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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]flim_springfield 493 points494 points ago

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I like how it also says "Triple Team Traffic."

[–]throwaway123454321 163 points164 points ago

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I call it "family style"

[–]SmartAssX 22 points23 points ago

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Aristocrats?

[–]MyNightmare 18 points19 points ago

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[–]EonHawk 6 points7 points ago

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Is it bad that I know all the songs to that by heart?

[–]travelerr 2 points3 points ago

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well played sir. I must now test rule 34 on this.

To Google!!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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Idiocracy.

[–]Loud_Secretary 87 points88 points ago*

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HE'S CLIMIN' IN YO WINDOWS...

[–]patman21 16 points17 points ago

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HE'S SNATCHIN' YO PEOPLE UP!

[–]BlameArticuno 85 points86 points ago

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30% Chance of not-rape...Challenge Accepted.

[–]purpaderp 50 points51 points ago

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"And now the Sports with Joe Sodomite"

[–]drzaeus 46 points47 points ago

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Note to [S]:

Post this in /r/Atlanta and you'll probably get some upvotes.

[–]Sharpieninja 48 points49 points ago

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I live near Atlanta and the report was right. I got tagged twice on my way home from work in traffic.

[–]Tgg161 19 points20 points ago

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Think of it as a birthday surprise.

[–]GotTheHotsForMyAunt 12 points13 points ago

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I wonder if he had to blow anything other than candles.

[–]zpweeks 2 points3 points ago

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Relevant username, as well.

[–]nemec 101 points102 points ago

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1,204 points (77% like it)
1,711 up votes

Atlanta
1,540 readers

I think he'll be okay...

[–]GotTheHotsForMyAunt 23 points24 points ago

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Wow, only 1,540 people in Atlanta can read? I would have thought it was more.

[–]OfficerMudkip 34 points35 points ago

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Clearly you've never been to Atlanta...

[–]staffell 8 points9 points ago

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Well well, we've got us a reader. Whatcha readin' for?

[–]birdman619 3 points4 points ago

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I like how I came to the comments thinking that nobody would've noticed that other than me. And then saw it was the top comment. Story of my life.

[–]bmcelroy 11 points12 points ago

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So this is the weather for Queensland Australia, right?

[–]flabbergasted1 4 points5 points ago

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Yeah, and I love "13 MIN SOUTHBOUND FROM WADE GREEN TO I-285".

What were we talking about?

[–]LadyDub 8 points9 points ago

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I LIVE ON WADE GREEN :( I just got home from work, so happy to not get raped today.

EDIT: Please don't come rape me now that you know where I live.

[–]ReaverXai 3 points4 points ago

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>> PANEL

[–]Iggyhopper 4 points5 points ago

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syntax error

[–]pounds 13 points14 points ago

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fap fap fap

[–]ryant9878 3 points4 points ago

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It was inevitable that I see this comment somewhere on the page, but still, upvote.

[–]myusernameonreddit 387 points388 points ago

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Better get my rape boots...

[–]meltedlaundry 194 points195 points ago

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I keep mine right by my verbally accosted for no reason hat.

[–]LuxNocte 128 points129 points ago

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PUT YOUR FUCKING HAT ON, BITCH!

[–]rayne117 49 points50 points ago

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PIZZA'S NOT FOR BREAKFAST

[–]Makido 40 points41 points ago

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You want pizzapits?

[–]vanuhitman 3 points4 points ago

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... That's not something I was hoping to hear right after getting done with my shift at Papa Johns...

[–]LokitAK 13 points14 points ago

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PIZZA!?

For BREAKFAST!?

New Pizza Puff Cereal!

[–]polymorph505 13 points14 points ago

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WHO PICKED ALL THE GOD DAMN PEPPERONI OUT OF THE BOX?

[–]BrandoTheNinjaMaster 9 points10 points ago

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WHEN IT'S ON A BAGEL I CAN EAT PIZZA ANYTIME

[–]JadeNB 6 points7 points ago

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I went trying to find a source for the following quote, which I vaguely remember as being due to Katherine Hepburn:

I have a very aggressive hat. Sometimes I look at it and I think, “Whom shall I wear my hat at today?”

and it turns out there's both an aggressive hat store and an aggressively hatted police force. One awaits only the inevitable Rule 34 manifestation (possibly involving the Sorting Hat).

[–]salliek76 2 points3 points ago

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A week ago, under the headline “Police accused of not smiling enough”, he and his squad of four officers were lambasted in the Arran Banner by the chairman of the island’s community council, Campbell Laing. Prominent among Mr Laing’s charges was the “aggressive way” the officers were wearing their hats.

What is wrong with this newspaper?!? They write an article about aggressive hats and don't include any photos? This is journalism at its worst.

[–]macktastick 30 points31 points ago

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Hyphens, man! Took me three tries to read that properly. Sad, because it was hilarious.

[–]JediExile 25 points26 points ago

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I keep my hyphens next to my has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like meme jar.


[–]macktastick 26 points27 points ago

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My internal lexical analyzer just quit. Thanks a lot.

[–]ferroaj 19 points20 points ago

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I thought you wrote "Hymens, man!"

[–]macktastick 9 points10 points ago

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Nope, but thank you for this new expletive.

[–]deuteros 96 points97 points ago

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It's raping cats and dogs.

[–]Shrubber 17 points18 points ago

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The city has received 12 inches of rape this week.

[–]bpat 13 points14 points ago

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Ah, another one of those days...

[–]colloquy 12 points13 points ago

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...and rape hat.

[–]orwellsanimal 17 points18 points ago

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And my driving whiskey...

[–]zmanovzhour 5 points6 points ago

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Don't forget your rape coat! I heard it's gonna rape hard!

[–]onefingerattack 8 points9 points ago

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These boots were made for raping, and that's just what they'll do... One of these days these boots are gonna help me rape you.

[–]popiyo 223 points224 points ago

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How many inches of rape are you expecting?

[–]zerries 190 points191 points ago

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I normally get about 6 on average, but I'm always prepared for 10.

[–]Shredder13 90 points91 points ago

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I came. I MEAN LAUGHED!

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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With Rape-Axe I'm always prepared.

[–]gbgftw 240 points241 points ago*

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You know what they say, after rape comes sunshine.

Edit: so...many...rape jokes. I...I had no idea.

Hivemind creativity never ceases to amaze me.

[–]Baukelien 165 points166 points ago

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Into every life a little rape must fall.

As right as rape.

It's raping cats and dogs.

...

[–]clampSandwiches 310 points311 points ago

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It's like rape on your wedding day.

[–][deleted] 164 points165 points ago

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How ironic.

[–][deleted] 122 points123 points ago

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That almost actually does satisfy the conditions for irony.

[–]andan 108 points109 points ago

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But it does not satisfy the bride. I'm jus' sayin'.

[–]Mr_Tulip 88 points89 points ago

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Unless she's the rapist.

[–]counterfitfake 90 points91 points ago

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Ohhh, because the surgeon was his MOM! I get it.

[–]rayne117 17 points18 points ago

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I never got that joke. I still don't.

[–]jak0bk 16 points17 points ago

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No soap, radio!

[–]PineappleMeister 6 points7 points ago

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A man and his son were in an automobile accident. The man died on the way to the hospital, but the boy was rushed into surgery. The emergency room surgeon said "I can't operate, that's my son!" How is this possible?

[–]Shredder13 15 points16 points ago

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A woman rapist!?!?! Surely you can't be serious!

[–]Strmtrper6 32 points33 points ago

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He is serious, and don't call him Shirley.

[–]NovemberXSun 6 points7 points ago

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I miss him already...

[–]viciousnemesis 5 points6 points ago

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Why does everyone keep calling me Shirley?!

[–]NovemberXSun 6 points7 points ago

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Its a big building with lots of windows, but that's not important.

[–]antimatter3009 5 points6 points ago

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Wait, is the fact that this line was used in a case that (almost) satisfies the conditions for irony actually ironic in itself?

[–]ThatsSoKafkaesque 5 points6 points ago

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everyone knows Alannis Morrissette is an incredibly successful (and subtle) troll. She made the song ironic by making nothing in the lyrics actually ironic.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]InfiniteImagination 31 points32 points ago

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That would really rape on your parade.

[–]sicnevol 7 points8 points ago

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The rape in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

[–]onlyonemikea 16 points17 points ago

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Let the rape fall down And wake my dreams Let it wash away My sanity

-hillary duff

[–]whereduzdisco 3 points4 points ago

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The Weather Girls - It's Raping Men

[–]ViciousChicken 8 points9 points ago

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Oh how I wish / For soothing rape / All I wish is to dream again -Nightwish

[–]flabbergasted1 36 points37 points ago

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It's raping men! Hallelujah, it's raping men!

[–]OldTimeGentleman 12 points13 points ago

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I'm siiiiinging in the raaape !

[–]kciuq1 4 points5 points ago

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Ok, now where is I_RAPE_CATS when you need him?

[–]sockpuppets 13 points14 points ago

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I'm only happy when it rapes.

It's raping men... hallelujah it's raping men.

I stopped by the strip club and made it rape.

[–]bpat 6 points7 points ago

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Nothing like the beauty of a rainbow after a rape.

Well, there will probably full of double rainbow with all the raping today.

[–]TycoBrahe 17 points18 points ago

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You mean to say a full on Double Rapebow?

[–]hivoltage815 6 points7 points ago

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So rapeman is the one who is good with numbers right?

[–]ilikesinging 41 points42 points ago

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I can see clearly now, the rape is gone...

[–]krispykrackers 18 points19 points ago

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all I can say is that my life is pretty plain, and I start to complain when there's no rape

[–]theblasphemer 26 points27 points ago

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If you hear thunder does that mean rape is coming?

[–]srmatto 25 points26 points ago

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If you count the number of seconds between the lightning and the rape, you know how far away the rapist is.

[–]ThatsItGuysShowsOver 22 points23 points ago

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It means rape is inevitable.

[–]skandhi 11 points12 points ago

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Criticism, like rape, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots. -Frank Howard Clark

[–]taryuken 80 points81 points ago

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Those meteorologists never get it right. Probably won't get any rape until next week.

[–]wikipedia 144 points145 points ago

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Contrary to widespread belief, rape outdoors is rare. Over two thirds of all rapes occur in someone's home. 31% occur in the perpetrators' homes, 27% in the victims' homes and 10% in homes shared by the victim and perpetrator.

[–]likwidfuzion 55 points56 points ago

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Where's the other 32% at?

[–]wikipedia 88 points89 points ago

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7% occur at parties, 7% in vehicles, 4% outdoors and 2% in bars.

[–]Kinereous 53 points54 points ago

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And the other 12%?

[–]wikipedia 259 points260 points ago

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the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.

[–]undstudent 13 points14 points ago

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Water, all over my brand-new Logitech keyboard.

[–]palijer 22 points23 points ago

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you mean rape all over your keyboard

[–]hamhead 71 points72 points ago

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Glenn Beck's home.

[–]Darkhavans 1 point2 points ago

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Glenn Beck must be a pretty horny dude to account for 12% of all rapes.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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2% in a bar?

[–]sockpuppets 49 points50 points ago

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Waiter, I'll have what she's having.

[–]Tainaka 3 points4 points ago

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WC perhaps.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]sciencesaves 5 points6 points ago

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That's discomforting... it could just as well be "dungeon"

[–]fizban7 3 points4 points ago

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Space!

[–]diuge 5 points6 points ago

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It's so convenient being able to ask Wikipedia a question and get a response.

[–]bdog2g2 14 points15 points ago

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That's what THEY want you to think.

[–]bpat 25 points26 points ago

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Nice try, rapist.

[–]bdog2g2 42 points43 points ago

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I'll take The Rapist for $400

[–]maverickrenegade 8 points9 points ago

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After spending that $400 I will need therapist as well.

[–]bdog2g2 11 points12 points ago

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SUCK IT TREBEK! SUCK IT LONG! SUCK IT HARD!

[–]moneybadger 87 points88 points ago

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Weather like this is why I left Haiti.

[–]Shredder13 13 points14 points ago

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@_@

[–]Toloran 27 points28 points ago

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For the record:

Closed Caption for live broadcasts are done by a human being with a steno machine (the same used by court reporters). The most common key-combination stroke for "Rain" is one key off of "Rape." So if you miss that one key (easy to do if you are in a hurry and don't press the key hard enough), you get Rape instead of Rain.

Fun Fact: The same is true with "Lawyer" and "Liar"

[–]headless_bourgeoisie 36 points37 points ago

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I think I'll go out today...

[–]belhamster 31 points32 points ago

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my thoughts exactly. time to take a stroll and break this slump.

[–]BlackLeatherRain 15 points16 points ago

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I'm kinda likin' those odds, myself.

[–]axe319 9 points10 points ago

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Well they didn't specify if it's man rape.I'm kind of liking the chances myself.

[–]axe319 2 points3 points ago

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Well they didn't specify if it's man rape..

[–]Mackinstyle 46 points47 points ago

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If my job was to write on-the-fly closed captions, I would do that all the time.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]netdroid9 44 points45 points ago

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Wait, captionists have different keyboards to normal typewriter/computer layouts?

[–][deleted] 50 points51 points ago

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[–]Absentia 20 points21 points ago

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Thanks for that share, I had no idea how radically different court stenographers and closed-captionists keyboards were. Looking at the printout of what they have to type to get a certain output seems pretty crazy too. Finally, the sheer speed they type at is something I've never considered, 375 WPM is insane.

[–]adoggz 15 points16 points ago

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TIL

[–]flamyngo 5 points6 points ago

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Yeah, why? Can't they just type as fast as people talk?

[–]Smight 6 points7 points ago

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how does making a 4 letter word take 6 keystrokes make it faster?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]sciencesaves 16 points17 points ago

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MIND = BLOWN

[–]ostrichheaven 12 points13 points ago

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Also, you can use the shorthand to write entire phrases. For instance, I can write the entire phrase "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury" in one stroke--L A I R J (HRAIRPBLG). 'Do you have the' is D O U F T (TKOUFT). 'Existence or non-existence' = X O R N S (KPORPBS), 'What did you say' = W H A * U B S (WHA*UBS). I can write (steno) at about 160 top speed--at 100, I barely have to move my hands to keep up, whereas it would be quite challenging for me to type at that speed.

[–]ostrichheaven 11 points12 points ago

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Came here to say this. My first thought was "uh oh, someone didn't hit right-B"

[–]Bad_Karma21 10 points11 points ago

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I am a certified shorthand reporter (stenographer) and it's funny when you see these mis-strokes. They happen to me all the time, but I'm not certified to do realtime, which is what captionists basically do; so, luckily, nobody sees my mistakes except me. But they do get hilarious sometimes. Ironically, my brief for relationship is "R A E P," and it doesn't always translate correctly.

If you need any advice, have any questions, or just need some encouragement to get through school, don't hesitate to send me a PM. I've been there not to long ago, and I know the value of having someone you can vent to.

[–]ostrichheaven 3 points4 points ago

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Every once in a while, I'll come across a word that comes out funny in shorthand. I always kind of cringe whenever I have to write the word 'fashion', which comes out as F A G S (TPAGS). Or the phrase 'if you can', which I write as F U K (TPUBG). 'He were' comes out as H E R P. There's some other funny ones, I'll try to think of more.

[–]Fillup231 8 points9 points ago

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I... I don't understand.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]professorboat 65 points66 points ago

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More likely, you would do it once or twice, and then get fired.

[–]MananWho 59 points60 points ago

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Which would still be all the time he/she worked there.

[–]ButtonFury 16 points17 points ago

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Touche.

[–]BraveSirRobin 7 points8 points ago

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Knew a girl that did it, it's all voice-recognition, trained to their voice. It's obviously not quite perfect yet...

[–]MrBlahStrikesAgain 10 points11 points ago

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Or maybe it is...

[–]mao_neko 4 points5 points ago

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Sometimes they use a respeaker, other times the special phonetic keyboard thing. From krse22's comment, it looks like this one's from the keyboard - but it's easy for the speech-to-text to get mixed up hilariously too.

[–]greengoddess 182 points183 points ago

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hide yo kids hide yo wife

[–]G_Julius_Caesar 202 points203 points ago

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And hide your husband cause it's raping men, hallelujah.

[–]bpat 11 points12 points ago

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We lookin' for you... We gon' find you...

[–]his_dudeness 27 points28 points ago

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You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real.

[–]ButtonFury 8 points9 points ago

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Run tell dat, homeboy.

[–]bvanman 23 points24 points ago

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Challenge Accepted

[–]Crawlerado 10 points11 points ago

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Rape is no laughing matter!!Unlessyou'rerapingaclown.

[–]Dozzi92 18 points19 points ago

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I love seeing these kinds of posts. As a court stenographer familiar with captioning like that, I can easily see how these mistakes can be made.

It's always funny, until I do it myself.

[–]markr303 7 points8 points ago

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Rape drops keep fallin on my head, but that doesn't mean my... wait, there can't be much of an upside here.

[–]typ901 20 points21 points ago

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This is fairly accurate of Atlanta anytime of the year.

[–]scoops22 19 points20 points ago

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7/10 people are getting raped. That means probably 3/10 are doing the raping. 100% of people will be involved in rape in some shape or form.

[–]fharion 30 points31 points ago

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You discount the possibility that some of the raped will go on to rape others.

[–]eonOne 12 points13 points ago

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It's a vicious cycle.

[–]whiteboy1190 5 points6 points ago

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The gift that keeps on giving.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Or at the same time.

FIG. 1

[–]Rockyn 38 points39 points ago

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Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife! they raping 70% of er-ee-body out here!

[–]karmapuhlease 11 points12 points ago

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...Amputees?

[–]a404notfound 30 points31 points ago

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My anus is ready.

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points ago

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You got an umbrella in there?

[–]darkciti 7 points8 points ago

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It seems like there are a lot of people from Atlanta here on reddit.

[–]aliveshecried 6 points7 points ago

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Rise Up, Atlanta!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]illogic6 3 points4 points ago

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You should think positive. That's a 30% chance of absolutely no rape at all.

[–]AndyJarosz 3 points4 points ago

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[–]herpuhderp 3 points4 points ago

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I love Atlanta. WSB also showed a sign for the relocation of the inauguration of the governor because of "inclimate" weather.

[–]asskickingjedi 6 points7 points ago

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[–]Hakaanu 2 points3 points ago

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I used to live off the Wade Green exit on 75. I hope Virginia is in a rape drought.

[–]drakoman 2 points3 points ago

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I was watching this earlier. Glad Atlanta's getting some recognition for our rape statistician.

STATISTICIAN IS THE HARDEST WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

[–]gay-dragon[!] 2 points3 points ago

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hide yo kids, hide yo wife

[–]unrelated_topic 5 points6 points ago

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Are you afraid to be a part of those 30% that will be left alone, "unraped"?

Are you sure that you'll be raped at home?

[–]oakium9 6 points7 points ago

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so if my son comes out i might see a rapebow right?

[–]PooPooDooDoo 1 point2 points ago

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The cooler, denser "air" wedges under the less-dense warmer "air", lifting it. This upward motion causes lowered pressure which can cause the "rape" when enough moisture is present.

[–]aliengoods1 4 points5 points ago

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Well, at least if you get raped today, you'll be able to lay out tomorrow and get a tan.

[–]lifepuzzler 1 point2 points ago

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Tonight... You.

[–]markr303 1 point2 points ago

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Either way, some sort of dry spell is about to be broken.

[–]tinymeteor 1 point2 points ago

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Looks like I'm gonna go to the strip club and make it rape.

[–]therealxris 1 point2 points ago

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I like to think that the live closed caption guys slip these easter eggs in from time to time just to see if anyone is paying attention.

Simultaneously, I feel a bit bad for the hearing impaired. They must live in a world of paranoia.

[–]franksvalli 1 point2 points ago

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Reminded me of a similar "what the..." moment reading a menu in Kyoto: http://www.flickr.com/photos/franksvalli/5355304720/

[–]nirbenvana 1 point2 points ago

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How did you manage to snap that picture in time?

[–]LookAtTheName 1 point2 points ago

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If rape is imminent relax and enjoy it.

[–]spliao 1 point2 points ago

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i love Dustin Hoffman in Rape Man. It was a really touching movie.

[–]gospelwut 1 point2 points ago

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Aren't the chances for a woman/girl to be raped/molested/sexually assaulted like 33% within their lifetime?

[–]everettmarm 1 point2 points ago

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she's been lying, I've been drinking, and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii am the rape king.

[–]MikeDobbins 1 point2 points ago

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Well I think we need to get the family out of town

[–]FalconFrenulum 1 point2 points ago

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Atlanta FTW

[–]abhoffman 1 point2 points ago

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Singing in the rape, just singing in the rape! What a glorious feeling like I'm happy again. Clockwork Orange anyone?

[–]bachabazi 1 point2 points ago

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Gong to make the best of it and head out. Like my grandpa always said, when life gives you lemons, make lemonparty.

[–]jimdog1231 1 point2 points ago

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Ladies, take a look to the left and right of you. Studies show that both of these men will rape you.

[–]ohwhereohwhere 1 point2 points ago

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At least tomorrow will be sunny!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Captioning (realtime stenography) is difficult. The word Rape is stroked RAEUP, whereas the word Rain is stroked RAEUPB. The B is directly under the P, so you hit both at the same time for the final N sound..ideally.....but at 180wpm it's tough to be 100% accurate all the time.

[–]boxcarcar 1 point2 points ago

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Closed captioning for this program provide by Rapist Glasses.

And remember. You'd don't have to be a rapist to want to look like one. Buy your's today!

[–]wheresmyhouse 1 point2 points ago

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It's always sunny after a nice rape.

[–]marcusbraaains 1 point2 points ago

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at least theres sunshine tomorrow...

[–]RODLOL 1 point2 points ago

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How'd they know i was going out?

[–]buboe 1 point2 points ago

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I expect the majority of redditors to be out and about on high rape days. It is the only chance most of them have of getting laid.

[–]MightyWarWren 1 point2 points ago

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I'm going out tonight. Guess those chances just went up 10 percent...