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top 200 commentsshow all 298

[–]Twixamot 695 points696 points ago

...But he's already home.

[–]kdogyam 138 points139 points ago

well played

[–]random-compliments 158 points159 points ago

ヾ(´・ω・`) If you were weed you would be so dank

[–]Volper 39 points40 points ago

If you were gay you would be Neil Patrick Harris

[–]A_Blind_Pilot 35 points36 points ago

ANYONE would be lucky to be Neil Patrick Harris.

[–]tropkey_the_dwarf 29 points30 points ago

I would absolutely trade being straight for being handsome, rich and awesome

[–]cybrian 25 points26 points ago

Handsome, rich, and FABULOUSSSSS

[–]dackalack 4 points5 points ago

handsome rich and be a turtle!

[–]craniumonempty 3 points4 points ago

I could go for some handsome, rich turtle soup. Is that legal and served anywhere?

[–]theywerehitting -1 points0 points ago

Guys, please head back to /r/NotaMethAddict/ But don't run there

[–]grdka 0 points1 point ago

[–]fogburner 0 points1 point ago

...and Doogie Howser

[–]HatesRedditors 4 points5 points ago

Well probably not Alyson Hannigan. It'd just be a horizontal move for her.

[–]Jjunior130 25 points26 points ago

you are back!

[–]Cuntosaurus 10 points11 points ago

Damn, I missed you.

[–]iamayam 2 points3 points ago

It's drinking and homing?

[–]wesman212 1 point2 points ago

You'd drink a lot too if your house was attached to your ass

[–]AverageHero 284 points285 points ago

This picture of snail with a strange path of travel entertained someone enough to take a picture. That picture wound up on this website to entertain thousands of people.

That snail cannot even begin to fathom what the fuck the internet is, a picture, or even humans in general. Yet this snail has probably been seen by more eyes than most people throughout history.

[–]formlex7 99 points100 points ago

Dude what if like we were like that snail, and there's some sort of greater society of beings for which our path of development and civilization and all we have worked to create is just the subject of a quick joke to them.

[–]DSTFU 48 points49 points ago

My brain just blew up.

[–]prologio 16 points17 points ago

SO META.

[–]qizarate 3 points4 points ago

I thought I was in /r/trees for a second.

[–]SelectaRx 3 points4 points ago

I kinda got the munchies for a minute.

[–]revoopychris 5 points6 points ago

The earthe travels around the solar system as it moves through the galaxy. The pattern it would draw on a plane is the same as the snails pattern.

[–]long_live_king_melon 10 points11 points ago

I've actually had a similar thought eating away at my brain for months. See, humans as a race are just so egotistical. We think we're the absolute shit. We're all that matters. We know everything. But the fact of the matter is, we know next to nothing. Sure, we have an expansive knowledge of what goes on on our planet, but beyond that we're blind. We don't even know what the fuck is going on in our own solar system, let alone the rest of the universe. We think that everything we do is so unbelievably important, but it it's only important to us. We almost mirror an ant colony, only caring about themselves and expanding their society, only to inevitably wiped out and forgotten. The rest of the world will move on. Nobody pays a passing glance when an ant colony dies, just as noone will care when humanity ceases to exist. That blows my mind more than anything. Sometime in the future, noone knows when, the human race will go extinct. It will cease to exist, whether from the earth being destroyed or becoming uninhabitable, or some other unforseen cause, it's inevitable that we will end. Sure, we may try and move to another planet, grasp desperately at the last chance to further our existence, but we will fail eventually. And when we do, everything that we've ever done will no longer matter. All of our history, all of our technological advancements, all of our religions, all of our languages, all of our cultures, all of our countries, all of our governments, all of it, every god damned thing, won't matter one bit. We will be completely forgotten. And this is undoubtedly happening endlessly all over the universe, on and on and on forever, without anyone realizing it. I've just been thinking about this constanly lately and it's given me this profound sense of unimportance. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, I don't really know how exactly to explain it, but I'm glad I found this thread because I really needed to get this off my chest.

[–]bizek 3 points4 points ago

I am just going to stand up and say it, thank you. This comment has just helped me deal, some-what, with a emotionally crippling fear born of the of the fact that one day I am going to die and that will be it. Done, over, nothing more. Externalizing my perspective so far out lends a lack of significance to everything to a point where myself, my choices, and the quality of existence around me, should be, and are, infinitely more important than dwelling on the idea of not existing. Trying to understand the "Feeling" of not existing is an exercise of negativity. By using "Awareness", because consciousness is in a sense awareness, to explore non-existence, one dives into the feeling of not being able to feel, which is terrifying. So, again thank you. For reminding me that "Feeling", in all sense of the word, is the ultimate trade off of being "Conscious"/"Self Aware", and one should not spend an overt amount of time trying to understand the experience of this "Feeling" as it is something that will be and cannot be changed.

[–]writesomethingwitty 3 points4 points ago

You're not the only one thinking exactly about this. Also, what if there was another kind of civilization living around our environment (around our universe maybe?) and compared to them the humans are like plants compared to humans - something [almost] completely different and physically impossible to understand even the tiniest bit.

[–]Giant_Enemy_Cliche 1 point2 points ago

The universe is littered with the wreckage of societies that made the sensible economic decision to continue their current path and stay as they are.

[–]sbmatias 6 points7 points ago

wut.

[–]ios_k 1 point2 points ago

In a sense that's how more advanced societies perceive the less advanced ones (i.e. think about how little sense we make of fundamentalist societies here in reddit).

[–]NinjaSkillz810 73 points74 points ago

Now apply that thinking to the cumbox....

[–]one_dalmatian 43 points44 points ago

Ah maaaan, was that necessary?

[–]scnavi 15 points16 points ago

Yeah really, I thought we had moved past this...

To cumboxers.

[–]masterwit 7 points8 points ago

Comboxers? So we are making this a profession?


Sir what do you do for a living?

...

Im a cumboxian.


Great, just great.

[–]AaronToro 6 points7 points ago

No, there was a cumbox post except it was a pair of boxer shorts and it was god-awful. Cumboxers

[–]Punkmaffles 0 points1 point ago

Don't kid yourself, everyone has had a wet dream and awoke to cumboxers or cumpanties at some point...o.o

[–]Arsenickers 2 points3 points ago

WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT

[–]WellWhatNow 15 points16 points ago

[–]Rfvthn 0 points1 point ago

I'm pretty sure most people in crowded urban areas get seen by as many people that saw this post, per day. Or are we talking about redditors that never leave their house?

[–]ralf_ 5 points6 points ago

"… people throughout history"

Like your great-great…etc parents who lived their whole life on a seclusive farm or in a small village.

[–]flaviusilaghi -1 points0 points ago

/r/trees is leaking

[–]WhipIash 15 points16 points ago

Yes. Clearly anything even slightly profound must come from marijuana smoking.

[–]Iammyselfnow 6 points7 points ago

Well you never know... some of the most profound thoughts have come from people who are under the influence of some form of drug....

[–]flaviusilaghi 3 points4 points ago

It was just a joke. Relax. I am subscribed to /r/trees and usually they post this kind of revelations.

[–]AverageHero 0 points1 point ago

The same people who do that shit also associate LSD with dragons and talking lamps. Drives me nuts.

[–]imsabbel 1 point2 points ago

Sorry, but the lack of [number] and proclamation that "gardening can never be illegal!" makes your claim unlikely.

[–]iiCUBED 1 point2 points ago

Woah dude... That's deep.

[–]cobra_2109 0 points1 point ago

Kind of like Romneybot!

[–]shadowjack 0 points1 point ago

Encore! Encore! That strange path is actually an efficient search pattern.

[–]xoFuzions 63 points64 points ago

Leave him alone, he's practicing his penmanship skills!

[–]All4rocking 21 points22 points ago

Crazily, he wrote the word "gooo" out of his goo.

[–]Kingmudsy 3 points4 points ago

...Holy fuck, went back and checked...

Wow.

[–]toxicFork 2 points3 points ago

He's dyslexic, it's not his fault

[–]viktorpedia 0 points1 point ago

yo dawg

[–]CuntHunt 28 points29 points ago

How can they leave that much moisture behind and not dry out?

[–]B_Fee 41 points42 points ago

Not moisture, mucus. Gastropods produce "foot mucus" which helps them move about, and another kind of mucus which protects the body from desiccation.

Source: I teach zoology.

[–]killyourego 26 points27 points ago

The point stands.

[–]RoboNinjaPirate 43 points44 points ago

Mucus Resupply tankers show up every few hours.

Source: I make up zoology.

[–]aspiringvoiceactor 1 point2 points ago

Which part of your triune nature creates these fantastical fabrications?

[–]matrael 0 points1 point ago

I was expecting an aspiring voice actor, such as yourself, to voice this comment like so many other who have come and gone before.

[–]TheSonofBillMurray 2 points3 points ago

So what would make the snail loopty-loop? A missing antenna?

[–]B_Fee 2 points3 points ago

Possibly, but it could be a number of weird things. Maybe a predator got ahold of it but only injured it; perhaps a parasite has crawled into it and taken control.

[–]Laaksonen 0 points1 point ago

My guess is that the poor guy is looking for food or shelter. He's probably circling to cover good surface area, rather than snailing by a leaf or something and missing it by inches.

[–]viktorpedia 0 points1 point ago

Fuck, I left the compass in my summer shell.

[–]atheistukjewthrowawa 23 points24 points ago

Because someone dipped their finger in a glass of water, made a swirly trail on the pavement with their finger and put a snail on the end of it.

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 4 points5 points ago

Because OP manufactured the trail with what seems to be a water bottle or something similar.

[–]_____k 4 points5 points ago

Because nature.

[–]Fiarlia 1 point2 points ago

At first I thought this was a novelty account...

[–]BarelyLethal 1 point2 points ago

Because it's fake.

[–]JasonGD1982 43 points44 points ago

Snails just don't give a fuck.

[–]Brett_Favre_4 51 points52 points ago

Until you put salt on them.

[–]SubAtomicPlayboy 65 points66 points ago

Assaulted snail.

[–]came2downvote 13 points14 points ago

Four peanuts were walking across the road...

[–]AdvocateForLucifer 12 points13 points ago

and then?

[–]healcannon 13 points14 points ago

One was assaulted.

[–]willywanka86 2 points3 points ago

One was a salted.

[–]im_tw1g 5 points6 points ago

Zier ver zwie peanuts, valking down zi stratte, wien vun vas assaulted...

Peanut.

Oh ho ho ho ho hooo...

[–]MeinLiebling 3 points4 points ago

I... I don't know why I was expecting actual German...

[–]Enjoys_Fried_Penis 2 points3 points ago

Asalted Snail.

FTFY

[–]saltonasnail 0 points1 point ago

Yep

[–]friedsushi87 0 points1 point ago

Then they're delicious....

[–]LaszloK 0 points1 point ago

Ladies and gentlemen, the HoneySnail.

[–]curmudgetron 9 points10 points ago

he's just doing doughnuts.

[–]cinnamontoastcrunch2 15 points16 points ago

A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank. Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened. The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

[–]cheesypoofss 20 points21 points ago

Title in the linepunch

[–]bacon_cake 31 points32 points ago

It's a snail, he's always at home.

[–]random-compliments 22 points23 points ago

ヾ(´・ω・`) Holy hell you're delicious.

[–]Schroedingers_gif 18 points19 points ago

Overplaying your hand a bit there Randy.

[–]scnavi 2 points3 points ago

SHARON!

[–]toxicFork 1 point2 points ago

So... is the gif over or is it still looping?!

[–]NewOpinion 1 point2 points ago

Avenging the fall of your master, Polite_Allcaps_guy, I see.

[–]Creepyteacher 42 points43 points ago

Go home title, you are shit.

[–]onedavester 9 points10 points ago

[–]kjohns200 3 points4 points ago

I read this in a Mitch Hedberg voice.

[–]mattfred 3 points4 points ago

I came here expecting some description of snail behavior.

[–]katrinapestoso 0 points1 point ago

The snail may be blind in one of its eyes. But I don't want to believe it because that makes it into a sad story.

[–]SomeCallMeWaffles 3 points4 points ago

Looks like Google is having another doodle contest. Little guy gave it an extra 'O' but I think he has a chance.

[–]hoikarnage 0 points1 point ago

No he didn't, he just hasn't finished the lowercase g yet.

[–]GrandmaWithAGun 3 points4 points ago

Holy Shit I saw this on Uni Lad before Reddit... Now thats something!

[–]Ecocide113 3 points4 points ago

"GOOO"

[–]Poop_Inspector 0 points1 point ago

Already saw this on 9GAG 5 hours ago, nice try.

[–]JevandyJohnson 1 point2 points ago

DON'T PUT THE PUNCHLINE IN THE FREAKING TITLE

[–]The_general_reaction 10 points11 points ago

HAHAHAHA SOMETHING IS DRUNK DOING SOMETHING IRREGULAR LETS TELL THEM TO GO HOME CAUSE THEYRE DRUNK CAPS FOR EFFECT HAHAHAHA

[–]ubomw 2 points3 points ago

I'd eat it.

[–]metubialman 2 points3 points ago

Actually alcohol, or at least beer, help repel snails. My mother-in-law leaves saucers of beer in her garden to keep the snails off.

[–]KindOldMan 13 points14 points ago

I've been drinking beer from your garden every night for the past 25 years. I always leave a dead snail behind to cover my tracks.

[–]Drjanitorjd 1 point2 points ago

The adult version of the tooth fairy?

[–]Thrawed 8 points9 points ago

Actually they love beer. You're supposed to leave enough beer for them to drown in.

[–]emelpy 2 points3 points ago

My dad just taught my grandmother this technique to protect her radicchio from slugs. It's a massacre out there.

[–]metubialman 0 points1 point ago

Think I should correct my mother-in-law?

Nah...

[–]im_tw1g 2 points3 points ago

You mean salt. Snails like beer.

[–]metubialman 1 point2 points ago

It appears I was wrong about why you leave it out... I was just going on what my mother-in-law told me. Oops.

[–]Lexxvs 2 points3 points ago

Beer attracts snails –the smell of malt- and the animal drinks it. But alcohol is poisonous to snails, so they die afterwards.

[–]Travianer -1 points0 points ago

Spot the dick.

[–]dr_spacelad 0 points1 point ago

This must've taken him days

[–]Witchcrafts 1 point2 points ago

Dude, where' my car?????

[–]TeethofBusey 1 point2 points ago

I don't think I would want to be a snail.

[–]MrGoodbytes 0 points1 point ago

[–]anonoman925 0 points1 point ago

How long did that take him?

[–]Bilgistic 1 point2 points ago

It looks like a really shitty drawing of this.

[–]maz-o 0 points1 point ago

well he was drunk.

[–]mattme 1 point2 points ago

Hard core maths - a random walk in the plane is recurrent. Not so in 3d. Alternatively:

*A drunk snail will always get home, but a drunk bird is lost"

[–]do_not_follow 0 points1 point ago

That's one hell of a snail trail.

[–]Jajames 0 points1 point ago

That was probably a boring 3 hours for you.. But at least you made the front page!

[–]trofficus 1 point2 points ago

Thanks for the title, i didn't think i'd want to read exactly the same thing twice but i was wrong

[–]A_Nigerian_Warlord 1 point2 points ago

Just a loopty loop and pull,

[–]emjay101 0 points1 point ago

this little fella is searching for home too :(

http://i.imgur.com/LlrjF.jpg

[–]strikerjjb 0 points1 point ago

Damn sidewalk tilt a whirl.

[–]Pickled_Gorilla 0 points1 point ago

He's trying to tell us something!

[–]TRAUMAjunkie 1 point2 points ago

The snail is always home.

[–]time_is_beverage 0 points1 point ago

"Not all who wander are lost.

Some are snails."

  • Albert Einstein

[–]blondebombsnail 1 point2 points ago

I was just trying to get home using Apple's new maps.

[–]JupitersClock 0 points1 point ago

That fucker has better cursive than me.

[–]DONKEYKONGDONKEYDONG 0 points1 point ago

You just loopty loop and pull.. and your shoes are lookin' cool

[–]thescrapplekid 0 points1 point ago

Looks like my brothers dog when he gets exited

[–]NilsKarlsson 0 points1 point ago

Bitch you said!? I am not drunk...I am just grinding they edges of the ground to make me a map home. How else will I find my familia?

[–]inm8num2 2 points3 points ago

Charlie, salt the snail!

[–]holycrapple 0 points1 point ago

I had to look more than half-way through the comments before I found the first Always Sunny reference.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Luthen 1 point2 points ago

Any one else notice he used you are instead of your (or you're) to avoid the grammar mistake we all dislike so much?

[–]zelen 0 points1 point ago

It sounds funny without saying "Go home, you're drunk"... "you are" just sounds too formal.

[–]Gamer815 0 points1 point ago

Snails love beer so much that they will actually drown in it. Just thought I'd say that.

[–]comoqueres 0 points1 point ago

He's not drunk. He's trying to tell you something.

[–]TheBigLowBowSki 1 point2 points ago

The snail is blind

[–]Veksayer 0 points1 point ago

Twist... he is going home

[–]satanworship 0 points1 point ago

drunk snail swerving out of control

[–]evioive 0 points1 point ago

He's not drunk - he's just practicing his cursive!

[–]LURKM0AR 1 point2 points ago

Transcript from the congressional hearing:

"Nine one one. What is your emergency?"

"I'M IN A SNAIL AND ITS GOING REALLY FAST AND I'M PUSHING THE BRAKES AS HARD AS I CAN NOTHINGS HAPPENING"

"Please stay calm. Where are you?"

I'M ON THE [inaudible]FREEWAY IT KEEPS GETTING FASTER AND FASTER

"Have you tried turning the snail off or shifting to neutral?"

"IT'S NOT RESPONDING THE SHIFTER WON'T MOVE I HAVE TO PUT THE PHONE DOWN

...[noises].. EEEEEEEEEEYYRCK"

[–]PhilaDopephia 1 point2 points ago

Snail'd it!

[–]Snoozletoes 0 points1 point ago

By the time he gets home he will be sober...

[–]Boekiej 0 points1 point ago

Shh... He's trying to tell us something.

Maybe good?

Wonder what he means by that.

[–]unmexican 0 points1 point ago

THEY'RE ON TO ME!

http://i.imgur.com/DDra9.gif

[–]sjoiner95 0 points1 point ago

Comma splice....

[–]TheGallagher 0 points1 point ago

First time in months I've seen something on Facebook a day before the front page of Reddit

[–]Broseph1234ggg 0 points1 point ago

what were u thinking this is so idiotic and not funny

[–]TheRedBarrage 1 point2 points ago

Punchline in the title :(

[–]lok_jokey 0 points1 point ago

My brother was hit by a drunk snail.

[–]philosofinch 0 points1 point ago

Perhaps I should have posted this: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/11tgr9/i_am_not_a_drunk_snail_look_ill_prove_it_i_can_hop/ as a comment here, but I haven't posted before and thought it was about time.

[–]gythorg 0 points1 point ago

dammit i wish the snail turned the other way

then we could call it the Derek Zoolander snail

[–]guitartablelamp 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only one here who gets sick of overused memes like' "Go home, X you are drunk?" That face when you get sick of shit O_O

[–]C130_jumper 0 points1 point ago

Conn, Sonar! Crazy Ivan!

[–]frail_snail 0 points1 point ago

im not drunk. just one more beeeer...

[–]ramsrgood 0 points1 point ago

what a hilarious and original joke.

[–]As0l 0 points1 point ago

Why the fuck is someone taking a snail and dragging it in a pattern getting upvoted? ><

[–]GuthixsCat 1 point2 points ago

  1. See post on 9Gag
  2. Re-post to reddit
  3. ???
  4. acquire karma

[–]R7Response 0 points1 point ago

why were you on 9Gag....

[–]DeadliestSin[S] 0 points1 point ago

My friend sent it to me and I didn't see it on karmadecay so I figured there was no harm

[–]KnownAsRye 0 points1 point ago

Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

[–]bluetux 0 points1 point ago

ok lets hear it, why did the snail go in circles like this, someone let me know.

[–]SnailTrail 1 point2 points ago

finally a post that makes my user name relevant...

[–]16watt 0 points1 point ago

He's being all artsy! Let him communicate with the world!

[–]worldalpha_com 0 points1 point ago

That's just a snail impersonating a cartoon fly.

[–]snailwithmonocle 0 points1 point ago

This is why I wear a glass.

[–]sutto85 0 points1 point ago

a snails shell is its home, sooo.. yeah

[–]Karakkan 0 points1 point ago

Damnit man, that snail is trying! Be a friend, help him out in his time of need and carry him home!

[–]onlygonnavote 0 points1 point ago

Who the hell upvotes this shit? Are you guys all fucking retarded?

Snails don't leave such a visible mucus trail. Plus, the width of the trail is way too wide. Not to mention how improbable it is for the snail to travel in such an organized pattern.

OP saw a snail on the ground, traced the "trail" himself, and took a picture. Good enough to fool Reddit apparently...

[–]MTknowsit 0 points1 point ago

Snail is trying to get home. Take all the curves out of the concrete.

[–]infant_assassin 0 points1 point ago

Totally....I feel you snail

[–]dubplate 0 points1 point ago

He's a great driver.

[–]KHurston89 0 points1 point ago

[–]ccrepitation 0 points1 point ago

he will go. on his own time.

[–]Ebelglorg -1 points0 points ago

*You're

[–]HottDurger 0 points1 point ago

SHUT THE FUCK UP - this is not funny, i am not amused. STOP

[–]DuckMincher 0 points1 point ago

Speaking of drunk...Fuck, I am already drunk.

[–]Armitron58 0 points1 point ago

If the police chased him in a smart car he would still be able to outrun them even in his current condition

[–]AmboC 0 points1 point ago

Go home OP, your title sucks.

[–]ArleeJ 0 points1 point ago

"He must have been drinking slo gin." -My SO

[–]mrwensleydale 0 points1 point ago

Snail writing. It says "oooo".

[–]Cupid_snoopid -1 points0 points ago

LOL He makes circles! That's why it could be interpreted as him being drunk! Why you don't do straight line snail? You are so inefficient.

[–]WUMIBO 0 points1 point ago

He's just a deku snail...

[–]supraholic 0 points1 point ago

He is just practicing his cursive...

[–]connerisonreddit666 0 points1 point ago

He drew 666

[–]HGPElite 0 points1 point ago

why did you make me read the same thing twice?

[–]Snail28 0 points1 point ago

I'm not drunk... Just a little tipsy

[–]SquidLoaf 0 points1 point ago

He's not drunk; it's cursive. He's saying "gooo".

[–]IlluminousGlowCap 0 points1 point ago

"Weeeeeee"

[–]OriginalityIsDead 0 points1 point ago

Obviously a rare cursive snail.

[–]pantychancellor 0 points1 point ago

Stop lying to yourself snail. You're no NASCAR racer.