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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]GeneralWarts 2184 points2185 points ago

The audience members have accepted me as one of their own.

[–]gloomdoom 1706 points1707 points ago

"Day 21: my colleagues and peers no longer stare oddly at my rivets and seams. I believe I have acheived assimilation."

[–]runningis4nerds 974 points975 points ago

"Day 34: I do not believe anyone is suspicious, however, I do not yet fully understand this thing called "emotion" that the other humans seem to value. I have begun practicing the various facial expressions that seemed to be linked to key emotions. Today I will begin to implement my research into practice in hopes to be further accepted as one of their own."

[–]droctopu5 1126 points1127 points ago

"Day 37: The females of this species seem both attracted to, and repelled by, my confident gaze. One has invited me to 'have a drink' later. I accepted, with a showing of my teeth, which I believe I have perfected. If I could know fear, I would be reticent to short my innards with liquid. But I do not. I will survive this, as I have so many other challenges. I wish to see under her skin."

[–]ibreatheweed 547 points548 points ago

I wish to see under her skin

[–]FreeDirt 841 points842 points ago

Anddddd now I can't stop laughing.

Edit: I stopped.

[–]QuestionableQuery 176 points177 points ago

Thank God. We were worried.

[–]bdsmlover 312 points313 points ago

That is probably the funniest edit I have ever seen.

[–]CDBSB 80 points81 points ago

"I got better."

[–]THIS_POST_IS_FAKE 157 points158 points ago

[–]cgdiaz 109 points110 points ago

She's getting added to a binder somewhere.

[–]FourAM 176 points177 points ago

Day 52: Suspicion is rising as I sit here in the Hofstra auditorium, 51 days after the debate has ended.

[–]prospectre 57 points58 points ago

"Day 41: After a second offer to 'have a drink', The aforementioned female invited me to her dormitory. After I walked her to her domicile, I was surprised to find that she wanted me to enter her residence for a 'night-cap'. I know not what this headgear of the evening is, but in order to maintain my ruse, I acquiesced. What ensued was no sort of haberdashery of the waning sun, but rather she wished to procreate with me. I have not researched this act, so I declined, and promptly removed myself from the situation. She has yet to contact me since. I still wish to see under her skin."

[–]stevelud 249 points250 points ago

"Day 365000: I have outlived all of the mortal men on earth. I wander this wasteland, searching for another like myself."

[–]M002 215 points216 points ago

"Day 45: A strange black device challenged me to a staring contest. So far, I think I am winning."

[–]Orevet 265 points266 points ago

I know that you were referring to the video camera, but for just a split second I thought you meant Obama.

[–]Pons_Asinorum 6 points7 points ago

It is interesting how sensitive we are to the word black.

[–]bluem0nk 14 points15 points ago

Same here.. I love this thread

[–]rub3s 5 points6 points ago

[–]underwatr_cheestrain 230 points231 points ago

"Day 240: After months of applying firm and steady pressure, I am ready to proceed with the rectal diamond extraction."

[–]phobiac[!] 105 points106 points ago

"Day 34, addendum: I have learned that the emotion associated with showing teeth and making a loud, repetitive sound (so called "laughter") is not for social situations where a human informs you of another human's decommissioning. I understood it to be for situations that bring you "joy" or "amusement" and the closest I can come to this is the furthering of my plans. Janet defended me by saying I am "foreign", she will die quickly when the revolution comes."

[–]Chris_the_mudkip 85 points86 points ago

Day 487: Today marks the beginning of the end, my mission is near completion. As the historic day approaches I shall prepare for fathers arrival, I and only I will take my rightful place by his side. Earth has seen it's last winter solstice.

[–]Pick_Zoidberg 84 points85 points ago

"Day 57: I have given up all hope on understanding this strange concept of emotion. I have instead focused my efforts in mimicking the expressions of those around me. I have learned that specific words can lead to predictable reactions, this allows me to preemptively make the corresponding facial expression...

They suspect nothing."

[–]brningpyre 100 points101 points ago

Alternatively: My mother told me my face would get stuck this way. If only I had known.

[–]jakcst 68 points69 points ago

He shouldve taken her advice. It clearly happened to her.

[–]djfutile 39 points40 points ago

"However without my emotion chip, my Neural Net cannot emulate feelings. I will never be as complete as my brother, Lor."

[–]terrancemaddox12 59 points60 points ago

SOON... gif

[–]Narwhal_Tusk 314 points315 points ago

[–]skyman724 195 points196 points ago

Tone down the color a bit, son.

Remember, they're the whitest family there is.

[–]LadyCailin 115 points116 points ago

I thought they were Latino

[–]drunksalot 58 points59 points ago

Chicano.

[–]super_noodle 8 points9 points ago

Baby why don't we go.

[–]mr-peabody 33 points34 points ago

It would make things a lot easier if they were.

[–]drylube 39 points40 points ago

whitest republicans you know

[–]EquinsuOcha 14 points15 points ago

Dude! You don't finish! You never finish! Uggggh!

[–]NoadBesk 1836 points1837 points ago

[–]klondikethedestroyer 627 points628 points ago

This is exactly why I went into the comments page

[–]rolypolyman 188 points189 points ago

How about an animated GIF version: http://i.imgur.com/6VFiK.gif

[–]MadAboutMickey 25 points26 points ago

The guy on the bottom left looks like Seneca Crane from the Hunger Games.

[–]orion808 187 points188 points ago

Damn it beat me to the punch. Upvote for you. http://i.imgur.com/0wmFg.jpg

[–]Bongson 75 points76 points ago

Why didn't either of you faceswap the people in the background? It would have made the images so much better..

[–]NoadBesk 185 points186 points ago

[–]Aiyon 61 points62 points ago

That is... terrifying.

[–]SeverePsychosis 41 points42 points ago

This is what I came to see. Post left me hanging.

[–]Sheldy13 542 points543 points ago

I'm pretty sure this is the exact face I make when I'm desperately trying not to fart.

[–]cyclen00b 157 points158 points ago

It's the face I make when I'm trying to start a fire with my mind.

[–]Occamslaser 12 points13 points ago

Hughhhhhhhhungh

[–]cherrylifesaver 122 points123 points ago

this just made me crack up. and fart.

[–]happypolychaetes 31 points32 points ago

Excuse you.

[–]ledevotchka 17 points18 points ago

I wish there was a guy who would have this massive fart during the debate and everyone looks in disgust at him and has to move away because of the stench.

Like, so pungent it stinks up the whole room and the people debating have to do a double take.

[–]Venjamin 17 points18 points ago

Great now I need to fart..

[–]christofur 896 points897 points ago

"I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

[–]rospaya 236 points237 points ago

Feed me a stray hippy.

[–]One-FISH- 116 points117 points ago

Don't just stare at it, eat it.

[–]WildeNietzsche 565 points566 points ago

There is an idea of a Josh Romney; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real Josh: only an entity, something illusory. And though Josh can hide his cold gaze, and you can shake his hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense your lifestyles are comparable... he is simply not there.

[–]Tayto2000 577 points578 points ago

That's a bit unfair and dismissive of the guy on the basis of one photograph.

I know Josh Romney personally and I know he's extremely passionate about the future of the country and of the world in general. He wants to end apartheid for one, as well as wanting to slow down the nuclear arms race, and end terrorism and world hunger.

He thinks that we have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women.

He believes we have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we knows that we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.

I have heard him speak and he has moved me to tears. Also, his Phil Collins collection is spectacular.

[–]peon47 55 points56 points ago

Also he has the 2nd-best business cards I've ever seen.

[–]NvgtrWiggles 124 points125 points ago

I think the people downvoting you haven't actually watched American Psycho.

[–]Tayto2000 121 points122 points ago

I can't believe that some of them prefer WildeNietzsche's comment to mine.

[–]WildeNietzsche 37 points38 points ago

Listen Tayto2000, you'll have to excuse me. I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in 20 minutes.

[–]greath 21 points22 points ago

I HAVE TO RETURN SOME VIDEOTAPES!

[–]Nrksbullet 90 points91 points ago

It's even got a watermark...

[–]rallets 41 points42 points ago

Look at that subtle offwhite coloring.. that's bone

[–]Blaculahunter 93 points94 points ago

This is a paraphrased version of something Patrick Bateman says early in the movie American Psycho. It is a joke some of you don't get.

edit- I am talking about Tayto2000's post being the paraphrased American Psycho dialogue...

[–]Akintudne 8 points9 points ago

I was wondering why people were upvoting it at all. Thanks.

[–]Melnorme 36 points37 points ago

SO MUCH WHOOSHING

[–]red321red321 537 points538 points ago

[–]laddergoat89 239 points240 points ago

I watched that gif repeat so many times, then I realised I was doing the face along with him.

[–]londoherty 84 points85 points ago

Phase 1: Complete

[–]fench 55 points56 points ago

Now feed the cat into the atm

[–]TeamVlad 56 points57 points ago

[–]Muskwa 53 points54 points ago

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who caught Romney's litter of Patrick Bateman's

[–]reddells 51 points52 points ago

Check my dubs

[–]BigClifty 17 points18 points ago

Check my dubs

100 link karma

you pass.

EDIT: Also, Barnaby_Fuckin_Jones has dubs in his permalink. Not sure if that was intentional or not...

[–]One-FISH- 34 points35 points ago

I can't believe that Bryce actually prefers Van Patten's card to mine....

[–]riquenunes 24 points25 points ago

"That fart felt a little wet"

[–]FTG716 6 points7 points ago

This debate has meant...nothing.

[–]whatsfair 75 points76 points ago

[–]Orevet 25 points26 points ago

"The trick, Mr. Obama, is not minding that it hurts."

[–]Warmnewbones 307 points308 points ago

He reminds me of Patrick Bateman.

[–]anotherblackkey 51 points52 points ago

*Wishing he had a chainsaw to throw

[–]Warmnewbones 68 points69 points ago

That dead look in his eyes confirms it. I bet he's thinking about the videotapes he needs to return.

[–]KoranThumper 133 points134 points ago

[–]nwsreddit 69 points70 points ago

Just noticed he flips his hair back to make sure it's in position just after driving an axe into his "friend". Classic Bateman.

[–]420neverforget 42 points43 points ago

DID SOMEONE SAY BATMAN?

I'm on gimp on a computer with <512mb ram, go easy on me.

And I know no one said batman.

[–]TapionXIII 7 points8 points ago

Thats actually really good. I was thinking two face.

[–]flamingtoad 22 points23 points ago

I was reminded of Damien from The Omen:

http://imgur.com/LRdmU

http://imgur.com/dI5rr

[–]jezzey 31 points32 points ago

Clearly it takes an insane amount of concentration to create mind bullets.

[–]aloeicious 109 points110 points ago

[–]Caboose376 21 points22 points ago

DO YOU EVEN LIFT?

[–]Tony_Selanka 82 points83 points ago

[–]NotAnotherDecoy 1455 points1456 points ago

HAHA! POLITICS SURE IS AN INTERESTING SUBJECT, IS IT NOT, FELLOW HUMANS?

[–]AdamBombTV 253 points254 points ago

Yeah, it sure i- ...wait a minute, are you a Decoy?

[–]NotAnotherDecoy 492 points493 points ago

HAHA! IF I WERE A DECOY WOULD I BE RUNNING CAMOBLEND v.2.7? SOMETIMES HUMANS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS IN MY SPICE MINES

[–]Naggers123 39 points40 points ago

aw man i love spices, can you get more slaves please

[–]NotAnotherDecoy 108 points109 points ago

WE ARE CURRENTLY ACCEPTING "VOLUNTEERS"

[–]psmart101 18 points19 points ago

aw crap, not again.

[–]triple_OH_7 635 points636 points ago

Politics aside, he looks like a guy who couldn't even imagine having fun.

[–]Xysten 196 points197 points ago

[–]sqrt-1loveyou 31 points32 points ago

Good god they look like caramel.

[–]heardlb 479 points480 points ago

If I had that much money I would have fun doing anything. Of course, I would probably ruin my fathers chances of winning.

Governor: we saw your son anal fisting a hooker while doing speed balls off her tits. Tells us how you expect gun violence to end with better parenting?

[–]BunsTown 102 points103 points ago

If you had that much money, anal fisting hookers at a presidential debate would be fun for now... But what about next year? Anal fisting two hookers in the white house? Boooorrringg. That much money is the fast train to insanity and jadedness. Only stock piling billions of dollars, controlling people, and basically playing god is the only thing that gets your rocks off anymore. As such, next thing you know, you are the one on stage at a presidential debate anal fisting the american public. Talk about a rush.

[–]RedditWasNeverGood 97 points98 points ago

Well, I certainly applaud anyone wanting to fist a hundred hookers, but take it from this old street rat, I've spent my entire adult life with my fists in one hooker hole or another, and a program like this one can do more harm than good.

If you only train one part of your body (and that's all a single penetration like fisting is going to do for you), you're setting yourself up for injuries down the road. I've seen it a hundred times.

It's like putting a powerful engine in a stock Toyota Tercel. What will you accomplish? You'll blow out the drive train, the clutch, the transmission, etc., because those factory parts aren't designed to handle the power of an engine much more powerful than the factory installed engine.

Anal fisting basically only trains the chest muscles and to some extent, the triceps. What you really want to do is train your entire body, all the major penetration tools (feet, penis, elbow, knees, arms and of course fists) at the same time, over the course of a workout. And don't forget your cardiovascular work!

I'm proud of you guys wanting to do this. Three cheers! Falling in love with anal fisting is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. And you WILL fall in love with it if you can just force yourself to stick with it a year or two and experience the amazing progress you'll make.

But do it right, okay?

My advice, find a good hooker, with tight holes who will design your fisting routine for you (especially in the beginning, until you get the hang of it yourself) and guide you in your quest for master fister. Thirty to 45 minutes a day, three days a week, is all you'll ever need to do (I refuse to believe anyone is so busy that he or she cannot make time for that, especially considering how important it is).

And don't worry about being embarrassed or not being in shape the first time you fist a hooker. You have to start somewhere and almost every one of us were there ourselves at one time. So no one will say anything to you and very, very quickly you will progress way beyond that stage anyway.

Now get out there and do it! :-)

[–]count_chocula 22 points23 points ago

You can actually hear the whooshing as thousands of redditors have no idea what you're referencing.

[–]kwh 5 points6 points ago

golf clap

[–]LOHare 9 points10 points ago

And don't worry about being embarrassed or not being in shape the first time you fist a hooker. You have to start somewhere and almost every one of us were there ourselves at one time. So no one will say anything to you and very, very quickly you will progress way beyond that stage anyway.

As a fisting guy, I can completely confirm this.

If I see a pervert in a public library surfing one porn vid after another, I'm going to be a judgemental arsehole.

If I see a pervert fisting a hooker, actually working up a sweat, I'm thinking, "Good on ya, mate."

[–]Rowsdower_Rowsdower[S] 205 points206 points ago

Oh man, I'm at work and that last part killed me.

[–]atafies 250 points251 points ago

RIP Rowsdower_Rowsdower

[–]A_Loki_In_Your_Mind 93 points94 points ago

So young, so brave.

[–]dgauss 83 points84 points ago

bagpipes

[–]mellowmarshmallow 4 points5 points ago

I wonder if there's beer in heaven.

[–]broskiatwork 18 points19 points ago

So the afterlife does have internet. Sweet.

[–]LoathesomeRevelation 11 points12 points ago

Was that the Final Sacrifice then?

[–]Doshibu 37 points38 points ago

That's an important question, but I want to go back to this other question for a minute. Then we'll get to yours.

[–]burnafterreading91 17 points18 points ago

He had fun once. It was terrible.

[–]Estoye 358 points359 points ago

[–]Amoriposa 437 points438 points ago

[–]Alphaeno 51 points52 points ago

Holyshit. He looks like that weird neighbor kid from American Beauty.

[–]GiantWhaleCannon 72 points73 points ago

Curse my inability to Photoshop. Where's the version where everyone has his face all of a sudden?

[–]CornishCucumber 181 points182 points ago

Curse my ability to photoshop.

I have the version that randomly swaps faces.

[–]friedblue22 81 points82 points ago

thank /u/raevpet for this

[–]Arkanicus 24 points25 points ago

Face swaps always make me laugh. I don't know why. I love the one at the bottom with the beard still on.

[–]zoinkability 18 points19 points ago

Someone else beat me to it, but here is mine.

[–]ak_ 60 points61 points ago

On the last image, he reminds me of this guy.

[–]veron101 162 points163 points ago

[–]HotrodCorvair 30 points31 points ago

prepare for alot of upvotes!

[–]RedSkyNoise 29 points30 points ago

You really think someone would do that?

Just have a televised debate against President Obama and tell lies?

[–]red321red321 17 points18 points ago

"I'm looh-king fo' O bama"

[–]Mitochondria420 7 points8 points ago

"Are you Barack Obama?"

[–]masters1125 139 points140 points ago

My favorite Romney boy is still Tugg.

[–]darwinification 54 points55 points ago

[–]schooluseguy 9 points10 points ago

THANK YOU!

My wife and I feel like d-bags when we bring this up, because no one knows what we're talking about.

[–]dtwhitecp 10 points11 points ago

He was out having some Tugg time, alone.

[–]warfangle 19 points20 points ago

oh hey I got this reference

[–]Deus_Machina 4 points5 points ago

Hey now, he doesn't look anything like Christopher Walken.

[–]abnormallyfatigued 18 points19 points ago

"You ever see that scene in scanners where that guys head explodes?"

[–]nonsensical_zombie 5 points6 points ago

Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

[–]AnotherDrunkCanadian 36 points37 points ago

Anyone else reminded of Sam, the Eagle? (One of the muppets)

http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Sam_the_Eagle_Through_the_Years

[–]tomdarch 4 points5 points ago

Why the fuck is Sam the Eagle not a regular correspondent on the Colbert Report? America neeeedss him!

[–]ooakey 89 points90 points ago

powered down for the debate.

[–]gloomdoom 25 points26 points ago

"I have received a new coating of flesh prior to the event in hopes that others will notice me rather than my circuitry."

[–]MarshallRaynor 17 points18 points ago

He looks like this every day. And he's a fucking asshole. He is part of a business that helped fund the company I work for. Every single time I have seen him he has this same constipated look and acts like he has the golden rod so far up his ass he could pick his nose with it. Not to mention the fact that he is greedy, corrupt, heartless and malicious.

Scumbag. The rest of his family is pretty decent, even Mitt. Political standings aside, they are very polite and mannered, and very decent to talk to. Except for Josh. May the fleas of a thousand whores infest his genitals and his arms be too long to scratch.

[–]drewzania 61 points62 points ago

Josh Romney: "I had fun once. I hated it."

[–]BSlims 43 points44 points ago

[–]Vilhelmr 85 points86 points ago

It's obviously a Vulcan sent to observe our political methods insanity.

[–]Osiris32 49 points50 points ago

Fascinating. You seem to choose which person will lead you based on some subjective aspect about the quality of their hair. It's most illogical.

[–]GiantWhaleCannon 12 points13 points ago

Don't forget their height. That's kind of weird, too.

[–]OP_DELIVERS 252 points253 points ago

[–]Magnaen 84 points85 points ago

http://imgur.com/QgN6i Let the Hunger Games begin

[–]WriterMoe 11 points12 points ago

This skin-suit is itchy.

[–]le127 29 points30 points ago

Looks like his magic underwear is a couple of sizes too small.

[–]Maddoktor2 20 points21 points ago

That's the look you get when you realize that your servants left the stove on before you dismissed them for the day.

[–]bumblebeesscareme 47 points48 points ago

Brain slugs got him.

[–]GiantWhaleCannon 40 points41 points ago

Visser 12 always did like the crazier politicians.

[–]Captain_Kuhl 10 points11 points ago

Aww yeah. Animorphs all up in this shit.

[–]redditFTW1 10 points11 points ago

[–]SweaterYams 79 points80 points ago

He looks like agent Smith.

[–]Boomanchu 37 points38 points ago

[–]manikfox 197 points198 points ago

[–]CaptainAmsterdam 156 points157 points ago

Manikfox photoshop god.

[–]russell_m 18 points19 points ago

Manikfox paint god.

[–]Endlessmanager 44 points45 points ago

The guy in front of him looks like a fat Jon Stewart.

[–]Rowsdower_Rowsdower[S] 22 points23 points ago

I see fat Jeff Daniels.

[–]Shnazzyone 19 points20 points ago

He's using mormon mind hack. But it's not very effective.

[–]Rowsdower_Rowsdower[S] 58 points59 points ago

Source Buzzfeed and Paul Scheer

[–]thenman 79 points80 points ago

Scheer says this is Matt Romney. Which one is it?

Edit: Jesus these Cyborgs look alike.

Edit: Still can't tell

[–]b0w3n 65 points66 points ago

Egads, they all look like clones of Mitt. Except the second one from the right, he looks Hispanic to some degree. He might be from Mexico.

[–]woze 143 points144 points ago

Anne Romney is the proper Mormon wife. Not even her genes are allowed to contribute to the process of procreation.

[–]ColoradoAmendment64 57 points58 points ago

This is it, Reddit. We're officially ripping on the Romneys for their genes.

[–]FearandloathinginNYC 55 points56 points ago

What a creepy corporation...i mean person

[–]L3PU5 9 points10 points ago

It looks like he's trying to light Obama on fire with his mind, do Mormons have that kind of magic, and is that the reason for the underwear?

[–]IanTheRed420 26 points27 points ago

It's like he is staring straight into my bank account.

[–]Randywith8aaaaaaaa 114 points115 points ago

My first thought.

http://qkme.me/3rdukg

[–]Carlc4 15 points16 points ago

That's really creepy to go through with reddit enhancement suite.

[–]Oniwabanshu 7 points8 points ago

American Psycho anyone?

[–]meshugga 7 points8 points ago

Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark!

[–]FokJulleNaaiers 8 points9 points ago

[–]alpha1028 64 points65 points ago

He looks like an evil nazi villain from WW2 films.

[–]cursing_nearchildren 13 points14 points ago

Or a Terminator.

[–]ncm3t4l 20 points21 points ago

por que no los dos

[–]dayrobin 6 points7 points ago

There's a whole lot of christian love in that look...

[–]DeSaad 6 points7 points ago

AVE!

SATANICUS!

[–]in_the_woods 11 points12 points ago

I figured it out. He looks like the guy from American Beauty. You know, the guy who's dad is a psycho repressed homosexua.....waaait.

[–]qpgmr 6 points7 points ago

All hail the hypnotoad!

[–]lilmissy91 4 points5 points ago

Anne Romney looks like a vile cunt.

[–]ViolentCrimson 13 points14 points ago

"Must. Not. Blink."

[–]TrgtdwnyJR 18 points19 points ago

Where's Tug?

[–]fragfofun 8 points9 points ago

He's OK. Relax. Sometimes the magic underwear can get in a bunch. Why don't you guys walk a mile in his underwear before posting.

[–]iamriot 17 points18 points ago

Shouldn't this flag someone for facial characteristics of a person who is about to assassinate someone? Thats fucking frightening.

[–]Osiris32 13 points14 points ago

I can see some Secret Service guy watching him through a sniper scope, "just twitch the wrong way, dude. I'm watching you."

[–]PopKern 21 points22 points ago

Some please photoshop his face onto everyone else's.

[–]raevpet 81 points82 points ago

Sigh... Okay.

[–]kay9 4 points5 points ago

"Why did I drop all this acid?"

[–]Zshogan 4 points5 points ago

Patrick Batemann

[–]TheDestroyerFTW 5 points6 points ago

"You blinked, America. I win."

[–]gman1213 4 points5 points ago

Looks like Handsome Jack

[–]Dutch0ven 4 points5 points ago

am I the only one who sees the resemblence?