Levity aside, I consider myself a pretty good egg man and have been honing my skills for 30 years.

Now, this is all a matter of opinion. I know many men that will not eat a steak that isn't burnt to death, because that's their taste. I could talk all day about how to perfectly cook a steak on the outside while keeping the inside pink and they'd vomit.

But here is my key to scrambled eggs:

If you want to enjoy the flavor of the egg itself, the goal is to develop a texture. Tough, crusty, rubbery, or chewy eggs can be your preference, but they seem to distract from the egg's flavor. Again, if you like it, fine. But a creamy, consistent texture is absolutely delicious.

Use a pot, not a pan. I have heard people say not to mix the eggs first but to stir them after cracking into the pot, but that doesn't make a difference to me. Beat the eggs gently, just enough to mix, and don't whip the shit out of them.

Low heat, keep the pot moving with one hand, and constantly stir with the other. You don't have to stir fast, but just keep the eggs moving so nothing sticks to the bottom too long. This means you won't get rubbery bits and pieces, but a more consistent, cooked, creamy texture that has no lumps or chunks.

Eggs should not be dry. They should be creamy. They should glisten. Move on and off the heat if you have to while stirring, and get that shit off the stove just before it's done.

On the plate, the eggs should not clump or stick together. If it does, you overcooked it. When you dig your fork into them, it should give a little squish and not hold together. Listen for the sound of your mom washing her pussy on the driveway - that's the consistency you want in your eggs.

Add salt after. Also try adding cream cheese about halfway through the cooking.