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Porn for god (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by Glinger

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[–]Rolston 222 points223 points ago

Egyptian mythology includes the idea that the universe was created when the god Atum ejaculated through masturbation. Even the ebb and flow of the Nile was thought to be caused by Atum's ejaculation. This concept spurred Egyptian pharaohs to ritually masturbate into the Nile to ensure an abundance of water.

[–]Pooploser-69 265 points266 points ago

TIL the Nile is full of jizz

[–]loverofreeses 286 points287 points ago

More like Pe-Nile.

[–]Pooploser-69 60 points61 points ago

I giggled.

[–]profoundthoughts 62 points63 points ago

*gargled

[–]Pooploser-69 4 points5 points ago

Damn you

[–]MDef255 28 points29 points ago

I hope somebody high-fives you for that.

[–]Drandic 40 points41 points ago

Hopefully not with "that" hand...

[–]pjpat 15 points16 points ago

oh "that"? yeah, i play tennis

[–]CheckOutMyVan 12 points13 points ago

A Wi-five.

[–]Ovary_Puncher 4 points5 points ago

Stahp

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    [–]Mack488 20 points21 points ago

    TIL To never set foot in the Nile

    [–]petzl20 6 points7 points ago

    Besides demigod jizz, there's a lot worse things in the Nile (eg, bilharzia, which you contract just by bathing in it).

    [–]Lansdallius 3 points4 points ago

    And 15 foot long crocodiles.

    [–]Guitello 2 points3 points ago

    Also toothpick fish Shudders... Toothpick fish seek out an oraphis, most likely the urethr on males), stick themselves into it, and eject spikes into the flesh, rooting itself there

    [–]Drinky 9 points10 points ago

    I like your alternate spelling because it looks Egyptian, but it's actually orifice.

    [–]petzl20 3 points4 points ago

    I believe those are only in Amazon ...

    [–]Buck_Speedjunk 2 points3 points ago

    Wrong fish, wrong continent, wrong, wrong, wrong.

    [–]maxwelldanger 0 points1 point ago

    Actually, there is very little evidence that candiru attack humans. The few reported cases have never been credibly verified...

    [–]Symf 16 points17 points ago

    Ever wonder why the ocean is salty? Whales man O_O

    [–]vanbacon 17 points18 points ago

    (.__________.)

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      [–]barkingllama 23 points24 points ago

      Saying the Nile is full of jizz is like saying that space is full of stars.

      [–]Cyberslasher 26 points27 points ago

      1 drop per infinite amount of water? But everytime you look, jizz is all you see?

      [–]Tarkusaurus 18 points19 points ago

      We're all made of jizz-stuff

      [–]R2_D2aneel_Olivaw 11 points12 points ago

      If you want to make an apple pie first you have to ritualistically masterbate into the Nile.

      [–]Rolston 9 points10 points ago

      The great Carl Semen.

      [–]GnarDogAwkward 15 points16 points ago

      We are Jizz. All grown up.

      [–]U-P-G-R-A-Y-E-D-D 5 points6 points ago

      It's a homeopathic cum shot

      load more comments (3 replies)

        [–]KyngGeorge 7 points8 points ago

        S'all good. I'm in de-Nile.

        [–]ozishere 1 point2 points ago

        Se-Nile

        [–]BarryGoldstein 1 point2 points ago

        The Nile is vile

        [–]silent_p 1 point2 points ago

        Technically, I'm sure all water on Earth was jizz of one sort or another, at some point.

        [–]Pooploser-69 0 points1 point ago

        ಠ_ಠ Can...can you prove that?

        load more comments (1 reply)

          [–]Mesthione 11 points12 points ago

          "Excuse me gentlemen, I must be off to perform my civic duty. It's 1:30 pm and I don't want to offend the Gods."

          But holy shit, humanity. We really thought the best explanation for the ebb and flow of the Nile was deity ejaculate?! I know most religions are patriarchal but you don't have to be so obvious.

          [–]herrPed 1 point2 points ago

          LOL. Best cosmogony story, the Nordic one. The giant licking the cow Auðumbla

          [–]ballsdeepinyourbitch 4 points5 points ago

          This makes me feel better about busting nuts into the river by my house.

          [–]Rolston 9 points10 points ago

          Are you a pearl diver? Have you read Chuck Palahniuk's short story Guts?

          WARNING The linked short story is very graphic. I do not want to be down voted because it upset your delicate sensibilities. It probably belongs in WTF. This story was read while promoting one of his books on a college tour. Allegedly many audience members passed out at the reading.

          [–]4thekarma 4 points5 points ago

          That story... is great. You should send it to WTF if it hasn't already been there.

          [–]Rolston 1 point2 points ago

          I'm glad I finally got somebody to read it. I've never had such a visceral reaction to text.

          [–]Isgebind 0 points1 point ago

          Oh god muffins the flashbacks from Palahniuk reading it live...! D:

          [–]NuclearPiper 1 point2 points ago

          Then my ______ ______ ___ ______.

          Oh, c'mon! The story was at least half believable until that point.

          [–]Hipolymerduck 1 point2 points ago

          Nice... Nice.

          [–]Cellophane_Girl 1 point2 points ago

          I quite enjoyed that story. Thank you for sharing. I agree you should attempt at posting it over at WTF.

          [–]NichaelBluth 2 points3 points ago

          "Atum was creative in that he proceeded to masturbate himself in Heliopolis. He took his penis in his hand so that he might obtain the pleasure of orgasm thereby." When we studied this in Mythology, not only did Atum masturbate into his hand, he then ate it then spit it out to create his children, the gods Shu and Tefnut. Tefnut, the god of moisture, dew, rain etc., is etymologically derived from the word which means to spit.

          [–]Rolston 0 points1 point ago

          I thought we got the term nuts from Tefnut as well. The rest of your description directly follows the phrase you quoted.

          [–]NichaelBluth 1 point2 points ago

          According to Oxford, nut is derived from the "Old English hnutu, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch noot and German Nuss."

          [–]Rolston 0 points1 point ago

          Straight forward enough. Thanks for the lesson!

          [–]stray1ight 4 points5 points ago

          Is it bad that I know this from Snow Crash?

          [–]antonivs 1 point2 points ago

          I think Snow Crash was talking about the Sumerian god, Enki. The Egyptians were a bit later, and may very well have been influenced by Sumerian mythology.

          [–]stray1ight 1 point2 points ago

          Stephenson was 100% talking about Enki; I kind of assumed the Egyptians co-opted a lot of the Sumerian mythology like Christendom did with Pagan rituals.

          [–]antonivs 0 points1 point ago

          That's probably true, but no-one has written a scifi/cyberpunk book about it yet, so we can't be sure!

          [–]Loofabits 4 points5 points ago

          dude. weak.

          [–]R2_D2aneel_Olivaw 0 points1 point ago

          I'm doing that to Puget Sound.

          [–]W00ster 1 point2 points ago

          Great stuff - much better than their neighbors who only talk about donkey emissions in their book of mythology, the bible.

          [–]trlababalan 1 point2 points ago

          That IS how the Universe came. No denial about it.

          [–]Rolston 1 point2 points ago

          If you haven't read the story you should. It is pretty fantastic. This god spits in his hand turning it into a vulva. Then he drinks his...

          I would finish if it weren't for the fact that I've had others downvote everything I've ever submitted for offending them once today. Here's a link, Google Books Greek and near Eastern Mythology

          [–]InVivoVeritas 0 points1 point ago

          I bet you never saw these replies coming

          [–]Cruchto 1 point2 points ago

          Im from Egypt. My grandparents never bother to buy water, instead, we drink tap water which comes from the Nile River. Excuse me while I go vomit...

          [–]Rolston 0 points1 point ago

          I'm not sure if you read the rest of the story, but Atum eventually vomits...

          [–]Cruchto 0 points1 point ago

          I didn't read anything. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to Egyptian mythology. Man my Ancestors would come up with the most interesting shit.

          [–]CaptainFiddlebottom 1 point2 points ago

          If I remember correctly this goes even farther back to the Sumerian god Enki.

          [–]Rolston 0 points1 point ago

          I'd be interested if you have a particular book or story to suggest. If not I can always use the internet to find something.

          [–]txp2 0 points1 point ago

          Time for a pilgrimage.

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            [–]ColdBeerz 362 points363 points ago

            Best quote from this scene:

            "I like masturbating. It keeps me sane. I'm a good citizen, I'm a good father, I recycle, and I masturbate. And I'm proud of it, and God's happy! And later, I'm gonna masturbate, and I'm gonna think about you. And there's nothing you can do about it."

            ---Louis C.K.

            Edit: Changed 'interview' to 'scene.' I know this is from Louie the TV series, but if I get one more inbox message about how this isn't a real Fox News interview I'm going to have an aneurysm.

            [–]SolusLoqui 118 points119 points ago

            Important note: this is from his TV series "Louie" and not an actual interview.

            [–]williambeepbeep[!] 30 points31 points ago

            Important note: it being genuine Fox News or not is practically irrelevant, since they aren't a real news organization to begin with.

            [–]dontBatool 27 points28 points ago

            but fudging the details makes everything sound so much better!! ask any religious person or government official!

            [–]SolusLoqui 28 points29 points ago

            Like my grandfather jokingly says, "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

            [–]GamesAreArt 16 points17 points ago

            Or was it your grandfather?

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              [–]mango_kush 5 points6 points ago

              because its satirizing FOX NEWS it falls under Poes Law

              [–]Fluffiebunnie 6 points7 points ago

              and having an actual Fox News host involved.

              [–]your_dope_is_mine 1 point2 points ago

              At first when I saw it on FX (without knowing about Louie, the TV show), I thought it was a legitimate interview. This was also right after I was watching a few videos online of stewart slamming O'reilly on Fox.

              [–]enfdude 14 points15 points ago

              http://reghartt.ca/cineforum/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/christians-against-masturbation-ellen-farber-fapper-louis-ck.jpeg

              [–]Functionally_Drunk 4 points5 points ago

              R.I.P. ColdBeerz

              D.O.D.: 1-17-13

              [–]Strong_Atheist 7 points8 points ago

              Now every time I jack off I'm going to think of some creepy bearded guy joining in.

              god dammit.

              [–]Tarkusaurus 9 points10 points ago

              Ooooh, now every time I masturbate I'm gonna think of you and some creepy bearded guy jacking off. Actually, I'm gonna go do that right now!

              [–]bouchard 3 points4 points ago

              I know this is from Louie the TV series

              Thanks, I couldn't remember if it was actually from Fox or not.

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                [–]Rolston 63 points64 points ago

                This is from Louie on FX (see in the bottom right corner) Season 2.

                [–]dionesian 24 points25 points ago

                blonde chick (to louie): "you're welcome to come, i'd be happy if you did"

                ಠ_ಠ

                [–]cocosmash 11 points12 points ago

                Shakespeare, definitely..

                [–]you_lobsta 6 points7 points ago

                wow, thank you i have laughed so hard in a long time. you sir have given me a gift.

                [–]Rolston 8 points9 points ago

                You're welcome. Glad I got one right today. My comments in other threads aren't doing so well. It is really funny how much validation I need.

                [–]auxientius 4 points5 points ago

                I logged on today thinking this exact same thought. Almost nervous to see how yesterday's comments went. We people are strange, that's for sure.

                [–]petzl20 1 point2 points ago

                The actress for this is pretty poor.

                Don't get me wrong: I masturbated to her.

                Just, I thought her acting was too obvious.

                [–]orionsshoe 2 points3 points ago

                Oh! I though it was from Fox News.

                [–]SorryamSmarts 0 points1 point ago

                haha what the hell how have i not seen this, the ending is one of the funniest things anyone has ever said

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                  [–]POOR_IMPULSE_CONTR0L 31 points32 points ago

                  We probably look pretty ugly to God.

                  "Ew, look at all those imperfect people. That chick has like a mole on her leg, her measurements are only 36, 24, 35 and her left breast is slightly bigger than her right. Geez are like her chromosomes retarded or something? Did she have a day in her childhood where she didn't get exactly 100% of all her daily values? How can she possibly feel good about herself? So not hot enough for me. On a scale of 1 to infinity, I'd give her like a 10, maybe. Plus, what is she doing? If she stroked like 2% slower the friction coefficient would cause her hand to more fully stimulate all of the nerves. I mean, seriously, it's like she's not even doing the calculus in her head while she's having sex. Has she been having sex for less than 10 million years or something? What a freaking amateur. Ugh, get these people off the television. Play WWII again, I wanna see that asshole with the mustache tell some more jew jokes before I send the Allies to ream his ass for screwing with my people."

                  [–]BeatnikThespian 12 points13 points ago

                  I would hang out and also worship this deity.

                  [–]I_Was_LarryVlad 5 points6 points ago

                  He sounds like a pretty cool guy.

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                    [–]rgeguypic 49 points50 points ago

                    I hadn't seen this post in a couple of days, I was starting to get worried.

                    [–]GeorgeThaGreek 24 points25 points ago

                    This sort of loses its funny after the 38th post.

                    [–]smrzan 4 points5 points ago

                    Louis CK, what a wonderful human being. :D

                    [–]shadowX015 4 points5 points ago

                    Oh, Louie. He is my favorite comedian for a reason.

                    [–]Zivenox 15 points16 points ago

                    Who is this chick anyway?

                    [–]Dardove 36 points37 points ago

                    An actress by the name of Liz Holtan.

                    [–]piojosa 18 points19 points ago

                    Now I can think of her too, you know when I masturbate.

                    [–]DadmomAngrypants 24 points25 points ago

                    Commas, man. Commas.

                    [–]bouchard 8 points9 points ago

                    It's OK; he was talking to God.

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                      [–]HighOctaneTT -1 points0 points ago

                      I honestly don't know when (or where) you masturbate, but I'm guessing it's everywhere all the time.

                      [–]Zivenox 3 points4 points ago

                      That you sir.

                      [–]The_Zeus_Is_Loose 11 points12 points ago

                      That you indeed.

                      [–]Zivenox 7 points8 points ago

                      ...damn

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                        [–]DoesntFearZeus 0 points1 point ago

                        She looks like Roller Girl (Heather Graham)

                        [–]Grindstone50k 0 points1 point ago

                        Oh, an actress? So she wasn't really protesting against masturbation? Kind of disappointing.

                        (I haven't seen this show)

                        [–]Dardove 3 points4 points ago

                        Yeah, she is just playing a role. That is why if you look close at the bottom right of the screencaps there is the FX logo and not the Fox News logo.

                        [–]SweetNeo85 0 points1 point ago

                        She was in choir with me at UW Madison in 2004.
                        ...
                        Just felt like sharing.

                        [–]RedsManRick 0 points1 point ago

                        And in an acapella group with me at UW Masdison.. Sharing is fun!

                        [–]SweetNeo85 0 points1 point ago

                        Redefined? Yeah, fuck you guys.not really Fuck Madhatters too. I never even got a callback... grumble grumble...

                        [–]Infantryzone 1 point2 points ago

                        She's going to be one of those people that is 80 but still looks 25.

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                          [–]Gung4din 2 points3 points ago

                          I actually went to High School with her, very nice girl.

                          [–]Zivenox -1 points0 points ago

                          Don't you lie to me. Could you set me up with an interview?

                          [–]Gung4din -1 points0 points ago

                          Not lying, I can try. What is the interview for? PM me with information.

                          [–]AnitaPoon42 3 points4 points ago

                          video: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=844_1313484888

                          [–]newguy57 0 points1 point ago

                          That was a sketch. No way was that real.

                          [–]omiaguirre 3 points4 points ago

                          source: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81752461/

                          [–]JorgeGarrido 4 points5 points ago

                          Weird, because this episode actually is compassionate towards the Christian chick.

                          [–]bodaciousbilly 3 points4 points ago

                          Yeah Louie was made out to be a sad and frustrated person talking it out on others.

                          [–]balloonanimalzoo 6 points7 points ago

                          Isn't this like the eighth time in the last two months this picture has been posted on here?

                          [–]djwink 0 points1 point ago

                          I dunno. I'm on here nearly every day and this is the first I've seen it. Then again, I was probably off masturbating every time this was posted.

                          [–]balloonanimalzoo 6 points7 points ago

                          I'm not trying to be a dick, I just feel like I've seen this a few times.

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                            [–]apullin 2 points3 points ago

                            Phew, this get posted a lot.

                            [–]HereForMore 2 points3 points ago

                            from karma decay

                            Repost from a year ago. The more you know.

                            [–]Phistagon 1 point2 points ago

                            she is smokin hot. If I were god I would spy on her having sex too.

                            [–]shrodingerstherapist 0 points1 point ago

                            Fuck that, if I were god I'd have sex with her myself. She'd be screaming "Oh god oh god."

                            [–]CaerBannog 1 point2 points ago

                            LIZ HOLTAN

                            [–]CtrlZzz 3 points4 points ago

                            Semen stains the mountaintops.

                            Those lyrics never made sense until now.

                            [–]stevesonaplane 1 point2 points ago

                            Beautiful song!

                            [–]speshulty 2 points3 points ago

                            I'm not one to complain about reposts, but I've seen this SO MANY TIMES.

                            [–]Jamboh59 1 point2 points ago

                            Repost.

                            [–]Up_2_No_Good -1 points0 points ago

                            Her face in pic 2. So wonderful.

                            [–]dontBatool -1 points0 points ago

                            she looks like she is going to have a panic attack

                            [–]warpfield -1 points0 points ago

                            And god watches us take dumps? Word.

                            [–]Greatdrift -1 points0 points ago

                            And that is why it rains.

                            [–]bobhasarrived -1 points0 points ago

                            Sauce?

                            [–]Obsidax -1 points0 points ago

                            SNOW!

                            [–]SallyMith -1 points0 points ago

                            And that's how we get snow!:D

                            [–]Wolvenheart -1 points0 points ago

                            What if our fetishes are merely god's ways of browsing for porn?!

                            [–]Lurking_Grue -1 points0 points ago

                            I wish that was real.

                            [–]ponchacito -1 points0 points ago

                            no wonder rain smells weird...

                            [–]BambooEatingPanda 1 point2 points ago

                            http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=844_1313484888 Link for the video

                            [–]lavaslippers -1 points0 points ago

                            Was she serious, or was it a staged show? He ended that great by telling her he'd masturbate while thinking about her.

                            [–]BradBrains27 0 points1 point ago

                            Good on Greg Gutfeld for being a part of this. Also this episode has probably my favourite ending of the series

                            [–]Sneezes 0 points1 point ago

                            /r/iam14andthisisfunny

                            [–]exalin 0 points1 point ago

                            This is one of the funniest shit I've ever read

                            [–]Timbor91 0 points1 point ago

                            is there a link to a video of this "interview"? i saw few pictures and would really like to see the whole thing. thanks in advance

                            [–]yourstoryiscool -1 points0 points ago

                            He's not allowed to disagree with her... she hawt

                            [–]Wisdom_from_the_Ages 0 points1 point ago

                            I posted the part right after this (btw, it's not actually Fox News, it's his own sitcom) where he says he's going to go masturbate to the picture of her in his mind and there's nothing she can do about it... and I got a brutal verbal assault from a feminist. I went frantically trying to find the clip from the Daily Show where he said feminists are famous for not being able to take a joke, but no avail.

                            Ah well.

                            [–]bherdt -1 points0 points ago

                            I find it funny that r/atheism's favorite scene from this episode is when Louie's character refuses to listen to the christian's point of view. Later in the episode he learns that there is value in her life style, but decides that it is ultimately not for him.

                            Learn from Louie.

                            [–]strongscience62 0 points1 point ago

                            fw:fw:re:re:Re:fw:Fw thanks grandma!

                            [–]The_Moustachio 0 points1 point ago

                            They could not have picked a more perfect christian girl for Louis to confuse with logic

                            [–]The_Moustachio 0 points1 point ago

                            I immediately take this back, as it is for his show and he got to ACTUALLY pick a perfect Christian girl

                            [–]far_shooter 0 points1 point ago

                            I have to say, shes kind of ... cute.

                            [–]Aperfectmoment 1 point2 points ago

                            She is one sexy christian though. She could get me to stop masturbating easily all she has to do is be around to clean the pipes when they need cleaning.

                            [–]Pancake4Sale 0 points1 point ago

                            probably

                            [–]bassoonfingerer 0 points1 point ago

                            Anybody have a link to the actual video?

                            [–]InitechSecurity 0 points1 point ago

                            Liz Holtan http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1518514432/nm2949677

                            [–]nyr21 1 point2 points ago

                            Said the same shit about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. He masturbates for goodness sake.

                            [–]rockDcock 0 points1 point ago

                            I thought it was taught that God is a Spirit, meaning no physical body?

                            [–]ICSPOTZ 1 point2 points ago

                            God is the trinity; solid, liquid, gas.

                            [–]shrodingerstherapist 1 point2 points ago

                            Or animal, vegetable and mineral.

                            [–]Jim-Jones 1 point2 points ago

                            Rock, scissors, paper?

                            [–]silkin 1 point2 points ago

                            Grass, Fire, Water?

                            [–]Bronystopheles 0 points1 point ago

                            I still don't understand how Louie was able to do that sketch.

                            [–]MrPoletski 1 point2 points ago

                            I'd watch her

                            [–]Bawb77 1 point2 points ago

                            is it weird that i want to fap to pictures of her just for the lulz?

                            [–]dumptruck93 0 points1 point ago

                            Can we get a link to the video?

                            [–]scpnyc2 0 points1 point ago

                            This was my favorite segment of every TV show ever

                            [–]ninjamonkeys83 0 points1 point ago

                            I laughed more then 10 straight seconds on this.

                            [–]creeper_comments 1 point2 points ago

                            I would ask her to put her hand in my pocket and see if she can find a quarter.

                            [–]bobster979 0 points1 point ago

                            Louis is my favorite person in all of "show business"

                            [–]MergeSort 0 points1 point ago

                            I love how innocent she looks. Like a little bo peep lamb.

                            [–]Anus_Farter 0 points1 point ago

                            How many times will this fake excerpt from Louie will be reposted?

                            [–]davapalooza 0 points1 point ago

                            Just watched the vid, that felt almost like an episode of Louie. But still thank god someone can stand up for Jerkin It.

                            [–]blakelh 0 points1 point ago

                            It is from an episode of Louie.

                            [–]swagwubwub 0 points1 point ago

                            Douche bag atheist logic lol

                            [–]sbp1200 0 points1 point ago

                            louie ck is the man

                            [–]gaelicsteak 0 points1 point ago

                            Louie C.K. : Comedian/Masturbator

                            [–]noncognitivism 0 points1 point ago

                            What's a god?

                            [–]Lunatcharsky 0 points1 point ago

                            Anyone got a link to that whole interview?

                            [–]East_Threadly 0 points1 point ago

                            This may be the grossest thread of comments ever.

                            [–]heyivebeenthere 0 points1 point ago

                            Shakespeare definitely

                            [–]Haplo12345 0 points1 point ago

                            Trufax: Her real name is Liz Holtan

                            [–][deleted] ago

                            [deleted]

                            [–]bouchard 9 points10 points ago

                            FYI, it's a scripted TV show.

                            [–]voivod1989 11 points12 points ago

                            No shit, how can you tell?

                            [–]Arcusprime -1 points0 points ago

                            She's the hottest woman Louis had on his show yet!

                            [–]AmericanAlcoholic -1 points0 points ago

                            Oh god i remember being so turned on by her during that episode

                            [–]painperdu -1 points0 points ago

                            I'd consider pretending to be a Christians for her!

                            [–]Krishnath_Dragon -2 points-1 points ago

                            She is pretty, but stupid.

                            Edit: Yes, I know it's an act.

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