this post was submitted on
2,016 points (54% like it)
12,065 up votes 10,049 down votes

funny

subscribe2,536,466 readers

12,708 users here now

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

all 152 comments

[–]sashimi_taco 100 points101 points ago

When I was very little in Hawaii, my parents took me to this place that had kids play with dolphins. I didn't know what a dolphin was because I was about 3 or 4. All I remember is my parents telling me to go into the water with the other kids and a FUCKING SEA MONSTER CAME OUT AND STARTED SCREECHING AT ME!

"Pet it's skin" they trainer said. As I touched the rubbery flesh of this cold predator, its eye looked upon me. Fear ran through my body as they told me about this "dolphin" that ate innocent fish hiding form them in the sand.

Then the trainer told me to pet it's tongue. The creature opened it's mouth to reveal a mouth filled with razor sharp teeth. This must be some sort of sick torture. My parents are trying to sacrifice me to the dolphins to ensure the safety of the island from their wrath. My sister took my hand and put it on the tongue and laughed. They all laughed and I cried in fear of this creature of cold flesh and fangs that came from the watery depths.

But anyway I've played with dolphins since and it was pretty nice. Also some beluga whales.

[–]eighthgear 40 points41 points ago

Your childhood suspicions were right. Dolphins are cunning and viscous predators, and frequently assholes, to boot. Rather like humans, in that regard.

EDIT: Vicious, not viscous, though the latter may be true.

[–]aVictorianGentleman 25 points26 points ago

two words: Rape Cave.

[–]Paging_Dr_Chloroform 3 points4 points ago

hmm

[–]fentruck 10 points11 points ago

viscous

[–]GPadraic 15 points16 points ago

Well you try getting a dolphin through a fine strainer. Who's got the last laugh now?

[–]calamormine 2 points3 points ago

I remember reading once that dolphins will use their sonar abilities to identify the weakest part of a creatures body, then use their noses to deliver a death strike right to the most vulnerable area.

[–]Deliciousbob 5 points6 points ago

such a great pic where else could this be put to good use ?

[–]Gorillaz_Noodle 2 points3 points ago

You are a maven with words; marry me.

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

I'm pretty sure you are the girl in the picture?

[–]TerryArchi 2 points3 points ago

You have a great memory.

[–]sashimi_taco 2 points3 points ago

Yeah well being traumatized does sometimes burn it into your brain.

[–]TerryArchi 2 points3 points ago

I know what you mean. I still remember when I was 4 or 5 and my brother pushed me down the second floor window.

[–]sashimi_taco 3 points4 points ago

:(

[–]KrazyEyezKilla 1 point2 points ago

I did something similar when presented with a crab. Cried and everything, man last week was tough.

[–]Aerielee 22 points23 points ago

Oh, but she's terrified for a good reason.

Those caves...

[–]masterphoenix113 6 points7 points ago

It's raping time.

[–]Aerielee 4 points5 points ago

The most exhilarating exhibit at every aquarium!

[–]bmfa02 1 point2 points ago

[–]Daviewayne 11 points12 points ago

Mini pocket whale.

[–]KoreshGlasses 0 points1 point ago

THn H0W SM4LL I5 G1RL?

[–]Hipashia[S] -1 points0 points ago

Lik dis if u cry evertim.

[–]killingALLTHETIME 15 points16 points ago

it's honey boo boo.

[–]infinitree 0 points1 point ago

Someone needs to paste her mom's face on the dolphin.

[–]chineapple_punk 8 points9 points ago

Swimming with dolphins is on some peoples bucket list, not this girl!

[–]dominicl14 7 points8 points ago

It's a gay shark.

[–]CaptainGurl 28 points29 points ago

Dolphins are jerks. The males will gang rape females!! For reals.....and they swim in their own toilet.

[–]FleetingThought 51 points52 points ago

To be fair, we swim in their toilet too.

[–]Hipashia[S] 19 points20 points ago

But we rarely rape in it!

[–]wincest_pervert 3 points4 points ago

Speak for yourself.

[–]WrethZ 11 points12 points ago

They will rape other species of dolphins too... and other males.

[–]da1hobo 19 points20 points ago

[–]da1hobo 3 points4 points ago

That's not rape. That is consensual bestiality.

[–]fretsurfer12 2 points3 points ago

Thank god someone posted the King of the Hill clip. Keep doing Gods work...even if its showing dolphin rape scenes

[–]doctawafflez 5 points6 points ago

apparently about 14 people on average are reported being raped by dolphins a year, this means they drag a human down to the bottom of the ocean and rape the shit outta them while they drown. Dolphins scare the shit outta me.

[–]Hipashia[S] 6 points7 points ago

14 reports* which means far more are probably dragged down and raped, and never reported.

[–]WrethZ 1 point2 points ago

As they should

[–]Xedma 6 points7 points ago

I think it's been suggested that in open water you are more likely to be dragged into a cave and raped by dolphins than eaten by sharks.

[–]Acronomicon 2 points3 points ago

grabbed them with their penis...full of powerful muscles

Another reason to avoid water. Besides gigantic sea monsters

[–]apintandafight 2 points3 points ago

They are prehensile. The stuff of nightmares, really.

[–]GirlWithThePandaHat 2 points3 points ago

You know the movie about that couple that was left in the ocean by their tour group... It was based on a true story, but they guessed what happened to them. Maybe it wasn't sharks that got them. Maybe...maybe in the end it was dolphins.

[–]kushmau5 0 points1 point ago

That is fascinating. Is there somewhere where I can read more about this shit?

[–]EasilyRemember 5 points6 points ago

No, because it's not actually true.... That image is responsible for so many misconceptions about dolphins.

[–]danrennt98 4 points5 points ago

To be fair, the dolphin looks creepy as hell.

[–]Annarr 3 points4 points ago

So do ducks. The double Ds. Dolphins and Ducks.

[–]Radzell 2 points3 points ago

I was just about to say this. They also kidnap. Kill for no reason. They are the asshole of the sea. Thats why you never see sharks attacking dolphin because a dolphin will go around killing sharks that are out of there way just to fuck with it.

[–]elukebrown 3 points4 points ago

There are a lot of big claims being made in this thread but very few sources to back them up.

[–]Hipashia[S] 3 points4 points ago

Welcome to the internet, where everything is true!

[–]ahhhgodzilla 4 points5 points ago

I love Ellen too. JUST SAYING

[–]Hipashia[S] 1 point2 points ago

If the shoe fits...

[–]70000 4 points5 points ago

Its a dolphin.

[–]Sekken9 2 points3 points ago

That's what we call, a pocket whale.

[–]RexBeckett 2 points3 points ago

For the first four years of life, humans have the ability to communicate telepathically with sea mammals.

This dolphin was insulting Elmo, and in harsh, stark terms.

[–]calvin1973 4 points5 points ago

Coming from a doctor who spends a lot of his time studying Biodiversity, that is a baby girl (Aged 2-3) looking into a dolphins face

[–]RatCity 3 points4 points ago

[–]eyereport 2 points3 points ago

I like it, sir. I do like it, indeed.

[–]Hipashia[S] 2 points3 points ago

You must have a degree!

[–]Randyh524 4 points5 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/IJ6k4.jpg I'm a happy bucket!

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

Cannot unsee!

[–]rallyaroundus 3 points4 points ago

Why hello there humanoid youngling of earth, but you are sitting on my bucket, that bucket of which holds my dinner. You don't see me running around your dwelling sitting on your jar of gerber!

[–]strik3r2k8 4 points5 points ago

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

Lol!

[–]ALBINO_ZEBRA 1 point2 points ago

I actually came here looking for this. Good work.

[–]Chernab0g 4 points5 points ago

Same response/face my girlfriend had when I showed her my purple pulsing one-eyed penis pencil for the first time.

EDIT: If I wasn't clear enough the first time I'm sorry. I meant that I had shown her my sugar slinging slippery trouser snake.

[–]Hipashia[S] 2 points3 points ago

.. Say what?!

[–]Chernab0g 0 points1 point ago

I'm sorry I probably wasn't clear enough the first time. I said she made a funny face when I decided to reveal to her my sugar slinging slippery trouser snake.

[–]tk425 2 points3 points ago

Nice username.

[–]Chernab0g 0 points1 point ago

Why thank you good sirrah.

[–]WildKittyv1 0 points1 point ago

While I applaud the color of your verbiage, I implore you to not mix your metaphors in the future, if only for purposes of clarity. - Warning - TV Tropes

[–]Chernab0g 1 point2 points ago

Mm I admire your "colour" as well

[–]MasterBettyPain 1 point2 points ago

I admire your username. One of my favorite Disney villains.

[–]chernabog89 2 points3 points ago

Damn...

Chernab0g: Redditor for 4 months 16 days

chernabog89: Redditor for 4 months 14 days

[–]GrayFeathers 2 points3 points ago

...said the dolphin.

[–]maebo121 1 point2 points ago

Dolphins are fucking scary.

[–]xX-Tiger_In_Tux-Xx 1 point2 points ago

Would that happen to be at the Indianapolis zoo?

[–]motaent 2 points3 points ago

Have you ever been so scared that you shit a bucket?

[–]prometheus1981 1 point2 points ago

That would be a girl scared of a dolphin.

[–]ZebraBurger 1 point2 points ago

pedobear approves

[–]Ienjoydissent 2 points3 points ago

What the fuck is that? I didn't know kids came in that shade of ugly.

[–]__TheLastDodo__ 2 points3 points ago

Look's like a girl...

[–]LFluffy 0 points1 point ago

plot twist: it's a cone she's 'sitting' on.

[–]32venakara 1 point2 points ago

Heere's Johnnyy!

[–]syrionguy 1 point2 points ago

pedolphin

[–]spartannugget 1 point2 points ago

Is that baby Honey Boo Boo

[–]CaptainCurl 1 point2 points ago

Dolphin: "I can haz bucket?"

[–]FomorianKing 1 point2 points ago

Read that In Hartman's voice.

[–]jonnyrotten7 1 point2 points ago

If you look at her eyes, she can't even see the dolphin.

[–]Riskae 1 point2 points ago

What is that you ask? Well it's rather obvious, that is a rape machine.

[–]Bacon_Moustache 1 point2 points ago

Honey boo boo does not like dolphin safe tuna.

[–]Spiech 1 point2 points ago

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

[–]jednx01 2 points3 points ago

Mom? That goldfish is bloody huge! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

[–]iggy18 1 point2 points ago

"INTTTOOO THHEEEE BBLLLUUUUEEEE! " Fucking Blue Horizons and their catchy songs

[–]zq72 1 point2 points ago

I think it is a little girl

[–]Finaltidus -1 points0 points ago

that is a bucket they put rats in when it's on your stomach and use a torch on it.

[–]retrospectr3 1 point2 points ago

Poor girl thought they were just going to see the aquariums, no one told her there would be anything in them!

[–]EvasiveMadHatter 1 point2 points ago

I'm not sure, I think it may be a bucket.

[–]Jimste7733 1 point2 points ago

She's sitting on the chum bucket!

[–]ruffle55 1 point2 points ago

[–]sprrd 0 points1 point ago

It looks like a human female child.

[–]skullking688 0 points1 point ago

someone needs to face swap this

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

Look above, someone did!

[–]RedBeluga 0 points1 point ago

this post makes me upset

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

Baby... Beluga...

[–]DigiK 1 point2 points ago

Looks like that creature behind the glass has nefarious porpoise!

[–]I_Am_CaptainObvious 1 point2 points ago

That is a dolphin

[–]seether1006 0 points1 point ago

Dolphin Rape; It's A Thing.

[–]buckie33 0 points1 point ago

Pedo-dolphin.

[–]Zalabalaba 0 points1 point ago

Child Molester Dolphin

[–]elijahcoleschneider1 0 points1 point ago

suprise motherfucker

[–]i_am_omega 1 point2 points ago

Am I the only one who sees the ghost fish above her head?

[–]that-guy-you-like 0 points1 point ago

That is a child Mr. Dolphin.

[–]NotVerySmarts 0 points1 point ago

Sorry I scared you. It wasn't on porpoise.

[–]the_wishbone 0 points1 point ago

Is that Honey Boo Boo?

[–]Homo_erotic_toile 0 points1 point ago

It's a Pocket Human!

[–]aappleby9 0 points1 point ago

Ridiculously photogenic dolphin

[–]sloppy-jugs 0 points1 point ago

[–]ohmyyyyy 0 points1 point ago

...said the dolphin

[–]herrakonna 0 points1 point ago

It's a little girl sitting on an overturned bucket. But I'm sure the dolphin has seen one before.

[–]t0talimm0rtalz 0 points1 point ago

Honey boo boo child

[–]intensely_human 0 points1 point ago

Fucking mutant sized wild pocket whale! What hath man wrought??

[–]meancommentredditor 0 points1 point ago

That kid knows what's up with dolphins.

[–]Gokias 0 points1 point ago

Pedolphin.

[–]edwardjamming 0 points1 point ago

What the fuck is that, said the dolphin

[–]thegreenflamingo 0 points1 point ago

looks high

[–]thegreenflamingo 1 point2 points ago

The new "i see what you did there" meme http://imgur.com/4qIYf

[–]PeerzPressure 0 points1 point ago

The Dolphin is whispering murderous threats in her ear. You can tell from its killing smile.

[–]kruegs0177 0 points1 point ago

Is that Honey Boo Boo?

[–]hpw24 0 points1 point ago

a kid on a bucket?

[–]Kinstup 0 points1 point ago

Thats a baby you silly boy. It comes out of a mama'shlong after a papa put his dong in it.

[–]Corey1369 0 points1 point ago

Hi there Who the fuck are you

[–]low-karma-guy 1 point2 points ago

This is a good and entertaining thread, but the girl is not in fact looking at the dolphin . .

[–]Hipashia[S] 0 points1 point ago

She might have already seen it and is now avoiding looking at it, that's what I figured.

[–]sgntpepper03 -1 points0 points ago

I posted this TWO HOURS before you did. And I credited the source. Give credit where credit is due!!!

[–]Hipashia[S] -1 points0 points ago

I already admitted its from Ellen, and Reddit did not indicate a repost. Sorry for your loss of opportunity for meaningless karma!

[–]Fatalcraft 1 point2 points ago

Is it just me or does the dolphin have an actual troll face?

[–]sbetschi12 1 point2 points ago

As a preschool teacher, I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard at that.

[–]miss_opiumsmoker 1 point2 points ago

I apologize, but I felt that I needed to downvote this post for making dolphins in captivity look cute. Please, please don't support this kind of thing. They live horrible lives.

[–]Hipashia[S] 3 points4 points ago

At least the girl agrees with you... Dolphins in captivity are terrifying, not cute.

[–]miss_opiumsmoker 2 points3 points ago

Haha, great point.

[–]DrDebG 1 point2 points ago

I don't think it looks cute. I think it looks hungry. (And I agree with you.)

[–]MediocreFriend 2 points3 points ago

Some years ago, I was a manager for a company called Ham On Rye Technologies. They had these weird "virtual-reality theaters" up in a lot of amusement parks. You sit in a chair, put on some 3D goggles, and an actor behind the stage appears via green-screen to instruct you to wave your hands around and scream like you're doing things to be awarded points. It was strange.

I was sent to the Six Flags in Vallejo, CA to hire a new staff for an existing theater there. It was very close to the dolphin tank. The auditions were a complete disaster. Nobody came because corporate put ads in papers in cities way too far south in the Bay Area to attract people to the job.

After one terribly creepy audition in my fucking hotel room, I reached out to local drama groups and theater majors looking for people to act strange on camera four hours a day for $20/hr. We set up new audition times at the park itself for local actors to try out.

This one girl came to the audition with her mother.

Now, this was very much a silly kids game full of character acting. You'd be a pirate or a vampire or a cowboy depending on the program. This girl chose a scene from "The Color Purple" for her audition.

The thing is, she's killing it. She's screaming at the sky and putting heart-wrenching emotion into this dramatic monologue and the whole time her mom is standing next to me yelling out encouragement like "Yeah, baby! Show the man! Show the man what you got, that's RIGHT!"

I had no idea what to do.

I swear to god the dolphin in the tank next to us looked at me and started laughing.

It knew I was fucked.

I hired her on the spot.

[–]poop22_ 0 points1 point ago

[–]darkshy 1 point2 points ago

I love how the dolphin's smiling like he knows EXACTLEY what's going on.

[–]Hipashia[S] -1 points0 points ago

Soon... :)

[–]Killface31 0 points1 point ago

Dolphins rape people.

http://imgur.com/q8kWZ

[–]TRAINER_TIPS -2 points-1 points ago

http://www.memecreator.org/custom/212590

Good luck coming up with something...