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top 200 commentsshow all 275

[–]gingeristjake 503 points504 points ago

Cthullhu, nobody is saying you have stupid powers. Take off the silly hat and you'll be fine.

[–]Erfeo 102 points103 points ago

I wish I could enslave superheroes and wear them as a hat, that'd be great.

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 99 points100 points ago

Thank you for seeing things my way, your death will be quick and painless.

[–]TotallyLegitProphet 21 points22 points ago

WE ARE DOOOMED!

[–]CrazyMessiahOnaBox 17 points18 points ago

DOOOOMEEDDOOOMEDDOOOOOMEEDDOOOOOOOMED

[–]IAMSupermanAMAA 14 points15 points ago

dont worry my friend, I came to lend a hand

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 14 points15 points ago

Hello Clark, how are you doing today?

[–]IAMSupermanAMAA 11 points12 points ago

I'm fine, how bout you?

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 15 points16 points ago

Tired, i think I may go back to sleep.

[–]I_HULK_HEAR_ME_SMASH 9 points10 points ago

HULK SAYS NO CONVERSING, JUST SMASHING.

[–]el_bhm 3 points4 points ago

Talk to him longer and you'll become a cap.

[–]flawlesslylogical -1 points0 points ago

Cram it, Smallville.

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 0 points1 point ago

Seems legit

[–]gamerguyal 0 points1 point ago

[–]EverChillingLucifer 10 points11 points ago

ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 8 points9 points ago

Too bad I'm not sleeping anymore.

[–]gwings 8 points9 points ago

For the great Lord_Cthulhu http://i.imgur.com/YJswP.gif

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 9 points10 points ago

Bad cultist, yesterday was No Bra Day! But I may have to keep her around...for science.

[–]Todd_the_Wraith 3 points4 points ago

As you wish, my lord.

[–]pockets817 2 points3 points ago

5 months and 23 days. Not bad.

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 8 points9 points ago

Best part is, this was never meant as a novelty account.

[–]IamYog-SothothAMA 6 points7 points ago

They're the best when they aren't supposed to be a novelty.

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 8 points9 points ago

Yoggy! Long time no see! Also I couldn't agree more.

[–]762headache 0 points1 point ago

You've gone soft. Quick and painless? I'm calling your father.

[–]DaCthulhu 2 points3 points ago

I look fucking gorgeous.

[–]Lord_Cthulhu 8 points9 points ago

I LIKE MY SILLY HAT!

[–]kmart890 16 points17 points ago

Well fuck. It's not like I wanted to actually do anything today.

[–]ThatKositzkeKid 12 points13 points ago

One of them was deleted. I'm trapped. The end is unreachable.

[–]MufasaJesus 7 points8 points ago

It's begun again...

[–]PS_OliveJuice 0 points1 point ago

Where the fuck was I

[–]stamatt45 0 points1 point ago

We need to go deeper

[–]StewieBanana 169 points170 points ago

Dude, Aquaman has the power to fuck Mermaids whenever he wants. No one says he has useless powers.

[–]craigory83 124 points125 points ago

Under the sea Under the sea Darling it's better Down where it's wetter Take it from me

[–]michel_v 20 points21 points ago

I know! I know! Hohoho!

[–]tidux 13 points14 points ago

Thank you, Patchface.

[–]Todd_the_Wraith 0 points1 point ago

Who's Patchface?

[–]theouternationalist 1 point2 points ago

Fuck, I hate patchface!!! But that just goes to show you how effective George RR Martin's writing is!!!

[–]neobyte999 37 points38 points ago

I kinda want to be aquaman now

[–]LibraryRulesRule 39 points40 points ago

How would you fuck a mermaid? Answer me that!

[–]Alexis_ 104 points105 points ago

"Oh, why couldn't she be the other kind of mermaid, with the fish part on the top and the lady part on the bottom?" - Philip J. Fry.

[–]adrixshadow 10 points11 points ago

[–]carthoris26 3 points4 points ago

That... is a hilarious wiki. Clicked on a random link at the bottom, lists "skills" for this character which include:

  • Tail Massage
  • Bound Tail Massage
  • Tail Suck
  • Sweet Blow
  • Sweet Fellatio
  • Five Step Vaginal Hell

The hell am I reading?

[–]adrixshadow 3 points4 points ago

Japanese pr0n "rpg"

[–]Rithe 0 points1 point ago

[–]librlman 19 points20 points ago

Fishdicks with tartar sauce. Where do you think clam chowder comes from?

[–]smoakme 18 points19 points ago

The same way you fuck a human, in the mouth.

[–]I_am_not_a_black_guy 11 points12 points ago

Wait but I don't poop from there?

[–]Sheepdog20 4 points5 points ago

Not right now, you don't.

[–]schattenteufel 9 points10 points ago

I had a thought on that earlier this week, actually. What if the mermaid's bottom section was aquatic mammalian, like a porpoise? They are warm-blooded and have vaginas.

[–]LibraryRulesRule 3 points4 points ago

But then it wouldn't have scales and sparkle. It would just be legs fused together and with an altered bone structure.

[–]schattenteufel 2 points3 points ago

ya can't have it all, man!

[–]LibraryRulesRule 18 points19 points ago

I usually can't have any.

[–]Vaelkyri 9 points10 points ago

With great difficulty.

[–]dlan4327 3 points4 points ago

Carefully.

[–]Moviephone431 3 points4 points ago

With Aquaman's superpower. He just said that!

[–]Dragon_yum 14 points15 points ago

So the mermaids lay their eggs and then he cums over the eggs just to have more children then he can support? No thank you.

[–]odysseus88 1 point2 points ago

beneficial to humanity maybe?

[–]HyzerFlip 1 point2 points ago

Mermaids have fish vaginas

[–]mobyhead1 1 point2 points ago

"Dude, Aquaman sucks!"

[–]iamonredditbitch 0 points1 point ago

Or mermen

[–]_ynot_ 91 points92 points ago

Aquaman is quite powerful, actually. If you read this, specially the third paragraph, you can see that.

[–]Diatom67 152 points153 points ago

The ability to control undead sealife sounds like serious fun at the grocery store.

[–]Paladia 48 points49 points ago

I thought the fish there was just dead, not undead.

[–]VectorCell 29 points30 points ago

Obviously Diatom67 shops at a different kind of grocery store.

[–]Kerbobotat 21 points22 points ago

"Welcome to Lovecrafts Emporium! That is not dead which can eternal lie, but when They see our huge range of sales and offers even Death, may die!"

[–]The_FactSphere 0 points1 point ago

Wouldn't work, he needs to be in water.

[–]chockle 1 point2 points ago

[–]Zammin 0 points1 point ago

I kinda laughed out loud when that happened. Here he was, for years being made fun of because one of his powers was being able to summon fish, and then he dies. When he comes back, what happens? His most ridiculed ability gets even worse, as the sealife he summons are zombies that attack him instead of helping him out.

[–]seejay2 26 points27 points ago

Damn, Aquaman is badass! When it says that batman made him a water suit, I couldn't stop thinking of this.

[–]beatskin 46 points47 points ago

The Lady of the Lake gives him a replacement hand, which does about 10 amazing things, but seem appropriate for a hand made of water.. e.g. dehydrate people, change shape, become hot. Then randomly, it has "the ability to create portals into mystical dimensions"? WAT?

[–]EarthRester 29 points30 points ago

No, I can see this. Through out history water has had a strong connection to "magic", so it's not that crazy for a hand made of magical water to have strong magical properties.

[–]anuhope 42 points43 points ago

I too am a water magic scholar.

[–]propaglandist 18 points19 points ago

Let me play you the song of my people

GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG

[–]beatskin 12 points13 points ago

That's fine - it's all magic - but it has some element of realism. e.g. the magic of dehydrating your victim. Or controlling the water.. they're all water based magics. Opening portals to new dimensions is the only one that doesn't flow. Might as well use an eggplant to do the same job.

[–]Superguy2876 16 points17 points ago

Water has often had connotation of being a "portal" to another world, first and foremost is the fact that life underwater is vastly different to life above water. Water is also often used as a medium to see over great distances or into other worlds in many fantasy stories.

Then there is the idea of a portal pool, the idea that water is a true medium for transfer to another world, explained here in TVTropes

[–]TheInternetHivemind 2 points3 points ago

TVTropes: 1

My chances of getting anything done today: 0

[–]nekrod 1 point2 points ago

No, EarthRester just explained how water is tied to magic. Maybe the portal would have to be in water, how does that flow for you? A portal made out of water, makes sense to me.... Portal made from eggplant no.

[–]Super_Dork_42 3 points4 points ago

Have you seen Stargate? The thing flushes like a toilet.

[–]EagerSlothWrangler 2 points3 points ago

Water reflects images of the mirror realm and has long been used to scry distant times and places.

[–]DrScrambledEggplants 2 points3 points ago

Did you say eggplant?

[–]PunsDeLeon 3 points4 points ago

Yours are all scrambled up, they'll be of no use opening magic portals.

[–]nibbling_totoros 3 points4 points ago

Blue magic the gathering players unite!

[–]ralexs1991 0 points1 point ago

Aww yes I love my Blue Jace mill deck!

[–]beatskin 0 points1 point ago

Good point. Though I never understood why everyone didn't want the Black and Red decks like me. They just seem so much cooler than Spirit, Forest and Water.

[–]Paladia 29 points30 points ago

I think generally speaking the superheroes have too much powers, which is what makes the "weaker" ones, such as Batman or Spiderman, the most interesting.

Take for example Franklin Richards, just one of his multitude of powers is:

  • Reality Manipulation: Ability to manipulate reality itself. Practically omnipotent reality warping powers on a potentially infinite level.

Ability to change anything in reality to anything at any time or even create a new reality. That sure makes it an even and interesting fight when he fights the bad guys..

[–]Deseao 19 points20 points ago

It's why I like The Doctor. Dude can regenerate, has two hearts, and can't be choked. That's it. Nothing extravagant. He has a screwdriver and a blue box, but he manages to do so much.

[–]gigaquack 15 points16 points ago

Yeah but between his screwdriver and his blue box there's about 20 superheroes worth of Plot Magic, the strongest force known to man.

[–]GordonMcFreeman 10 points11 points ago

Er, not JUST a blue box. A sentient time and space machine that contains enough time energy to grant someone complete and utter omnipotence or even destroy the entirety of the universe.

[–]Mexi_Cant 12 points13 points ago

A powerful blue box then.

[–]GordonMcFreeman 0 points1 point ago

In layman's terms, I suppose

[–]centauriproxima 0 points1 point ago

Unless you're talking about the Superhero named the Doctor, who is pretty much all-powerful with his magic.

[–]SimianWriter 3 points4 points ago

Which is why he was the subject of an entire series in which he was able to warp reality when he was dating the Phoenix. Days of Future Present I think it was called. Pretty good too.

[–]IAmTheYouTube 3 points4 points ago

So.. He's a god then.

[–]braveheart18 1 point2 points ago

Which is why Watchman was fucking fantastic with the way they handled Dr. Manhattan.

[–]Metalstorm98 1 point2 points ago

You're forgetting the way comics are written though. The more powerful heroes are inevitably up against the most powerful villains. Its why spider-man is rarely seen fighting Galactus and its why batman can't touch darkseid without assistance from the justice league.

[–]MuffinatorXIII 7 points8 points ago

okay apparently Aquaman is fucking awesome, good to know.

[–]EarthRester 4 points5 points ago

TIL another neat lore fact that I cannot bring up to anyone without sounding like a loser.

[–]cthulhusmom 4 points5 points ago

Well, he is in serious trouble if he doesn't get his filthy fins off my boy! The big bully!

[–]AlexanderMoore2 3 points4 points ago

I think a lot of people forget that he's also a king and his own personal army, in addition to his powers. If it's in the ocean, it's likely well within Atlantis's jurisdiction, and in any battle over the ocean, they have a great environmental advantage. If you were fighting Atlantis on their home front, you'd be lost while they totally rip you to pieces. They may have less offensive power against land because of environmental restrictions (unless they were capable of making WMDs, which I'm certain they could), but that also means they have huge defensive capabilities for the same reason.

This makes him a considerable war asset or enemy.

Sorry if I'm bringing this into too much of a military like thinking. Aqua Man alone is a great deal of his own overall power though.

[–]paradoksikal 14 points15 points ago

Yeah but those are lame powers given to him because he wasn't powerful enough before. They aren't really folded into the fabric of his character, at least not yet.

[–]MufasaJesus 0 points1 point ago

So when are we going to see an aquaman film?

[–]GreatBigJerk 1 point2 points ago

I found this line pretty hilarious: However, when Batman invented Aquaman's water suit he was able to walk on land for an indefinite amount of time and was no longer vulnerable to a "dehumidifier".

[–]ViralInfection 0 points1 point ago

[–]MrObjector 0 points1 point ago

To think he was once vulnerable to a dehumidifier... >.>

[–]LuxNocte 1 point2 points ago

The ability to control water is really powerful. Bloodbending anyone?

[–]uberguby 66 points67 points ago

Aquaman's lack of power. A myth perpetuated by people who haven't read aqua man.

[–]Sryden42 36 points37 points ago

People say he has stupid powers, not that they aren't powerful.

[–]arzthaus 22 points23 points ago

They only say his powers are stupid because they are jealous.

[–]Sryden42 8 points9 points ago

Only because stupid powers are still better than no powers.

I doubt Thor, Superman, Dr. Manhatten, etc are very jealous.

[–]GreatBigJerk 20 points21 points ago

Batman has no powers and he's perfectly fine, aside from being crazy.

[–]lowguns3 18 points19 points ago

You might even say he's... Bat-shit insane

[–]Revikus 10 points11 points ago

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!

[–]uberguby -1 points0 points ago

Just before infinite crisis when the spectre goes insane the writers at DC very strongly imply that there is a meta who's only power is always making the green light.

[–]rocketwidget 1 point2 points ago

Thor and Dr. Manhattan are not jealous because they've never heard of Aquaman! And Superman isn't really one to feel jealousy.

[–]Donigleus 5 points6 points ago

Like so many other things, I blame The Big Bang Theory for introducing this to the plebs.

[–]uberguby 40 points41 points ago

People have been hating on Aquaman for way longer than The Big Bang theory.

edit: ... what other things do you blame on the big bag theory, as long as we're here?

[–]JakeyG14 7 points8 points ago

Dumbasses liking "science".

[–]FlutterDash00 1 point2 points ago

I think that's a bit of reddit's doing.

[–]Wilhelm_Amenbreak 3 points4 points ago

I distinctly recall a Saturday Night Live back in the early 90s where they were clearly making fun of Aquaman. I think it was a skit that was supposed to be at Superman's funeral.

Edit: accidently a word

[–]Cytochrome_C 4 points5 points ago

People saying bazinger

[–]Sentient_Waffle 3 points4 points ago

It's "Bazinga!" and I hate it too.

[–]kantorekB14 38 points39 points ago

Cthulhu is not a sea creature, he just happens to be residing there.

[–]curzon176 13 points14 points ago

Ya i was thinking the same thing. Although it's cool, maybe the artist should have drawn the Kraken from Greek Mythology instead.

[–]theomossop 1 point2 points ago

A Kraken approaches!

[–]scratchingnose 9 points10 points ago

[–]Tralertrashmash 7 points8 points ago

Title reminded me of Cliff. Metal!

[–]misterfanwank 7 points8 points ago

Well... Fuck. Now Aquaman's my favorite DC hero.

[–]forgotmypassword606 5 points6 points ago

I love that, Hal Jordan is just looking on like, "well, fuck."

[–]Boozy_Waffles 9 points10 points ago

Where's that from? It looks awesome.

[–]ICouldEatAKnobAtNite 6 points7 points ago

The New 52 Justice League comic. Aside from not handling Superman all that well, the comic itself is pretty good.

[–]Boozy_Waffles 1 point2 points ago

Cool, thanks. I may well have to check that out at some point.

[–]drunksaver 1 point2 points ago

Hell yes he is. The rebooted Aquaman books have easily been my favorite from the new 52.

[–]BigDeadi 11 points12 points ago

I've always wondered. How do you pronounce Cthulhu?

[–]NotTheNews 67 points68 points ago

This is incorrect. Lovecraft stated that Cthulhu's name is unpronounceable by humans, the closest we can do is "Khlûl'-hloo" (Clooloo/Clulu)

But don't pronounce it like this. It singles you out as a tit.

Also, Cthulhu is not a sea creature. It just happens to be dead and dreaming at the bottom of the sea and Aquaman would have no power over it.

/Pedant-rant

[–]paradoksikal 9 points10 points ago

How is it dead? What killed it?

[–]highTrolla 41 points42 points ago

WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE.

[–]regisfrost 11 points12 points ago

BUT RISES... oh shit.

[–]highTrolla 5 points6 points ago

I'm pretty sure GRRM was referencing Lovecraft with the Greyjoy's "Drowned God".

[–]Nukemarine 2 points3 points ago

BUT RISES, STRONGER

[–]Speckles 14 points15 points ago

Lovecraft did not specify. He was pretty big on describing an outline of something terrible and weird then letting the reader fill in the details.

[–]propaglandist 7 points8 points ago

The stars were wrong.

These Great Old Ones, Castro continued, were not composed altogether of flesh and blood. They had shape - for did not this star-fashioned image prove it? - but that shape was not made of matter. When the stars were right, They could plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars were wrong, They could not live. But although They no longer lived, They would never really die.

[–]Mcflexington 2 points3 points ago

I keep reading it, but can't imagine how it sounds. Can someone vocaroo this shit or something?

[–]propaglandist 8 points9 points ago

Can someone vocaroo this shit

...

name is unpronounceable by humans

[–]Mcflexington 2 points3 points ago

I meant can someone vocaroo the "closest we can do". GOSH.

[–]OBrien 0 points1 point ago

Fhtagn man, get it together.

[–]BigDeadi 1 point2 points ago

Thank you, I looked up the wiki page but was still confused, didn't think of checking youtube.

[–]ch4os1337 0 points1 point ago

While that's the most common way of saying it it's actually more like kth'oo'ul'oo I believe.

[–]RevWaldo 2 points3 points ago

In this audiobook, they pronounced it "thoo-loo", with a bit of a "k" at the beginning.

[–]JamersonRosenburg 6 points7 points ago

Metallica knows all about The call

[–]femaiden 3 points4 points ago

Nothing beats the S&M version of it. I don't know if Metallica was ever so tight live as those recordings.

[–]Zhumanchu 5 points6 points ago

I guess he's going to get Old God-school on their ass.

[–]rumnscurvy 2 points3 points ago

Old one, not Old God. Cthulhu, as unfathomable as he may be, is still in the great scale of things merely an Old One (admittedly a Great Old One at that), there are worse things going by the name of Outer Gods, of even more intangible yet intrinsic nature.

[–]Zhumanchu 0 points1 point ago

I got schooled in lovecraft lore there.

[–]i_piss_in_jars 0 points1 point ago

can someone explain who cthulhu is?

[–]Draziil 2 points3 points ago

Has anyone seen the justice league version of him recently? He looks like a Nordic God, rippling with muscle and long flowing hair. Dude's been working out these days.

[–]Nepharyte 0 points1 point ago

Only in a Derlethian's wet dream.

[–]loudarwin45 0 points1 point ago

Aquaman .. bossman!

[–]phab3k 0 points1 point ago

more like the power of aquaman

[–]nish_reaper 0 points1 point ago

Don't forget, the Kraken's in there too

[–]kala1928 1 point2 points ago

This would be the most epic superhero turned into super villain ever

[–]bubba9999 1 point2 points ago

This would be good for a segment on Robot Chicken.

[–]pookie74 0 points1 point ago

Beautiful.

[–]laskeblask 1 point2 points ago

Hey, Look Cthulhu has Seaman on his back

[–]shit-head 1 point2 points ago

[–]BringingTheGreatness -1 points0 points ago

Am I the only one who sees this as a repost?

[–]treefruit 0 points1 point ago

OUTRAGEOUS !

[–]shlam16 0 points1 point ago

I came here expecting to see rage from Lovecraftians about Cthulhu being branded a 'sea-creature' and I am somewhat disappointed, everyone else is focussing on Aquagay. For clarification at least, he is a cosmic entity and essentially a God (in the mythos, of course), not some freaky sea-creature.

[–]RickRussellTX 1 point2 points ago

[–]Everyoneheresamoron 0 points1 point ago

http://jl.toonzone.net/ichthultu/ichthultu.htm

Justice League and Chthulhu. Not really cannon, but still a good story about the old gods and Aquaman.

[–]Mortarius 1 point2 points ago

Roll for sanity loss.

[–]hardgeeklife 0 points1 point ago

OUTRAGEOUS!

I shall call this adventure: The Time Chtulluh and I Went to the Mall!

[–]AlanLolspan -1 points0 points ago

Thanks for reminding me about the worst South Park episodes of all time.

[–]The_Horny_Goat 0 points1 point ago

Mintberry CRUNCH!!!

[–]rjdrums26 0 points1 point ago

How on earth do you pronounce Cthulhu? I've always wondered but forgot to ask?

[–]Furycrab -1 points0 points ago

Aquaman still sucks.

[–]RTHREEB 0 points1 point ago

I believe in Cthulhu because the Psuedonomicon told me to.

[–]Bpbegha -1 points0 points ago

You still useless Aquaman

[–]IcySwag -1 points0 points ago

Ultimately, Cthulhu is doing all the work. Aquaman is just some dude barking orders while not doing any work. Poor leadership in my opinion.

[–]CheeseInABowl 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only one that think the guy in the picture looks like Mermaid Man back in the old days?

[–]KingZuul 0 points1 point ago

He just hasn't been the same since they replaced Vincent Chase.

[–]RevisionD 0 points1 point ago

Oh Aquaman, delusion is a sign of insanity. You've fallen for Cthulhu's trap.

[–]syriquez 0 points1 point ago

Aquaman in the DC Animated Universe (Justice League/Unlimited) is actually a badass.

[–]RobbleDobble 0 points1 point ago

Nice try, but Cthulhu isn't a sea creature

[–]primateoverlord 0 points1 point ago

Hulk would still kick his ass.

[–]tubbstosterone 0 points1 point ago

Even if Cthulhu WAS a sea creature, the ability to summon Cthulhu at will is kinda a retarded power. That's like the ability to summon a bullet in the head.

[–]seltzerbottle 0 points1 point ago

cthulhu's not a sea creature. aquaman could never control him

[–]Gr8_Whyt_G4m3r 0 points1 point ago

Aquaman AND Aqualad are the lamest superheroes. Cthulu could do better aka Namor

[–]Cratopia81 0 points1 point ago

\m\O.O/m/ METALLICA!!!!

[–]flawlesslylogical 0 points1 point ago

Anyone who thinks controlling water isn't badass has forgotten that scene in fellowship when Arwen fucks the Ringwraiths shit up with a tidal wave of sea horses.

[–]rexxyaa 0 points1 point ago

Poor sea-man

[–]DangerMouseToby 0 points1 point ago

Nobody could talk shit about sea based super heroes without catching a smack to the face by Namor

[–]fallopian_wolf 0 points1 point ago

I don't know.

I still think Aquaman is bitch-made.

[–]Msj2705 0 points1 point ago

If your power is based on summoning others to fight for you, you're basically the guy with a rape whistle.