top 200 commentsshow all 440

[–]shun-16 392 points393 points ago

I had a Venezuelan roommate when I was 19 and he had a pet tortoise, same size as that one maybe a little bigger. We just let it roam the house and that thing would sneak up on you - they move quicker than you'd expect, and it would bite your toes if you didn't have socks on. Not as hard as it could but it was always jarring to suddenly have a fuckin tortoise on your foot.

[–]monopixel 168 points169 points ago

[–]Domer2012 113 points114 points ago

Turtle =/= tortoise

[–]carbonxe 122 points123 points ago

=/= != !=

[–]triplea20x 230 points231 points ago

Bitch

[–]Fool_In_The_Rain_ 20 points21 points ago

(=/= != !=) == (=/= ≠ !=)

[–]kostiak 12 points13 points ago

True

[–]TheInternetHivemind 12 points13 points ago

1

[–]richard_mayhew 38 points39 points ago

Not everyone programs, but most people do math.

[–]Garizondyly 8 points9 points ago

I math. Do you math?

[–]AbsolutelyDoubtless 15 points16 points ago

Bro, do you even math?

[–]Sentazar 5 points6 points ago

;

[–]KTY_ 18 points19 points ago

8===D

[–]Garizondyly 34 points35 points ago

8D

:(

[–]Contero 15 points16 points ago

Aww, it looks happy!

[–]k-volare 11 points12 points ago

=/= = ≠ = !=

[–]z3dster 27 points28 points ago

/why? because unicode can

[–]Fergood 3 points4 points ago

In soviet russia, keyboard unicodes you!

[–]NotJoeSuthers 3 points4 points ago

Here's a video of an actual tortoise walking around a room. This one isn't incredibly fast, but I definitely didn't expect it to move as quickly as it did.

[–]annoying_dumb_guy 7 points8 points ago

Someone gif this

[–]electric_zebra 19 points20 points ago

Make it another of those "Hey guys, what's going on in this thread... NOPE." (scurries away)

[–]iCole 6 points7 points ago

or ABANDON THREAD

[–]Randomdude1337 13 points14 points ago

It's kind of funny at 0:18-19 ish when the tortoise lifts it front left foot. Somebody should edit some gibberish excuse-I'm-innocent talk up to that point and BOOM! It's gone ^

[–]R0xx0Rs-Mc0wNaGe 56 points57 points ago

its a fucking turtle, the video even says its a turtle, how the fuck can you people not grasp the fact there are different species of animals? here have a picture of a fucking hippo http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AZPDfFd1C0I/T9J0Ns5t73I/AAAAAAAAAYc/vxL06DBh-AY/s1600/rhino-2.jpg

[–]macdoogles 32 points33 points ago

Here's a picture of a rhino.

[–]babyMeerkat 44 points45 points ago

here's a picture of my mom

[–]ANBU_Spectre 23 points24 points ago

You've waited so long for this. It was destiny.

[–]hibernating_brain 10 points11 points ago

Goddamnit 8.5MB? Someone give me a 'your mama is so fat' line!!

[–]itsactuallyapenis 4 points5 points ago

Yo mama is so fat, that picture of her had to buffer.

[–]BranDaDon 4 points5 points ago

You're Mamas so fat, I'm very concerned for her well-being and will be taking her to the gym...

[–]cyence 16 points17 points ago

Lies. That hippo is not fucking anything.

[–]aprofondir 6 points7 points ago

Dat aint a hippo nigguh

[–]buiwashere 10 points11 points ago

Looks more like a geraffe

[–]triplea20x 3 points4 points ago

Because they look kinda similar, and the first comment was about a tortoise

[–]R0xx0Rs-Mc0wNaGe 4 points5 points ago

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! its a good pro homosexuality argument though.

[–]verdictseven 2 points3 points ago

I can't believe I laughed so hard at that.

[–]embretr 5 points6 points ago

[–]DerpyCat 3 points4 points ago

*long horses

[–]rogueman999 1 point2 points ago

I'm afraid. I'm very afraid.

[–]facepump 4 points5 points ago

Haha was I the only one patiently waiting for something terrifying to happen :O

[–]fermi_sea 14 points15 points ago

Turtles are assholes.

[–]-ass- 294 points295 points ago

"spay and neuter your pets."

-Bob Barker (1923-2013)

[–]zordon_rages 215 points216 points ago

I like how you have already foreseen his death next year

[–]jaroberts24 89 points90 points ago

He's still alive?!

[–]redlion81 64 points65 points ago

That guys has taken so much viagra he is just a walking stiff. Won't die till it all wears off.

[–]CatAstrophy11 32 points33 points ago

He stays limber by visiting Adam Sandler regularly to give him a nice beatdown.

[–]T-REX_BONER 5 points6 points ago

bitch!

[–]el-toro-loco 10 points11 points ago

Rigor mortis has set in early

[–]SpermWhale 4 points5 points ago

Advance rigor mortis.

[–]ScottyDaQ 7 points8 points ago

[–]TheAtomicPlayboy 17 points18 points ago

[–]cs9001 2 points3 points ago

[–]clm51193 1 point2 points ago

WARNING ABOVE LINK IS NSFL

[–]skysignor 5 points6 points ago

If he does die next year, you're gonna feel bad.

Then again your username is ass so maybe not

[–]Major_Butthurt 1 point2 points ago

And weird friends, and relatives.

[–]Seabuscuit 125 points126 points ago

Ahhhh hurts just to watch!!!

[–]TheHotpants 37 points38 points ago

[–]Tim_Drake 4 points5 points ago

The guys are jus begging to be bit!

[–]lallish 2 points3 points ago

Most painful thing I've watched today.

[–]itsmyfourthaccount 2 points3 points ago

This is NOT our tortoise, dog or balls.

[–]cheddarben 30 points31 points ago

I couldn't help but gasp out loud in horror for that poor dog!

[–]MELSU 40 points41 points ago

More like:

Audible laugh.

Immediate sympathy.

[–]Morraj97 6 points7 points ago

empathy

[–]CatAstrophy11 7 points8 points ago

Poor dog? He was being a douche to that turtle.

[–]Rooonaldooo99 6 points7 points ago

My balls retracted into my body and are now crying. Thanks for that OP.

[–]PromaneX 408 points409 points ago

What kind of prick just sits there and films when they can see the dog is gonna get his sack munched?

[–]RedditWithoutReason 177 points178 points ago

[–]LearnsSomethingNew 43 points44 points ago

TELL ME HOW DID YOU DO THAT WIZARDRY?

[–]PRNDL 74 points75 points ago

He purchased the picture.

[–]RedditWithoutReason 145 points146 points ago

Fuck no. MS Paint.

[–]hemlockecho 12 points13 points ago

You purchased MS Paint?

[–]DutchEEE 27 points28 points ago

Impressive.

[–]SweetNeo85 106 points107 points ago

Not really. It's a goddamn cartoon with like six colors.

[–]PilotH 142 points143 points ago

You're a goddamn cartoon with six colors.

[–]SweetNeo85 56 points57 points ago

Yeah well you're a towel.

[–]Anthony-Stark 20 points21 points ago

16 colors FTFY

Also fuck you for making me count.

[–]IIdsandsII 36 points37 points ago

needs more scumbag steve hat

[–]moogoesthecat 67 points68 points ago

Ah, Scumbag Lakitu.

I see potential.

[–]SunsFenix 7 points8 points ago

Maybe it was one of the turtles he tossed so he could film it.

I wonder how many turtles can fit in that cloud?

[–]White_Luigi 6 points7 points ago

There's only one in there at a time, him. He just poops them out as needed.

[–]ThrowawaySkrillex 22 points23 points ago

No. No it doesn't.

Shut up.

[–]gary88 14 points15 points ago

DAE me-mes?

[–]Never_Gonna_Give_You 10 points11 points ago

*Le me-mes

[–]pfftYeahRight 10 points11 points ago

LOL THE HAT IS MAKES IT FUNNY

[–]Hermeran 18 points19 points ago

Needs a larger watermark.

[–]ninten 60 points61 points ago

Why is it the owner's fault? That dog clearly should have been wearing pants.

[–]assumes 64 points65 points ago

Yeah, if he wasn't dressed like such a slut this never would've happened.

[–]no-mad 12 points13 points ago

That dog was naked. askin for it IMHO.

[–]TheMexicanTac0 7 points8 points ago

Or a dick warmer.

[–]eat-your-corn-syrup 4 points5 points ago

the dog was asking for it!

[–]BetaKeyTakeaway 8 points9 points ago

[–]DiarrheaGuzzler 26 points27 points ago

Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don't want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I'm walking, and I'll bite your fucking Jacobs off.

[–]codevii 4 points5 points ago

Goody gumdrops.

[–]nisk 2 points3 points ago

Is this supposed to be an empathy test?

[–]codevii 2 points3 points ago

What's a tortoise?

[–]Sirtet 34 points35 points ago

Walking castrater, with defensive shell.

[–]overlordror 12 points13 points ago

Somebody call Mike Rowe, we've got a new Dirty Job for him.

[–]RadicalSally 2 points3 points ago

Actually he did castrate lambs once with his teeth.

[–]TrepanationBy45 2 points3 points ago

One of those tough jobs that nobody wants.

[–]Woden1Eye 27 points28 points ago

one of Aesop's lesser known fables

[–]Alexdale86 155 points156 points ago

title comnts points age /r/
Ouch!!!! 85coms 886pts 2hrs WTF
Ouch 36coms 737pts 1mo gifs
Yo, quit playin'. 3coms 90pts 2mos funny
Just a turtle and a dog 6coms 73pts 5mos funny
All men can feel this too 6coms 12pts 6mos funny
Never fight with a turtle .. 20coms 178pts 6mos gifs
Well that backfired 7coms 67pts 9mos funny
oh snap! 2coms 11pts 9mos gifs
Hey, what're yo....GET AWAY FROM THERE! 3coms 23pts 9mos gifs
Slow and steady wins the fight. [ex-post from r/funny] 5coms 12pts 1yr gifs
Slow and steady wins the fight. 238coms 781pts 1yr funny
Nobody said Turtles fight fair. NSFM(not safe for men) O.O 9coms 107pts 1yr WTF
Revenge. 4coms 29pts 1yr gifs
That's not fruit! 32coms 178pts 1yr gifs
Males of every species can feel his pain [GIF] 14coms 55pts 1yr funny
Turtle payback 5coms 14pts 1yr pics
SNAP! 90coms 381pts 1yr pics
Goes from cute to Yeowtch 11coms 50pts 1yr pics
Blatant turtle post 2coms 10pts 3mos NotaMethAddict
Looks like meat's back on the menu 10coms 52pts 5mos gifs
Wait...is..he? No...MY BALLS!!! 151coms 1108pts 5mos funny
Never ignore the advances of a love struck tortoise. 3coms 44pts 4mos gifs

source: karmadecay

[–]cwcoleman 13 points14 points ago

[–]SolKool 11 points12 points ago

He circlejerks with himself.

[–]servohahn 25 points26 points ago

It's only been on the front page 4 times already. That's practically OC by reddit's standards...

[–]MAYBE_IM_NAKED 13 points14 points ago

Source: Video

[–]inwardsinging 32 points33 points ago

The dog's (and/or tortoise's) owner needs some sense smacked into them. Not only did they allow the dog to gnaw on the shell (which can cause some horrible wounds to the tortoise) they allowed the dog to be bitten as well. Horrible people.

[–]triplea20x 14 points15 points ago

Maybe he thought the Dog and the Turtle needed to work out their issues like adults

[–]horrorfetish 10 points11 points ago

As a reptile owner, most reptile owners are idiots. There's a group of us online who are respectful, responsible owners. But the average reptile owner that I have met doesn't understand the needs of their pet, keep it in a too small cage, feed them live rodents (a big danger for your pet, not just cruel to the rodents), and might even be the kind to play pranks on people who are afraid of reptiles, even though it can bring harm to their pets and to their prank victim.

As a reptile owner, shit like this infuriates me, but it also has kind of come to be expected.

( If everyone set up a cage like this for their lizards http://i.imgur.com/9100T.jpg when appropriate, then I'd be happy, haha. Featured, my skink's cage.)

[–]IrrelevantLeprechaun 6 points7 points ago

I love how the owners are just standing around laughing their asses off while their dog gets his balls painfully munched on.

And when I say I love it, I really mean I hate it.

[–]Otaku_Son 2 points3 points ago

Except they didn't stand around laughing their asses off; they put the camera down and went to check on the turtle.

[–]tlock8 14 points15 points ago

Well that's one way to neuter a dog...

[–]sapper2345 9 points10 points ago

Thats one ballsy turtle

[–]mattyrs500 1 point2 points ago

Teenage mutant neutering turtle

[–]THRU_THE_GLORY_HOLE 2 points3 points ago

welcome to married life

[–]koerner 2 points3 points ago

cross post this in /r/aww

[–]Nards-of-Doom 3 points4 points ago

Seems that pup now suffers from a severe case...of shell shock. I'll see myself out.

[–]RecoveringRedditor 1 point2 points ago

He was just trying to get him to come out of his shell.

[–]fredandlunchbox 6 points7 points ago

Cards Against Humanity anyone?

[–]_____cadet 5 points6 points ago

And the Academy Award® for [Just the tip] goes to [A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis].

[–]CatAstrophy11 1 point2 points ago

.jpg

4gifs.com

[–]notsurewhatiam 1 point2 points ago

Wrong subreddit, unless this is r/WowThat'sFunny

[–]Snizzysnootz 1 point2 points ago

Thats nothin I've had a hyena bite my nuts..no big deal

[–]withholdthelaughing 0 points1 point ago

Cheap bastard... Neuter your dog at a vet for Christ's sake!!!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]ShadowAssassinQueef 4 points5 points ago

I have RES and I clicked the gif closed before what ever was about to happened. In my mine the turtle turned around and went on it's merry way.

Edit: mine = mind

[–]ReltihFlodaRerhuf 1 point2 points ago

Really? In my mine I have a bunch of gold veins. Gonna make a lot of money.

[–]stootboot -3 points-2 points ago

I keep count on the number of times this is reposted and i downvote it. 17.

[–]AmalgamatedMan 2 points3 points ago

Reddiquette: Please don't complain about reposts. Just because you have seen it before doesn't mean everyone has.

[–]TrepanationBy45 -1 points0 points ago

You care too much about inconsequential pixels.

In ten years, you'll either still care, or not. Why not choose now?

[–]Twoflappylips -1 points0 points ago

Damn that must be painful. Poor dog.

[–]mayanpaw 0 points1 point ago

If that was a snapping turtle

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

What a bitch move.

[–]danmodernblacksmith 1 point2 points ago

well, you leave them hanging around someone's gonna bite them (happens to me all the time)

[–]derrt_flirt 1 point2 points ago

I was anticipating the whole time waiting for that .gif to load. Worth it.

[–]blinton 0 points1 point ago

And that's for helping that dickhead hare...

[–]19800891 -1 points0 points ago

Knew what was coming, couldn't watch.

[–]S-Katon 0 points1 point ago

OOOOH, THE PAIN!

[–]clentz1129 -1 points0 points ago

I call this "the friend zone."

[–]matt01ss 0 points1 point ago

Check out more at /r/babyturtlevs

[–]Waphlez 1 point2 points ago

Needs a loud CHOMP noise added.

[–]PaijeMaster 1 point2 points ago

Did the turtle survive?

[–]tubaswag 0 points1 point ago

As a cat, even I feel his pain.

[–]i-liketurtles 0 points1 point ago

I-liketurtles...

[–]jp_lolo 0 points1 point ago

that was freaking painful to watch

[–]BigPic-865 1 point2 points ago

Why would you setup that situation? You wrong fo dat!

[–]Plume_Latraverse 0 points1 point ago

Damned snappy turtle !

[–]DrunkenPopTart 0 points1 point ago

The worst thing is, you could totally see it coming.

[–]Eaders 0 points1 point ago

Silly dog, letting something get that close to its sac. Almost a Darwin award nomination. Almost.

[–]buyingaspaceship 0 points1 point ago

fuck

[–]idunnothis -1 points0 points ago

poor pooor dog! I wouldn't even wish that on Hitler.

[–]RoosterToAsclepius 0 points1 point ago

All I could think of as the turtle's gaze slowly focused on the exposed ballsac was "oh no...oh no...oh no..."

[–]SolomonGrumpy 1 point2 points ago

That dog - not so bright.

[–]Sydviciouz 0 points1 point ago

I'm not even a dog and this makes me cringe.

[–]I_love_cat_tits 0 points1 point ago

Oh SNAP !

[–]fiftyfifth 1 point2 points ago

Stupid dog should evolve shell.

[–]onionpalac 1 point2 points ago

It's funny seeing people complain about this being a repost. Not all of us live in Reddit. First time for me and I laugh louder at each reloop . . .

[–]gatubel 0 points1 point ago

Ain't that Bitch...

[–]cmart332 -1 points0 points ago

Hey I'm doggy Knoxville and this snapping turtle is gonna snap my ball bag.

[–]aprofondir 1 point2 points ago

I see Colby got a turtle friend. His bad luck is still with him though.

[–]ilm2112 1 point2 points ago

As a turtle, I approve.

[–]RicoX73 0 points1 point ago

Ball nibblers... don't trust them.

[–]gfunktastic 0 points1 point ago

[–]LiLxSPOOZIE 0 points1 point ago

Damn

[–]WellBye 0 points1 point ago

OP is the turtle

[–]bribo54 0 points1 point ago

That's why I quit dating turtles.

[–]flyprdu 0 points1 point ago

This week on "Ow, my balls!"

[–]413x820 0 points1 point ago

Those aren't the berries you're looking for.

[–]zhokar85 0 points1 point ago

I think I saw that here a while ago. Like that gif? Click through the page. ;)

[–]amirborna 0 points1 point ago

In a span of 1 second, I went " Eheehee-awww-thatsux"

[–]MegaSquishyMan 0 points1 point ago

im not even the same species as that guy and i felt that pain

[–]BLAK_attack 0 points1 point ago

That was a good fap...

[–]codevii 0 points1 point ago

GODDAMN! That's one aggressive fucking tortoise!

Is it a Russian Tortoise?

[–]vinunleaded0301 0 points1 point ago

OH GOD NOT THE SACK NOT THE SACK!

[–]apullin 1 point2 points ago

Meh, I've paid girls to do worse to my balls.

[–]FISHHHHHHHH 0 points1 point ago

Never fuck with a turtle

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

He was just removing ticks and fleas, like a true symbiote.

[–]EliaTheGiraffe 1 point2 points ago

Ah yes, the mythical ball-snapping turtle.

[–]carbon-and-stuff 0 points1 point ago

Those aren't grapes!

[–]ElScreecho 0 points1 point ago

Slow and steady wins the race...

[–]billofbong0 0 points1 point ago

!!!!

[–]Latke-Larry 0 points1 point ago

People, please! Spay and neuter your pets. If you don't, a snapping turtle may bite their balls.

[–]p4ssage 0 points1 point ago

This is a pretty amazing video.

[–]MrMeowOfficial 0 points1 point ago

you better watch out if you don't want your turtle's head ends up in your dog's belly

[–]theGreatHoward 0 points1 point ago

That tortoise has balls!