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top 200 commentsshow all 228

[–]Optimus_Tard 196 points197 points ago

Try five years. Shit sucks.

[–]Demomon 247 points248 points ago

Try your whole life ._.

[–]thean0nway 146 points147 points ago

So says the 15 year old.

[–]bobdisgea 51 points52 points ago

24

[–]Calgar43 92 points93 points ago

29....Almost a wizard.

[–]reiter761 6 points7 points ago

If you become a grey wizard at 30 will you become a white wizard at 60?

[–]wutanggrenade 1 point2 points ago

And then find 3 more white wizards and go defeat Chaos

[–]achshar 8 points9 points ago

20 here. and this is turning into /r/ForeverAlone. Don't ask how i know this.

[–]x1expert1x 0 points1 point ago

I clicked on the /r/foreverAlone and got redirected to eHarmony o_O

[–]drawingdead0 4 points5 points ago

One more year and you'll grow a third, retractable arm.

[–]ReflexEight 75 points76 points ago

18 year old here. I just want a smooch.

[–]dave32891 5 points6 points ago

wait until college. you'll have plenty of chances if you put yourself out there

[–]BlazeOrangeDeer 24 points25 points ago

How does one do that?

[–]dave32891 28 points29 points ago

go to parties, go out with friends, make new friends, enjoy life before you end up at a 9-5

[–]BlazeOrangeDeer 36 points37 points ago

So, then I should find out how to find friends since all of those require that. hmm

[–]newbiebiscuit 21 points22 points ago

Your biceps must be huge.

[–]ForgottenFork 22 points23 points ago

Well, one of them is...

[–]wagglyteff 14 points15 points ago

On a serious note, just approach a girl one day. Say you're in class and you want to get to know her better.

Step 1: Approach her casually, with something like, "hey how did you do on that test?" Or, "What did you think of about that thing the professor was talking about?" Basically establish yourself as existing. Eventually she'll start saying hi to you while her friends are around, and you'll be able to establish friendships with them.

Step 2: Once she becomes comfortable around you, and you feel like you can make the next step, ask her to lunch! Why lunch? Lunch is WAY less intimidating then dinner is, and it promotes conversation unlike movies. Lunch usually means a 1-2 hour talk, mixed in with food, and then some more talk. This is generally pretty casual and ends with a, "I have class soon, I'll see you around." or, "I gotta get to work soon, but it was nice hanging out." This can be preformed by you, or the other party.

Step 3: By now, you should have continued to hang out with her, maybe have study session with her. (I mean actual study sessions. Bitches love guys who can actually help them focus on their schoolwork.) So, to go on to the next step, dinner. Dinner and a movie even, especially if there's a big flick coming out soon that she's been hinting to want to go see.

Step 4: Well, at this point you should be dating, or you've realized she's not right for you, and you've maintained friendship. Please try to realize that early so you can maintain that friendship without it being awkward. Anyway, your next move should be a decision of yours. At this point, it's up to you to decide how slow or fast you should take things. You'll definitely be eager, so I do recommend going slower than what you may think is a decent pace.

Optional Step: Wingman motherfucker! Get a friend by using steps 1-2 except instead of lunch just hang out, and then use a broupon and ask him to wingman for you.

Also, as stated before, you can use steps 1-2 to make friends, but of course asking a single guy to lunch would definitely be awkward. Just ask what he's doing Saturday, and if he has any free time if he'd like to go do something, like go watch the races, play some vidya, smoke some trees, go to the beach, any of these things and many more can be viable bromance building things to do.

I truly wish you luck on your endeavors of love, and friendship.

Side-Note: Optional Step is useful because it makes a girl more interested in you, without you doing anything. Your friend will already be her friend. He talks to her casually mentioning you, and how you can do that thing she was just talking about which she thought was cool. It's also good to note these things he tells her should probably be true.

[–]Collapsed_Maggot 5 points6 points ago

Oh... a cute girl in a class I take once a week asked me a question she probably already knew the answer to last week.

We had never talked before so I was pretty surprised but she is pretty good looking and seems nice and smart.

I guess that was her first step. I will make sure to say hi next time I meet her.

Edit: typo

[–]BlazeOrangeDeer 2 points3 points ago

Thanks! I can tell that what you described is a pretty good way to go, it's just that there are a limited number of girls in my classes (engineering major).

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]BlazeOrangeDeer 3 points4 points ago

Maybe it's the fact that it's a big university. Also I'm a sophomore and I kind of started at square one this year.

[–]DrXenu 0 points1 point ago

actually going to parties does not require friends... but does require your ability to over hear conversations and facebook stalk. Also you could make friends by being awesome at the party.

[–]supericy 10 points11 points ago

I never understood how people can do that, i could never just show up at a random party not knowing anyone.

[–]KazMux 10 points11 points ago

Sooo.. What do you do at the 9-5 stage?

[–]waaaghbosss 15 points16 points ago

Online dating

cries

[–]Mephisto6 2 points3 points ago

Sorry to interrupt, but what's 9-5 supposed to mean?

[–]Nyter 1 point2 points ago

Working a job 9 to 5 i guess, aka a boring life

[–]RTHREEB 6 points7 points ago

My only response to this is, what if you're an introvert?

It seems to me that extroverts always try to convert introverts into extroverts, as though being an extrovert was like joining an exclusive club.

[–]Zoloir 24 points25 points ago

Being an introvert is confusing, because I am happy/content with myself with very little other interaction, and yet still there is this great need to have that one special companion, but it's so damned hard to find her being this way.

For those who cannot relate, it is different than the feeling you might have for wanting a large group of friends, I simply would not be able to maintain those relationships, i get focused on a select few and otherwise fail to maintain the rest, it's just not something I can do, I will always be friendly and try to make the best, but I just lose touch, except as I said for those select few. One of which, most important of which, is the need for a significant other.

[–]offroadin210 13 points14 points ago

Talk about a battle. Add in social anxiety and that ramps it all up. While I generally find people to be decent, I am much happier doing my own thing. Except at times when it'd be nice to have a moment with someone special.

But fuck me right? Right.

[–]RTHREEB 6 points7 points ago

You just took the words out of my mouth. Although, couple my introversion with Aspergers and you have a giant clusterfuck of awkward.

[–]Unwoollymammoth 0 points1 point ago

The difference here is that you have the ability to choose between being introverted and extroverted at any given time. You may default to one more than the other, but it's no secret that extroversion strongly lends itself to the production of social networks.

If being clever is one of the things you believe an introvert is naturally tuned for, then this should be an obvious route.

[–]urethrasecks 3 points4 points ago

Unfortunately for me I was already doing a "9-6" at 18.

Real-life sucks balls...

[–]Pyrotechnik -1 points0 points ago

What if you have a stutter..?

[–]echoNovemberNine 0 points1 point ago

Too late, already at the 9-5. Nothing to do now but

[–]knownsome 5 points6 points ago

go to parties, get drunk, find drunk chicks

[–]TheAntZ 7 points8 points ago

Be physically attractive and confident in all you say.

[–]bleedsread5 0 points1 point ago

I rave instead of doing bars and clubs.

[–]boopidy-boop 1 point2 points ago

I know its easier said than done, as I have to convince myself to man up every time, but if you just remind yourself the worst that will happen is shell say no, youll get more yes's than you would think.

[–]Pointy130 7 points8 points ago

18, in college, putting myself out there, still turned down by every girl I've ever asked.

[–]fregu149 3 points4 points ago

That feel.. I study Mechanical Engineering. 100% of the class is men. All women are "independent and strong" so they turn down men left and right.

[–]TwentyYearOldVirgin 5 points6 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]creepyeyes 4 points5 points ago

Not at my college.

Woooo 75% men....

[–]Thomasm94 5 points6 points ago

As an electrical engineering student, what's a girl?

[–]musto101 2 points3 points ago

I went through college and indeed my whole life without ever managing to get a girlfriend. I am 24, so forgive me if I have a hard time sympathising with OP

[–]musto101 0 points1 point ago

Oh and before anyone says anything, I go out everyday and meet new people, my best mates are girls, I am confident, outgoing, and forever alone.

[–]bagofbuttholes 3 points4 points ago

Junior in college here. This is just not true. Edit: engineering major only two females I have had class with. Why girl no like engineering?

[–]ReflexEight 0 points1 point ago

I am in college.

[–]lagunka 9 points10 points ago

try 20

[–]Siethron 3 points4 points ago

So what 4-6 years of legitimate sexual interest? 3 years of other people you know dating?

[–]superatheist95 1 point2 points ago

4-6 years of legitimate sexual interest.

Sexual interest. Understatement.

[–]jorgentol 1 point2 points ago

21 here. It's not bad :)

[–]Nerfherder32 0 points1 point ago

16, close enough

[–]PowahDrilluh 1 point2 points ago

Same here... Soon 21 years old and has never had a girlfriend. It's really getting to me too, throwing me into fits of depression on and off for the latest two-three years. It sucks so damn hard, and being unemployed really doesn't help with meeting people. So yeah, I feel you bro :(

[–]Demomon 1 point2 points ago

The feels...

[–]Carter1116 0 points1 point ago

Yah assholes it fuckin sucks

[–]renernavilez 14 points15 points ago

Tell me about it. My left hand looks like spongebobs while my right looks like California.

[–]LovethoseDDs 4 points5 points ago

Try being married...

[–]Valiant91 1 point2 points ago

I know that feel bro, been three years for me.

[–]Nny7229 1 point2 points ago

I felt similar, but only 2 years.

[–]Th4t9uy 1 point2 points ago

8 years! The difference in arm size is actually kind of noticable, in that one looks slightly less weedy.

[–]DreamPhase 0 points1 point ago

I know that feel, bro. I've been single for 6 years now.

[–]Netzaj 1 point2 points ago

Is not that bad. I'm already used to being single and I'm pretty comfy with it.

[–]silent_p 0 points1 point ago

Man, just make sure you try to stay in shape and stuff. I was in the same situation and I basically gave up on myself. Then I somehow got a girlfriend and... nothing is functioning anymore.

[–]Ididerus 0 points1 point ago

7 years, though my off-hand is bigger.

[–]Optimus_Tard 0 points1 point ago

Bicurious over here, eh?

[–]j_wult 66 points67 points ago

TIL Quagmire is a lefty.

[–]Freddie_AppsHero 84 points85 points ago

I've never understood why lefty wankers are so rare. You need your right hand to browse!

[–]HolographicMetapod 51 points52 points ago

I'm right handed in everything except for jerking off. I don't really understand it, because in literally every other aspect of my life, my left hand is completely useless.

But when it comes to that, my left hand just feels... right.

[–]shoulderdestruction 13 points14 points ago

Are you good at complex guitar scales?

[–]jettrscga 4 points5 points ago

I'm right handed for everything except throwing a frisbee and using scissors.

I still have absolutely no idea why.

[–]Sepikuu 2 points3 points ago

Try being right handed for everything except writing.

[–]love-from-london 7 points8 points ago

right.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Never_Seen_An_Ocelot 3 points4 points ago

Glad I'm not alone! Even though it's my dominant hand, working it with righty just feels...wrong.

[–]mastermike14 0 points1 point ago

idk, i switch hands sometimes and jerking off left handed just feels kinda wierd

[–]Pit_of_Death 2 points3 points ago

I was born a leftie, so no transition necessary!

[–]superatheist95 1 point2 points ago

Ambifapstrous.

[–]epraider 0 points1 point ago

I'm perfectly adept with either. I don't understand why there needs to be a classification of "lefty" and "righty."

[–]hisroyalnastiness 4 points5 points ago

I figured that it's just as likely that Quagmire is an ambidextrous jerker but needed his right hand to use the computer, seeing as he's inexperienced with it (he didn't even know there was porn).

[–]Lillipout 71 points72 points ago

How I feel after being married for 7 years [fixed]

[–]girl_with_huge_boobs 15 points16 points ago

damn came here to chime in that notion with 10 years. Although we did just make a baby so that was a fun change of pace.

[–]archebus 7 points8 points ago

but ... your a girl ?

[–]pmazza 10 points11 points ago

His name is just a ploy for upvotes.

[–]CyberneticDickslap 3 points4 points ago

Talk to your doctor to find out if Viagra is right for you or your partner today.

[–]YaSu288 -2 points-1 points ago

Please fix it. You're on Reddit damnit.

[–]superatheist95 1 point2 points ago

It's no use correcting people anymore, the hivemind cannot spell.

[–]amusinggoat 40 points41 points ago

Oh, you think masturbation is your ally. You merely adopted masturbation. I was born to do it, molded by it. I didn’t see a vagina until I was already a man. By then, it was nothing to me but confusing!

[–]Barack-OJimmy 8 points9 points ago

Use the other hand, it'll be like you're dating twins.

[–]KingOfTownHooray 2 points3 points ago

If I suddenly grew a second penis, I would just say "GREAT! ALL I NEED IS ANOTHER DICK TO JERK!"

[–]Jackiedeex 7 points8 points ago

7 months? Oh my sweet summer child...

[–]original-finder 45 points46 points ago

[–]ladysmann1177[S] 14 points15 points ago

you are correct

[–]Retsyn 14 points15 points ago

You masturbate with a huge range of muscle groups.

[–]RTHREEB 4 points5 points ago

You get really creative man.

[–]RTHREEB 0 points1 point ago

Hell Yes

[–]BumCum 14 points15 points ago

[–]modderextreme 9 points10 points ago

7 months? Who cares. Stop defining your self worth by being in a relationship. If that's the only way you feel validated then you have serious problems.

[–]P_Charming 12 points13 points ago

I too spend a lot of time in the gym when I'm single

[–]Rab_Legend 7 points8 points ago

The stranger became familiar

[–]ADoseOfFuckitall 8 points9 points ago

Same thing happens in women

Proof: single/celibate for over three years now.

[–]oheilthere 9 points10 points ago

A fellow vagina owner here , going on 8 years alone.

[–]ADoseOfFuckitall 0 points1 point ago

I ... I am so ... Do you need a hug?

[–]the_second 3 points4 points ago

Yeah, I wouldn't have believed you two months ago, because, women, they can have all the men they want or at least all the sex they want, right? Well, the girl I'm dating right now (wait, is it still dating if sleep at each other's places regularly almost all the time?) was also single for about 3 years. So far, she's absolute gold. I don't know how attractive, nice, intelligent and (as far as I can tell) issue-free women manage to stay single for so long. When I had met her (we were having a student barbecue, I was at the grill, she came along and decided to help out and we started chatting for a bit) I slept a night over that and asked her out the next morning. Because, fuck, that was a wonderful single person right there, why would I NOT want to take a chance at that? And as far as I can see, her circle of friends consists of nice, mostly single guys (we're all somewhat nerdy computer science majors...) who somehow managed to ignore that for THREE YEARS. Not that I'm complaining, I just don't get it. I asked her about it. She told me, she'd tried one-night-stands, they weren't great (I can see why though - took us a few days to become really comfortable in bed with each other). And that she'd just never met the right person. I can't see that though. She's practically surrounded every day by nice, funny, caring and intelligent single guys her age. shrug again

[–]ill_upvote_u 2 points3 points ago

Don't over think this. You just happened to be the right guy who met her at the right time. If you keep asking her about it and obsessing she will start to wonder too and convince herself something is wrong. Also, it is not that strange to be single for a long time (especially if you are in your 20's).

[–]the_second 1 point2 points ago

If you keep asking her about it

I certainly won't, no worries. It was just a subject that came up quite early and left me wondering a bit.

[–]ADoseOfFuckitall 2 points3 points ago

All of my friends, barring three, are male. IDK what it is about most guys when there's an OBVIOUS catch standing in front of them. One of my guys once told me that I was the marrying type, not the fuck 'em and leave 'em type... you'd think that'd be a good thing but apparently guys in their mid 20s would still rather find something to bone than find someone worth spending time with.

[–]epraider 0 points1 point ago

You may want to re-evaluate the type of male friends you have then....

[–]ADoseOfFuckitall 2 points3 points ago

Meh. Guys are guys. They're still good friends. There doesn't have to be a sexual attraction for me to be friends with someone. If that were the case I wouldn't have any female friends!

... wait ...

[–]farfrmsane 3 points4 points ago

[–]rediesel 2 points3 points ago

i'm a 21 yr old virgin never been kissed GIVE ME KARMA UNNNGGHHH

[–]fregu149 3 points4 points ago

7 months.. WOW!! OH MY GOD!! WRITE A FUCKING BOOK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!

[–]Solarnynja 4 points5 points ago

Who doesn't "switch hands"? I do. Fuck. Who wants the same hand EVERY TIME?

[–]meantamrajean 7 points8 points ago

I'm not a guy... But I can't accomplish a thing with my left hand.

[–]Solarnynja 0 points1 point ago

That's funny

[–]70000 1 point2 points ago

Shouldn't of made your reddit nick ladysman

[–]borring 3 points4 points ago

Shouldn't have

Fuck that fuck you.

[–]24hrpleasure 1 point2 points ago

get out there and connect with some bitches

[–]Lying_Cake -1 points0 points ago

Just goin out to get the mail.

[–]Boring_Machine 0 points1 point ago

TIL Quagmire is a lefty. Giggity.

[–]derpbrapbrap 0 points1 point ago

im at about a year. so much money...

that I spend on myself. fuck saving money.

[–]Janus408 0 points1 point ago

Ewww... You're left handed? No wonder...

[–]Pit_of_Death 0 points1 point ago

Let the multi-year drought posts begin! 7 months! HA! Amateur.

[–]kdo54 0 points1 point ago

7 months, please bitch. Try 7 seven years and get back to me.

[–]devinefist81 0 points1 point ago

Try 6 years kid... I miss pussy

[–]MynamesMarie 0 points1 point ago

Do you guys know its 2012 right and there are toys out there?

[–]alphalaz 0 points1 point ago

I'm 27. 2 years single.

[–]Retsyn 0 points1 point ago

Same sitch here. One time I went four.

[–]nightfire1 1 point2 points ago

7 months? That's it? lol

[–]Retsyn 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, OP, if you think there is a timer ticking then you probably just date any old thing. You expect there to be worthy partners available the second you split up with your previous one? It's not always so.

[–]renotime 1 point2 points ago

There is a difference between getting laid and being single, kids.

[–]minhamaconha 1 point2 points ago

a/s/l? 24/f/Vegas single. wanna cyber?

[–]Retsyn 1 point2 points ago

Nice of you, but you'd just make his arm bigger...

[–]Jimbodogg 0 points1 point ago

So your a lefty huh? Lol

[–]silleebare 0 points1 point ago

I use my left hand too! :/

[–]boganpome 0 points1 point ago

TIL quagmire is left handed

[–]MullerBrockmann 0 points1 point ago

Leftys fo' life!

[–]DoofaCling 0 points1 point ago

That explains why the veins in my right arm are so much bigger.

[–]Shablamokablam 0 points1 point ago

OH YOU HAVE IT SOOOOOO BAD.

[–]Rapdogg 0 points1 point ago

Fuck you....i have a girlfriend and i still feel like that.

[–]Pyrotechnik 0 points1 point ago

I have been single for 22 years(my whole life).

[–]treehouseleader 0 points1 point ago

22yr old virgin. Can relate

[–]RollingwithaT 0 points1 point ago

Your username is now inaccurate I suppose...

[–]BeerPowered 0 points1 point ago

you feel left handed?

[–]createer 0 points1 point ago

You're left handed?

[–]Trinitykill 0 points1 point ago

...why are people competing for the longest time single? O.o

I know single life is great, but c'mon, it's not something to aspire to.

[–]iNeedACircusBear 0 points1 point ago

Huh, that is exactly how I'd explain life after a few years of marriage.

[–]Laxmaskin 0 points1 point ago

Wrong hand, dawg.. wrong hand.

[–]prisonmsagro 0 points1 point ago

That's how I felt a few weeks ago when I found out you can search for porn page logins via google.

[–]apinney89 0 points1 point ago

I may be in the minority, but do other people use their right hand? Using the left is like getting a handy from a retard.

Edit: grammar.

[–]JoseJimeniz 0 points1 point ago

38, never had a girlfriend.

[–]Emanderp 0 points1 point ago

Left handed... You got talent

[–]Coolbreezy 0 points1 point ago

Quagmire's a lefty.

[–]insert-name-here 0 points1 point ago

His left arm?! what is this sorcery?

[–]SkyrimFiend99 0 points1 point ago

TIL quagmire is left-handed

[–]sieselshats 0 points1 point ago

hmmm Quagmire is a lefty... interesting

[–]kawaiigardiner 0 points1 point ago

Please differentiate between being single and not getting laid and being single and having a regular fuck buddy.

[–]ReverendVerse 0 points1 point ago

I'm 30 and I've always been single... I can cast magic now.

[–]redcoatwright 0 points1 point ago

I was single for 9 months, but dating someone and not having sex... that's much harder.

[–]SirJiggart 0 points1 point ago

Try 17 years, the weird thing is my left arm hasn't gotten any bigger than my right arm.

[–]flamingboard 0 points1 point ago

Four years.

[–]aareyes12 0 points1 point ago

Going on five years myself.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, MAN!

[–]Mrkickling -1 points0 points ago

Left hNden??

[–]ultrajinx 0 points1 point ago

Just do what I do, Look in the mirror every morning after your ready for school or work and say; Look at that charming sexy motherfucker, and wink.

[–]mj371 0 points1 point ago

Lol I just saw that episode. Good stuff

[–]famaskillr -1 points0 points ago

Hmm.. Quagmire is left-handed

[–]rushadee -1 points0 points ago

TIL Quagmire faps with his left hand

[–]ice-badger 1 point2 points ago

That's how i feel after 7 days...

[–]gobosox147 1 point2 points ago

TIL; Quagmire is left handed

[–]BandyLegsCrane 0 points1 point ago

Nothing wrong with being single folks. Some of us prefer it that way.

[–]BeardedStrangeBatPan 0 points1 point ago

how i feel being single for 4 years.

[–]llcbdavis 0 points1 point ago

switch hands.

[–]llcbdavis 0 points1 point ago

hang in there guys. better nobody than the wrong body. the right person will come along.

[–]tyrico 0 points1 point ago

When will people learn that on reddit, no one cares about 7 months. In fact it is a little sad that people can't cope with being alone.

[–]HellzIguana 0 points1 point ago

Wow, left-handed. Impressive

[–]ne0codex -1 points0 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
How I feel after being single for 8 months [Fixed] 2coms 20pts 9dys funny
Left 4 Dead 2 Charger Explained. 2coms 15pts 1mo funny
TIL Quagmire is left handed. 11coms 77pts 1mo funny

source: karmadecay

[–]ne0codex 0 points1 point ago

Why is this getting downvoted?

[–]fastglass 1 point2 points ago

Oh you poor fucking baby.

[–]AnUchihaDuckling -1 points0 points ago

7 months? Hah! Try 14 years...

[–]AC_Mentor 1 point2 points ago

Try 18...

[–]TheCompass 8 points9 points ago

Girls, girls, you're both pretty.

[–]AnUchihaDuckling 1 point2 points ago

I'm planning on that unfortunately :(

[–]W360 -4 points-3 points ago

Eat shit OP. Boo fucking Hoo.

[–]maebo121 0 points1 point ago

Bitch, please. I've been single for three years.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]emkoirl 3 points4 points ago

When I do it, I am heavy lifting.

[–]webbeco -2 points-1 points ago

On the other hand....

Penis.

Moving on.