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CPR according to The Onion. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by lucasbytegenius

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[–]willowisps 78 points79 points ago

It didn't even explain the hacksawing off the limbs.

[–]lucasbytegenius[S] 42 points43 points ago

It allows more air to reach the lungs.

[–]willowisps 14 points15 points ago

Thanks for clearing that up. Maybe I should start carrying around a hacksaw just encase someone goes into cardiac arrest.

[–]Brandon01524 9 points10 points ago

You have to be certified before you're allowed to do that

[–]breachgnome 10 points11 points ago

He read the diagram... Certified!

[–]Msj2705 2 points3 points ago

Luckily, the certification process is you sneaking up on the people in charge of that, and showing them what you can do with a hacksaw.

Doesn't take much more than a few minutes and a couple gallons of hydrofluoric acid.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]lucasbytegenius[S] 4 points5 points ago

Already been explained in the image, keeps the victim from going into shock like they tend to do during CPR.

[–]TrinityDejavu 2 points3 points ago

This is the part that worried me the most.

[–]1_point_21_gigawatts 2 points3 points ago

I believe the reasoning is just because.

[–]manicmalice 2 points3 points ago

It prevents blood from flowing to the limbs instead of the vital organs.

[–]pm6041141 12 points13 points ago

That's not a hacksaw...

[–]RipTatermen 20 points21 points ago

I know, it's a backsaw, and saws aren't for lopping, they're for sawing. Brohonestly, it makes me doubt the veracity of this whole infographic.

[–]t0wn 36 points37 points ago

It's the Onion. This isn't wtf.

[–]RockHardRetard 4 points5 points ago

This seems a bit too wtf even for the Onion.

[–]Wolligepoes 7 points8 points ago

It's wtf to me.

[–]Angrymob123 4 points5 points ago

Victim of cardiac arrest, or assault to its finest? (or worst?)

[–]Lucius704 7 points8 points ago

This is false, you gotta break the sternum BEFORE hacksawing the limbs!

[–]Jwats96 11 points12 points ago

Isn't that what it says?

[–]SkaveRat 17 points18 points ago

sigh so many people die because idiots keep doing it wrong

[–]FrostThorn 10 points11 points ago

This should be in /funny.

[–]Ehakan 1 point2 points ago

lolwut

[–]Jatoro 0 points1 point ago

Well, at least the sternum part is partially true. When you start chest compressions, the way you know that you're pressing hard enough is if you hear a loud crack indicating that the sternum's been broken. Most CPR dummies even have a clicky-thing to simulate the sound and feel.

[–]inn0vat3 6 points7 points ago

I've been hearing this a lot, too. However, my father, who was an ER nurse for 25 years, has said he's never even heard of such a thing, and that he never "made sure to break a patient's sternum".

So I don't know what to believe.

[–]tripletwist 3 points4 points ago

This is wrong - the click is to give you an idea of how deep to compress the chest. The aim is certainly not to break the sternum, though that is a possible complication of CPR, particularly in old people with shitty bones.

[–]chloegirl40 1 point2 points ago

This is great! Hahaha I definitely needed the laugh. One of my best friends is an EMT and I'm sure she would appreciate this.

[–]cefarix 0 points1 point ago

Cricket bats work better.

[–]thek2kid 1 point2 points ago

Nobody knows cricket. You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket

[–]cefarix 0 points1 point ago

Or be South Asian.

[–]blackdragon42 0 points1 point ago

BONK!

[–]nowaffles4u 0 points1 point ago

Brutal.

[–]darya521 0 points1 point ago

Seems about right...

[–]element3media 0 points1 point ago

This made me laugh so hard I started crying. And I am at an Irish bar in manhattan.

[–]danyim 0 points1 point ago

Totally awesome, but THAT IS NOT A HACKSAW!

[–]fluffeh_kittay 0 points1 point ago

I've been doing it wrong.

[–]kingkooka -1 points0 points ago

Explain to me how this is fucked up. Do you not have a sense of humour? You realize the onion is entirely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously, ever. I'm an EMT and found this hilarious. You need to not take life seriously.

[–]lucasbytegenius[S] 0 points1 point ago

Wasn't taking any of this seriously, wow. Thought this more appropriate for /WTF than /funny.

[–]Santorum_Dirty_Dick 0 points1 point ago

I'm afraid.

[–]m1k3y60659 0 points1 point ago

TIL

[–]VivaCheeseWhiz 0 points1 point ago

This isn't wtf material. The point of The Onion is satire. If this was in place of an actual CPR poster at the office, it may be WTF. So please, post something really fucking gory to redeem yourself and your atrophied irony muscle.

[–]lucasbytegenius[S] 3 points4 points ago

/r/WTF isn't all about gore. It's stuff that makes you say WTF, and dear god, this made me say it 6 times.

[–]Acronomicon 0 points1 point ago

Shut the fuck up

I bet you're one of those people that complains when everything isn't wtf material for you and you think /r/WTF should be full of gore

[–]VivaCheeseWhiz -2 points-1 points ago

Wellll... Yes, I do want r/wtf to be full of gore.

[–]Acronomicon 2 points3 points ago

Go to /r/Gore or /r/MorbidReality

[–]twalker294 1 point2 points ago

The Onion used to be funny.

[–]iheartbakon 7 points8 points ago

r/wtf used to be WTF.

[–]dirty_fat_cunt_raper -1 points0 points ago

This is more /r/funny nice try though.

[–]lucasbytegenius[S] 1 point2 points ago

I have a big white van in the back where the rest of your kind are "partying" (gang rape) and you can go join them for free, they have "pizza" (table saws) and "soda" (rat poison).

[–]Acronomicon 1 point2 points ago

No, no it isn't.

It shows a man being decapitated and getting his face smashed

Now, tell me, what part of that belongs in r/funny?

[–]dirty_fat_cunt_raper -2 points-1 points ago

It's drawn and meant to be funny.

[–]Adrian2016 -2 points-1 points ago

Fun fact the sternum actually is supposed to break when you perform CPR.

[–]RusskiEnigma 0 points1 point ago

"Tonight on Fox, a mother is killed and her corpse left severely deformed after her son attempted CPR using the method he learned from The Onion, tonight, at eleven."

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