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top 200 commentsshow all 252

[–]tswpoker1 282 points283 points ago

Whenever I need to get ready I always refer to the 3 S's: Shit, Shower and Shave

[–]tunamelts2 106 points107 points ago

I too live by the 3 Ss

[–]Ball_Room_Blitz 78 points79 points ago

I practice this daily, girlfriend or not.

[–]Reesch 23 points24 points ago

Same, except I just Shower and Shave.

[–]Captain-Kenneth 46 points47 points ago

Just shower for me. My facial hair is essential to life and how the hell do you shit on demand? I just go when I have to go.

[–]armander 36 points37 points ago

you get a box and put your legs up on it, you shit something everytime.... best shits of your life btw, i have been doing it for 10 months now, i feel weird shitting normally now

[–]Captain-Kenneth 22 points23 points ago

I feel uncomfortable immediately wanting to try it now

[–]ipostic 6 points7 points ago

I just tried :) It's very uncomfortable and no immediate results :(

[–]cs_747 5 points6 points ago

you obviously need a bigger box

[–]Im_Just_That_Guy 5 points6 points ago

Insert witty cumbox pun here

[–]pl4yswithsquirrels 17 points18 points ago

...what? Is this a normal thing normal people do? Why was this not in 'Everybody Poops?'

[–]Ragenori 5 points6 points ago

That is the most amazingly overproduced bit of marketing I've ever seen. They took "put your feet up whilst you shit" and threw 100 key words at it and the result is beautifully ridiculous.

[–]Jungle_Nipples 7 points8 points ago

If I had gold I would give it to you. Thank you for this, seriously. I'll think about you next time I poop.

[–]gramaticadelespano 0 points1 point ago

Salesman for Squatty Potty:

"Would Sir prefer the Classic Sleek White Stool? Or the Premium Hand Made Stool?"

[–]MacGuyverism 1 point2 points ago

That marketing video had a Mirror's Edge feeling to it.

[–]Isaac_Shepard 6 points7 points ago

believe it or not, people do poop wrong. it has been discovered that by actually squatting, you can take less time to poop than you normally would. so, lean forward, or put your feet on a box and you can poo with the best of them.

[–]MadZane 4 points5 points ago

Supposedly it has to do with humans squatting to shit for most of our history. Everything just lines up and lets things move easier. Only in the later stages have we started using the current style toilets.

[–]Broscious 5 points6 points ago

AKA the poor man's squatty potty

[–]HeartandSoul 3 points4 points ago

I have a feeling that your post may change my life forever. In a good way of course.

[–]Netstorm19 0 points1 point ago

Technically that is normally, raising your feet in front of a typical Western toilet imitates the actual nature method of passing feces... i.e. squatting over the ground. Using a box like that is supposed to be better for you.

[–]fiction8 0 points1 point ago

You should still trim, though.

[–]chumisfum 0 points1 point ago

just pull the pants down, take a seat on the porcelain rim, and it will find you

[–]synicalx1 0 points1 point ago

how the hell do you shit on demand?

Make a black coffee, even instant will work, put in double the amount of coffee and drink it fairly quick. Within half an hour you'll probably be ready for 'action' even if it does cause some temporary discomfort

[–]spartan4333 0 points1 point ago

I wish I could shit on demand due to my liking of reading while shitting. When I shit at work or at school, I feel like I've wasted some good reading time.

[–]zoidy-1 4 points5 points ago

i just shit, hence my foul bachelor status

[–]Logical_Conclusion_ 2 points3 points ago

Are you a girl?

[–]whosjellisnow 8 points9 points ago

3 sea shells?

[–]zodar 9 points10 points ago

I sing this mantra to the tune of "Slip Slidin' Away"

edit for you young'uns:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5_H-LY4Jb2M#t=60s

[–]done_holding_back 1 point2 points ago

And now here's Little Richard with Piano Riff Whoo

[–]A_Stinking_Hobo 5 points6 points ago

I have always referred to this as "mans ritual" even my friends know I mean the 3 s's

[–]flimbys 2 points3 points ago

Growing up, my parents always said it was shit, shave, shower and shampoo.

[–]HansGrub3r 1 point2 points ago

shampoo is a subset of shower for those that use shampoo.

[–]LG03 3 points4 points ago

And here I thought I was being clever thinking I came up with that.

[–]Emelius 1 point2 points ago

I feel like most men came by these three words on their own. I remember I was talking to my friend "Oh man.. I gotta go home and shit. Then shower, and shave... shit..shower..shave?! MY GOD!"

[–]derpinita 0 points1 point ago

I can't just shit when I want to. :(

[–]SkibbityKin 0 points1 point ago

And whip it like a slave

[–]Sneakered 0 points1 point ago

But can you do them at the same time?

[–]usernamemadetoday 0 points1 point ago

and shine your shoes

[–]berserklemon 0 points1 point ago

but it's no-shave November! D:

[–]stilwell 0 points1 point ago

[–]Holey_Underpants 0 points1 point ago

Best Fatherly advice I have ever been given

[–]swallowmycockuccino 0 points1 point ago

and everyone takes place in the shower, all at the same time

[–]gabrielhewman 1 point2 points ago

Surely it's Shit, Shave, Shower.

[–]LoverOfBacon 408 points409 points ago

You start furiously rubbing your balls?

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 462 points463 points ago

That's my reaction to most things

[–]LoverOfBacon 168 points169 points ago

You again!? Are you following me MUSTY_BALLSACK?

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 163 points164 points ago

That's right. I'm always here. Waiting for you to make a grammatical error. Then, I pounce.

[–]here_for_the_lols 64 points65 points ago

Fuck man you sound like a right sack

[–]tiger637 36 points37 points ago

Don't discriminate the left!

[–]ASlyGuy 41 points42 points ago

Man, fuck the left. Sitting there...hanging so god damn low like he's so cool WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!

[–]R3divid3r 14 points15 points ago

He's the cool nut, all cool people go baggy.

Edit: spelling.

[–]guthpasta 7 points8 points ago

Once you go left...

[–]its_over_2250 5 points6 points ago

Hanging so god damn low like he's so HOT

FTFY

[–]AguyWithflippyHair 1 point2 points ago

That's probably why it's so musty

[–]ToffeVonW 24 points25 points ago

with your friend?

[–]AmpleWarning 14 points15 points ago

He's just there for quality control. He makes sure both balls have adequate luster.

[–]TijuanaTacoMonster 6 points7 points ago

nut valet

[–]AmpleWarning 5 points6 points ago

ball caddy

[–]Midn1ghtwhisp3r 1 point2 points ago

Something something witty ball pun

[–]PurplePheonix 96 points97 points ago

[–]reddit_user13 6 points7 points ago

Because Jesus?

[–]nspector-34 9 points10 points ago

nobody fucks with the jesus

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Luke_Attamadik 5 points6 points ago

Eight year olds dude.

[–]crumbsinyourmilk 75 points76 points ago

Yeah I do that with my boyfriend before my girlfriend comes over.

[–]kstarkey_7 17 points18 points ago

Huh?...

[–]FarmerTedd 14 points15 points ago

Bi-sexual bowling league

[–]kstarkey_7 1 point2 points ago

Ahhh... Nice

[–]CallTur 150 points151 points ago

This is how I prepare for her arrival.

[–]Trev80 35 points36 points ago

I found this entire movie tolerable just thanks to Robert De Nero. It actually wasn't bad just felt like it was trying to hard to be a modern Princess Bride and it was nowhere close.

[–]jeremiahfira 67 points68 points ago

I, on the other hand, thought it did a nice job of being a modern day Princess Bride. The entire movie was just adorable.

Different strokes for different folks.

[–]gerald_bostock 6 points7 points ago

Yeah, I have to agree. While I suppose I didn't get as emotionally involved with the characters, it was nonetheless pretty good.

[–]fiction8 0 points1 point ago

They changed the plot from the book though, didn't they? I'm very vague on the details of the movie, but I remember the ending being completely different.

[–]UncleTedGenneric 12 points13 points ago

My wife is a huge fan of Neil Gaiman, so as soon as she heard of this, we had to see it.

It's a charming-as-hell flick. (Also, the Mark Heap factor. Swoon.)

Better yet, the director is Matthew Vaughn; also the director of Layer Cake, X-men: First Class and (my personal favorite of the small handful of films) Kick-Ass.

[–]xoxoUT 5 points6 points ago

I love Layer Cake

[–]UncleTedGenneric 3 points4 points ago

Have yet to watch that. Been told by many that i should.

[–]Hobothug 8 points9 points ago

Dumbass question, but which movie is it?

[–]ienjoymen 8 points9 points ago

Stardust

[–]Cooler-Beaner 2 points3 points ago

Neil Gaiman's Stardust?
Great book. After seeing that, I'm not sure I want to watch it.

[–]ienjoymen 2 points3 points ago

That's the one

[–]lacheur42 2 points3 points ago

Best part of the movie. De Niro as a flamboyant pirate? Geddoudahere!

[–]dangerous_beans 2 points3 points ago

I'm always skeptical of movie versions of books, but Stardust was one of few that I really enjoyed. As others have said, it was a charming adaptation; not quite as dark as the book, but I don't think it suffered for it. I love them both on their own merits.

[–]degoba 2 points3 points ago

Yes, Neil Gaiman's Stardust. I thought it looked dumb at first too. It is actually quite a good movie. They do a good job of telling the story in the book.

[–]Pickledsoul 11 points12 points ago

i think it was called stardust?

[–]rosencrantzisdead 12 points13 points ago

Was. We call it DE NIRO'S VACATION now.

[–]p_iynx 0 points1 point ago

It really captured the feeling of the book in my opinion. Stardust is a wonderful book.

[–]mastercylinder2 28 points29 points ago

Who is the other guy supposed to represent?

[–]johnsmcjohn 21 points22 points ago

They're getting ready for the threesome that dare not mention its name.

[–]Breathing_Balls 7 points8 points ago

I'll mention who the other guy is.

Daddy.

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 2 points3 points ago

OH YEAH DADDY

[–]WalkLikeAMan 5 points6 points ago

That's Liam. I love Liam.

[–]_Indeed 2 points3 points ago

Left hand and right hand.

[–]DBirk94 29 points30 points ago

Are you guys going bowling?

[–]T3mpy 6 points7 points ago

good so i wasn't the only one...

[–]zodar 11 points12 points ago

The nice thing is, when she says she'll be coming over in an hour, that means I have about 90 minutes.

[–]rtoman_badger 22 points23 points ago

Eight year olds dude, eight year olds

[–]Rookwood 6 points7 points ago

Dude should be capitalized.

[–]lowndest 1 point2 points ago

yeah, well, ya know, that's just like, your opinion, man

[–]MeloJelo 45 points46 points ago

Do you date 8-year-olds, Dude?

[–]mynameisnotjonas 12 points13 points ago

He's a pederast.

[–]alienelement 8 points9 points ago

What's a pederast, Walter?

[–]jbrav88 13 points14 points ago

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

[–]NorthStarTX 2 points3 points ago

You're out of your alienelement.

[–]SelectaRx 2 points3 points ago

Shut the fuck up, Alienelement.

[–]Howard_Beale 3 points4 points ago

It's true. When he first came here he had to go door to door and tell everyone he was a pederast.

[–]reddit_user13 0 points1 point ago

They like clean balls.

[–]Ignorant_Scumbag 20 points21 points ago

I GET IT CUZ HES CLEANING HIS JUNK SO HE CAN FUCK HER FACE!!!

[–]Iliketrainskidis1337 3 points4 points ago

Do you have a mental issue? Wait... Never mind.....

[–]RiflemanLax 4 points5 points ago

In reality, most of us light a scented candle, throw shit in the closet so we don't like like pigs, then delete our browser history.

[–]Chickunkey 0 points1 point ago

I also don't want to like like pigs.

[–]Veritas00 9 points10 points ago

Nobody fucks with 'tha Jesus!

[–]ultimagames 6 points7 points ago

I SEE YOU'VE ROLLED YOUR WAY INTO THE SEMIS!!

[–]BuzzPsycho 8 points9 points ago

You and your friend wash your balls? Well I guess sharing is caring!

[–]The_Mad_Highlander 7 points8 points ago

[–]Probable_Foreigner 3 points4 points ago

I don't see the point of this site. Gifs + sound == videos.

[–]Funktapus 8 points9 points ago

Significantly harder to edit together a video and upload it than it is to copy+paste a gif and a sound clip. Perfect for little one-off gags like this.

[–]Forbizzle 7 points8 points ago

== is a comparator, not an assertion.

[–]DownvoteALot 2 points3 points ago

= would have been an assignment though. What should he use then?

[–]cdcformatc 2 points3 points ago

He has it backwards if we are programming.

videos = GIFs + sound;

but as far as math is concerned GIFs + sound = videos is fine.

GIFs + sound == videos is a tautology, or at best an axiom.

[–]Rainbow- 0 points1 point ago

No different than YTMND

[–]Gyrant 0 points1 point ago

My version

Created by chance because I happened to be watching this movie when I opened the gif. The music is perfectly synched with the gif by complete fluke.

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 7 points8 points ago

I do the same thing! Gotta de-mustify them.

[–]GallopingScrotum 4 points5 points ago

I just realized that posts like these are just visual analogies.

[–]HIFW_GIFs_React_ 0 points1 point ago

Yup. And there are whole subreddits dedicated to these kinds of posts:

/r/reactiongifs

/r/analogygifs

/r/mfw

/r/HIFW

[–]Shepchri 2 points3 points ago

The reliable triangle scrub is what I do.

[–]xoxoUT 4 points5 points ago

As a woman, I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is a triangle scrub?

[–]PeeBJAY 1 point2 points ago

I always thought it was like...above the shaft horizontally and then on either side of your scrotum angling inward. So then it's like... a triangle of scrubbing and you clean between between your balls and your thighs which is normally where they sweat or smell. Maybe I'm wrong.

[–]cdcformatc 1 point2 points ago

Across the top, left crease, right crease.

[–]SirRosie 2 points3 points ago

During The Jesus scenes, watch his buddy there. He is the real star.

[–]nicholas_cage_match 2 points3 points ago

Well that's just like, your opinion, man.

[–]greenstonepilot 0 points1 point ago

I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

[–]jbrav88 0 points1 point ago

Me and Liam, we gonna fuck you up.

[–]BigassJohnBKK 3 points4 points ago

I don't get it. Do you mean you have a wank beforehand so you don't come so quick?

[–]GeneralBS 3 points4 points ago

thought it could use a higher quality version

http://i.imgur.com/te5ZX.gif

alot of work went into that original

[–]GladiatorBill 1 point2 points ago

Isn't that HER job?

[–]GeneralBS 0 points1 point ago

this got me looking for that scene on youtube. found this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42EBsPPNAPY&feature=fvwrel

and this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=978uQUK231M

[–]Tebasaki 0 points1 point ago

There's actually a really clear and excellent gif of this somewhere on the internets.

[–]HutchOne23 0 points1 point ago

The frame rate of this gif takes away part of what's so funny about that scene. Jesus is doing that soooo fast in the movie.

[–]omnicious 0 points1 point ago

I prefer the version with Barkley and Kenny.

[–]thelizahhhdking 0 points1 point ago

Read this as "When my grandma says..." needless to say I was a bit confused

[–]CamCamJenkins 1 point2 points ago

and then she comes over to break up with you and you use your tears for lube...

[–]PolyphonicFoxes 0 points1 point ago

Don't fuck with The Jesus.

[–]janw86 0 points1 point ago

Who's the other guy?

[–]Anaract 0 points1 point ago

um, what?

[–]atticusw 1 point2 points ago

Few sets of pushups and curls, shower, and take a massive shit.

[–]Gyrant 0 points1 point ago

Completely by chance I am watching a movie and the opening theme synched with the gif perfectly.

http://www.gifsound.com/?gif=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fq9eF9.gif&sound=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DYZp_y1LbEfE&start=0

It's kind of goofy and in Japanese, so if you watch the whole way through, could be some good giggles.

[–]atomictangerines 1 point2 points ago

Just take a shower, you have a whole hour !

[–]Nj_all_day 0 points1 point ago

Honestly, you could have titled this anything then linked that gif and I still would have lost my shit.

[–]xdresdenx 1 point2 points ago

Is it bad that I stared at this for far too long?

[–]Mrlowrider 1 point2 points ago

When my gf says shes coming over in an hour, it means she will be there in 7 hours.

[–]monoethanolamine 0 points1 point ago

Finally realise it is not the bowling ball

[–]bmes_ 0 points1 point ago

Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?

[–]SecretSnack 1 point2 points ago

What does this mean?

[–]patrik667 0 points1 point ago

This. Every time.

[–]hozjo 0 points1 point ago

you have at least 90 minutes until she shows up, start now and your dick will be all chafed

[–]Robotyc 1 point2 points ago

I just got finished watching the Big Lebowski half an hour ago and then I see this post. Great movie, man.

[–]thecabbler 0 points1 point ago

jeeesssuuussss

[–]bryan_sensei 0 points1 point ago

Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.

[–]Taerer 0 points1 point ago

This is before you tell your friend he can't join in.... right?

[–]scriptyohhh 0 points1 point ago

Laughing like an idiot right after my mom left the room.

She came back and I showed her everything.

She is disappointed in me, now.

Worth it.

[–]Deep_Black_Joe 0 points1 point ago

Those sick fucks

[–]DjangoFetish 0 points1 point ago

People still have dial up? 60 min buffer for porn.

[–]spatz2011 1 point2 points ago

you go bowling?

[–]TheSolomonGrundy 1 point2 points ago

you make a stupid post on reddit?

[–]Sanity_prevails 0 points1 point ago

who's the other dude? kinkay....

[–]drchooch181 0 points1 point ago

Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

[–]franco53 0 points1 point ago

If you know what i mean

[–]Sydviciouz 0 points1 point ago

Did anyone else watch this last night?

[–]takesthingsIiterally 0 points1 point ago

She must be a serious bowler

[–]BeardMilk -1 points0 points ago

Five year olds Dude.

[–]LittleOni 0 points1 point ago

I guess some people do, in fact, fuck with the Jesus...

[–]ShinichiKudo 0 points1 point ago

You polish a bowling ball in a bag?

[–]sycatrix 0 points1 point ago

[–]Nacho_MtotheC 1 point2 points ago

"Nobody fucks with the Jesus..."

[–]TACOfarmerXD 0 points1 point ago

You polish your bowling ball?

[–]Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi 0 points1 point ago

Seriously, what the fuck does this mean, and what 10,000 people upvoted it?

[–]notgravy 0 points1 point ago

I started playing that postal service vid that's on the front page right now, and on my front page this post was about 5 or 6 posts below that. This gif is perfect for that song, and/or vice versa. Try it out.

EDIT oh my, TIL about gifsounds: http://gifsound.com/?gif=http://i.imgur.com/q9eF9.gif&sound=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv=hMOkfI7wCrI

[–]larryfturds 0 points1 point ago

I love it. Doesn't even make sense.

[–]GSR_b17 0 points1 point ago

You and your friend start rubbing your ball in front of each other?

[–]rachywalkee 0 points1 point ago

I think you may want to get that check out… may be elephantitis of the balls

[–]marksk88 0 points1 point ago

And you do it for about 3 hours, because women.

[–]flea-ish 0 points1 point ago

haaa i love it. good movie too

[–]MordKAI 0 points1 point ago

don't get it but I can't stop laughing for some reason.

[–]Terrythegirrafe 0 points1 point ago

It's November, I can only do two if these

[–]bsmithisgreat 0 points1 point ago

big labowski?

[–]ElaineFromBlaine 1 point2 points ago

Why do you polish your bowling ball before your girlfriend comes over? Do you bowl together?

[–]Gh0stw0lf 0 points1 point ago

Aw man i recently got broken up with and now I can't do this anymore :( No girlfriend comes over anymore for sexytimes. Feelsbadman.gif

[–]liberalis 0 points1 point ago

You have gay sex?

[–]HIFW_GIFs_React_ 0 points1 point ago

[–]worldisorder 0 points1 point ago

An hour? Yeah right more like 3 hours! Enough time to cram the dirty laundry and trash in a closet, browse reddit, and game it up!!

[–]afungi 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, and then you end up doing this for another hour or so because girlfriends are always late.

[–]SeeDeez 0 points1 point ago

nobody fuck withe jesus mayne

[–]alk509 0 points1 point ago

Dios mío, mang!