The best homer quote.

BigPoppa807 · 2012-11-02T14:53:31+00:00

Awww 20 dollars I wanted a peanut

Aaronvan · 2012-11-02T15:28:39+00:00

Homer: "Every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember when I took that wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"

Marge: "You were drunk!"

therm · 2012-11-02T15:03:01+00:00

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."

faceback · 2012-11-02T15:15:26+00:00

"We're gonna pull an all-nighter. Marge, put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers."

DryApplejohn · 2012-11-02T15:15:49+00:00

"You don't win friends with salad" and the accompanying song.

MR_WITTY_RESPONSE · 2012-11-02T14:43:03+00:00

That's funny, but this is my favorite Homer quote:

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

mrmerrbs · 2012-11-02T14:54:06+00:00

I tend to find myself quoting, "To alcohol - the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

nashta007 · 2012-11-02T15:18:53+00:00

my favorite:

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

justarandomperson · 2012-11-02T15:26:10+00:00

(From Lisa's Rival.)

Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see?

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Also

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

bopoqod · 2012-11-02T14:52:59+00:00

"And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week"

Everkeen · 2012-11-02T15:20:01+00:00

“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”

jaythewise · 2012-11-02T15:29:36+00:00

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Or:

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

xnerdyxrealistx · 2012-11-02T15:44:31+00:00

Marge: "You think something's different about Bart?"

Homer: "New glasses?"

Marge: "No, I think he's depressed."

Homer: "Probably misses his old glasses"

Cracks me up every time.

and_of_four · 2012-11-02T15:16:44+00:00

I like this one. Homer (Max Powers) and Marge drive by a house...

Marge: Look Homer, the address on the house is spelled out with letters!

Homer: Get used to it Marge, from now on we'll be spelling everything with letters!

Professor_Lavahot · 2012-11-02T15:28:23+00:00

"Hello, is this NASA? Good! I'm sick of your boring space launches!"

How did you get this number?

"SHUT UP! And another thing - why can't I get no Tang around here? Also - hold on....flushes toilet"

bac5665 · 2012-11-02T15:18:22+00:00

Simpson, Homer Simpson/He's the greatest guy in history...

bac5665 · 2012-11-02T15:22:19+00:00

"Hey Son, want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!?!"

chunky_milk · 2012-11-02T15:08:56+00:00

"Snakes, natures quitters"

picpak · 2012-11-02T15:29:38+00:00

Lisa: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

aaffddssaa · 2012-11-02T15:34:53+00:00

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it was dark and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy."

bythewaves · 2012-11-02T15:30:08+00:00

"Marge, I won't lie to you."

-Stops talking-

Ashken · 2012-11-02T15:33:40+00:00

"If a woman says that nothing is wrong, that means everything's wrong. And if she says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And is she says something isn't funny, you better not laugh your ass off."

vaginalcentipedes · 2012-11-02T15:30:53+00:00

Kirk: I sleep in a racecar, do you?

Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

snotch22 · 2012-11-02T15:34:47+00:00

Homer: "Wow Moe that team last night sure did suck. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks to ever suck." Marge:"Homer!" Homer:"Sorry Moe i gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening."

Distantly_Fellated · 2012-11-02T15:15:56+00:00

Forty seconds? But I want it now!

naturehatesyou · 2012-11-02T15:27:56+00:00

"Why do all the things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?"

mygoodguyaccount · 2012-11-02T15:27:55+00:00

Some guy- "that's because the strongest muscle is the heart" Homer-"I thought it was the weiner. I saw a guy lift a bucket of paint with his"

KarlMalownz · 2012-11-02T15:12:54+00:00

Homer: "There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way."

Bart: "Isn't that just the wrong way?"

Homer: "Yeah, but faster!"

offthewoods · 2012-11-02T15:16:36+00:00

My top two:

“And that is why I really don’t believe there’s a God. Thank you, and God bless America!” —Homer

"Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"- millhouse

zac--attack · 2012-11-02T15:53:48+00:00

Marge: "You're only hearing what you want to hear."

Homer: "Thanks, I'd love an omelet right about now."

Djsoundwave · 2012-11-02T14:37:12+00:00

"Batman's a scientist"

ajl_mo · 2012-11-02T15:37:44+00:00

I AM SO SMART!

S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!

impurethoughts · 2012-11-02T15:17:35+00:00

http://i.imgur.com/M98rU.jpg

mediapl0y · 2012-11-02T15:33:33+00:00

"Mmmm.... sacrilicious."

stuwildheart · 2012-11-02T15:48:39+00:00

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

SeaWaveGreg · 2012-11-02T14:44:08+00:00

I'm not not licking toads.

DiscoPopStar · 2012-11-02T15:29:35+00:00

It needs context, but the best Homer quote is "I think he's talking to you!"

Le_Master · 2012-11-02T15:34:50+00:00

"Marge, Marge, look. The doll is trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me."

The way the "toaster" part is added on at the end while he's rolling on the floor makes this one of the most hilariously written lines I've ever heard in anything.

FoodBeerBikesMusic · 2012-11-02T15:31:23+00:00

"Shut up brain, before I stab you with a Q-Tip"

sugardick · 2012-11-02T15:33:30+00:00

I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

The delivery is perfect.

hodedoh · 2012-11-02T15:24:21+00:00

Some favorites of mine:

Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

They have the Internet on computers, now?

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

btbam42 · 2012-11-02T15:29:52+00:00

Homer: what's keeping that comet?

'Knock at door'

Homer: there it is!!

SwimUA · 2012-11-02T15:36:58+00:00

As Homer and Bart are carrying bowling balls filled with homemade liquor to the local speakeasy during Springfield's prohibition...

Marge: "Are you operating a secret distillery out of our basement?"

Homer: "Aww, I can't lie to you Marge.....so long!"

grrrtotes · 2012-11-02T15:41:13+00:00

"Marge, I'm joining the professional arm-wrestling circuit!!"

"How will this affect your job?"

"Negatively, I assume."

papabehr14 · 2012-11-02T15:43:55+00:00

"Look Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!"

ReeG · 2012-11-02T15:28:28+00:00

YOU BETTER RUN EGG!

FoxtrotBeta6 · 2012-11-02T15:30:57+00:00

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. "

ninety6days · 2012-11-02T15:31:14+00:00

Dad, what's the point of that story?

I like stories.

teleporterdown · 2012-11-02T15:21:49+00:00

I know it's not a Homer quote, but I find myself saying it all the time: "If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town."

Tularemia · 2012-11-02T15:29:20+00:00

Bart: “So wait a minute, this means I’m gonna be a failure?”

Homer: "Yes, son. A spectacular failure."

pfitz6 · 2012-11-02T15:24:35+00:00

"I see Lisa, but it could be a starfish."

luxury_yacht · 2012-11-02T15:40:38+00:00

"5 days? But I'm mad now! ...I'D KILL YOU IF I HAD MY GUN"

lagerithm · 2012-11-02T15:12:23+00:00

I clicked this thinking it would be a quote from the Greek poet, Homer. My brain isn't quite working yet this morning.

Mikey-2-Guns · 2012-11-02T15:21:39+00:00

Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...

JeremyMethfield · 2012-11-02T15:32:45+00:00

"But I was using my whole ass."

wongaroota · 2012-11-02T15:35:59+00:00

("Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.")

"I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- Mmm, sacrilicious."

static-Cat · 2012-11-02T15:45:10+00:00

Carmen Electra: "My eyes are up there, Homer"

Determined Homer: "I've made my choice!"

newfiex · 2012-11-02T15:25:49+00:00

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing"

KookyGuy · 2012-11-02T15:27:07+00:00

Is anyone amazed that this got over a 1000 upvotes in one hour? Impressive. Not complaining. I love the simpsons.

grublinton · 2012-11-02T15:34:48+00:00

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

x3nopon · 2012-11-02T15:38:30+00:00

"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!"

ajl_mo · 2012-11-02T15:39:48+00:00

Oh Lisa you and your stories: Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building....thingie... where our beds and TV....is.

Enchilada_McMustang · 2012-11-02T15:48:29+00:00

"Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?"

"Really?"

"You?"

irishmike165 · 2012-11-02T15:47:32+00:00

"Nobody ruins my family's vacation but me, and maybe the boy!"

arrowheadt · 2012-11-02T15:57:24+00:00

"Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away, nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't! Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them! Like one time, they were having this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in front, so I figure, we'll see about that! So I get this big chunk of cinder block, and -- Oh, gotta go. Innocent!"

Austinlegend · 2012-11-02T15:32:57+00:00

As someone who was Homer for Halloween I agree with this quote.

jayhawk88 · 2012-11-02T15:36:42+00:00

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

HooptyDooDooMeister · 2012-11-02T15:37:16+00:00

Homer (about to be abducted by aliens): “Please, I have a wife and kids – take them!”

Ringo Starr has said this is his favorite line in the show btw.

finglonger82 · 2012-11-02T15:43:11+00:00

Stupid TV! Be more funny!

AeBeeEll · 2012-11-02T15:34:28+00:00

To anyone who enjoys seeing stuff like this, check out /r/TheSimpsons

TeamStark31 · 2012-11-02T15:40:20+00:00

One of my favorite exchanges on the show:

Ralph: Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy. Homer: Yeah, they'll do that.

D3FEATER · 2012-11-02T14:51:16+00:00

It's actually funnier in context

Cadamar · 2012-11-02T15:43:53+00:00

My dream internet service would allow me to select seasons...say, 3-8 of The Simpsons, hit Shuffle, and just watch whatever came on.

Man, I miss when that show was good.

senseshaper · 2012-11-02T15:33:25+00:00

The best Homer quote: “Of all creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred that is weaker than man.”

ColeSloth · 2012-11-02T15:36:25+00:00

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel, when he's holding a gun.

13channelsofshit · 2012-11-02T15:38:50+00:00

Aaaaaand Homer has been banned from /r/SRS

Milkusa · 2012-11-02T16:18:13+00:00

Marge: He prefers the company of men.

Homer: Who doesn't!

bac5665 · 2012-11-02T15:20:33+00:00

"We're going to have sex"

"We don't have to."

"Yes we do, the fortune cookie said so."

"Desserts aren't always right."

"But their So tasty!"

ophilye · 2012-11-02T15:40:15+00:00

"Sorry doesn't put thumbs back on the hand, Marge!"

Mergeville · 2012-11-02T15:35:08+00:00

(One of) The best homer quote(s).

thebeatlemania · 2012-11-02T15:40:25+00:00

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

officialnast · 2012-11-02T15:49:36+00:00

How could a man just abandon his family? By which I mean, what is the method he would use, and could anyone do it?

TehNintendoNinja · 2012-11-02T16:09:25+00:00

"Hmmm to continue press any key. There isn't any 'any' key!"

klipse · 2012-11-02T16:30:09+00:00

GRIMES: "You? Went into outer space? YOU?"

HOMER: "Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?"

EastonRhodes · 2012-11-02T16:49:15+00:00

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

HAIKU_MOTHERFUCKERS · 2012-11-02T16:57:18+00:00

Marge's restless night

She reshingles the roof now

But shouldn't she bake?

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