this post was submitted on
1,594 points (55% like it)
7,781 up votes 6,187 down votes
shortlink:

funny

subscribe2,515,666 readers

8,548 users here now

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).

Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.

If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators

The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.

CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for
to anything interesting: news article, blog entry, video, picture...
message the moderators

MODERATORS

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

1593
1594

How to make soup. (imgur.com)

submitted ago by TigerWylde

all 89 comments
sorted by:
best
best
top
new
hot
controversial
old

[–]mister-obvious 68 points69 points ago

full article

[–]dangerevans007 34 points35 points ago

Baby, you got a stew goin.

[–]PopWhatMagnitude 5 points6 points ago

I was thinking "Boil water, add ham."

[–]intensenerd 8 points9 points ago

mmmm hot ham water.

[–]RoostasTowel 5 points6 points ago

It's so watery. And yet there is a smack of ham to it.

[–]Phordh 0 points1 point ago

RIGHT?

[–]workpuppy -1 points0 points ago

Ideally you should add a ham bone, cook it for a few hours, then add the ham. Otherwise your ham will be over-cooked.

Ham bone soup is about the best part of winter.

[–]ViennaKP 0 points1 point ago

whooosh

[–]mortiphago 0 points1 point ago

says zoidberg, the beach-fucker kneer

[–]large-farva 1 point2 points ago

"I think I'd like my money back..."

[–]Dwells_Under_Bridges 24 points25 points ago

9 Eat alone in front of computer.

[–]mattf617 12 points13 points ago

10 Cry yourself to sleep.

[–]dyljm2 3 points4 points ago

11 Masturbate with the tears.

[–]MoonshineSchneider 0 points1 point ago

Sleep-masturbating, always the way to go.

[–]thehonz 12 points13 points ago

36. Go to take out the trash at dawn on Tuesday morning, forgetting that you had thrown a sharp, metal lid into the bag the previous night.

While stumbling through the foliage that is your yard, you trip and subsequently slice open your leg on the now-protruding edge.

Lid has its revenge.

Bleed out.

Die.

[–]intensenerd 4 points5 points ago

Also see the rest of the trash spread across the lawn.

Swear profusely.

[–]cordoroy 7 points8 points ago

stop at #6 and make fucking toast

[–]Cakeo 1 point2 points ago

It's incredibly important to make sure the toast is having sex.

[–]Phordh 2 points3 points ago

I'm sure its all a matter of opinion, but I think celibate toast is the best for most meals.

[–]flatquiche88 2 points3 points ago

One time I thought it would be a good idea to put the whole lid in my mouth to get a clean wipe. Opened mouth, inserted lid, closed mouth, cut both edges of mouth (cringe). Looking back that was very stupid but now I have a wider smile.

[–]metrognome64 2 points3 points ago

Jesus Christ!!! I just jumped out of my chair screaming "no! No! NO!" as I read your comment.

[–]Kamuiberen 0 points1 point ago

Why so serious?

[–]ChaseMit 2 points3 points ago

This is from a CollegeHumor article I wrote almost two years ago. http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6383736/honest-food-prep-instructions

Find new stuff.

[–]HydrocodonesForAll 0 points1 point ago

Shut up CHASE

[–]TigerWylde[S] 0 points1 point ago

You wrote this? Awesome stuff - i'm impressed. Do you still write for Collegehumor?

[–]ChaseMit 0 points1 point ago

Sometimes, but now I mostly write for Someecards.com and HappyPlace.com.

[–]nosajz 5 points6 points ago

Getting tired of the year-old collegehumor links

[–]TheKatness 0 points1 point ago

Those lids are ridiculously sharp and when you get cut its not a little cut either!

[–]Sebulbasaur 1 point2 points ago

One time I made soup stoned and accidentally touched the lid. I freaked out and started staring at my finger, waiting for blood to come gushing out. It never did, but I still could've sworn I felt the lid go into my skin.

[–]wormwired 0 points1 point ago

I cut my finger on one of the lids once, had to go get like 9 small stitches. Doctor said that stitches should disappear when they get wet or something, but that didn't happen. I now have a scar on my finger.

[–]cmd_iii -1 points0 points ago

The night of the first Ali-Fraiser fight, I'm listening to the coverage on the radio. Along the way, I had to throw out a snack wrapper or something. I open the trash can, and it's almost full. Rather than emptying it, I push the trash down further into it to make room for my stuff. Unbeknownst to me, there was a lid from a tin can wrapped in a plastic bag or something, aligned in such a way as to pierce the bag as I pressed down and make a nice, gnarly slice in the palm of my hand.

I went to the hospital, where they decided I didn't need stitches; it would close up on its own. Which it did, but now I have a nice scar. And missed the end of the fight.

[–]Potatoguy123 -1 points0 points ago

Why do you people get stitches? I cut the tip of my thumb off and no stitches. Yeah its a quarter inch shorter but boohoo

[–]Sworn 2 points3 points ago

To avoid infections and make sure the wound heals? Why wouldn't you get stitches?

[–]Potatoguy123 -1 points0 points ago

Most people should. I have a preternatural ability to never get infected.

[–]wormwired 0 points1 point ago

I get stitches because I had a infection a cut on my leg before, and I don't want to go through that again.

[–]robbiefreeze -2 points-1 points ago

Damn, you're kinda gnarly

[–]Potatoguy123 -2 points-1 points ago

No I'm stupid. Cutting gloves exist for a reason. So does sobriety.

[–]TheKatness -1 points0 points ago

I've got a scar on my middle finger, kinda gnarly looking

[–]edisekeed -1 points0 points ago

sounds about right

[–]Joe__Dirt 0 points1 point ago

Looks complicated.

[–]bobandirus 0 points1 point ago

Relevant Scenes we'd like to see

[–]arialth -1 points0 points ago

Old. Also not funny.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Lunights -1 points0 points ago

Soup maker here - I can confirm this works.

[–]Mythid -1 points0 points ago

If I had a dollar for every time I've sliced my finger on those stupid pull off lids.... Well, I would have a lot of soup.

[–]lamelameusername 0 points1 point ago

Don't ever throw a can lid of any kind into a trash bag by itself. Put it in the can, or something else that will protect the sharp edge. I have a huge scar on my inner thigh, because I was 10 or so years old and picked up a garbage bag that had a can lid that sliced me open. (My PSA for the day)

[–]BarryLouis -1 points0 points ago

haha, where do you find cans that say this.

[–]masterofTHUMBS 0 points1 point ago

I think they forgot the step where you have to dig the can out of the garbage because you forgot to add the can of water to the soup.

[–]XavierLitespeed 1 point2 points ago

TIL people actually use a microwave to heat soup instead of the stove.

[–]Cantgrammurgood 0 points1 point ago

I just replaced the lyrics from "Strawberry Fields Forever" to "Soup Coated Microwave Forever"

[–]large-farva 0 points1 point ago

dat jpg artifacting.

[–]emann43 0 points1 point ago

Campbell's you're drunk, go home.

[–]slackeyed 0 points1 point ago

title comnts points age /r/
I've done all these things 473coms 1813pts 8mos funny
Canned humour 2coms 36pts 5mos funny

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/wqv9v/the_truth_hurts/

[–]BigBird90 0 points1 point ago

If you are going to repost this pic at least make a new link instead of just posting it in the comment section. We just saw this pic, that's why we're here. Dumbass.

[–]90s_Man 0 points1 point ago

"If you are going to repost this pic at least make a new link instead of just posting it in the comment section. We just saw this pic, that's why we're here. Dumbass."

[–]slackeyed 0 points1 point ago

http://i.imgur.com/eu5pS.gif

[–]0v329000 0 points1 point ago

lol this reminds me of an old room mate.

[–]wicket146 1 point2 points ago

Hey! Wash that lid and throw it in the recycling bin you lazy son of a bitch!

[–]Jambucha 0 points1 point ago

Accurate.

[–]luk521 0 points1 point ago

That is the best thing i have read in a long time. I'm crying with laughter.

[–]confirmed44 0 points1 point ago

ha ha

[–]dubblechrisp 1 point2 points ago

When I was 8, my family was using those cans of wet dog food with the pop-up tops where you have to break the seal by pulling on a tab. When it was my turn to feed the dog one day, my hand slipped while gripping the can and I got a two-inch gash spiraling around my left ring finger. It cut my finger so deep that it actually severed a nerve and a tendon, forcing me to get surgery. Still have quite a scar from that. Those can lids are not to be messed with.

[–]Mr_1990s -1 points0 points ago

Somewhere between 3-5 should be 'eat spoonful of cold glob.'

[–]loflrobster -1 points0 points ago

Haha it's funny because cooking is sooooooooo hard lol amirite guys???

[–]emmittsith -2 points-1 points ago

I prefer the following instructions: 1. tell wife to make soup 2. continue to surf reddit

[–]machzel08 -2 points-1 points ago

I have two pro tips for soup:

  1. Turn the can opener until that last little bit, if you do it slow enough the lid will lift up slightly. Grab the lid and then turn the last quarter turn to free the lid. This way you don't have to dig for it and get cut.

  2. Once the soup is open flip it in to the bowl so it is upside down. Use scissors, a screw driver, or ideally a center punch to poke a hole in the bottom of the can. Press your mouth over the hole and blow while pulling the can up. It will release everything. Now you don't have to scrape the inside of the can to get the last bit left at the bottom.

[–]Sylphetamine 0 points1 point ago

3) Once in bowl, place paper towel over bowl before microwaving. Enjoy soup and soup-free microwave.

[–]Rapemyassholeplease -1 points0 points ago

4) stir that bitch when it is halfway done. Enjoy evenly cooked soup.

[–]Thewhitemexicangirl 0 points1 point ago

Isn't there that one step missing where you are supposed to add a can of water so it's not too salty? Or are there some just straight up ready to boil. BTW I didn't even know this until about a year ago.

[–]Rapemyassholeplease 0 points1 point ago

That's if your a pussy and can't handle salt.

[–]fingertrollin -2 points-1 points ago

Wouldn't the second it in no. 3 be "its" ?

I can't enjoy anything anymore.

[–]MoonshineSchneider 1 point2 points ago

No, it should be "it's". So it knows what it's (it has) done; should be a contraction.

[–]DoYouSmellSoup -1 points0 points ago

I love soup

[–]ThisIsNotJimmy -1 points0 points ago

Where is Wonko the Sane when you need him?

[–]IBelrose -1 points0 points ago

I thought this was what the label legitimately said at first.

[–]ClemTiger0408 0 points1 point ago

THATS NOT WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CANS

[–]lurveloaveluff 0 points1 point ago

Usually when I cook things (in bowls, like soup or chili or pasta sauce) I put a plate over the top. Also, you should be stopping it half way to stir, so it's warm throughout.

[–]Tossy_Salad -2 points-1 points ago

  1. Spend dollar, buy better soup.

[–]Gandalf_McGee -1 points0 points ago

Sender: Grandma@aol.com

Subject: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:Making soup lol!!1

[–]facecube -4 points-3 points ago

It's funny because ridiculous children think making a fucking can of soup is super hard, god mom why can't you just make dinner.

[–]reddiculon -1 points0 points ago

You're right. It's really not that hard.

Put the kettle on to boil. Put a pot on the stove, medium heat. Chop an onion and some garlic, throw in pot with oil. If you have any bacon pieces lying around, throw that in too. Total time elapsed, 45 seconds. Grab some raw chicken pieces, wings or whatever, throw those in the pot. Fetch some vegetables - potato, broccoli, whatever you have lying around. Chop them. Total time elapsed, 3 minutes. Pour hot water into pot from kettle, throw vegetables into pot. Optionally, add salt and pepper, seasonings / sauces / spices / herbs to taste. If you have any pearl barley laying around, throw in half a handful. If you have lentils though, expect to spend an extra hour cooking the shit. Anyway, total time elapsed 5 minutes. Place lid on pot and simmer slowly for 30 minutes (play games, browse reddit). Strip bones and skin from chicken (discard these elements), stir chicken in, cover again and simmer slowly for an hour (play games and browse reddit, optionally study for degree or whatever it is redditors do).

Total cooking time: 1-2 hours. Total actual time spent giving a fuck: 10 minutes. Result: Delicious, fresh, home made soup.

If you have no chicken but have a left over beef bone and some meat, use that instead - just remember to take the bone out after ten minutes to avoid that bitter bone after-taste.

Beats gelatinous goo from a can any day, for what little extra effort it involves.

Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. © 2012 reddit inc. All rights reserved.

REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.

π Rendered by PID 26335 on app-80 running 36b3b59.