And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on the phone in the bathroom

digdugdiggy · 1 year

Such good writing, the descriptive words make me laugh the most:

-"resonant frequency"

-"eldritch", "miasma"

Delfishie · 1 year

I was with him until the part where he didn't flush the toilet. Fuck him and fuck everyone who doesn't flush the toilet in a public restroom. Anyone who does this is a fucking animal who needs to take a class to learn how to behave as a decent human being.

dumbasswaiter · 1 year

[deleted]

dannyr · 1 year

I learned to stop reading Reddit while I'm dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool. My co-workers know me as "the guy who stifles his own laughter in the can"

ju2tin · 1 year

First saw this one about 10 years ago. But it's always nice to introduce the next generation to the classics.

Nicoscope · 1 year

My new favorite euphemism for shitting: "Making Big Things Happen!"

PresidentJonStewart · 1 year

This is the first time in a long time i actually literally laughed (rather than laughing in my mind, you know, the normal 'heh' thought that appears a lot on reddit)..guess it's a literal LOL =)

Except, the problem is that I'm sick and laughing = coughing = x.x Can't even finish reading this =(

puterTDI · 1 year

I have a rule.

If someone starts talking on the phone in the bathroom, I do one of two things:

1) Let off the nastiest fart I can force out

2) flush the toilet. Multiple times.

Preferably the first, but the second if that option is not available.

NorthernSkeptic · 1 year

Ah reddit, bringing you the best of 4chan FIVE YEARS LATER.

Halfawake · 1 year

I'm proud to share a planet with the man who wrote this story.

hvernon · 1 year

You should never talk on the phone in the bathroom because it's extremely uncouth. Anyone that talks on the phone in the bathroom shouldn't be permitted a cell phone.

doctechnical · 1 year

Poetry.

Damien-at-SF · 1 year

Honest to freaking god that is the funniest thing I have ever read on reddit. My throat and face hurt from laughing and the tears actually pooled on my desk. Hats off to you sir.

WoopsYouDead · 1 year

I opened a bunch of tabs and thought I was reading,

" Best Bedtime-Story Ever ."

Boy was I confused!

THEJinx · 1 year

Dude, eat a vegetable! That demon poopie canNOT be healthy!

kneeonbelly · 1 year

[deleted]

polaralex · 1 year

[deleted]

iamdan1 · 1 year

I think this guy lived in my dorm freshman year. I always wondered how shit could be plastered an inch thick on the entire inside of a toilet bowl.

Probablythefirst · 1 year

As told by craigslist.

SUPERsharpcheddar · 1 year

favorite lines:

tell the kids... love them... oh God...
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness...
I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

panda__pants · 1 year

This story happened to a friend of mine....

This friend, we'll call him Jeremy because that's his name, went into a public bathroom to do some business. He enters the stall and sits down to work his magic. Meanwhile, another gentleman comes in and goes into the stall next to Jeremy's. The following conversation ensues:

Random pooping dude: Hello
Jeremy: Hello
Random pooping dude: How's it going?
Jeremy: Okay I guess...?
Random pooping dude: What are you up to tonight?
Jeremy: Ummm...nothing?
Random pooping dude: Hang on a second, man...some jackass in the next stall keeps talking to me.

At this point Jeremy realized the dude was on the phone and pretty much high tailed it out of there to avoid having to face the random pooping dude.

Another excellent example of the kind of awkwardness that can happen when you talk on the phone in the restroom. :)

[deleted] · 1 year

For all of the people who say 'tldr': If you ever choose to read only one long submission in your life, this is it right here. It's well worth your time to read it unless you don't like humor.

Thrasymachus · 1 year

Ladies and gentlemen: this is a repost.

However, we will upvote it because it is an AWESOME repost.

Fuck yeah, post this like five more times. I still laugh my ass off.

mattmn011 · 1 year

I laughed until it hurt, then kept laughing until I cried. I then preceded to walk away from my monitor because I still could not breath. Followed by my roommate yelling WTF are you doing. (hes gotta work at 6am its all ready 2am). Well played good sir well played.

beefstick86 · 1 year

applause

nikniuq · 1 year

The cistern should be sized smaller than the toilet bowl to prevent the overflow issue.

Also miasma is a much under utilised word.

Bunneh · 1 year

Great read. I laughed out loud several times.

markus57 · 1 year

This is sooooo incredibly stale copy pasta.

but it cracks me up everytime I read it...

s3b_ · 1 year

My back..... oh god... it's hurting... I can't stop laughing...

MsHellsing · 1 year

As I grow older, I find that I am less susceptible to toilet humor.

That's a lie. I nearly pulled something laughing. Score one for honest to god toilet humor!

Poop!

zanacks · 1 year

That was the funniest/dumbest thing I've read all week. ROFL indeed.

[deleted] · 1 year

This made me feel really sorry for the janitor =/

kibble · 1 year

Every couple of weeks there's another story circulating about massive shits, diarrheal disasters, chaotic coils, or other evacuation legends. It comforts me to think that a turd tale still gets a good giggle out of people, not just the Germans.

pizzaface200 · 1 year

I've seen this before but it still makes makes me laugh out load. I also love the writing style this guy has.

shatteredmindofbob · 1 year

Every time I hear someone talking on their cellphone in a bathroom stall, I sit there wishing I could do this on command.

kneeonbelly · 1 year

OH MY GOD I laughed so hard at this. For some reason eloquent poop stories are the funniest things I read on Reddit. There was an AMA or a DAE that I read a few weeks back about shitting your pants in public as an adult. I was in tears for over an hour reading OP's story and the comments.

ThiefOfDens · 1 year

"Anal Symphony" would be a great name for a band.

JuiceBoxed · 1 year

Holy Shit.

SirNoitall · 1 year

"flapping in the breeze" Gets me every single time. Without fail.

blurghh · 1 year

this is the funniest thing i have ever read on reddit. It's reading break at my dorm right now so you could probably hear the cackling of my laughter all the way down the empty halls....

thank you to whoever posted this and to everyone who upvoted it to the front page. well worth the read.

cork5 · 1 year

in a similar vein and just as awesome

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/323013997.html

adez23 · 1 year

This is the greatest and most inspiring story I have read in my entire life. Thank you.

mrhebehebe · 1 year

Great story! The conversational tone, delivery, and the transitions were all spot on! But one thing bugged me. Towards the end, you mentioned that you checked the adjacent stall, but the bowl was empty, so then... who was phone?

OrSomething · 1 year

Saw the title, imagined a story involving a one-armed man.

pepperstonelove · 1 year

I just got rejected from grad school for the 2nd year In a row today. This cheered me right up

chezyt · 1 year

After a considerable amount of paperwork...

Classic!

bg785 · 1 year

Yea who ever wrote that is a genius. He needs to stop writing code and start writing scripts.

delanger · 1 year

What a load of shit.

MissMister · 1 year

One time I didn't poo for a month. No, I'm not kidding, it was an actual month. I take a lot of pain pills, and it almost completely stops your bowels. It felt like there was a rock inside my ass, and I would contract but it wouldn't come out. It was like nothing I've ever felt, pure agony.

One night I'm sitting there, hoping that this will end soon, when I feel the intense urge to take a piss. I had been holding it for hours, for fear that if I went to take said piss, my little friend would think she was ready to come out and get...stuck.

"We'll take this one step at a time, Jay, one step at a time" I said to myself.

I slowly shifted out of my bed, standing up hunched over. She was literally preventing me from standing upright. I, with great difficulty, limped my way out of my bedroom door and into the hallway.

I remember thinking, "I can only pray I don't have a contraction while I'm standing up" Right as I thought that, a contraction comes. This one's bad, pushing pretty hard. I clench with all my will but she's literally inching her way out. I lean against the wall, sweat running down my face, waiting for this to end. Finally it does. But the relief is temporary for another one immediately follows.

"This is it," I thought, "This the final stretch"

I practically crawl into the bathroom, urgency gripping me. I rip the toilet lid open and slam my ass down on it.

It felt like I was giving birth to the anti-christ. I literally thought I was going to die, but the adrenaline numbed a lot of the pain.

Suddenly, I hear a "plop, plop" It's a very small fraction of It coming out. I wanted to give up. To wait for tomorrow. To get surgery, anything but this. But something inside me said "One more. One more push is all you need, then this hell will end"

I gripped the rim of the bowl, my knuckles turning white, staring intensely at the white tile floor. I gave one final push, and it was over. She was out.

I didn't have much time to look at it, for I ran into my mother's room screaming, "I DID IT, I DID IT! IT'S OVER!" and dancing. Mother danced with me. I woke up my grandmother and told her, too.

Mom flushed It before I could get a good look. She said it looked like elephant poo. Can you imagine a full month of Hardee's compiled in my little bowels? It boggles the mind.

I hope you enjoyed my little story.

BoLevar · 1 year

This used to be called "Mobile Diarrhea Jihad" on Wikichan before that site died. Funniest shit ever.

Jasonrj · 1 year

"Resonance frequency" is when I started crying.

cocotel · 1 year

I am saddened that I have but one upvote to give to this submission.

I tried three times to get the coffee cup near my lips and failed each time with paralyzing laughter.

[deleted] · 1 year

People don't wash their asses after pooping? So you literally walk with dried excrement hanging from his ass? Nasty..

I've never used a public bathroom in my life, and I never will. If you can make a rule that pooping in public places is not an option, then you will be able to hold it until you get home.

[deleted] · 1 year

I laughed so much I teared up.

radojcsj · 1 year

UpBoat for making me laugh out loud in a very quite IT office :)

dirty_hose · 1 year

I knew I had read this before... Here's the source on poopreport.com from 2004 as written by H.R. Poopnsquirt. That site has a monster load of these kinds of great poop stories if you're into that kind of thing.

Korvar · 1 year

"I managed to find the resonant frequency of the stall, and it shook gently."

saxmanb · 1 year

I used to frequent poopreport.com quite a lot. This story illustrates why. Perfect.

link287 · 1 year

Begone foul Demon shit! The power of Fiber compels you!

DinoJr14 · 1 year

That's why you always leave a note!

[deleted] · 1 year

I broke a school toilet once.

iluvreddit · 1 year

For your copy / paste enjoyment:

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied.

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

GimmeCat · 1 year

Sorry, I couldn't believe it because of the "don't make it... tell kids I love them".

poser_in_a_parka · 1 year

This is the hardest i have laughed today.

weddit · 1 year

I'm going to be that guy, and complain about the punchline in the title.

gringo411 · 1 year

Read this on the toilet on my phone; almost dropped it in from laughing so hard.

Sly_R · 1 year

For those who enjoyed this: www.poopreport.com

aurath · 1 year

Anyone notice he used zero-based indexing?

terriblecomic · 1 year

oh cool a picture of text of a story that 4chan stole that has been reposted many times on reddit ಠ_ಠ

annoyedcamel · 1 year

This actually made me snicker and laugh out loud...though quietly, people are sleeping.

rhombus2210 · 1 year

This is an OPUS

[deleted] · 1 year

Nice. A repost where nobody says it's a repost. It's my first one.

Shadefox · 1 year

I've read this thing..... I don't know how many times.

And each time it sends me crying laughter, no joke. Dunno what it is about it.

funny

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

MODERATORS

funny

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

MODERATORS

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login