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1442

If you had a portal gun, would you...? (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by deepbrown

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[–]deleteduser 453 points454 points ago

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ah, the old "glory portal"

[–]bdfortin 30 points31 points ago

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If they made it work over the internet, whoever made it would become rich.

[–]nemec 86 points87 points ago

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And you thought chatroulette couldn't get any worse...

[–]azreal156 106 points107 points ago

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OH GOD SOMEONE JUST JIZZED ON MY FACE!

[–]1esproc 36 points37 points ago

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Odd, portalroulette doesn't exist yet...

[–]Siperia 21 points22 points ago

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That would enable the "punch in the face over internet"-technology, known as the PIF/IP-protocol.

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            [–]brasso 629 points630 points ago

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            Now you're thinking with portals.

            [–]axlee 219 points220 points ago

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            Fucking portals, how do they work?

            [–][deleted] ago*

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            [deleted]

            [–]RaunchyBulbasaur 24 points25 points ago

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            Science everywhere in this bitch.

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                [–]ryeguy 63 points64 points ago

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                mirror

                [–]vault101 28 points29 points ago

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                That cake looks pretty real to me.

                Happy Reddit birthday!

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                  [–]Ventura 25 points26 points ago

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                  MUCH better title

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                    [–]Benjaphar 119 points120 points ago

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                    I'm fairly confident that if I had a Portal gun, someone else would be sucking my cock.

                    [–]wuddersup 30 points31 points ago

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                    The theoretical situation is if everyone has a portal gun. Then you have no advantage.

                    [–]Benjaphar 49 points50 points ago

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                    Oh, then yes. I would suck my own dick.

                    [–]dmuma 41 points42 points ago

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                    Upvoted for succumbing to the harsh reality of life with portal guns.

                    [–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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                    what do you mean, harsh? i bet i give the best fucking blowjobs in the world.

                    [–]Murderbitch 9 points10 points ago

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                    I've always wondered that. You have a piece of machinery that shoots fucking portals, something that has to be breaking some kind of law, and all the endless possibilities of it, yet the first thing they want to do is suck their own dick.

                    I think Valve may have to rethink their demographic.

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                      [–]Hides-His-Eyes 53 points54 points ago

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                      Why settle for head when you could go all the way?

                      [–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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                      BAH!

                      [–]dztopp 12 points13 points ago

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                      BWAHH!!

                      [–]Wisedome 29 points30 points ago

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                      I think that would be hard, when you shoot forward your butt comes with you..

                      EDIT: .. and eeww.

                      [–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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                      So you don't line the portals up face to face. Put them at an angle.

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                        [–]fatalerrrpr 10 points11 points ago

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                        Head doesn't hurt.

                        [–]Hides-His-Eyes 22 points23 points ago

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                        I'm sure you'd be gentle.

                        [–]PhilxBefore 33 points34 points ago

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                        Psshh, you don't know me like I know me.

                        [–]froderick 151 points152 points ago

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                        I've actually thought about this before, and... I'd be willing to suck a dick if it were my own and I had access to portals.

                        [–]shuuto 172 points173 points ago

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                        You know, yoga is available with existing technology.

                        [–]ONPRaGu 23 points24 points ago

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                        http://videosift.com/video/SNL-Will-Ferrel-Autofellates-in-Yoga-Class

                        [–]bmilo 55 points56 points ago

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                        Don't forget to have a couple ribs removed, just to be sure.

                        [–]otakucode 16 points17 points ago

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                        Removing ribs wouldn't help, I don't understand why people would think it would. Try it, the ribs aren't what gets in the way.

                        [–]BoredOfTheInternet 25 points26 points ago

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                        Then remove the spine? worth it?

                        [–]DrMonkeyLove 11 points12 points ago

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                        It's more that my spine won't bend to a 10 degree angle.

                        [–]grampybone 9 points10 points ago

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                        So it's not the beer belly that get's in the way? Thank god.

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                              [–][deleted] ago

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                              [deleted]

                              [–]Jafit 91 points92 points ago

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                              I'm guessing people would be open to that idea right up until the moment that they cum

                              [–][deleted] ago

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                              [deleted]

                              [–]iamafish 9 points10 points ago

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                              but it doesn't taste that bad to begin with, the more you ejaculate (whether from masturbating, blowing yourself, having sex, etc) the less you ejaculate each time, and in this case it's a lot less messy than trying to dodge when you finally do come

                              [–]kermityfrog 28 points29 points ago

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                              Just think of it as recycling!

                              [–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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                              Yeah but when men ejaculate less, it's more concentrated and thicker, and thus has a much worse taste and texture.

                              Really the key to inoffensive or even good-tasting semen is drinking a lot of water, eating tropical fruits like pineapple, and avoiding cigarettes, alcohol, asparagus, caffeine, red meat, and processed foods. Same goes for women who want to taste nice.

                              [–]wizpig64 11 points12 points ago

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                              I'll never give up my garlic!

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                                      [–]blitzwig 76 points77 points ago

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                                      So.... if you had a time machine and could go back and meet yourself... would you ... like ... meat yourself...

                                      [–]blueberrywaffle 26 points27 points ago

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                                      I've always wondered: would it be masturbation or incest or both?

                                      [–]Iguanaforhire 87 points88 points ago

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                                      Incesturbation.

                                      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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                                      Pederation.

                                      [–]OmnomoBoreos 11 points12 points ago

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                                      Wincesturbation.

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                                        [–]tekgnosis 20 points21 points ago

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                                        How about going back in time far enough for autopedophilia? Or far enough forward for autonecrophilia?

                                        [–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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                                        Even more interesting for a person who had gender-change surgery.

                                        [–]Detry 42 points43 points ago

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                                        Go fuck yourself.

                                        [–]aricene 22 points23 points ago

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                                        So that's why the time-traveling tourists haven't arrived yet.

                                        They're busy.

                                        [–]revslaughter 19 points20 points ago

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                                        I know where I came from—but where did all you zombies come from?

                                        [–]Neebat 5 points6 points ago

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                                        upvote a million times...

                                        if I could.

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                                          [–]manixrock 7 points8 points ago

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                                          on a side note, I find it extra funny that, where time travel is involved, lack of time is cited as the reason for the delay...

                                          [–]otakucode 6 points7 points ago

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                                          Autopedophilia is a real thing... it's when you have fantasies in which you are the child.

                                          [–]cianr 5 points6 points ago

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                                          That's pretty disturbing, well done!

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                                            [–]cynoclast 7 points8 points ago

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                                            Yes.

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                                              [–]froderick 8 points9 points ago

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                                              I've also thought about this. I still haven't reached a decision yet.

                                              [–]blitzwig 27 points28 points ago

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                                              Hmm, it is a tricky one. It got me thinking, though. What if, tomorrow night, after still not having made a decision, a future you - who has made the decision - suddenly appears and starts plying you with vodka?

                                              [–]iamafish 4 points5 points ago

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                                              How do you know it's a future you and not just some lying pervert?

                                              [–]wizpig64 8 points9 points ago

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                                              His nakedness will support his argument.

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                                                [–]kevjames3 8 points9 points ago

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                                                I think Robot Chicken covered this in one of their episodes. "It's not gay if you are doing it with yourself!"

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                                                    [–]JungleNed 225 points226 points ago

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                                                    It's science. Right? RIGHT?

                                                    [–]JasonZX12R 113 points114 points ago

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                                                    Aperture science!

                                                    [–]NSMike 34 points35 points ago

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                                                    I believe Aperture Science would require a portal in front and behind, in rather close quarters.

                                                    [–]FlyingBishop 20 points21 points ago

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                                                    You have a very narrow definition of aperture.

                                                    [–]NSMike 21 points22 points ago

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                                                    I'm not sure I want to discuss the definition of my aperture.

                                                    [–]BallsOfApproval 73 points74 points ago

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                                                    ^_^ 
<|>
/ω\

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                                                      [–]dooglies 19 points20 points ago

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                                                      Wouldn't work. Already thought about it. If you thrust forward you would be thrusting forward and you would never penetrate.

                                                      [–]Radica1Faith 31 points32 points ago*

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                                                      Wait no I think it could still work.

                                                      1. Just stand with your crotch touching your ass to begin with.

                                                      2. When you get erect slip it in

                                                      3. Wiggle around a bit instead of fully thrusting

                                                      4. ???

                                                      5. PROFIT

                                                      EDIT: CONFIRMED! it works!

                                                      [–]gfixler 93 points94 points ago

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                                                      Shoot them on surfaces that angle away from each other at the top, toward each other at the bottom. Now slide in between, and as you lower, you'll be getting your two parts closer together. You can pump in and out, and probably even "sit" in mid air when you're fully penetrated.

                                                      \  =D ((/  \       /  \       /
 \     /    \ =D((/    \     /
  \   /      \   /      \ =(/

                                                      Just for future reference, it's called "Ramping." I'm coining that.

                                                      Boy, \ really fucks things up in markdown.

                                                      [–]longshot 95 points96 points ago

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                                                      You guys sure are spending a long time thinking about fucking yourselves.

                                                      [–]gfixler 30 points31 points ago

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                                                      That's why some day we'll be in charge. We've got gusto.

                                                      [–]Radica1Faith 10 points11 points ago

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                                                      We do it so you don't have to. You should be paying us.

                                                      [–]reverendchubbs 7 points8 points ago

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                                                      Go fuck yourself. Here's 5 dollars.

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                                                        [–]spaceyraygun 20 points21 points ago

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                                                        happy > happy > sad

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                                                                    [–]HeroOfCanton 44 points45 points ago

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                                                                    My Dick: "Yay! There's a mouth on me!"

                                                                    My Mouth: "OH GOD! There's a dick in me! WTF!"

                                                                    [–]Richeh 31 points32 points ago

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                                                                    It's only gay if the portal gun uses parallel universes.

                                                                    Or possibly if your boss has tampered with it.

                                                                    [–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                    The Clinton Gun.

                                                                    [–]deepbrown[S] 272 points273 points ago

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                                                                    The female version. NSFW...http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/thumb/c/cc/Portal_Fixed.jpg/370px-Portal_Fixed.jpg

                                                                    [–]Bezbojnicul 58 points59 points ago

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                                                                    Also this.

                                                                    PS. NSFW

                                                                    [–]anonthing 86 points87 points ago

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                                                                    Is it sad that my first thought about this is "why you would want to tit fuck a dildo?"

                                                                    [–]Bezbojnicul 36 points37 points ago

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                                                                    It's ok. I don't get that either.

                                                                    [–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                    Relax. My first thought was "Interesting, her lower body will be experiencing gravity in a different direction from her torso; I wonder what that feels like".

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                                                                      [–]CocksRobot 23 points24 points ago

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                                                                      You may not want to hotlink to ED.

                                                                      [–]Bezbojnicul 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                      Why?

                                                                      [–]Arve 78 points79 points ago

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                                                                      Because ED disapproves of hotlinking, and tend to redirect hotlinks to something that makes goatse look like a sesame street portrait

                                                                      [–]felpz123 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                      now im curious..

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                                                                            [–]teppicymon 29 points30 points ago

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                                                                            Whoah. Missed the NSFW flag on that one... Whoopsie!

                                                                            [–][deleted] 65 points66 points ago

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                                                                            But as she moved forward, so would her hips.

                                                                            [–]deepbrown[S] 47 points48 points ago

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                                                                            I can move my head and body forward without moving my hips...you just move from an arched back to an "erect" back. Just saying.

                                                                            [–]halogen1212 89 points90 points ago

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                                                                            You can shoot one portal top side down, so your head would appear facing up not down :)

                                                                            [–]sawu 76 points77 points ago

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                                                                            We need pragmatic thinkers like you around when they finally make a portal gun

                                                                            [–]dooglies 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                            What happens if you made a portal on the ceiling and when you came out you were upside down. Would all your blood just on the other side of the portal rush to your head?

                                                                            [–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                            I'd imagine it would be the same as if you bent over at your waist as if to touch your toes.

                                                                            [–]brsnr 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                            No, because gravity does not transfer through the portals. Otherwise you would be sucked into them if you stood next to them.

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                                                                                [–]tjragon 39 points40 points ago*

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                                                                                Anatomy/proportions are kinda fucked up, plus she has the face of a herion addict.

                                                                                [–]ThisClown 80 points81 points ago

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                                                                                She's fucking eating herself out. Of course she's a heroin addict.

                                                                                [–]remise 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                or a heroine addict

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                                                                                  [–]dmwit 27 points28 points ago

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                                                                                  The shemale version. NSFWeak-hearted people

                                                                                  [–]Izanaki 23 points24 points ago

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                                                                                  Now, I'm no expert on shemale anatomy, but why is there cum coming out of her mouth?

                                                                                  [–]LeadVest 15 points16 points ago

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                                                                                  No need for a Digestive Tract, if you're engineered for sex alone.

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                                                                                    [–]hackysack 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                    ...why is it orange?

                                                                                    [–]soitgoes159 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                    I'd do it.

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                                                                                      [–]luiohh 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                      Before I saw your female version, I actually thought your original submission was about watersports with oneself. Well...can't say I'd object either way.

                                                                                      [–]natezomby 25 points26 points ago

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                                                                                      Here's a better version done with an in game model: NSFW

                                                                                      [–]deepbrown[S] 71 points72 points ago

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                                                                                      Well that doesn't work at all - her ass is out in both versions...she's not going to be happy, bet her face is in someone else's ass.

                                                                                      [–]drpcken 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                      Wouldn't she just keep falling?

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                                                                                        [–]umilmi81 73 points74 points ago

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                                                                                        Lets put it this way. If I got my hands on a portal gun, it would be low on the priority list.

                                                                                        [–][deleted] 39 points40 points ago

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                                                                                        What would be high on your priority list? Frankly, I have no idea what the hell I would use a portal gun for if I had one. I'd probably just spend time thinking about what to do with it.

                                                                                        [–]umilmi81 118 points119 points ago

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                                                                                        I would open a shipping company with only 1 route. New York to Beijing.

                                                                                        Then I'd have so much money I wouldn't need to suck my own dick. I could pay people to do that for me.

                                                                                        [–]gfixler 101 points102 points ago

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                                                                                        OMG, I know what would happen to me with that idea. I'd go to Beijing, shoot an orange portal on my warehouse wall there, get back home to LA, accidentally shoot the orange portal on my local warehouse wall, yell "FUUUCK!" and have to go back to Beijing. On the trip to Beijing the second time I'd be taping over the orange portal button and drawing "This one, fucktard --->" near the blue portal button.

                                                                                        [–]leesfer 108 points109 points ago

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                                                                                        While in Beijing just shoot both portals, problem solved

                                                                                        [–]Lazarus5214 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                        Brilliant!

                                                                                        [–]tsswope 12 points13 points ago

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                                                                                        I know this wasn't the point of your post, but your fuckup could be more efficient if you shot the local portal first, then went to Beijing and accidentally shot the same portal again.

                                                                                        [–]hennell 20 points21 points ago

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                                                                                        I dunno, a shipping company that only does one route with items smaller then the portal size with a very small limit on bulk items (i.e. Most things would be one at a time) probably wouldn't have you rolling in it.

                                                                                        Smuggling however. Now there's a portal based business. Alcohol, drugs and people would all pay handsomely, and you can move about your operation with the greatest of ease.

                                                                                        [–]gfixler 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                        It doesn't have to be one route. You can have packages in a large region picked up and trucked by your company to your portal HQ, then rolled by conveyor right over to Beijing, and vice versa on the other side. Most packages people ship are smaller than a standing human body. Length doesn't matter, of course. Just keep rolling it on through. All the money and time spent with ships and ports would be gone, and you could charge a premium for how quickly you can get packages there safely.

                                                                                        Of course, you'd also be an incredible vector for diseases. You'd be a 6' tall by about 3'-4' wide vent blowing air back and forth between countries on opposite sides of the world. Terrorists could attack America by raiding the shipping company at night and walking a whole army through, or just rolling a container of Anthrax and some leaf blowers up to the portal. I suppose you would probably build some thick doors on each wall to close over the portals at closing time. At set, adjusted times on each side, they'd be opened up and bilingual pleasantries would be exchanged before shipping continued for the day.

                                                                                        [–]jedberg 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                        Why would you close? I'd be running that operation 24/7. Every 2 hours you can switch the direction of the conveyor or something.

                                                                                        [–]gfixler 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                        I like your thinking. You're hired.

                                                                                        [–]kevin24lg[!] 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                        Just like stargate.

                                                                                        [–]JamesOFarrell 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                        You need to ship where the cost per kilogram is the most expensive. Getting material into low orbit currently cost a lot of money, people would pay for rocket free satellite launches. You would need an air lock for your portal though.

                                                                                        There is also the moon...

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                                                                                            [–]User38691 26 points27 points ago

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                                                                                            I think I'll just create some energy. One on the ceiling, one on the floor, tube around it and just drop some water in it.

                                                                                            [–]theonlyfive 14 points15 points ago

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                                                                                            Or you could just skip the water and drop a magnet.

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                                                                                              [–][deleted] 41 points42 points ago*

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                                                                                              1. Portal on earth.
                                                                                              2. Portal to the moon.
                                                                                              3. Get space-suit.
                                                                                              4. Go to moon.
                                                                                              5. Portal anywhere on earth (Maui?).

                                                                                              6. Start fastest delivery/transport business on the planet and become the richest man ever.

                                                                                              1. Put portal on floor.
                                                                                              2. Put portal on ceiling.
                                                                                              3. Vacuum out room (EDIT: remove air from sealed room).
                                                                                              4. Drop bowling ball in between portal at perfect angle.
                                                                                              5. Run the fuck away.
                                                                                              6. Once 20 miles away cancel the bottom portal and enjoy the sight of a 15 Megaton explosion in your room.

                                                                                              [–]dead_mellotron 106 points107 points ago

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                                                                                              Portal on Earth + portal on moon = WELP THERE GOES THE ATMOSPHERE

                                                                                              [–][deleted] 25 points26 points ago

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                                                                                              I think I remember reading somewhere that air doesn't travel through portals.

                                                                                              Also, no atmosphere would be funny.

                                                                                              [–]knellotron 37 points38 points ago

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                                                                                              Its been confirmed that suction through portals is a new gameplay element in Portal 2.

                                                                                              [–][deleted] 80 points81 points ago

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                                                                                              As the linked graphic implies.

                                                                                              [–]caranova 8 points9 points ago

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                                                                                              nice.

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                                                                                                [–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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                                                                                                Neat.

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                                                                                                  [–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago*

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                                                                                                  In that case:

                                                                                                  1. Portal on enemy's house.

                                                                                                  2. Portal on wall of high-pressure submersible.

                                                                                                  3. Submerge and enjoy biblical flood.

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                                                                                                    [–]commenter01 69 points70 points ago

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                                                                                                    Actually, to enjoy the sight of a 15 megaton explosion you wouldn't need to "run the fuck away".

                                                                                                    Assuming you "ran the fuck away," which in most cases would be somewhere around 10 mph, 20 miles away would take 2 hours. In those 2 hours, the bowling ball would be constantly accelerating at 9.8 meters/second2, assuming a perfect vaccuum (and that somehow you could get it to fall constantly in a straight line... of which i have my doubts due to the coriolis force.) In any case, at the end of those 2 hours, the ball would be traveling at 70560 meters/second. Fast, right? Well, the kinetic energy stored in such a system (assuming a pro-level bowling ball at 16 lbs), is on the order of 1.8 x 10-5 petajoules, or about 4.3 x 10-6 megatons. (use the kinetic energy equation (mv2)/2

                                                                                                    To achieve 15 megatons, rearrange the variables... the ball would have to be traveling at 33 956 113.3 m/s, which is 11% of the speed of light. That would take around ~40 days of walking.

                                                                                                    caveat: i always fuck up my calculations... so take this with a grain of salt, you might only have a few minutes to run away.

                                                                                                    [–]That_Was_Very_Nerdy 33 points34 points ago

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                                                                                                      [–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                                      I like your portal on moon idea, but the portal beam in game looks like it only goes about 60 miles an hour which would mean the travel time to and from the moon would take about 160 days.

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                                                                                                          [–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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                                                                                                          Spying on girls getting dressed and having hot lesbian sleepovers would be the biggest priority, right?

                                                                                                          [–]bluGill 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                                          An interesting idea, but portals are two way enough that they will know. Hardly spying.

                                                                                                          [–][deleted] 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                                          No, you use the portals to get there. Place a portal on an outside wall and shoot another through a window, walk through and then you're in the room. Replace the inside portal (the visible one you arrived through) with one in a hidden location: a cupboard for example, then hide. If they find you run through the cupboard portal to escape.

                                                                                                          It doesn't matter if they see you, you've got portals mother fucker.

                                                                                                          [–]Mintz08 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                                          That wasn't simple enough for you come up with without having deeply thought about it for a while first.

                                                                                                          [–]gfixler 15 points16 points ago

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                                                                                                          Much easier: shoot one portal at your place. Travel to girl's bathroom/locker room/dorm, sneak in while they're not there with 1-way mirror, shoot other portal at wall, install new mirror securely over it, sneak back out and go home. Watch girls admire themselves naked in new, large mirror.

                                                                                                          [–]Sephr 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                          You could just install a hidden camera somewhere (breaking in with portals still) and then you still can use your portals for other things.

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                                                                                                            [–]sugarshark 51 points52 points ago

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                                                                                                            Have your cake and eat it too.

                                                                                                            [–]Richeh 71 points72 points ago

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                                                                                                            Have your cock and eat it too.

                                                                                                            ftfy.

                                                                                                            [–]daybreaker 41 points42 points ago

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                                                                                                            The cock is a lie.

                                                                                                            [–]brianbrianbrian 7 points8 points ago

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                                                                                                            Buck cake? That sounds delicious.

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                                                                                                              [–]benihana 15 points16 points ago

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                                                                                                              Fucking thing SUCKS.

                                                                                                              [–]souldonkey 14 points15 points ago

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                                                                                                              do it live

                                                                                                              [–]trevdak2 25 points26 points ago*

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                                                                                                              I just had a few neat ideas:

                                                                                                              Idea 1

                                                                                                              Portal 1: Bottom of a large body of water

                                                                                                              Then a fire department could carry around a large blank board. When they need to extinguish a fire, they form a portal on the board, and they have an instant supply of weightless water

                                                                                                              Idea 2

                                                                                                              Put two portals in a surface, one upside-down above the other. Put a u-shaped piece of metal through the bottom hole, and it should come out of the upper portal upside down. Weld both ends together. Now, if you let go, it should rotate faster and faster, thus creating an engine.

                                                                                                              [–]jaedis 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                              yeah, but what about sucking your own dick?!!?

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                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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                                                                                                                if a jobs worth doing do it yourself.

                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                Nope, that's what my companion cube is for.

                                                                                                                [–]BallsOfDisapproval 332 points333 points ago

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                                                                                                                ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\

                                                                                                                [–]ThisClown 50 points51 points ago

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                                                                                                                Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps.

                                                                                                                [–]JoeMamaD 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                                                what you means these clamps?, which I use at every occasion to clamp??..

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                                                                                                                  [–]yodaami 73 points74 points ago

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                                                                                                                  Balls of approval! _^ <|> /ω\

                                                                                                                  [–]BallsOfApproval 69 points70 points ago*

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                                                                                                                  ^_^  -- YOU RANG?
<|>
/ω\

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                                                                                                                    [–]hakuice 23 points24 points ago

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                                                                                                                    ಠoಠ =ωO

                                                                                                                    <|>

                                                                                                                    /O\

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                                                                                                                      [–]drpcken 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                      This is probably exactly why the protagonist of Portal is a female...

                                                                                                                      [–]Dzazter 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                      I'd like to answer this with a question and answer - "Why does a dog sit in the street and lick himself", "Because he can".

                                                                                                                      [–]wooljay 120 points121 points ago

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                                                                                                                      As a general rule of thumb I just don't put penises in my mouth.

                                                                                                                      [–]insertAlias 115 points116 points ago

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                                                                                                                      I'd also bet that as a general rule of thumb you don't give handjobs to guys...except yourself. So maybe exceptions can be made?

                                                                                                                      [–]Benjaphar 22 points23 points ago

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                                                                                                                      Every so (very) often, I like to treat myself to a handjob.

                                                                                                                      [–]unled 30 points31 points ago

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                                                                                                                      you like handjobs and money? We should hang out

                                                                                                                      [–]SquareWheel 170 points171 points ago

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                                                                                                                      But this is just one penis!

                                                                                                                      [–][deleted] 326 points327 points ago

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                                                                                                                      A really really small one!

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                                                                                                                        [–]Richeh 27 points28 points ago

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                                                                                                                        Rule of thumb? That's forward thinking parenting.

                                                                                                                        "Don't suck your thumb. Or cocks."

                                                                                                                        [–]trisight 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                                                        But it's YOUR dog... it's your dog!

                                                                                                                        [–]teppicymon 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                        Ah, now if it's dogs we're talking about...

                                                                                                                        [–]ufgator 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                        Yeah, yeah, we get it Kyle.

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                                                                                                                            [–]tehbrad 7 points8 points ago

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                                                                                                                            In Layman's terms, speedy thing go in, speedy thing come out.

                                                                                                                            [–]DelphFox 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                                                            What happens if you shot the MOON with your portal gun?

                                                                                                                            [–]Urbanjamjar 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                                                                            It's wonderful how innocent this post is. Truly to revert back to the wonders of the exploration of space in a post full of people speculating about how to blow themselves is a wonderful thing. You have my respect.

                                                                                                                            [–]DelphFox 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                            But.. wouldn't it suck all the air out of the earth?!

                                                                                                                            [–]alexs 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                                                            Yes it would.

                                                                                                                            [–]b7vmu 7 points8 points ago

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                                                                                                                            No it wouldn't.

                                                                                                                            Vacuums are voids, they have no mechanism to "suck". The air would be blown out. Did you learn nothing from Next Gen?

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                                                                                                                                [–]lassef 23 points24 points ago

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                                                                                                                                The feeling of having your penis in a mouth would quickly be diminished by the feeling of having a penis in your mouth...

                                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                Or perhaps enhanced. . .

                                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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                                                                                                                                ENHANCE

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                                                                                                                                  [–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  If i had a portal gun, i'd have reinvented porn by now.

                                                                                                                                  [–]JinMarui 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  That's already been Rule 34'd. And the answer is yes.

                                                                                                                                  [–]psi0nicgh0St 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  My cousin Walter wouldn't have had to die... breaking his neck trying to suck his own dick

                                                                                                                                  [–]Thelonesomemoo 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  Perhaps you forgot all of the warnings GlaDos gave you throughout the game: I.E gun will kill you, you will be exposed to radiation, dont use it or you die.

                                                                                                                                  TL;DR : YOU WILL GET DICK CANCER

                                                                                                                                  [–]Lurking_Grue 22 points23 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  GlaDos was such a trustworthy source of information.

                                                                                                                                  Still waiting for my fucking cake!

                                                                                                                                  Bitch.

                                                                                                                                  [–]thephotoman 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  After playing that game, you still believe GlaDOS?

                                                                                                                                  [–]RandomAvenger 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  I think you're safe. Just stay away from the gun:

                                                                                                                                  These inter-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not. Do not touch the operational end of the device. Do not look directly at the operational end of the device. Do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially. Most importantly, under no circumstances should you-

                                                                                                                                  [–]sojtucker 26 points27 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  -suck your own dick using portals.

                                                                                                                                  [–]Rennen 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  Question is, would you hold your own head?

                                                                                                                                  <muffled>Don' shtop...</muffled>

                                                                                                                                  [–][deleted] ago

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                                                                                                                                  [deleted]

                                                                                                                                  [–]EarWorm 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  There goes another month, you asshole.

                                                                                                                                  [–]cynoclast 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  Ok, I admit, I'd at least try it once.

                                                                                                                                  [–]coratel 20 points21 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  Yes. Yes I would.

                                                                                                                                  Could you imagine? Everything we do in life is so someone else will do that for us. If you could do it yourself......game over!

                                                                                                                                  Edit* grammar

                                                                                                                                  [–]thejournalizer 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                                                                  That is the response of a virgin. :)

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                                                                                                                                    [–]Jasper1984 23 points24 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                    A vacuum chamber a heavy magnet(edit i mean rod..). Lets say that the density is 10e-4 that of earth, if something has a terminal velocity of 300m/s it is now 3e4m/s (assuming square root) this means an energy production of 3e4m/s * 10 N/kg = 3e5 Watt/kg, Lets make the rod out of depleted uranium, 5 meters long, 1 meter in diameter, that is 19.1 g/cm³, lets say 2e4kg/m³, and our thing has a volume of 5m*π (0.5m)² ~ 4m³, so ~ it is 80 tonnes, 8e4kg, producing ~ 2e10 Watt; 20 Gigawatts, that is a nice power plant.

                                                                                                                                    Not sure how to actually get the energy, the 'vacuum' aught to be getting hot this way though, but one could just stick magnets to the rod, which might also be useful in keeping the rod aligned.

                                                                                                                                    Hmm, we can do the vacuum better, that would be about 1e-7/1e5, 1e-12 less then atmosphere, that make this rod go relativistic.. All very coarse calculation, though. (And this rod would be very dangerous!)

                                                                                                                                    [–]fox630 29 points30 points ago

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                                                                                                                                    I think he just Portal'd his reply into the wrong thread.

                                                                                                                                    [–]gerundronaut 7 points8 points ago

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                                                                                                                                    I dunno. "Rod alignment" and "nice power plant" sounds suspiciously like code.

                                                                                                                                    [–][deleted] 33 points34 points ago

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                                                                                                                                    Dammit, I came here to post this.

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                                                                                                                                      [–]lectrick 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                                                                                      I was going to say "fuck no", but then I thought, my mouth vs. my hand, is the difference that big a deal? And then I thought, all masturbation is a little gay. I mean, you're fondling a dick, it just happens to be your own.

                                                                                                                                      Sleep on that one.

                                                                                                                                      [–]Phyte 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                                      Sounds uncomfortable.

                                                                                                                                      [–]just_another_crowd 4 points5 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                      I would only do it for cake and im not falling for that shit again, so no.

                                                                                                                                      [–]bewbspl0x 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                                                                                      Incredibly relevant.

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