousand" dollars. Oh hello Danny.

The Sting

Phallic · 1 year

It's... a pretty old joke.

ashwilliams · 1 year

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

[deleted] · 1 year

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdH5FT9iiK8

drewchebag · 1 year

Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?

Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

IthinkIthink · 1 year

I like it when Jim gets Dwight to beat himself up.

aceace1 · 1 year

Even though I prefer the UK version, the American version has gems like this

javier23 · 1 year

"So, what if the moon was your car and jupiter was your hairbrush??" - Andy Bernard

the more the series goes on, the more i'm convinced he's a huge stoner, no joke.

redlig · 1 year

Just looking at this image of Dwight, Michael and Jim in the car wearing mustaches cracks me up.

arsenal09490 · 1 year

For those of you who don't know... there is an r/DunderMifflin

OldSchoolIsh · 1 year

"Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them."

David Brent.

lyrrad16 · 1 year

Dwight: Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more, rise and be worthy of this historical hour.

No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself!

Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen...and women...of the world, unite.

We must never acquiesce. For it is together! Together that we prevail! We must never concede control of the motherland, for it is... Together that we prevail!

video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duZ4VSDmwNo

pawnzz · 1 year

This was THE quote that made me laugh, spit smoothie out my nose, then choke on it. All in a public restaurant on a blind date. Lets just say I never saw the guy again.

treitter · 1 year

I hear that saxophonists have the same joke but with Kenny G.

fase · 1 year

Zoidbort, you ignorant slut.

bdelgado · 1 year

Michael: "Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake."

rrearleii · 1 year

here I was expecting "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

FeminineOdor · 1 year

"I'm prison Mike!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sE_9WP76U_Q

Teflonscribe · 1 year

"Of course cage matches work, if they didn't, everyone would still be in the cage".-Michael Scott

messiahbastard · 1 year

Incorrect. Best quote is,"Boing." Gets me every time.

analogkid01 · 1 year

"Everyone knows how funny Cheech & Chong were. But just think how much funnier they'd be if they weren't high all the time."

Rirobuge · 1 year

I'm not superstitious... But I am a little stitious.

LuckyXIII · 1 year

http://i.imgur.com/p3wt3.jpg

BestCommentWinnerIs · 1 year

Michael: "No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull."

imadeathing · 1 year

My favourite... Dwight: "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's."

Crappy shakycam clip I found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctEs_7AoMFs

daftpunkfunk · 1 year

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day.

Michael Scott would fit right in with Reddit.

and_the_winner_is · 1 year

“The joke’s on you, Goldenface. That man was a wanted animal rapist.”

funny

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