top 200 commentsshow all 279

[–]IHaveAStory 189 points190 points ago

He still has enough money to buy you, that is if you are the kind of person who would sell yourself to a man for money...

[–]Roland1232 128 points129 points ago

I'm listening...

[–]WhyNotBarbershop 47 points48 points ago

I'm listening...*Headphones please!

[–]BigRedjmc14 14 points15 points ago

Its clear. You can (and probably should) use headphones for this.

[–]elzorroloco 5 points6 points ago

I think I'm going to have a very hard time coming up with an answer

[–]IHaveAStory 2 points3 points ago

Today we got him. Today our future starts because of the brave Team.
The word spread in the streets, He was dead, He was captured, He was being executed. Nobody cared for the truth it was enough to know that He would not be a menace to our society anymore. The streets filled and chats began to fill the air, “All hail Team!”
There was no memory of a time before He was a menace; it had filled the radio and the TV for the last 50 years, the terrors that He had caused. Every murder was shown to be connected to him, the radio informed us that we needed to watch, to be aware because anyone could be his agents. None of us knew who He was; we just knew that He was evil. He was the reason that our economy was down, he was the reason that poor family of 5 had frozen to death in the last power outage. Our rage against Him had grown. We hated Him and we made it clear, children’s toys were sold with the slogan “Teach your kid what’s right; teach them about Him and evil.” Movies all had the same bad guy in them, a man, faceless with many faces, it was Him. Oh we loved to hate Him, our rations got cut and we had a riot, we carried a faceless mannequin with a name tag on him, the tag said “HIM”, through the streets and we burned it. Sometimes we would mutilate it first and the children would come up and kick it and spit on it. At the end of these riots we would go back to our houses and on our way we would sing the songs off the radio.
Soon He will fall,
And the fall will be great!
Soon will our leaders
Triumph in strength!

It is funny to me now looking back at this night, that night that we heard He was dead, not one of us questioned who he was. We never had questioned before so why would we then? I guess that is the only explanation. The following months we had worked so hard, we loved our country and we worked to make it better. Without an enemy we knew that soon we would all be living in paradise, soon there would be food for everyone, our houses would be ours and not shared, we would have power through the long cold nights. These thoughts powered us and we sang happily as we worked. But around 6 months after that night, the lazier ones began to slow, by 8 months we were all slowing down. Life was still the same.
A year after the night of celebration there was a public announcement, it was on the radios and the TV’s, and it was on the Billboards and the Newspapers. “HE IS BACK” It read in black banners, and under it “We need your help to make it through this trying time.”

I am just an old man now, there is nothing they can do to punish me, and I would die if they tried to torture me so I will put forward my thoughts. I have sent this to as many as I could get it to, so if you are receiving this please take some time and think about this. I am sure that “He” exists still and will exist in the coming days. I am also sure that “He” will be killed and resurrected as the need for money and power ebbs and flows. I do not know what you can do but use your mind. You are young and able, I am too old.

I am reusing this one because I have to leave work. Enjoy!

[–]missjolie 4 points5 points ago

George Orwell approves.

[–]IHaveAStory 2 points3 points ago

It is funny that I wrote that as a outcry against today's government and constantly finding wars to fight in. And yet you are right, it is very Orwell-ish.

[–]missjolie 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, I feel that. It reminded me very much of the hate parades and the (I think) Two Minutes' Hate in 1984.

[–]FarmerTedd 0 points1 point ago

It's like being in a room full your kids and older relatives trying to carefully edge a madman wearing a suicide vest out of your house while he's watching the superbowl, but he's not the only crazy in the room; the military industrial complex, unions, and a dozen other bomb-vest wearing psychos are all running around screaming at each other and at the multitude of small threats firing off in every direction; from the cia and NRA right through to the christian powerbases and box-factory fatcat's - and then in the middle of it there are the innocent folk, the poor and downtrodden; and they're screaming too, they're protesting and begging and threatening - they're running away and sneaking in, they're screaming with vitriolic anger sharp enough to make even the great ideas sound kooky. and you'd like to just take your family and leave, you'd like to just quietly sneak everyone out the back way; but you can't because this is your family, they're all your family. you're the fucking president.

/u/The3rdWorld

[–]theshamespearofhurt 7 points8 points ago

With the wave of lawsuits headed his way, not for much longer.

[–]Eab123 0 points1 point ago

I would give my left but to... Oh forget it.

[–]IHaveAStory 0 points1 point ago

Then you would sit crooked!!

[–]Yboc 2 points3 points ago

I'm at that magical time in life, where I've come to the realization that there is very little I wouldn't do for money.

[–]gaveuponyou 1 point2 points ago

In the US that's about 9yo I think right?

[–]Jackmangold 5 points6 points ago

He still deserves the win. He was still athlete enough to beat the next 22 people that placed on an even playing field (because they all doped too)

[–]E46_Overdrive 0 points1 point ago

And all we have now is an assload of yellow bracelets.

[–]AlphaPigs 276 points277 points ago

[–]pugwalker 116 points117 points ago

It's only jpeg because it's been reposted so many times

[–]ATallMan 83 points84 points ago

TIL pictures on the internet lose quality over time.

[–]Meatslinger 16 points17 points ago

Memes, too. It's very meta.

[–]stabsthedrama 35 points36 points ago

You must be new here.

[–]I_UPVOTE_PUN_THREADS 3 points4 points ago

Duh, it's called karmadecay.

[–]cleverusernamestaken 4 points5 points ago

It's not like they age, or fade like a photograph. If you keep downloading something, the JPEG compression each time will eventually end up like this.

[–]I_RAPE_RATS 2 points3 points ago

Nope. Downloading/uploading does not change any of the bits. Thats specifically the point of TCP, to avoid the corruption of data. Copying files is not like a xerox.

Repeated recompressions of the JPEG causes error drift from the original.

[–]Seth_Bader 0 points1 point ago

unless .TIFF

[–]WildBerrySuicune 1 point2 points ago

It's the Second Law of Internet Thermodynamics

[–]Urban_Savage 0 points1 point ago

Figuratively, that is true.

[–]raymonddd 1 point2 points ago

Not over time. Over countless .jpeg compressions.

[–]Johnsmith365 69 points70 points ago

Relevant

Edit: I don't know why it's tagged as nsfw. Won't let me un tag it either!

[–]sandman76 31 points32 points ago

...how is this NSFW lol

[–]midnightsbane04 13 points14 points ago

Folks, he's asking because the picture is tagged as NSFW. Look at the URL for the image, which is what is tagging it as so.

[–]WhyamIreadingthis 5 points6 points ago

Why'd you get downvoted for this? People are weird.

[–]Jakovaseur 19 points20 points ago

You're right, it's not.

[–]SamWilber 8 points9 points ago

Don't downvote him you fools! I thought the same thing http://i.imgur.com/7yXlIGW.jpg

[–]duncan12457 9 points10 points ago

[–]ArcticTroopah 2 points3 points ago

You monster!

[–]duncan12457 2 points3 points ago

Muh Ha Ha Ha!

[–]red157 26 points27 points ago

I have exactly as many testicles as Lance Armstrong. AMA.

[–]TheNinjaOfLove 10 points11 points ago

I have less.

[–]JDM713 21 points22 points ago

but you can't be a girl, this is the internet.

[–]CPTSaltyDog 0 points1 point ago

I have none and I'm a male....ever since...the accident...

[–]orionsshoe 16 points17 points ago

AMA request -- A girl!

[–]otac0n 4 points5 points ago

*fewer

[–]friedchocolate 0 points1 point ago

Not if it's used metaphysically, as in NinjaOfLove is a coward or something.

[–]squashboy 6 points7 points ago

Me too bro...

[–]Gylth 5 points6 points ago

Me too! We should all get together and form a club of uni-ballers! :D?

[–]luftranger 2 points3 points ago

Count me in.

[–]FFSrandy 3 points4 points ago

There are plenty of us

[–]TheBuccaneer 6 points7 points ago

Weirdos

[–]Russlethud 0 points1 point ago

Someone should create a subreddit for those of us that are uniballers.

[–]Russlethud 0 points1 point ago

I know that feel, bro.

[–]lBlackFishl 10 points11 points ago

He's black now?

[–]funkym0nkey77 9 points10 points ago

And he just won the election. You didn't hear? He even talked to Oprah about it.

[–]Lightfail 37 points38 points ago

Username misleading.

[–]Froqwasket 17 points18 points ago

I wonder if anyone has ever commented on his username before.

[–]thefreq 7 points8 points ago

Nope, never.

[–]ChiefBromden 6 points7 points ago

You forgot that he could STILL out cycle, run, and swim most any redditor even if they EPOed up.

[–]CinciJ 5 points6 points ago

yeah he has less balls slapping his legs. makes it easier to run.

[–]ChiefBromden 0 points1 point ago

That's funny, because he has one ball!!

[–]Bradyhaha 0 points1 point ago

I could kick his ass in everything except cycling, my poor legs couldn't handle that shit.

[–]CorporationTshirt 0 points1 point ago

The difference between you and Lance Armstrong is that He is a lying scumbag.

[–]Bradyhaha 0 points1 point ago

>Implying I'm not

[–]RockintheShockin 62 points63 points ago

Eh, I could give a fuck about the doping. He could shoot all the horse testostrone in the world, you still have to get on the bike and pedal. However, the way he tried to bury the people that tried to out him was seriously fucked up.

[–]bestbiff 33 points34 points ago

Considering how much cheating goes on in cycling, I could see how you don't care about the doping. You could even say he was still the best because so many competitors and teammates were doping too. But it sucks for cyclers who were clean and honest and posted great times that we'll never remember their names.

[–]Irrepressible_Monkey 17 points18 points ago

My favourite Tour de France fact is that in the 1930 official rule book the riders were reminded that they would have to buy their own drugs.

Doping was an open part of it for most of the race's history.

[–]xampersandx 0 points1 point ago

Cyclers who were "clean and honest"??? Pffft, Trust me my father has ran his own bike shop for years and he used to race up until his 40s and the sad fact is that even the amateurs are dopeing. They always find a new way to slip it past everyone.

[–]D14BL0 20 points21 points ago

Couldn't. You couldn't give a fuck.

[–]stankypants 3 points4 points ago

He could also still give a fuck. His statement went on to imply that he didn't.

[–]karategoat 0 points1 point ago

He would make a good mafia boss.

[–]amikefox 1 point2 points ago

my thoughts exactly, the most fucked up thing to me was suing and accepting money from the libel suit. Intimidating the press from printing the truth is truly fucked up imo

[–]Dick_Dollars 0 points1 point ago

What did he do to those people? For those of us who didnt follow the story

[–]Irrepressible_Monkey 1 point2 points ago

There are other riders who are strongly suspected to have doped but who are otherwise nice people. No one wants to bring them down. No one talks.

Armstrong gave a whole lot of people a lot of reasons to talk.

[–]onlysaneman_ 0 points1 point ago

This.

One year, if they'd have given his first place to the next, clean rider - it would have gone to the dude who placed 27th. Sure, he cheated, but so did everyone else. He cheated better, and rode harder.

This thread is like saying "I'm just as strong as all those Olympic weight-lifters who take steroids lawl!" Sure bro - go take the steroids and next week you'll be competing with the best. That's exactly how it works.

[–]hungerjohnson 25 points26 points ago

I added more JPEG for you. http://i.imgur.com/dnFg55m.jpg

[–]duke56924903 54 points55 points ago

Posting this took a lot of balls. laugh track

[–]metalguitar103 29 points30 points ago

I think if he saw this, it would drive him nuts.

[–]TheBuccaneer 23 points24 points ago

Quit testing him, guys.

[–]tedrick111 2 points3 points ago

I accidentally left the laugh track on for half-an-hour and recorded it. Now Disney Channel says they like the pilot and they're offering to buy the rights.

[–]KayBeeToys 11 points12 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
I know it's a repost, but it still gives me a chuckle. 0coms 2pts 3hrs pics
I actually hope this is a repost so I don't have to give Facebook credit. 13coms -67pts 3hrs funny
Too soon? 6coms 17pts 2mos funny
Anyone else have this success kid epiphany this morning? 75coms 1182pts 3mos AdviceAnimals
I woke up today knowing what I accomplish today will amount to nothing compared to others.....well until I saw this meme I changed my mind 2coms 4pts 1dy pics
DVD success 33coms 655pts 11mos AdviceAnimals
It's the little things 4coms 36pts 6mos AdviceAnimals
Forever alone success 21coms 622pts 9mos AdviceAnimals

source: karmadecay

[–]reverse_ 9 points10 points ago

You have as many medals as he does, but not as many wins. He crossed the line first all those times.

[–]themichaelcycle 0 points1 point ago

With his main competition doping just as much, if not more than him.

[–]Pony-ignant 59 points60 points ago

Kill him.

[–]dsotm82[S] 31 points32 points ago

....that escalated quickly

[–]MetaphoricallyHitler 11 points12 points ago

Don't kill him. Just take a nut. One nut.

[–]D14BL0 13 points14 points ago

To be fair, this is an old-ass repost.

[–]themauwinator 3 points4 points ago

Implying OP made this

[–]sandh035 0 points1 point ago

I actually did see this on facebook a few days ago. Shocking.

[–]ratatcat 5 points6 points ago

You also have twice as many Tour wins! (0x2=0)

[–]Hoch85 0 points1 point ago

I too was thinking this equation, good for you!

[–]54111 8 points9 points ago

...and more reposts

[–]greg_jenningz 4 points5 points ago

Sadly, I'm on the same playing feild as lance :(

[–]sometimesijustdont 8 points9 points ago

He still won.

[–]Swag2TheMax 8 points9 points ago

but 0x2 is still 0 lol

[–]PoorlyBuilt 5 points6 points ago

Oh my, me too!

[–]Entententent 3 points4 points ago

That makes three of us!

[–]Kw1q51lv3r 2 points3 points ago

Ho boy, have I got news four us...

[–]ZeeHanzenShwanz 1 point2 points ago

Well i've got twice as many wins as you, and three times as many as Lance.

[–]NOT_ACTUALLYRELEVANT 5 points6 points ago

But he has hundreds of millions more dollars than you :(

[–]Irrepressible_Monkey 4 points5 points ago

At the moment...

[–]allittakes222 0 points1 point ago

Time to start hiding assets! Hell, he probably already has. That's why it took him so long to confess.

[–]Arkitrax 2 points3 points ago

If you're going to repost anything, especially a goddamn meme, at least make sure the quality's fine.

[–]Sunyatseen 2 points3 points ago

Well, at least he had the ball to own up to everything.

[–]luger718 2 points3 points ago

2 x 0 = 0?

[–]Aaronf989 4 points5 points ago

Why are we still talking about this? Lol

[–]DynamicSheep 5 points6 points ago

Why did we ever talk about this?

[–]allittakes222 0 points1 point ago

Because it is a story regarding one of America's greatest athletes and the controversy surrounding those wins.

[–]Joshopotomus 1 point2 points ago

I bet you still cant win a bike race.

[–]gaveuponyou 0 points1 point ago

Without taking a lot of doping you mean?

[–]bestbiff 0 points1 point ago

I've never been cool with the testicle/cancer jokes at him. Here's a guy who cheated for years, made millions through fraud, and bullied and threatened lots of people who did nothing but speak the truth. You can take your pick about what you want to make fun of this guy for. But you're going with how he fought cancer?

I'm into offensive jokes as the next guy but eehhh. Not feelin it.

[–]helter_skelter26 1 point2 points ago

Bull

[–]caleom -1 points0 points ago

needs more jpeg

[–]caleom 0 points1 point ago

i bet he could out race you on a bike though

[–]howtobeawerewolf 1 point2 points ago

reddit: where making fun of testicular cancer is okay.

[–]hjhhdsbkln 0 points1 point ago

He did get to win all those races which would be fun.

[–]Floxxomer 0 points1 point ago

so... you have zero testicles?

[–]hungry4hungary 0 points1 point ago

I feel like I don't speak reddit. I posted this 6 days ago...

[–]Joltie 0 points1 point ago

You (Possibly) don't have twice as many testicles. How much is the twice of zero/zero multiplied by two?

[–]Runs_towards_fire 0 points1 point ago

Have*

[–]Timelinemc 0 points1 point ago

I would have found this more funny was it not showcased on every commercial break on the Alternative Rock station I listen to.

[–]Celloyoomi 0 points1 point ago

poor... not so much... he made a lot of money by lying and suing a lot people.

[–]RandomExcess 0 points1 point ago

You had that yesterday.

[–]SantaBattaglia 0 points1 point ago

Would've worked better as a Slowpoke meme. Welcome to the party, buster.

[–]truthie 0 points1 point ago

And one billionth of his money.

[–]kennyko 1 point2 points ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is so funny, because he had cancer and you didn't, and he survived the cancer despite a 50% rate of death, HAHA.

r/im14andthisisfunny

[–]PBR303 0 points1 point ago

Rollin down the street, do an endo, sippin' on schwinn 'n juice.

[–]zbartrum 0 points1 point ago

Actually, I think he probably has two testicles and never had cancer. The whole thing was a publicity stunt. Oprah should demand proof!

[–]killakillakilla 0 points1 point ago

Two balls in your mouth for reposting

[–]dead_badger 1 point2 points ago

raised a quarter billion dollars for cancer research less than lance would be a better caption

[–]csirke4 0 points1 point ago

Yea but he walked on the fucking Moon! Oh wait...

[–]bowls_and_scrolls 0 points1 point ago

Twice as many testicles, twice as many wins.

[–]Zertiof 1 point2 points ago

I don't get it

[–]mind404 0 points1 point ago

Yeah but you haven't done shit to help anywhere near the number of cancer patients and others in general, have you?

[–]phone_moan 0 points1 point ago

you have done well , friend .

[–]Lespaulboy56 1 point2 points ago

well actually, he has zero testicles, so go ahead and multiply zero by two and tell me what you get.

[–]Hellscreamgold 0 points1 point ago

and less money....and less women.

[–]SmokinDynamite 0 points1 point ago

You didn't make that, it's so reposted we see the JPEG

[–]Refridgrator 0 points1 point ago

Twice as many as 0 is still 0.

[–]supermegachaos 0 points1 point ago

2*0 is still 0

[–]bds0688 0 points1 point ago

Fuck you and the 2000 shitheads who upvoted a month old + joke but in dumbass meme form. God, you suck.

[–]cyphersteel 0 points1 point ago

AWWWW Thats a low blow.

[–]IAmARandomRedditor 0 points1 point ago

but, logically that's still one. SOOOOO basically you also have one testicle i presume? HMM?

[–]RangerLt 0 points1 point ago

Twice as many. So 2x1=?

[–]MarkPlaysHalo 1 point2 points ago

I don't feel bad for him at all. How many teammates did he go after with lawyers cause they accused him of taking steroids? Gets everything he deserves.

[–]RangerLt -1 points0 points ago

He was being accused publicly for conduct to which they had no firm evidence to support. If you were a public figure whom committed a crime and someone witnessed it, but no evidence to support this testimony existed and the courts deemed you innocent, for them to then post their account in the New York Times as fact would damage your image. Without evidence it's slander and libel. Whether the information is true or false is irrelevant.

[–]railtenretni -1 points0 points ago

I've been smiling every time I think about it. The clean cyclists may not get in the record books, but at least they get to share the satisfaction of seeing this glorious fuckhead fall.

[–]Monto82 0 points1 point ago

i don't think the second part is justified jackass.

[–]bastihome 0 points1 point ago

Actually i have infinitively more testicles than lance Armstrong. Two times zero is still zero.

[–]liescontrolus -1 points0 points ago

In his defense I doubt most people could win the Tour de France even with drugs to help.

[–]imp3r10 0 points1 point ago

I only have 1x as many testicles :(

[–]Sativadude 0 points1 point ago

Way to kick Lance on the bal...never mind.

[–]Sigma207 0 points1 point ago

I feel like I have deja vu on every other post

[–]spulet -1 points0 points ago

[–]chinqs96 0 points1 point ago

you sure have some balls to be posting this...

[–]Chimedildo 0 points1 point ago

2*0 testicles= 0 testicles

[–]alexthehut 0 points1 point ago

False, 2 x 0 = 0

[–]xjtsx 0 points1 point ago

AND 100,000,000 LESS DOLLARS TOO!

[–]JulyLauren 0 points1 point ago

Can someone explain to me what the "performance enhancing" drugs he took actually did to his body to facilitate those wins? I read stuff about blood transfusions. What the hell can a blood transfusion do to help you ride a bike fast and long? I get steroids for body building... did Lance use steroids for endurance? Someone educate me.

[–]Iluv_Owls 0 points1 point ago

Blood transfusion is also called Doping.

[–]inherendo 1 point2 points ago

You take your blood out before a race. Your body produces more red blood cells eventually to make up for it. Then later around race time, you transfuse your own blood back in. The increase in rbcs allows for oxygen intake. Basic explanation. Ask science or google for indepth explanation.

[–]nobrains_noheadache 0 points1 point ago

this is the first time I've ever seen something on Facebook first

[–]webchimp32 1 point2 points ago

This image has artefact cancer.

[–]Iluv_Owls 0 points1 point ago

Who is your cycling team? (BMC,Lotto,Team Sky?)

If you're not in a team you're a douches bag.

[–]tooMuch411_orNotEnuf 0 points1 point ago

Hey, bub....two times no testicles is still zip, nada, zero balls.

[–]Dawgfan24708 0 points1 point ago

I'm still even unfortunately.

[–]ghost20 0 points1 point ago

And you beat hitler on the amount of testicles as well.

[–]AngelixArch 0 points1 point ago

2 * 0 = 0

[–]psi_storm 0 points1 point ago

Needs moar .jpeg

[–]Mr_Ibericus 1 point2 points ago

He won by such a huge margin, and his competitors were also on drugs. I still consider him a winner.

[–]dekomen 0 points1 point ago

But he has had an awesome life and you're posting memes on reddit.

[–]spike14 1 point2 points ago

2 x 0 = 0 ..

[–]freaksavior 0 points1 point ago

And this was posted a few days ago.

[–]bagabuga 1 point2 points ago

But 0X2 is still zero...

[–]heyydrew 0 points1 point ago

I hit as many home runs as Jason Bay in the Home Run Derby

[–]maevelilith 0 points1 point ago

It amazes me how quickly people went from calling him a hero to saying this crap about him.

[–]Flumptastic 0 points1 point ago

You also have a million times the Tour De France wins of Lance Armstrong.

[–]adhvyth 1 point2 points ago

2x0 is still zero. Sorry OP.

[–]JustSomeD00d 0 points1 point ago

needs more jpeg

[–]Tralfaz2001 0 points1 point ago

LIvE STRONG Oh duh, the "v" is silent. If only I knew.

[–]notsurewhatiam 0 points1 point ago

You can tell this is a repost in many ways, yet idiots still upvote it.

[–]jackn8r 0 points1 point ago

Not as many Iron Mans won though

[–]D371C19US 0 points1 point ago

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppooooooost

[–]Decooco 1 point2 points ago

2 x 0 = 0 you moron

[–]patio87 0 points1 point ago

He still won, all those other guys were juiced too.

[–]prof_s_professorson 0 points1 point ago

Low blow......

Low blow....

[–]deathmint 0 points1 point ago

I woke up today and realized that Mitt Romney spent $800 million on the Presidential Campaign and still didn't get to be President. I spent nothing and got the same result.

Who's the better businessman now?!

[–]nappinghippo 0 points1 point ago

twice as many testicles compared to zero? so you still have no balls

[–]timberwolvesguy 0 points1 point ago

2 X 0 = 0

[–]DarkDog81 0 points1 point ago

I woke up today realizing that everyone saw this months ago.

[–]fuck_your_everything 0 points1 point ago

Zero times two is still zero.