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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Flylighter 672 points673 points ago

So look, if I ever had a baby, boy or girl, I would absolutely need this pacifier.

But I don't want kids, so I came up with a better idea... make up 5 or 6 of these pacifiers, and slip them into the mouths of babies at the mall while their moms aren't looking. SURPRISE BABY MUSTACHE

[–]llandar 545 points546 points ago

Man arrested in local mall for feeding babies hair. Stay tuned for the full story.

[–]MirroredColors 153 points154 points ago

What this means for your weekend, coming up after the break.

[–]caninehere 44 points45 points ago

Fighting the frizzies at 11.

[–]PixelVector 27 points28 points ago

Your baby's life is in DANGER! Find out why at 11.

[–]pagaladmee 54 points55 points ago

A man, who frequents Child pornography boards like reddit, that proudly host creepshots, was caught inserting objects into children's mouths.

[–]overusedoxymoron 3 points4 points ago

Thanks for the laugh. That was great.

[–]la5te 55 points56 points ago

"SURPRISE BABY MUSTACHE"

Sounds like a facial hair growing kit for kids, or a sex move...

[–]IndieGamerRid 4 points5 points ago

It sounds like an alternative name for the stereotypical rapist 'stache.

[–]FarmerTedd 6 points7 points ago

Not sure, but that's what I yell when I take my pants off

[–]canhazhotness[S] 83 points84 points ago

This idea makes me happy.

[–]JPNasty 1 point2 points ago

And put acid on them....or is that too far.

[–]TigerRat1 58 points59 points ago

holy shit where can i buy this. my nephew needs one!!

[–]jpcrecom 15 points16 points ago

Still can't find a place to buy this specific one, but I at least found the original source:

http://www.mabyn.com/portrait/masons-first-photo-shoot/

[–]edujoe 14 points15 points ago

Hmm. It doesn't look like a pacifier in that shot. Just looks like a sticky mustache on the baby's lip. We've all been tricked!

[–]Circ-Le-Jerk 8 points9 points ago

Aww... So it's not even a pacifier, just a fake mustache put on the baby.

OP! You sit on throne of lies... I hope the karma is worth it, in hell!

[–]canhazhotness[S] 42 points43 points ago

http://www.etsy.com/search?q=mustache+pacifier

I couldn't actually find the one pictured, but there are some.

[–]soggit 40 points41 points ago

These are whack. They're just regular pacifiers with cut out foam mustaches.

I want the one in the OP's pic where it's fucking a thing of fur and you cant even tell it's a pacifier.

[–]namegoeswhere 10 points11 points ago

If I can't find one, I'm just going to buy a fake mustache and glue it to a pacifier.

[–]TigerRat1 8 points9 points ago

ahhh etsy. i should have known to go there. Thanks a bunch!!!

[–]greg19735 15 points16 points ago

make sure you don't get something shitty. if you're giving it to a baby you don't want it swallowing bits of mustache and glue.

[–]DorkusMalorkuss 19 points20 points ago

But if you're giving it to an adult, let them eat all the mustache and glue they want.

[–]Katesola 15 points16 points ago

I found this on amazon but FYI it doesn't come with the baby

[–]Slowbrochill17 17 points18 points ago

WHAT A RIP OFF

[–]ThisIsWhyImBroke 2 points3 points ago

The OP's version appears to be an incredibly made DIY mustache pacifier.

If you are lazy though here's a purchase link to a similar mustache pacifier

[–]Ennil 3 points4 points ago

Awww and there's a little tuxedo bib. Someone with kids buy these and reap some karma stat!

[–]badwigbandit 4 points5 points ago

[–]canhazhotness[S] 2 points3 points ago

It may be super easy to make. Ill check it out.

[–]TigerRat1 20 points21 points ago

im sure it would be, but i am an astoundingly lazy man.

[–]CONGART 2 points3 points ago

SO LAZY

[–]batkevn 2 points3 points ago

My niece needs one.

[–]RowdyD[!] 2 points3 points ago

Just have him grow a mustache.

[–]MonsterMargaret 818 points819 points ago

This makes me want to make a baby.

Edit: Wow. I never thought I would see this many upvotes in my entire life. Thank you everyone on reddit who found me funny today!

[–]itaintdatbad 516 points517 points ago

This makes me want to make a mustache.

[–]Yupvotes 92 points93 points ago

A stachifier if you will

[–]doublsh0t 12 points13 points ago

Stachifier™

Mine now.

[–]Battletooth 377 points378 points ago

This makes me want to learn necromancy and bring my miscarriage back to life.

Edit: here are some screenshots of the very unique responses I'm getting to this message.

Pic 1 Pic 2 Pic 3

Edit 2: So my top comment with well over 600 karma yesterday was about sticking my finger in my butthole in the heat of the moment. Today, this will likely be my top comment. Oh reddit, this is why I love you.

[–]EricThePooh 665 points666 points ago

ಠ෴ಠ

[–]jbenz 105 points106 points ago

This is exactly what Tom Selleck looks like every time Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson lose that baby.

[–]ooo0ooo 30 points31 points ago

If they had had a baby with a mustache would the movie have just been called "Four Men"?

[–]jbenz 11 points12 points ago

Or would it be called Two Men and Two Mustache-less Losers.

Sniff I want so badly to grow a mustache. Stupid hairless face!

[–]daimposter 5 points6 points ago

Three and half men

[–]SBecker30 49 points50 points ago

The moustache of disapproval.....Just like dads. sigh

[–]lethargicwalrus 35 points36 points ago

9/10 would ctrl c again.

[–]Battletooth 41 points42 points ago

ʘ෴ʘ

Oh my, your face caught me by surprise, good sir.

[–]SamWilber 10 points11 points ago

10/10

[–]my_name_isnt_clever 2 points3 points ago

Aww man, on mobile I only see three small rectangles.

[–]Swenyspeed 51 points52 points ago

Always remember the law of equivalent exchange my dude.. Shit is real.

[–]Gorlack2231 58 points59 points ago

Water, 35 litres. Carbon, 20kg. Ammonia, 4 litres. Lime, 1.5kg. Phosperus, 800g. Salt, 250 g. Niter, 100g. Sulphur, 80g. Fluorine, 7.5g. Iron, 5g. Silicon 3g. And trace amounts of fifteen other elements.

[–]slartbarg 28 points29 points ago

It's the trace amounts that get ya every time

[–]apteryx_274 18 points19 points ago

Scumbag Vanadium: Essential, but only in infinitesimally small amounts.!

[–]slartbarg 4 points5 points ago

Like the douche who always shows up to a party but brings lots of booze

[–]bejouled 4 points5 points ago

I upvoted all the references in this thread, but this one I read in Ed's (Vic McDerpaDerp's) voice. Thanks. That was pretty cool.

[–]Athurio 3 points4 points ago

Mustache is one of them.

[–]Shazia_The_Proud 18 points19 points ago

You could always try human transmutation. I can't promise that there won't be horrible side-effects, though.

[–]duckofdeath27 41 points42 points ago

It's an option, but it costs an arm and a leg.

[–]pleasedrinkbleach 9 points10 points ago

Don't twist my arm or anything...

[–]canhazhotness[S] 64 points65 points ago

Not sure if upvote or downvote. ಠ_ಠ

[–]The51stState 8 points9 points ago

That's the spirit!

[–]danrennt98 16 points17 points ago

Necromancer: LEVEL UP!

[–]RadiusOfTheFun 5 points6 points ago

yikes

[–]FloppyCatfish 16 points17 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Alienmonkey 1 point2 points ago

wasn't that the plot of a vin diesel movie?

[–]wutwutgoose 11 points12 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

...

...

...

ಠ_ಠ

[–]fulvous 8 points9 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]danrennt98 1 point2 points ago

This makes me want to play the mustache drinking game.

[–]heardlb 38 points39 points ago

Just buy one. It's faster

[–]Whodini 55 points56 points ago

Faster. Yes. But cute white babies are prohibitively expensive.

[–]CookPu 29 points30 points ago

As someone whose wife is wanting to having a cute white baby soon, great...

[–]Whodini 72 points73 points ago

If you are both white I know a relatively cheap way of making this happen. PM me and I'll explain.

[–]Frafn 48 points49 points ago

[–]Boner_Pushup 3 points4 points ago

As a doctor, I support this gif

[–]zipzap21 6 points7 points ago

Cloning? In Vitro Fertilization? Don't leave us hanging!

[–]jbenz 31 points32 points ago

It is my understanding that if you rub your no-no places together, your wife will attain a human parasite that will turn into a baby in nine months.

[–]JasonGD1982 3 points4 points ago

She just has to have a 10 minute meeting with whodini in private.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 30 points31 points ago

Before you can have a cute white baby, you must first make sure that both you and your wife are white.

[–]CookPu 37 points38 points ago

"For shizzle my nizzle." White enough?

[–]canhazhotness[S] 56 points57 points ago

By god, I think you'll be just fine.

[–]lethargicwalrus 7 points8 points ago

It takes almost two years to get an adoption.

[–]Ruckus35 3 points4 points ago

It only takes 5 minutes to steal one from a daycare.

[–]CookPu 2 points3 points ago

You both make very strong arguments...

[–]heardlb 13 points14 points ago

Try one of the penny auction sites. Sometimes you can get lucky.

[–]lethargicwalrus 15 points16 points ago

I hear those Chinese girl babies go for cheap.

[–]theSanguinePenguin 11 points12 points ago

Why not just get a black one then? They are adorable, and their parents are always dying and leaving them to wealthy white godparents.

Source: 1980's sitcoms

[–]HumbleCuntDestroyer 14 points15 points ago

We all want a white baby but let's be real, who has the time to be white these days?

Well now you can! I'm selling my seed to anyone who's ever wanted a precious, safe white baby of their own for three easy payments of $19.99 USD.

You'll get:

  • 5'10 175lbs 10% b.f. 6.5 inch penis

  • Italian and Irish heritage (no gingers in bloodline)

  • Black hair, hazel eyes, olive skin

  • O-negative blood type

UNIVERSAL DONER!

And much, much more!

Message: HumbleCuntDestroyer for further details. What are you waiting for? You're not getting any whiter!

Surrogate not provided

[–]fifthrider 10 points11 points ago

[–]Insert_delete 3 points4 points ago

tl;dr having kids can have a net positive effect on your bottom line.

Not as expensive as you think, nothing, NOTHING, raises your performance and execution like having a baby. You will discover reservoirs of strength, endurance, power, energy, focus, organisation not to mention laser-guided goal setting and achievement. Yes, this doesn't happen to every teenage condom accident but if you are planning kids, I claim the above scenario as an incentivised outcome.

Have kids, raise them the best you can, love them and let them go. I can think of few more joyful ways to spend your time on this planet.

Having kids may even jack up your nervous system to such a peak you write that novel finally or cure AIDS or finish building that Unruh-Minkowski FTL engine that's been gathering dust in your garage.

Edit: Accidental space.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 10 points11 points ago

You can do that?

[–]Frozenshades 22 points23 points ago

Or you can just borrow one without the owner's permission. They won't mind.

[–]itsmoist 8 points9 points ago

ebay.com

[–]drumstyx 51 points52 points ago

ebaby.com

[–]lethargicwalrus 15 points16 points ago

craigbaby.com

[–]Asmodiar_ 20 points21 points ago

Trust me, you don't want a craigbaby.com baby.

[–]danrennt98 13 points14 points ago

babyzon.com

[–]Skizot_Bizot 7 points8 points ago

Heard someone wanted a baby made? Just point me in the right direction! I am on the case!

[–]Golanlan 5 points6 points ago

yes. He wants to make a baby. With his sperm.

[–]Skizot_Bizot 6 points7 points ago

Man sucks his parents named him Margaret.

[–]WhistleHouseRecords 110 points111 points ago

Nobody finds this pacifier funnier than the man holding the baby.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 55 points56 points ago

His face kills me. lol

[–]Lillipout 18 points19 points ago

It looks like it came right out of the stock photo catalog.

[–]Foe_Geodude 16 points17 points ago

Yeah whoever replaced that salad with a baby must be a wiz with photoshop.

[–]tokeyoh 4 points5 points ago

He looks like he's about to fumble

[–]epicitous1 252 points253 points ago

I love how happy the dude is at the bottom. Like hes been holding the baby for a solid 20 minutes, but the stache is still making him loose his shit.

[–]Romney_thought 85 points86 points ago

[–]DoritoStyle 68 points69 points ago

maybe he is laughing hard enough to loose his shit as well.

[–]jbenz 20 points21 points ago

Still, it would be "loosen". I confirm the original grammar nazi's grammar-nazi-ing.

[–]Fordiman 12 points13 points ago

Nah. He could loose his shit as one would loose the hounds. Totally legit.

[–]Cast_Iron_Skillet 7 points8 points ago

False. The word loose can be used to describe a release of some sort. E.g. "Loose the arrows!"

"loose the poo!"

[–]powersurge360 7 points8 points ago

Loose as a verb means "set free" or "release", which still works.

See: "The hounds have been loosed".

[–]Cacafuego 4 points5 points ago

I think I recognize the baby's expression: he's been giving a little laugh and then watching the guy to see if he laughs, too. My kids did the head back, crinkly-eyed, watching expectantly thing.

[–]Romney_thought 281 points282 points ago

Ron Swanson: The early years

[–]canhazhotness[S] 126 points127 points ago

Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Okay.

Thank you. Actually, I don't think you understood what I am telling you. What I think you heard was 'give me a lot of bacon and eggs' when what I am actually saying is, 'give me ALL of the bacon and eggs that you have.' Understand?

[–]9mmAndA3pcSuit 74 points75 points ago

You had me at meat tornado.

[–]Romney_thought 38 points39 points ago

Yep. I've seen that episode too!!

[–]Daibhead 83 points84 points ago

The last panel would be the greatest manbaby faceswap ever.

[–]EatedIt 142 points143 points ago

[–]Punkwolf 41 points42 points ago

You even put mustaches on the people in the background. Nice work Johnson your promoted!

[–]canhazhotness[S] 13 points14 points ago

You're*

[–]Punkwolf 9 points10 points ago

You're fired.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 8 points9 points ago

That's better.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 1 point2 points ago

This requires more attention. So awesome.

[–]tomatomato 45 points46 points ago

[–]Sigward 295 points296 points ago

You're fired

[–]NickDerpkins 64 points65 points ago

Pack up your stuff and leave your mustache in my office

[–]Kira_kappuke-ki 14 points15 points ago

Poor Tom Tucker.

[–]jbenz 11 points12 points ago

But I never really worked here...

[–]nikpappagiorgio 12 points13 points ago

that's what makes this so difficult.

[–]lethargicwalrus 5 points6 points ago

This needs to be sent to r/photoshopbattles.

[–]arpse 27 points28 points ago

4/10 good effort

[–]doeldougie 11 points12 points ago

You're right.

[–]sqarishoctagon 5 points6 points ago

A masterpiece.

[–]Link_to_spacedicks 6 points7 points ago

perfect.

[–]FictionalGeorge 4 points5 points ago

Well, shit.

[–]danrennt98 6 points7 points ago

well.. you certainly tried.

[–]SorasNobody 30 points31 points ago

Like this? imgur...

[–]scarleteagle 34 points35 points ago

terrifying

[–]canhazhotness[S] 4 points5 points ago

YES. Somebody needs to do this.

[–]electricfire 16 points17 points ago

I see you found baby pictures of Freddie Mercury.

[–]doeldougie 13 points14 points ago

The only important post in this entire thread is going to be a link on where to buy one.

[–]jpcrecom 5 points6 points ago

source: http://www.mabyn.com/portrait/masons-first-photo-shoot/

Looks like it's probably not a pacifier, just a fake 'stache

[–]mijazma 181 points182 points ago

WRONG, the manliest pacifier is a boob. class dismissed.

[–]headphonehalo 33 points34 points ago

Boobs aren't very manly.

[–]Asplundh 3 points4 points ago

Having one in your mouth is apparently.

[–]load_more_comets 4 points5 points ago

This pacifies me.

[–]BenTG 6 points7 points ago

Both sexes suck on titties when they're babies, but I upvoted this hilarious comment nonetheless.

[–]mijazma 3 points4 points ago

yes girls suck on titties too, but only lesbians actually like it.

[–]13gendarie 9 points10 points ago

Third picture..whats that in the lower left corner? (black or brown). It's bothering me! Lol. Help :)

[–]IComeHereForTheCats 3 points4 points ago

That would be a dried up umbilical cord.

[–]canhazhotness[S] 22 points23 points ago

DIY

Instead of just using felt, you can substitute with a much hairier material for the most Ron Swanson-iest 'stache for your baby. Apparently this is a super easy DIY.

[–]ehand87 5 points6 points ago

I would just like to urge everyone who is planning on making this for a real live baby to be very conscious of the material you choose to use. Babies can't do much more than breathe, eat, and poop, so make sure to pick something that won't shed or give off lint to reduce the risk of accidental inhalation. You should also use non-toxic adhesives in case of ingestion.

That covers breathing and eating, but there's nothing you can do to decrease the risk of your baby making enormous, full-grown-lumberjack sized diaper deposits now that you've increased their manliness coefficient. It's the nature of the beast.

[–]Goobz24 17 points18 points ago

Blah blah blah god's work blah blah

[–]Was_going_2_say_that 20 points21 points ago

do they come in hitler?

[–]lollygagga 6 points7 points ago

In the third picture, is that a piece of dried up umbilical cord?

[–]big_onion 5 points6 points ago

[–]Taodyn 13 points14 points ago

Bring me all the titties and milk you have.

[–]Couldntstoplaughing 5 points6 points ago

Fucking baby Mario!

[–]Mikey-2-Guns 3 points4 points ago

That's not a pacifier, that's Overly Manly Man when he was born.

[–]msfoote 4 points5 points ago

Shut up and take my money. Where is the kickstarter :)

[–]JARocks94 2 points3 points ago

I feel he needs bushy eyebrows to match. A novelty beanie maybe?

[–]amado7786 2 points3 points ago

The last Picture looks like the baby is trying to pull the diaper down to pee in your face .LAUGH AT ME NOW "MOTHERFUCKER"

[–]EricThePooh 2 points3 points ago

SMASHING!

[–]ShineMeRicky 2 points3 points ago

No link on where to buy this thing? My friend is having a boy in December and I think this is a must buy.

[–]cydril 2 points3 points ago

Way to make babies look even more like Winston Churchill.

[–]AMostOriginalUserNam 2 points3 points ago

The guy at the bottom seems to be in some kind pf physical distress.

Stop taking photos and help him!

[–]HopeRidesAlone 2 points3 points ago

The last picture really makes this.

[–]Too_the_point 0 points1 point ago

This should stay the top post on r/funny for a month.

[–]untrustableskeptic 2 points3 points ago

I am so hairy I am sure my baby will be born just like this. God I better not have a daughter.

[–]technokitty 0 points1 point ago

Where was this when my son was born?! I am extremely displeased.

[–]drunk2407 2 points3 points ago

choke hazard

[–]70camaro 2 points3 points ago

How'd you get Ron Swanson's baby photos?

[–]morelove 2 points3 points ago

er NOT a pacifier. just a mustache stuck on a baby. Note lack of anything actually in the baby's mouth. Note how awesome that mustache is on the baby's face.

[–]aerota 0 points1 point ago

[–]split71 4 points5 points ago

pinterest ಠ_ಠ

[–]EmmieeRosee 2 points3 points ago

I'm pretty sure it's a stick on mustache and not a pacifier.

[–]xxivvii 3 points4 points ago

Pacifier may be manliest ever, but pinterest.com? Yeah, but the URL hosting the image just knocked points off of my man-card for visiting.

[–]steenarie 1 point2 points ago

How to make your baby a cuter version of Benjamin Button in one easy step.

[–]nikkomorocco 1 point2 points ago

That is awesome, it looks like Mr. Spacely's mustache from the Jetsons.

[–]CajunTurkey 1 point2 points ago

I can't see the pacifier with that baby's moustache covering it.

[–]umphreakmcgee 1 point2 points ago

Somebody give this kid a steak! Rare!

[–]easyeight 1 point2 points ago

There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

[–]Thediepend 1 point2 points ago

I'm buying one of these for my future child, boy or girl. I don't even care

[–]medicineman1525 1 point2 points ago

buying this for my god son

[–]GeoM56 -1 points0 points ago

They should make a tampon version.

[–]oduh 1 point2 points ago

SUATMM!

[–]sarahnocal 1 point2 points ago

Yep having something stuck in your mouth is definitely manly. Big babies all of them..

[–]piginthecity 1 point2 points ago

Perfectly completes a Baby Mario Halloween costume.

[–]scosee 1 point2 points ago

That baby is manlier than his dad, who only has a pussy little artist goatee.

[–]C_X_C 1 point2 points ago

[–]jarjarbinx 1 point2 points ago

They should have one that looks like Bane

[–]dipshittery 0 points1 point ago

The last picture looks like they're both laughing maniacally. Mwahahaha

[–]meatwad75892 1 point2 points ago

I misread that as "manliest pacifist". I don't know what I was expecting, either.

[–]mememellie 0 points1 point ago

until Uncle Tony decides to pull a good ol' prank and cut some length off the moustache.

[–]neeghairs 0 points1 point ago

If I'm elected President I will make it mandatory for every male baby to use one of these at all times. American babies are the manliest of babies and we need to let the world recognize this fact.

EDIT: Every adult male should wear one as well if his naturally occurring mustache is inadequate.

[–]MagillaGorillasHat 0 points1 point ago

Love the Mustachifier.