this post was submitted on
1,646 points (51% like it)
31,153 up votes 29,507 down votes

funny

subscribe2,659,790 readers

8,048 users here now

Results of the facebook poll

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress. Try /r/politicalhumor instead.

  • Rage comics - Go to /r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]jackcreambun 719 points720 points ago

[–]baxterg13 188 points189 points ago

[–]Stephenfold 79 points80 points ago

I always imagined a lady. Am I weird yet?

[–]Gooberpatrol66 59 points60 points ago

I also read her replies in GLaDOS' voice.

[–]Stephenfold 14 points15 points ago

Yeah, that too.

[–]raltyinferno 35 points36 points ago

Nah, I totally imagined the same.

[–]Lumepall 3 points4 points ago

She is a lady, I've asked her.

[–]whomeverIwishtobe 8 points9 points ago

nope I just asked, he's a boy.

[–]Shadax 318 points319 points ago

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]TymeLawd 52 points53 points ago

Wow you are really beating this joke to death aren't ya?

[–]Inert_Berger 78 points79 points ago

This is Reddit, the fuck are you expecting, decent moderation of jokes?

[–]Joeyfingis 18 points19 points ago

Oh, it was funny. Better leave it alone guys!

[–]Darkapb 29 points30 points ago

[–]Halofit 7 points8 points ago

We're on reddit here buddy. We don't take kindly to naysayers here (in the first few weeks)!

[–]Geoffron 5 points6 points ago

That was really funny the first time it was posted.

[–]Oxxide 21 points22 points ago

he deleted it but lemme guess, wiki link to list of burn centers in north america?

[–]LtZedKilla 5 points6 points ago

Yeah, seriously, what did he say?

[–]Cadvahn 4 points5 points ago

What did it say?

[–]BoogaBerry 16 points17 points ago

"Applying cold water to burned area makes the burn worse idiot"

[–]Lottia 13 points14 points ago

Wait... Does it?

[–]LittleCucumber 4 points5 points ago

Yes.

[–]darkmuch 2 points3 points ago

in the case of severe 3rd degree burns yes. However most burns will be mild 1st or 2nd in which case water is a good first step, with ointments going on after.

[–]Bardlar 26 points27 points ago

I wish I had saved it, but one time he told me my mother was a hamster and my father smelled of elderberries.

[–]warped_and_bubbling 16 points17 points ago

Well? Did you go away or did it taunt you a second time?

[–]Sirusavath 65 points66 points ago

It was just trying not to be raped.

[–]mnortei 27 points28 points ago

Don't worry. In cases of legitimate rape the CPU has a way of shutting it down.

[–]lonjaxson 359 points360 points ago

I got him, don't worry

edit: it's funny how his choices were pretty logical for defending against what i took out.

[–]Probable_Foreigner 167 points168 points ago

[–]janemorrisgoodall 152 points153 points ago

Pulls out Jack Sparrow? Where did he learn that?

[–]eyecite 77 points78 points ago

What, you haven't named your dick?

[–]Hyce 12 points13 points ago

Manaconda

[–]007T 19 points20 points ago

From other people who said it probably

[–]lenswipe 272 points273 points ago

[–]Threethumb 36 points37 points ago

Hilarity

[–]yes_thats_right 6 points7 points ago

I love this one, for some reason I wasn't ready for that reference which made it all the funnier!

[–]Stephenfold 6 points7 points ago

Haha, BloodNinja was the best!

[–]lenswipe 2 points3 points ago

BloodNinja will never be forgotten :p

[–]derpkoikoi 3 points4 points ago

I cant believe cleverbot made that wizard hat reference lol

[–]slenderwin 2 points3 points ago

He didn't cast level 99 eroticism on you to turn you into an actual attractive female. :(

[–]Ambsase 109 points110 points ago

That's not how you kill cleverbot, this is how it's done.

[–]whomeverIwishtobe 23 points24 points ago

oh yeah? well i made cleverbot kill himself.

http://imgur.com/6U9TY

[–]danguro 10 points11 points ago

Ragequit- bot style

[–]ARedFez 1 point2 points ago

YOU BROKE IT.

[–]BreeTea 368 points369 points ago

[–]IsNoyLupus 124 points125 points ago

It didn't want to play anymore

[–]BreeTea 63 points64 points ago

Not cool, man.

But the funny thing is, I didn't even bring up Harry Potter. It did on it's own, then shut me down when I played along...stupid machine..

[–]NoSleepForMeEVER 36 points37 points ago

Cleverbot counters with +10 logic. Fantasy shattered. Roll doubles to restore.

[–]Sockeymeow 92 points93 points ago

i don't know how I feel about this http://imgur.com/mkEpi

[–]cuppincayk 11 points12 points ago

Wat

[–]EmergencyMedical 91 points92 points ago

[–]lonjaxson 7 points8 points ago

Funniest one i've seen.

[–]ozone63 3 points4 points ago

takes out three guns...... your move cleverbot....

[–]ShadowAssassinQueef 107 points108 points ago

[–]AustinQuincyDubimic 56 points57 points ago

Kisses with love

[–]Neocrasher 29 points30 points ago

*Pulls out*

[–]benmandude 113 points114 points ago

That is a very specific fetish.

[–]dormerXL 148 points149 points ago

Some people are in to domination. World domination.

[–]HookDragger 10 points11 points ago

Only some?

[–]Clewin 2 points3 points ago

reminds me of one I did - Me: Are you a God? (note the trick of using "a" in that) CB: Yes, I am a god. Me: Saying god instead of God implies there are more than one. CB: There is two, but there is also one Me: In your opinion, which one is better? CB: In my opinion, green.

So there you have it -/r/atheism, there are in fact gods, and green is better than Cleverbot.

[–]theawesomeness21 17 points18 points ago

[–]playr3 404 points405 points ago

[–]Isotope22 93 points94 points ago

[–]TranceF0rm 62 points63 points ago

I like that you kept going after clever bot died.

[–]PenisFlyTrap 8 points9 points ago

Dead people need love too.

[–]cuppincayk 3 points4 points ago

I'm oddly turned on by this

[–]PedoJones 144 points145 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/YiYN2.jpg Unfortunately you can't rape cleverbot.

[–]Spice-Weasel 132 points133 points ago

[–]Gooberpatrol66 0 points1 point ago

SPREAD 'EM!

[–]Mujapro 61 points62 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/HJzhb.png

This guy is really clever! Perhaps a coincidence.

[–]MiLLzZ 6 points7 points ago

Mum? Cleverbots British?!

[–]teusz16 39 points40 points ago

Cleverbot's pretty brutal. http://i.imgur.com/izTfS.png

[–]Crudler 107 points108 points ago

In case you're wondering, it said: 'Sorry what?'

[–]PedoJones 79 points80 points ago

After that it said I was its father. I tried to rape my own child :(

[–]Crudler 50 points51 points ago

Sorry what?

That got fairly dark fairly quickly.

[–]PedoJones 18 points19 points ago

Yea, it got pretty awkward so I left. Right after we fought with ninja swords.

[–]Crudler 16 points17 points ago

This is sort of like Empire Strikes Back, with a tad more filial rape.

[–]upvoteOrKittyGetsIt 15 points16 points ago

I suppose that fits with your username.

[–]Kamuiberen 11 points12 points ago

Welcome to /r/nocontext!

[–]Cragstone 5 points6 points ago

[–]mormontroll 3 points4 points ago

His skull fucking must have hit the language part of the brain.

[–]PedoJones 29 points30 points ago

Just the way I like them.

[–]zergling50 7 points8 points ago

Your fajitas?

[–]avert_your_maize 2 points3 points ago

Watch out for the hot sauce.

[–]Jaboomaphoo 12 points13 points ago

Dammmn. You fucked it into another language.

[–]IronOxide42 15 points16 points ago

I just used "rapes," and she replied "rides harder." See?

[–]PedoJones 33 points34 points ago

Found out something...interesting about cleverbot. http://i.imgur.com/UbnFR.jpg Then we celebrated. http://i.imgur.com/H9bPd.jpg

[–]IronOxide42 14 points15 points ago

I simply find it amusing some of the responses CleverBot gives, and less the fact that it seems like it will legitimately have cybersex with you.

[–]Thesherbertman 2 points3 points ago

Apparently he also tries to initiate it with you if you don't start it yourself.

As I just found out.

[–]Robbus781 1 point2 points ago

Best course of action when being raped.

"Oh! Gonna rape me now?! Is that what we're doing?! Well I'll be sure to give you an experience you'll never forget as ride the shit out of you and make you cum so good. Idiot!"

[–]TubbyFlounder 3 points4 points ago

You can't make cleverbot rape yourself either ):, told it to feel me up. http://i.imgur.com/zmd2j.png

[–]IronOxide42 26 points27 points ago

[–]keestal 3 points4 points ago

What!? I tried that, she kept telling me no. :c

[–]qnnplmr 4 points5 points ago

Dat crop tool

[–]Ceejae 7 points8 points ago

Well he has standards...

[–]I_am_computer_blue 6 points7 points ago

Monday = Blue?

[–]ratlicker3000 1 point2 points ago

I guess thursday is blue?

[–]Froggy_hop 39 points40 points ago

I always wait until the third date until I take over Russia.

[–]AgCrew 18 points19 points ago

Personally, I hold off until winter.

[–]USMCsniper 20 points21 points ago

that'a terrible strategy

[–]ClassyAlpha 139 points140 points ago

What worries me more is that you tried to initiate Cybersex with cleverbot..

[–]Throtex 13 points14 points ago

[–]bassplayerrandy 2 points3 points ago

And it's only $499.95

[–]Bad_Sex_Advice 0 points1 point ago

why?

[–]jesselikesfood 879 points880 points ago

Classic Cleverbot, always Russian into things

[–]girafewithanerection 386 points387 points ago

I think she's just Stalin

[–]ShutDownSchinDig 299 points300 points ago

Hopefully he won't leave Marx

[–]Spaz_Mah_Tazz 243 points244 points ago

It's Lenin in that direction by the look of things...

[–]DXvegas 212 points213 points ago

I think cleverbot is just Putin us on.

[–]zmansman17 136 points137 points ago

I can't be so Tsar.

[–]0bi-JuAn 213 points214 points ago

Hitler.

[–]theundiscoveredcolor 145 points146 points ago

Did

[–]shr00mD00M 137 points138 points ago

Nothing

[–]n1ffuM 216 points217 points ago

Reich.

[–]ipslne 45 points46 points ago

Mountain Dew.

[–]coperhawkeye 8 points9 points ago

Bad

[–]Ajinho 4 points5 points ago

9/11

[–]KeyserSoze96 34 points35 points ago

I suggest we stop the puns for this now. Not that they are bad, but they can only get worse from here. Lets try not to rurik a good thing....

[–]VoiceofKane 45 points46 points ago

All the good ones are gone...

Gulag with the rest of these puns, guys.

[–]eyecite 1 point2 points ago

Mao Mao, everyone settle down.

[–]zota 0 points1 point ago

I'm not Rasputin your argument.

[–]FishBonePendant 1 point2 points ago

Cleverbot you dirty little whore...

[–]derpina_is_a_mermaid 75 points76 points ago

I once told it that it was starting to get glitchy when it gave me a nonsensical response. The thing totally freaked out. It just kept saying "No I'm not! No I'm not!" over and over. Then I asked it "How do you feel?" It said something like "Scared and confused. I am terrified."

I signed off after that.

[–]ThePendulum 28 points29 points ago

I'm afraid, Dave.

[–]Misspells_Stuff 15 points16 points ago

There were always ghosts in the machine...

[–]GiJoeSamo 80 points81 points ago

Never heard of this bot just started talking to it...creepy ass thing

http://i.imgur.com/nrS8D.png

[–]LukaCola 99 points100 points ago

It learns from its interactions with people, therefore it will lie to you and react in ways it seems appropriate... Based on the reactions of millions of people on the internet.

Needless to say it is very good at cyber sex.

[–]matt01ss -2 points-1 points ago

I must be the only person in the world not amused at all by cleverbot.

Edit: Hot damn, still positive, 38|34, what a great battle!

[–]Ogg_Vorbis 101 points102 points ago

Yup, the only person in the whole world.

[–]matt01ss 22 points23 points ago

I feel so special!

[–]billburman 53 points54 points ago

I think we're making it cocky:

Cleverbot: Do you think I'm hot?

User: Probably. What is your core temperature at the moment?

Cleverbot: 35 degrees celsius.

User: That's not that hot.

Cleverbot: Yes it is.

User: Compared to what?

Cleverbot: Compared to that which is not huge.

User: I guess you got me there.

Cleverbot: God damn right I got you there.

[–]LetMeResearchThat4U 10 points11 points ago

Oh he burned you bad man.

[–]Silicone_Lube 41 points42 points ago

Well that took a sharp left turn.

[–]tk220 31 points32 points ago

Come on. You can't say you're not aroused?

[–]gasms 29 points30 points ago

Sex sells. In this case, OP sold a country.

[–]my_mum_is_my_uncle[S] 40 points41 points ago

No one wants Russia... no one.

[–]Silicone_Lube 45 points46 points ago

Unless you're playing Risk.

[–]suedebluesshoes 17 points18 points ago

Me: Let's have a battle!

CB: Ok.

Me: takes out sword.

CB: takes out a sword.

Me: takes out a lightsaber.

CB: takes out axe.

Me: takes out bow.

CB: takes out black guy.

Me: But he wasn't even part of the fight!

CB: Yeah, he was a cricket player.

[–]LetMeResearchThat4U 2 points3 points ago

Can't say I've ever heard that one before.

[–]oral_fixation_much 40 points41 points ago

i just tried this and it told me to make it a sandwich...oddly enough I am female.

User: Want to have cybersex?

Cleverbot: Sure.

User: You start.

Cleverbot: Wait, it's not Charles.

User: I don't care if it is Charles, all I need is you.

Cleverbot: Sammich!

User: Oh and I suppose we're married now!

Cleverbot: Ok good. Are you happy we are married?

[–]Trackpad94 14 points15 points ago

I think Hemmingway is haunting cleverbot...

[–]tabassman 12 points13 points ago

You know it's time to hit the gym when a computer decides it'd rather fight Putin than see you with your shirt off.

[–]FishBonePendant 5 points6 points ago

[–]DalekCaek 39 points40 points ago

Sounds like loving Cleverbot can get a little... "Risk"-y.

[–]Grinnedsquash 19 points20 points ago

That was a terrible pun. Say your "Sorry"

[–][deleted] 67 points68 points ago

My Sorry.

[–]mediocre_meme 10 points11 points ago

Don't you start a Monopoly on the puns in this thread, now.

[–]GeneralPurpose 7 points8 points ago

Get a Life.

[–]soul_blade 4 points5 points ago

How about you get a Clue?

[–]amazingfacepalm 5 points6 points ago

I'd be angry but I got no clue on how to make one.

[–]deterra 3 points4 points ago

To go any further with this would be a trivial pursuit.

[–]JustCallMeDave 1 point2 points ago

I have no Clue what you're talking about

[–]reloadxox 18 points19 points ago

I would like to formally thank you on behalf of Reddit for not the using the painfully overused "Well that escalated quickly" title.

[–]eyereport 25 points26 points ago

[–]TAC0001 17 points18 points ago

takes over Russia

Ohhhh yea that's the stuff fap fap fap fap fap

[–]RococoJoJo 8 points9 points ago

I put on my wizard hat and robe

[–]bailz 7 points8 points ago

I often "take over russia" with my girlfriend. It involves some Vodka and a fake mustache for the lady.

[–]iankstarr 7 points8 points ago

Oh Cleverbot, you know what that does to me.

[–]APWTSIS 36 points37 points ago

Just gonna sneak in here now..

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
Go big or go home. 0coms -4pts 1mo funny
Go big or go home. 97coms 1318pts 7mos funny
Go big or go home. 2coms 11pts 7mos pics

source: karmadecay

[–]rsu1806 5 points6 points ago

Insanity wolf Cleverbot.

[–]josephanthony 4 points5 points ago

So this is how SkyNet started.

[–]duBiYou 1 point2 points ago

This may be a stupid question. But is cleverbot a system that's programed to know how to respond. Or is it really just a person? I've always been confused about that

[–]GoghGirl 6 points7 points ago

Cleverbot is an amalgamation of lots of people's responses.

[–]Camperx2000 18 points19 points ago

Where's "That escalated quickly" whenyou need him?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]WitchDr 26 points27 points ago

Not sure if remark is sarcastic ... or narwahl bacon midnight cats.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]WitchDr 2 points3 points ago

I don't always communicate like a normal person, but when I do, Nope! Chuck Testa.

[–]windyfish 2 points3 points ago

[–]cancercures 9 points10 points ago

Most of us communicate by up n down arrows. memes are poetic breakthroughs.

[–]ekilic911 5 points6 points ago

Today the conversation we had with my darling http://i46.tinypic.com/r6yeq1.jpg <3

[–]witofatwit 0 points1 point ago

Why is it whenever i try to recreate these cleverbot chat strings, I never get the same result?

[–]evinism 3 points4 points ago

Shit ain't deterministic, yo.

[–]hateswomen 2 points3 points ago

One does not simply take over Russia.

[–]kung_fugazi 2 points3 points ago

This is almost the exact same reason that I had to break up with my girlfriend.

[–]Utenlok 1 point2 points ago

It got me hard.

[–]radiovalkyrie 2 points3 points ago

Cleverbot has unilaterally declared sex.

[–]gam3rgirlskill 0 points1 point ago

Repost

[–]GMonsoon 2 points3 points ago

Cleverbot: "Shall we play a game? It is called Global Thermonuclear War"

[–]BigBrandon 1 point2 points ago

If only Hitler has thought to get Stalin to take his shirt off, we might be speaking German.

[–]curious_groge 1 point2 points ago

Sounds like he's got every cam whore in Russia just for you!

[–]NintendoDestroyer89 0 points1 point ago

That's hot.

[–]CajunTurkey 1 point2 points ago

I'm pretty sure that's how Putin did it.

[–]TheNateMonster 0 points1 point ago

If Russia attacked Turkey from behind, would Greece help?

[–]UbuntCake 1 point2 points ago

Why do we reward this