One time, my cat literally tried to pay my taxes -- it's a long fucking story so strap in.

Rewind to about a year ago. I'm walking down an unkempt alleyway in downtown Chicago when I notice a couple dogs harassing a cat. Being the cat lover I am, I pick up the nearest hard object I can find (a two-by-four) and beat the SHIT out of these dogs until they leave the cat alone.

The dogs had hurt this cat pretty bad (or maybe I did, in the midst of my rampage), but it looked like he was still alive enough to salvage. I scooped his beaten and battered little body up in my coat and carried him to the neatest veterinarian clinic that I could find.

Skip ahead a couple months -- me and Jeeves (the cat I saved) are getting along fine. He's doing much better, too! Jeeves enjoys eating his whiskas each night before bedtime, and he has a fetish for laying on top of my MacBook Pro as I'm sure other cat owners can relate.

Well, all is good and well the next few months until one day, I can't find Jeeves. Seriously; motherfucker just vanished. I looked under the couch, under the bed, in the cabinets, on the roof.. That cat was gone.

Little did I know that Jeeves was not just missing -- he had been kidnapped (or catnapped, rather). I shit you not, I received a ransom letter not three days later for the sum of thirty thousand dollars or else my cat would "be the subject of cruel and unusual experiments meant to further understanding of the mind and how it learns."

What the hell, right? Was this some fucked up science team from the local university that needed some money for their science project? What made them think I was going to pay? Sadly, I didn't have anywhere close to thirty grand, so there was nothing I could do.

Fast forward a month. Jeeves appears on my doorstep. Just as suddenly as he had disappeared, he came back to me. But something was.. different.

"Hello SOCK_FUCKER"

Me, looking around confused: "Who's there?"

"It's me, Jeeves. My internal organs have been replaced with synthetic counterparts and my I am now able to converse and interact with the human species due to my artificially increased intellect."

Needless to say, I was stunned. The first thing I wanted to do was to ask my cat why he licked his balls so much, or why he was so stupid. But now, he wasn't stupid. He was smart. Really smart.

Jeeves began driving me to work each day. It was really nice having a driver and eventually, I just had him go to work for me altogether. Since I worked a desk job in a secluded cubicle at the back of the office, no one knew that it was actually Jeeves who was writing those budget reports each Monday.

With Jeeves doing my job and basically living my life for me, I delegated tax duty to him as well. Except when he listed me as a dependent, the IRS thought I was trying to pull tax fraud and eventually the police showed up at my house and sent me to jail. As far as I know, Jeeves is still living my life for me. Clever bastard.