this post was submitted on
4,269 points (76% like it)
6,187 up votes 1,918 down votes

funny

subscribe2,392,335 readers

17,896 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]vanguard_anon 115 points116 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

One time I was in a conference room when my slimeball boss explained to us that the company was downsizing. We didn't know who was going to get the axe but we knew that it would hit some of us. One guy was a grizzly Vietnam vet and was just disgusted at how the management was handling the layoffs. They seemed to lack backbone and kept the staff on edge for weeks as they made up their minds on what do with people's careers.

In that conference room through his obvious contempt the Vietnam vet used the same line on the manager, "I've killed better men than you." I bet he had.

[–]sharty 86 points87 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I use that line all the time. Although, never having fought in a war, people are starting to ask questions.

[–]mkrfctr 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's what the necklace of scalps is for.

[–]illuminachos 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

if you're going vietnam vet, its ears. don't make the faux pas of making one out of pinkies.

[–]poortiming 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But was the Vietnam vet also blind?

[–]demian64 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Before I even look, I am going to call Rutger Hauer.

[–]overwhiteflies 33 points34 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Doesn't seem to be working, anyone got a mirror?

[–]Ronik 60 points61 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Gentlemen, scholar, etc. etc.

[–]milliamp 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

There is more info about it on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1205489/

[–]damnu 1087 points1088 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Part of me wants to like this story and part of me wants to cry "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."

[–][deleted] 88 points89 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Sounds like a white knight fantasy of some uber-nerd in his basement.

[–]omegasnk 64 points65 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"Ha! And then I'll use my sword and win the barista of my dreams!"

[–]fancy_pantser 79 points80 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I put on my cape and straw hat.

[–]palalab 37 points38 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I bought it until the part where the asshole leaves a fifty on the counter, now I must call bullshit.

[–]Estoye 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm with you, brotha. My B.S. meter beeped at the $50.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Why is it it so unbelievable? It's not like the guy had superpowers or anything.

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Actually, standing up to jerkwads is a superpower. Very few people have this particular superpower.

[–]Acglaphotis 54 points55 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Old people frequently do have this superpower.

[–]deathofregret 30 points31 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

old people are also frequently the jerkwads.

edited to note that you downvoters probably are not a waitress on the weekends.

[–]GreatWhiteForker 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

that's because they realize they only have a short time left... it's amazing how courageous you get when you don't care about death

[–]enkiam 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But those people are the type to hitchhike around the world.

[–]jewjewbes 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Which is awesome and totally possible. Last year I hitchhiked the Bering Strait. Highly recommended.

[–]sharty 68 points69 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You should read part 2, "Denny and the Queen of Mars" in that one he has a laser-cane.

[–]BinfordsTool 67 points68 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Snape kills Denny in 6

[–]ErantyInt 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yeah, but Denny had it planned out with him the entire time. Fucking horcrux's and their curses.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Does OP announce after 7 that Denny was gay?

[–]LRonPaultard 55 points56 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You know it's true because it was posted on 4chan.

[–]AtheismFTW 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

[–]M4rtinEd3n 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Because noone really likes mudkips.

[–]ShrimpCrackers 51 points52 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Actually I have a similar cane with a sword in it. They're a lot more common than you might imagine. Go attack the old and see what happens.

[–]anonymous-coward 155 points156 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Go attack the old and see what happens.

Done! No sword. Now what?

[–]ShrimpCrackers 139 points140 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Attack another and make sure this one is cane wielding. After you have retrieved 10 cane-swords, come back to me and I will make you the necessary item that you will need to bring to Stormwind.

[–]pwner 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Are old people part of the Onyxia chain?

[–]Tallon 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yes, a couple steps before the Jailbreak quest.

/nerd

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Dude, the drop rate on this quest is fucking bullshit.

[–]KoNP 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I know, Blizzard fucking nerfed it because they thought it was "too easy" the way it was before.

[–]GunOfSod 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hello friend. Can I have moment, Yesterdays functions are RETIRED!! Yes we here at World of Sword Are ONE TIME OFFER all swords, Power levelling and Golds. Chepest for instant service.

[–]thinkgreen 17 points18 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My grandpa's around 65, has travelled the world, and also has a similar cane.

[–]friscobob 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

So it was Denny Green?

[–]bw1870 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Mr. Green in the cafe with the cane-sword.

[–]thinkgreen 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Part of me wants to believe so, but gramps hates straw hats :P

[–]notliam 474 points475 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Couldn't have put it better myself, so I upvoted you and made this useless comment.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It reads as though written by a man, but is supposedly a woman.

That's why if feels wrong.

[–]paholg 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I so thought Peach was a guy till the end.

[–]josh6499 217 points218 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I couldn't have made a more useless comment myself, so I upvoted you and... Oh. Shit.

[–]rm01 120 points121 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I don't know how these sort of memes go so I'll just confess this and be on my way.

[–]thatguydr 440 points441 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm about to hit 20000 comment karma, and so I thought I'd add that the meaning of life is actually simply to propagate your survival memes and genes. That's it. Just ideas and genes. Little chunks of survival information that you send hurtling forward into the timestream. Some of them will last, some of them won't, and nobody gives a damn about your complaints.

Health, wealth, relationships, and goals are all you need in this world. If you're lacking one or more of the four, figure out how to attain it.

Everything in moderation.

The folly of the Democratic scientist is the understanding that facts and scientific method should support all rational decision-making combined with the irrational insistence on ignoring the overwhelming leverage of human charisma and basic survival emotions on said decision-making.

Heartbreak is temporary.

From every situation in life, take only what is useful to you, and ignore the rest. (Aiding others may be very useful to you, btw.) Avoid complaints and cynicism, which both focus on the bathwater instead of the baby.

Always be unafraid to challenge a much larger man, as large men have been trained not to attack those much smaller than themselves.

Never, ever, ever say unfavorable things about Vladimir Putin to the Russian press.

It is much easier to be the second best person at everything than to be the best at anything. More enjoyable, too.

I would rather have a hundred great victories and a hundred terrible defeats than two hundred stalemates. If experiences are a normal distribution, you always remember the outliers.

Men are incredible at logic and terrible at psychology. Women are terrible at logic and amazing at psychology. Dogs are both illogical and gullible but live with abundant enthusiasm.

My favorite stuffed animals are green.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

All this and no mention of a towel? I call bullshit.

[–]peanutboy 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You're a towel.

[–]datn 96 points97 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But believe me about the sunscreen.

[–]tomg555 140 points141 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

ugh goddammit. Its: "But trust me, on the sunscreen."

You had one fucking job, and you screwed it up.

[–]datn 71 points72 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ugh, goddammit. It's "But trust me on the sunscreen."

You had one job, and you screwed it up with bad punctuation and impoliteness to boot.

[–]glummdead 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

[–]SodiumKPump 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I laughed my way to your comment, then read it, and then thought for a while. Thanks.

[–]RandomStalker 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Wow, dude, 20000 comment karma... That's almost the same thing as actual karma! And you spew all those shallow truisms without sounding like a pretentious dick at ALL!

[–]PhanTom74 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

20000 comment karma? Your soul must truly reside on reddit.

[–]shadow1515 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Could be, but I've seen similar awesomeness that's definitely legit...like this dude.

[–]LuciferBowels 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It seems like most armed robbers have no expectations of using their weapon. That guy was like "wtf, hes not giving up".

[–]sokz 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I usually read these types of submissions as short stories. This way they are actually semi-enjoyable.

[–]umilmi81 68 points69 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My father pulled a gun on two teenagers. It was late at night, and they were racing through the subdivision doing laps. God only knows what they were thinking. On the third pass he threw a rock at their car.

They slammed on their brakes. Two teenagers got out of the car and started walking towards my father. My father also walked towards them. When they met he grabbed one of them, the driver, by the collar and put a pistol under his chin.

I couldn't hear what my father was saying. But I saw them put their hands in the air. The second one walked backwards and got back in the car. When my Dad let the driver go, he got back into the car too, and they drove away.

We didn't have any more street racing going on in our subdivision after that.

People like this do exist in the world.

[–]Pituquasi 23 points24 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My grandfather not only pulled a pistol on me once for knocking on his door too late at night I also saw him stick it up the crack of some guy's ass that was rummaging through his friend's car. My mom even told me that when she was pregnant with me he killed some guy that had broken into his shop. He always went to work with his gun tucked in his pants; no holster. While at home he kept it in a soda cracker can. Old school. He was the type of guy that used to shower with Lava soap and if he had a bad tooth he would pull it out himself with a pliers. True story! They don't make guys like that anymore.

BTW watching Gran Torino reminded me so much of him :(

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My dad once pulled out one of this teeth with a pair of pliers...He said it felt loose and was bothering him. The next thing I know hes stuffing toilet paper into the hole in his gum to stop the bleeding and handing me the pliers still holding his tooth (root and all). That was the day I realized that my dad is a TOTAL BADASS.

[–]crsdfr 89 points90 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Your dads a fucking psycho.

[–]myamaacct 52 points53 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

So are people who street race in a subdivision

[–]supaphly42 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

More like idiots. Limited ways in and out, and doing laps is a sure fire way to get yourself caught.

[–]myamaacct 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Stupid and crazy are not mutually exclusive traits

[–]FAHQRudy 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Who gives a shit about them? Let them wrap themselves around a telephone pole. It's the innocent neighborhood kids that matter his father was protecting.

[–]umilmi81 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

One Man's psycho is another Man's pillar of the community.

[–]Daleo 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My dad did the same thing except it wasn't a subdivision, it was in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road we used to live on. He just went up there to tell them to stop, they fronted, he pulled out his pistol and shot into the air, they freaked and left. I was small and I was freaking because all I knew was that he left and then we heard a gunshot. Fuck punk ass teenagers.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Your dad is freaking awesome.

[–]ohstrangeone 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's not like they don't exist: http://www.coldsteel.com/swordcanes.html

[–]stinkytaco 28 points29 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's why it's good writing and that's why it's on Reddit.

[–]jaycrew 34 points35 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's why it's on 4chan.

Oh wait.

[–]xerogod 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You've missed the point. In the past I had your reaction, then I realized the truth of the story is unimportant. If I am amused it is good. If I'm not amused it is not good. This person could have 10 people vouch that it is true and it still be a lie. Likewise OP could be the only person who could vouch for the truth of the story, and if it were true, would that make it any less true? In all likelihood you will never know, in which case truth is no longer a useful unit of measure. In an environment where truth cannot be measured what is the point of considering it. Amusement, that can be measured, and you know from first hand experience whether or not you were amused so stop worrying about whether or not these types of things are true and you will get much more enjoyment out of them. Expect nothing and never be disappointed.

[–]horrabin13 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

don't mess with Sean Connery

[–]rabidkillercow 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The story itself may or may not be true, but stuff just like that does happen. I worked restaurants through high school and most of college, and customers do act like assholes, they do threaten to kill you over cold french fries, and other customers do stand up to them and threaten to kick their ass if they can't calm down. All part of a day's work!

So even if this story in particular isn't true, it's not terribly extraordinary.

[–]Triedd 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

So together, we have one believer and one disbeliever.

[–]bearsinthesea 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Right, there are only two options, either the story is true, or it is not. So there is a 50% chance it is true.

Next ask me about my proof for god.

[–]GunnerMcGrath 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Those canes do exist. I think JC Penny was selling them by mistake at one point.

[–]Astronoid 53 points54 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I am now determined to obtain a cane with a fucking sword hidden inside. No way I'm being old without being as cool as Denny.

[–]sapiophile 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

They're pretty widely available, but illegal as hell just about anywhere. There's also a lot of variation in their quality.

[–]tgunner 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I know where to obtain such an item. There is a small shop in a flea market locally, which sells all sorts of knives and switchblades, bongs, vaporizers, airsoft crap, tasers, mace canisters, and other gray area items... all at reasonable, negotiable prices. It's awesome.

[–]moriquendo 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I for one would rather want a mobile phone that is also a lightsaber.

[–]p337 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I would prefer a pocket watch that makes me invisible whenever anyone tries to hurt me.

[–]jordanlund 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Easy to obtain, unfortunately the quality is lacking in almost every case.

Here's a tip... If you pick the cane up and you can hear the blade rattling around inside? Forget it. Piece of Chinese or Indian garbage.

Also, make sure it has an actual handle. Holding on to a skull may look bad-ass and all, but if you're going to use it as a sword there's no way to hold on to it.

Bad:

http://www.swordsdirect.com/PA-1087.gif

http://www.swordsdirect.com/PA-1088.gif

Good:

http://www.swordsdirect.com/wd180.jpg

http://www.swordsdirect.com/cs88scfd.jpg

[–]razorfantasy 213 points214 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Logged in just to comment on this.

I used to know a guy just like this. Been everywhere, done everything, been in more fights than most people have taken shits...

Meet people like this first hand and you'll think twice about calling BS on a story like this.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]badjoke33 128 points129 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Is he a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas?

[–]LoompaOompa 134 points135 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can he speak French... in Russian?

[–]ShyGuy32 73 points74 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can he disarm you with his looks...or his hands? Either way.

[–]lloydxmas 83 points84 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Did he win he same lifetime achievement award... twice?

[–]LtSmash 46 points47 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Does his organ donation card also list.. his beard?

[–]WhyWouldISayThat 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Does he have a sperm bank named after him?

[–]Velveti 70 points71 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Is his reputation expanding faster than the universe?

[–]ShyGuy32 68 points69 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Do people hang onto his every word? Even the prepositions?

[–]phreakymonkey 136 points137 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can he quote an advertisement verbatim for a cheap boost to his comment karma?

[–]sharty 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Does he know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em?

[–]Dilettante 28 points29 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I work with a guy like this. He's a teacher, an archeologist and a world traveler, 65 years old, and tougher than any three of the rest of us put together.

[–]hseldon10 40 points41 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Is he named after a dog?

[–]endtime 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Or a midwestern state?

[–]sapiophile 41 points42 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And just what are his views Re: Snakes?

[–]sharty 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Wears a fedora? Where do I know this guy from?

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Dad?

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Mom?

[–]andersan 91 points92 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I shit once a day, sometimes twice. By my math, I have taken roughly 15000 shits.

That's a lot of fights.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Some days, I don't eat proper meals, just a steady stream of food all day. I've got a fast metabolism or some shit though, 'cause I never can gain any weight and if I eat a lot I just take more shits. I took 10 in one day once, and they weren't your pansy-ass shits or diarrhea, they were each at least six inches long and solid as fuck.

I'm so good at Sudoku it's ridiculous. I've beaten so many Gameboy games so many times... ah, memories

[–]InAFewWords 20 points21 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You make a compelling argument for dating you if this was your profile at Match.com

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Fuck that I got girls all over my shits

[–]Haiavaha 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I shit maybe once every 2 days, or once everyday if the food is plentiful.

18.5 * 1.5 * 365 = 10,128(+.5).

[–][deleted] 66 points67 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You need more fiber in your diet.

[–]migshark 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nah, if you don't have an excessive caloric intake like most westerners; once every 2 days is peachy.

[–]thechikinguy 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nah, I barely eat, and I'm shitting all the time. All the time.

[–]reluctant_troll 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I like to start my day like with one though. So when I look down, I know the day can only get better.

[–]paholg 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I dunno, there's not much better than a good shit.

[–]NotMarkus 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Reminds me of Second Hand Lions.

[–]agnt007 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

yeah........YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

[–]Azkar 4 points5 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Denny is a man among boys.

[–]mercerist 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Agreed. I know at least two people like this. I could be making this up too, I guess, but then again the internet could be constructed specifically to make you believe certain stories and HALP! YOU MIGHT BE A BRAIN IN A VAT!!!

Seriously though, once people go the 'travel everywhere/anywhere, hitchhiking' route they experience weird stuff, and quickly become far removed from the insular life that most of us leave. I've only dipped my toe a few times into that way of living, but every time I've done so I've experienced weird shit that should have scared me. I never got to the point where I had to fight or, thank God, kill, but I can definitely see my experience extrapolated in colorful characters such as the one in the story.

[–]master_gopher 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The Gender genie thinks the first two paragraphs were written by a male (that's as much as I could be bothered typing :P)

[–]thechikinguy 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I agree; there's nothing up until the author identifies themselves as "Peach", it sounded like a male narrator.

[–]xMadxScientistx 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I just ran a bunch of things through the gender genie! I had no idea it existed. Apparently, all of my formal papers are written like a man would write them, but all of my fiction works are written like a woman would write them.

[–]fireflash38 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If you look at the criteria for the words, you see a lot of impersonal articles, pronouns and prepositions are present in the "male" side of the algorithm. Formal papers are supposed to be impersonal, so it is no surprise that it would turn out male.

Fiction on the other hand (depending on the type) would be chock full of personal pronouns.

That is just my theory.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Denny Cane!

[–]EtherCJ 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And then he said "I could eat a peach for hours." And got into a gun fight with John Travolta.

[–]moosethumbs 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I would upvote this ten million times just for not putting the punchline in the title!

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Zatoichi lives! I will chose to believe this, and tell other people about it as if I saw it happen. Because that's how the world should work.

[–]mrhorrible 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]2oonhed 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I hope Peaches split the fifty with him.

[–]IHaveScrollLockOn 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Thanks for telling me it's a [Pic]. I love looking at pictures, because they are faster than reading paragraphs of words.

...Oh wait

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]nimbusnacho 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

They go unnoticed because they have secret identities to protect the people they love.

[–]log1k 85 points86 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That is so damn epic I want to believe! =D

[–]sapiophile 34 points35 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I've seen shit like this go down.

It is, however, getting rare, what with the damn postmodernism and all.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Postmodernism is the reason for people not carrying cane swords? DAMN YOU FOUCAULT ET AL

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And you, Jacques Derrida! You too! I'll got le difference in my FUCKING SWORD CANE RIGHT HERE.

[–]cartola 44 points45 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I blame the hipsters.

[–]tjazswmr 44 points45 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

always blame the hipsters

[–]squidwalk 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Just in general?

[–]swilts 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Who else pictured Sean Connery?

[–]mcsenget 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i pictured alan moore..

[–]knylok 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Really? I pictured Peach as a young, busty, blond bombshell, but different strokes for different folks I suppose.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Pink dress, big jewel on her chest, golden crown? Likes to beat me at cart racing?

[–]canonymous 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And just wait till you see her high-kick.

[–]notsober 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I pictured 'the dude' + cane.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]big_cheese 2 points3 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Alan Moore = White Pai Mei? Yeah, I guess...

[–]dmead 24 points25 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

that sounds like the most interesting man in the world

[–]gorenaultf1 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He doesn't always drink coffee, but when he does--he prefers it's made by Peach

[–]john2kxx 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I don't always laugh at comments, but... well.. this one made me laugh. :)

[–]FlyingSaucerAttack 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Stay bloodthirsty, my friends.

[–]cdub 51 points52 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"I don't always kill people but when I do, they've always been better than you!"

[–]DirtyHerring 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

THERE'S A MONKEYFlGHTING SWORD lN THlS MONDAYTOFRlDAY CANE!!!

[–][deleted] 108 points109 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I've down-voted better submissions than this.

[–]mrhorrible 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ah yes, but she said he's seen everything.

I believe the person you're thinking of is the bat man.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have read your first sentence 8 times, each time adding emphasis to a different word. I can not for the life of me figure out why you chose to emphasize "seen" and it hurts the hurty part of my brain.

[–]mrhorrible 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Holy God. You're correct. I'm actually crying laughing right now, trying to imagine your confusion. The remark about the bat man really pushes it over the top in absurdity (absent from the intended context.) I have no doubt of your sincere efforts in making sense of my comment. I've put just that much effort into comments before.

I'm rather flattered that a person would put so much effort into trying to understand me- especially when I apparently did not put so much effort into my initial statement.

The only consolation I can provide is a direct and explicit admission of my idiocy.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Makes sense. Its funny how I was at a Fry's the other day and the cashier girl returned back a $1 coin I gave her saying its not US currency. She's been here for a year now, and that was the first time ever that she saw a $1 coin :P

[–]mrhorrible 9 points10 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have read your story 8 times, each time adding emphasis to a different word. I can not for the life of me figure out why you chose to tell me about this cashier, and it hurts the hurty part of my brain.

[–]fuf 7 points8 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

huh?

edit: on closer inspection I believe this to be a rogue reply intended for the Zatoichi comment.

[–]mrhorrible 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yes, you are correct, see my response to lemmiwinkz for further explanation.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I sure hope this story is true, but I don't care. . .

[–][deleted] ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]decoyhesh 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Now thats a pimp cane.

[–]gridpoet 15 points16 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

is the average Redditor just to young too know about these?

edit: yup i messed up to and too.. no sleep is bad for my addled brain

[–]PurpleDingo 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nope, the average Redditor just hasn't seen one of those since middle school.

[–]veritaba 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Tabibito 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

yes

[–]sharty 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I think being young is a prerequisite for knowing about those.

[–]demonsquiggle 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

this is why i love 4chan, you have to sift through a LOT of shit but every once in a while you get a diamond

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Who the hell hides their diamonds in a mountain of shit?

[–]swampsparrow[S] 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

angsty teenagers

[–]pipeline_tux 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But those rare awesome posts are often repeated/archived elsewhere anyway, so you don't need to sift through 4chan. :D

[–]demonsquiggle 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

now where's the fun in that

[–]chekulk 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And that diamond is attached to the top of a sword-cane.

[–]Paul-ish 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's not a knife!...

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Keep fuckin' that chicken.

[–]jordanlund 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Swords are more effective psychological weapons than guns and I'll tell you why...

After decades of watching cop shows and cheesy action movies people have unrealistic expectations of guns. People think you won't shoot or if you do shoot you'll miss or they'll somehow be able to get out of the way. In their minds a chain-link fence is an effective bullet barrier.

Swords on the other hand, people know a sword will fuck you up. Someone swings a sword at you and you put your hands up to protect yourself? You lose your fucking hands...

So this one time I'm relaxing in my apartment and I hear an argument downstairs. Things get pretty heated and the argument turns into a full bore fight with multiple people.

So I pick up my broadsword, a serious Conan the Barbarian type affair, throw it over my shoulder and walk downstairs.

"Is there some kind of problem here?"

The combatants look up and see a 6'2" 290 pound dude with a 4 foot long broadsword over his shoulders and just about crap themselves.

"No, man, there's no problem here." Fight breaks up, people go their merry ways and I get to go back to my apartment and some peace and quiet.

[–]grayvedigga 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Is everyone called Denny this cool? This guy, Denny Crane .. I think I'm going to change my name.

[–]anonymousgangster 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Denny Crane.

[–]AndTheHeroFai1s 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

usually those 4chan links are funny.

[–]gentillalli 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The fake tan part by itself made him the bad guy.

[–]arulprasad 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I learnt how a US 50 dollar bill looks like, after reading this. Have stayed in US for a grand total of 60 + days ( and am back here again now) and am yet to see one. Wikipedia helped.

[–]officemonkey 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The reason why you don't see any bills larger than a twenty is because that's all the ATMs spit out. Nobody goes to a bank anymore.

[–]arulprasad 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Makes sense. Its funny how I was at a Fry's the other day and the cashier girl returned back a $1 coin I gave her saying its not US currency. She's been here for a year now, and that was the first time ever that she saw a $1 coin :P

[–]dunmalg 11 points12 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

On the all too often occasion I have to renew my driver's license in person at the DMV(1), I always make sure to show up with the exact amount due in a combination of Susan B Anthony dollars, Sacajawea (now president) dollars, and good ol' Jefferson 2-dollar bills. The drones working at the DMV are practically like droids running bureaucratic software, so when you give them coins and bills they don't have a slot for in their cash drawer, you can almost see their brains throwing exceptions.

(1) I hate California

[–]burnblue 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

their brains throwing exceptions

I just had the most amazing visual

[–]FlyingSaucerAttack 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I used to work at a bank, it was amazing to see how many people didn't believe that the $2 bill was real currency.

[–]mvoewf 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Welcome! :)

[–]arulprasad 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Wow, Thanks!

[–]Kalima 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have met maybe 3 cool old dudes just like this that make this story believable. One was an old marine that was a pow in Korea. He used to come into my work and tell me his war stories and little life lessons. The only reason i regretted leaving that job was because i wouldn't be able to talk to him again.

[–]ArthurPhilipDent 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Anyone else click on this thinking it was about the Denny's restaurant?

[–]ContentWithOurDecay 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I thought this was going to be about Denny's. Boy, that was better than if it had been about Denny's.

[–]deathofregret 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i would like regulars like this :(

[–]StevenDickson 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I own a few swords now and someday when I’m older and require a cane to get around you can bet there will be a sword inside of it. I mean if you can have a cane or a cane with a sword in it, why wouldn’t you have the sword one?

[–]srussian 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

How can such eloquent writing exist on such a deplorable forum? Boggles the mind, I tell you.

[–]sracer4095 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

More proof that old guys rock. Especially old guys with motherfucking cane swords.

[–]lutefisky 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I sat down next to a guy at my local pub 20 years ago and we started talking about life and hockey. The conversation moved into the violence in hockey as I asked him about fighting on and off the ice. He said he usually avoids fighting off the ice by using a simple trick. If someone picks a fight with him at the bar he pulls out his 4 false front teeth(hockey injury), puts them in his pocket and says "ok, let's go." And most encounters would end right there.