this post was submitted on
366 points (75% like it)
539 up votes 173 down votes
shortlink:

funny

subscribe2,745,198 readers

23,282 users here now

Results of the facebook poll

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress. Try /r/politicalhumor instead.

  • Rage comics - Go to /r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).

Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.

If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators

The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.

CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for
to anything interesting: news article, blog entry, video, picture...
message the moderators

MODERATORS

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

365
366

Can we have a serious conversation on how these were supposed to be used? (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by kirroyale

all 93 comments
sorted by:
best
best
top
new
hot
controversial
old

[–]wingedinsect 27 points28 points ago

This plagues me still today.

[–]ascua 14 points15 points ago

Apparently the first 2 shells are used like tweezers, to grab the poop and gently pull it free, the last shell is used to scrape any remaining poop from the bum hole and then all 3 shells are flushed....The more you know.

[–]vigman 2 points3 points ago

The scraping part sounds painful, even more so if you get too close with the "tweezer" shells.

[–]DalekCaek 1 point2 points ago

I-Mockery is still around?

[–]chi-chis 0 points1 point ago

Why would you need three? Just use one seashell to scrape all the excess feces from your bum.

[–]teer 15 points16 points ago

my hypothesis is that the three seashell are each individually touch activated. Rub the first one and it sprays your ass with cleaner, rub the second and it sprays it with water to wash off the soapy, seashell 3 is for fragrance to make your ass smell like a peach.

[–]panzerdriver 9 points10 points ago

The whole washroom would be covered in shit and soap.

[–]misterbeauds 2 points3 points ago

no no, like a bidet.

[–]misterbeauds 3 points4 points ago

this has always been my theory as well.

[–]McLovin804 55 points56 points ago

Asks for serious discussion.

Posts in /r/funny.

[–]omeyy 5 points6 points ago

well it was a joke..

[–]Carl_Hanratti 117 points118 points ago

HAHAHAHA HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE THE THREE SEASHELLS!!

[–]daventx 13 points14 points ago

He knew how to do the Hunka Chunka though.

[–]fubes2000 1 point2 points ago

I'm curious if anyone ever used that term seriously before the movie came out. Seems to me it belongs in the archives along with "the ol lickeroo".

[–]PeterBeaterr 1 point2 points ago

he should have did the truffle shuffle instead. Image

[–]bassackwards42 8 points9 points ago

And here I thought it was like 3 card monty where you had to guess which one had the red queen so the anal auto-wash would begin it's cycle and clean your crevices like a carwash.

[–]Stouts 14 points15 points ago

Autowaaaaaash!

[–]NkafKe 21 points22 points ago

Multi-pass!

[–]homelessapien 11 points12 points ago

The first one extracts all moisture from the area around your anus using directed microwaves. The second uses high frequency sonic waves to break up the now dried fecal matter and turn it into a powder. The third vacuums up the powder. How do you not know how to use the three seashells? Seriously.

[–]pergu 43 points44 points ago

Here

[–]kirroyale[S] 26 points27 points ago

this cant be true. scraping my ass with a fucking seashell would cause nothing but pain... also, they never throw the three seashells away right?

[–]BerryBadrenath 38 points39 points ago

You have been fined due to violation of the verbal morality code

[–]Brotherauron 12 points13 points ago

is it bad that I can hear that voice perfectly in my head? (also they say you have been fined 1 credit)

[–]pergu 7 points8 points ago

The future is pain. The seashells are easily and readily replaced with fresh ones.

[–]IHadFunOnce 2 points3 points ago

nah they're made of metal...just wash them in the toilet water (post flush of course) after you're done.

[–]TheWhiteeKnight 4 points5 points ago

Dry them off with the toilet paper they provide for the shell's cleanliness though.

[–]mfter 0 points1 point ago

You would only need two if you just used one of the "spreaders" to wipe after.

[–]IAmThePat 2 points3 points ago

This is the way it was supposed to be. Stallone discussed it in an interview that this was in fact the way the writer imagined it working.

Here is the source, #9

[–]FFighter7232 7 points8 points ago

my only issue with this is since taco bell is the only restaurant in the future you damn well know that the poop will not be firm enough to "clamp" with the two shells and 1 will not be enough to wipe with...

[–]Adeang 2 points3 points ago

Why would anyone need to pull their poop out? We've been pooping for millions of years and no one has ever needed to pull their own poop of their butt (barring some crazy sort of constipation brick).

[–]matingslinkys 0 points1 point ago

I believe the term you are looking for here is manual evacuation

[–]schattenteufel 7 points8 points ago

the point is that you're not supposed to know. nobody from the present knows, because that's the joke.

[–]codesign 0 points1 point ago

It's a good one too, because it's like the best prank ever. Someone comes to use your bathroom, they go in, there is no toilet paper, anywhere, ever, and just three stupid ass seashells in there, like they are supposed to help, so someone tries to use them.

[–]SmilinBob82 0 points1 point ago

This makes me want to go to public restrooms and replace the TP with seashells.

[–]Mayli35346 26 points27 points ago

Is this an american thing? Never seen it before in my life...

[–]bitchpotatobunny 40 points41 points ago

It's from the movie Demolition Man starring Sylvester Stallone. Basically, he was cryogenically frozen for a while, thawed because they needed his expertise to catch a criminal, and there is an ongoing joke in the movie that he doesn't know how to use the three sea shells because "in his time" they wiped their asses with paper.

[–]insomniasystems 0 points1 point ago

So yeah, it an American thing.

[–]tehmittens 1 point2 points ago

This just in! People of other countries aren't allowed to see Demolition Man, only Americans! No, shut up, it's not "an American thing," it's from a fucking movie that had a bunch of big names in it including fucking Nigel Hawthorne

[–]Colaptimus 22 points23 points ago

I laughed hard at this.

[–]Witbox 7 points8 points ago

LOL! You really don't know!? I guess I can see how that would be confusing...

[–]renius 7 points8 points ago

Wash

Dry

Flush

Not necessarily in that order that's just how I think of them

[–]Moredeath 0 points1 point ago

it was sanitize bowl, wash/dry, flush..

edit: removed statement about you being a comment thief since i have no proof

[–]tha_ape 3 points4 points ago

One wipes, one washes, one drys.

Like Japanese toilets

[–]Nanobot 3 points4 points ago

The seashells are remote controls to formula sprays in the toilet. Each of the seashells triggers a different type of spray, and there are three formulas to be used in order: cleaner, activator, and deactivator. You apply them as follows:

  1. Apply cleaner to posterior. This is a solution of nanobots that make their way to your skin and bond to it.

  2. Apply activator. This causes the nanobots to begin repelling debris from the surface of your posterior. The cleaner heats up somewhat while it's working, so you can feel if you missed any spot, and you'll know it's done when it cools.

  3. Apply deactivator. This causes the nanobots to detach from your posterior and fall into the toilet. Your posterior will be left feeling dry and clean.

Source: I'm a nanobot.

[–]vurplesun 2 points3 points ago

I'm sorry you have such a crappy job.

[–]midnight333233 3 points4 points ago

Step 1: place butthole on spickett Step 2: turn on water Step 3: ??? Step 4: Homemade Diarrehia

[–]Vaginaflap 6 points7 points ago

Homemade? It's not like you can buy diarrhoea at the store... Is it?!

[–]MR_GOERS 14 points15 points ago

In the future all restaurants are Taco Bell!

[–]dav-mar 0 points1 point ago

And Arnold is president.

[–]midnight333233 2 points3 points ago

well someone hasn't been to walmart in a while

[–]Vaginaflap 0 points1 point ago

Sweden doesn't have Walmart...

[–]Dinkleburg238 2 points3 points ago

Hohaha he doesn't know how to use the three sea shells, hahahaha hahahahaha hahaha haha

[–]NeoSpartan 0 points1 point ago

not in /r/funny you cant.

[–]ThePis7olStar 0 points1 point ago

I too feel like it is time to sit the family down and discuss whatever it is you are talking about.

[–]Outpastmidnight 1 point2 points ago

It's the future. One seashell creates a spray of water, another of soap, and the third one has a drier to dry you off once your clean.

[–]frontsight 4 points5 points ago

Use the first two shells between the thumb and forefinger to grab/pull away waste material from the butt.

Use the third shell to scrape clean any residue.

[–]frontsight 2 points3 points ago

Down vote this. That's fine. But I'm fairly certain that's the way it's explained in the commentary on the DVD.

[–]theoneandonlynox 1 point2 points ago

i would place each shell inside my butt cheeks and use to pull them apart thus avoiding sticking shit on my backside. and then use the third one to clean up as the link suggests

[–]coryjac0b 1 point2 points ago

What if you have diarrhea? You'd be shit outta luck.

[–]str8hookin 2 points3 points ago

I see what you did there. Clever Indeed

[–]anxhelino1234 0 points1 point ago

Soap, wash, dry?

[–]cburg11 0 points1 point ago

Whole new meaning to Sally sells sea shells

[–]Mayli35346 0 points1 point ago

Aah okey! Ha ha

[–]Ovechtrick 1 point2 points ago

I mean...the real answer is that the prop guy chose some seashells because they were laying around.

[–]upvote_cuz_ninja 1 point2 points ago

My first impression was that one of thme would fire a poop removing laser and you'd handle the other two to reflect it towards your but at the most effective angles.

[–]zumu 0 points1 point ago

Ashtrays?

[–]serophis 0 points1 point ago

The shells conceal buttons. One is a water/soap spray for the rear. One does the same for the front. And the third activates a high powered dryer to keep you nice and dry.

Or Stallone was right and two for pinching, one for scraping.

[–]sabertooth66 0 points1 point ago

MURDER DEATH KILL.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGGDzEWvGRY

Seriously all I think about when it comes to this movie. Thanks for the trip down memory lane, I have no fuckin clue how the seashells should work.

[–]doppelkinn 0 points1 point ago

1st shell: water to cleanse the anal area 2nd shell: dryer gently dries the anal area 3rd shell: (For women only) automatic tampon remover

[–]LineCook8711 1 point2 points ago

I always imagined the clam coming to life and with a robotic tongue it licks ur asshole clean.

[–]salisburymistake 1 point2 points ago

This was answered by Stallone himself during a Q&A at Ain't It Cool News.

OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third. You asked for it…. Be careful what you ask for, sorry.

[–]FrostThorn 0 points1 point ago

You eat the seashells. When you poop them out, fecal mater is contained inside the them, like oysters. You don't wipe, because there is no need to, you only clean the shells.

[–]jtroll 0 points1 point ago

The joke from when I was younger was this: 1. is for shacking 2. is for wiping 3. is a tampon remover/inserter

What ever you do, don't mess it up if you're a man!

[–]theoriginalx 0 points1 point ago

left to right controls for automated water jets of joyousness

[–]IfIOnlyHadASoul 0 points1 point ago

I don't know how to use them, but they taste horrible.

[–]Mahakala 0 points1 point ago

Damn, you'd think with all the cryo-programming (knitting for Spartan, terrorism for Phoenix), they'd throw in how to use those seashells.

Despite this, Demolition Man is one of my favorite action movies EVER.

[–]bumblebeesscareme 1 point2 points ago

Scrape the shit from your anus. All of it. Into one shell. You WILL get some on your hands, but this is okay. The other two shells are used to scrape the feces from your hands. Clean anus. Clean hands.

[–]CRAZYPAT123 0 points1 point ago

They how your soap.

[–]capt_slim 0 points1 point ago

This could be my favorite post ever

[–]otterbry 0 points1 point ago

Wash front, Wash Rear, Blow Dry

[–]codesign 0 points1 point ago

They each contain a bacterium species that devour your waste and have no output, this causes the amount of waste product to be almost nothing. They are entirely self sustaining but if someone feels themselves not feeling well they are too load up on the bacteria to super douse themselves. The bacteria are also nanites which are beneficial to the users health. Not using the seashells means that you have to poop and that's why everyone laughs at you, because you're the only person still doing it the gross way.

[–]Goldeneye2012 0 points1 point ago

Ha Ha! He doesn't know about the seashells..

[–]nunyabusns 0 points1 point ago

http://cupofourtay.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/i-mockery-three-seashells.gif

http://cupofourtay.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/media-monday-june-4th-2012/

Says it all...

[–]fastjeff 0 points1 point ago

They're covers. Open the first, a hose attached to a bidet for blasting the shit off your ass. Like a waterpick, but for your ass. Also has a camera attached and is displayed on the door in front of you so you watch. When you're done, it winds itself into the hole and the clam snaps shut to be cleaned for next use.

The second, a clean rinse that perfumes your ass while getting everything around your hole nice and clean. Same deal, rewinds itself and is cleaned.

Third is a blow dryer.

[–]NazzerDawk 1 point2 points ago

Am I the only one here who really doesn't know what the hell is going on in this thread?

[–]madonna-boy 0 points1 point ago

can we have a serious conversation..... um, not on /r/funny

[–]mdj6248 -3 points-2 points ago

That would be "no". :-)

[–]Raaaaaaaaaandy -2 points-1 points ago

This post is a KARMA GRAB

Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. © 2012 reddit inc. All rights reserved.

REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.

π Rendered by PID 477 on app-159 running f8f36fe.