From now on I will pretend there was an incident where America was about to lose the world pre-teen cake eating competition. The Chinese had trained for years, but our real competitor, the Australians. Those sly aussies had rope-a-doped us! Feigning gestrointestinal distress, we didnt' realize their youths were catching up until they were already well ahead. When suddenly...

Obama kicks down the gymnasium door.

"Surprise mother fuckers!" Muscle Pose!

2/3 of the audience is killed instantly by the sheer blinding brilliance of Obama's muscle pose combined with a toothy smile and a wink. But no time for that! Obama dashes over to Charles McFatpants and says "Come on chuckie! You can do it!" Rob Shneider suffers a sudden heart attack and dies with a smile on his face (and Adam Sandler's cock in his fist).

Old Chuckie is struggling though. He foolishly had a Big Mac Value Meal (Super Sized) during the intermission because his blood sugar level was dropping. Now, there's barely enough room for the 13 sheet cakes he's already eaten. But Obama doesn't let up. He grabs a bag of frosting and starts making designs on the next cake. While this is going on he keeps right on yelling at the kid.

"Chuckie, this is pathetic, you gotta do better than this! Your parents won't love you unless you eat more cake. Look at them in the audience. Your dad is dead, looks like his head exploded, and your mom is crying. You know why she's crying chuckie? Because her son is a failure. We're 'Muricans son, and we eat better than anyone one earth. If you let the Aussies beat us, then we're nothing. Because what are we, if not giant fat loads constantly stuffing our faces? What kind of culture do we leave behind if we're second place eaters? Now come on Chuckie... let's get dangerous!"

And Obama drops a cake on the table

tl;dr Blatherin Blatherskite!