I think I can learn a thing or two from this man.(x post /r/facepalm)

CaptainNoBoat · 2012-09-21T16:43:58+00:00

I went kayaking several weeks ago on a river with extremely high water levels, and my kayak flipped. There was no shoreline, and the banks were sharp angles, covered in mud. After my 5th failed attempt to get all the water out of the kayak, I decided to live with whatever water was left, and paddle down-river until I found a shoreline.
Right before I attempted to flip it a final time, the largest spider I've ever seen(several inches in diameter) came skirting down the river, right under my kayak. I turned it over, hoping to see the spider scurry out and away - It did not. At this point, my friends were far down the river, and I had no strength to try and empty the water out again.
Let it be known that a day or two prior to this, I had an argument on reddit about how harmless spiders were and that everyone has a ridiculous irrational fear. So, this was my "man up" moment - my "don't be a hypocrite" moment. My just-kayak-300-more-yards-with-a-hand-sized-spider-swimming-near-your-crotch-moment.
The second I hit the shoreline, I flipped the kayak over and sprinted away as fast as possible. I'm sorry reddit, I'm so sorry. Spiders can be scary as fuck sometimes.

DTX120 · 2012-09-21T17:11:47+00:00

Takin' spiderbro for a ride.

Mohawesome · 2012-09-21T17:58:55+00:00

It's an amusing post and all, but why would this make someone facepalm?

zipp0raid · 2012-09-21T17:33:40+00:00

This happened to me as well. Proud to say I only screamed like Flanders for the 25 seconds it took me to come to a steady, controlled stop. After throwing the helmet from my head unto the grass, a rage began to build in my guttiwuts - I grasped the helmet and searched for the hitchhiker. Upon locating the spider, I took my gloved finger and smashed him into a brownish paste, scraped it on the pavement and went on my way. TL;DR: Happened to me, screamed like a girl, didn't die.

vmulber · 2012-09-21T16:41:35+00:00

This is new: I'd've

I'd've == I'd have or I would have

zombie_eyes · 2012-09-21T17:29:55+00:00

Been there. Rode open face, got stung in the septum by a bee. Got full face, wasp hit neck, fell in shirt, stung 3 times in chest before I could stop. Got riding jacket, spider in helmet. Sometimes you just can't win.

Coffeecat90 · 2012-09-21T16:27:39+00:00

Apparently 2006 data showed over half a million accidents caused by insects.. (www.automotoportal.com/article/bee-careful-650000-car-accidents-caused-by-uninvited-insects)

lazydrumhead · 2012-09-21T18:12:38+00:00

Why was this in r/facepalm???

brocksrocks · 2012-09-21T16:48:16+00:00

That's what this guy said

SutekhRising · 2012-09-21T15:57:50+00:00

Please send that to /r/motorcycles

slick8086 · 2012-09-21T18:01:01+00:00

"fuck the heliocentric model of the solar system. The universe in fact revolves around my Andromeda sized titanium balls."

PURE POETRY!

Blue_Shift · 2012-09-21T17:10:58+00:00

Like not going 90 mph on a motorcycle?

acenarteco · 2012-09-21T17:31:54+00:00

I had a similar story happen just three minutes ago. I was wearing my favorite sweatshirt with flowers embroidered up along the arms. While sitting on my couch, with my $2000 laptop on my lap. I felt something itchy on my hand. I looked down, expecting to see a mosquito or fly. It was a wasp.

I screamed like a little girl, flung my hand out in the best frantic gay-man flapping motion I could muster, and ran away, flipping my laptop over in the process. The wasp sleepily flew away and landed on the floor, and through my tears I managed to grab a book and smash it.

I feel I found a brother in arms, except I have the biggest uterus in this bitch right now.

L15t3r0f5m3g · 2012-09-21T17:55:24+00:00

Mine was when she told me she was pregnant. Fast forward three years and I have sole custody of an awesome little guy.

HIPPOPOTANUS · 2012-09-21T17:07:31+00:00

Tough decision: crash and hope for the best,or pray that the spider doesn't crawl into your ear or nose.

TurdFurgeson22 · 2012-09-21T18:16:59+00:00

This has actually happened to me. Except it was multiple spiders. Hopefully this doesn't get buried.

story:

I was on a motorcycle trip with my dad riding from new mexico back home to Kansas. Somewhere in Texas a HUGE thunderstorm churned up and the lightning was so big the whole sky just lit up and I couldn't tell where it was coming from. So we pull over to a road side park, and decide to sleep a little bit since it was fairly late at night. A few hours later it's just starting to get light out and the storm has passed so I pick my helmet up off the picnic table where we were sleeping under the shelter and we get back on the motorcycle.

About one minute into the ride I start feeling stuff crawling all over my scalp and my ears. Eventually they start crawling on my face and I start to freak the fuck out and yelled at my dad to pull over. I had my helmet off before we even pulled over and the fucker was full of spiders. I honestly forget how we got them out, but I'm pretty sure I just left my helmet off for a while.

TL;DR A bunch of spiders crawled all over my head inside of a motorcycle helmet on a motorcycle trip.

AdvocateForLucifer · 2012-09-21T16:55:12+00:00

I dare you. Stare me right in the eyes. I can take it. Can you?

catboogers · 2012-09-21T17:08:46+00:00

I think this is a time when I can non-sarcastically use the phrase: SO BRAVE.

thergrim · 2012-09-21T17:46:04+00:00

Made me think of...

When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

buso · 2012-09-21T18:24:05+00:00

upvoted for "Andromeda sized titanium balls"

rarely_coherent · 2012-09-21T23:57:42+00:00

Fellow bike (R1) rider here.

I was about 5 minutes into a ride...lovely summer day, no gloves (because hey, the idea is to not fall off, right ?)

A huntsman had apparently been sleeping in my front fairing and had been rudely awoken by all the noise and wind.

It proceeded to do the "I'm angry and want to bite you" dance about an inch from my clutch lever.

I was on a freeway, and couldn't really stop anywhere, so I spent about 5 minutes riding with one hand and gritting my teeth every time I needed a gear change.

I know that huntsman aren't dangerous at all, but my brain was noping pretty hard and wouldn't let me get anywhere near it without some severe anal puckering.

grimguitar · 2012-09-21T16:29:23+00:00

And that is why I don't pick up hitchhikers with more than two legs. You never know if they'll really leave.

Turtlebackpack · 2012-09-21T17:42:54+00:00

I'm loving the double contraction.

2fingers · 2012-09-21T18:01:22+00:00

I don't have a garage for my motorcycle so it stays in my driveway under a nice cover. If I don't ride it for a few weeks there will inevitably be some spiderwebs on the bike when I take the cover off... Anyway I was cruising down the thruway at about 70 mph when I noticed a nickle sized white spider clinging to my speedometer. I'm not really afraid of spiders so I would check on the little guy as I drove along. The last time I looked down he finally lost his grip and flew off into my face.

funny

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