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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]GonnaRideIt 143 points144 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]IsYourNameTangLung 85 points86 points ago

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The only problem is that John Little (the author/editor of this book) is more responsible than anybody alive for the ongoing "Bruce Lee circle-jerk." IMHO the real story of Bruce's life is way more interesting than the whole demigod mythology that's so prevalent today.

Don't get me wrong - I've got all of Bruce's books and bios and I'm a huge fan. My username is a Bruce reference.

I like Davis Miller's book, The Tao of Bruce Lee. He does a great job of demystifying the man while still respecting him as being the baddest motherfucker to ever walk the earth.

[–]ascendant23 14 points15 points ago

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[–]IsYourNameTangLung 12 points13 points ago

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I sure did. My work computer utilizes the wonder that is IE6 so I didn't bother waiting for the page to load before I ctrl+C'd that bad boy. Thanks.

[–]flukshun 24 points25 points ago

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bruce lee wouldn't use ie6 at work

[–]AirRaven 32 points33 points ago

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Rather, Bruce Lee would make IE6 work.

[–]quasiperiodic 16 points17 points ago

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bruce lee could install ie6 on chuck norris's limbic system

[–]KarmaIsCheap 2 points3 points ago

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Oh what rippling muscles you have

[–]takethemoneyrun 22 points23 points ago

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seems like a good read that book.

[–]forgotpassword 12 points13 points ago

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Almost all of Bruce's stuff is worth reading if you need a starting point for thought and/or martial arts.

[–]GeorgeForemanGrillz 2 points3 points ago

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Or any sport or endeavor for that matter. The guy was a philosopher.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]forgotpassword 10 points11 points ago

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The "Tao of Jeet Kune Do" is where it all started. It's strange because you get a thin layer of eastern and western thought at both ends of the book with a really thick discussion on martial arts (with diagrams) in the middle.

It's good stuff, but I think some might find it disappointing... All of his stuff is incomplete.

[–]rasheemo 3 points4 points ago

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[–]angryman 136 points137 points ago

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Bruce Lee is hard as fuck.

[–]innou 137 points138 points ago

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how can you tell with those pants?

[–]TakingThingsSerious 15 points16 points ago

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If this is a joke about rigor mortis, you'll find that after 37 year, a dead body would be long past the effects of rigor mortis. Furthermore, I think Bruce Lee's body should have the same factor of hardness as any other 37 year old corpse, but please don't quote me on that as I am not certain.

[–]kappuru 86 points87 points ago

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I think my favorite Bruce Lee quote is "waTAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

[–]skylarnet 178 points179 points ago

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Thats his favorite drink.

[–]unique-identifier 127 points128 points ago

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I tried that and got shin splints. Your mileage may vary. In my experience, over-training is, psychologically, much easier than being moderate and responsible.

[–]atheist_creationist 29 points30 points ago

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Shin splints can be a sign of bad form and bad footwear...

[–]ageedoy 49 points50 points ago

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i think we're about overdue for another barefoot running reddit post.

[–]RogueVert 7 points8 points ago

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they're still pretty damn interesting.

The ones I saw for the first time got me thinking "Damn, I've been running wrong my whole life?!"

Plus the Vibrams Five Fingers were invented by Al Bundy.

[–]starkquark 8 points9 points ago

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Agreed. I haven't seen any since I purchased my VFF's months ago! How am I supposed to remain assured I did the right thing???

[–]grasso 9 points10 points ago

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Please don't equate proper form with barefoot running. It's very possible to forefoot strike properly in running shoes, so long as the heel isn't too tall.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points ago

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There is truth to this. We should never confuse philosophical advice with practical advice. And Alan Turing would have totally kicked Bruce Lee's ass in a 3 mile run.

[–]albino_wino 131 points132 points ago

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But Bruce Lee would have totally kicked Alan Turing's ass in an ass kicking contest.

[–]EchoLocation 105 points106 points ago

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But Alan Turing would have totally had Bruce Lee's ass in an ass fucking contest.

[–][deleted] 87 points88 points ago

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The real Turing test.

[–]Bornhuetter 41 points42 points ago

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This robot's ass is indistinguishable from that of a human

[–]EaglesOnPogoSticks 12 points13 points ago

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If I'm ever going to make a gay porno, this will be it's name.

[–]QueerSaysHey 12 points13 points ago

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Heeeeyyyy!

[–]jeffreyg 16 points17 points ago

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Haaaayyyy!

FTFY

[–]lazyplayboy 19 points20 points ago

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Damn, I'm fat and lazy.

[–]ChickenFriedMonkey 11 points12 points ago

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Yes but you are a playboy so its ok.

[–]acoustical 14 points15 points ago

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If you have never seen Bruce's screen test for the Green Hornet it is worth checking out. Amazing speed in a simple display.

screen test

[–]bkdeamon 300 points301 points ago

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The amount of fucking comments in here saying "but he died at 32, lol, ironic" can go screw themselves and go back to youtube. His death had 0% to do with his physical & mental abilities. It was accidental and was something out of his control. Reddit drives me mad sometimes.

[–]TeethofBusey 254 points255 points ago

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With his attitude he accomplished more in those 32 years than everybody saying "but he died at 32" will accomplish in their entire lives, so basically, fuck them.

[–]neoform 26 points27 points ago

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Ever see blade runner?

The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly

[–]2010ladida 7 points8 points ago

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Ever read Edna St. Vincent Millay?

FTFY

[–]fas2 31 points32 points ago

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I am a fan of his work, but I think he might be idolized a bit too much. I can well imagine that he wasn't a man who had life figured out. Exercising and working so much might be hint that he wasn't that happy.

[–]reggieband 94 points95 points ago

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It isn't if you are unhappy (since most people are) but what you do with your unhappiness that defines you.

You may deride his choice but I respect anyone who dedicates their life to anything with the same discipline and strength of will he was able to.

[–]TriggerB 21 points22 points ago

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It isn't if you are unhappy (since most people are) but what you do with your unhappiness that defines you.

I think I love you. That's awesome wisdom. I've never heard it put that way before. Thanks!

[–]saywhaaaaaaa 8 points9 points ago*

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How is saying "might" twice deriding anything? Sounds like raising a possibility. Given that I'm uncomfortable with idolization of all kinds, no matter how awesome the person is or was, I'm inclined to agree with fas2.

Final thought. According to his wife, Bruce Lee said he feared living to old age because he couldn't imagine anything worse than seeing his physical prowess fade. I actually like that because it reveals the human being beneath the "superhuman" modern-day Lao Tzu exterior. I feel like I actually appreciate people less when I idolize them.

That's not to say I don't respect Lee or that he wasn't a remarkable dude, but I'd prefer a frail old Bruce Lee who'd come to terms with aging over a young, "superhuman" Bruce Lee who's forever stuck at age 32 (33? I don't remember). But that's just me.

[–]reggieband 6 points7 points ago*

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I said "may" deride his choice. For example someone may dedicate their life collecting finger-nails and they may apply themselves with the same vigor as Bruce Lee. You may deride their choice (of what to dedicate themselves to) if it doesn't please your sense of worth.

However I respect the effort put forth regardless of the activity that effort is directed into.

So someone may say (I'm not accusing you or anyone): martial arts and physical training are a useless endeavour no one should dedicate so much energy towards. But that isn't relevant for me in my respect for Bruce Lee. (edit: and furthermore neither is relevant to me whether Bruce Lee was or was not happy)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Or perhaps that's what made him happy. I guess we'll never know.

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points ago

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His death had 0% to do with his physical & mental abilities.

This has never been proven conclusively. His death remains today somewhat of a medical mystery. To say with absolutely certainty that his physical activity was not related is inappropriate. In fact, to say that someone's lifestyle had no effect on the way in which they died is most times, downright ignorant. If you watch any number of the documentaries about his life and death or read any one the biographies, of which I have read and seen several, many trained medical professionals make exactly this conclusion.

[–]IsYourNameTangLung 33 points34 points ago

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He was over-worked, over-stressed, and over-exerted. Read The Tao of Bruce Lee by Davis Miller. That book goes pretty deeply into the circumstances.

What most people don't know is that he'd suffered a similar (near fatal) enema several months before the one that killed him while dubbing audio for ETD at a studio in Hong Kong. It's clear that there was an ongoing health problem, though we'll never understand the exact circumstances of his passing.

[–]Fudgefactor7 53 points54 points ago

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Fatal enema?

[–]chromaticburst 15 points16 points ago

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Yea. It's like a couple years ago when Dick Cheney had a cute vagina.

[–]barkingllama 5 points6 points ago

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Flawless victory.

[–]jxmac 11 points12 points ago

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Near fatal enema? :|

That's a funny spelling error. :)

[–]IsYourNameTangLung 17 points18 points ago

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I would normally fix a spelling error, but the thought of Bruce Lee almost dying from getting his butthole douched is kind of funny.

[–]energyx271828 4 points5 points ago

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you mean edema? brain swelling?

[–]regressionx 7 points8 points ago

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I had a friend that was in as good shape as Bruce Lee. He ran 10 miles everyday in under an hour. He collapsed and died one morning during a run. He was 27.

The point of this is that shit happens. We don't necessarily know why or how, but it does happen; even to those in the best of health.

[–]phrakture 6 points7 points ago

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I had a friend who was in terrible shape, weighed 350lbs, drank a case of Mountain Dew every day, and smoked constantly. He lived to be 65.

[–]zayats 3 points4 points ago

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My great grandfather drank a fifth of vodka and smoked a carton of unfiltered cigarettes a day and lived to 74. The smoking got him, but my other great grandparents lived to their 90's only smoking a pack or two a day. One of them didn't smoke or drink (excessively) and got to 98. I theorize that constant invasions and world wars in Russia killed off the weak and left the superhuman.

[–]cyanosed_rhino 6 points7 points ago

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There's no need to get mad at them. To each their own. We all get a bit preachy sometimes but hell do I hate armchair philosophers. IMO, Bruce Lee was a fucking badass.

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]kungtotte 83 points84 points ago

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Over-badassitude more like it.

An acceptable way to go.

[–]Slightly_Lions 11 points12 points ago

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God thought he was cheating.

[–]Bingsoldat 47 points48 points ago*

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I'm sorry, but you seem to have your facts backwards

The facts of the case are this: Lee died after falling into a coma. The coroner's report was inconclusive, and medical authorities came up with five reasons for Lee's untimely death. However, they all agreed that it was caused by a cerebral edema (a swelling of the brain caused by a congestion of fluid). But what caused the edema became a matter of speculation. For the most part, the course of events on that fateful July day in 1973 can be pieced together. According to Lee's wife, Linda, Bruce met film producer Raymond Chow at 2 p.m. at home to discuss the making of Game of Death. They worked until 4 p.m., and then drove together to the home of Betty Tingpei, a Taiwanese actress who was to also have a leading role in the film. The three went over the script at Tingpei's home, and then Chow left to attend a dinner meeting.

A short time later, Lee complained of a headache and Tingpei gave him a tablet of Equagesic—a kind of super sapirin. Apart from that, Lee reportedly consumed nothing but a couple of soft drinks.

At around 7:30 p.m., Lee lay down for a nap and was still asleep when Chow called to ask why he and Tingpei had not yet shown up for dinner as planned. The actress told Chow she could not wake Lee. The ensuing autopsy found traces of cannabis in Lee's stomach, but the significance of this discovery is debatable. Some believe the cannabis caused a chemical reaction that led to the cerebral edema, but the coroner's inquiry refutes this theory. In fact, one doctor was quoted as saying that the cannabis being in Lee's stomach was "no more significant than if Bruce had drunk a cup of tea that day."
source: http://www.allbrucelee.com/article/mystery_of_bruce_lee.htm

What caused the cerebral edema in the first place may be up for discussion, although a certain Dr. R. R. Lycette of the Queen Elizabeth noted his (read: Bruce Lee) death as a consequence to a hypersensitivity of one or several of the compounds of the Equagesic he ingested to counter the uneasiness he felt that night.

Some may find it interesting to note that the only foreign substances found in Bruce was the equagesic and some cannabis he had apparantly eaten. Though the importance of the latter has been disputed. (source of last two paragraphs: see first source).

[–]DistantCube 3 points4 points ago

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Not sure why you're getting down modded. SuperAwesomeness is wrong to link the original cerebral oedema suffered by Bruce Lee with over exertion.

As you say, it's up for speculation but we can make a list of probabilistic differentials. The top of which would be the same hypersensitivity reaction (NB: Hypersensitivity reactions have several phases).

[–]watchtower_killed_me 62 points63 points ago

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It is better to die of thirst than to drink from the cup of mediocrity.

[–]DMc720 4 points5 points ago

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Meh, I'm more of a "don't set any goals and you'll never be disappointed."

[–]ArbysMachtFries 16 points17 points ago

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Don't go through life; GROW through life!

[–]Bornhuetter 8 points9 points ago

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THERES NO "I" IN WIN

[–]groupthinkjunkie 2 points3 points ago

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Don't Think FEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeL.

[–]AnonymousFan9 3 points4 points ago

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fat chicks need love too man :/

[–]souretsu 21 points22 points ago

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I'm going to write that last paragraph on my ceiling so I'm forced to wake up and read that every morning. A true hero.

[–]jascination 22 points23 points ago

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The whole thing is one paragraph, but a good idea nonetheless.

[–]neudera 9 points10 points ago

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Bruce Lee is a billion times more inspirational than Jesus ever was.

[–]PathogensQuest 33 points34 points ago

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Be water.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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"When moving, be like water. When still, be like a mirror." this is an actual Bruce Lee quote I've carried in my mind and heart for years.

[–]Capi77 11 points12 points ago

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Care to explain what this means?

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points ago

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he's saying that when he's still, he immaturely copies the movements of people around him, and when he's moving, he sloppily flails his arms and legs around as if playing in a child's inflatable pool.

[–]nemec 9 points10 points ago

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Flow in the living moment. — We are always in a process of becoming and NOTHING is fixed. Have no rigid system in you, and you'll be flexible to change with the ever changing. OPEN yourelf and flow, my friend. Flow in the TOTAL OPENESS OF THE LIVING MOMENT. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Moving, be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo.

That said, I'm sure you can derive your own personal meaning from that as well, it's the great thing about philosophy!

[–]infinite 2 points3 points ago

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IMO this is derived from taoism so the interpretation would be to be adaptable, don't hold onto anything, even beliefs, and change and be unstoppable just as water is unstoppable on its way from the mountains to the ocean.

[–]whysayso 22 points23 points ago

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Also FYI,

  • Lee's striking speed from three feet with his hands down by his side reached five hundredths of a second.
  • Lee could take in one arm a 75 lb barbell from a standing position with the barbell held flush against his chest and slowly stick his arms out locking them, holding the barbell there for 20 seconds.
  • Lee's combat movements were at times too fast to be captured on film for clear slow motion replay using the traditional 24 frames per second of that era, so many scenes were shot in 32 frames per second for better clarity.
  • In a speed demonstration, Lee could snatch a dime off a person's open palm before they could close it, and leave a penny behind.
  • Lee would hold an elevated v-sit position for 30 minutes or longer.
  • Lee could throw grains of rice up into the air and then catch them in mid-flight using chopsticks.
  • Lee could thrust his fingers through unopened cans of Coca-Cola. (This was when soft drinks cans were made of steel much thicker than today's aluminum cans).
  • Lee performed one-hand push-ups using only the thumb and index finger.
  • Lee performed 50 reps of one-arm chin-ups.
  • Lee could break wooden boards 6 inches (15 cm) thick.
  • Lee could cause a 200-lb (90.72 kg) bag to fly towards and thump the ceiling with a sidekick.
  • Lee performed a sidekick while training with James Coburn and broke a 150 lb (68 kg) punching bag.
  • In a move that has been dubbed "Dragon Flag", Lee could perform leg lifts with only his shoulder blades resting on the edge of a bench and suspend his legs and torso horizontal midair.

When the doctors announced Lee's death officially, it was ruled a "death by misadventure." Source

[–]CalvinHobbes 9 points10 points ago

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Fun fact: Jack Johnson's song Inaudible Melodies actually makes reference to this fact:

Lee's combat movements were at times too fast to be captured on film for clear slow motion replay using the traditional 24 frames per second of that era, so many scenes were shot in 32 frames per second for better clarity.

Lyrics:

Slow down everyone\ You're moving too fast\ Frames can't catch you when\ You're moving like that\

It used to be "slow down bruce"

[–]thegoodideaman 14 points15 points ago

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Lee could shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his ass.

[–]LASEREYES10 4 points5 points ago

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I never saw that. WOW!

[–]bearsinthesea 4 points5 points ago

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Any video of these acts?

[–]ironical 2 points3 points ago

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Two finger pushup: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g70Z4egrnuk

I also recall seeing the sidekick one somewhere.

[–]AngryRepublican 6 points7 points ago

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If he had not died so young, he would have obtained Super Saiyan levels.

[–][deleted] 71 points72 points ago

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The reddit community is too philosophically diverse to just unanimously accept motivation. Many redditors deconstruct things many others take at face value.

I respect Bruce Lee's accomplishments. I appreciate this piece of advice. Sure, I could deconstruct it too. Questioning everything could be a worthy pursuit, but I don't enjoy it. This motivational fuel presents an opportunity for those that can accept it, and I'm seizing that opportunity.

The rest of you can keep playing armchair philosopher.

[–]vhold 45 points46 points ago

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Me personally, I substitute reality with my version where instead of "Then die", Bruce Lee says "Don't worry, I have a defibrillator" and they keep running. The guy does have a heart attack, Bruce Lee revives him, and everybody high-fives over how awesome technology is.

[–]chemistry_teacher 12 points13 points ago

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Defibrillator??? Bruce Lee can revive you simply by refocusing his qi.

[–]scopegoa 4 points5 points ago

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What if a defibrillator is the result of him focusing his qi?

[–]NarwhalPenis 8 points9 points ago

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But that ruins the point of his message...

[–]vhold 24 points25 points ago

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Completely replacing reality is the ultimate form of not succumbing to limitations.

[–]phrakture 11 points12 points ago

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You wake up. You are the cheeseburger.

[–]couragewerewolf 14 points15 points ago

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bruce said it best himself, "absorb what is useful, reject what is useless"

[–]BobGaffney 10 points11 points ago

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Since we're playing armchair philosopher, I might as well chime in and say hat I disagree totally with the sentiment expressed by Bruce Lee in the OP.

This whole "excel or die" point of view is so admired that it leads a majority of people to consider themselves failures, and leaves almost everyone unhappy.

Personally, I think a smaller life of personal satisfaction, achievement necessary to one's needs and those of one's family, is a superior way to live than "going for the gold" in every way all the time.

Multitasking, for example, is bullshit. It's a way corporations have of convincing you to have no life but theirs - you should do three, four, five things at once. What they really mean is you should buy and consume continually, without any personal "nonproductive" time. When you multitask, you do nothing well, and get no satisfaction from anything.

In the last 5 years or so, I have concentrated on doing one thing at a time, and doing it well. It doesn't have to be perfect. When I drive, I drive. When I listen to music, I listen. When I work, I work. When I play with my dog, that's what I do. My life is much more satisfying as a result.

Screw "the ultimate." Enjoy the here and now.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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I like your non-multitasking theory, I think I'll try it. I'll start by fully concentrating on reddit.

[–]billydreamer 3 points4 points ago

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I came here to upvote whoever expressed this sentiment. Now I'm going to take a nap.

[–]JoshSN 7 points8 points ago

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OK. You do have limits. You can not jump 100 feet straight up in the air. You can simultaneously carve in stone a duplicate of Michaelangelo's David, fly a jet fighter through close combat, and [censored] with your loved one.

Most people live well within their limits, safely, and get little done. Other people go past their limits, like Robert Falcon Scott.

[–]threeminus 15 points16 points ago

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But you'll jump higher shooting for 100 feet than sitting there saying "No one can jump 100 feet."

OK, have I filled my useless platitude quota yet? Can I go home, now?

[–]Wardez 14 points15 points ago

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This is fucking amazing and will inspire me. Thanks so much for sharing.

Bruce Lee and Ayrton Senna. Their only idols are hard work and dedication.

[–]onealps 3 points4 points ago

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Ayrton Senna FTW. Another soul in my list of great ones who died before their time (Mitch Hedberg is pretty high on that list too, amongst others)

I always wonder how witnessing his death so up close affected Michael Schumacher... He was right behind him in the crash, if I remember correctly.

[–]sunnydelish 4 points5 points ago

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Ayrton Senna? I am a fan too, but seriously, who else watches F1 here?

[–]acmercer 3 points4 points ago

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You can find us here:

http://www.reddit.com/r/formula1/

[–]gipsyKing1 811 points812 points ago

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This might get down voted a lot here but...

bruce lee > churck norris

[–]Kodix 466 points467 points ago

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Why would it get downvoted? It's absolutely true in every possible way.

[–]yuncun 441 points442 points ago

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Pulling the "this might get downvoted" is just another ploy to manufacture sympathy upvotes.

[–]NeverTrustAJunky 28 points29 points ago

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This 'pointing out the truth' shit is just another ploy to manufacture accuracy upvotes.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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yeah, look who's talking.

awaits

[–]n3wt0n 5 points6 points ago

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Can we end sentences with periods instead of ,That is all.

[–]Busybyeski 7 points8 points ago

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Without a question mark, I don't understand your sentence,

[–]themj12 138 points139 points ago

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He got my downvote!

[–]-Rugrats- 12 points13 points ago

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He's a gypsy king, he gets all of your things.

[–]realgenius 17 points18 points ago

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It's a hedge. Respect lost.

[–]ryeguy 73 points74 points ago

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Exactly. Also, unlike Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee doesn't suck dick for cabfare and then walk home.

[–]lwrun 17 points18 points ago

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I heard his tears cure cancer. But they're so ridden with AIDS due to all the gay sex he's received over the course of his life that they're unusable.

[–]ryeguy 82 points83 points ago

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Chuck Norris fought Mr. T, Rambo, Tupac, Bruce Lee, and the pink and yellow Power Rangers and lost, then vowed never to return to the nursing home on Halloween again.

Chuck Norris has seen more black cock than a KFC urinal.

Chuck Norris taught caterpillars how to turn into butterflies.

Chuck Norris once attempted round house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it's not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn't find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.

Chuck Norris has been confused with Santa Clause, because whenever he enters a little boy's room he leaves with an empty sack.

Chuck Norris' penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.

Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.

Chuck Norris beats off to "Pretty in Pink" three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.

Chuck Norris claims he is "Ms. New Booty."

Chuck Norris experiences heavy flow on account of his wide-set vagina.

Chuck Norris shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.

Chuck Norris' beard is actually a merkin. He can't function without a man's pubes on his face.

Chuck Norris always judges a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris always sleeps 8 hours a night, and can be caught cat-napping several times a day.

If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey's Anatomy he'll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.

Chuck Norris loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child's eye, and run away.

Chuck Norris is trying to bring back the "fanny pack."

src

[–]insertAlias 14 points15 points ago

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shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.

Ok, tell me that having this: ಠ◡ಠ shaved above your junk wouldn't be fucking awesome.

[–]Llamainthepool 12 points13 points ago

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Gonzo of disapproval

[–]Travis-Touchdown 13 points14 points ago

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"I don't always suck dicks. But when I do. I prefer Dos Mexicanos"

[–]Achalemoipas 20 points21 points ago

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[–]Spiny_Norman 2 points3 points ago

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What's with the kitten? Also, what movie is this from; I feel ashamed for not knowing.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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Except in beard growing.

[–]LordBrandon 22 points23 points ago

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and being alive.

[–]IDriveAVan 8 points9 points ago

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And telling Haley Joel Osment he has AIDS.

[–]slaizer 432 points433 points ago

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Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare, then walks home.

[–]Gnolfo 91 points92 points ago

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There are only two people in the universe who cannot ever possibly be raped.

One is Bruce Lee, because you cannot rape that which you cannot defeat.

The other is Chuck Norris, because you cannot rape the willing.

[–]SnarkyCommenter 65 points66 points ago

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Chuck Norris does not sleep...he passes out after two beers.

[–]cyclopath 23 points24 points ago

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wine coolers.

[–]infinite 30 points31 points ago

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Bruce Lee. Wise, contemplative, insightful. He believes in setting no limits on yourself.

versus

Chuck Norris. Doesn't want fags to marry.

[–]Apple_Mash 12 points13 points ago

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Which would be a limit on himself, damn I'm witty.

[–]audiodude 113 points114 points ago

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When Chuck Norris buys milk, he generally gets 2%, unless 1% is on sale.

[–]chucknorrisbeard 21 points22 points ago

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Chuck Norris prefers soy milk, but it is generally too expensive.

[–]slaizer 17 points18 points ago

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Chuck Norris carefully applies moisturizer while taking long warm showers, softly humming the McGyver theme.

[–]Takuun 12 points13 points ago

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Chuck Norris went to a fancy restaurant but didn't have a reservation so he went to In and Out instead.

[–]FishToaster 17 points18 points ago

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Chuck Norris doesn't cry often, except when the occasion calls for it.

[–]UberSeoul 28 points29 points ago

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Chuck Norris ejaculates Nickleback.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago*

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One day, while campaigning for Mike Huckabee, good ol' Chuck went to the market for some milk. Chuck, despite wild internet rumors doesn't go with just any milk, because you see, he drinks tiger's milk. It suits his digestive tract well, and he fancies the fact that someone, somewhere, had to milk a tiger for this milk.

Earlier that morning, Chuck had done some more filming for the Total Gym, knowing full-well that it's an inferior product when compared to other celebrity-driven items like the George Foreman grill. "Had I jumped on the Foreman grill, I wouldn't have to dress in blue spandex every few months," Chuck thought to himself. The up-shot of the Total Gym however, is that every time he films a commercial in blue spandex, he gets to check out Christie Brinkley - and that's not such a bad thing, is it?

This has been a particularly bad day for Chuck though. The tiger's milk was warm, and not very nourishing. His World Combat League had failed miserably to compete against the UCF in any sense of the word "compete," and to top it off, his Chuck Norris Action Jeans had gained yet another crease in a spot where, in his younger years, would've been a rip.

Hopping on AOL, and typing his name into its search box, he came across a new (to him) web site. "Red-It," he stammered, "isn't that cute, what a play on words, hardy-har."

Then he came across the comment that set him off... "Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare, then walks home."

That afternoon, silently in his study just outside of Dallas, with a scowl that couldn't be mistaken as anything but loathing, Chuck Norris wrote a single word on his notepad: "slaizer."

[–]Carpeabnocto 2 points3 points ago

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Months later, Chuck Norris researched another WorldNetDaily article. "Homosexuals are destroying this country," he thought as he knelt at an attractive young rentboy's feet. "The sick and immoral things they make me do are simply unspeakable."

As Chuck kissed the disgusting homosexual's dirty boots, a yellowed notepad caught his eye. "slaizer" adorned the pad in big letters. In clusters around the word, Chuck had drawn red hearts, and pinned sparkling smiley face stickers.

Underneath doodles of two men embracing, Chuck eyed the caption. "Slaizer Norris" had been crossed out and replaced with "Chuck Slaizer" and more red hearts.

[–]madelinecn 23 points24 points ago

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Chuck Norris sits down to pee.

[–]Morally_Inept 12 points13 points ago

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Chuck Norris' wife makes him sit to pee.

[–]GuaranteedDownVote 3 points4 points ago

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I sit down to pee if I have had a few too many drinks, saves on the carpet cleaning bills and pain killers from falling over.

Although I don't get drunk on 2 wine coolers, unlike Chuck Norris.

[–]DigitalHubris 12 points13 points ago

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Chuck Norris does not watch gay porn.

He stars in it.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard, there is only another vagina.

[–][deleted] 98 points99 points ago

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And so begins the anti-Chuck Norris movement with this one amazing joke.

[–]timeshifter_ 124 points125 points ago

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Chuck Norris doesn't sleep... because he's too busy crying about being inferior to Bruce Lee.

[–][deleted] 139 points140 points ago

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When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, because Chuck Norris has a full dry suit on to protect his skin from chaffing from all of the chlorine.

[–]Ajenthavoc 166 points167 points ago

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After taking a shit, Chuck Norris wipes away from his vagina to make sure he doesn't get a UTI.

[–][deleted] 87 points88 points ago

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Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dentist, he goes five times a week to listen to Michael Bolton in the bathroom and then leave.

[–]tmoraca 88 points89 points ago

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Ready... go!

Chuck Norris never learned to swim because his family's gene pool was too small.

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

Chuck Norris has been confused with Santa Clause, because whenever he enters a little boy's room he leaves with an empty sack.

Chuck Norris' penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.

Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little Boy Blue.

Little Boy Blue who?

Chuck Norris.

(source)

[–]banditski 75 points76 points ago

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(Stealing from a recent reddit thread...)

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks.

Chuck Norris can't take a joke.

[–]acey 24 points25 points ago

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Chuck Norris dresses like a ventriloquist's dummy because he is hoping to get accidentally fisted.

[–]Indoorsman 2 points3 points ago

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Under Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, just another vagina.

[–]charliedayman 10 points11 points ago*

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As far as I can tell, this is the actual origin of that joke, though I fully support it's repetition.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]charliedayman 2 points3 points ago

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searchreddit.com is pretty great.

[–]omegian 5 points6 points ago

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[–]paraedolia 4 points5 points ago

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The best Chuck Norris joke is that he's a fucking Fox News correspondent

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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...two years ago.

[–]cyclopath 6 points7 points ago

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The chief import of Chuck Norris is cock.

[–]GuaranteedDownVote 2 points3 points ago

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Tax refund with every import.

[–]sha-baz 26 points27 points ago

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[–]gipsyKing1 8 points9 points ago

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At around the 8 minute mark I was waiting for a

FINISH HIM

[–]raziel2p 3 points4 points ago

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I can't remember having felt sorry for Chuck Norris before.

[–]bobdolebananaz 6 points7 points ago

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Yeah but that's just a movie, If they were really fighting Bruce woulda kicked his ass a lot sooner!!

[–]eyeneedscissors61 2 points3 points ago

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I was not expecting that hairy chest.

[–]IO-Chem 15 points16 points ago

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No way you're gonna get downvoted.

Chuck Norris is a joke. Bruce Lee is the shit.

[–]Sobek 45 points46 points ago

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what does chuck norris have to do with this? he's a joke

[–]brazilliandanny 35 points36 points ago

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You must be new to reddit.

checks gipsyKing1's profile - redditor for 1 year

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Fidodo 80 points81 points ago

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Chuck Norris aint shit. I dislike how he's using his meme status for stupidity.

[–]RushG60 62 points63 points ago

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Agreed. The CN is one meme that needs to die out. The guy is just some christian fundamentalist douche bag has been.

[–]TheBlackestManAlive 9 points10 points ago

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Woah. Don't just base him on that stuff. This guy started the World Combat League. A mixed martial arts fighting sport with state teams, no ground game and no hesitating. IMO he just recently revolutionized MMA.

He is a douche (It was either him or Steven Segal that love Joe Arpaio, I think it's Segal though.) and it is an annoying meme, but he's not a has been because he is still making cool stuff.

Also, definitely not better than Bruce Lee.

[–]MySFWAccount 16 points17 points ago

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never been*

[–]guitarbuddy 18 points19 points ago*

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I can't stand CN's politics, thought his tv show was silly, and though I've watched a couple of his movies can't call myself a fan, but calling a guy who came from abject poverty on an Indian reservation to be a world champion karate fighter six years running a "never been" is dishonorable.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]DankJemo 7 points8 points ago

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The reason bruce lee died is because his body could no longer contain the awesome within... Chuck is still alive... He isn't that awesome.

[–]Gothiks 8 points9 points ago

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Bruce Lee > All

[–]nascentt 35 points36 points ago

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Downvoting not because I think Chuck is better than Bruce in any way, but because your self-masturbatory comment doesn't belong here.

[–]kraahl 16 points17 points ago

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self-masturbatory? wouldn´t masturbatory suffice? :P

[–]bobdolebananaz 7 points8 points ago

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I thought reddit is EXACTLY where those comments go

[–]gid13 5 points6 points ago

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Honk if you love cookies!

[–]Splitzy 2 points3 points ago

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This might get down voted a lot here but...

pizza is delicious

[–]rjworks13 9 points10 points ago

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Bruce Lee is absolutey correct! So what if he died at 32? So what if you or I die at 32, or whenever? LENGTH of life is not even as remotely important as QUALITY of life. What good is living to be seventy, waking every morning racked with pain and being kept minimally alive by medical technology? Using time as a benchmark to infer one lived a "full" and "happy" life is just an illusion. Another kind of wall we create to suggest we had a good life. Bruce Lee's wisdom exceeds it's own grasp - and that's a good thing.

[–]surfnaked 4 points5 points ago

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I consider that we tend to put an elastic envelope around ourselves. As we age or get lazy the envelope shrinks and tightens the limits of what we believe we can do. I consider it my job to constantly push and keep pressure on that envelope of belief. I believe that I can and I do. I'm not what I was when I was young, but I'm a lot more then I would be if I listened to that envelope and let it dictate what I can do.

[–]zombiebunnie 4 points5 points ago

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For some reason, the prose doesn't really match Bruce Lee... I think its the part where he goes "Seriously,..."

[–]elvisliveson 5 points6 points ago

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[–]mutumbo1000 4 points5 points ago

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This is how I felt about the flight simulator post.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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There's nothing quite like exercising so hard you throw up a little.

[–]Patriark 2 points3 points ago

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This is pretty much a text book definition of what Nietzsche's concept of Übermensch was all about. You avoid nihilism (which Nietzsche opposed, he was not a proponent of nihilism, although he often is said to be; Übermensch was the cure for nihilism) by breaking the limits of what is thought humanly possible.

[–]OneSalientOversight 25 points26 points ago

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So Bruce Lee died because he couldn't go to the next level?

[–]vrode 124 points125 points ago

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Level-cap made the game too boring, so he quit playing.

[–]chemistry_teacher 2 points3 points ago

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In real gaming, this is so easy to eliminate. Simply apply linear (or geometric) improvement in skill to an exponential leveling requirement. That would allow for very slow, yet available, level increases for those who are so inspired to continue.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Address Unknown

"John Mirra?" "Yes, this is he" "This is John Mirra. Welcome to the next level"

[–]ImOnYourTeam 2 points3 points ago

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I think it was because his actual skull size couldn't go to the next level.

[–]Detuned 12 points13 points ago

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Bruce Lee is level 81

[–]dberis 2 points3 points ago

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Source: This is an excerpt from a book written by Bruce Lee himself and John Little:

The Art of Expressing the Human Body

[–]Rekognize 2 points3 points ago

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Thanks for this

[–]Balrogspain 2 points3 points ago

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This is why Bruce Lee is one of those people who are on a pedestal to me.

[–]Sepsys7 2 points3 points ago

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Must - Level - Up

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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I like Bruce and everything, but that's actually some pretty poor reasoning. He's relying on a ridiculous slippery slope, he espouses some kind of objective value (i.e., implying that all people should value growth in every aspect of their life with the possibility of dying over a plateau even when the plateau is as insignificant and/or useless as running a few miles more a day than normal) and he mentions morality in a way that I'm assuming implies objective morality based on his general universalization of value and his universal prescription about men needing to strive to be more.

[–]coogie 3 points4 points ago

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Obviously Bruce was a cardiologist specializing in longevity.