top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]JUSTGIVEMEAHUG 1504 points1505 points ago

That'll do human.

[–]Apostolate 1222 points1223 points ago

"Your usefulness to me has come to an end. Pray that you find new ways."

[–]JasonGD1982 466 points467 points ago

It's going to be one of those days for you isn't it Apostolate?

[–]my-little-pwny 136 points137 points ago

Can someone explain why Apostolate is Reddit famous/infamous please?

[–]Velvet_Minotaur 208 points209 points ago

It could have something to do with the fact that he has the most comment karma for one account on reddit.

[–]my-little-pwny 86 points87 points ago

Thank you. I didn't really notice.

[–]Velvet_Minotaur 106 points107 points ago

It's all right. The less meta reddit information you know, the more time you have to get out. Save yourself!

He did an AMA a few months ago if you are interested.

[–]my-little-pwny 34 points35 points ago

Oh wow. I'll look into it. Thanks

[–]allanputusernamehere 30 points31 points ago

.. and with the warning unheeded, my-little-pwny ventures further into the reddit abyss.

[–]ThoughtlessBanter 86 points87 points ago

^ This guy cares, Apostolate.

[–]PoorCollegeKid420 14 points15 points ago

Save yourself! But here, have some more content to get sucked in to. Classic Reddit.

[–]JackSLO 10 points11 points ago

vi.reddit ಠ_ಠ the tháng thing..

[–]SomtimesSomething 2 points3 points ago

Sigh

Well I mean.....I didn't KNOW I was interested, but now...

click

fml

[–]silaciouskrumb 7 points8 points ago

and he got a whole bunch of it in like 3 days. it was obscene. neckbeards reddit wide wept

[–]g0_west 7 points8 points ago

My theory is that Apostolate is like 10 people on the same account. Sometimes he's laugh out loud funny and sometimes he's a pervy douche.

[–]Naggers123 9 points10 points ago

[–]WhyAmINotStudying 22 points23 points ago

Uh... he has 1.3 million comment karma. How is that even possible? He's a member of the 7-digit club.

[–]mangethegamer 32 points33 points ago

Gentlemen we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.

[–]WhyAmINotStudying 19 points20 points ago

How do you kill that which has no life?

[–]ShazLike 3 points4 points ago

What is dead may never die.

[–]sssmmt 12 points13 points ago

Reminds me of the Club 8+ in The IT Crowd

[–]swrdswllngwhr 8 points9 points ago

It helps if you're subbed to /r/risingthreads and spend a lot of time trolling the new section of askreddit.

[–]OsterGuard 1 point2 points ago

That means 1300 thousand karma comments. Holy shit.

[–]I_just_agree_wth_you 4 points5 points ago

I know, right?

[–]danrennt98 439 points440 points ago

Ugh a non imgur reference. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

[–]ThoughtlessBanter 227 points228 points ago

.gifs or GTFO.

[–]Ballistrophobia 158 points159 points ago

[–]N0T_REALLY_RELEVANT 42 points43 points ago

Seems like he's controlling you very well.

[–]damaestr0 21 points22 points ago

Booo wrong use of your own novelty account.

[–]Ledrias 5 points6 points ago

I would get out just in case.

[–]Dickfore 35 points36 points ago

For those that ain't got the time for that: http://i.imgur.com/dB0wi.gif

[–]Anal_Death_Choke 7 points8 points ago

Holy fuck. Apostolate, this thread loves you

[–]scottay2hottay 22 points23 points ago

Your mom loves Apostolate.

[–]CakeShitFeet 8 points9 points ago

Your mom also loves Apostolate.

[–]scottay2hottay 10 points11 points ago

Oh I don't doubt it.

[–]nermid 10 points11 points ago

All threads love Apostolate.

[–]AnExoticLlama 4 points5 points ago

Everybody loves Kyle ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–]Apostolate 16 points17 points ago

"You like me!"

People complaining about videos:

I'll keep it simple, and imgur

[–]ThoughtlessBanter 15 points16 points ago

Still... No one has time for that. I thought we went over this already.

[–]DrugsOnly 10 points11 points ago

[–]Anal_Death_Choke 2 points3 points ago

Aposlolate, I don't like you. I love you.

[–]megustadotjpg 6 points7 points ago

That'll do.

[–]stevejobstranslator 0 points1 point ago

That'll do pig, that'll do ... http://audiour.com/d4dcti42

[–]superwinner 10 points11 points ago

Shot in reverse.

[–]Cptn_Hook 74 points75 points ago

That was "We need to talk" if ever I've seen it. That cat's about to ask for a divorce.

[–]HunterTV 2 points3 points ago

"I'm sorry, but I just don't need you to need me anymore."

[–]Chimppimp 431 points432 points ago

I wish my cat was this nice when it got sick of being pet. Mine just claws the shit out of my hand or bites it then runs off haha

[–]Dubookie 78 points79 points ago

I believe this is the much more common reaction from cats, happens to me all the time.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]RAPES_YOU_GENTLY 22 points23 points ago

Mine looks intently at absolutly nothing in another area then rushes off towards it. Half way to the projected destination he just goes about like nothing ever caught his interest. I do not appreciate the play.

[–]imakitty 27 points28 points ago

Pay more attention to the tail.

[–]jelect 31 points32 points ago

Cradle the balls

[–]bigbobo33 11 points12 points ago

My cat just leaves.

[–]Jensaarai 79 points80 points ago

Based on my personal observation, most people who complain about this behavior from cats are simply bad at reading signals from the little guys. While cats do often meow/vocalize for our benefit, their primary form of communication is still body language.

They'll be petting the cat, the cat's obviously enjoying it, but then it stops kneading, or its tail starts swishing a little. Then the tail really starts swishing as the human ignores the signals to wrap it up. Then its ears start twitching, or you notice its fangs kinda slipping out of its mouth slightly. Its eyes go from squinty and relaxed to wide open, pupils dialated.

All of these are clear signals in cat language that your behavior is going from enjoyable to overstimulating/annoying. They do vary somewhat by cat, and certain cats have more or less patience than others, but the people who get bit by cats that are otherwise okay with being pet for a time have more often than not ignored everything the cat was trying to tell them.

See also: people who approach new cats and try to pet it, despite its ears being laid down, then wonder why they get bit.

[–]B-Rabbit 62 points63 points ago

pupils dialated

When I notice my cat has dilated pupils, I prepare to fight back.

[–]USxMARINE 8 points9 points ago

SPECIES WARS!

[–]artfop 24 points25 points ago

I have notice this as well, but I'd add another thing:

If the owner of the cat is habitually ignoring the warning language, the cat will learn to go straight to whatever action it knows will get the desired response. The cat has been taught that biting or kicking gets the person to leave it alone, so that is what it does. Some cats are poorly socialized.

Cats who have their mood respected routinely are much more reluctant to bite or scratch. You'd have to really molest my cats badly before they would bite.

You see this in small dogs. Small dogs are more likely to have their emotional state ignored larger dogs. An upset retriever could hurt someone, but an upset chihuahua is still cute. The result is bad behavior isn't properly dissuaded and the animal thinks strong reaction is needed to stop unwanted attention.

This is why there are so many poorly socialized small dogs.

TL;DR: Have had a lot of bad interactions with cats? It is probably you or the owner.

[–]HideAndSheik 12 points13 points ago

An upset retriever could hurt someone, but an upset chihuahua is still cute.

Oh god, how I wish small dog owners would understand that this is not acceptable. I am a big dog lover all the way, but I feel sorry for small dogs; people always talk about how they hate little yappy dogs and how terrible they are, and I used to feel the same way, until I met a very charming and well behaved Chihuahua. It was then that I noticed the difference: the Chihuahua wasn't being coddled. The dog listened to basic commands immediately, not to mention the commands were given in a stern voice and not in an "aww, ok, it looks like Tiffany doesn't want to sit now, that's ok!" kind of voice.

I couldn't believe how many owners would pick up and snuggle a dog that was being blatantly aggressive, "soothing" it with baby talk and even treats. I cannot fathom why people think this will make the dog behave. I mean, look at it from the dogs point of view: I act mean, people back away, and I get rewarded! I get so frustrated...

Edit: I just re-read your post and realized that this was not the point you were trying to make. Sorry for the slightly off topic rant!

[–]Jensaarai 1 point2 points ago

Very good point about small dogs, and something I often fail to keep in mind when visiting friends who own small dogs, especially if they own dogs of mixed sized.

If the owner of the cat is habitually ignoring the warning language, the cat will learn to go straight to whatever action it knows will get the desired response. The cat has been taught that biting or kicking gets the person to leave it alone, so that is what it does.

This is definitely the phenomenon that gets frustrating when you have a cat owner who thinks "cats can't be trained." Their cat has most likely been very-much trained, through the mechanism of negative reinforcement (the real kind, not the pop culture understanding of the term) through the owner's obliviousness.

For all the love the general Reddit population has for cats, I kinda feel like there are a lot of folks who really don't know all that much about them, and can benefit from some basic education.

[–]Rather_Dashing 6 points7 points ago

I agree, cats continue purring long after they have had enough petting, which can make it difficult to stop petting, but if you continue after that tail starts swishing, or when they whip their head around to look at you or your hand, well you'd better have quick reflexes.

[–]Chimppimp 3 points4 points ago

Thanks for the heads up! I'll try to notice the warning signs from now on before it's too late!

[–]Jensaarai 5 points6 points ago

Rather_Dashing also replied with some other good signs that are worth keeping in mind.

Another pitfall folks often encounter is when the cat flips over on its back, showing its belly. Just like with a dog, it's showing some degree of submission, but since it's so much smaller than most of those, it's showing a much higher level of vulnerability. In the cat's view, one strike to the belly from you could pretty much end it.

So you've got a cat saying, "I like you, I trust you. Please don't fuck it up." A lot of people then immediately jab their giant hands in to "pet the belly." The cat tends to respond almost reflexively with, "You have betrayed my trust, now we fight." The end result is a pissed off cat and a human with long scratches down their arm.

In general, it's best to just keep scratching/petting the areas it liked beforehand (like under the chin,) while keeping a sharp lookout for the over-stim signals already mentioned. Then you can slowly work your way towards the belly and build that trust over multiple times.

[–]tylerbrainerd 8 points9 points ago

I'd agree with that. My wife gets bit or scratched fairly often by our cat, who is actually a very nice cat, but mostly that's because it's her first cat and she (wife) reads her (cat) signals wrong. Meanwhile, I've had like 4, so I get their brains a bit more.

[–]Jensaarai 4 points5 points ago

I've been in a couple roommate situations where they got cats without knowing too much about them. I've found casually observing certain signals out loud when we're in the same room, or casually explaining why I'm doing X Y or Z helps the other person learn, but kinda helped me turn things I knew intuitively into explicit rules. Once you do that, you can actually find you'll be a better cat owner, and the cat can be trained somewhat. (Not to dog levels, but still... it's a cat.)

[–]NarwhalAMA 30 points31 points ago

Cats just have a weird way of showing their love for you, that's all.

[–]Pudn 39 points40 points ago

Like creeping into the bathroom while you're using the toilet, and then attacking your defenseless ankles.

[–]CakeShitFeet 21 points22 points ago

Or walking up and poking your face while you're trying to sleep.

[–]option_i 5 points6 points ago

That is my favorite thing for them to do.

[–]CakeShitFeet 3 points4 points ago

It is pretty damn adorable... :3

[–]TheMagnus 33 points34 points ago

I HATE when my cat does that. It's only feet. Why you haef to mad?

[–]gamergrl1018 3 points4 points ago

My cat jumps on my lap and meows at me while I'm pooping.

[–]Noctex 10 points11 points ago

Then proceeds to start to slip...and then its all claws.

[–]Kitten-Butter 1 point2 points ago

Next time, pee on it

[–]kapu808 9 points10 points ago

I think it's called Toxoplasma gondii.

[–]UnappreciatedComment 264 points265 points ago

haha

[–]DeathToPennies 145 points146 points ago

lol, pain.

[–]livefreeordont 4 points5 points ago

always look on the bright side of life

[–]KallistiEngel 4 points5 points ago

My cat will give what I call a "warning bite". He'll grasp your hand with his teeth and claws loosely, not digging in and look you in the eyes, like "hey, I'm overstimulated now so you should stop before I actually bite/claw you".

This happens all the time with him (I like petting him, then I play with him to work that energy off once he's in hyper mode), but I haven't had a cat scratch or been actually bitten in many years.

[–]arkain123 12 points13 points ago

My dog just looks at me with eyes full of love and wags his tail. But hey, yours is good too

[–]surfnaked 6 points7 points ago

Mine tries to work his way around my hand to my wrist, where the skin is nice and soft, then bites that. I'm hip to you; you sly little bastard.

[–]F-Stop 48 points49 points ago

Polite cat thanks you for the effort, but yes, enough thanks.

[–]Liebonaut 131 points132 points ago

"Babe, it feels really good but we need to stop...it's not that I don't like you, I just don't like you like that."

[–]stevendidntsay 153 points154 points ago

Friend zoned by a cat.

[–]Thankspumpkin 82 points83 points ago

Reddit's greatest fear.

[–]superINEK 13 points14 points ago

I wish. Being at least a friend would actually mean something. They always keep me as their slave.

[–]option_i 7 points8 points ago

You, human, I have sullied my box. You would do well to clean it...

[–]Rather_Dashing 20 points21 points ago

My cat does this too and for some reason I always imagine it saying in a French accent "No baby, not now, not until zee time is right"

[–]becksisaunicorn 11 points12 points ago

My cat does this whenever I am kissing his face, he gently puts his paw against my lips and pushes me away. He's just not that into me.

[–]Anthony-Stark 11 points12 points ago

"It's not me, it's you."

[–]cherrylimesoda 2 points3 points ago

Cacao

[–]Murwiz 100 points101 points ago

At least this cat's polite about it. My cat will turn and bite me when he's had enough attention.

[–]bceedub 69 points70 points ago

I see gifs like these, and I think "oooh, maybe I want a cat."

But then I see comments like these, and I think "then again, maybe not."

[–]nothingtodoanywhere 64 points65 points ago

Sometimes I think I can do crystal meth and then i'm like "hmmm better not."

[–]canihaveteaplease 13 points14 points ago

How was pitch perfect?

[–]crazystrawman 9 points10 points ago

Anna Kendrick is hot as fuck. I don't know if this factors in to your decision making. I just thought you should know.

[–]bceedub 8 points9 points ago

I loved it, but I'm in an a cappella group and my friend was in the movie, so I'm biased. I think it's cute, though. Rebel Wilson's pretty hilarious, if nothing else.

[–]JimmyBisMe 4 points5 points ago

Cats tend to do a lot of communication via body language. I'm a first time cat owner of 7 moth old kitties but I've noticed that when they are getting over stimulated the tail tip will start to whip back and forth. Not saying every cat will act like that but I've notice when they start to get worked up an then leave entire chill a bit.

[–]livemau5 6 points7 points ago

To be fair, though, in the 20-some years I've owned cats I only once have been bitten. Here's a tip: males tend to be a lot friendlier. Sure there's some assholes out there, but it's easy to weed them out if you spend a few minutes with them at the shelter, especially adult cats.

[–]Champagn3[!] 6 points7 points ago

I know that feeling. Dogs. You can't pet a dog too much and even if he is irritated then he won't let you know. Cat mentality: this person feeds me and takes care of me, I must be his god. Dog mentality: this person feeds me and takes care of me, they must be my god.

[–]DoctorSalad 2 points3 points ago

My cat does this exact thing to me as well. They're really quite patient and gentle. If you're looking for some low-maintenance companionship, they're wonderful creatures

[–]Stillflying 1 point2 points ago

They are great entertainment factor. My kitten is about 10 months old now, his name is Alistair but his nickname is generally "jerk".

He's adorable, fun to play with, absolutely addicted to bottlecaps to the point where if you open a bottle of soft drink you suddenly have a new friend purring at your elbow no matter where he was in the house before. But he does the typical cat shit.

I'll be sitting on the couch, my boyfriend keeps his warhammer stuff on his desk. The cat will get up on the desk after snoozing on the chair, yawn, and then casually knock shit off the desk. Just to be a prick / gain attention. In the middle of the night he will randomly decide our feet have wronged him and attack, sinking claws into the bottom of our toes (when he's playing with us he's never ever violent or tries to break skin so I don't think he realises the feet is us and just sees movement that he has to kill) among other jerkish things.

Despite that love him to death, he's crazy, has personality and I laugh at the stupid things he does.

[–]Skyguy95 457 points458 points ago

[–]TheDuskDragon 124 points125 points ago

"Raise thine arm and scratch my furry neck, human."

[–]9ren 10 points11 points ago

Thou mayst adore me

[–]Droront 85 points86 points ago

This looks original....

[–]ThoughtlessBanter 21 points22 points ago

Good ol' OC.

[–]Roc_City 30 points31 points ago

you may begin now human

[–]iamrory 18 points19 points ago

Now make it loop GIF monkeys.

[–]I_Trust_OP 9 points10 points ago

IT'S TIME TO START NOW.

[–]Journalisto 173 points174 points ago

Reminds me of my wife whenever I want sex.

[–]Humble_Link_Guy 473 points474 points ago

[–]mac_caddy 91 points92 points ago

[–]bergyd 57 points58 points ago

I always liked this version better.

[–]GFandango 2 points3 points ago

jesus, do you guys just have multiple versions of each gif sitting around?

[–]onetimertony 2 points3 points ago

[–]Saerain 40 points41 points ago

That's sex.

[–]mackinoncougars 119 points120 points ago

I think it's a cat.

[–]powderdd 70 points71 points ago

I can't tell the difference anymore.

[–]guyboypal 8 points9 points ago

Reminds me of the first time I tried fingering a girl.

[–]DrummingChicken 15 points16 points ago

My girlfriend does this when I touch her hotspot and she isn't in the mood..

[–]Duhya 17 points18 points ago

Its wireless for a reason!

[–]notnotcitricsquid 13 points14 points ago

wifi is better than infi!

edit: as in, infidelity, fuck you it was comedic genius

[–]NinjaGaulois 6 points7 points ago

Terrible. Upvote.

[–]Duhya 2 points3 points ago

It took me a while to understand what you mean.

[–]locktyght 51 points52 points ago

It is...time..to stop now....Mack?

[–]abbrevia 23 points24 points ago

...and that was the second time I got crabs.

[–]SpaceVikings 12 points13 points ago

Stinks like sex in here.

[–]AnotherRandomJerk 11 points12 points ago

oki-silli-illi-oki-o. I'm an idiot.

[–]fsjja1 4 points5 points ago

They're fishing your cruiser out of the lake right now.

[–]nianubisn1 2 points3 points ago

Naw we just parked it across the street. wtf look

P.S. Lake LeBlanc

[–]TzarKrispie 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, you are.

[–]newwirt 9 points10 points ago

I kept scrolling, hoping to find this.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

I was surprised the Super Troopers reference was this far down, to be honest.

[–]Lecard 6 points7 points ago

Mac*

[–]lemebro 39 points40 points ago

I love cats because they do things like that. Mine used to press her paw up to my mouth when she wanted me to shut up. I miss you Sassy. :c

[–]TrueCanadianPatriot 9 points10 points ago

Fitting name, gotta say.

[–]lemebro 2 points3 points ago

Her real name is Sassafras, like the root that smells all good. She has little tinges of the orange color of the root, so we deemed it a fitting name as she was also quite "sassy".

[–]DoctorSalad 12 points13 points ago

Awe! My cat will start pawing at my nose about 10 minutes before my alarm goes off, cause she wants to snuggle before i go to work

[–]lemebro 3 points4 points ago

That's so sweet!

[–]vest816 2 points3 points ago

Cats rule, dogs drool.

[–]Jazeboo 23 points24 points ago

"That's enough. Go live your life now."

[–]ParticipleDangler 21 points22 points ago

GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY MAN

[–]WorkWork 13 points14 points ago

I await the .gif form where there is a downvote/upvote over the hand.

[–]pottyaboutpotter1 7 points8 points ago

That's enough for now slave. Change my litter tray and I may let you stroke my back.

[–]speedfreek16 3 points4 points ago

I think it's more "change my litter tray so I can poop as soon as its clean and not a moment later"

[–]amezbro 17 points18 points ago

That's a beautiful cat.

[–]Golden3y3 7 points8 points ago

"Alright, now the balls."

[–]kinggzy 7 points8 points ago

Three scratches. Then I bite. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

[–]Linfinity8 4 points5 points ago

My two year old just watched this for three minutes straight. Have an up vote for managing to do what I can't- golden silence :)

[–]PDelaney317 2 points3 points ago

It's time to stop meow*

[–]c_ross 9 points10 points ago

Your services are no longer required

[–]ADHD_Supernova 2 points3 points ago

This would be a physical downvote.

[–]simplykyle 2 points3 points ago

Enough human, Enough.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]calmdownthingy 10 points11 points ago

Good night, human. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

[–]Kroof 0 points1 point ago

I've had a girl do that to me before when I was petting her..cat.

[–]sezmu10 2 points3 points ago

Stop messing up my furdo, thank you.

[–]justanothertut 1 point2 points ago

Dogs have masters, cats have servants.

[–]Reedey 1 point2 points ago

My cat usually just bites me when it's time to stop.

[–]Angryrobots55 1 point2 points ago

I am literally terrified to post a comment due to the fact that someone might downvote it.

[–]Beklaktuar 2 points3 points ago

Thank you Jenkins, I do not further require your services. You may retire to your room.

[–]Captain_Patchy 2 points3 points ago

How polite, mine just bite me

[–]Creamy_Peaches 4 points5 points ago

My cats just start biting me when it is time to stop....or claw at me while biting me. Kind of vicious....

[–]bballsbest925 2 points3 points ago

It's time to stop meow

[–]alik7 2 points3 points ago

What breed it that? Beautiful cat, and I want one!

[–]angelbluemoon 4 points5 points ago

Came to reddit to see what people are saying about Aaron Swartz, and find that the top post is a cat gif. Well, that's reddit for you.

[–]Nutcup 1 point2 points ago

"Ok ok OK!! No more. There ya go. Calm it down, big guy. That's better."

[–]soosuh 1 point2 points ago

Way nicer than my cat does it.

[–]pippofin 1 point2 points ago

the opposite of what dogs do

[–]joshsg 1 point2 points ago

"hey listen... we need to talk"

[–]alkzy 0 points1 point ago

What's in that bottle with the Japanese label?

[–]geeemess 0 points1 point ago

"No, enough."

-The Extra Man

[–]fungaizim1 0 points1 point ago

Cats are assholes

[–]funknjam 0 points1 point ago

Seinfeld: "I got the tap."

[–]Brahdigy 0 points1 point ago

My cat does this too sometimes. Great gif.

[–]leftofmarx 0 points1 point ago

That's a sign of affection. Cats put their paws on you to scent mark you when they like you. This cat was signaling approval of the scratching.

[–]rikashiku -1 points0 points ago

"My head has had enough"

[–]doordingboner 1 point2 points ago

Only in Japan..

[–]gillybear1 0 points1 point ago

Now you stop that right meow!

[–]nsfwninja 0 points1 point ago

Jedi Mind Tricks!

[–]hahfail 0 points1 point ago

so does that mean mac was affected too....? http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwjfkzYtAa1qbwn9co1_500.jpg

[–]alpacalypse5 0 points1 point ago

It would be great if a normal cat did this instead of biting you

[–]nittick 0 points1 point ago

P.Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney

[–]ruokco 0 points1 point ago

the Egyptians had the right idea...

[–]LevTheRed 1 point2 points ago

"You may retire to your quarters. If I have further need of you, I shall call."