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top 200 commentsshow all 415

[–]orthag 23 points24 points ago

Your first mistake was comparing yourself to James Franco. Your second mistake was also comparing yourself to James Franco.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

Hey, Bean is a cool cat. It's the ladies loss.

[–]mastermike14 9 points10 points ago

actually this guy has an incredibly hot wife and daughter too

[–]javabrewer 5 points6 points ago

the daughter has JBF hair

[–]nismo9 2 points3 points ago

I am in shock.

[–]littlewondrousthings 5 points6 points ago

HAIR???

[–]pomdecouer[!] 2 points3 points ago

wtf happened to her hair

[–]lethargicwalrus 413 points414 points ago

This hits too close to home.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Rocketbird 301 points302 points ago

[–]isotope123 148 points149 points ago

[–]MrNewking 34 points35 points ago

[–]i_cant_mathematics 52 points53 points ago

I wasn't quite sure at first where this story was gonna go

[–]SoloJones 54 points55 points ago

I'm surprised it didnt' end with spaghetti or some floor-walking dinosaurs.

[–]tomutwit 10 points11 points ago

or tree fiddy

[–]wolvmatt 107 points108 points ago

I don't think you know what "friends-with-benefits" means.

[–]SensibleMadness 165 points166 points ago

It means she has health insurance, right?

[–]StupidButSerious 43 points44 points ago

And free daycare!

[–]CFGX 59 points60 points ago

It means she has a boyfriend to help take care of her kid, but she can still fuck other dudes.

[–]NextName 3 points4 points ago

Er, nope. Friends with benefits means you casually have sex with each other but aren't in an actual relationship. It's sex without strings attached.

[–]cocorebop 11 points12 points ago

...and he can fuck other girls. this is what "friends with benefits" means

[–]bluntzfang 6 points7 points ago

No, what CFGX described was an open relationship.

[–]StupidButSerious 25 points26 points ago

Benefits for her lol.

[–]borntorunathon 43 points44 points ago

Yeah, that's a straight up girlfriend-with-a-kid. Quite the opposite of a FWB.

[–]lynnangel 17 points18 points ago

I don't think you know what "friends" means. "Friends with benefits" means you're friends to begin with. Friends help friends, and hang out with them, and enjoy their company.

[–]Lupinefiasco 18 points19 points ago

I agree, and I think we're just put off by his subtle brag. "Guys I'm banging this super hot MILF. This information is in no way relevant to the story I'm about to tell."

[–]Octatonic 3 points4 points ago

It shows some emotion from the story-teller and makes the story more vivid. He could be telling us that the trees always smell wonderful this time of the year, or that he ocean waves always remind him of home... Or that his friend is a MILF if he ever saw one. Same thing, he just didn't account for the sexual repression of the audience.

[–]BeenWildin 5 points6 points ago

super friendship

[–]Peregrination 10 points11 points ago

Oh man, you should watch Hostel if only for these little shits.

[–]Nickston 32 points33 points ago

What the fuck are you talking about?? It went from commenting on a funny pic to you sleeping with a milf, getting chased by a gang of murderous kids to a pedo in the woods watching kids. Huh?

[–]Rapidos 11 points12 points ago

Just like in school:

read it a few more times and it will all make sense

[–]MrNewking 21 points22 points ago

[–]Not_a_bot_bot 2 points3 points ago

I thought I followed the story fine. But everyone is freaking out. Can someone please explain what is so crazy about this story?

[–]borntorunathon 13 points14 points ago

So you are sleeping with her, she's not your girlfriend, and you take care of her kid sometimes? That's not a friend-with-benefits. She's either using you for sex and child care, or you're in much deeper than you'd like to admit.

[–]18thcenturyPolecat 1 point2 points ago

It is CLEARLY friends with benefits. She is definitely benefiting.

[–]lethargicwalrus 16 points17 points ago

9.6/10; would fap again.

[–]Whaddaulookinat 10 points11 points ago

Ugh, this looks like my dad haha

[–]CTRL_ALT_RAPE 6 points7 points ago

ಠ◡ಠ

[–]ani625 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, like in Australia.

[–]RobotDob 235 points236 points ago

Ostriches shouldn't be checking out our human women, call me old fashioned.

[–]Whodini 113 points114 points ago

It just ain't right I tell ya.

[–]HashSlingingSlash3r 72 points73 points ago

T'ain't right, t'ain't natural.

[–]achievable_chode44 38 points39 points ago

lol taint

[–]Schroedingers_gif 36 points37 points ago

Optimal maturity achieved.

[–]BlackManonFIRE 15 points16 points ago

OP is an ostrich.

[–]Sniper_Guz 10 points11 points ago

Ostrich Pervert?

[–]SaucyLoggins 0 points1 point ago

Way to point out the joke.

[–]BlackManonFIRE 3 points4 points ago

If OP is an ostrich, then how is that a joke?

[–]koshercowboy 9 points10 points ago

Them boys be miscegenating I tell ya!

[–]ramesali786 37 points38 points ago

God made Adam and Eve, not Ostrich and Eve!

[–]N0V0w3ls 29 points30 points ago

Fucking racist.

That's an emu.

[–]faunablues 12 points13 points ago

whatever, you ratites all look the same to me

[–]Timett_son_of_Timett 23 points24 points ago

But we're allowed to check out all the Ostrich women... fucking double standards, man.

[–]CauseWithoutARebel 15 points16 points ago

So it's perfectly alright for the pictured emu, then?

[–]eyereport 18 points19 points ago

DEY TOOK OUR JORBS WIMMINZ!

[–]MHB210 3 points4 points ago

You got something against Ostriches?

[–]truefinn 9 points10 points ago

Who doesn't

[–]SpringInJapan 196 points197 points ago

Once again, the "Be attractive; Don't be unattractive" rule comes into play.

[–]fortuitous_bounce 141 points142 points ago

Handsome harder than the other guys.

[–]N0V0w3ls 25 points26 points ago

Here comes the smolder.

[–]MisterKnut 13 points14 points ago

This is kind of an off-day for me, this doesn't normally happen.

[–]JTDeuce 13 points14 points ago

I always trip up on the last part.

[–]Mrs_Mojo_Rising 5 points6 points ago

[–]artacuno53 17 points18 points ago

DAMMIT

[–]throwaway_sss 7 points8 points ago

right in the uglies, man :(

[–]BallsackTBaghard 19 points20 points ago

I can vouch for that. I am fairly attractive. I can do lots of creepy things around women and get away with it.

[–]jamesf797 26 points27 points ago

I hate you.

[–]JustAGuyFromQueens 9 points10 points ago

You are the enemy of men.

[–]lynnangel 10 points11 points ago

I will not vouch for that. If you're being a creep I'll make a face at you and move away. For some reason the "what the fuck is wrong with you" face hits guys harder if they're more attractive though.

The key here for how to not be a creep is the side glance that doesn't last more than five seconds. If that ostrich just happened to walk by the yard and took a side glance as he passed then we'd be cool, but nope, he just had to stare over the fence like a creep.

[–]BallsackTBaghard 2 points3 points ago

The key is to be creepy around people, that you don't actually care about. If the woman gives a look of disgust, then it is kinda hilarious actually.

EDIT: for example if you pull the "fake wiener" on her

[–]Squirrelson 5 points6 points ago

You're an asshole

[–]severalthings 2 points3 points ago

There comes an age though (23?) where women realize the really good-looking men are dbags. I promise this happens.

Source: I am a woman.

[–]itsagunrack 13 points14 points ago

As a woman, it's nothing to do with the attractiveness of the looker, but how he goes about looking. If you're leering or making 'complementary' comments, it doesn't matter how good looking you are, you're going to be perceived as a perve and a pest. If you're just caught having a bit of a look without being sleazy about it, you're probably just going to make her day.

[–]cheeto44 8 points9 points ago

So one thing I do that seems to me to me to be a nice thing is that I wear hats a lot, and so I use the old gentleman's code of removing your hat for a hello, or if its a western style hat a simple pinch of the brim and nodding in her direction. Reaction so far tends to be either blush and giggle or friendly wave back. Women still value that or are they just confused by someone who is wearing an out of date hat?

[–]StockiestPillow 4 points5 points ago

It's largely because hats are relatively rare, it's kind of a novelty. Adds a few ounces of class to be "Hello"'d with a hat as well. As a fellow hatman, it's fantastic.

[–]Missionary 9 points10 points ago

Now you can't even compliment women. Fucking christ, I'm done. Gonna go become a Buddhist monk.

[–]Tofu24 5 points6 points ago

Women field a lot of unsolicited and unwanted compliments from strangers on a regular basis. Though your intentions may be pure, she can't possibly know that, and it's safer for her to assume that you're a creep and blow you off. Them's the breaks.

[–]viiScorp 3 points4 points ago

Women field a lot of unsolicited and unwanted compliments from strangers on a regular basis.

Call me crazy, but I'd rather have that than no compliments ever.

[–]smash360 118 points119 points ago

The key to checking out girls: be gay.

[–]red321red321 105 points106 points ago

or be attractive

[–]Lucas12 83 points84 points ago

And don't be unattractive

[–]Mrs_Mojo_Rising 19 points20 points ago

it also helps to cover you body with $100 dollar bills

[–]bigsz 39 points40 points ago

So we should aim for exactly this?

[–]CranberryBogMonster 6 points7 points ago

Well those are diamonds, but people tend to find those appealing too, so close enough.

[–]geordilaforge 13 points14 points ago

FA-BU-LOUS!

[–]Earlier_this_week 1 point2 points ago

Mmm hmm

[–]futurelibrarian 42 points43 points ago

You think you look like a gay man not checking a girl out?

[–]Zack_and_Screech 24 points25 points ago

This man has seen the video!

[–]BallsackTBaghard 4 points5 points ago

what video?

[–]N0V0w3ls 30 points31 points ago

Hey, you've never seen it?

That is crazy.

Here's the youtube

So watch it maybe

[–]BallsackTBaghard 2 points3 points ago

Ok, uhm, thanks.

[–]EyeGifUp 58 points59 points ago

So you look like Chris Bosch?

[–]youdownwithop 112 points113 points ago

[–]drnkrthanjacksparrow 53 points54 points ago

thanks for the original pic

[–]Lettuce_Get_Weird 10 points11 points ago

Yes, now do the Chris Bosh one.

[–]cunt_stamp 18 points19 points ago

Bosh

[–]charlie1337 13 points14 points ago

The Boshtrich

[–]X-Craft 14 points15 points ago

[–]RetroFilthy 2 points3 points ago

*Bosh

FTFY

[–]grandpoobaa 8 points9 points ago

I feel like a lot of men look like Mr. Bean when they check out women.

[–]DarkShoki 6 points7 points ago

My biggest problem is the lip quiver. If I could just control that damn bottom lip, it wouldn't be such an issue. But alas, my eyes become hardened, a thick layer of sweat forms on my brow and upper lip, my nostrils flare out, my breathing turns in to panting, my fists clench, my head tilts down as my eyes roll up, and my lower lip just shakes up and down, exposing all of my longing...

I'm sorry what were we talking about again?

[–]Bonemasher 14 points15 points ago

WTF is this

[–]timsau 7 points8 points ago

Scene from Face/Off.

[–]Bendzbrah 6 points7 points ago

OC

[–]oh_well_ok 1 point2 points ago

[–]kramzag 7 points8 points ago

That's the guy from the "Call Me Maybe" music video. Wish I didn't know that.

[–]BitLooter 0 points1 point ago

It's not so bad. Well, the last 10 seconds, at least.

[–]no-game 10 points11 points ago

Emu. Emus are from Australia. STRAYA CUNT.

[–]annelisemonte 3 points4 points ago

OI MATE DON'T YA TRY TO COPY US YOU... yeah I lost it. I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out of the country yet for my lack of Australianess.

[–]Not_a_bot_bot 1 point2 points ago

'At was a pretty good go at it mate!

[–]DizzyMarkFace 9 points10 points ago

[–]Shavetheweasel 11 points12 points ago

False. There is no booger hanging out of the ostrich's nose

[–]mustachemeow 14 points15 points ago

Heyyy, I just met you...and I'm an ostrich...

[–]mountainfreshh 4 points5 points ago

So here's a feather..

[–]epicmanoffleshandpoo 11 points12 points ago

Flock me maybe?

[–]StepOfDub 17 points18 points ago

I threw a wish in the well

[–]ru552 9 points10 points ago

Don't ask me, I"ll never tell

[–]vivalavidacola 42 points43 points ago

Heeeey! sexy lady!

[–]Ratava 10 points11 points ago

I looked to you as it fell

[–]Shoola 6 points7 points ago

And now you're in my way

[–]Ratava 3 points4 points ago

I'd trade my soul for a wish

[–]Mannequinn 3 points4 points ago

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]budgiesmuggler 12 points13 points ago

But now they're in my face

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]canucklehead13 14 points15 points ago

ripped jeans, foreskin was showin'

[–]canucklehead13 3 points4 points ago

I wasn't looking for this

[–]Bluecheeseur 8 points9 points ago

AND THEN MY BALLS FELL OFF

[–]papilio_glaucus 2 points3 points ago

That is really funny...I feel the same way when I look at photos of myself when I thought I was really rockin' it. ugh.

[–]Agoldenexit 3 points4 points ago

[–]Burrit0supreme 3 points4 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/OOPKp.jpg

This is how I look like when a girl makes eye contact with me

[–]eyereport 2 points3 points ago

Soon.

[–]Whodini 2 points3 points ago

Invest in a quality set of sunglasses. It's like an invisibility cloak for when that quick glance just isn't enough.

[–]allieeewhite 1 point2 points ago

I'm just sitting here at my desk, alone, giggling, really hoping no one walks by.

[–]TMC12 4 points5 points ago

Hahah so true it hurts.

[–]eyereport 3 points4 points ago

Does it though?

[–]Grazsrootz 0 points1 point ago

[–]ibericardo 1 point2 points ago

Well at least we try.

[–]izumo 0 points1 point ago

Pure Genius

[–]Moonraker09 1 point2 points ago

here's my number !

[–]iliasasdf 0 points1 point ago

Ugly?

[–]FriendThrw 1 point2 points ago

Be bop bop ba da bo!

[–]zeethreepio 1 point2 points ago

At least the ostrich doesn't have a Miley Cyrus tattoo.

[–]Rapeify -1 points0 points ago

The username makes it 10x funnier.

[–]J4B3 -1 points0 points ago

So you think you look creepy and you actually look horrifying. Got it.

[–]SerenadeOfWater 0 points1 point ago

Birds are simply dinosaurs. This picture is all the evidence I need.

[–]abillionquestions 1 point2 points ago

That ostrich needs to have a caption saying "nice tits". That would be terrifying.

[–]koshercowboy 0 points1 point ago

I just busted out laughing and peanuts fell from my mouth in this not so crowded bar. Had to explain myself. Rippled reactions around.

[–]hellahello 0 points1 point ago

This is perfect.

[–]Amber_Millah 0 points1 point ago

I woke up in a great mood...this just enhanced it, thank you!!!

[–]cabbageParadise 0 points1 point ago

Same for me, only opposite.

[–]spootypuff 0 points1 point ago

i first read this as "How I actually Cook", and was perplexed at why you cooked under the hood of a car.

[–]CidO807 0 points1 point ago

You're an animorph?

[–]siqniz 0 points1 point ago

Ouch, My pride

[–]inexcess 0 points1 point ago

A lot of girls must like birds

[–]Megogalamdraga 0 points1 point ago

what's that watermark you're hiding there?

[–]em22new 0 points1 point ago

Why is it last week already?

[–]Zse220 0 points1 point ago

Upvoted for username "JohnTheScatman"

[–]upvotes__everything 0 points1 point ago

I'm a big believer in winking. Gets a laugh, at least.

[–]darthbone 0 points1 point ago

You think you look like a gay guy?

[–]twoforme_noneforyou 0 points1 point ago

Call me maybe!

[–]Ardal 0 points1 point ago

Neither is particularly attractive but I'd go with the ostrich at a push.

[–]ZombieMolester 0 points1 point ago

The bird thingy cracks me up! :D

[–]Heltmaxad 0 points1 point ago

Can someone PLEASEEEE help me find a picture of that ostrich without the guy in it and good quality, I want it as my profile pic

[–]twinkelman 0 points1 point ago

Well... thanks for making me burst out laughing in my lecture hall.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

I... I have seen this many times before... When I still looked at Cheezburger...

Not complaining though, it's good and lots of people haven't seen it before.

[–]Falxman 0 points1 point ago

Is that Dee Reynolds?

[–]Landoperk -1 points0 points ago

I don't get it.

[–]TruthSon 0 points1 point ago

[–]4ndrew 0 points1 point ago

The funny thing is that Holden Nowell is playing a gay character in this video.

So when you check out girls you think you look gay, but you look like an emu instead. I feel sorry for ya ;)

[–]pgoetz 0 points1 point ago

Laughing out loud: it's a good thing.

[–]derpandderpette 1 point2 points ago

Fun fact for the day: Guy in picture one is the male actor in the Call Me Maybe video Fun fact #2: we have never met, but we are distantly related (my dad's cousin's son)

[–]zenny2972 0 points1 point ago

lol this is made even better imagining how Emu's breath when they're stressed out

[–]skarbar 0 points1 point ago

They invented something for this...alcohol. Get blasted, play the numbers.

[–]bax101 0 points1 point ago

I feel the same way. Hahaha at least I can laugh about it.

[–]SirGoofsALott 0 points1 point ago

My apologies for the confusion. My friend (we know him as Scatypoo), inadvertently switched the pictures. He's really a good guy who perhaps thinks a bit too highly of himself.

[–]agent567 0 points1 point ago

ha, i have that same car. did i say car ? i meant fence

[–]yovman 1 point2 points ago

I laughed way too hard at this

[–]Aladao 0 points1 point ago

Checking out girls is never smooth

[–]Browncracker79 0 points1 point ago

Yep. That's about right.

[–]kypronite 0 points1 point ago

nah, that was nothing compared to this guy

[–]brambooo 0 points1 point ago

[–]HornyYogaMaster 0 points1 point ago

Put it in /r/ExpectationVsReality I've looked at these posts for 3 fucking years before that subreddit was made. That shit is cancer.

[–]10aciousTed 0 points1 point ago

That's funny. I saw this a couple of weeks ago. Or is it just now getting big

[–]skinturtle 0 points1 point ago

lol!

[–]dong_el_magnifico 0 points1 point ago

I've been told I actually look good. It goes to hell when I open my mouth and words come out.

[–]Bobatown 0 points1 point ago

This made my morning thanks alot man!

[–]Darkolyte 0 points1 point ago

A bird of prey would be more accurate.

[–]Chaotic-Genes 0 points1 point ago

Man, that ostrich is ugly

ಠ_ಠ

It's an emu.

[–]malcolm816 0 points1 point ago

I think I speak for all the die-hard Carly Ray Jepsen purists on Reddit when I remind OP that the guy in that video turns out to be gay.

[–]arbuge00 0 points1 point ago

Diagnosis: either (1) low self esteem or (2) very smart bird.