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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]malvoliosf 796 points797 points ago

"Dude, I've jacked it like six times since I've been here."
-- (best movie ever)

[–]efitz11 164 points165 points ago

Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!

[–]Legendairy89 150 points151 points ago

Hope you got a big trunk, cause I'm putting my bike in it.

[–]that1dude 36 points37 points ago

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it..?

[–]JakalDX 12 points13 points ago

I want you to do me, because you're the yoyo guy!

[–]Satafly 71 points72 points ago

source?

This movie sounds funny

[–]Lettuce_Get_Weird 1100 points1101 points ago

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

[–]MrMumble 53 points54 points ago

Definitely this one

[–]BillW87 34 points35 points ago

Where did you think all the clones came from?

[–]Wickedhawkeye 171 points172 points ago

40 Year Old Virgin

[–]iputbananasinmybutt 692 points693 points ago

Twice a week? How do you maintain such a strange rate of masturbation?

[–]NeoVeci 467 points468 points ago

Yea if I haven't knocked one out at least hourly I am grumpy for the rest of the day

[–]Cormophyte 480 points481 points ago

This is a man with a sticky desk.

Edit-Final Thought: Desk Of Shame.

[–]serpent042 306 points307 points ago

Cum on it can't be that bad.

[–]TristanTheViking 222 points223 points ago

Jizz dude, these puns are just bad.

[–]BornOnFeb2nd 281 points282 points ago

Semen, this is why we can't have nice things.

[–]Yoshi174 261 points262 points ago

This guy should be honorably discharged.

[–]Great_Zarquon 199 points200 points ago

In fact, I think we should even erect a monument in his honor.

[–]iamthepalmtree 123 points124 points ago

I don't know how we're going to pull that one off. Although, he deserves it; he sure did show a lot of spunk.

[–]phantom_lord 428 points429 points ago

Masturbation.

[–]pton16 59 points60 points ago

He is being quite the jerk.

[–]drewmana 28 points29 points ago

I, too, can only masturbate at regular intervals

[–]MoogieCowser 66 points67 points ago

[–]empireofnyy 83 points84 points ago

Why is Burt Reynolds staring at me?

[–]peterburress 223 points224 points ago

So honestly, how often does everybody masturbate a week?

[–]brokeCollegeKid101 674 points675 points ago

Whatever 4 times 7 is.

[–]Cheaba 145 points146 points ago

Jesus, I never actually though about it. That's shockly about right. 3 x 7 x 52 = 1092 ... wtf... literally buckets.

[–]SucksAtFormatting 182 points183 points ago

There's a guy on 4chan who has several 2-liter soda bottles filled with his cum. I'm sure someone on reddit knows what I'm talking about and can find the picture.

EDIT: Found it http://i.imgur.com/Wit6s.jpg

[–]Benevolentia 371 points372 points ago

Please don't.

[–]aleigh80 257 points258 points ago

Why did I look at that...have I learned nothing?

[–]asplashofredditsauce 64 points65 points ago

Curiosity is a bitch sometimes.

[–]starfries 82 points83 points ago

Butters?

[–]Scoobypoop 68 points69 points ago

I'm usually pretty good with "wtf" type pictures but that made me gag.

[–]tru_gunslinger 43 points44 points ago

Holy shit I almost forgot about him! Its almost time for Christmas cum Guy again!

[–]missfapulous 37 points38 points ago

Why Christmas cum Guy? Does he try and pass it off as eggnog? :(

[–]ARedFez 44 points45 points ago

Okay. I'm not sure what just happened to me, but I'm fairly certain I just cringed out of my skin whilst simultaneously vomiting blood and having my eyeballs melt out of my skull and my penis turn to dust and blow away in the wind.

That or I had a minor heart attack.

[–]ARedFez 35 points36 points ago

Oh dear.

[–]Haddadios 360 points361 points ago

So, 69?

[–]SonicFrost 419 points420 points ago

your math teacher must've loved you.

[–]Soft_Jimmy 39 points40 points ago

Lucky. My math teacher was frustrated with me.

[–]Prime-eight 64 points65 points ago

The fact that your username is "Soft_Jimmy" makes that so much more unnecessarily sexual.

[–]WizzySizzy 105 points106 points ago

I rethought this as:

"How often are you alone at home and on the Internet?"

[–]TiberiCorneli 108 points109 points ago

I masturbated once. My eyes fell out and my palms grew hairy and my anus now drips blood when I cry.

[–]SuddenlyTimewarp 86 points87 points ago

One time, I took 2 whole Marijuanas and masturbated. They found me 2 weeks later in Peru, hanging from a meat hook by my scrote and surrounded by midgets and feral cats.

[–]unicornon 33 points34 points ago

Every day, if I can. More like every other day. Usually before I go to sleep, because.. y'know.. the whole, warm, bubbly sleepy feeling after orgasming a few times. Though it is dependent on how horny I am at any given time.

[–]Rfvthn 54 points55 points ago

Fun fact of the day, that warm bubbly feeling is because oxytocin is released post orgasm. It's an adaptation that motivated us to stick around after mating.

[–]odintal 115 points116 points ago

Are we counting ghost loads?

[–]sandy2012nyc 64 points65 points ago

Wait, what is a ghost load?

[–]odintal 240 points241 points ago

When you've cranked so many times that your tank is empty. You still get off but nothing comes out.

[–]sandy2012nyc 79 points80 points ago

oic. Yeah, I think that definitely counts.

[–]zyedy 28 points29 points ago

This has never happened to me. I guess I just don't try hard enough.

[–]loveandbaseketball 29 points30 points ago

One time I was on some prescription where a side effect was that you wouldn't ejaculate. It was really weird because it felt like I was shooting a huge load but nothing came out. I stopped taking the prescription..

[–]TheMaxican 114 points115 points ago

Or you just discovered the male birth control pill.

[–]wr80 44 points45 points ago

Literally laughed out loud at this, using that all the time.

[–]Madprofeser 77 points78 points ago

I jerk 2 times in the morning.

I jerk 2 times at night.

I jerk 2 times in the afternoon, it makes me feel alright.

I jerk 2 times in times of peace, and 2 in times of war.

I jerk 2 times before I jerk 2 times, and then I jerk 2 more.

A rough estimate of daily activity.

[–]annenoise 22 points23 points ago

Once or twice a day, at least, so like 10+, haha. A bunch. I am lonely.

[–]TheKingOfClowns 75 points76 points ago

at least once but mostly twice a day

[–]klahaya 34 points35 points ago

I work from home, so...yeah.

[–]dirtythrowaway47 17 points18 points ago

5 to 6 times a week

[–]Midbacon 40 points41 points ago

Twice since I clicked this link. So, who knows?

[–]esoomcol 113 points114 points ago

I'm a girl and I only masturbate once every few weeks. :(

Edit: Lol I'm getting weird replies. And don't think I'm speaking on behalf of all girls, obviously I'm not. I used to masturbate way more than I do now years ago. But it gets old, and sex is better for me.

[–]messyjessi 133 points134 points ago

I'm also a girl. I've been masturbating since I was a child and do it once or twice a day, typically.

[–]mightyenano 241 points242 points ago

And now we know how you got your username.

[–]Laughing_Maine 21 points22 points ago

7-14 times a week. That breaks down to 1-2 times per day. Once in the afternoon and once again before sleeping.

[–]Kinglink 12 points13 points ago

At least once a day, more if I'm bored.

Yes George's mom, I treat my body as an amusement park, here comes the water slide.

[–]dawnbot 27 points28 points ago

This would be a fun chart. How often does reddit masturbate?

7-10x a week for me. I skip some days, but make up for it on the weekends.

[–]TaxCollector 10 points11 points ago

2-4 times. Every week is different. Try not to get stuck in a rut.

[–]iputbananasinmybutt 470 points471 points ago

Fap every day, and life will be okay.

[–]Flixified 341 points342 points ago

A fap a day keeps the doctor away

[–]GreyFoxMe 178 points179 points ago

Apparently it can help against prostate cancer. And there are other benefits to regular sexual stimuli and what it does to your body.

[–]asherrd 190 points191 points ago

As Ray Parker Jr once said, "Bustin' makes me feel good."

[–]Jay_Gatsby 254 points255 points ago

[–]thfemale 33 points34 points ago

Needs a Brazzers logo.

[–]Titanite_Sparkle 23 points24 points ago

Ectoplasm?

[–]jailbeight 59 points60 points ago

ectogasm

[–]London_Bridge 73 points74 points ago

don't tell /r/NoFap

[–]Volper 96 points97 points ago

Strangest commitment that people actually take seriously, imo.

[–]-coalesce- 46 points47 points ago

Some people do it just to see if they can. Like climbing Mt. Everest because it's there. But in this case it's easier to give up halfway through, no risk of freezing to death on the side of a mountain.

[–]canadianredditor17 56 points57 points ago

Wow, your masturbation must be boring. If there's no risk of getting trapped on a mountain, you're doing it wrong.

[–]staarmozart 53 points54 points ago

Because holding it in for some of us does not make us grumpy but gives us the illusion of feeling strong and healthy, and masturbating too much makes us sad, depressed - grumpy. After the 2nd week my libido is extremely high, and the urge to go out and socialize is strong.

[–]wr80 47 points48 points ago

It increases your immune system, so yes it does. I'm doing it right now!

[–]DrKillingsworth 27 points28 points ago

Now we have no excuses.

[–]williamwzl 37 points38 points ago

Confucius say, to master yourself, is to masturbate.

[–]epgenius 793 points794 points ago

They do it far more than we give them credit. My girlfriend recently admitted she masturbates 2-3 times a day when I'm at work-- giving me a run for my money... Or I'm just terrible in bed...

[–]CTRL_ALT_RAPE 654 points655 points ago

You need to masturbate at work more.

[–]elasticlamb 210 points211 points ago

Don't use your office's disinfecting wipes for this.

[–]pissoutofmyass 379 points380 points ago

This burns the penis.

[–]BaronVonSlapNuts 205 points206 points ago

This kills the fap.

[–]ready_set_UNICORN 166 points167 points ago

This ends the thread

[–]deeni 194 points195 points ago

not quite

[–]vfxDan 93 points94 points ago

[–]Adyx 22 points23 points ago

np empty into soap dispenser

[–]Avast7 100 points101 points ago

[–]IRSoup 8 points9 points ago

Just make sure your window blinds aren't open.

[–]SavageBillah 28 points29 points ago

Mutual masturbation

[–]GenuinelyCrooked 89 points90 points ago

Look at it this way; do you masturbate because she's bad in bed?

[–]Aleax2358 39 points40 points ago

:O Sometimes!

But then I try and improve it.

[–]LukaCola 85 points86 points ago

Girls can just keep on masturbating really, it's really not uncommon for a girl to out-masturbate a guy. They have the stamina we can't physically keep up with.

[–]exoticwaffle 55 points56 points ago

Wait, are we counting by orgasms or by sessions? Because session wise I'm at maybe 8 times a week, but that's like 28-32 orgasms.

[–]zeCrazyEye 136 points137 points ago

What is this "vagina" and how can I get one.

[–]murphymc 63 points64 points ago

Remember for a few days a month you're in awful pain and it bleeds too.

Trade-offs....

[–]SavageReindeer 17 points18 points ago

Worth it.

[–]LukaCola 14 points15 points ago

I was talking orgasms, the most I've personally ever managed in one session is 2. It's absolutely draining, unless you spend a very long time doing it.

[–]YourFaceSays 8 points9 points ago

Don't rub it in.

Jerk.

[–]sleeper_cylon 46 points47 points ago

or she just really like having orgasms...

[–]WildBananimal 208 points209 points ago

I stop about twice a week.

[–]gotshot567 196 points197 points ago

I walked in on my girlfriend masturbating to lesbian hentai bondage.

[–]zombierror 153 points154 points ago

winning

[–]ArgonGryphon 306 points307 points ago

Everything's better with David Tennant. Especially David Tennant in a tuxedo.

[–]Satan_Loves_U 144 points145 points ago

Especially David Tennant under the pretext of masturbation.

[–]SarahHeartzUnicorns 23 points24 points ago

[–]seidlka 50 points51 points ago

That thought gives me mixed emotions. Sexy doctor feelings.

[–]reversed_pizza 127 points128 points ago

Oh god, how i miss Rose

[–]BrownNote 78 points79 points ago

[–]cassby916 19 points20 points ago

SO MANY TEARS.

[–]EviliciousAZ 17 points18 points ago

THANKS FOR HITTING ME IN THE FEELS

[–]loose-dendrite 18 points19 points ago

I was heartbroken when the Doctor changed because I didn't understand that Doctors change and therefore Rose was gone forever.

[–]TheMissInformed 110 points111 points ago

Girl here. I masturbate 1-2 times per day, multiple orgasms each time.

I have a Hitachi. Fellow Hitachi owners understand.

[–]elnino2k10 260 points261 points ago

?

[–]TacticalSanta 63 points64 points ago

drilldo

[–]by_whom 34 points35 points ago

!

nsfw

[–]dutch_gecko 37 points38 points ago

[–]JagYui 54 points55 points ago

Twice? I usually knock that out before breakfast. Depending on how long it takes to cook or how much my eggs end up looking like boobs.

[–]Lawbat 511 points512 points ago

Girlfriend confides in me. First response? Quick better tell the Internet!

[–]InverseX 54 points55 points ago

To be fair according to the gif his first response was to laugh at her.

[–]iwishiwereagiraffe 898 points899 points ago

girlfriends are so naive..

[–]SpamFilterHatesMe 207 points208 points ago

I think she just wanted to find out how much her boyfrind mastubates.

Clever girl.

[–]honestdirt 575 points576 points ago

i think most girls choose to remain naive about stuff like that. That way we dont seem as disgusting as we actually are.

[–]el_bhm 409 points410 points ago

What exactly is disgusting about masturbation?

[–]Lecks 593 points594 points ago

Depends on how you do it, really.

[–]fallenninja666 192 points193 points ago

Unless its in public, then not really...

[–]Lecks 331 points332 points ago

Then it depends on your audience.

[–]Badgermeister 230 points231 points ago

And their species.

[–]Nickamica 160 points161 points ago

Never forget...

[–]TacticalBacon00 52 points53 points ago

what are we not forgetting now?

EDIT: i'm even more confused now

[–]Brandaman 137 points138 points ago

Colby?

[–]Nokia_Bricks 35 points36 points ago

Nickamica's trip to the zoo. April 23, 1987.

[–]vfxDan 11 points12 points ago

Oh fuck, not again...

[–]Nickamica 20 points21 points ago

The brave words of Colby himself

[–]shiewt 29 points30 points ago

Obligatory Colby 2012

[–]Prof_Nutbutter 166 points167 points ago

One word: Cumbox.

[–]soren121 231 points232 points ago

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT HERE

[–]APSupernary 116 points117 points ago

SHHH! YOU'RE GOING TO DRAW ATTENTION TO IT WITH ALL OF YOUR SHOUTING!

[–]Behindtheline 69 points70 points ago

LOUD NOISES

[–]TacticalBacon00 120 points121 points ago

BOLD HUGE ALL CAPS

[–]Horse_KO 40 points41 points ago

Why am I so excited to be reading about cumbox again! I have problems.

[–]elfonzi 48 points49 points ago

The sometimes shameful tabs that are open when you are done.

[–]Metalheadzaid 23 points24 points ago

There's a reason it's frowned upon in public.

[–]Vladimir_Putins_Cock 74 points75 points ago

Yeah. Stupid Al Qaeda

[–]iputbananasinmybutt 117 points118 points ago

Masturbating is beautiful.

[–]andrewblackwe 268 points269 points ago

I concur, especially when you put a banana in your butt.

[–]ManOfPie 61 points62 points ago

It's fine as long as you don't proceed to let someone eat that banana.

[–]yandere_for_you 84 points85 points ago

Even that's fine as long as they know it was once in someone's butt.

[–]WizzySizzy 141 points142 points ago

That's precisely why I always peel my bananas before I eat them.

"Just in case."

[–]n1ffuM 52 points53 points ago

You do know banana peels are porous, right?

[–]Physics101 80 points81 points ago

Well, shit.

[–]zoidy-1 56 points57 points ago

exactly

[–]annenoise 42 points43 points ago

I practice safe sex - only I eat my own butt-nanas.

[–]addmoreice 31 points32 points ago

hmm...I wonder....

yup.

NSFW NSFW NSFW

http://www.submityourflicks.com/videos/52285/banana-pussy.html

did I mention NSFW?

[–]SmellsLikeSantorum 42 points43 points ago

I was hoping she would eat the banana at the end

[–]Traeco13 18 points19 points ago

I-well....hmm.....

[–]I_REALLY_LIKE_BIRDS 124 points125 points ago

Not all of us are. Some of us probably do it more than you. ;)

[–]dirtythrowaway47 106 points107 points ago

What's your favorite kind of bird?

[–]I_REALLY_LIKE_BIRDS 397 points398 points ago

[–]Schelome 111 points112 points ago

Good choice.

[–]RobotCoyote 74 points75 points ago

I'm happy because I know you're happy that we talked about birds today.

[–]I_REALLY_LIKE_BIRDS 50 points51 points ago

I'm very happy, but I'm also a little sad because I hijacked this thread.

[–]Rath1on 47 points48 points ago

There's no such thing. Comments are meant for discussion. It's not like we're running out of space on the internet.

[–]Ghostalker474 43 points44 points ago

20 minutes people, then we need to empty the Google again.

[–]yakyakly 64 points65 points ago

yeah. that's a cool bird.

[–]pissoutofmyass 35 points36 points ago

That thing has an adorable little head. And it is colorful. That bird probably gets so much [more] action [than I do].

[–]I_REALLY_LIKE_BIRDS 30 points31 points ago

I love it's long tail feathers, and the little feathers on its wings that make them look short and derpy.

[–]tygor 42 points43 points ago

aw, dats a good bird

[–]AetherAlchemyst 19 points20 points ago

Looks like a Bird of Paradise! I want to tap it for mana :D

[–]Sticky_Bandit 34 points35 points ago

Naïve, just love that ï thing.

[–]BambiAnnie 94 points95 points ago

As a girl, please may I clarify that this isn't the 'average' for women. Some of us do it more than twice a week. I feed the pony AT LEAST every other day; sometimes everyday.

[–]InvalidConflict 27 points28 points ago

Upvote for 'feed the pony'

[–]BigTrenton 164 points165 points ago

There's nothing wrong with masterbating it's sex with someone I love...

[–]Carlc4 112 points113 points ago

[–]Alxariam 60 points61 points ago

"Masturbation is having sex with the one person who knows exactly what you want at any given time."

[–]Freakawn 129 points130 points ago

LOL

My girlfriend of 4 years would never admit to masturbating.

When she finally did, (about 2 weeks ago) I felt so relieved.

I asked how often, and now I look at her the way I'd look at myself after staying up for 5 hours into the AM masturbating.

SSHHAAMMEE

[–]wr80 61 points62 points ago

Do you also feel that great feeling followed quickly by self hatred? I always am like yes oh come the fuck on I could be doing something more productive than this.

[–]awe300 37 points38 points ago

I, too masturbate 2 times a week

Just not ONLY 2 times..

[–]LoverOfBacon 49 points50 points ago

"If you ever need a hand with that... I'm here to help!"

[–]Leeloo_Sebat-Dallas 25 points26 points ago

The other side of this would be that it's silly we're (women) embarrassed by masturbation. I'm not naive to the singular social habits of men. But I would find it very hard to admit my own to anyone... without the anonymity of the internet of course :-)

[–]MrAmishJoe 51 points52 points ago

Minimum of 3 times a day. Since I was 12. I'm 31. That's 19 years.

365x19x3...

20805!

[–]AlanCorporation 34 points35 points ago

No masturbating on February 29?

[–]ScottFromScotland 30 points31 points ago

There's a mathsterbation joke in here somewhere.

[–]arloun 14 points15 points ago

And if each sperm would be a person (180 million sperm as average load) you have killed... three trillion seven hundred forty-four billion nine hundred million or, 3,744,900,000,000 people over 19 years or, 540,000,000 a day.

Woo.

[–]jad103 43 points44 points ago

I read Girlfriend as Grandma at first... things got weird.

[–]Thalaas 50 points51 points ago

I masturbated 2 times during this post.

[–]psexxi 63 points64 points ago

My friend says her boyfriend doesnt masterbate at all...

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc9tp6Pkog1qhk0tp.gif

[–]thisisvienna 15 points16 points ago

Eh, actually my boyfriend has a friend that never has, for religious reasons. Apparently if you never do it even once then your body doesn't know it needs to do it. He gets the urge, but never gets blue balls. Cool guy too, he's had several girlfriends and is definitely not asexual. Just had/has intense self control

[–]titosrevenge 14 points15 points ago

I feel like if he ever did you wouldn't see him for months.

[–]zombiepirate 7 points8 points ago

He'll probably start when he turns 14. Some guys are late bloomers.

[–]shadow1515 11 points12 points ago

"Well, I guess two times per hour is a little excessive if you keep it up at that rate...wait, per day? Well, that's hardly any-

No. You're shitting me. Per week?!

BWAHAHAHAHA"

[–]A_Modicum_Of_Lust 5 points6 points ago

A similar situation took place when my spouse, with an unbearable burden of shame, confessed she "took care of business" while watching pornographic cinema. If only she knew I have been doing so for a score or so.