Why you shouldn't talk on the phone in a public bathroom

Vrael22 · 2012-10-01T19:48:28+00:00

This is why I can't read Reddit in class. I had to keep myself from laughing loudly and got some weird look including one from my professor. God this is one of the funniest things I've read in my life. 11/10

MikeyB7509 · 2012-10-01T21:08:13+00:00

Wow that guy is the Shakespeare of shit

milkcow · 2012-10-01T19:31:15+00:00

fully worth the read

HogBacon · 2012-10-01T20:00:52+00:00

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze

My sides

Gizmo-mom · 2012-10-01T21:28:36+00:00

I was laughing so hard I started crying, that was awesome!

Xpoopy · 2012-10-01T21:29:06+00:00

Read this while pooping.

GaugeBroken · 2012-10-01T20:49:46+00:00

Novel worthy

splox982 · 2012-10-01T20:45:42+00:00

omg. my day has now been completed.

EddieTH · 2012-10-01T21:10:24+00:00

that was so beautifully written :')

jashman1987 · 2012-10-01T20:24:30+00:00

I'm dying! That was awesome and amazingly eloquent! 10/10

thechickwiththenails · 2012-10-01T23:21:37+00:00

I laughed so hard that I actually frightened my dog. I sounded like a toddler choking on a bagel.

sofa-king-lazy · 2012-10-02T00:10:10+00:00

With girlfriend in car, browsing reddit on iPhone. She asks if I think she looks ok in her jeans I bust our laughing before she can Finish she asks what's so funny, look at her to answer. new wave of uncontrollable laughter, tears are now coming from my eyes. "what the fuck is wrong with you?" she asks looking dangerously angry. I continued cry/laughing while staring into her eyes, silently begging for a quick death On the edge of crying herself. I Demand that she pull over Real tears in her eyes now Shove phone in her face, force her to read, she has same reaction. She later told me she thought I was going to break up with her. Reddit almost ruined my relationship

mr_lctnstn · 2012-10-01T20:45:28+00:00

made the mistake of reading this in my introduction to programming class. I can't stop laughing. the whole class can hear me losing it.

campoanywhere · 2012-10-01T21:07:16+00:00

That's right up there with Battle Asses. A craigslist masterpiece.

GCEian · 2012-10-01T21:32:09+00:00

11/10. My God.

Your_Favorite_Poster · 2012-10-01T21:20:48+00:00

Was taking a shit in the rightmost bathroom stall of a public bathroom when someone comes in, sits down in the stall right next to me and continues to make some seriously stressed sounds. He's making these guttural, animal-like noises and the entire time air and shit are exploding from his ass in a pattern that doesn't really match the "aahheeeuuuu"s and "rrrrrgghaarrr"s.

Finally he's finished. He let's out a sign, buckles his belt and right before he leaves he imparts this wisdom:

"It cleans the colon"

I'm sure it does, dude with nice dress shoes, I'm sure it does.

Pudding36 · 2012-10-02T00:16:02+00:00

best laugh I've had in months, thank you.

sofieca2tx · 2012-10-01T21:42:36+00:00

Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I actually cried...absolutely worth the read.

herrproctor · 2012-10-01T22:29:30+00:00

I lost it completely at the resonance frequency line.

asharkey3 · 2012-10-01T19:20:06+00:00

10/10

cycguy · 2012-10-01T23:21:52+00:00

Is there a sub-reddit for posts like this?

MyIdwasTaken · 2012-10-01T22:17:57+00:00

This story just flows so well!

dcxkelevra · 2012-10-02T00:55:07+00:00

Honestly crying because i am laughing so hard, you sir are a god among men

redjimdit · 2012-10-02T03:45:21+00:00

If there ever was a TL;DR this would be it. God damn.

MellowSloth · 2012-10-02T04:24:35+00:00

I kind of feel like I waste a lot of time reading stuff like this. However, I regret nothing.

sara_marie_2005 · 2012-10-02T04:57:53+00:00

Stomach is in pain. Tears in my eyes. Could not stop laughing. Omfg... This is the funniest damn thing I've read in a while. Bravo, and thank you.

TheReginator · 2012-10-02T05:06:35+00:00

This has been reposted roughly fifteen times.

croppingbeef · 2012-10-01T21:51:30+00:00

At first thought "too long, will not read"

Those who posted comments that convinced me to read this wonderful tale...

Thank you.

imanidiot42 · 2012-10-01T21:51:52+00:00

This sort of stuff is the reason I keep returning to r/funny

92109 · 2012-10-01T22:59:16+00:00

Bean laden... Terrorist beans

jtunes2000 · 2012-10-01T23:12:58+00:00

This was literally the funniest thing I have ever read on Reddit. YOU ARE SO AWESOME.

ffcsquall24 · 2012-10-02T04:20:35+00:00

This made me laugh until my eyes teared up and I had an asthma attack... fucking awesome.

lightninghand · 2012-10-01T21:03:32+00:00

Probably the sixth time I've seen this on reddit.

loving_life99 · 2012-10-01T21:55:04+00:00

My God. That was legendary. This was worth the read. I cannot stop laughing.

nldarab · 2012-10-01T22:04:39+00:00

The descriptive language made me feel like I was actually I'm the bathroom listening to the symphony of booty noises.

belfastphil · 2012-10-01T22:24:42+00:00

It's hard to write a comment when you have tears in your eyes from laughing so hard!

deathfromfront · 2012-10-01T22:51:32+00:00

My stomach is cramping and tears started to roll down my faces that was so funny! I'm gonna save this I laughed so much!

uSeeWhatiDidThere · 2012-10-01T23:05:37+00:00

Could someone explain the ending to me? P.S "Tell the kids... Love them" Oh God poop stories from 4chan are always hilarious. I try showing them to my friends and they just give me weird looks...

guitarman565 · 2012-10-02T00:27:13+00:00

....I....Have no words.....Never have i read such a harrowing, and downright hilariously genius story...

czarmine · 2012-10-02T00:33:28+00:00

Sounds like the toilet OldManJenkins had to clean..

kyatel · 2012-10-02T00:42:07+00:00

You just made a very shitty week a little better. Thank you for the Lols.

Lax00 · 2012-10-02T00:43:11+00:00

this might be the funniest thing I've ever read. I read it and began laughing hysterically and then made my mom read it after I was done. We both uncontrollably laughed at this for the better part of ten minutes. Weird how you can actually bond with your parents via reddit. 10/10

Rowanshark · 2012-10-02T01:00:55+00:00

MY FUCKING SIDES

BorgMercenary · 2012-10-02T02:58:58+00:00

REPOST

ah54495 · 2012-10-02T03:01:49+00:00

My wife just came in to see what was wrong, she rolled her eyes when I tried to explain I was laughing at a story on the internet about pooping. I have tears in my eyes.

DRayG79 · 2012-10-02T03:14:39+00:00

That was magical. Thank you.

Friesc · 2012-10-02T03:55:49+00:00

I literally cried. hysterical.

Lucho420 · 2012-10-02T04:35:18+00:00

Bravo

darkscream · 2012-10-02T04:42:28+00:00

the foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall

i fucking lost it

dexter109 · 2012-10-02T04:45:22+00:00

Anyone else notice this is at least 6 years old?

IWasBeingStupid · 2012-10-02T05:10:51+00:00

Haha, this was amazing. Well done sir. 100/10

phicurious · 2012-10-02T05:11:49+00:00

what's the TL;DR version for the lazy ones who should really be in bed right now anyway

Meebert · 2012-10-02T05:12:08+00:00

My life goal is to tell this story around a camp fire with a straight face. All of r/funny goes downhill from here.

ForeverMovement · 2012-10-02T05:14:40+00:00

This should be written into stone and held as our commandments.

dank_121 · 2012-10-02T05:25:33+00:00

I laughed so hard I cried. I haven't laughed that hard in months. Thank you!

ItakBigDumps · 2012-10-02T06:21:42+00:00

I'm not impressed.

oyaimthatguy21 · 2012-10-02T06:30:33+00:00

Never have I read so much text, but wow.... totally worth the lulz.

arghnard · 2012-10-02T06:31:07+00:00

Never thought a story about bowel movements would also expand my vocabulary.

MrAlexBradley · 2012-10-02T06:47:39+00:00

TL;Totally Read

jc_king0640 · 2012-10-02T06:48:05+00:00

second time I've read this. The first time i nearly died laughing

Eddaromir · 2012-10-02T07:06:48+00:00

All I got out of the story: Guy is a dick for not flushing

JesseTheRef · 2012-10-02T07:12:54+00:00

This was pure gold. I had to let a couple customers read this because I was laughing so damn hard.

JasonFarr · 2012-10-02T07:23:24+00:00

Made me cry with laughter thank you

notthatshort · 2012-10-01T20:34:41+00:00

Wow that story was shitty and well written at the same time.

Carterselzer · 2012-10-01T21:22:53+00:00

That was hilarious. Up vote for you, sir. I couldn't stop laughing for at least 10 minutes.

DarkCzar13 · 2012-10-01T22:47:57+00:00

You sir have earned my upvote.

llcbdavis · 2012-10-02T01:06:35+00:00

my god i have never laughed so hard in my life. i believe i have seriously damaged some internal organs. thank you. and here is my gift to you: a couple times a week take a hit of panothentic acid. you will poop like a swiss movement.

tidux · 2012-10-02T01:57:27+00:00

This is missing the OP, which has some expository text and a picture of a man yelling into a phone.

CASUALRACIST_FUCK · 2012-10-02T02:58:40+00:00

How the fuck did this get back to the front page?

Handzus · 2012-10-02T03:14:18+00:00

I wish i hadn't read this after the family had gone to bed. I couldn't contain my roaring laughter. One by one they walk into the living room, pissed off, asking what the hell i am doing. There i am with my glasses falling off and tears streaming down my face. Fucking awesome. Just awesome.

katsai · 2012-10-01T21:51:23+00:00

I am so glad I work at home. I don't have to explain to my co-workers why I'm laughing so hard that I have tears running down my cheeks.

deeeznutzz · 2012-10-01T22:31:11+00:00

that was some good detail, just laughed pretty hard....in my mind

mcgoo352 · 2012-10-01T22:36:28+00:00

Awesome, just plain awesome.

BmoreCooler · 2012-10-01T22:55:38+00:00

Laughed so hard my face hurts.

Chazzey_dude · 2012-10-01T23:05:07+00:00

I couldn't be bothered to read it all and now kind of regret it.

CheezeburgerTroll · 2012-10-01T23:05:57+00:00

It seems like everyone that posts on 4Chan is a great writer

jaheiner · 2012-10-01T23:31:19+00:00

I was in tears at my desk reading this @ work lol...

Kscharmota · 2012-10-02T00:17:59+00:00

This was awesome

fps_will11 · 2012-10-02T00:22:44+00:00

I litteraly hurt from laughing, i had to stop reading to laugh because it was impossible to focus while laughing so hard.

dAtRhythmHawk · 2012-10-02T00:24:28+00:00

Lol mother of God i'm crying and my sides are sore. Lol thanks so much for this.

yesimagirlwithboobs · 2012-10-02T00:36:07+00:00

I couldn't breathe, this was by far the best thing I have read in a long time.

mountaingoat1080 · 2012-10-02T00:41:24+00:00

I laughed much more than I should have on that. Thank you for making my day!

pics-or-didnt-happen · 2012-10-02T00:46:16+00:00

Haven't seen this since the late 90s. Funny shit.

realfuzzhead · 2012-10-02T01:07:40+00:00

Wasn't this just posted a few days ago? Maybe I saw it in /r/4chan actually, I can't remember. Funny stuff

alquicksilver · 2012-10-02T02:04:32+00:00

Holy shit, I am in class. I can't finish this right now, because there are only so many "coughs" you can use to cover up your sniggering. Must return later.

TheBlueLamp · 2012-10-02T02:13:00+00:00

Anal announcement... I lost it.

IBelongInAKitchen · 2012-10-02T02:13:36+00:00

Read this, WHILE shitting in public. Began to laugh uncontrollably.

leep420 · 2012-10-02T02:19:05+00:00

I actually got a stitch reading that from laughing so hard. Fuck internet gold, that's internet platinum. 11/10 will read again.

lazybeef · 2012-10-02T02:20:00+00:00

So happy that the first comment was about laughing in class. My TA just kicked me

Thezombieman · 2012-10-02T02:34:41+00:00

I lost my shit when I read this.

mvitti · 2012-10-02T02:35:15+00:00

Doesn't matter how many times I read it, I always laugh out loud...it's one repost I'll always enjoy

dontcallmedi · 2012-10-02T02:38:05+00:00

I don't have enough upvotes for you. Amazing. Poetry.

Domo89 · 2012-10-02T02:40:18+00:00

"After a considerable amount of paperwork"

That one got me

jimmy4ilp · 2012-10-02T02:47:34+00:00

I...This...Beautiful...Just beautiful.

agobayer · 2012-10-02T02:50:30+00:00

Am I the only one who half expects every 4chan thread to end in some sort of pop song?

CrazyChuck · 2012-10-02T02:58:37+00:00

Best thing I've read all day.

GirlWithThePandaHat · 2012-10-02T03:16:01+00:00

This is actually a repost... I remember reading this at work. Laughing so hard people stared at me. I complimented the OP for making my day with potty humor.... It didn't have many votes... So this is what it feels like.

sucking_furious · 2012-10-02T03:17:02+00:00

Cannot upvote enough!

ASLF92 · 2012-10-02T03:53:42+00:00

Tears are streaming down my face in the attempt to hold back this Insane laughter. I know my boss is just outside but I can't stop laughing 11/10 would read again

dav2b3 · 2012-10-02T04:04:03+00:00

these types of stories are absolutely great so i created a subreddit for it with some stuff i have saved at /r/talesofmybowels

emann43 · 2012-10-02T04:08:01+00:00

Wall of text; didn't read.

Dalisca · 2012-10-02T04:51:02+00:00

This also sells the case for the mid-poop flush once the bowl has reached maximum functional capacity.

DAFUQYOUSAY · 2012-10-02T04:54:09+00:00

My throat feels like I've just downed an entire bottle of whiskey in one shot it hurts so bad from laughing....I cried as well funniest shit I've read in a loooooooonnnnnngggg time 12/10

susanlowey · 2012-10-01T20:39:36+00:00

As a girl, I cant believe I just read all that.. I read the entire thing... lol

killswitchdh · 2012-10-01T20:43:16+00:00

repost :(

TheMrJackem · 2012-10-02T00:51:26+00:00

THIS IS POSSIBLY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ.

wumbo_pownz · 2012-10-01T21:13:00+00:00

Was reading this in the computer lab on campus. The person next to me gave a strange look and got up and left... lol

WhalePIMP · 2012-10-01T22:29:34+00:00

I just got asked to leave my college Psychology course due to me laughing too much.. A other reason why /r/funny is too damn funny for classes haha

redrhymer · 2012-10-01T23:25:07+00:00

I had to go to the bathroom after reading this.

CupofBallSoup · 2012-10-01T23:25:41+00:00

When people decide to "hang out" on the shitter and I know I'm going to wreck it...I take that as a challenge! YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT!!!

Acid_Dropper · 2012-10-01T23:30:53+00:00

This is fucking awesome. Props to this person because I HATE when people talk on the phone in the bathroom

DaltonZeta · 2012-10-01T23:38:52+00:00

I was reduced to continuing to read through tears of laughter as my parents looked on, asking what the hell was wrong with me.

Soo worth the read.

FauxHulk · 2012-10-01T23:42:23+00:00

I was laughing so hard that it took me 10 minutes to finish this. He should write a screenplay

watchesarecool42 · 2012-10-01T23:59:55+00:00

This is the first thing on r/funny that has actually made me die of laughter. It's so true, though! Same problem in the girl's bathroom, because they come in hordes to check their makeup in the mirror and talk for hours on end.

Samzam97 · 2012-10-02T00:14:19+00:00

honestly. i am in my room reading this and am laughing hysterically taking at least ten minutes to read due to it. my parents jsut came into my room and asked what it was. they read it, and now are sitting in the living room laughing. thank you so much for this. this made my month.

cheesus12345 · 2012-10-02T00:24:50+00:00

I almost shit myself reading this. 10/10.

we_need_a_hero · 2012-10-02T00:24:57+00:00

Fucking 4chan, so bizarre

SamuraiAlba · 2012-10-02T03:13:09+00:00

TIL - The use of the word Eldritch, in proper context, makes me laugh in an indescribable fashion akin to the sweet inaudible caress of the old gods voices in the dark, forbidden recesses of my thoughts :)

F5_supermonkey · 2012-10-02T03:57:40+00:00

TL;DR

roxandwiches · 2012-10-01T23:38:51+00:00

there is no way to explain this to someone else besides just having them read it. BRAVO!

TheMrJackem · 2012-10-02T00:51:03+00:00

THIS IS POSSIBLY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ.

llcbdavis · 2012-10-02T01:06:42+00:00

my god i have never laughed so hard in my life. i believe i have seriously damaged some internal organs. thank you. and here is my gift to you: a couple times a week take a hit of panothentic acid. you will poop like a swiss movement.

Shady_Love · 2012-10-02T02:28:01+00:00

Do people not realize this is six years old?

so_choice · 2012-10-02T02:15:38+00:00

I think of this story every time I use stall #1.

Vtguy234 · 2012-10-02T02:35:01+00:00

Oh my god! This made me laugh so damn hard.

bashscrazy · 2012-10-02T03:16:52+00:00

10/10 would shit with a phone again

mechannovator · 2012-10-02T04:18:13+00:00

TLDNR

MrIslander · 2012-10-02T04:26:04+00:00

This is funny, but not so much the elevendieth time around.

josephanthony · 2012-10-02T05:33:33+00:00

You had me at 'paperwork'.

homeless_man_jogging · 2012-10-02T05:44:36+00:00

Nope.

Epsilon2420 · 2012-10-02T05:44:40+00:00

Holy shit, that was hilarious.

psychroclasm · 2012-10-02T05:45:30+00:00

Every time I see this, the capitalization is what does it for me.

norcal420 · 2012-10-02T05:50:34+00:00

I laughed so hard I had to stop a couple times because it hurt and I couldn't breathe. Hilarious.

Fasbuk · 2012-10-02T06:12:35+00:00

My roommate is really depressed after a break up an listening to depressing music while I read this next to her. During the most depressing parts of the song I begin cracking up de to the hilarity that is this post. Whoever you are, this story (regardless of validity) mad my day, and the author should be proud.

Rowanshark · 2012-10-02T00:59:21+00:00

[deleted]

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