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top 200 commentsshow all 468

[–]JoshAndArielle 1010 points1011 points ago

TIL microscopic pizzas exist.

[–]Kijafa 600 points601 points ago

They're actually the smallest form of matter. Inside every quark there is actually a tiny slice of pizza. They come in several flavors, including "pepperoni", "supreme", "veggie" and "strange".

[–]Heimdall2061 243 points244 points ago

Good morning, class. Today we will be studying pepperoni matter.

[–]RRuS 20 points21 points ago

Asshole with pics of his butthole below.

[–]ThrillinglyHeroic 51 points52 points ago

Asshole with pics of itself below

FTFY

[–]PandaC 16 points17 points ago

How meta

[–]Otheradam66 11 points12 points ago

*

[–]Bentlao 7 points8 points ago

That's a tight butthole.

[–]tagbadger 1 point2 points ago

O

[–]filmguy100 72 points73 points ago

BUTTHOLE BELOW. Do not click.

[–]BantyRooster 214 points215 points ago

I swear these pop up in every thread I enter.

[–]cobra_2109 70 points71 points ago

AND IN EVERY THREAD I MISS THE BUTTHOLE!!!

[–]chlamydiadarling 9 points10 points ago

It's more like a butt-slit. Kinda odd.

[–]DELTATKG 4 points5 points ago

... You're lucky.

[–]fly_guy 32 points33 points ago

and somehow albeit the warning I always manage to click

[–]isopsephile 93 points94 points ago

"Albeit" was just a little too fancy there; you were looking for "despite".

[–]StairwayToTruth 21 points22 points ago

Oh, come on, guy. You know, deep inside, you want to see it.

My qualifications: I read the word "psychology" once.

[–]Edgar4llanPwn 15 points16 points ago

I must click all the blue links

[–]mstfuplx 5 points6 points ago

That's because you visit front page threads, probably.

[–]irawwwr 28 points29 points ago

Butthole is the new asian guy/white girl spam.

[–]boyyouguysaredumb 13 points14 points ago

On the bright side, at least this one's offensive enough to warrant "do not click" messages.

[–]cobra_2109 2 points3 points ago

Yes, but it is so much funnier.

[–]hotcereal 69 points70 points ago

Seeing this in nearly every thread I enter is great. Not because I'm a connoisseur of buttholes, but because it's so out of place and intense. It's almost like a virtual car crash in the instance that you can't avert your eyes, but it comes so suddenly.

"Hey guys, did I hear that you like pizza?"

"Yes, I also enjoy a good ol' pizza"

"BUTTHOLE BENEATH THIS POST"

[–]Neodymium 4 points5 points ago

the skinned dog was a little too much though.

[–]SirFadakar 33 points34 points ago

I love that this exact comment is something you'll see in every front page post. Honestly this butthole guy has to be my favorite novelty yet, and I haven't even seen his picture yet. Please don't link it to me.

[–]kayla_kixx 29 points30 points ago

He always gets a shit ton of downvotes but I gotta say.. the fact he just posts his butthole everywhere is kind of hilarious

[–]LonelyBrotha 25 points26 points ago

I actually am very entertained by this guy. He's the asshole reddit deserves, but not the asshole reddit needs

[–]twentythreeskidoo 10 points11 points ago

AMA request: the butthole poster

[–]stickininyoureye 2 points3 points ago

Or the butthole surfers. Whoever agrees first...

[–]BaconTreasure 18 points19 points ago

Its not bad. I'm no butthole expert, but its not a bad looking butthole.

[–]ImBetterThanYou27 19 points20 points ago

will someone explain this reference?

[–]u_and_ur_fuckin_rope 22 points23 points ago

There has been guy lately posting actual pictures of his butthole in comment threads. No reference here

[–]ImBetterThanYou27 24 points25 points ago

That's hilarious

[–]filmguy100 0 points1 point ago

It means there is a man on reddit creating accounts to show a certain part of his body. When he posts we try to warn people so they wont click on the link without knowing. They are often deleted, but they cant be deleted instantly, so hopefully we help some.

[–]Coffinspire15 17 points18 points ago

I've seen these warnings all over the place but have yet to actually see the infamous butthole. Strangely, part of me wants to see this elusive butthole everyone is talking about.

[–]Kevlar_socks 0 points1 point ago

don't. It actually takes a while to sink in and I'm still not sure if it is an anus or a very hairy belly button.

[–]NJ_Lyons 15 points16 points ago

Oh. I didn't realize you were being literal.

[–]Y_did_I_do_that 12 points13 points ago

but...but.. i came here for the butthole.... :(

[–]craniumonempty 20 points21 points ago

butt... butt... I came here for the butthole.

[–]flytaggart1 2 points3 points ago

I always miss it too.

[–]BloosCorn 3 points4 points ago

Germs should be made out of pepperoni matter. No one would ever complain about a runny nose again. Science! What are you waiting for!?

[–]Birdslapper 6 points7 points ago

I didn't know you could type "matter of factly" but you just did it.

[–]vincentk18 16 points17 points ago

And the pepperoni is stuck on with.... GLUONS! ba dum tiss.

[–]Szos 9 points10 points ago

That's just mozzarella.

[–]Amateur_Superhero 4 points5 points ago

This is a way better joke than I ever expected to find in a thread about a pizza doodle.

[–]welcome2themachine 0 points1 point ago

I gotta get me some of that strange.

[–]withholdthelaughing 7 points8 points ago

Everyone knows that pizza is made of tiny pieces of pizza, which are themselves made up of tinier piece of pizza, until you get to one tiny indivisible piece of pizza, known as "leftovers".

[–]yamehameha 10 points11 points ago

Or macroscopic germs exist.

[–]Connaugh 6 points7 points ago

It's actually the size down from the Dominoes 'Personal' pizza.

[–]swhell 11 points12 points ago

It's actually the size up from the Dominoes Personal Pizza

[–]downvoteme2neg_inf 3 points4 points ago

NOT TO SCALE

[–]drevo97 20 points21 points ago

Warning: Butthole below

[–]noitsnotrelevant 117 points118 points ago

Warning: Declaration of anus above.

[–]apatheticjester 8 points9 points ago

I never even see a butthole post by the time i get to the thread. I'm pretty sure their never was a butthole.

[–]Birdslapper 10 points11 points ago

Your username is relevant.

[–]Kijafa 40 points41 points ago

No it's not.

[–]Birdslapper 3 points4 points ago

The butthole that the other guy posted wasn't relevant making this guy's username relevant

[–]Kijafa 3 points4 points ago

I got the joke, I was making a second joke playing off his username. It was a stab at meta-humor.

[–]Birdslapper 3 points4 points ago

I got your joke, I was making a third joke off of my original joke off of your comment. It was a jab at meta-meta-humor

[–]doctorofphysick 5 points6 points ago

That's generally where buttholes go, yes.

[–]Kijafa 5 points6 points ago

It's gone...for now.

[–]withholdthelaughing 2 points3 points ago

I'll have a medium atomic pizza with a side order of spaghetti string theory.

[–]wknibbs 289 points290 points ago

this is why i always leave my food on the floor for 4 seconds. just to really piss them off.

[–]angelok91 51 points52 points ago

They'll retaliate by going all over your toothbrush. Yum.

[–]Saveursocks 109 points110 points ago

I don't brush my teeth. So joke's on them.

[–]Ag-E 26 points27 points ago

They're busy working on dissolving your teeth.

[–]20127010603170562316 43 points44 points ago

Nah, alcohol kills dem tooth bugs

[–]Birdslapper 8 points9 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]pancakesyrup 10 points11 points ago

:( I dont want to brush my teeth anymore...

[–]Battletooth 13 points14 points ago

Quite possibly the best plan to avoid germs that I've ever heard.

[–]rick2882 18 points19 points ago

Gargle vodka.

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 98 points99 points ago

I remember the Mythbusters episode on this. Damn, I need to start watching that show again

[–]UsesName 41 points42 points ago

The 5-second rule isn't about knowing, it's about not caring.

[–]Fyrus 45 points46 points ago

What was their conclusion?

[–]scottydg 120 points121 points ago

Depends on the food and the surface. Harder foods won't absorb as much bacteria as softer foods. Some surfaces in the house are dirtier than others. So dropping a slice of meat on the floor of your kitchen is bad, but dropping a cracker on the table is alright.

[–]IronOxide42 34 points35 points ago

And the cleanest spot was the toilet.

[–]randombabble 6 points7 points ago

What about dropping meat on table?

[–]empossible 16 points17 points ago

From Wikipedia:

Busted: This myth yielded a varied number of results, but in the definitive test where the only variable was time, the myth was definitively busted. There was no real difference in the number of bacteria collected from 2 seconds exposure as there was from 6 seconds exposure. Instead, the texture and moisture inherent to the food dropped dictate the amount of bacteria collected.

[–]digirat 29 points30 points ago

that the food gets contaminated the instant it hits the floor... not after 5 seconds

[–]redwall_hp 36 points37 points ago

And that it really doesn't matter. But germophobes gonna phobe.

[–]TK503 29 points30 points ago

The owner of the pizza has the right to declare '10 seconds' if he must. The Germ King must comply.

[–]SpamFilterHatesMe 14 points15 points ago

So you're just going to stare at your pizza for 9 seconds?

[–]Krum84 22 points23 points ago

He was a true King

[–]thebrid 84 points85 points ago

[–]aktufe 76 points77 points ago

Risky shirt. Slightly resembles a seed-sprinkled turd.

[–]este_hombre 4 points5 points ago

I was worried this would be a butthole.

[–]joekonuts 7 points8 points ago

I got this on a random shirt day, I love when people work out what it means!

[–]krunch_87 4 points5 points ago

and a cartoon on the wiki page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five-second_rule

[–]TheRedRabblT 46 points47 points ago

A gift

Attack!

TIL germs attack their gifts

[–]mordicat1989 23 points24 points ago

germs will attack anything. gifts, host organisms, puppies - germs are the bullies of the microscopic world

[–]Kijafa 5 points6 points ago

Germs are assholes.

[–]Gottheit 7 points8 points ago

If I were given a pizza gift, I'd sure as hell attack it.

I'd attack the fuck out of it.

[–]70000 48 points49 points ago

That's my rule for minimum time to finish during sex

[–]balchynz 52 points53 points ago

Minimum? Shit it's my maximum

[–]LincolnSt 4 points5 points ago

All you people who are so scared of germs are going to create a super bug that kills us all. Just FYI.

[–]Goredby21 5 points6 points ago

You can only look for 3 seconds then look away.

[–]damn_redditors 5 points6 points ago

Fun fact, there's a scientific paper testing this rule:

Dawson P, Han I, Cox M, Black C, Simmons L.: Residence time and food contact time effects on transfer of Salmonella Typhimurium from tile, wood and carpet: testing the five-second rule. J Appl Microbiol. 2007 Apr;102(4):945-53.

Two great things happen in this paper, the first great thing are the conclusions:

  (i) Salmonella Typhimurium can survive for up to 4 weeks on dry surfaces in high-enough populations to be transferred to foods and (ii) S. Typhimurium can be transferred to the foods tested almost immediately on contact.

and the second great thing:

However, there is a perception by the general population that if food is dropped and picked up very quickly from an unsanitary surface, the food may not be too contaminated to consume (Sefton 2003; Wikipedia 2005).

That is the first time I see a scientific paper cite Wikipedia! OK, it's not completely serious, but still...

And before anyone complains about "our tax-money being wasted on this???", this study was performed by undergraduates, I'm fairly sure it cost less than $50.

[–]ddxxdd 2 points3 points ago

That's an awfully nice paper for a bunch of undergraduates. They even accounted for how clean the surface was prior to exposure.

But they tested pizza cleanliness as a function of surface cleanliness, for pizzas exposed to the tile for 5 seconds, 30 seconds, and 60 seconds. What they should have done was make the pizza exposure time variable, testing the CFU level of the pizza for 1 second of exposure, 2 seconds, 3 seconds, 4 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 15 seconds, 20 seconds, etc.

I don't think that their paper did a good enough job addressing the actual mechanics behind the 5 second rule.

[–]rikker_ 3 points4 points ago

The 5-second rule is a social contract. It's how we balance our desire not to waste food with our desire not to be seen as garbage-eating slobs.

The true meaning when invoked: "If you agree not to judge me for eating food off the ground as long as it is within 5 seconds, I agree to do you the same courtesy."

Edit: Typos.

[–]nukefudge 7 points8 points ago

[–]ecklcakes 3 points4 points ago

Why....why would they attack a gift?

[–]Jayisonfire 3 points4 points ago

I am the toast king. I rule over the moon.

[–]Chickiepie 3 points4 points ago

When my daughter was a baby, and dropped stuff all the time, she thought i was saying "free ticket booth" for five second rule. So today, in our house, it's still free ticket booth.

[–]JeppeL 4 points5 points ago

I know it as the 2 minutes rule..

[–]iRedditn 12 points13 points ago

I didn't know that rule also applied to reposting...

[–]Warbladed 2 points3 points ago

It's not so much a repost (to me) as much as this joke already being everywhere.

[–]dishi 4 points5 points ago

This is an old joke, expressed better in this T-shirt. http://s3.amazonaws.com/wootsaleimages/5_Second_RulewpzDetail.png

[–]Jmrwacko 0 points1 point ago

IDK about you, but it's the 10 second rule for me.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Such a wise and noble king.

[–]sdkone 0 points1 point ago

my policy: 0 second tolerance.

[–]lumograph 0 points1 point ago

I've always considered the five second rule as a way of distinguishing between something you briefly dropped on the floor, and something you found there. Germs are everywhere.

[–]The69bandit 0 points1 point ago

I hate to be the one comment on how this joke is old and hackneyed.

[–]FiggotNagger 2 points3 points ago

MMM Karma worthy content- WAIT. We must wait 5 seconds before we can repost it again!

[–]murybcm 2 points3 points ago

So that's what germs look like...

[–]freshwest 2 points3 points ago

Non Sequitur has a hilarious comic on this as well: Link

[–]Spudymo 0 points1 point ago

5 second rule.

[–]mapkinase 0 points1 point ago

The picture is not complete. There is no man, and most importantly, HIS bacteria, present in the picture.

[–]kidcheckers 0 points1 point ago

Why is this funny or garnering attention? The joke's been done to death. I'm honestly curious.

[–]kisssmygrits 2 points3 points ago

i posted this like 2 weeks ago on imgur. my friend, Triann, is the original artist. http://imgur.com/gallery/nmGYR

[–]yanniD 3 points4 points ago

past the five second rule? run it under some hot water, it'll be fine

[–]belkarbitterleaf 10 points11 points ago

soggy pizza.... yum.

[–]yanniD 3 points4 points ago

wouldn't putting the pizza back in the microwave kill the germs?

[–]Saydeelol 5 points6 points ago

Or just don't be so afraid of germs.

[–]SlunkMaster 3 points4 points ago

Most bacteria takes a bit longer than 5 seconds to actually attach itself to dry foods.

[–]Moikle 12 points13 points ago

but if you drop food it can still stick to dirt particles on the floor, which in turn are covered in bacteria

[–]spyd3rweb 4 points5 points ago

A dry hard floor isn't going to be a very hospitable place for bacteria anyways. Now if you dropped something into a sink drain or a trash can then you can start to worry.

[–]Tygrease 2 points3 points ago

I heard a comedian do this exact joke about a year ago.

[–]rp20 1 point2 points ago

I wonder if they would wait if one of their buddies was crushed by the pizza.

[–]yamehameha -1 points0 points ago

That chief germ is straight up balla

[–]myth4ks -1 points0 points ago

I thought it was a 2 sec rule

[–]MagicTrees 0 points1 point ago

Don't forget it turns into the 10 second rule after 5 seconds is up

[–]thecasino 1 point2 points ago

Where is shitty_watercolour

[–]suckerblow -1 points0 points ago

I'm glad the pizza landed upright.

[–]count_of_monte_fisto 0 points1 point ago

I know the pizza is really small but I didn't notice at first and it made me LOL just the same. Really clever.

[–]Froznbullet 0 points1 point ago

Heard its actually 50 seconds according to mythbusters

[–]withholdthelaughing 0 points1 point ago

Very disappointed... Based on the title, I was expecting porn.

[–]BendTime 0 points1 point ago

You know, the '5 second rule' was never meant to be taken seriously anyway.

[–]jordanks91 0 points1 point ago

  • however many seconds it takes to get it off the floor

[–]Stup1dDumb -1 points0 points ago

This whole time I thought it was a 10 second rule...... ಠ_ಠ

[–]boyinastitch 0 points1 point ago

What. I saw this on tumblr several days ago. Something started on tumblr THEN came to reddit????? Inconceivable!

[–]zoinkie 1 point2 points ago

This is an inaccurate picture of pizza falling on the floor. It should be upside down.

[–]Fugdish 1 point2 points ago

What if your food lands on the germs?

[–]CatFlavoredToast -1 points0 points ago

This is some old Highdeas gold.

[–]Tetelesthai -1 points0 points ago

I always call it the "however-long-it-takes-to-pick-it-up rule"

[–]downvote_tryhard 0 points1 point ago

i am big fan of t + 1 second rule; t = current time

[–]MufasaJesus 0 points1 point ago

Why must every thread be full of butthole? Stop fueling this bastard, there should be one warning, and then you upvote it.

[–]NathaNRiveraMelo 0 points1 point ago

I guess that's kind of a cute way of depicting germs.

[–]Crummie -1 points0 points ago

This just screams trendy t shirt.

[–]MIKEPEE123 -1 points0 points ago

3 second rule dummy

[–]Aknightsword 1 point2 points ago

Why would you attack a gift?

[–]as_above_so_below 0 points1 point ago

Be quick you might have to revert to the 10 second rule.

[–]meerkat12345 0 points1 point ago

maybe i want the Dots to invade my pizza!

[–]brendan0077 0 points1 point ago

I used to tease my sister and say it was the '20 second rule' - she would proceed to go ballistic over it.

[–]sckawt88 0 points1 point ago

great, this is exactly what i want to see after literally dropping my pizza on a cafeteria table, eating it, and worrying about germs. Q_Q

[–]brownusn 1 point2 points ago

not sure if really small pizza, or just really huge germs.

[–]bohemian_catcity -1 points0 points ago

Where's the butthole pic!? please don't tell me...

[–]dacookeymonsta 0 points1 point ago

This only works in Christian areas, as germs are required to say grace before eating.

[–]Ktulu300 0 points1 point ago

I'd like to think that their ruler has all sorts of germ regulations that he imposes upon his subjects.

[–]SirLancelotTheBrave -1 points0 points ago

Top post on Reddit /r/all as of 6:45pm cst... Wow

[–]greenlalablue 0 points1 point ago

Whoa, you drawing style is the same as mine, are you me?

[–]prototato 0 points1 point ago

I always thought they just land on the germs.

[–]FeatofClay 0 points1 point ago

This is complete crap. Everyone knows that germs go ahead and attack, but they don't get a good grip for five seconds. They therefore fall off on the item's journey from the floor to your mouth.

[–]Cooey 0 points1 point ago

[–]evilpuppy67 0 points1 point ago

My brother guessed "pizza rolls" and then "hot pockets" when he couldnt get the picture

[–]blacknred522 0 points1 point ago

With the account of germs on everything else i'm surprised people get paranoid after five seconds, I've eaten a year old fry from my car. (I was stranded in the middle of no where )

[–]rododendrone 0 points1 point ago

Whenever I see these kind of great and simply drawn funny ideas, I think to myself: WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?!

[–]jiggyq 0 points1 point ago

[–]imjustdrunk 0 points1 point ago

The original version of this was funnier

[–]GinsengT 0 points1 point ago

http://highdeas.com/hd/5_second_rule_4 where needydog stole this from

[–]Noel_S_Jytemotiv -1 points0 points ago

TIL what germs look like.

[–]xMythx 1 point2 points ago

Many people consider King Quints' law to be stupid, few dare cross him though.

[–]Material_Defender 0 points1 point ago

Wow, I just dropped a hotdog on the street outside and picked up really fast and am eating it right now.

Am i going to die?

[–]Hotrootsoup 0 points1 point ago

"It got lots of karma, lets repost it!" "No, we must wait 4 days!"

[–]TheyCallMeTheFlower -1 points0 points ago

WTF! This was on the front page last week!! WTF

[–]bkh 0 points1 point ago

If I get it before the dog does, it's still good.

[–]drcarlos 0 points1 point ago

I like to think that germs are dazed and confused when stuff lands on top of them, and it takes them five seconds to realize what is going on.

[–]ExiledLuddite 1 point2 points ago

[–]Spira9 1 point2 points ago

I thought the rule was 3 seconds..

[–]ShadowSkill 0 points1 point ago

Is it that you must get it off the ground before 5 seconds or the rule of "you don't eat things off the ground" only lasts for 5 seconds?

Either way, I'm going to eat the fucking pizza.

[–]The_Greaser_72 0 points1 point ago

It is a legitimate rule.

[–]SoWonky 0 points1 point ago

Seriously though, germs are so small. By the time they reach my pizza, I already picked it up, DUH!

[–]IByrdl 1 point2 points ago

[–]Nave1295 1 point2 points ago

Can I ask a practical question? Why would you attack a gift?

[–]Senor_Nach0s 0 points1 point ago

Following the Germeva Conference regulations, I see.

[–]J_Jammer 0 points1 point ago

I love germs.

[–]amerisnob 0 points1 point ago

Definitely not a shitty watercolor.

In all seriousness, that's awesome.

[–]RyoukoAsakura 0 points1 point ago

This was taken from "The Far Side"...

[–]baseball44121 0 points1 point ago

I'm sorry but I've seen about 50 different variations of these all make the front page...

[–]KyotoGaijin -1 points0 points ago

The same concept exists in Japan, but it's called the "three-second rule". Gotta be faster.

[–]Jabberjowls 0 points1 point ago

I dropped a barbeque riblette in the Iraqi desert and ate it before 5 seconds of ground contact; ever since IBS O.o

[–]hippo42 0 points1 point ago

As a student, this has crept up to what is now the 20 second rule.