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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]BigPoppa807 254 points255 points ago

Awww 20 dollars I wanted a peanut

[–]BananeneinkaufGmbH 203 points204 points ago

Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

[–]lukey19 197 points198 points ago

Explain how.

[–]jamieownsu 241 points242 points ago

Money can be exchanged for goods and services

[–]Chazzey_dude 140 points141 points ago

Woohoo!

[–]eyereport 56 points57 points ago

I could save money by buying my nuts separately and mixing them at home.

[–]Kellboy69 69 points70 points ago

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Nuts and Gum! Together at last!

[–]FoxtrotBeta6 16 points17 points ago

Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites...Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings..."

mmm...

[–]Tawaxyon 22 points23 points ago

I don't have to be careful, I've got a GUN.

[–]prostate_massage 3 points4 points ago

and before that:

the last peanut, overflowing with the oil and salt of his departed brothers

[–]Aaronvan 509 points510 points ago

Homer: "Every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember when I took that wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"

Marge: "You were drunk!"

[–]imacyco 97 points98 points ago

Homer: And how.

[–]Bloody_Conspiracies 20 points21 points ago

You lot would love /r/thesimpsons.

[–]therm 604 points605 points ago

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."

[–]Phantoom 349 points350 points ago

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

[–]arrowheadt 152 points153 points ago

"Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV."

[–]Soryen 123 points124 points ago

"Ha that's future Homer's problem, I'd hate to be that guy"

[–]calmlunatic 91 points92 points ago

"Don't eat me! I have a wife and 3 kids! Eat them!"

[–]DavidVea 181 points182 points ago

"Awww... I have 3 kids and no money! Why can't I have no kids and 3 money?"

[–]silent66 12 points13 points ago

This one made me freaking die first time I heard it.

[–]CodeOfKonami 20 points21 points ago

My condolences.

[–]Mrducktape 27 points28 points ago

"Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.

A dinosaur!"

[–]Jsinmyah 16 points17 points ago

Dear homer,

I owe you 1 donut

Signed homer

Bastard... Hes always one step ahead

[–]Soryen 12 points13 points ago

" How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?"

[–]epmca 4 points5 points ago

Your friends can call you HoJu.

[–]mrwazsx 37 points38 points ago

"lets take out a three year loan what are the odds of that much time passing"

[–]FatZombieMama 9 points10 points ago

"Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock."

[–]nickmangoldsbeard 48 points49 points ago

"You'll have to speak up, im wearing a towel!"

[–]elwood78 37 points38 points ago

Best Simpsons scene:

Homer: So you think you know better than this family, eh? Well as long as you're in my house you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! So butter your bacon!

Bart: Yes father.

Lisa: Mom, dad, my spiritual quest is over!

Homer: Hold that thought... Bacon up that sausage, boy!

Bart: But dad, my heart hurts!

[–]GreatCosmicBlort 5 points6 points ago

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!

[–]Mrs_Mojo_Rising 22 points23 points ago

"I'm not not licking toads."

[–]GeneralPurpose 27 points28 points ago

So out-of-character but so funny.

[–]xnerdyxrealistx 159 points160 points ago

"You mean you're not going to eat ham, or pork, or bacon?"

"Dad! Those all come from the same animal!"

"Yes, Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal"

[–]AscentofDissent 142 points143 points ago

"Was there any food here that wasnt brutally slaughtered??"

"I think the veal died of loneliness."

[–]onanmyman 28 points29 points ago

"It's just a little wet. It's still good. It's still good."

[–]arrowheadt 11 points12 points ago

"It's just a little slimy, it's still good! It's still good!"

[–]JeremyMethfield 9 points10 points ago

"It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good"

[–]sizzlesand 4 points5 points ago

"It's gone."

[–]MiloMuggins 158 points159 points ago

Is this the official quote thread?

Marge: "Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't come in Friday, don't bother coming in Monday."

Homer: "Woohoo! Four day weekend!"

[–]arrowheadt 35 points36 points ago

Best day for me on Reddit in a while!

Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.

[–]meanderingmalcontent 3 points4 points ago

And Reddit.

[–]clearblueeasy 47 points48 points ago

Lisa: "Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?"

Homer: "I dunno. Coast Guard?"

[–]ox_ 32 points33 points ago

"So I said 'listen lady, your car was upside-down when we got here, and as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!'"

[–]andyjelliott 43 points44 points ago

Scientist 1: It could vastly increase your brain power.

Scientist 2: Or it could kill you.

Homer: Increase my killing power, eh?

[–]Jonassen 3 points4 points ago

"Marge, it's a uter-us, not a uter-you."

[–]faceback 183 points184 points ago

"We're gonna pull an all-nighter. Marge, put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers."

[–]reusablerigbot 5 points6 points ago

I say this every time I brew the pre-all nighter 8pm pot of coffee at work.

[–]DryApplejohn 78 points79 points ago

"You don't win friends with salad" and the accompanying song.

[–]AccidentalBirth 15 points16 points ago

In my head now, thanks

[–]arrowheadt 19 points20 points ago

I am evil Homer!

[–]RabidWalrus 11 points12 points ago

I think how everyone except Lisa ended up dancing to the song was the icing on that cake.

[–]MR_WITTY_RESPONSE 152 points153 points ago

That's funny, but this is my favorite Homer quote:

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

[–]Galifreyan2012 97 points98 points ago

I'm moderately wealthy! I can rent anything I want!!

[–]mrmerrbs 208 points209 points ago

I tend to find myself quoting, "To alcohol - the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

[–]IceRay42 126 points127 points ago

In that vein:

"It's true! I'm a rageaholic! I just can't live without rageahol!"

[–]skootles 45 points46 points ago

Marge: My name is Marge S. and I'm a Homerholic.

Otto: You're drinking Homerhol? I'll take a swig!

Marge: I'm afraid what I like can't be swallowed, sniffed, or smoked!

Otto: Then you better inject it between my toes 'cause my mom checks my arms!

[–]smartbycomparison 83 points84 points ago

When ever I am taking a test I always think “Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”

[–]arrowheadt 24 points25 points ago

"Shut up Brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip!"

[–]nashta007 144 points145 points ago

my favorite:

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

[–]arrowheadt 34 points35 points ago

Love that episode.

"Well you can't possible like Maggie the best, what has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody!"

[–]justarandomperson 66 points67 points ago

(From Lisa's Rival.)

Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see?

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Also

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

[–]Walter_The_Cat 13 points14 points ago

"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."

[–]doctorofphysick 8 points9 points ago

The sugar plotline produced so many of the greatest Simpsons lines...

[–]justarandomperson 5 points6 points ago

Texas tea .... sweetener!

[–]PieceOfHeart 6 points7 points ago

Homer: All right, pal, where'd you get the sugar for that tea?

Sugar Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye.

[–]bopoqod 230 points231 points ago

"And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week"

[–]GreatCosmicBlort 127 points128 points ago

"I have three kids and no money....Why can't I have three money and no kids?"

[–]Bluedit5 82 points83 points ago

[–]GreatCosmicBlort 65 points66 points ago

Doh!

[–]Bluedit5 33 points34 points ago

I read your name as 'GreatCosmicBORT'.

We're out of BORT license plates! I repeat, we need more BORT license plates!

[–]arrowheadt 39 points40 points ago

ATTENTION MARGE SIMPSON! YOUR SON HAS BEEN ARRESTED! ... ATTENTION MARGE SIMPSON! YOUR OLDER, BALDER, FATTER SON HAS ALSO BEEN ARRESTED!

[–]SirDigbyChknCaesar 14 points15 points ago

Marge: "I'm so embarrassed. I just wish I could crawl into a hole and die."

I&S Land trooper: "All right, throw her in the hole!"

[–]heresyourhardware 8 points9 points ago

Homer: "But Marge I was a political prisioner!!"

Marge: "How were you a political prisoner?"

Homer: "I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?"

[–]FoxtrotBeta6 5 points6 points ago

Hey mouse, say cheese.

[–]Dinopleasureaus 19 points20 points ago

"Mommy! Mommy! Buy me a licence plate!"

"No, come along, Bort."

"Are you talking to me?"

"No, my son is also named Bort."

[–]jasperpaddles 8 points9 points ago

you talking to me lady?

[–]rdssassin 7 points8 points ago

I'm pretty sure every time I ask for directions from a person and he/she takes a second to think, this happens.

[–]Battletooth 8 points9 points ago

Okay, so you want to take the freeway allllll the way down to exit 2. Yes I know that goes to another state, but trust me, that's the closest McDonalds around here.

[–]Everkeen 166 points167 points ago

“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”

[–]built_to_elvis 45 points46 points ago

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

[–]maximumdose 3 points4 points ago

More good advice!

"I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCLTRjF2eq0

[–]jaythewise 54 points55 points ago

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Or:

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

[–]duckflesh 15 points16 points ago

"Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?"

[–]xnerdyxrealistx 55 points56 points ago

Marge: "You think something's different about Bart?"

Homer: "New glasses?"

Marge: "No, I think he's depressed."

Homer: "Probably misses his old glasses"

Cracks me up every time.

[–]clubsilencio2342 13 points14 points ago

Ahhhh, don't stop there!

Marge: "I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him."

Homer: "Yeah, and then we'd get the chair."

Marge: "That's not what I meant."

Homer: "It was, Marge, admit it."

[–]and_of_four 104 points105 points ago

I like this one. Homer (Max Powers) and Marge drive by a house...

Marge: Look Homer, the address on the house is spelled out with letters!

Homer: Get used to it Marge, from now on we'll be spelling everything with letters!

[–]Professor_Lavahot 50 points51 points ago

"Hello, is this NASA? Good! I'm sick of your boring space launches!"

How did you get this number?

"SHUT UP! And another thing - why can't I get no Tang around here? Also - hold on....flushes toilet"

[–]justarandomperson 16 points17 points ago

Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it would be you. .. SHUT UP!

[–]HeckMonkey 5 points6 points ago

I love how vicious his shut up is at the end. I love angry Homer.

[–]bac5665 49 points50 points ago

Simpson, Homer Simpson/He's the greatest guy in history...

[–]havfunonline 47 points48 points ago

From the, town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chesnut tree....AHhhh!

[–]Abedeus 21 points22 points ago

This was probably my first Simpson's episode I've ever seen. The one where Burns is diagnosed with every single disease known and several unknown was the second.

[–]skootles 18 points19 points ago

So what you're saying is... I'm indestructable!

[–]Walter_The_Cat 22 points23 points ago

god no! why even the slightest breeze...

[–]kerred 29 points30 points ago

indestructible :)

[–]yojimbo124 8 points9 points ago

It's called 'three stooges syndrome'

[–]Abedeus 10 points11 points ago

Here's the door to your body, see? And these are oversized novelty germs. That's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Move it, chowderhead!

[–]bac5665 91 points92 points ago

"Hey Son, want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!?!"

[–]chunky_milk 47 points48 points ago

"Snakes, natures quitters"

[–]picpak 42 points43 points ago

Lisa: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

[–]aaffddssaa 41 points42 points ago

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it was dark and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy."

[–]STD-fense 19 points20 points ago

Along those same lines: "Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?!"

[–]bythewaves 79 points80 points ago

"Marge, I won't lie to you."

-Stops talking-

[–]GrabsWomensTits_Ass 30 points31 points ago

Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

[–]imacyco 14 points15 points ago

"Good night"

I'm pretty sure he says goodnight and goes back to bed. I love that episode.

[–]Ashken 33 points34 points ago

"If a woman says that nothing is wrong, that means everything's wrong. And if she says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And is she says something isn't funny, you better not laugh your ass off."

[–]vaginalcentipedes 36 points37 points ago

Kirk: I sleep in a racecar, do you?

Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

[–]Sartro 7 points8 points ago

"Ha ha ha. 'Can I borrow a feeling'. Ha ha ha ha that's your picture on the front"

"Go ahead, Homer, laugh at me"

"...I already did"

[–]snotch22 34 points35 points ago

Homer: "Wow Moe that team last night sure did suck. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks to ever suck." Marge:"Homer!" Homer:"Sorry Moe i gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening."

[–]Distantly_Fellated 31 points32 points ago

Forty seconds? But I want it now!

[–]RevWaldo 5 points6 points ago

"One week waiting period!? But I'm mad NOW!!"

[–]naturehatesyou 29 points30 points ago

"Why do all the things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?"

[–]mygoodguyaccount 25 points26 points ago

Some guy- "that's because the strongest muscle is the heart" Homer-"I thought it was the weiner. I saw a guy lift a bucket of paint with his"

[–]KarlMalownz 216 points217 points ago

Homer: "There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way."

Bart: "Isn't that just the wrong way?"

Homer: "Yeah, but faster!"

[–]MeinKampfire 73 points74 points ago

the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

He got that name from a hair dryer, remember?

[–]razorhater 46 points47 points ago

He's the man who's name you'd love to touch! But you mustn't touch!

[–]skootles 27 points28 points ago

His name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it, you must'n't fear!

[–]Jsinmyah 12 points13 points ago

Beeeecause his name can be saaid... by anyyooooone

[–]asforalways 37 points38 points ago

Homer: "What am I gonna do with all these angel ashtrays?"

Bart: "I could take up smoking."

Homer: "You damn well better!"

[–]ifelldownthestairs 7 points8 points ago

You can't argue with results!

[–]Bluedit5 5 points6 points ago

It's the Max Power way, not the Homer Simpson way. (then walks into a cactus...best part)

[–]TheArtofXan 5 points6 points ago

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!

[–]offthewoods 43 points44 points ago

My top two:

“And that is why I really don’t believe there’s a God. Thank you, and God bless America!” —Homer

"Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"- millhouse

[–]humblerodent 15 points16 points ago

Your second favorite Homer quote is a Millhouse quote?

[–]holyice7 4 points5 points ago

"Lisa loves Milhouse!"

"NOBODY LOVES MILHOUSE!"

[–]zac--attack 22 points23 points ago

Marge: "You're only hearing what you want to hear."

Homer: "Thanks, I'd love an omelet right about now."

[–]Djsoundwave 58 points59 points ago

"Batman's a scientist"

[–]vaginalcentipedes 23 points24 points ago

"I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry."

[–]Professor_Lavahot 12 points13 points ago

IT'S NOT BATMAN!

[–]ajl_mo 19 points20 points ago

I AM SO SMART!

I AM SO SMART!

S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!

[–]impurethoughts 129 points130 points ago

[–]poignard 49 points50 points ago

Mine is probably "Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth." I think it was in the iliad

[–]Red_AtNight 28 points29 points ago

That was Archimedes, not Homer.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

[–]mediapl0y 19 points20 points ago

"Mmmm.... sacrilicious."

[–]stuwildheart 18 points19 points ago

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

[–]SeaWaveGreg 34 points35 points ago

I'm not not licking toads.

[–]snotch22 12 points13 points ago

save me Jeebus!

[–]DiscoPopStar 38 points39 points ago

It needs context, but the best Homer quote is "I think he's talking to you!"

[–]asforalways 9 points10 points ago

hello, Mr. Thompson

that whole episode was hysterical!!

[–]Le_Master 18 points19 points ago

"Marge, Marge, look. The doll is trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me."

The way the "toaster" part is added on at the end while he's rolling on the floor makes this one of the most hilariously written lines I've ever heard in anything.

[–]FoodBeerBikesMusic 17 points18 points ago

"Shut up brain, before I stab you with a Q-Tip"

[–]sugardick 33 points34 points ago

I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

The delivery is perfect.

[–]hodedoh 16 points17 points ago

Some favorites of mine:

Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

They have the Internet on computers, now?

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

[–]btbam42 15 points16 points ago

Homer: what's keeping that comet?

'Knock at door'

Homer: there it is!!

[–]SwimUA 17 points18 points ago

As Homer and Bart are carrying bowling balls filled with homemade liquor to the local speakeasy during Springfield's prohibition...

Marge: "Are you operating a secret distillery out of our basement?"

Homer: "Aww, I can't lie to you Marge.....so long!"

[–]grrrtotes 16 points17 points ago

"Marge, I'm joining the professional arm-wrestling circuit!!"

"How will this affect your job?"

"Negatively, I assume."

[–]papabehr14 17 points18 points ago

"Look Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!"

[–]ReeG 14 points15 points ago

YOU BETTER RUN EGG!

[–]FoxtrotBeta6 14 points15 points ago

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. "

[–]ninety6days 16 points17 points ago

Dad, what's the point of that story?

I like stories.

[–]teleporterdown 29 points30 points ago

I know it's not a Homer quote, but I find myself saying it all the time: "If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town."

[–]Professor_Lavahot 17 points18 points ago

Hold on now - there are two exceptions, and it gets kind of tricky here, tanginess can be imparted by fungus contamination in the still, and it can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

[–]xnerdyxrealistx 19 points20 points ago

Ugh, this is so boring. You can stay, but I'm leaving.

[–]UserNumber42 10 points11 points ago

The way he falls at the end of the bit is amazing.

[–]mrbuttsavage 3 points4 points ago

Hold on now - there are two exceptions, and it gets kind of tricky here, Adirondack cider can be yellow if you're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

FTFY

[–]Tularemia 28 points29 points ago

Bart: “So wait a minute, this means I’m gonna be a failure?”

Homer: "Yes, son. A spectacular failure."

[–]pfitz6 13 points14 points ago

"I see Lisa, but it could be a starfish."

[–]luxury_yacht 13 points14 points ago

"5 days? But I'm mad now! ...I'D KILL YOU IF I HAD MY GUN"

[–]Tawaxyon 4 points5 points ago

Aaand this is for shooting down police helicopters.

[–]luxury_yacht 5 points6 points ago

I don't need that.....yet

[–]killdevil 3 points4 points ago

Yeah, well, you don't.

[–]lagerithm 25 points26 points ago

I clicked this thinking it would be a quote from the Greek poet, Homer. My brain isn't quite working yet this morning.

[–]Piemonkey 5 points6 points ago

No, this is Homer the Yogi Berra of philosophy.

[–]MiloMuggins 13 points14 points ago

Yogi Berra is already the Yogi Berra of philosophy.

[–]Mikey-2-Guns 11 points12 points ago

Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...

[–]Nrksbullet 5 points6 points ago

Dont touch anything? Ill smash anything I want! Gah! Gyuh!! HAGH!!!

[–]JeremyMethfield 10 points11 points ago

"But I was using my whole ass."

[–]wongaroota 11 points12 points ago

("Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.")

"I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- Mmm, sacrilicious."

[–]static-Cat 11 points12 points ago

Carmen Electra: "My eyes are up there, Homer"

Determined Homer: "I've made my choice!"

[–]newfiex 8 points9 points ago

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing"

[–]KookyGuy 8 points9 points ago

Is anyone amazed that this got over a 1000 upvotes in one hour? Impressive. Not complaining. I love the simpsons.

[–]grublinton 9 points10 points ago

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

[–]x3nopon 8 points9 points ago

"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!"

[–]ajl_mo 10 points11 points ago

Oh Lisa you and your stories: Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building....thingie... where our beds and TV....is.

[–]Enchilada_McMustang 10 points11 points ago

"Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?"

"Really?"

"You?"

[–]irishmike165 8 points9 points ago

"Nobody ruins my family's vacation but me, and maybe the boy!"

[–]arrowheadt 7 points8 points ago

"Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away, nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't! Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them! Like one time, they were having this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in front, so I figure, we'll see about that! So I get this big chunk of cinder block, and -- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!"

[–]irishmike165 4 points5 points ago

"So, you don't like the old time bikes, huh?"

[–]Austinlegend 5 points6 points ago

As someone who was Homer for Halloween I agree with this quote.

[–]jayhawk88 6 points7 points ago

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

[–]HooptyDooDooMeister 6 points7 points ago

Homer (about to be abducted by aliens): “Please, I have a wife and kids – take them!”

Ringo Starr has said this is his favorite line in the show btw.

[–]finglonger82 7 points8 points ago

Stupid TV! Be more funny!

[–]AeBeeEll 5 points6 points ago

To anyone who enjoys seeing stuff like this, check out /r/TheSimpsons

[–]TeamStark31 4 points5 points ago

One of my favorite exchanges on the show:

Ralph: Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy. Homer: Yeah, they'll do that.

[–]D3FEATER 14 points15 points ago

It's actually funnier in context

[–]Cadamar 6 points7 points ago

My dream internet service would allow me to select seasons...say, 3-8 of The Simpsons, hit Shuffle, and just watch whatever came on.

Man, I miss when that show was good.

[–]senseshaper 2 points3 points ago

The best Homer quote: “Of all creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred that is weaker than man.”

[–]ColeSloth 4 points5 points ago

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel, when he's holding a gun.

[–]13channelsofshit 4 points5 points ago

Aaaaaand Homer has been banned from /r/SRS

[–]Milkusa 5 points6 points ago

Marge: He prefers the company of men.

Homer: Who doesn't!

[–]bac5665 16 points17 points ago

"We're going to have sex"

"We don't have to."

"Yes we do, the fortune cookie said so."

"Desserts aren't always right."

"But their So tasty!"

[–]havfunonline 25 points26 points ago

"But they're SO sweet!"

FTFY

[–]ophilye 6 points7 points ago

"Sorry doesn't put thumbs back on the hand, Marge!"

[–]Mergeville 3 points4 points ago

(One of) The best homer quote(s).

[–]thebeatlemania 3 points4 points ago

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

[–]officialnast 5 points6 points ago

How could a man just abandon his family? By which I mean, what is the method he would use, and could anyone do it?

[–]TehNintendoNinja 3 points4 points ago

"Hmmm to continue press any key. There isn't any 'any' key!"

[–]klipse 3 points4 points ago

GRIMES: "You? Went into outer space? YOU?"

HOMER: "Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?"

[–]EastonRhodes 3 points4 points ago

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

[–]HAIKU_MOTHERFUCKERS 3 points4 points ago

Marge's restless night

She reshingles the roof now

But shouldn't she bake?