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[–]profiteerer 1047 points1048 points ago

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You may get a more favorable response if you stop eating your dates.

[–][deleted] 162 points163 points ago

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Relevant

EDIT: Kind of sort of NSFW?

[–]mabub 85 points86 points ago

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That....was not what I was expecting.

[–]The_Dirty_Carl 140 points141 points ago

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At first it was weird, and then it was Japan.

[–]Ambitionlessness 8 points9 points ago

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Was about 2.5 Japans.

[–]PirateBuckley 17 points18 points ago

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... I ... :l ... Wha... Why?

[–]caehelnn 46 points47 points ago

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Kemonozume! AMAZING anime. The premise is that there have always been flesh-eating monsters that can disguise themselves as humans, as well as a secret society of monster-hunters that seek and destroy them, but all of a sudden ordinary humans are turning into monsters at an alarming rate. It's mostly a love story between a monster-hunter and a monster, but each episode begins with a short non-sequitor about a human turning into a monster (as you just witnessed). Highly recommended, even if you don't like anime in general - very mature.

[–]FearlessFreep 18 points19 points ago

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The premise is that there have always been flesh-eating monsters that can disguise themselves as humans, as well as a secret society of monster-hunters that seek and destroy them,

Oh, there's a novel plot for anime

[–]AdonisBucklar 7 points8 points ago

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But without anime, how else would we be able to ask:

What is hope?

Why do we love?

Why is the country so much better than the city? And why are the old ways so much better than the new ways?

Haven't we lost touch with nature?

Why does the brooding anti-hero lead the lonely life he does?

Do robots have souls?

These are important questions.

[–]berserkering[!] 1 point2 points ago

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I didn't like the art so I dropped it within 5 minutes in. :|

[–]Nantook 8 points9 points ago

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As I was watching this I was thinking to myself, "hmm, this isn't that bad, I wonder how this is relevant......HAHAHAHWTF"

[–]a_scanner_darkly 5 points6 points ago

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Wha...the...fuuuu...i did not see that coming.

[–]Nudge_Nudge_Wink_Win 5 points6 points ago

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Coming, eh? Do you, ah, come a lot? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more.

[–]maniaq 3 points4 points ago

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WHAT??

[–]quill18 4 points5 points ago

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Holy shit!

[–]ILuv2eat 4 points5 points ago

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ahgljlkajkldjkldlka...........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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What did I just watch???!!!

[–]ieatfatpeople 1 point2 points ago

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Happens to me every time.

[–]EXL8FALLEN 485 points486 points ago

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or not eating them out enough

[–]Mranthrope 378 points379 points ago

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Tastes like fish

[–]semanticsatiationlol 96 points97 points ago*

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surprisingly enough the familiar (to the internet) adage of "salty milk and coins" is not far from the truth when it comes to a woman's taste.... just sayin'

[–]nyxin 185 points186 points ago

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TIL I enjoy the taste of salty milk and coins

[–]SmoothWD40 16 points17 points ago

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If you can taste it, then you are not drunk enough.

[–]Pedgi 25 points26 points ago

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Are the women you're with so bad you have to destroy your sobriety before you can enjoy their bodies?

[–]bobdolebobdole 18 points19 points ago*

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Some guys just don't enjoy the flavor of it. Why is it that people on Reddit who love going down on girls are always on such a high-horse about it? People can have preferences.

Edit: Spelling + Grammar

Also...Just to respond more directly to your comment, some guys don't like it regardless of how "hot" the girl is. While your comment is getting upvoted, there's this particular kind of notion on sexxit that if you don't like going down on a girl there's something wrong with you. You can say you love going down on a girl and I can say I hate it. Only one of us is getting downvoted, but those two statements are just opposite ends of the guy's opinion regarding cunnilingus. Are people not allowed to say they hate things? Are you telling them what they should and should not hate? Are you suggesting that there's something wrong with a guy who does not have a taste for it? Just curious.

[–]refrigeratorbob 5 points6 points ago

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As long as you don't expect any different from her, then your preference is valid.

You could always dam that beaver if it's just a flavor issue.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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If you have to be drunk to go down on a girl you are mad selfish haha

[–]Tim-Tim 122 points123 points ago

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The coin taste is from the blood.

[–]a_scanner_darkly 125 points126 points ago

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They put coins up there!?

[–]Lambeau 73 points74 points ago

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Why do you think they call it a "coin purse?"

[–]wolfbaden6 55 points56 points ago

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Men have the coin purse. Women have the sausage wallet. Funny how in literal terms, men have wallets and women have purses.

[–]awesomeideas 42 points43 points ago

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Kinda makes you think, eh Lou?

[–]IJCQYR 28 points29 points ago

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Is everyone in this thread blazed out of their mind or something?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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You didn't get the memo?

[–]Lambeau 1 point2 points ago

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MmHmm.

[–]natalee_t 1 point2 points ago*

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This is reddit so...yeah probably.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]anwarbrown 4 points5 points ago

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Read with "Hot Pockets" theme music.

[–]magister0 9 points10 points ago

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A coin purse is a ballsack, brah.

[–]Sarah_Connor 4 points5 points ago

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A Brah is a boob wallet, yo.

[–]luckymcduff 10 points11 points ago

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...We don't.

[–]whats8 27 points28 points ago

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Yes you do.

[–]MrMacro 11 points12 points ago

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When the guys at the strip club run out of bills.

[–]a_scanner_darkly 5 points6 points ago

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Does that mean i can get change from a twenty now then?

[–]Radar_Monkey 6 points7 points ago

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What about me swiping my card?

[–]6h057 23 points24 points ago

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Mmm, my favorite spice.

[–]KeyboardDog 8 points9 points ago

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Red Badge of Courage. Achievement Unlocked!

[–]MrWoohoo 1 point2 points ago

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There must be a a actual list of achievements somewhere.

[–]CLVPX 12 points13 points ago

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The blood taste is from the coins.

[–]thereadlines 23 points24 points ago

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How do you know what coins taste like?

Fuck. How do I know what coins taste like?

[–]trollingisfun 9 points10 points ago*

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If you eat a hamburger with sweaty hands that have touched change, that's where you taste a lot of it.

edit: Nobody else has sweaty hands during summer? Heh.

[–]GooeyPeach 108 points109 points ago

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If you're sweating from eating a hamburger you should stop eating hamburgers.

[–]ThePensive 32 points33 points ago

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I bet I can eat 100 hamburgers.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago*

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[–]Sabrewolf 38 points39 points ago

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Well, I certainly applaud anyone wanting to eat 100 hamburgers, but take it from this old meat rat, I've spent my entire adult life eating hamburgers, and a program like this one can do more harm than good.

If you only eat hamburgers one part of your body (and that's all a single burger type like meat patties are going to do for you), you're setting yourself up for injuries down the road. I've seen it a hundred times.

Burgers basically only train the gut muscles and to some extent, the esophagus. What you really want to do is train your entire digestive system, all the major gut groups (esophagus, stomach, colon, liver, and kidneys) at the same time, over the course of a Big Mac meal. So, you will need to add large Big fries, and Large coke with it. Ask for the "Go Big" program.

I'm proud of you guys wanting to do this. Three big meals! Falling in love with eating burgers, etc., is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. And you WILL fall in love with it if you can just force yourself to stick with it a year or two and experience the amazing progress you'll make.

But do it right, okay?

My advice, find any McDonnald near you, with qualified burger flippers who will design your burger for you (especially in the beginning, until you get the hang of it yourself) and guide you in your quest for physical fatness. Three to 5 burgers a day, three days a week, is all you'll ever need to do (I refuse to believe anyone is so busy that he or she cannot make time for that, especially considering how important it is).

And don't worry about being embarrassed or not being out of shape the first time you walk into McDonnalds. You have to start somewhere and almost every one of us were there ourselves at one time. So no one will say anything to you and very, very quickly you will progress way beyond that stage anyway.

Now get out there and get fat! :-)

*TL;DR: Control+H, ENHANCE *

[–]FrankReynolds 2 points3 points ago

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Paying for hamburgers with change and wolfing them down so fast you sweat.

Pretty accurate description of the average redditor.

[–]Metaphex 15 points16 points ago

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I've never heard that adage before, but I can attest to its accuracy.

[–]giveitago 2 points3 points ago

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almonds

[–]Harinezumi 15 points16 points ago

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She's trying to poison you with arsenic.

[–]CarolusMagnus 14 points15 points ago

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She's trying to poison you with arsenic.

Know your poisons! Potassium cyanide=almonds, arsenic=odorless... (And don't ask where I know that from...)

[–]Kristler 5 points6 points ago

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Where do you know that from?

[–]fireflash38 3 points4 points ago

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Agatha Christie!

[–]revscat 9 points10 points ago

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And we loves it, precious, yesss so very much. Tasty fishes yess.

[–]alekgv 5 points6 points ago

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Ew. Get yo woman checked!

[–]daoom 1 point2 points ago

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More like "nectar of pleasure"

[–]Steddy_Eddy 25 points26 points ago*

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Tastes like Jolly Ranchers.

EDIT: Link for context.

[–]LonelyNixon 29 points30 points ago*

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Reddit will never forget the gonorrhea nodule

Edit: To those going "DUH dumbass he posted a link directly to it" I commented before he added context.

[–]foldor 25 points26 points ago

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Ugh, that story is forever burned into my memory.

[–]BryT40 13 points14 points ago

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I am mentally and emotionally scarred by the gonorrhoea nodule.

[–]Vulgaard 5 points6 points ago

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Care to provide an unscarred soul with a link to that story?

[–]jessymessy 8 points9 points ago

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You just had to go there, didn't you?

[–]captainlavender 1 point2 points ago

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Why, why did I read all those comments.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Yes, I assumed from the gif that he was a rapist.

[–]LeDucky 2 points3 points ago

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He can't feed on love. It's low in calories.

[–]palehorse864 1 point2 points ago

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I don't see why eating dates would affect your relationship. Dates are absolutely delicious, better than figs or raisins.

[–]bashnu 610 points611 points ago*

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Maybe avoid schools?

[–]annoyedatwork 30 points31 points ago

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[–]smkee 6 points7 points ago

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I had no idea there was a video for that. Memories of Dr. Demento.

[–]Discular 1 point2 points ago

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Best video I've watched in ages. This needs more upvotes... or I need to get out more.

[–]JHStarner 136 points137 points ago

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Talk with random chicks, for the halibut?

[–]tacodebacle 95 points96 points ago

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Cast a wider net

[–]anagoge 188 points189 points ago

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Master baiting.

[–]A_Real_Jercough 63 points64 points ago

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But never feel gillty about it.

[–]bigbleem 86 points87 points ago

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For cod's sake.

[–]A_Real_Jercough 32 points33 points ago

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Are we finished?

[–]scottcheloha 69 points70 points ago

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Get reel, we're only getting started.

[–]A_Real_Jercough 44 points45 points ago

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You can't lure me away from other posts.

[–]TalesAbound 40 points41 points ago

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I'll sea to it this thread continues

[–]caehelnn 8 points9 points ago

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Carpe Diem, I always say.

[–]Seakawn 7 points8 points ago

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Are we finished?

[–]ram0s 6 points7 points ago

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How did i not sea that?

[–]thebudgie 6 points7 points ago

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It's the one that got away!

[–]Ranlier 6 points7 points ago

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DON'T TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!!!!

...sorry, didn't mean to snapper.

[–]EmperorNortonI 4 points5 points ago

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stop telling them about your ichthys

[–]PoopNoodle 6 points7 points ago

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If you are smooth, they should fall for you, hook, line and sinker.

[–]SigmundDali 8 points9 points ago

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I pronounce this pun thread "Fin".

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Try just flowing with the current.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I thought you said "Cast a wider nut" and cracked up, oh well.

[–]Camerongilly 273 points274 points ago

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There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you're not in the sea.

You're in the desert.

Alone.

[–]PostPostModernism 62 points63 points ago

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There are plenty of fish in the sea... for when I run out of women.

[–]Law_Student 6 points7 points ago*

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There are people who actually have sexual relationships with female dolphins. Supposedly the dolphins enjoy it, showing up repeatedly to, well, you know. They also have casual sex among themselves.

[–]PostPostModernism 7 points8 points ago

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I mean, I guess that's cool... if you're a mammal-lover. ::walks off in disgust::

[–]emoneyaz 88 points89 points ago

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Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

[–]spencewah 8 points9 points ago

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You look down and see a tortoise.

[–]meowmix4jo 1 point2 points ago

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The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

[–]waffleninja 275 points276 points ago

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Hit the swim, dolphin up.

[–]johnq-pubic 272 points273 points ago

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Delete Fishbook.

[–]anagoge 105 points106 points ago

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Like a girl? Give herring.

[–]likwidfuzion 178 points179 points ago

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LIKE A BASS.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ColdShoulder 29 points30 points ago

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Bitch, I'm a bass!

[–]rectalarea 134 points135 points ago

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Just hunt in packs, and go for the sick and the elderly.

[–]Scotteh 66 points67 points ago

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Go for the weaker, less experienced, juveniles

[–]Buckwheat469 43 points44 points ago

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Go for the defenseless newborns.

[–]Lufiere 26 points27 points ago

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Go for the untouched fetuses! Wait a minute, I think I just went too far. . .

[–]jdtix 24 points25 points ago

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Go for the seame--nevermind.

[–]LonelyNixon 18 points19 points ago

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The seamen? It's brilliant! Humans are really bad swimmers.

[–]MaximusQc 2 points3 points ago

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Go for the eggs, drink from the red river.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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The overweight ones are easier to catch.

[–]a_scanner_darkly 3 points4 points ago

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They try harder as well.

[–]theblackcrayon 171 points172 points ago

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So you're a predator that goes to schools to pick up smaller creatures that try to run from you?

[–]99ovr 70 points71 points ago

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Don't judge me, bro!

[–]LonelyNixon 32 points33 points ago

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She said she was 18... she just keeps failing the 3rd grade because her teacher hates her.

[–]whert 8 points9 points ago

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Or really loves her.

[–]akong_supern00b 4 points5 points ago

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Competition...

[–]davidrools 28 points29 points ago

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Just stay really still, wait a while, and grab one when it comes close.

[–]Telid 17 points18 points ago

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Ah, the ambush predator. He waits, patiently, for his prey to pass. Waiting for just the right moment to strike.

I'll see you, in the bushes...

[–]jdzz 72 points73 points ago

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stop being a predator.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points ago

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Or, rather, become a better predator.

[–]dghughes 12 points13 points ago

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Hit on aliens.

[–]Not_Remotely_Related 225 points226 points ago

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I've often found it difficult to differentiate between big puddles and seas myself. This one time I was sailing with Captain Cubone and he was singing some crazy songs like we were pirates and having a jolly time, and it wasn't until hours later until I realized I was just really high rolling around in a puddle in my driveway with a plush pokemon

[–]noonches 68 points69 points ago

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I don't care if it's related or not, I found that extremely informative.

[–]lawfairy 19 points20 points ago

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Hey now, this is remotely related because it mentions big puddles and seas.

[–]not_at_all_relevant 16 points17 points ago

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[–]Skitrel 2 points3 points ago

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Wait.. What?

That's like.. What?

...

What? O_o

[–]confoundedvariable 1 point2 points ago

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I want to live your life.

[–]godThisSucks 64 points65 points ago

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Try dating humans.

[–]i_adler 9 points10 points ago

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It's my fault, I didn't enunciate. I said "girls," antris heard "gills."

[–]manjar 11 points12 points ago

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One tip: Master baiting.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points ago

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I've got you covered:

  • Demonstrate value
  • Engage physically
  • Nurture dependence
  • Neglect emotionally
  • Inspire hope
  • Separate entirely

[–]FrankReynolds 29 points30 points ago

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Or just carry Magnum condoms between your wad of $100s, like I do.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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Oh look! I dropped my monster condom, for my magnum dong!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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But then you only get the scraps of the guy who's swimming in the wake of the guy using the DENNIS system.

[–]NinjaPimp 2 points3 points ago

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Actually, that comes in after the MAC strategy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Mac swims in Dennis' wake, and Frank gets Mac's scraps.

[–]Peatore 24 points25 points ago

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I've ran the system.

It actually works pretty well on girls that have a predisposition to being clingy. So pretty much all girls

HEYOOOO!

[–]r_u_sure 1 point2 points ago

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I prefer night crawlers

[–]jonnielaw 10 points11 points ago

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forever a loach

[–]gargamak[!] 18 points19 points ago

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[–]manjar 6 points7 points ago

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You're not the guy who likes pooping in his pants, are you?

[–]Harbltron 6 points7 points ago

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"Forever abalone"

[–]joshdick 1 point2 points ago

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Damn, you beat me to it.

Have an upvote.

[–]nteeka 7 points8 points ago

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Inb4 forever alo-

Fuck it. It'll be 'forever alone' all the way down the comments.

[–]flip314 25 points26 points ago

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I'd try deodorant.

[–]Improvize 11 points12 points ago

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You need to boost your speed stats next time you level up.

HTH

[–]Recoil42 6 points7 points ago

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I'd just like to point out that the shorturl for this submission is redd.it/fuhml. Pretty appropriate.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Aren't you a little old to be dating minnows?

[–]arsenal7777 3 points4 points ago

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[–]ynnek1317 3 points4 points ago

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I'm gonna favorite this and post it in a week with the same caption and get just as much karma as you.

[–]dzle 4 points5 points ago

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I showed this image to a female coworker. She liked it, it sparked a conversation.

We're going out to dinner tonight.

[–]Truth_Master 4 points5 points ago

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Was it just me or did the school of fish ironically look like a heart?

[–]voidminded 5 points6 points ago

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[–]Skitrel 3 points4 points ago

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This definitely belongs in /r/foreveralone

[–]mistertoads 3 points4 points ago

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My grandmother used to say "There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you need a pole to catch them".

[–]lilhottie420 2 points3 points ago

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that's what wingmen are for, to scare the fish right into your mouth. I mean, to scare your dick into their mouth. I mean... get a wingman.

[–]flargenhargen 2 points3 points ago

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I like how there's one minnow in the middle that's just like "hey, where's everybody going?" but it still doesn't get eaten. I think the big one is just fucking with them, or he's already full.

[–]RarneyBubble 2 points3 points ago

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Forever ashore.

[–]LondonLass 2 points3 points ago

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Swim away! Swim away!

[–]PoochDoobie 2 points3 points ago

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so you are a different species, 50 times the size of everyone else, and also eat them. ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE REPUSIVE?

[–]etherghost 3 points4 points ago*

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gray shark just want love

[–]Wiggles69 2 points3 points ago

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Is that the 'Friend Zone' i've been hearing so much about?

[–]blueballoon 7 points8 points ago

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Forever a fish.

[–]deadbeef404 32 points33 points ago

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Forever abolone?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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Stop eating your dates.

[–]Stick 8 points9 points ago

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[–]EntropysChild 4 points5 points ago

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DAE see math and flocking algorithms watching that clip?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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It would help to not be a shark.

[–]johnnygrant 1 point2 points ago

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what? you are a gay fish?

[–]neoky 1 point2 points ago

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So your 20 times the size of any girl, and you will devour them for nourishment once you catch one?

[–]IDriveAVan 1 point2 points ago

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That happens a lot when you outweigh potential dates by a hundredfold.

[–]phobolene 1 point2 points ago

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Forever abalone.

[–]cephas_rock 1 point2 points ago

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Tantalus the Fish

[–]ST2K 1 point2 points ago

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that's so elegant, you could almost write an equation for it. i'd start with flocking algorithms and work from there.

[–]MekkaLekkaHigh 1 point2 points ago

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Ok, I see your problem. You should be trying to fuck other sharks.

[–]battlemetal 1 point2 points ago

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When I repost, I get mauled. When someone else reposts something I put up, they win reddit. Upvote for you!

[–]Sirtet 1 point2 points ago

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Feels a bit like me too, funny enough if you notice they follow him to. I have many that follow but none that want to get close...I wonder if that fish hears the same story...Oh no I don't want a relationship, besides I think of you as a brother, and I don't want to ruin what we got together

[–]CaseyG 1 point2 points ago

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[–]SolarClipz 1 point2 points ago

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Every week, I come across one post that makes me think "This is the most genius thing I have ever seen."

Congrats, you are the weekly winner.

[–]MCWhitebread 1 point2 points ago

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Ah, the 'stink of desperation'. . .

[–]maxpower7 1 point2 points ago

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stop trying to eat the opposite sex and trick them into dating you

[–]dark_roast 1 point2 points ago

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[–]BuryYouInHonesty 1 point2 points ago

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hey EVERYONE SAYING SALTY MILK AND COINS, IT'S NOT FUCKING COOL TO REPEAT EVERYTHING YOU HEAR FROM 4CHAN. IDIOTS, YOU WOULD FUCKING VOMIT IF YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

[–]jorgesum 1 point2 points ago

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My relationships, in piscine metaphors:

I'M A SHAAAARRK! I'M A SHAAARRRRK!

SUCK MY DIIIIIIIICK! I'M A SHAAAAARRRRRRKK!!!

[–]Jonathan_the_Nerd 1 point2 points ago

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Your relationships are like animated GIFs? Wow, you really are unfortunate.

[–]RobSpewack 1 point2 points ago

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I clicked this earlier, and thanks to the work firewall, got a screen that said "Access Denied."

Still, that's about right.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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thats a bullshit philosophy

[–]thetafferboy 1 point2 points ago

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If anyone is interested, this GIF was made from my work colleague's video of his honeymoon in the Maldives. Original video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KasJjuuaCiM

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Forever deboned.

[–]Agile_Cyborg 1 point2 points ago

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Work is more likely when contending with simple masses seeking only to survive.