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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]ElolvastamEzt 1133 points1134 points ago

I love the usernames.

Shitty_WaterProjections

I_RAPE_POCKETWHALES

SquidGirlThrowaway

[–]notalandmine 277 points278 points ago

PLSD34 held four spots on the front page. Who is this demon?

[–]LnDHaze 412 points413 points ago

They were probably all reposts.

[–]vvaIly 42 points43 points ago

I really really want to click these links.

[–]omegawoot 72 points73 points ago

Probably Andrewsmith of the future

[–]andrewsmith1986 248 points249 points ago

I don't submit.

[–]XeroG 37 points38 points ago

Your 17,000 link karma disagrees with you.

[–]WeaponsGradeHumanity 351 points352 points ago

No POCKET_WHALE_IN_MY_ANUS ?

[–]cephalgia 127 points128 points ago

Anuses will be made obsolete in 2269. Everyone will have their colon replaced with an iDung, which recycles digestive waste into roses and chocolate.

[–]WeaponsGradeHumanity 99 points100 points ago

I hope that thing has rounded corners...

[–]Aikistan 17 points18 points ago

POCKET_WHALE_IN_MY_CLOACA

FTFY.

[–]Karkelo 62 points63 points ago

Nerfherder.

TIL Han Solo is a redditor in the future.

[–]someguy945 90 points91 points ago

I like the ordering of the posts. The 2-year layover at Obama Memorial Skyport is more believable when you've previously established that humans are immortal.

[–]upvoteOrKittyGetsIt 144 points145 points ago

HL3 confirmed.

[–]with_a_leadpipe 25 points26 points ago

Why no Reddit Enhancement Suite in the future?

[–]somethingisnotok 899 points900 points ago

/r/trees stays optimistic as always...

[–]legumee 282 points283 points ago

soon, soon

[–]TrippyVersion 47 points48 points ago

Yeah, man... puff soon..

[–]moosemoomintoog 101 points102 points ago

That one literally made me lol... nope, still not legal.

[–]SocialEntropy 21 points22 points ago

I cried a little inside. It's not even legal in my dreams...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]d4rkr 1007 points1008 points ago

If the future isn't heading towards pocket whales, then i don't want a part of it!

[–]jhpalmer 167 points168 points ago

And the raptors too. I want a raptor. And my jetpack already.

[–]PresidentRaptor 184 points185 points ago

I will be your Raptor.

[–]SocialEntropy 63 points64 points ago

He will maul you, the frontpage of the future said so.

[–]Mikey-2-Guns 281 points282 points ago

I can has plankton patty?!

[–]WarlordOfTheMidwest 145 points146 points ago

I named mine Babeh Beluga.

[–]Mordraken 121 points122 points ago

Mine's named Willy, because he lives next to mine.

[–]SchruteBuck 214 points215 points ago

I kinda want to see some appe[n]dages.

[–]Mega_Man_Swagga 145 points146 points ago

I must admit, I kind of want to see some biogore.

[–]Budddda 107 points108 points ago

r/biospacedicks

[–]naffer 26 points27 points ago

r/spacebiodicks

[–]Real_Riskers 40 points41 points ago

Does it make me a bad person if I really wanted to click on those GoneWild pics?

[–]Loxare 56 points57 points ago

I have always wanted, and forever shall want, a house hippo.

[–]Joshua_ 31 points32 points ago

What about Biogore? That sounds awesome...

[–]Abnmlguru 107 points108 points ago

Props for doing the ads also.

Was secretly hoping matingrituals.org already existed.

[–]izb 16 points17 points ago

Rushes to register domain before the inter-species domain landrush

[–]Pac_ 815 points816 points ago

I see cats have become extinct.

[–]VoiceofKane 521 points522 points ago

Who needs cats when there are pocket whales?

[–]bradgrammar 190 points191 points ago

I already have a pocket whale just thinking about it.

[–]Crazyh 1198 points1199 points ago

I see cats have become extinct finished their experiments upon humankind and returned to their own planet.

[–]peskygods 508 points509 points ago

So long and thanks for all the fish!

[–]catstach 139 points140 points ago

And cardboard boxes.

[–]Norsnes 26 points27 points ago

If it no longer fits, I quits.

[–]justahipster 12 points13 points ago

We tried to warn you all but oh dear.

[–]TheForceiswithus 11 points12 points ago

So sad that it should come to this..

[–]Siffcat 68 points69 points ago

Na, just replaced with pics of pet raptor babies. "any love for my girlfirend's cute little carnivore?"

[–]taco69 30 points31 points ago

Seems to me that the internet has moved on to pocket whales.

[–]SeanGaither 105 points106 points ago

I might as well give up now. My dream of having a pet raptor is crushed.

[–]Neocrasher 58 points59 points ago

They aren't banned until 3012. Still got 999 years of raptory fun! Well, subtract maybe a hundred years since we need to make them. 899 years of raptory fun!

[–]el3kt2ik 724 points725 points ago

Dat memory access file.

[–]fishfishmonkeyhat 1227 points1228 points ago

memory.dat

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]fishfishmonkeyhat 79 points80 points ago

true.dat

[–]skytro 158 points159 points ago

Well played...

[–]BritishMongrel 15 points16 points ago

I love the fact that it higher up the page is the post complaining about the government making a new law allowing them to legally obtain your memory access files... then there's a post containing an illegally stolen memory access file, ahhh good to see the hypocrisy is still a thing in 1000 years.

[–]LuckyNinefingers 637 points638 points ago

Thorough. 10/10

[–]MiloMuggins 248 points249 points ago

I can't believe I_RAPE_POCKET_WHALES is already taken :-(

[–]QwertyDerp 75 points76 points ago

It's not, the username is just too long so it can't be created. Same with Shitty_WaterProjections.

[–]tarraingmobod 8 points9 points ago

Well it's good to see reddit fixes that sometime in the next thousand years.

[–]string97bean 2682 points2683 points ago

Wow...the work that went into this alone deserves an upvote.

[–]gonzoblair[S] 2347 points2348 points ago

Thanks. I have terrible insomnia which I use for odd creative purposes.

[–]teusz16 1041 points1042 points ago

Exercise and warm milk, dude.

[–]Cerberus73 876 points877 points ago

You know, no-fap September is over...

[–]SchpartyOn 251 points252 points ago

[–]bamfsalad 73 points74 points ago

Oh my...

[–]IsSuchAThingPossible 1267 points1268 points ago

Back in the 90s, before the "internet" as we know it had wide adoption, I used local dial-up BBSes. They had file areas and, occasionally, I'd get access to the adult sections.

These had your standard less-than-VGA resolution gifs and jpegs. Usually just some naked woman or a poorly-staged ejaculation scene with obviously fake semen.

Back then, videos were pretty rare as they took up way too much space and would take hours to download. But now and again someone would post a DOS executable that had motion. And one of these was called TACO.EXE.

I fired the exe up and sat back. Listened as my PC speaker played some awful quality moans and I saw a woman rubbing her vagina. The caption "tickle your taco" bouncing around the screen.

I masturbated to this. Frequently, actually. I got so into this whole taco tickling thing I used to get hard when my mom would make tacos for dinner.

I'd laugh uncomfortably when she asked if there was enough meat in my taco. I began to enjoy putting ranch dressing on my tacos because it looked like semen. At least a bit. Each bite made my dick twinge with masturbatory anticipation. And I'd always jack off after a good taco dinner.

As I got older and started driving, I'd stop by the local Taco Bell near school on my drive home. I'd unwrap the poorly-constructed tacos and masturbate in the back of their parking lot. Right into the taco. Even now, I can't have tacos without a little bit of my own special sauce

[–]bioguy741 761 points762 points ago

[–]TheHandheldTank 254 points255 points ago

That was a risky click.

[–]Slawcpu 188 points189 points ago

I looked over my shoulder before I clicked.

[–]USMCEvan 123 points124 points ago

I live alone and I still looked over my shoulder.

[–]RidiculousIncarnate 93 points94 points ago

Aaand now I want Taco Bell.

[–]Sureiyaa 75 points76 points ago

Yeah, we've all been there.

[–]in_the_yarbles 381 points382 points ago

10/10

[–]AttackDucks 102 points103 points ago

[–]Say_what_you_see 253 points254 points ago

4chan is over there

[–]willyfresh 77 points78 points ago

what you see

[–]SnowPro1986 62 points63 points ago

[–]TomTheScouser 117 points118 points ago

wat

[–]Valkie 10 points11 points ago

You taco lot of shit but I love it.

[–]Menolith 121 points122 points ago

Relevant... username?

[–]beefinbed 63 points64 points ago

[–]KariasMike 8 points9 points ago

Thank god no fap September is over... Now I can look forward to "No fap" JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, NOVEMBER, or DECEMBER! - I've been using reddit for about a year, and registered about 8-9 months ago. No fap September is the 5th time I've actually seen reddit declare the month a no-fap month... I'm curious where the hell this comes from.

[–]etherealtim 298 points299 points ago

Make this html, so I can click all the links. Then make all the sites that are linked. Chop chop.

[–]suction 172 points173 points ago

Then make all the reality to give those sites meaning

[–]daedcat 210 points211 points ago

motherfuckin' pocket whales!

[–]pa79 80 points81 points ago

And don't forget all the comments. I want to read the comments.

[–]FCGBSB 9 points10 points ago

You know... a subreddit of it would be interesting.

[–]string97bean 88 points89 points ago

I wish I used my time creating content for Reddit instead of just browsing Reddit.

[–]I_Molest_CraterBats 191 points192 points ago

Thank you for creating me.

[–]karma_trained 54 points55 points ago

Are you serious?! I go to create this account and was beat by 11 minutes!

[–]PapaMauMau95 30 points31 points ago

I love your Insomnia.

[–]covertskippy55 55 points56 points ago

I was just about to say, coming up with names for the posters alone would take me quite a bit of time.

[–]agitatedshovel 156 points157 points ago

My favourite was Shitty_Waterprojections

[–]WadDePhoque 24 points25 points ago

Lets not forget the OP's futuristic username: I_Molest_CraterBats

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 271 points272 points ago

Yeah, we need more OC up in here.

/says a guy who never submit OC

[–]badfella24 151 points152 points ago

Don't call it that.

[–]JaSkynyrd 185 points186 points ago

New clickies!

[–]foggart 76 points77 points ago

I second this for the official term.

[–]DaasRacist 30 points31 points ago

why not?

[–]rachel_em 74 points75 points ago

Arrested Development reference IIRC.

During the time the television teen soap The OC was popular an episide of Arrested Development had a character refer to Orange County as the OC, to which Michael Bluth responded "Don't call it that."

[–]DaasRacist 9 points10 points ago

Ohhhhhh.. wow. How did I miss that-_-

[–]rachel_em 8 points9 points ago

I wouldn't stress it! It's not a very memorable joke, I have no idea while it's still embedded in my brain.

[–]madsell 97 points98 points ago

heh legalize it

[–]imtallerthanyou 11 points12 points ago

That was my favorite part. Besides the pocket whales of course.

[–]Mike-Dane 113 points114 points ago

Yeah this is incredible. Especially all the small details my favorite being the fact that there are 42 posts.

[–]NotInMyGarden 158 points159 points ago

But it's quite unrealistic. It's written in english instead of mandarin.

[–]kostiak 148 points149 points ago

Mandarin is so 2045, Colonial Cyborg is where it's at nowadays.

[–]asadsnail 39 points40 points ago

Guys this cyborg man thing took hours translating this from Jupitorian to English, give him some credit.

[–]SmoothWD40 101 points102 points ago

It's actually written in Gargonian. That blue box over in the corner is projecting it into your mind in English.

[–]turboknight 966 points967 points ago

I read every single one. They were all entertaining.

Also, holy shit original content!!

[–]C_IsForCookie 22 points23 points ago

I'm taking bets on how long it takes for this to be reposted and successful.

[–]Just_Winton 447 points448 points ago

"Proudly celebrating the same interface for over a millenium!"

[–]zombiesunlimited 10 points11 points ago

I would love it if it stayed the same forever. I'm sure like everything else it will get an awful redesign. The only company I can think of is Google, staying true to form.

[–]WalnutSoap 126 points127 points ago

Is the Ruby Rhod show still on in 3012?

[–]necabo 1239 points1240 points ago

Yes, finally HL3 release

[–]FourInches 503 points504 points ago

Are you serious? It's clearly fake. It won't be released before 3046.

[–]Auslen 566 points567 points ago

You forget they delayed it again. The true release is March 3, 3333.

[–]Korbie13 234 points235 points ago

That can't be right. We all know Valve doesn't acknowledge the existence of the number 3.

[–]AutoAmes 269 points270 points ago

That's the date the ancient Valven calendar ends, therefore it's the end of the world.

[–]harryinthekitchen 99 points100 points ago

All that for a HL3 joke. I appreciate that very much!

[–]this_sort_of_thing 54 points55 points ago

I remember someone editing the Wikipedia page for this and then putting Half Life 3 right at the bottom, good times

[–]Monkeys_with_Guns 44 points45 points ago

I saw that. Too fucking far, man.

[–]foggart 39 points40 points ago

That and: "Guys, I believe this will be the year that we finally legalize it."

[–]shampwn 51 points52 points ago

inbread pocket whales... lolz

[–]GastroPhysics 100 points101 points ago

The HL3 got me thinking... how good would a game be that was 1000 years in the making?

What will consoles be like in 1000 years time?

Very important questions, obviously

[–]StezzerLolz 168 points169 points ago

What will consoles be like in 1000 years time?

Nonexistant.

(Hail the neuroPC master race.)

[–]kostiak 24 points25 points ago

As bad as DNF was. Technology is changing about every 3 years. If you take more than 4 years to actually make your game, odds are you are at least one generation behind technology wise. You have two options at this point, release an inferior product or redo the whole thing. So in 1000 years they'll have about 400 unreleased versions of the game, and a released shitty one.

[–]Riuku 58 points59 points ago

Starting on developing a game now and finishing 1000 years after would be impossible since the technology will be advancing 1000 years ahead. Something like that happened when they developed Duke Nukem Forever for about ten years and that's why it sucked balls.

[–]meancommentredditor 550 points551 points ago

Fuck, I tried to click on some of those links. They were all blue!

[–]BikerRay 255 points256 points ago

I automatically looked at the little envelope. Still no messages. Damn.

[–]eighthmaster 183 points184 points ago

I'll reply to you <3

[–]DecentShrimp 77 points78 points ago

Haaaaave you met eighthmaster?

[–]MinotaurforAslan 27 points28 points ago

Heeeeey how's it goin'?

[–]punriffer5 1220 points1221 points ago

Lol, this year will be the year we vote to legalize it

[–]Flash_Mob_Fisting 482 points483 points ago

Overall that was the one that made me laugh the hardest.

[–]Azor2500 178 points179 points ago

See the last one.

[–]hinduguru 96 points97 points ago

Okay, that was definitely the best

[–]InitiallyAnAsshole 80 points81 points ago

Shitty_Waterprojection! HAHA I_RAPE_POCKET_WHALES! GREATEST NAMES!

[–]NSkyline4134 144 points145 points ago

that bottom ad on the right is really fucking with me right now...

[–]kostiak 44 points45 points ago

Yeah me too, our standards have really slipped. 50 year olds? Really?

[–]Cryzgnik 98 points99 points ago

50 year olds are the equivalent of 18 year olds, with all the life extending biotechnology

[–]andreylosev 18 points19 points ago

Advanced medicine is also the reason biogore is regarded as no big deal, but still grosses-out old-fashioned folks.

[–]Southtown85 8 points9 points ago

I'm thinking in this timeframe, 50 year olds probably still look like they're 18.

[–]3206 7 points8 points ago

Who said a cycle was equivalent to one year?

[–]Bronkko 36 points37 points ago

i want to click those links so badly.

[–]yabrickedit 32 points33 points ago

"my pocket whale. wearing bread on his head." is by far the funniest part of this to me for some reason.

[–]Morphix007 63 points64 points ago

Reminds me Of the April fools Timeline...Man there was funny shit everywhere that day.

[–]BananaPeelPants 14 points15 points ago

Is it still available somewhere? I didn't have time to check out everything back then.

[–]I_TYPE_IN_ALL_CAPS 76 points77 points ago

ALL THOSE POCKET WHALES, BUT NOT A SINGLE HOUSE ELEPHANT. :-(

[–]soahar 20 points21 points ago

No one likes to talk about the elephant in the room

[–]notnorton 246 points247 points ago

Bill Fucking Murray!

[–]MarquisEXB 22 points23 points ago

You missed the DebateReligion post "Pastafarians: your religion started 1000 years ago lampooning religious fundamentalism: Does that make you less likely to believe that spaghetti & meatballs created the universe?"

[–]Lolworth 84 points85 points ago

And you STILL have to install RES to make it usable.

[–]ForcedBeef 171 points172 points ago

The Iphone 30 will be upgrading to Quantum Entanglement Neutrino Beam (QENB) network: Simulate your own Universe with your friends on Godville.

edit: Fixed you're to your. choad

[–]nmpraveen 241 points242 points ago

Wrong. By 3012 it will be iPhone505.. Yes, I fucking calculated.

[–]NanoGeek 50 points51 points ago

I think I can explain this one.

Sometime in the next 25 years, Apple either stops making iPhones or goes out of business entirely. However, in the year 3012, there's been a nostalgic revival of early 21st century technology and Apple begins producing iPhones again.

[–]C_IsForCookie 23 points24 points ago

It all comes full circle. Like those rotary attachments for your cell phones.

[–]70000 287 points288 points ago

I love the Romney cyborg

[–]bezaorj 64 points65 points ago

Pegasian drivers really suck. The wings are attached there for a reason!

[–]mijamala1 60 points61 points ago

That's racist.

[–]cyrilio 109 points110 points ago

And now I want a pocket whale.

[–]FCGBSB 54 points55 points ago

And now I want a subreddit for 3012.

[–]VoiceofKane 13 points14 points ago

Well, there was that Reddit Timeline thing for April Fools those year.

[–]goingTofu 8 points9 points ago

[–]Horse_Guy 157 points158 points ago

TIL in 3012 people still don't use AdBlock

[–]StraY_WolF 20 points21 points ago

By that time they would probably have Adblockblock.

[–]razzlee21 18 points19 points ago

Pretty cool but can someone tell me why the links aren't working for me?

[–]DCSlick 16 points17 points ago

More please...That right there needs to be its own subreddit. I would subscribe and lurk there.

[–]rdbrid 40 points41 points ago

Honeybooboo I knew it!

[–]AttackDucks 105 points106 points ago

[–]randoseriesofletters 32 points33 points ago

I especially appreciate that marijuana will "finally be legalized" that year.... It's about time

[–]leftinthedark 44 points45 points ago

"Proudly celebrating the same interface for over a millenium!"

[–]FB242 12 points13 points ago

The one guys username close to the bottom: I_RAPE_POCKET_WHALES

[–]kostiak 237 points238 points ago

You nailed EVERY single thing right, from the pocket wales to the askreddits. From the cyborg presidents "made on earth" to the 2 year layover at Obama memorial. From the weed to HL3 to Christianity.

Great job, truly great.

[–]CuriousAnn 14 points15 points ago

Just....awesome /amazed

[–]koolaidface 70 points71 points ago

Great work, but I am disappointed that there weren't any posts from /r/doctorwho. I really want to know who the 45th doctor is.

[–]crd06d 7 points8 points ago

Did anyone else try to click the links?

[–]impyandchimpy 52 points53 points ago

Only 2990 kids will remember. LOL

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Clit_Commander 120 points121 points ago

Let's don't call it "dead", let's call it "MySpaced".

[–]Loki-L 53 points54 points ago

dugg

[–]sirclockalot 17 points18 points ago

I WANT A POCKET WHALE!!!

[–]twinglockfortys 22 points23 points ago

Haha the best part is the Half Life 3 release date

[–]then_Sean_Bean_died 182 points183 points ago

To be accurate this page should be in chinese.

[–]welliamwallace 190 points191 points ago

Really? Even though Chinese may have the highest number of speakers, The use of English as the international language of commerce, science, business, and politics gives it a pretty good headstart for the one-world language of the future.

[–]NebelLicht 102 points103 points ago

Far too many people ignore this point and just relegate themselves to the "LOL China taking over amIrite?!" argument.

China just wants to be China. :]

[–]Yazza 44 points45 points ago

I've heard that in China, business men from different regions use English as the lingua franca, because that's easier than learning each-others dialects. Not sure if 100% true though.

[–]mcanerin 12 points13 points ago

English is considered to be the language of business to the Chinese. It's more prestigious to use English as a second language than another dialect of Chinese (unless it's Mandarin). Also, everyone is on an even playing field - no ones home language get's priority.

It's also a LOT easier to find an English as a Second Language school. You are not as likely to find a "Weird Dialect from another Part of the Country You've Never Heard of Before" school.

They will first try to speak a common dialect they both know, then if that fails, switch to English. Only as a final resort would they bring in a translator.

This is spoken. Written Chinese is standardized regardless of language. There have been many times when I've seen two people who can't understand each others dialect at all simply resort to writing notes back and forth to each other. Works surprisingly well and no one needs to learn a second language.

It probably won't be long before you see 2 people standing right in front of each other, texting to each other in order to communicate. I haven't seen it personally, but I usually deal with older business people. I could totally see recent university grads doing this.

Source: I do a lot of business in China.

[–]GeneralGeneric 49 points50 points ago

We will all speak Common by then.

[–]tofagerl 106 points107 points ago

Well, Google Translate will probably be integrated in Chrome by then.

[–]Razer1103 131 points132 points ago

....Isn't it already?

[–]Zakisbored 90 points91 points ago

Yes, yes it is.

[–]mikael110 38 points39 points ago

Google Translate was integrated into chrome in February 2010.

If you go to a page that is primarily written in a different language than the one chrome uses then chrome will ask you if you want it to translate the page.

[–]horse_you_rode_in_on 11 points12 points ago

I'm looking forward to actual pocket whales.