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top 200 commentsshow all 249

[–]karmacist 355 points356 points ago

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Story: I introduced the "in bed" to my family as an adult while out for Chinese, and my folks really got a kick out of it. We went around the table, one by one, as my mom and aunt giggled like school girls. I was last. I opened my cookie and... it was empty.

In all seriousness, my mom looks at me and says "I guess they know you broke up with Amber."

"What?"

"You know, 'nothing, IN BED'!" Well played, mom, well played.

[–]ImRambo 184 points185 points ago

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she drew first blood. show no mercy

[–]MrHadrosaurus 32 points33 points ago

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I like to mix things up a bit and sport "with a boner" after my ancient Chinese secret.

[–]kyookumbah 40 points41 points ago

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I'm a fan of the occasional "except in bed."

[–]starvingchild 15 points16 points ago

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in bed

[–]Frankenfish 4 points5 points ago

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I see what you did there

[–]emmster 6 points7 points ago

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I also introduced the game to my family. My brother will likely never forgive me, since the fortune he got the night I first mentioned it was "In life, the first and last love is self love."

[–]Lams 9 points10 points ago

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For fortune cookies and proverbs, we use a different format here in France: you add "between the thighs" at the end of the first part of the sentence, and you add "between the butt-cheeks" at the end of the second. Thus:

Every exit between the thighs is an entrance to new experiences between the butt-cheeks.

[–]WreckNRoll 10 points11 points ago

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thats worthy of a rage comic ft. trollmom

[–]deepkone 0 points1 point ago

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I didn't know what the whole "in bed" was about. I was high when I opened this and I was going crazy trying to understand what was going on. The comments and the pictures didn't make any sense to me.

[–]dalore 1 point2 points ago

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[–]girigiri 0 points1 point ago

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呵呵呵

[–]Smoogy 0 points1 point ago

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the only thing worse than a mom burn is the gramma burn

[–][deleted] 293 points294 points ago

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[–]cranktheguy[S] 28 points29 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]Jafit 71 points72 points ago

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Waiter, more upvotes for this man.

[–]TheAtomicMoose 18 points19 points ago

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I'm afraid we only have the Pellegrino.

[–]Fillibuster 6 points7 points ago

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A golf clap for you sir

[–]_pew_pew_pew 10 points11 points ago

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HAHA...wait....awww

[–]tempurasama 10 points11 points ago

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[–]TheMeasuringTapir 18 points19 points ago

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Pedobear?

[–]PedobearsBloodyCock 7 points8 points ago

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I agree.

[–]descend 3 points4 points ago

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I just made a comment that I've gotten THIS SAME EXACT FORTUNE. Mine was from Pei Wei

[–]Yousaidthat 0 points1 point ago

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ooo lucky numbers lucky numbers!!

[–]Feezus 0 points1 point ago

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I've got nearly a full letter-sized page of glued-down fortunes that I've been saving up for four years. It's almost filled up and ready to be loosed on the world. Children-related fortunes? Yeah, I've got those.

[–]knullcon 36 points37 points ago

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[–]biggusjimmus 22 points23 points ago

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Came here to post this =]

"'You are often asked if it is in yet.' This is crazy! What the hell does that even mean without 'in bed' at the end?!"

[–]knullcon 3 points4 points ago

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I'm glad they are all still working in different parts of the industry and the UCB theater is still going

[–]cranktheguy[S] 2 points3 points ago

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I love that clip. We watched that in my office a couple of weeks ago, so the "... in bed" meme was fresh in my mind.

[–]Ronem 2 points3 points ago

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"Maybe it's upside-down?"

"[THIS SIDE DOWN]"

[–]edubation 1 point2 points ago

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Fuck yes.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Best comedy show ever.

[–]VapidStatementsAhead 0 points1 point ago

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Best show ever.

[–]clerveu 111 points112 points ago

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The first time I was ever told about doing this to fortunes I was somewhat disturbed at it's outcome.

"Make your mother proud of you."

I ended up hanging it up on my parents' fridge, and it's still there, 10 years later. I've yet to explain it's full significance.

[–]Jescro 73 points74 points ago

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I once got one that said "Children will bring you happiness" right when everyone at the table was playing the 'in bed' game. =/

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points ago

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Why don't you have a seat over there...

[–]pwnsnake 8 points9 points ago

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There's no brownies?

[–]bdfortin 2 points3 points ago

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Sorry, that was paid advertising for Bozarking's 2-week course.

[–]pigeon768 2 points3 points ago

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"There is no love so pure as love of a child."

ಠ_ಠ

[–]jmtroyka 20 points21 points ago

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♫ Ohhhhhhh, if you want it to be possessive, it's just I-T-S. ♫

♫ But if it's supposed to be a contraction, then it's I-T-apostrophe-S. ♫

♫ . . . scalawag. ♫

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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Except when you are talking about cousin It.

Then it's OK to say: "It's hat is on the bed"

[–]VapidStatementsAhead 1 point2 points ago

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I thought cousin Itt was spelled Itt.

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]Iamnotmybrain 3 points4 points ago

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"This is so disturbing. I know, I'll put it on the fridge!"

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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They know. Your parents were not born yesterday. They are in on the joke and are waiting for you to make them proud.]

In bed.

[–]ZeThomas 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah, similar here. Last fortune coockie I had gave me: "Go ask your mom". I thought it was funny, so I put it in my wallet.

Only now do I learn of the "in bed"-thingy. I think I'll remove it from my wallet now.

[–]seegull 40 points41 points ago

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[–]ThatPornstarIs 21 points22 points ago

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Well, there's incest.

[–]UpvoteForFreeHats 8 points9 points ago

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Get your Monopoly Chance cards out of my fortunes.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago*

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Huuuuuge... tracts of land!

[–]captainbastard 2 points3 points ago

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I'd like you to retract that.

did you see what I did there?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Actually, yes it does.

[–]thedicktater 15 points16 points ago

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Reminds me of one of mine a while ago. It said, "You will travel to Asia." ...in bed, etc. And later that night I met this asian girl and went to a party with her. I thought that it was amazing that an actual "in bed" fortune was going to actually come true!

But alas....She thought I was gay.

[–]packetguy 7 points8 points ago

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So, are you? The suspense is killing me!

[–]DLMD 213 points214 points ago

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Tell that to my girlfriend...

I HAVE GIRLFRIEND REDDIT

[–]idarkiswordi 99 points100 points ago

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hot neighbors that only occasionally say 'hi' dont count as girlfriends. enjoy your lonely apartment.

[–]doughiswhatigot 56 points57 points ago

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my apartment isn't that lonely. we hang out every night

[–]duatb89 56 points57 points ago

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my mom's house isn't that lonely. we hang out every night

FTFY

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points ago

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... in bed.

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points ago

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Oedipus?

[–]AtheismFTW 1 point2 points ago

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Oedipodes is the plural. I think.

[–]Frankenfish 3 points4 points ago

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watching her through the window while she sleeps doesn't count

[–]wixifo 0 points1 point ago

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...in bed.

[–]shwiggy 29 points30 points ago

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If you fap to them they are sort of your girlfriend...without the hassle!

[–]realfinkployd 46 points47 points ago

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That was deep and shallow at the same time.

[–]likwidfuzion 31 points32 points ago

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That's what she said.

[–]missyo02 5 points6 points ago

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how was that in any way deep?

[–]Abandcalledmetallica 11 points12 points ago

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That's what she said.

[–]missyo02 1 point2 points ago

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very excellent, sir

[–]Abandcalledmetallica 5 points6 points ago

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...in bed

[–]redditnoob 3 points4 points ago

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... in bed.

[–]vapulate 3 points4 points ago

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forever alone

[–]Grimjestor 2 points3 points ago

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It's... so... dark. Furniture is... packing crates. Someone notice... me!

Heh. Lonely apartments.

[–]ntou45 22 points23 points ago

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I DO TOO. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

[–]GameWarrior2216 13 points14 points ago

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SO DO I. LET US SWAP GIRLFRIENDS TO SHOW WE HAVE ONE.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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MY GIRLFRIEND IS MY HAND, STILL WANNA SWAP?

[–]alfis26 12 points13 points ago

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I SWAP MY RIGHT HAND FOR MY LEFT HAND FROM TIME TO TIME. WHY DO WE TYPE ALL IN CAPS?

[–]Knotwood 4 points5 points ago

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I DON'T SWITCH HANDS BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE CHEATING.

[–]WhiteMouse 1 point2 points ago

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AGAIN, WHY ARE WE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER?

[–]DexManus 9 points10 points ago

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LOOK AT BANNER MICHAEL

[–]Mogart 4 points5 points ago

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"FAMILY LOVE MICHAEL"

[–]diadem67 2 points3 points ago

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I believe you.

[–]knylok 3 points4 points ago

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She could always tell it to you instead...

[–]sligowaths 3 points4 points ago

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I can tell she isn't asian.

[–]lolwutpear 3 points4 points ago

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Reddit is my girlfriend, too!

[–]D__ 3 points4 points ago

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What a whore.

[–]zpweeks 2 points3 points ago

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Reddit Gold = The champagne room

[–]K2J 6 points7 points ago

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[–]deathdonut 23 points24 points ago

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Are they doing it on purpose now?

[–]cbfw86 12 points13 points ago

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i think they might be. the other week i had

a beautiful stranger will soon be coming into your life

another time i had

your winsome smile will be your sure protection

they were right too.

[–]deathdonut 28 points29 points ago

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Just remember...a winsome smile might protect against unwanted pregnancy, but it is not effective against diseases.

[–]YAOMTC 3 points4 points ago

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your winsome smile will be your sure protection

whoa. I just got that a few days ago... I don't even get chinese that often...

[–]Mini-Marine 24 points25 points ago

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...At the gay bar

[–]NancyReaganTesticles 17 points18 points ago

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Let's start a war! A nuclear war!

[–]buford419 11 points12 points ago

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...in bed.

[–]NancyReaganTesticles 16 points17 points ago

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[–]tragicallyohio 13 points14 points ago

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This and your username together make for something special.

[–]theCroc 6 points7 points ago

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[–]kronn8 4 points5 points ago

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[–]MikelH 22 points23 points ago

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heh, This works with every fortune cookie ever printed.

[–]TomorrowPlusX 45 points46 points ago

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If by "works" you mean "implies anal sex", then you are... actually totally correct.

[–]baconcatman 5 points6 points ago

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"You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability."

"Plan for many pleasures ahead."

"The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days."

"A thrilling time is in your immediate future."

I think it works.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I've gotten fortune cookies with jokes on them. It doesn't work very well.

[–]FictionalBackstory 8 points9 points ago*

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Han Tsu was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when the sudden realization came to him.

I'm working at a cookie factory, when I have a graphic design major, what the fuck am I doing?

He shook it off, it was just another one of the many doubtful thoughts that plagued him throughout the day. Today was just another day at work, another day to pay the rent so that he could enjoy the 2 days he felt he deserved to be able to enjoy.

But he didn't enjoy them. Not when 71% of his days were spent being miserable.

And they never seem to last long enough, he thought, although since no enjoyment was being derived for them he wondered why he'd ever think that.

He caught the C-Train to downtown Akron, and caught his bag in the revolving doors, as he did from time to time. He contemplated how symbolic little things could be of his own life, but then remembered how much he hated those doors, and wished he could replace them with a God damn doorknob. How complicated can it be to use a God damn doorknob?

He took the elevator to the 14th floor, as he did everyday, and stopped for a bag of Cheez-Its at the vending machine, as he did everyday. He'd just eaten a bagel, but knew that between 10:35-10:45 AM he'd need a snack to tide him over until lunch.

Herbert, the office custodian, greeted him, as he did whenever they passed. Han liked Herbert, but was afraid of becoming too close with a janitor. Why shouldn't we be able to hang out?

But he knew it just wouldn't happen.

It was then that Han sat at his desk, with a list of assignments only about as thick as a paperclip. He fiddled through them, like he often did, and decided the order in which he would do them.

  • Birthday Greetings for "Over the Hill" birthday cake customers

  • Fortune Cookie Sayings

  • Golf related ideas for a "Hole in One" bundt-style cake

Fortune Cookie sayings were always there. They never ran out of demand for fortune cookie sayings.

And today, he was feeling good. Before he'd slept the night before he'd come up with some great fortune cookie ideas:

  • An inevitable destiny will await you. Lucky Numbers: 44, 14, 25, 47, 31 (He had wanted to use in the near future at the end of that one, but understood the rules for writing fortune cookies specifically state that you must not use the idea of "future". It was an effort at simplicity.)

  • The words "try harder" will present an opportunity to you. Make sure you take it. Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 41, 50, 32

  • You cannot escape fate. You must only do the best with what you have. Lucky Numbers: 11, 8, 42, 4, 37

Han typed these out very quickly, he was a very quick typist. As his mouse hovered over the "Send E-Mail" button, an idea came over him.

Quickly he deleted everything he'd just typed, and after the words "I quit." (and moreover a long e-mail to his short-tempered boss) he wrote 8 simple words:

Every exit is an entrance into new experiences.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]diversionmary 6 points7 points ago

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Tobias, you blowhard

[–]Knotwood 1 point2 points ago

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in bed. (C'mon, Reddit, I let this one slide for 7 hours, someone is dropping the ball!)

[–]InsensitivePervert 6 points7 points ago

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Some exits get stuck, sometimes.

[–]likwidfuzion 3 points4 points ago

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A little WD-40 goes a long way.

[–]jmtroyka 4 points5 points ago

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No way, wrong kind of lube. That will never work on your Rubik's Cube.

[–]omniqix 4 points5 points ago

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does "In Bed" work with reddit titles?

for example http://www.reddit.com/r/Health/comments/dbsrh/woman_regrows_a_finger_that_was_cut_off/ Woman regrows a finger that was cut off... in bed

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/dbxcw/ikea_lets_loose_100_cats_in_store_just_to_see/ IKEA lets loose 100 cats in store... just to see what happens... in bed

http://www.reddit.com/r/Health/comments/dbwa6/major_study_finds_atkins_diet_increases_allcause/ Major Study Finds Atkins Diet Increases All-Cause Mortality Rate... in bed

[–]jonr 1 point2 points ago

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It seem to work on almost anything...

"Ok, boss. I'll get right on to it... In bed"

[–]DrDemento 4 points5 points ago

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Oh those poor nostrils.

[–]generationfirst 4 points5 points ago

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Wow, I didn't know that was a game you could win.

[–]Fantum49 3 points4 points ago

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Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

[–]Beatsterbate 1 point2 points ago

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THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID........ PSHAWW

[–]misskittiebub 1 point2 points ago

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and...boom!

[–]wobblymadman 4 points5 points ago

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Its a cookie conspiracy that someone needs to get to the bottom of.

[–]KingofGnG 3 points4 points ago

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Sorry, I have haemorrhoids.

[–]megasoreass 1 point2 points ago

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:(

[–]KingofGnG 3 points4 points ago

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Oh it's not that severe condition :-)

[–]uncreative_name 2 points3 points ago

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This is the one case I've ever seen where "... in bed" beats out "... except in bed" for funniest fortune cookie modification.

[–]X3Maverick 4 points5 points ago

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US appeals court LIFTS BAN on embryonic stem cell research ... in bed?!?

[–]orwellsanimal 3 points4 points ago

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Ahh, your fortune speak of Feminie Keeper of the Three Tunnels of Excessive Friendliness. She very special.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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[–]lhavelund 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Meztez 2 points3 points ago

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Clear the exits first

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Honest to God I got this same fortune and i keep it in my wallet.

[–]I3lindman 2 points3 points ago

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How do you have sex with a sweat gland?

[–]phodder 2 points3 points ago

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in bed.

[–]AtheismFTW 2 points3 points ago

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Have you tried asking wolframalpha?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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This is going to replace my stock phrase for the cards that get passed around every time someone leaves to work somewhere else.

The old one was "The world is your oyster".

[–]psychotropic 2 points3 points ago

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[–]only_says_derp 2 points3 points ago

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derp.

[–]gotmayonase 6 points7 points ago

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It's funny because it implies anal intercourse.

[–]TwoDollarDrink 3 points4 points ago

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We always added "...on the toilet." back in church youth group.

[–]PrehensileUtensil 11 points12 points ago

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I am sorry for your deprived childhood

[–]CoolHandDuke 1 point2 points ago

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same.

edit- Not in church. That's just sick.

[–]mentalbastille 1 point2 points ago

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I had a friend actually get this fortune a few years back.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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And he hasn't walked the same since.

[–]MoreButtSex 1 point2 points ago

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Yay for butt sex!

[–]kingofshapes 1 point2 points ago

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Well, I guess its time to PUT IT IN HER POOPER!!!

[–]descend 1 point2 points ago

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I stopped playing this game when I got one that said "A great man never ignores the simplicity of a small child"

[–]caffiend2 1 point2 points ago

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of course when I see this post it has 69 comments...

[–]LordOfBunnys 1 point2 points ago

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You forgot the other half of that ending- ...with a goat.

[–]Xulpecula 1 point2 points ago

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I once got one while i was eating dinner with my ex's family that said "service to many leads to greatness"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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IN THE VAGINA.

[–]SuperSly 1 point2 points ago

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A friend and I got Chinese recently, we ended up with these

[–]CHAMPANERIA 1 point2 points ago

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yes you can enter your bed from any direction sleep anyway you want...and dream some creepy stuff...

[–]plbogen 1 point2 points ago

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Congrats, on your front-page post. How's the family?

[–]nonsequitur1979 1 point2 points ago

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Hehe, that's awesome. I was once in an Amerinese restaurant with a friend and he got the ultimate fortune in his cookie which rendered the "in bed" game just plain wrong. It said "There is nothing so precious as the love of your own children."

[–]Fonnie 1 point2 points ago

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The best one I have ever gotten,

"All rough times are behind you."

[–]bangslash 1 point2 points ago

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At work we always end fortune cookies with "with Patrick's mom". This particular fortune cookie fits so well with that I may have to officially retire the joke. R.I.P. Patrick's mom.

[–]mike_v 1 point2 points ago

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The best fortune cookie I've ever seen said "You will come on a fortune".

[–]knowsthebread 1 point2 points ago

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I feel like the writers of these fortunes know about the "in bed" joke, and throw fortunes like these in just for laughs :)

[–]BlazedAndConfused 4 points5 points ago

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Giggity

[–]sirsosay 1 point2 points ago

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I've never liked ending those with "in bed." It always sounds dry and forced. I very much recommend "in-between the sheets."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I control-f'd this and I'm disappointed that you've been voted down. "Between the sheets" is the superior ending!

[–]StonedSaint 1 point2 points ago

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I agree. In bed is so short and deadpan. I always get into arguments with friends about this...

[–]sirsosay 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, I saw the downvotes and figured.. whatevs.. it's reddit :)

[–]boriskin 0 points1 point ago*

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Nach dem Spiel is vor dem Spiel... im Bett.

[–]s0crates82 1 point2 points ago

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Der Zeit fur Arschficken.

[–]PrehensileUtensil 1 point2 points ago

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Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[–]candyman420 0 points1 point ago

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except one

[–]fuckinhell 0 points1 point ago

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I have that one in my wallet!!!

[–]schneeebly9803 0 points1 point ago

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well done cranktheguy... well done.

[–]Radico87 0 points1 point ago

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buttsecks

[–]ziggydazigster 0 points1 point ago

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Zing!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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That's not a fortune :-(

[–]commawhore 0 points1 point ago

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I've actually gotten that one before - and I carried it around for a looong time, showing it to everyone I knew, giggling like a schoolgirl. Ahhh memories.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Once I got one that said "You will discover the beauty of a child." It's tacked up on my bulletin board.

[–]Ilyanep 0 points1 point ago

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I had one a few years ago that said "He who has not tasted the bitter does not understand the sweet."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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bum sex

[–]dublea 0 points1 point ago

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[–]skyshock21 0 points1 point ago

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I always use "... in porn". Using "in bed" just sounds so, PG-13.

[–]asharp45 0 points1 point ago

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My Grandma loved this meme. Even though this one's pretty dirty, and she was a classy lady, she woulda laughed.

[–]tucktuckgoose 0 points1 point ago

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This sounds like a variation on Tom Stoppard's well-known line from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, "every exit is an entry somewhere else." Credit where credit is due...

[–]disc0ver 0 points1 point ago

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For Rectal Use Only.

[–]slickerypete 0 points1 point ago

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And to a bulimic, every entrance is an exit experience....for breakfast...lunch...and dinner!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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My brother-in-law got a fortune recently that said "Something expected will happen at school or work this week"

Yes, something "expected." whoop de doo. Ironically he was on summer vacation.

[–]crlove 0 points1 point ago

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I carry a fantastic "in bed" fortune around with me. i'll try to scan it:

"When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside."

[–]sivaram1250 0 points1 point ago

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ur right i want to get out of my colz to get new life ha ha

[–]akula 0 points1 point ago

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....in the poop chute.

[–]hiddenlizard 0 points1 point ago

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Real life fortune: "Relieve stress, buy a cat" add the in bed and I begin to think my Chinese restaurant secretly runs a prostitution ring.

[–]ThatDeadDude 0 points1 point ago

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Heh... Punchline is in the title. Tsk Tsk.

[–]sir_lolsalot 0 points1 point ago

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The best "... in bed" fortune cookie I ever got was "Never underestimate the simplicity of a child."

I almost pee'd myself laughing like a little school girl at that one.

[–]vspazv 0 points1 point ago

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My personal favorite, "Your love is like a paint. Spread it wide."

[–]KindaOffTopic 0 points1 point ago

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What's the consensus on every entrance?

[–]cursoryusername 0 points1 point ago

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just seen on reddit

US appeals court LIFTS BAN on embryonic stem cell research

... in bed.

[–]fzzylogic 0 points1 point ago

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The best one I've had so far was "Ideas are like children. Yours are always the best"

[–]wwarner 0 points1 point ago

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No, no no, noo, NO, NOOOOOOOOO!

[–]Chevellephreak 0 points1 point ago

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I like saying "except in bed". Just as awesome.

[–]harry10 0 points1 point ago

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takes some time to understand the subject and statement...

[–]sempire 0 points1 point ago

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sleep with one eye open.

[–]f0ster 0 points1 point ago

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this isn't really any funnier than 50% of any other fortune cookies with in bed at the end

[–]layendecker 0 points1 point ago

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Where is there a 'For Rectal use Only' Sticker when you need it

[–]bodyBYplaydough 0 points1 point ago

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punchline in the title.... BOOOOOOO!