this post was submitted on
1,290 points (58% like it)
4,371 up votes 3,081 down votes
shortlink:

funny

subscribe2,545,123 readers

11,839 users here now

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).

Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.

If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators

The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.

CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for
to anything interesting: news article, blog entry, video, picture...
message the moderators

MODERATORS

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

1289
1290

How to become a super hero (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by thesputnik97

all 116 comments
sorted by:
best
best
top
new
hot
controversial
old

[–]tmck84 35 points36 points ago

You left out a billion dollar company in the Batman equation.

[–]elshovel 33 points34 points ago

This goes for Iron Man as well

[–]P00CH00 4 points5 points ago

But would Tony Stark have made the Iron Man suit if he had not gotten shrapnel in his chest? Actually the question also extends to Bruce Wayne, would he have become Batman if his parents did not die?

[–]tmck84 2 points3 points ago

Yes, that is a valid point, however would he have been able to do 90% of the things he did without:

  1. An indestructible tank
  2. A sweet bike
  3. A utility belt
  4. The money to travel to China

An equation requires balance... therefore all components are important.

[–]P00CH00 1 point2 points ago

That's what I am getting at. This should be made into a more complex equation than a simple a+b=c.

[–]BinaryRunt 0 points1 point ago

If Bruce died, his father would be Batman and his mother the Joker.

[–]tmck84 1 point2 points ago

This is true!

[–]Augrin 0 points1 point ago

It is known.

[–]Blissrat -1 points0 points ago

It is known.

[–]heyivebeenthere 125 points126 points ago

Tony Stark didn't lose his heart; that power source charges the electromagnet that keeps the shrapnel from moving to his heart. I'm not 100% sure and not trying to be douchey, just trying to be informative... people hate me.

[–]epic720 76 points77 points ago

Also, kryptonite kills superman. It won't convert him into a normal non-solar powered human.

[–]RealityIsMyReligion 69 points70 points ago

Also, batman doesn't get his powers from his dead parents. He gets his powers from his billions of dollars.

Almost all of this poster is wrong (except for Spiderman).

[–]Pooploser-69 69 points70 points ago

Nope, it's the wrong spider.

[–]japanese_cat 27 points28 points ago

fuck

[–]semifraki 19 points20 points ago

I'm glad other people write comments on Reddit so that I don't have to.

[–]HomieHavko 11 points12 points ago

then, what did i just read??

[–]AnkhOmega 7 points8 points ago

You just read a predestination paradox.

[–]Patius 4 points5 points ago

He wrote a comment. He didn't have to, but he did.

[–]Milkgunner 2 points3 points ago

And he got the billions of dollars from his dead parents.

[–]uSeeWhatiDidThere 2 points3 points ago

Spidermans eyes are supposed to be flipped.

[–]BinaryRunt 2 points3 points ago

It's sad spider-man.

[–]Vekturbrektur 10 points11 points ago

Gold kryptonite will normalize him. Pink kryptonite turns him gay http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kryptonite#section_3

[–]Randamba 5 points6 points ago

If we normalize him with Gold kryptonite, and then let the spiderman spider bite him, would he then be Superspiderman? If that's the case we could easily turn him into Superspiderman, and give him a Green Lantern ring. Then we'd have Superspider Green Lantern.

Are there any other powers we could give him while he's normalized?

[–]AnkhOmega 9 points10 points ago

You could kill his parents and give him billions of dollars. Turning him into Superspider Green Batman.

[–]anonym1970 4 points5 points ago

Also explode a rocket next to him and give him more billions.

He'd be Iron Superspider Green Batman

[–]jackcatalyst 5 points6 points ago

The rocket could contain gamma radiation making him The Incredible Angry Iron Superspider Green Batman

[–]Patius 2 points3 points ago

Then we could get him in a car wreck and rebuild his body with bulky cybornetic parts, making him The Incredible Angry Iron Super Spider Green Cyborg Batman.

[–]kgreen69er 2 points3 points ago

He then could sell his soul to a demon and become The Incredible Angry Iron Super Spider Green Ghost Cyborg Batman.

[–]BinaryRunt 1 point2 points ago

Then he could fuse with the Spectre and turn into The Incredible Angry Iron Super Spider Green Ghost Cyborg Spectre Batman.

[–]P00CH00 0 points1 point ago

Shows green in the image.

[–]McFeely_Smackup 4 points5 points ago

Green kryptonite is lethal, gold kryptonite permanently removes a Kryptonians super powers. so the poster would be correct if it used a different color, which makes it technically incorrect. The worst kind of incorrect.

[–]newloaf -1 points0 points ago

I don't know WTF that red guy is supposed to represent. This graphic fails in a couple of different ways.

[–]Randamba 1 point2 points ago

The Red guy is Peter Parker. Look at the first line.

[–]jadeddesigner 0 points1 point ago

It's the sun of Krypton that gives him his powers.

[–]epic720 2 points3 points ago

Actually, the sun of Krypton is a red sun and that sun has no added affect on Kryptonians.

A yellow sun, like earth's, however does give added abilities to a Kryptonian that accounts for Superman's abilities on earth.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Powers_and_abilities_of_Superman#Silver.2FBronze_Age_Superman

[–]Iwantrobots 0 points1 point ago

Does a white sun do anything special to him?

[–]Bazofwaz 0 points1 point ago

Correct me if I'm wrong, but only red kryptonite kills superman. Green does in fact make him a weak human being. EDIT: I was wrong, read below. I will not delete this so others can see effects btw.

[–]epic720 1 point2 points ago

Consider yourself corrected:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Powers_and_abilities_of_Superman#Weaknesses

"Long enough exposure to green kryptonite may eventually lead to death."

[–]Bazofwaz 0 points1 point ago

Thanks mate.

[–]Patius 1 point2 points ago

Nope. Red's effects are random.

Green makes him super weak (like unable to stand) and will kill him after a while.

Here's a list of the ones I can think of:

Green: Weakens to the point of collapsing; eventually kills. Also dangerous to humans after long term exposure. Before DC's recent reboot, Lex Luthor actually had to clone himself a new body after getting terminally ill from wearing a kryptonite ring all the time.

Red: Random effects that can be as drastic as the writer wants. In Smallville (The TV show), this makes superman's personality change into a rash, impulsive person who abuses his power. I think the current version just induces random mutations on Kyrptonians.

Silver: In Smallville, this caused superman to become paranoid, delusional, and violent. I don't think it exists in the comics.

Gold: Strips a kryptonian of all their powers permanently.

Pink: Turned Superman gay as a joke in a silver age comic for a few panels.

Black: Can split/unify a Kryptonian, usually into good and evil halves.

Those are all the ones I can think of at the moment.

[–]Bazofwaz 0 points1 point ago

Oh cool, thanks. I'm not a huge DC fan, but I love most Marvel or Dark Horse series.

[–]lol_panda 0 points1 point ago

This kills the superman.

[–]radiovalkyrie 0 points1 point ago

See, I read that as "Superman likes diamonds and they make him blush all over."

They make him feel like a pretty pretty superhero?

[–]ICouldEatAKnobAtNite 3 points4 points ago

I still don't get how he can build that, but can't find a brilliant doctor to remove the shrapnel. Or how Pepper was able to stick her entire hand into his chest in the first movie...

[–]Iwantrobots 0 points1 point ago

In "Iron-Man Extremis" he had the shrapnel removed.

[–]sderrickson 1 point2 points ago

she has small hands. he asked her.

[–]jadeddesigner 0 points1 point ago

You always ask.

[–]Helium_ninja 0 points1 point ago

Came here to say this.

[–]heycourts 22 points23 points ago

Spiderman looks so upset, I hope he's ok

[–]dagoff 5 points6 points ago

Yeah, his eyes are supposed to slant the other way. They also left out the whole "losing two parents and an uncle" thing in his progression to superheroism.

[–]ICouldEatAKnobAtNite 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, his eyes are supposed to slant the other way.

Racist!

[–]dagoff 0 points1 point ago

I think this is the funniest reply I've ever had on one of my comments. Thank you for making my day!

[–]TheLastGuitarHero 1 point2 points ago

People on Reddit can be so shitty sometimes. "Thanks for making me laugh!" -DOWNVOTE! Like what the Hell guys this is r/funny.

[–]dagoff 0 points1 point ago

Thank you! You're my (last guitar) hero!

[–]BinaryRunt 0 points1 point ago

And being touched in a bad way by his 'grown up friend' Skip when he was young. That should make a mark in someone's live.

[–]dagoff 0 points1 point ago

WAT?!

[–]ALkatraz919 0 points1 point ago

He must have finished masturbating.

[–]mypersonaljesus 14 points15 points ago

I don't think Superman + Kryptonite = normal person really works with your title. It should be normal person + exploding planet + rocket to Earth = Superman...or something along those lines.

[–]Citizen_Gamer 14 points15 points ago

It should be normal man + yellow sun = Superman.

Well technically, he's an alien, but I don't know how you'd show that since he looks like a normal man.

[–]thewarehouse 0 points1 point ago

That is the only correct answer without going into the theory that Kal-El's "superhero" is indeed Clark Kent....which I think is what the image is trying to posit. In which case a pair of nerd glasses might be more appropriate anyway. But. Whatever.

[–]ICouldEatAKnobAtNite 0 points1 point ago

Correction, normal humans looks like Kryptonians, since I'm pretty sure the Kryptonians were an older race than humanity in the comics.

[–]mainsworth 0 points1 point ago

He's not a normal person though. He's an alien from the planet krypton. Isn't that why he is super? Is he above average on his home planet?

[–]Hubley 1 point2 points ago

Rearrange the equation and it is Person-kryptonite = superman. In conclusion, if I get rid of my kryptonite I will be Superman

[–]topicality 0 points1 point ago

It's desperate scientists+doomed planet+last hope+kindly couple=Superman.

[–]talitus 5 points6 points ago

Superman + master emerald = Dare Devil?

[–]snoopdrsnoop 8 points9 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
Superhero Math. 3coms 84pts 6mos funny
Superheroes explained by a math nerd 1com 17pts 7mos funny
Superhero Math 3coms 67pts 4mos funny

source: karmadecay

[–]HighFiveTRex 4 points5 points ago

Person - Batman = parents?

[–]thebrachknocker 3 points4 points ago

Iron man and Batman aren't superheros. They are heros.

[–]Sockin 3 points4 points ago

Well to be fair, Stark eventually decides to give himself superpowers.

[–]pilgrimontheedge 0 points1 point ago

THANK YOU! Batman has no super powers. He is just a badass who's good at fighting and has lots of expensive gadgets to help him fight even better.

[–]lydocia 2 points3 points ago

So if you have Superman and add a spider and some kryptonite, you get Spiderman? It all makes sense now!

[–]not-a-team-player 1 point2 points ago

Thanks, my son saw this with me, hiding every sharp item in my house atm.

[–]Lion_Cub_Kurz 0 points1 point ago

Or just have a shitload of money

[–]Xjpk 1 point2 points ago

So according to this superman pluss kryptonite pluss spider equals spider man?

[–]Theo93 0 points1 point ago

Holy Rapid Repost Batman

[–]ndewhurst 0 points1 point ago

Superman becomes a superhero by being exposed to kryptonite? I'm sure someone will repost you with a better title.

[–]for_the_Emperor 1 point2 points ago

I never realized that Ironman is like the Tin man who needs a heart.

[–]theaceplaya 0 points1 point ago

I see two superheroes and two billionaires.

[–]poopinston 0 points1 point ago

I am human now, therefore I am Superman?

[–]ohdoylerulez90 1 point2 points ago

Superman + Kryptonite = Peter Parker

[–]_Honest_Jerk_ 0 points1 point ago

Yeah this was pretty shit

[–]iankstarr 0 points1 point ago

Why does Spiderman look so sad? Poor sad Spiderman...

[–]Rasta_Man69 0 points1 point ago

I just came here...to say......... na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

[–]_ap_ 0 points1 point ago

Three is wrong

If: Superman + Kryptonite = Normal person

Then: Normal person - Kryptonite = Superman

But I'm a normal person without Kryptonite and I'm fairly certain that I am not Superman

[–]TheLastGuitarHero 0 points1 point ago

...hm... I'm onto you. We'll just see about that.

[–]Robotochan 1 point2 points ago

Hmmm.... therefore.

[–]DudeMG 0 points1 point ago

Soo...where do you keep your kryptonite?

[–]TheSoundAurora 1 point2 points ago

Batman and Iron Man aren't fucking superheroes.

[–]mackpack 0 points1 point ago

Spidey looks very sad

[–]crestfallenzebra 0 points1 point ago

Hire hitman to kill parents = Become batman

[–]RightHandofGod 0 points1 point ago

technically everyone there lost their parents.

[–]dingobiscuits 0 points1 point ago

wait a minute - man minus toilets equals Batman?

[–]JurkMurguire 1 point2 points ago

Super Man is not mathematically possible with the current variables because a person minus kryptonite does not become Super Man. All of the other quantum-super hero theorems seem pretty solid.

[–]knyght5 0 points1 point ago

And this is funny because...?

[–]42Chances 0 points1 point ago

Too soon...

[–]Sandbox47 0 points1 point ago

Spiderman was never bitten though, was he? Builds his own shit. Also, how does getting diamonds make superman stronger in red jump suit? Wat.

[–]Insanitys_shadow 0 points1 point ago

By the laws of math human+Kryptonite=Superman

[–]wangchung16 0 points1 point ago

No. If this chart says that Kryptonite + Superman = Human (I think). Thus , it is Human - Kryptonite = Superman.

[–]Insanitys_shadow 0 points1 point ago

Math is not my strong subject

[–]justonecomment 0 points1 point ago

So Kal-El plus kryptonite equals Peter Parker?

[–]Giggyjig 0 points1 point ago

Whoever made this should become an hero

[–]BrokenAviators 0 points1 point ago

Spiderman looks really sad.

[–]Guy_Face 0 points1 point ago

Why is Spidey SAD!!!??? someone fix it!! or make him all black and emo to match his eyes

[–]TribeFan98 0 points1 point ago

Iron Man's armor looks like a dick

[–]go_ahead_downvote_me 0 points1 point ago

oh look another batman joke about him losing his parents.. where have i seen that before

[–]nropotdetcidda 0 points1 point ago

Does anyone else see the big dick on the Iron Man torso?

[–]infernalspawnODOOM 0 points1 point ago

Well, more like Peter Parker + spider - Uncle Ben = Spiderman

[–]lexpeebo 0 points1 point ago

spiderman's eyes are upside down

[–]dietmoxie 0 points1 point ago

Why is this in funny

[–]raging_muffinanimal 0 points1 point ago

So, if I simply subtract kryptonite from my daily daily diet.....

[–]prickinthewall 0 points1 point ago

That means: Spiderman - Spider - Kryptonite = Superman

Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. © 2012 reddit inc. All rights reserved.

REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.

π Rendered by PID 28202 on app-117 running 6aaac28.