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top 200 commentsshow all 310

[–]R3luctant 329 points330 points ago

I had a girl sit on my lap once and my phone vibrated 2 seconds afterwards, she freaked out.

[–]Denies_Errything 328 points329 points ago

In an alternate reality she simply shifted her weight around until it was Juuuust right.

Consider that for a moment.

[–]PhantomSwagger 219 points220 points ago

But... if my phone gets wet, it'll be ruined!

[–]Denies_Errything 223 points224 points ago

Science comes first (or second in this case).

[–]Cras 26 points27 points ago

Ha, that was the best thing I've read today. I'm so glad I followed this particular thread with my eyeballs. Thanks for that, you clever rascal.

[–]Yeckarb 26 points27 points ago

I have eyeballs too.

[–]polarlover 30 points31 points ago

[–]tesla3327 27 points28 points ago

[–]KiwiCRO 20 points21 points ago

That add on the right. So appropriate.

[–]Nickomang 5 points6 points ago

Weight watchers?

[–]iliveinabunkbed 2 points3 points ago

Was her name science?!

[–]shriekingofnothing 9 points10 points ago

Maeby. We can't really be certain at this point.

[–]danguro -1 points0 points ago

Her name was Science

[–]Sloth_speed 13 points14 points ago

[–]loli123 0 points1 point ago

I don't know why you're getting down voted that was fucking hilarious.

[–]jotch 5 points6 points ago

Rice vagina.

[–]drawingdead0 2 points3 points ago

Never thought a rice vagina would be the solution to anything.

[–]Batticon 0 points1 point ago

Is it a Nokia? There may be hope.

[–]ddplz 0 points1 point ago

Put it in a bag of rice.

[–]Hysteriia 8 points9 points ago

In another alternate reality, she responded by ripping off her clothes and playing Bop-It with her flying pet nematode.

Consider that for a moment.

[–]Denies_Errything 6 points7 points ago

...WIZARD!

My pants are suddenly tighter ಠ_ಠ

[–]katboii 0 points1 point ago

Tried something like that I just slid my mobile in my pocket while wearing tight pants and her sitting on my lap. Had a hard time not laughing at her reaction.

[–]Ajunk 134 points135 points ago

Plot twist: She texted you.

[–]Actually_Doesnt_Care 62 points63 points ago

Plot twist #2: Her dad texted you.

[–]FootofGod 16 points17 points ago

Ohh... VAGINA was phone!

[–]wayofTzu 17 points18 points ago

Ring, ring , ring, ring, ring..... Vagina Phone! It's be best, Beats the rest!

[–]oliveyoutoo 10 points11 points ago

Cellular, modular, interactivodular!

[–]Rhakan 2 points3 points ago

Hello? Yes, this is pussy.

[–]TurtleTuttle 14 points15 points ago

"Sorry to disappoint you, but that's just my phone"

[–]PurdyCrafty 10 points11 points ago

"Is that a cellphone in your pocket or are you just extremely talented?"

[–]TryingToFindAnExit 21 points22 points ago

Twist: He's named his dick, phone.

[–]TapsMan 8 points9 points ago

I don't get that, what did she think would have been vibrating?

[–]MY_LITTLE_ORIFICE 92 points93 points ago

What, your dong doesn't vibrate? What do you think they modeled electrical dildos after? freak.

Hey fellas, this guy's penis is dead in the water!

[–]ZeroGSpaceCow 44 points45 points ago

Hahah! What a loser! No woman will ever want him.

[–]FreeToiletPaper 10 points11 points ago

In the water? HA! He will never get his broken dick wet.

[–]Mazroll 3 points4 points ago

The same thing happened to me except we were sharing a seat in a car (dangerous, I know, but it was necessary at the time) so we both awkwardly laughed for a minute or so until the phone stopped vibrating (I couldn't get it since it was in my front pocket.

[–]idodoap -1 points0 points ago

once..

[–]jotch -4 points-3 points ago

I had that happen to me, then she moved and kept calling me, and told me not to move or touch the phone. Was fun.

[–]Asks_Politely 54 points55 points ago

Yeah, that definitely happened.

[–]jotch 10 points11 points ago

Thanks for replying politely!

[–]feilen 66 points67 points ago

17 missed calls:

-Mom 12:49

-Mom 12:50

-Mom 12:50

-Mom 12:51

...

[–]allsmoothlike 0 points1 point ago

OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK!!!!

[–]hnrqoliv182 1 point2 points ago

... O_O

[–]Gust1 587 points588 points ago

Funny fact: When Michael Cera was filming this, he didn't understand the sexual reference so the director had to tell him to "just look troubled." I think he understands it now

[–]HogwartsNeedsWifi 277 points278 points ago

I call bullshit. No director ever has had to tell Michael Cera to look troubled.

[–]jaxspider 95 points96 points ago

Exactly... looking troubled is Michael Cera's default face.

[–]GhettoKid 16 points17 points ago

He is the male Kritsen Stewart.

[–]jsellout 12 points13 points ago

Sounds like a fabulous WoW pun name.

[–]AnnatheHordie 0 points1 point ago

Called iiiiit!

[–]Tubbles 8 points9 points ago

Go see Youth In Revolt or Scott Pilgrim. He's surprisingly not 1-dimensional in those, well.. not completely.

[–]Bipolarruledout 3 points4 points ago

Just mostly.

[–]lordkabab 3 points4 points ago

This is.... this is... this is... "What?" This is boooooorinng.

[–]not_a_cyborg 105 points106 points ago

My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding.

[–]infernal_llamas 9 points10 points ago

[obligatory blade runner reference]

[–]Dyolf_Knip 334 points335 points ago

I have a sneaking suspicion Cera was just trolling him.

[–]Braddo4417 83 points84 points ago

Sorry about that take, director. Looks like we have to do another one.

[–]dclowd9901 18 points19 points ago

I wonder what the director told him during the scene where he's in the stair car "waiting for the sun to set"?

[–]Gman1012 6 points7 points ago

Really? The way I heard it was that he explained it to him then Cera just said, "oh, well that's funnier."

[–]unrealaz 55 points56 points ago

You were the girl?

[–]DanielPeverley 11 points12 points ago

Ah, the old reddit switcha-fuck I ain't got time for that.

[–]MaynPayn 52 points53 points ago

I remember taking the bus home from middle school. The bus was completely full, but I had a seat. So while recovering from a random boner, a friend of mine gets on the bus. So since there are no seats left she has to stand in the middle of the bus. She asks me if she can sit on my lap, I say "No, not right now" and she smiles at me and sits down on my half boner. She turns her head slowly and looks at me. She gets up slowly and stops talking to me for a month.

[–]bronerkill 66 points67 points ago

So you tell her no, she sits on your half chub anyway, and then she stops talking to you? What an odd series of events. Maybe she thought you were rocking a full chub and didn't think you'd be able to satisfy her.

[–]MaynPayn 2 points3 points ago

It was very odd indeed, tbh she was an odd girl.

[–]TheeFlipper 1 point2 points ago

You married her, right? I mean this is reddit, that's what we do.

[–]MaynPayn 0 points1 point ago

Hehe, nope didn't do that. She recently moved into my neighborhood though, but I have no intention of ever marrying her... she is kinda crazy.

[–]TheeFlipper 1 point2 points ago

But you're gonna give it to her, right? At least give her the tip.

[–]MaynPayn 0 points1 point ago

Do I have to?

[–]kingsleigh 0 points1 point ago

Yes, but just the tip.

[–]Hateblade 1 point2 points ago

But the crazy ones are fuuun... for a bit.

[–]regito 5 points6 points ago

I LOL'd at your comment ;)

[–]Imperion_GoG 136 points137 points ago

Les Cousins Dangereux

[–]MrPeppa 28 points29 points ago

I like the way they think

[–]Gyaruson 1 point2 points ago

Upvoted because you're my fucking hero.

[–]twokidsinamansuit 18 points19 points ago

This happened to me, except it was my best friend... and we were both boys...

[–]fawker 9 points10 points ago

way to ruin the mood

[–]twokidsinamansuit 9 points10 points ago

That's what I said

[–]mucusfocus 5 points6 points ago

were

[–]Bipolarruledout 1 point2 points ago

Go on...

[–]iamtherottweiler 37 points38 points ago

Ass-to-ankles is one of my favorite terms of all time.

[–]brandonw00 9 points10 points ago

Especially hearing David Cross say that line as Tobias.

[–]angrye 40 points41 points ago

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pieeeee

[–]plexxer 7 points8 points ago

My pants are tight!

[–]HaydenB 3 points4 points ago

Vacuum.

[–]Hawk_Irontusk 1 point2 points ago

No, it's magnets.

[–]Dr_L_Church 0 points1 point ago

Magnets! How do they work!??!

[–]lagunabitch 8 points9 points ago

Donnie wants a green quarter.

[–]shockzone 9 points10 points ago

Donnie want a kiss like on Showtime

[–]jonbales 1 point2 points ago

What's this from?

[–]mybrotherhasabbgun 14 points15 points ago

I was on this bus trip in high school with a bunch of other kids. In the back of the bus there were one row of seats facing backwards, making a nice little den of 4 seats on each side of the aisle. On the way back form our destination we all piled into these seats: guys one bottom, girls sitting on laps. This one guy sitting across from me had this really pretty girl sitting on his lap and he had put his foot up on the seat next to me. The guy next to me and I both helped him out by caressing his ankle occasionally. He kept giving us wide-eyed stares but he couldn't move his foot without getting up, and he didn't want the girl to get off his lap, so he just had to deal with it.

[–]n8dawwg 36 points37 points ago

LOL reminds me of when I was sitting on a coach with my buddy's gf next to me. She was carressing his head (he was sitting in the floor with his back against the sofa) at some point she stopped, so I had no choice to continue on. I think he liked my head rubbing better because his eyes started to almost roll back into his skull. Whole room was about to burst into laughter before he finally turned around. True story.

[–]Pieternel 4 points5 points ago

Your truthfullness has been rewarded with my upvote.

[–]internetUser0001 3 points4 points ago

Took me a while before I realized you were sitting on a couch, not a coach.

[–]thesandlot 91 points92 points ago

[–]ArtDealer 7 points8 points ago

every time i hear that damned song, I think this:

http://imgur.com/r/arresteddevelopment/FSzLd

[–]Shizo211 111 points112 points ago

Is this from a movie? The boy looks like the guy in kick ass/superbad.

[–]BlackestN1GHT 62 points63 points ago

It's from the show Arrested Development

Edit: also the actor, Michael Cera, WAS in Superbad but was NOT in Kick Ass

[–]thetardcore 23 points24 points ago

He's probably thinking of Christopher Mintz-Plasse. I have no idea if that's how it's spelled, but I'm talking about McLovin. He's in both movies.

Edit: I looked it up, and that's exactly how it's spelled. I. Am. Reddit proof.

[–]videogameexpert 0 points1 point ago

Reddit-proof would be a hyphenated word as it conveys a single meaning but is not a true compound word.

"I am reddit, proof." vs. "I am reddit-proof."

[–]thetardcore 2 points3 points ago

Damn you.

[–]kevinpilgrim 1 point2 points ago

why everyone thought that he's in kick ass? its a whole different actor

[–]chrom_ed 13 points14 points ago

Eh, not quite a whole different actor.

Source: I develop androids for Hollywood.

[–]longhaireddan 1 point2 points ago

Oh, you're an android developer! Do you know when I'll be getting Jellybean on my Galaxy S3?

[–]thedudeabides- 1 point2 points ago

any idea which episode? I saw this picture probably a hundred times before watching the show but never remember seeing this part. I was constantly looking out for it too

[–]MorbidRampager 0 points1 point ago

You sir are a bawss

[–]wirelesswizard64 16 points17 points ago

He was in Scott Pilgrim and Superbad, but not KickAss.

[–]mitt-romney 2 points3 points ago

You forgot Year One.

[–]Vassago81 21 points22 points ago

It's better to forget Year One.

[–]RyuSythe 2 points3 points ago

Year One never happened.

[–]Eric52902 5 points6 points ago

Everybody did.

[–]plurder 1 point2 points ago

I loved that movie! Especially the part where David Cross kills his brother haha.

"What have I done?!?" "What have I done again!?" What have I continued to do!?!?!"

or the part where Michael Cera has to give the fat hairy dude an oil massage

"now rub the oil in boy (or something along those lines)" "with my hands?" "No! WITH YOUR NUTSACK! Of course with your hands"

[–]emjayar08 0 points1 point ago

Paper heart was cute.

[–]torknorggren 171 points172 points ago

Why are people downvoting this? Not everyone in the universe is an Arrested Development fanboy.

[–]iwonderifthiswillfit 2 points3 points ago

I'm not, but their comments are persuading me to become one. Guess I will give it a watch when I get home.

[–]Reservebelg 61 points62 points ago

They should get out of the universe then

[–]orthag 53 points54 points ago

No.

[–]m3nace 0 points1 point ago

Yes.

edit: there is balance in the force today (31/31)

[–]orthag 19 points20 points ago

Make me.

[–]m3nace 20 points21 points ago

Mr. Orthag, I must be firm with you, please walk out of the universe or else: we will be very very angry with you and we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.

[–]orthag 3 points4 points ago

Don't make me use the cat-launcher on you.

[–]Their_Police 6 points7 points ago

I prefer the turtle tosser.

[–]EJR94 4 points5 points ago

You sick perverted freak.

[–]tboy4 0 points1 point ago

maybe

[–]jesusray 1 point2 points ago

Everything gets downvotes, a lot of them are completely fake. They aren't worth talking about.

[–]Psilophone 1 point2 points ago

There are dozens of us!

[–]schattenteufel 5 points6 points ago

The guy is actor Michael Cera. The show that this is from is Arrested Development (the funniest television show of all time, of all time!)

[–]Dogget 9 points10 points ago

I wish I could be where Shizo211 is right now, to go back and do it all again for the first time . . .

[–]StratJax 1 point2 points ago

It would be like Blue-ing yourself for the first time again.

[–]skidoosh123 1 point2 points ago

Whose Line here, we need to have a word...

[–]ArtDealer 0 points1 point ago

jesse eisenberg gave a smirk when he read this thread... finally, someone mixed someone else up with michael cera, not him!

[–]MrGoodbytes 98 points99 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
Bumpy Road 4coms 41pts 2mos funny
Life with a hot cousin. 7coms 60pts 3mos funny
Uh Oh 1com 4pts 4dys funny
Development ironically activated in this moment 1com -4pts 2mos funny
Woah, a bumpy road ahead! 214coms 561pts 2mos funny
Bumpy road ahead 5coms 203pts 2mos arresteddevelopment
Woah, a bumpy road ahead! 489coms 1150pts 10mos funny
Bumpy road ahead! 0coms 17pts 4mos funny
Bumpy road ahead 336coms 911pts 6mos funny

source: karmadecay

[–]bretstar 15 points16 points ago

Now that this has been reposted, it'll be mere hours before this is reposted...again.

[–]Nesman64 14 points15 points ago

Went fishing with my girlfriend (Crazy Bitch) and her family: Her dad (also a CB), sister (2 years younger, CB in training with a lot of natural aptitude), dog, and me. The dog was pretty cool.

On the way out, the dog sits up front with the dad and girls and I sit in the truck bed. It was raining on the way home, so I was begrudgingly allowed in the front of the truck. CB's dad had the clever idea of putting little sister in my lap. He figured that girlfriend would get jealous and burn my house down if I tried anything. Fullproof plan, right?

About 2 minutes into the trip, girlfriend starts caressing my hand, running her fingertips along the webbing between my thumb and index finger. She figured it'd be fun to see little sister with an uncomfortable seat. I have never concentrated so hard on baseball before in my life.

Edit: Tried to make words convey thoughts.

[–]aesir33 12 points13 points ago

wow. you named all the characters CB, and then you describe random character as CB. wtf. you suck at story telling. You are bad and you should feel bad.

[–]Nesman64 16 points17 points ago

I am, and I do.

[–]aesir33 3 points4 points ago

you have received upvote.

[–]01matthi 0 points1 point ago

To be fair the only time he said CB after the intro was when he was talking about the dad, who is implied to be the father of both cbs so the meaning isnt ambiguous.

[–]aesir33 0 points1 point ago

he edited it to make more sense

[–]Punksworth 4 points5 points ago

What the fuck is "CB"?

[–]Nesman64 2 points3 points ago

Crazy Bitch. Maybe it's regional.

[–]thesunman 2 points3 points ago

i just want you to know i read this and totally understood it

[–]rjaspa 0 points1 point ago

Your edits seem to have helped. I read it, found it funny and upvoted.

[–]smokeyjoe223 0 points1 point ago

What does CB mean?

[–]SergeantSlapNuts 5 points6 points ago

Clara Barton. They were actually going to a Civil War reenactment.

[–]Nesman64 0 points1 point ago

Crazy Bitch. Can be gender neutral.

[–]x52495 1 point2 points ago

okay, I'll bite... what's a "CB"?

[–]Nesman64 1 point2 points ago

Crazy Bitch.

[–]DaFunny1 10 points11 points ago

Actually the one bump really.

[–]whatwhywhy 16 points17 points ago

What movie is this? May i ask?

[–]diplomatsun 26 points27 points ago

It's not a film, it's an episode from the brilliant tv series 'Arrested Development'.

[–]Sgtdrillhole 0 points1 point ago

Maeby they arent family. (Duh nuh nuh)

[–]4chan- 2 points3 points ago

Sounds like you missed out on some real family bonding moments

[–]fatboycasey 11 points12 points ago

What show is this from

[–]iamtherottweiler 22 points23 points ago

Arrested Development

[–]DulyNoted1 8 points9 points ago

True story, I live in Saskatchewan Canada. My grade 12 graduation party was on a Indian reserve. It rained the day before and the road was a gravel back road needless to say the ride was very very rough. fast forward drinking 12 beer in about an hour and a half. My friends decided we should go party elsewhere because this place kinda sucks so we pack into my friends 50 dollar piece of shit ride (He literally bought it for 50 dollars) when some girls come and want a ride back to town, so we obviously oblige but of course there are no empty seats so this girl sits on my lap and we head back to town on this washed out back road. I never had any erection problems because I was too busy trying to keep the 12 beer in my stomach in check while this girl is bouncing around on my lap. I have never puked from alcohol before and I have never since but once this chick got off my lap I bazooka'd vomit all over the place. I sometimes wonder if the chick ever tells this story to people when discussing disgusting things they have endured.

Edited for clarification

[–]LeCrushinator 7 points8 points ago

Being from Canada, I would hope you at least told her, "sorry".

[–]ToInfinityThenStop 10 points11 points ago

And I hope she also apologised.

[–]Mr_Cumbox 1 point2 points ago

The driver also apologized for cleaning up the puke in his car.

[–]Dzurdzuk 1 point2 points ago

The beer apologized for making him feel sick.

[–]DulyNoted1 1 point2 points ago

I never puked on her, I aimed my projectile away from her. I do not remember telling her sorry, but its kind of in my nature I don't even notice myself saying it anymore.

[–]negraeffn 1 point2 points ago

Saskatchewan Represent!

[–]RugerRedhawk 0 points1 point ago

Why would that be something disgusting that she endured? I mean you puked 15 minutes after she sat on your lap? It's not like you puked on her, or even anything close to that.

[–]DulyNoted1 0 points1 point ago

She sat on my lap for 15 minutes, the puking occurred instantly as she got off my lap and we dropped her off at her place, literally instant reaction to the pressure she was applying being released. I had to do everything in my power not to puke all over her.

[–]RugerRedhawk 0 points1 point ago

I see makes more sense now

[–]GhettoKid 2 points3 points ago

Oh, this must be from that one movie/show where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager.

[–]tboy4 0 points1 point ago

Ohhh, man! It's on the tip of my tongue!!!

[–]tswpoker1 6 points7 points ago

Damn I love Arrested Development

[–]dionblaster 5 points6 points ago

Has happened to me before, except there were no bumps.

[–]jmc_automatic 34 points35 points ago

This happened to me before, except there was no girl. :(

[–]Viviparous 4 points5 points ago

So only bumps?

[–]monroseph 4 points5 points ago

Worst car ride ever.

[–]claudesoph 0 points1 point ago

Sure it wasn't.

[–]DrunkMc 1 point2 points ago

Ass to Ankles........hahahaha, I frigging love Tobias!

[–]GodsFavAtheist 1 point2 points ago

Old but still humorous.

Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the 1st thing that pops up.

[–]albatross49 0 points1 point ago

where is this scene from?

[–]farhangbeh 0 points1 point ago

Sure, not a family member ;)

[–]hozjo 0 points1 point ago

Better than having it happen in a crowded hot tub, theres no chance that's a phone or a wallet.

[–]razburrie 0 points1 point ago

This happened to me once. I ended up marrying the guy.

[–]third_world_alliance 1 point2 points ago

They aren't actually biologically related. Maeby's mother, Lindsey, was adopted.

[–]futafan 1 point2 points ago

M. Cera is the definition of awkward

[–]RedditMartian 0 points1 point ago

Arrested developments has some great lines!

[–]obdp 0 points1 point ago

Whats the name of this tvshow/movie?

[–]Anaract 0 points1 point ago

This again...

[–]riverstyxxx 0 points1 point ago

Whoops! Looks like christmas came early this year!

[–]soulequalsgone 0 points1 point ago

Arrested devolpment :'D

[–]DavenIII 2 points3 points ago

I had a stripper sitting on my lap at a club once...

[–]mmfire333 0 points1 point ago

flex your legs boy, for the love of god flex your legs

[–]sasha_ther_ussian -1 points0 points ago

Maebe.

[–]hearthfire 1 point2 points ago

Am I weird in saying the girl looks cute?