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top 200 commentsshow all 483

[–]mikemerc 250 points251 points ago

Thank god! I was tired of using mouth wash to masturbate.

[–]aequitas3 109 points110 points ago

I use the ear plugs because I masturbate too loud, and the shoe mitt because it feels like you are getting jacked off by a teddy bear.

[–]Relvnt_to_Yr_Intrsts 23 points24 points ago

I use the showercap and face soap for obvious resons

[–]wtighe02 6 points7 points ago

Yeah, and the shampoo kept foaming up on me.

[–]danieleinad86 2 points3 points ago

sooo, you were Masturfreshing

[–]llamas1355 536 points537 points ago

hampton inn?

Edit- a bonus because I stayed a a Hampton Inn last weekend. And because I might be a hoarder.

[–]sudsomatic 63 points64 points ago

I'm at a Hampton Inn right now! We must go deeper

[–]Ganahim 35 points36 points ago

Naked albino midgets?

[–]cr1spybacon 3 points4 points ago

Thank you so much for pointing that out

[–]dragonstorm27 22 points23 points ago

Are we going deeper?

[–]aspoon 211 points212 points ago

I'M AT A HAMPTON RIGHT NOW

[–]JontanD 282 points283 points ago

MASTURBATING?

[–]uptwolait 400 points401 points ago

YES, COME TO ROOM 404!

[–]JontanD 536 points537 points ago

CANNOT BE FOUND

[–]Too_many_pets 139 points140 points ago

Try room 1408.

[–]scuba_biscuit 32 points33 points ago

There ain't nothin' in Room 237. So stay out!

[–]FarmerTedd 22 points23 points ago

Thank you Mrs. Torrance

[–]smpx 77 points78 points ago

There's no one here, just an empty room, an opened bottle of booze, and a single lit cigarette...

[–]F1ddlesticks 31 points32 points ago

Stay away from Room 101, though

[–]KingToasty 36 points37 points ago

Wait, it's a class on how to rooms. Dammit.

[–]JesusChrist5 2 points3 points ago

AND ROOM 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23

[–]Kritz7 8 points9 points ago

Last time I went they had a serious rodent problem. Would not recommend.

[–]DarthCaesar 0 points1 point ago

I'm in room 237, come find me.

[–]QUANTlTATlVE 22 points23 points ago

That's one Evil. Fucking. Room.

[–]thatazianguy 5 points6 points ago

No that would be Room 101.

[–]kittycatoverdose 9 points10 points ago

What the hell is this place?!

[–]vORP 12 points13 points ago

Try Room 9 and ¾'s?

[–]Cocomunky 10 points11 points ago

[–]D4rkr4in 2 points3 points ago

oh the nopes he gave later.

[–]binkkit 2 points3 points ago

Room 714, I'll be waiting.

[–]fb39ca4 1 point2 points ago

Incest, incest everywhere!

[–]FarmerTedd 40 points41 points ago

They meant 504

edit: Just keep knocking. Someone is there

[–]AussieLizard 46 points47 points ago

I'm in 405. Could you be a little quieter? Please.

[–]trixter192 41 points42 points ago

Use you complimentary ear plugs.

[–]AussieLizard 44 points45 points ago

I am. But after what I did to them, I'm not putting them anywhere near my ears.

[–]reparadocs 61 points62 points ago

THEY WERE LABELED CLEARLY. YOU USE THE MASTURBATE BOTTLE FOR MASTURBATION AND THE EAR PLUGS FOR EAR PLUGATION. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

[–]AussieLizard 26 points27 points ago

I ran out of the masturbation lotion just after I got here. Now I feel bad asking for more so soon....so I improvized. I'm regretting it now though.

[–]Liquid_Fire_ 15 points16 points ago

Ask for more ear plugs!

[–]uptwolait 17 points18 points ago

That room is across the hall. I guess I really need to be quieter.

[–]AussieLizard 20 points21 points ago

You should also close your door.

[–]ASOTATW 42 points43 points ago

I just can't seem to find that room..

[–]ijk1 15 points16 points ago

It's OK. Everyone knows you were first.

[–]bigchillrob 12 points13 points ago

Don't you dare come to room 403, though.

[–]Relvnt_to_Yr_Intrsts 6 points7 points ago

I came as soon as I heard

[–]lunchboxg4 4 points5 points ago

Holy shit, I was just in room 404 in a Hampton Inn. Are you me?

Seriously. It smelled like smoke, so we got moved, but it happened.

[–]Killbunny90210 2 points3 points ago

COME TO ROOM 404!

[–]McDersh 11 points12 points ago

I COULD'NT FIND IT.

[–]imbetterthanmyself 2 points3 points ago

Better than room 101.

[–]aspoon 2 points3 points ago

Only a 3 story Hampton :(

[–]economistic 4 points5 points ago

Can't find it

[–]aspoon 12 points13 points ago

Not really, I have a problem...Here and Here

[–]MeowNeko 12 points13 points ago

Hi, is that reception? Yeah, I forgot to pack masturbatory lotion.

[–]JontanD 15 points16 points ago

"Hold on tight sir, we will send some up as quick as we can. Sophie? Please take this lotion up to the gentleman in room 302, and wear the bikini this time! No complaints tonight!"

[–]MeowNeko 2 points3 points ago

"Thank you very much, and I assure you sir, I'm holding on as tight as I can."

[–]v2subzero 46 points47 points ago

Bonus- Because I work at a Hampton inn.

Imgur Imgur Imgur Imgur

[–]llamas1355 18 points19 points ago

I'm glad you replied. Two questions-

  1. Is there a Deluxe Hampton Inn that has the earplugs and face soap we missed out on those?

  2. The one I just stayed at seemed to only have double or king beds are there no queens?

[–]v2subzero 8 points9 points ago

  1. Hampton inn and Suites. I work at a Inn and suites my guess is you were at a normal Hampton. The ear plugs and face soap should have been there
  2. I actually have rooms with Two queens, One King, Or a king and queen sized sleeper sofa.

[–]ruuuhhy 2 points3 points ago

The amenities are optional and available to all Hampton hotels, not just the & Suites properties.

Source: AGM of a Hampton Inn.

[–]Teotwawki69 197 points198 points ago

More like Handjob Inn.

[–]jaggazz 90 points91 points ago

HEY-OOOO!!!!

[–]THIS_POST_IS_FAKE 19 points20 points ago

OOOO-YEH

[–]LaserBeam2000 10 points11 points ago

[–]WolvesAtOldGilsDoor 22 points23 points ago

the swankiest toiletry-stocked hampton I've ever seen...

[–]OwlsDiving 73 points74 points ago

wankiest

[–]Say_Irish_Wristwatch 3 points4 points ago

Classy. Classy fellow.

[–]OwlsDiving 10 points11 points ago

I keep every single hotel shampoo bottle I get if it's still full. That stuff is good.

[–]RealNotFake 9 points10 points ago

That moisturizer lotion is the fucking bomb. It smells good, it moisturizes and it doesn't dry greasy. I steal that shit every time I go. I even looked it up to try and buy it in bulk but apparently it's a Hampton-only brand.

[–]Phoequinox 12 points13 points ago

Masturizer.

[–]Jpc1900 56 points57 points ago

Only if you want apple cinnamon scented genitals.

[–]philgr99 45 points46 points ago

There speaks the voice of experience

[–]tuckerfrye 20 points21 points ago

Wrong chain. Holiday Inn does the cinnamon scent. I practically live in Hamptons right now.

[–]pumpkindog 3 points4 points ago

Marriott is orange scented

[–]ExplainsYourJoke 13 points14 points ago

you say that as if its a bad thing..

[–]a_random_hobo 9 points10 points ago

Who would not want apple-cinnamon scented genitals?

[–]Mrninjamonkey 104 points105 points ago

What is Masturbate filled with?

[–]znat 317 points318 points ago

Masturbation.

[–]uptwolait 135 points136 points ago

Years and years of poor choices and tears.

[–]jdk 6 points7 points ago

Masturbation, result of.

--Yoda

[–]pseudo721 106 points107 points ago

It was empty when he got there.

[–]chiupacabra 9 points10 points ago

Masturbatum.

[–]DemonicAmoeba 21 points22 points ago

Probably some kind of lotion. Or sperm

[–]Kaymank 9 points10 points ago

Tears

[–]Littlef00t 83 points84 points ago

No that's where your baby juice goes, the last guy was just an overachiever.

[–]JontanD 29 points30 points ago

Or stayed a few days.

[–]fuckingnihilists 21 points22 points ago

Or it's the accumulation from a number of guests.

[–]smokey_smokestack 26 points27 points ago

Or Butters.

[–]Jrodkin 13 points14 points ago

It's cum.

[–]JimmyJamesincorp 187 points188 points ago

Honest question: Is it really necessary to spank it with lotion? I've never felt the need.

[–]distantapplause 224 points225 points ago

I'm guessing you're uncircumcised. For circumcised men it's apparently quite crucial. Took me a while to figure it out too.

EDIT: stop telling me about your wanking habits, reddit

EDIT: okay, for some circumcised men it's apparently quite crucial. Please stop telling me that you personally 'dry dog it'. It's late and I have the weirdest boner.

[–]ra4king 97 points98 points ago

Err....I've never used lotion in my life and I'm circumcised........

[–]seamouse 37 points38 points ago

Same...didn't know that was a thing.

[–]sigaven 9 points10 points ago

same here. Although I have a lot of loose skin for a circumcised guy so I guess that makes a difference

[–]fiction8 38 points39 points ago

EDIT: stop telling me about your wanking habits, reddit

That's just going to encourage them.

[–]TheElPistolero 217 points218 points ago

i jerk it without lotion 98 percent of the time. No foreskin no problem.

[–]ContentEnt 107 points108 points ago

Right here with you bro. Dry dog it.

[–]TomChesterson 62 points63 points ago

I ain't got time to clean lotion off my dick. Man milk comes off without a problem, or can be shot into an old gym sock. Lotion leaves a residue. Now I gotta go and use water to clean it off or have a residue on my dick all day? Cmon, nobody wants that.

[–]eric273 49 points50 points ago

Plus, who wants their hands smelling like lotion all day, it just reminds you that you just jacked off earlier.

[–]load_more_comets 14 points15 points ago

Mine smells like olive oil.

[–]eric273 11 points12 points ago

Olive oil that you used to mastrubate.

[–]cleminem9919 11 points12 points ago

Popeye is gonna be pissed man..

[–]justintime4awesome 13 points14 points ago

Someone fucking understands.

[–]manderso 6 points7 points ago

A gym sock? What the hell? How old are you?

[–]DrKevorkianJr 5 points6 points ago

62, Gym socks never go out of style.

[–]ThreeUmbrellas 29 points30 points ago

"Most serial killers were dry guys!"

[–]The_Last_Melon14 8 points9 points ago

Ahhh workaholics. Never gets old.

[–]dynamicSmurf 21 points22 points ago

Dry Guys 4 Life

[–]beastgamer9136 8 points9 points ago

We didn't choose the dry life. The dry life chose us.

[–]a_random_hobo 22 points23 points ago

I lift weights a lot, and have large calluses built up on my hands. Proper lubrication is necessary for a good wank. Although I remember it always being extremely uncomfortable without lube before the calluses.

[–]Bermnerfs 131 points132 points ago

DO YOU EVEN WANK BRO?!?!

[–]Iammyselfnow 9 points10 points ago

I'm circumcised and I don't need lotion at all.....

[–]im_doing_it_wrong_ 15 points16 points ago

no need for lube circumcised, although it does feel better. Also, people are telling you how they get off, because you said that circumcised needs lube.

TLDR; Lube feels good man

[–]ianp622 13 points14 points ago

Depends on the level of circumcision. Some have enough to do it dry.

[–]theodrixx 5 points6 points ago

Yup. My guy half-assed the job. Got a bit of overhang going, no sweat.

[–]aequitas3 31 points32 points ago

No skin off your shaft?

[–]Mitosis 3 points4 points ago

It's really the best of both worlds. Aesthetics and cleanliness of circumcision, with the freedom of spontaneous self-pleasure.

[–]Kalmah666 4 points5 points ago

Level 1: The Tip is gone, who cares

Level 10: There's a bit of skin left on the right nut

[–]jonobauer 6 points7 points ago

Yeah, I'm circumcised and I've never felt the need to slick my schlong with lotion

[–]Blaphtome 20 points21 points ago

Science on foreskin- Men are born with nature's most perfect, frictionless, toroidal linear bearing. Religion on foreskin- Yeah, lets cut that part off.

[–]distantapplause 4 points5 points ago

nature's most perfect, frictionless, toroidal linear bearing

Go on...

[–]The_Turbinator 8 points9 points ago

Basically, its specifically designed to efficiently glide in and out of things.

[–]JimmyJamesincorp 4 points5 points ago

I have naturally a very short foreskin and no lube is needed.

[–]Possibly_bad_grammar 3 points4 points ago

I'm cut and was able to figure out how to dry dog it on my first try.

[–]Unown_Soldier 20 points21 points ago

I use my own spit. Is that weird?

[–]Loopbot75 6 points7 points ago

Nope I do too. Don't have to spend money on lotion, ntm it drys up without residue!

[–]cyence 9 points10 points ago

TIL...

[–]Lupinefiasco 12 points13 points ago

For me, masturbation is like trying to replicate the feeling of sex. I wouldn't enjoy having sex with a dry vagina, and I don't enjoy using a dry hand.

[–]meaty99 8 points9 points ago

I'm uncircumcised, but lubing up to play with your glans is amaaaazing.

[–]vvhale 10 points11 points ago

Nope. I love my foreskin too man.

[–]Niccalv2015 36 points37 points ago

Lived in the Hampton Inn for almost a month. Left with a trashbag full of these. Awesome.

[–]shrugalicious 54 points55 points ago

Were you embarrassed to call the front desk to ask for more masturbate?

[–]uptwolait 79 points80 points ago

No, they'd always come.

[–]v2subzero 14 points15 points ago

Bonus- Because I work at a Hampton inn. Imgur Imgur Imgur Imgur

[–]MC_squirrel 24 points25 points ago

I'm staying at an extended stay hotel for 30+ days. Needless to say I hope I never have to make eye contact with the lady tasked with restocking these.

[–]gddc33 11 points12 points ago

Does the noun/verb inconsistency bug anybody else?

[–]porkypatch 10 points11 points ago

“A lot of the bad hotels pretend to be good hotels, Like they’ll have the soap be called “Purity.” And I’m like, “Until you get the ejaculate out of the curtains, we’re going to go ahead and call this one…'Soap.'” — Mike Birbiglia

[–]kara123125 10 points11 points ago

Does it bother anyone else that some of these are labeled with verbs and some with nouns?

[–]WeShouldBang 10 points11 points ago

Clean your FACE.

[–]czarchastic 6 points7 points ago

Well at least now the maids get to figure out if they really do need to clean the bed sheets.

[–]Qushi 6 points7 points ago

Fake; the masturbate would be almost depleted.

[–]hbetts54 70 points71 points ago

photshopped but still funny

[–]Monnefin 5 points6 points ago

What the fuck's a shoe mitt?

[–]nx25 40 points41 points ago

Don't remember hearing this question during the presidential debates... I'll see myself out..

[–]walshy420 13 points14 points ago

thats a really good photoshop

[–]brussels4breakfast 3 points4 points ago

This is funny. I had these very same items for a long time and never used them. I thought they were pretty so I kept them on a shelf in the bathroom. I didn't get the earplugs though.

[–]Drawtaru 3 points4 points ago

Clean your face.

[–]SgtSteel55 9 points10 points ago

Ironic thing is? The brand name or hotel name is "Purity"

[–]ophello 16 points17 points ago

Faker than your mom's tan.

[–]Ouaouaron 14 points15 points ago

Damn, and the joke was entirely based on a hotel actually labeling their moisturizer "masturbate". If only they'd worded the title to suggest subtly that something had been changed or corrected, while avoiding the more cliché titles that pretend that this was how they found it.

[–]theshaneman9294 4 points5 points ago

Man, if I didn't understand sarcasm, I'd say you was retarded.

[–]monkeychipsx2 2 points3 points ago

I would prefer "GEM [LE]VEL: PHOTOSHOP! WHEN YOU SEE IT..." it's both eye catching and descriptive. You really need to get to know your audience better.

[–]Majax2 2 points3 points ago

I like 'clean your face' best.

[–]BlotWobble 11 points12 points ago

clean your face.

[–]2plus2ischicken 2 points3 points ago

I thought it said 'clean your taco' at first.

[–]nx25 2 points3 points ago

Earplugs? I've stayed in hundreds of hotels and have never seen this. Nor have I tried sleeping with a pair in, but if my hotel room had them you bet I'm going to use them. Cause hotel.. use ALL the things. As for that other bottle... yes obviously.

[–]Reethk_Vaszune 3 points4 points ago

I was sure that said "clean your taco."

Hah.

[–]i_dont_want_to_be_on 2 points3 points ago

I read the "Clean your face" as "Clean your taco" at first.

[–]obsa 2 points3 points ago

... did anyone else read "clean your face" as "clean your taco"?

[–]DocJRoberts 2 points3 points ago

if this was accurate wouldn't there be nothing left in the middle bottle...?

[–]2plus2ischicken 2 points3 points ago

Why is masturbate still full?

[–]MartyredWretch 7 points8 points ago

Well that's strange, pretty sure OP would have used the bottle. Unless he went ahead and refi......Good god.

[–]mushroom4all 2 points3 points ago

Thank God for a foreskin!

[–]haile_selassie 0 points1 point ago

cool, you know how to photo shop.

[–]lucke0204 2 points3 points ago

The soap absolutely refuses to wash anywhere but the face.

[–]Odusei 2 points3 points ago

I could never masturbate in the shower; I'd be too afraid of my laptop getting wet.

[–]__Red_Foreman 2 points3 points ago

I know the hip thing is to label products with a verb (like naming a restaurant "EAT!"), but it really bothers me that this set mixes verbs and nouns. "Condition." "Shampoo." "Moisturize." and "Clean Your Face." vs. "Ear Plugs." "Shower Gel." "Shower cap." and "Shoe mitt."

Why not "Plug your ears." "Wash your dirty balls." "Cover your hair." and "Whatever the fuck you do with a "Shoe mitt"."?

[–]LoverOfBacon 3 points4 points ago

Imagine accidentally pouring mouthwash on your dick instead... Ouch! It reminds me of when some stupid pricks at my school decided to use the antiseptic hand-gel as lube in the toilets. I'm pretty sure you would burn your dick off!

[–]sismit 5 points6 points ago

Um. Why would there be a lube dispenser in a school bathroom?

[–]Bipolarruledout 6 points7 points ago

Why would there not be?

[–]fixedclutch 0 points1 point ago

Uh... I think he meant someone used the hand-gel to jerk off in the restroom. Not that someone restocked the lube dispenser with hand-gel...

[–]Wifman 0 points1 point ago

Perchance the Ritz Carlton?

[–]Arbpink34 1 point2 points ago

Don't confuse the masturbate with the conditioner...

[–]freireib 0 points1 point ago

I WILL NEXT WEEK

[–]csgoodri 1 point2 points ago

Why is there a period after the words, those are not sentences!

[–]rslashboord 0 points1 point ago

Terrible design, the words should always read down, not up.

[–]pebkac67 0 points1 point ago

Yep. Hampton Inn. Surprised to get a cold shower here in Omaha just this morning. Ugh.

[–]Lord_Wolfington 1 point2 points ago

Don't mix up the masturbate and the mouth wash.

[–]gandalfv31415 1 point2 points ago

what is it with all these hotels giving you sex stuff and I have yet to see one?

[–]MasterNyx 0 points1 point ago

Shoe mitt?

[–]cutiepatootieadipose 2 points3 points ago

So is that semen or lotion?

[–]DRoadkill 4 points5 points ago

Yes.

[–]eljacko 1 point2 points ago

Does it contain lotion to masturbate with, or the product of the act itself?

[–]john0703 0 points1 point ago

The one on the bottom left makes it seem as it is commanding you to clean your face

[–]TheDemon333 0 points1 point ago

I've totally jacked it with Hampton lotion before. It's like the nectar of the gods. The masturbating gods.

[–]turk256 0 points1 point ago

I like how there is a masterbate and a clean your face...

[–]Lion_Turtle 0 points1 point ago

I think they should all say masturbate.

[–]Jenforever 0 points1 point ago

It looks too much like a bottle of cum. I don't think I could trust previous guests.

[–]TheZippy49 0 points1 point ago

But I use all of them to masturbate...

[–]grahamhewlett 1 point2 points ago

I like conditioner in the shower better, makes my pubes silky too

[–]robmus 1 point2 points ago

WHO THE HELL USES LOTION!!!

[–]Corm 0 points1 point ago

This would really make shopping a lot easier and more pleasant. Like this: http://xkcd.com/993/

[–]ToblersLaw 0 points1 point ago

What the hell is a shoe mitt?

[–]Dacien1983 0 points1 point ago

Wow is that startlingly not good.

[–]kkwrites 0 points1 point ago

Where's the one that says photoshop?

[–]marcins 1 point2 points ago

Shoe mitt == wank glove!

[–]IDickey14 0 points1 point ago

Always, always, "masturbate" THEN "Clean your hands" it's a command.

[–]si_moar 1 point2 points ago

Ear plugs?

[–]fearlessly 0 points1 point ago

We stayed at a Hampton Inn when we moved to GA (while househunting); BEST hotel I've ever stayed in, period. It was gorgeous inside, clean as you could possibly want, free tea/coffee and cookies, free awesome breakfast...

Man. If I didn't love my house so much I'd totally live there. >_>

[–]zeitistjetzt 0 points1 point ago

masturbicant